02x12 - Graduation

"Graduating seniors... my time was... a horse without any legs."

♪ Do-do-do ♪

Hey. You wanted to see me, boss?

Yes. Yes, I did, Coach Fairbell.

Please, uh, have a seat.

We have to have a pretty serious discussion here.

You can sit in the... the chair.

The chair?

Yeah, that's right.

[Breathes sharply]

Pretty good, right?

What I have to tell you is actually pretty grim.

"Grimm"? [Chuckles]


That's my favorite show.

Okay, no, no, no, no.

What I'm saying... Let me ask you this... if you had all the time in the world, what would you even do with it?

Easy... just spend more time with my girls' JV volleyball team.

Extra practice means... boop... extra perfect.

Let... let's say that it was, uh, not here at Smoot.

Let's say it was time away from school.

Then what would you do?

I'd just wait across the street for school to open, like I do every day.

[Whispering] My God.

Okay, well, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, all right?

I had to do next year's budget, and we got to make some cuts.

That's why you're in charge, Big Dog.

What's got to go? English? Math?

Nobody's gonna miss those.

Cafeteria? I mean, I'll miss it but...

Coach Fairbell, it's you.

I'm hinting at the fact that it is you that I have to cut, okay?

You. All right?

Before you say something heartbreakingly simple, let me just clarify... you are being laid off at the end of this week.

[Sobbing] Aaaaah!

Tammy, code red!

I need some tissues. I need some tissues.

No! No!

♪ ♪
♪ Quit wasting my time ♪
♪ I ain't here for you ♪
♪ I'm just putting in work ♪
♪ Till my day is through ♪


Just a couple big sales days, Billy, and then you're in the black.

And then Tampa has to love you again, because money fixes everything.


[Breathes deeply]

Sell to go home.

[Wheels creaking]



Good morning, everyone.

How are we?

Hey, Shoemaker.

How was your lengthy commute this morning?

Well, I'm not quite sure what you're referring to.

Sure, you're not.

I was just telling everyone that real-estate mogul and newly elected mayor Gil Nash is gonna be Smoot's graduation speaker.

Here? He's speaking here?

I'm so proud.

Now, now, now...

I can't believe that you're letting that right-wing lunatic speak.

Hey, that's a Libertarian lunatic, please.

He has done a ton of damage to women's health issues.

His stupid period taxes cost me $148 this month.

Abbey, I keep telling you... if you want a maternity leave, you have to pay for it somehow.

Fine. I'm not taking this lying down.

Quinn, I am going to stage the biggest protest that you have ever seen.


Do you need to go back down to your library?



I think it's terrific that you're gonna be speaking at our graduation ceremony.

And, as this year's Joslyn's graduation rep, I would love nothing more than to see you do it in a professor's tunic.

Now, please, I...

No, no, no, no, no.

No, thank you. No, thank you.

We don't have any extra cash for any cheap swag, so...

Wouldn't be a good salesman if I didn't try.

I'll see you at the same time tomorrow.

You know, Leslie Bronn, I woke up this morning thinking, "There's a woman who likes to sleep in a oversized T-shirt and..."

I sleep in the nude. Beat it.

What are you doing here?

Are you, uh, buying a condominium?

'Cause if you are, Joslyn's has a line of drapes made from re...


I said, "Beat it."

♪ ♪

[Hawk screeches]


Oh, my God. Oh, hawk!


Hawk! There's a...

Oh, sorry! I'm sorry!

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

I was just looking at that...

I was just looking at this...

... beautiful red-tailed hawk.

... beautiful red-tailed hawk.

Did I hit your head? Are you...

Oh, no, I'm sure... it's fine.

Let me get this for you.


"Back Streets of Madrid"? Are you serious?

This was my Bible when I lived in Spain.

No, no. You lived there. Yes!

Are you serious?

There's the best little route in this.

It's from the Prado...


... right to the Hard Rock Cafe.

Hard Rock Cafe.

I know that alley very well.

