01x03 - Tested

[bunniefuu]

[alarm ringing]

[groans]

[alarm stops ringing]

[groans]

[alarm ringing]

[toothbrush whirring]

[whirring stops]

Five more seconds.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Oh, this is such a good video.

Are you thinking about doing it? We could do it together.

Mmm...

No. It looks too tiring.

It is. It is very tiring when you... when you do it.

man: Up, round, hey!

I will masturbate to this, though.

For sure.

[woman moaning on laptop]

[breathing heavily]

[chiming]

Gus on car speakers: You know, when I was a kid, I learned about sex during the AIDS crisis, you know?

So sex seemed, like, really scary.

And then when I was a teenager, you know, like, the president got in trouble for, like, a blowjob...

Jesus, dude, get a f*cking grip.

...shameful thing.

And then by the time I got to college, there was Internet p*rn, so sex didn't even seem necessary.

therapist: What do you mean when you say Natalie liked you the most?

Gus: I think it comes down to, like, five categories.

Morning, Clay.

[horns honking]

Mickey: Okay. Jesus!

[brakes screeching]

[car crashes]

f*ck!

What the f*ck were you doing?

Sorry. I was texting.

Texting? You're not supposed to be texting!

I know. I'm sorry. I was stopped, and then that assh*le, he honked and I panicked, and I just...

I don't have time for this sh*t. You could've k*lled someone.

sh*t! f*ck! I know.

I'm gonna stop doing it. I'm sorry. I'm really...

You know what? Let's take a look at the damage.

Yeah, let's go.

Okay.

driver: What the f*ck?

Uh, I don't think there's any damage. We're good!

Have a good day, thank you.

Hey! What the f*ck?

[theme music playing]

Gus laughing: Yeah...

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

Arya: Funny, right?

Gus: Yeah, it's hilarious.

Gus chuckles: Ow. Ouch.

man in video: Uh, are you okay?

Well, should we get to class? Should we start it up?

One more, one more. Look at this dog. Oh, my God.

Gus: Oh, yeah, that's real funny.

Okay. All right, well, should we start class?

One more?

Oh, okay. We'll do one more, and then... then class, okay?

man in video: What, what?

Gus: Uh, that's a goat.

goat: What, what? What?

[Arya laughing]

What?

man in video: What?

Okay, one more, one more.

Oh, uh, Arya, there's, like, 40 of these, okay?

So we should probably... [inhales sharply] get to studying.

Let's do it. Let's get you ready for, uh... let's get you ready for these ERBs.

What's that?

Arya, come on, we've talked about this for, like, two weeks.

The ERBs... state exam you have to pass today.

Just give me a minute. I've been working all morning, I'm tired.

Totally get that. That's awesome.

It's just, um... [inhales sharply]

I think they're gonna call you to set in, like, 45 minutes.

Can you take a picture for my Instagram?

Um...

Okay.

We'll do that real quick.

We'll take a photo, and we'll jump into class.

Okay. Here we go.

Let's see, here.

[sighs] Take two. One for my private and one for my public.

Oh, you have two?

Mmm-hmm.

Baller.

Big time.

Do you even know what that means?

Baller? No. I have no clue.

[camera shutter clicks]

Okay. Okay, one, here we go. That's one.

And, um...

Wait, do you wanna get the hair out of your face?

Why? It's on purpose.

It is?

Yes, my hair looks better than my face today.

Okay. So you... All right. Sure.

Okay.

[camera shutter clicks]

That was a great picture of your head covered in hair.

Beautiful. All right.

Oh! Have you seen my dance for my dance class?

Real quick. Sit down.

Okay.

All right, Arya, just make it fast.

Okay, ready?

Mmm-hmm.

[Arya breathing deeply]

[dance music playing]

All right, Arya.

Hey, Arya, how long is this?

Can you please not interrupt me?

Now I have to start over again.

From the top?

Yes.

You can't just start from where you were?

Your job isn't that hard. Just watch me do the dance.

Okay.

It's not that hard.

Okay.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs]

No, I don't want the witches to turn invisible.

Who the f*ck decided they had that power?

You can't just make up new powers without checking with me.

Yeah, I didn't... I was not into that.

[knocking on door]

Uh, yeah. Can I just say, though, that what I like about invisibility is that, it just... it seems like a strong metaphor because women in the 1950s are themselves invisible in a way.