Are you serious?


You've been there?

Yes. I love the sangría.

I was there every night.

I was hooked on their "She's my Cherry Paella."

Oh, I love it... so good!

I'm sorry. I'm Loren.

I, uh, I teach Spanish here. Hi.

Oh, hey. Wow.

Yeah, sorry. I-I'm glad I found you.

I heard there was, like, actually a pop-up brewery on the campus.

Apparently, they have, like, some awesome beers.

Yeah, they... they did.


Or... should I say... I did, Until the man [bleep] on my dreams.

Oh, man.

I swear to God.

I hate it when men [bleep] on me.

Ugh, yeah.


Well, I mean, this being Denver, there's, like, a couple breweries around, you know?

So, we can maybe grab a pint or... five?



I'm buying.

Let's, yeah.

Have you heard of Eminem?

He's underground.

You're kidding.

But he's gonna blow up, I swear to God.



Sign a petition to stop Gil Nash from coming to graduation?

[Billy laughs]

Chugga-chugga! Chugga-chugga!

You look like the kind of lady that likes to sleep in an oversized T-shirt, and, lucky for you, Joslyn's happens to have a dynamite one.

Let me go ahead and show you.

Shoemaker, I'm kind of busy.

I'm getting signatures to stop Gil Nash from coming to Smoot.

If you're busy, what better way to organize those filled days with the Joslyn's "Class of 2017 Hunks of Smoot" calendar?

I'm not interested in buying anything from someone who is currently sleeping in the janitor's closet.

Well, that is not... [Laughs]

I am not residing in the school.

That's cra... Y-y-you're way out of line.

Yeah, everybody knows, Shoemaker.


Hi, guys.

This is my favorite history teacher.


My favorite librarian.

Oh, how are we...


... this beautiful morning, huh, guys?


Are you drunk?

You broke your slump.

I did.

Ha! Yeah.


How do you know that?

Oh, a guy can always tell.

Plus, he's still full bat.

Oh, God!

Excuse me. Oh, God.

I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so excited, you know?

Jade is incredible. I-I honestly think she's the one.

[Both laughing]

But I'm serious. She's smart...


Oh, you're serious.

... independent. She's really funny.

Plus, she taught me it's not cool to refer to women as [bleep].



I think I might be woke.

Speaking of woke, it looks like Fairbell just rolled out of bed.

I guess he's not taking getting fired very well.

Looking good in that sleeping shirt, Coach.

I'm glad I could put you in it. [Chuckles]

Oh, you mean "Soon-to-be-Former Coach."

I know you're down now, man.

I was down once, but look at me now.

I'm on top of the world, and it's all because of my new [bleep]...

Ugh! Nope.

... girlfriend.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Oh, there she is now.


She wants to hang out after school.

Guys, this is getting serious... fast.

Well, if it's getting serious, Loren, perhaps you should show....

Hey, Fairbell.

You should fight this.


Stage a sit-in, hunger strike... you know, you're a smart guy... you're Fairbell. You'll figure it out.



I am Fairbell.

This is the best date I've ever had in my entire life.

I cannot believe I finally met a girl who's down to watch all seven "Fast and Furious" films, consecutively.

I mean, are you kidding? I thought it was so sweet that you cried when Paul Walker took that left, and you were just bawling.

I mean, you're just so in touch with your emotions.

I mean, that's 'cause of you.

I'm not afraid to be myself around you.

And, I was wondering if you'd be my girlf... my woman friend.

Will you accept this Joslyn's premium brand key chain as a token of my love?

[Breathes sharply]

Well, I do live my life one quarter mile at a time.

[Both laugh]

From "Fast and Furious."


No, no.

♪ ♪


Girls, I'd love to work some of our favorite drills together, but I'm afraid my hunger strike has left me too weak.

It's gonna be worth it, though, when the administration sees how they were wrong to...

Coach, how long has it been since you last eaten?

I don't even know anymore. It's all a haze.

Two or maybe even three... hours?

♪ ♪

Quinn, you wanted to see me?


Come in and, uh, shut the door, please.

Look, if this is about the Gil Nash protest, I think you need to stop right there because...

Look, you're not Loren's best friend.

So, I'm just gonna come out and say it... you probably haven't even noticed that he has a bit more pep in his step.

Yeah. Everyone has noticed.

They were [bleep] each other in the faculty parking lot.

Don't you mean that he was [bleep] her?



That explains the extra $75 charge.

What are you talking about?

I... ordered Loren... a lady of the night.

Uh, Jade is a prostitute?

Yes. She's a prostitute.

[Laughing] Oh, my God.

It's not funny, okay?

I did it to help Loren break his streak.

[Laughing] It's funny.

It's not funny, 'cause now they're dating, and she has my credit-card number.

Abbey, $300 for a lookout mountain BJer.


Well, why don't you just stop paying her?

I can't, because then Loren's gonna find out the truth, okay?

And that is where you come in.

I will allow you to protest Gil Nash's speech if you can help me break up Jade and Loren, organically.

I do think it's hilarious that Loren is dating a prostitute, but this is my opportunity to save a woman from s*x work.

[Laughing] But Loren is such a [bleep] in this scenario.



Okay, Quinn. I'll do it. You got a deal.


Time for this fox to go on the hunt.

[Cellphone buzzes]

What is a Detroit tonsillectomy?!

My God, Loren.

[Sultry music plays]

Hey. What's up, Loren?

Oh, hey, Abbey. What's up?

Uh, nothin'.


[Sighs] Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm just grading papers, thinking about Jade.

She has really opened you up, sexually.

Oh, yeah, she has.


Other day, she had three fingers inside of me before I...

Oh, I know. We all saw it in the parking lot.


Oh. Right.

Ever since you, uh, broke your streak, you seem, um, different.

I really like it.

Yeah, it's 'cause I'm woke now.

[Laughs] Whatever.

[Bleep] Abbey.

Whatever... whatever it is, it's, uh...

I think it's hot.

Abbey, this mole has definitely grown over the semester...


... and there's a big old hair in it.

Oops. [Laughs]

Yeah, you can keep the pen.

I got, like, so many more of those.

Why don't you break up with Jade, and you and I can, like, have some fun together?

First of all, I'm flattered, you know?

But, second of all, you are so gross.

[Scoffs] You know what? Forget it.

I'm... I'm... There's more than one way to skin a cat.

No, no, no, there's not. There's just the one way.

Yeah, the guy lies flat on his back, and then she's in heels and squats.

Oh, geez.

Well, my hunger strike may have been ignored, but now I'll use my body's pure muscle as an immovable object to keep you from getting access to my office.

So, if you want in there to clean it, you're gonna have to run me over.

All right.



Don't mess up the bottom of my cart, Fairbell.


Oh, you're like a little speed bump.

Yeah, a speed bump of justice.

♪ ♪

Look at this graduation tassel.

Now, that is 100% human hair right there.

Are there a few bald women running around Malaysia right now?

I'm sure, but they don't call it "Kuala Lum-rich."

[School bell rings]

Okay, well, grab an order form on your way out.

Take... take one, you...

Hey, Shoemaker.



Loren, what are you doing?!

I'm sorry. I'm distracted, I... Hey, when did you know that Tampa was, like, the one?

Probably during the third trimester when her dad pulled a gun on me.

Yeah. I'm just thinking about taking it to the next level with Jade, you know?


But I need a good ring.

[Chuckling] You need a ring?

Well, y-you do know that Joslyn's is the number-one provider of rings in the United States and territory of Guam?

Yeah, but those are class rings.

The classiest.

See, your problem is, right now, y-y-you're thinking of it as a wedding.

Don't. Think of it as a graduation into marriage.

Mmm. That does check out.

[Laughs] Yeah, it does. Get up.


Real quick, I'll show you some items that I'm excited about.

♪ ♪



You must be Loren's girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, I'm Jade. And you are...

Abbey, but it doesn't matter.


I love your shirt.

Ugh, Gil Nash. What a prick.

Yeah, he is, right?


I heard he's speaking at your graduation. Gross.

I mean, someone should take him down a peg.

I am taking him down a peg.

Why can't the government keep its hands out of my vag, right?

I know, or at least, pay what it costs to get in there, right?

[Both laugh]

Oh, listen, though, that's not what I, uh, came to talk to you about.


I heard what's happening with you and Loren, and it's messed up.

You need to break up with him.

Why would I do that? [Chuckles]

Because it's the right thing to do.

You know what? He's having a good time, and so am I.

Yeah, but, I mean, you're a... prostitute.

Okay. [Chuckles] There it is... typical.

Faux feminist, yeah.

Wait, a faux fem... No!


I mean, telling me what to do with my body?

That's something Gil Nash would do, right?

Not a cool chick like you?

Did you... did you just say I was cool?

Yeah, but, you know, what do I know?

I'm just a dirty old prostitute.

No, you're the coolest! No!

Really? Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Both laugh]

You know what?

If you ever want to hang out, talk shop, here is my business card.

It's a punch card, so...


Both: This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!

Oh, my God! "When Harry Met Sally" is, like, my favorite movie of all time.

Me, too.


But, if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat Loren's [bleep].



Hey, babe.


No, come on.


Shake, shake, shake, shake-a, shake-a.

Okay, yeah, that's fun.

God, you are perfect.

You are.

Is that... is that Rick Greene?

Uh. [Chuckles]

Hi, mister.

You've got me confused with someone else.


Happens all the time.

[Laughs] Okay.

You know Dr. Greene?

Oh, I love those guys.


♪ ♪

We're burned. Loren's onto us.

You spoke to the whore?

She will blow our cover in front of the whole [bleep] damn school.

Great. We've got to move back down to Brazil until this whole mess cools over.

No, we don't have to move back down, all right?

We're gonna apologize and get ahead of this whole damn thing.

Get ahead of the thing?!

We're gonna get ahead of the thing, yes.

You and the prostitute.

It's not me and the prostitute!

You and the prostitute, yeah, no.

You're the one with the [bleep] punch card!

Don't you talk about my punch card!


Stop it!

♪ ♪

$375 for a rim job?!

What is a rim j... actually, that one's pretty self-explanatory.

Am I interrupting something?

"Am I interrupting something?"

Abbey, what is going on?!

I gave you one task, and Loren is still racking up charges!

About that... I'm out.

Jade is actually an incredible person, and she realizes that I'm, uh, pretty cool, and she wants to hang out on the reg.

I just hired her as a prostitute to love Loren.

Like any best friend would, okay?

And, now, she is bankrupting me!

Well, I think Jade is great, and what she does with her body is her business.

Oh, no, it's also my business because she's now ruining my credit!

Well, then, just tell Loren.


He would never forgive me. I'll figure out another way, but you will not protest Gil Nash at the graduation.


You broke our deal!



I've got a better idea, anyway!







[Chuckling] Well... knock, knock.

Oh, Mr. Shoemaker.

Hope this isn't a bad time.

You could not have picked a worse time to sell me Joslyn's.

And I am sorry about that, but I wanted to tell you about some new rings that we have that just came in with my favorite stone... jade.

Again, I'm not interested, so...

Well, perhaps I could go sell some of these jade pieces to Loren.

With those beautiful, hazel eyes...

Quinn, I know that Jade's a prostitute!

Now, unless you outfit this graduation with Joslyn's gear, I will tell Loren, and it will crush him!

You... wouldn't... dare... tell... Loren... that...

I... hired... a... prostitute.

Oh, I would, Unless you're willing to turn this graduation into a rad-duation. Am I right?

That's a great name... "rad-duation."

Kyle. Kyle.

Help me find the key. A raccoon took it.




Did you sleep here?


I tried everything to save my job.

I didn't eat for three hours, I laid down on the floor, I chained myself to this door, and nothing worked.

Yeah, because all those things are super lame.

You've got to do something huge.

[Scoffs] Like what?

[Chuckling] Well, let me just tell you that, when I get done with Gil Nash, his period tax is gonna go up in flames.

Up in flames.

Maybe I do know what to do, after all.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find some pig's blood.


Ugh! Oh!



["Pomp and Circumstance" plays]


These kids look really hot, Shoemaker.

The hottest.

That's because they're wearing the new Joslyn's brand executive graduation robe.

It's lined with real gray wolf fur.


Wolf fur... perfect for summer.

You know, I can sense your sarcasm, Abbey.

I'm sorry you had to buy your own crappy robes.

I'm glad we did buy our own robes.

These kids are sweating like a whore in church.

Or in graduation, am I right?

Quinn came to me, and he said, "Shoemaker, I want to make this the greatest graduation we've ever had."

Isn't that right, Geoffrey?

[Laughs] It certainly is.

Please help me welcome your friend and reformed citizen, Geoffrey Quinn!



Welcome to 2017's... rad-duation!


[Young man coughs]

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new mayor of Denver, Mr. Gil Nash!

[Cheers and applause]

Ah. Well, uh, I may not have the, uh, fancy slogans the Principal Quinn has...


.. but I think what he's trying to say is that we are all here to celebrate the Smoot High graduating class of 2017!

[Cheers and applause]

Now, I'm sure all of you are looking forward to the challenges ahead, but maybe also feeling a little sad about leaving Smoot behind.

I mean, it's mere minutes away from shopping and nightlife, with prime green spaces, and how about those mountain views?

Ooh! Smoot is literally an oasis smack-dab in the middle of the Mile High City.

♪ ♪

Whether you're an up-and-coming professional or new empty nesters, Smoot is an amazing community!

[Breathing heavily]

Till they turn their back on you!

Son, I'm in the middle of something, here, okay?

Yeah, my gymnasium... at least, it was until they took it away from me.

You smell like gasoline?

Oh, you mean protest juice?

No, you... you, li... Oh, God, you're covered in gasoline.



Okay. I'm not gonna take it anymore.

I'm not gonna be ignored.

And these colors don't run.

I'm gonna do exactly what Abbey told me to and light myself on fire.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I said!

[All gasping]

Fairbell, no, no, no.

This is all for you, Smoot!



[Indistinct shouting]

Oh! I didn't know it was gonna be so hot!






Nothing ever works out for me!

I can't even stay lit on fire!

Oh, hell.

Woman: Oh!

All this blood is making the kids faint!

Are they fainting?

It's not that.

It's these crazy hot robes.

The zippers are defective.

Who sold the kids these... robes?!

[Indistinct shouting]

It's Shoemaker!

Kill him.


Kill him!

Okay, everybody.

[Chuckling] Cooler heads prevail.

There is a simple explanation for...

No refunds! Not any refunds! There's no refunds!


[Indistinct shouting]


Is there a doctor in the house?!


There's a doctors in the house.

He's right.

We are, and have always been, two Dr. Greenes.

But right here, on this stage right now, we are revealed!


Who gives a [bleep]?

That got nothing? Zero.


That should've gotten so much more than that.

That should've gotten way more.

Hey. Hey, Doublemint.

There's kids dying. Go help 'em.

But you admit that there should've been more of a reaction?

Yes, fine. Go help.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[Indistinct shouting]

Woman: Oh.

Geoffrey Quinn, you're under arrest.

Hey! Get your hands off me, boy!

Vachara, this is Quinn.

Under arrest? What for?

For soliciting a prostitute.

[All gasp]

But that wasn't for me... that was for my best friend.

What? [Scoffs]

Jade, is this true?

Are you a prostitute?

Shut the [bleep] up. [Chuckles]

I can't believe...

I'm so sorry, Loren. I-I never...

... that you would do something so awesome for me, Quinn.

You did this to help me get through my slump?

Yeah. [Chuckling] Yeah.

That is best-friend stuff, man.


Thank you.

You saying that... and that's gonna sustain me...

What do you think?

One to three?

... one to three years of best friendship.



Bring it in here, best friend.

You got it.

Come on, let's go.

[Indistinct conversations]

God. My girlfriend is a prostitute.

Yeah. It looks like your girlfriend is getting arrested.

[Handcuffs clicking]


Jeff, bring me over.

Jade, it doesn't bother me that you're a prostitute.

I don't care if you've slept with every guy in Denver.

I have. [Chuckles]

I don't care about what you do for a living.

All I care about is what's right here...


.. and, also, your heart.


And that's why I'll wait for you.

I don't care how long...

Probably only be like 12 hours.

I know Jeff, and I can suck my way out of anything.

Well, then I guess I only have one question left for you, Jade Falcon Kerouac.

Oh, my God. What is it?

[Chuckling] Oh!

Will you marry me?

[All aww]




You're gonna gasp at that?

Come on.

That's what gets a ga... that's a soap-opera gimmick, people.

We are twins.

Secret twins.

Secret twins.

You got to stop talking at the same time. Stop it.


The whore was about to answer.

Thank you.

So? What do you say?

Yes, yes.


Yes, I would love to be Mrs. Loren Payton.


Yes, yes!

[Laughs] Oh. Oh.

♪ ♪


She kissed me on the mouth.

I did.

Guys, she kissed me on my mouth.



I've never seen a whore do that.

Oh, hey, look at that.

Your, uh, cold sore's coming in nicely, there.

It's chapped lips, dude. It's unrelated.

No, it is not. That is an aggressive herpe from that new fiancée of yours.

Fiancée? I like the sound of that.


How'd you get her to quit her job?

Oh, no, I didn't. No, between our two salaries, she's the breadwinner in the family.


Literally, she's working the Orowheats conference downtown this weekend.

Oh, wow. Loren, I think that you might finally have gotten woke.

If my fiancé was getting whack-a-moled by eight guys in a hotel room, I don't think that I could handle it.

I couldn't.

I guess I never thought of it that way.


Or at all, really, but I'm cool with it.

Yeah. I'm cool... I'm cool with...

Well, you should be, 'cause Jade is awesome.


She gave me her business card, said that if I ever wanted to change careers, give her a call, huh?

Yeah. You'll stay busy because there are plenty of sickos with ginger fetishes in this world.


Oh, you guys are too sweet.

Yeah. I had a pretty kickass night myself.

Tampa found out about my economic windfall, and she said, "I want you to come home."



Yeah. I'm renting the basement... for $2,500 a month.

Wait, $2,500?


Yeah, that is steep for a none-bedroom, but I'm 15 feet away from being part of my family again, so...

Ohh! I just had the coolest thing happen to me.

The mayor just called me.

No way.

Yes, huh. Yes, huh. And guess what...

He just made me the new principal.


Are you serious?

Yeah. Since Quinn got arrested again, it's me!

I'm the principal!

Yeah, he said he'd never seen passion like mine before, and anyone who's willing to "self-imitate" in front of everyone is exactly the kind of stable principal that Smoot deserves.

No way. In what world are you my boss?

This one, right now.

Shut up.

Fairbell, principal. Wow.

Abbey, you ought to protest Gil Nash over this bull[bleep]

I'm done protesting. If Fairbell really is principal, then I'm gonna spend some time on Abbey.

Besides, how bad can a real-estate mogul turned politician be? [Chuckles]

[Ominous music plays]

Giving the job to that flaming volleyball coach was genius.


I was gonna put lead in the drinking fountain but this will ruin the school so much quicker.

Yep. And after Captain Deep[bleep] runs Smoot into the ground...

You get your corner unit...

Ah ah.

... and I get my mixed use condo.

[both laugh ominously]