Susan: Wyatt, I know, I know. I get it, I get it.

Okay? But we can't just go and pull out new powers, [stutters] or else the witches are gonna be going to the moon or time-traveling or some sh*t.

It seems to me that if they can already make other objects disappear...

I'm sorry, are you still arguing for invisibility?

I always hated that.

This isn't the f*cking Fantastic Four, Wyatt, okay?

Accept the "no."

Now, what's a power that witches would have?

Uh, maybe they could, like, call upon the dead for help?

Dude, what? What's happening?

[stutters]

Like, zombies? Dead... Is that what we're going for now?

[stuttering] No, not like zombies.

Like talking to spirits, like, in a séance-y sort of...

What's happening? Is he pitching ideas...

I don't know. I don't know what I'm... She was looking at me and I thought...

[stuttering]

Do you have any other ideas?

Okay, we'll take a ten-minute break.

That doesn't mean 20 minutes.

Wyatt softly: All right.

[Ali sighs]

So, Gus...

Arya has a test today?

Yeah, uh, the ERBs. State exam.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

And, uh, Len tells me that if she fails again, that she won't be able to work on the show for a month.

Uh, 30 working days.

So it's actually a little bit more than a month...

Right, right. No. See, that just can't happen.

The next six episodes are built around Arya.

I mean, her character gets her period for the first time, and so, you know, her witch powers start to show themselves.

That's cool. That's a... cool idea.

But if we lose Arya, then our production schedule gets f*cked.

And you don't think you'd be able to, like, sh**t around her...

Or... you could do your job... and make sure she passes a simple test.

No, you're right... I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that. Uh-huh.

No, no, no. Don't apologize.

I... I only care if she passes or not.

So...

Mmm-hmm.

I need you to promise me that Arya will pass this test.

Well, I'd love to promise you that, but, um, you know, she still has to take the test.

Mmm-hmm.

And it's just... it's really hard for me to get her to focus, and I think it's because... maybe because she has, like, early call times and...

You're talking to me like I actually give a f*ck, okay?

I'm not gonna solve this problem for you. She's a child. She goes to school.

I'm not the teacher here, okay? Don't pull me in.

Okay.

I like you.

Hey, I like you, too.

But if she doesn't pass this test, I'm gonna have to f*cking fire you.

Arya will pass this test, I promise.

Fantastic.

Okay. Cool.

You know, actually, I was thinking about that whole... call-upon-the-dead thing for next season.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, you were?

Yeah. Yeah, I was.

Oh, well, that's cool.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, hey, if you ever want me to come in and we spitball ideas or anything, I'd be happy to, you know.

Well, maybe we'll do that sometime.

Okay. Cool. Yeah.

All right.

Could you, uh, close that door on your way out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

man: So I was like, "Why do you need a lock on your phone if you got nothing to hide?"

Ryan, do you trust your wife?

Ryan: Yeah.

She needs her digital privacy, Ryan. We all do.

I wouldn't want you to know what I was looking at online.

That doesn't make me a cheater. It just makes me a human.

So, in the meantime, keep your hands off your wife's phone.

Okay, Ryan?

Let's take a break.

When we come back, we'll be talking to Lisa, who thinks two beds might be better than one.

Be right back, on Heart Work.

Your next caller is 45. She's from Colorado. She's got two kids.

[grunts]

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm good, thanks. Have a seat.

Oh, okay.

[groans]

So, how you doing, Mickey?

Good, yeah.

Yeah?

Thanks for subbing in for Rob today.

You know me, I'm a real jack of all trades.

[chuckles] Oh, I know you.

Your new assistant starts tomorrow, so you're set.

Yes.

Yeah. You've been giving me a lot of great calls today, but... you know who I wish I got a call from?

Hmm?

Mickey.

[chuckles]

'Cause I would listen and I would give her some help.

[chuckles uneasily] Thanks, but...

Come on. What's got you down?

Oh...

Is it something in the office?

Are you mad at me because I had you fire Rob?

No! No.

All right, well... how'd he take it?

Not good. Not good.

He was pretty upset.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I figured.

I got a bunch of drunk emails at around 5:00 a.m.

[chuckles]

He sent me a link to an !sis video.

Rob is a very hostile person. I'm sorry if he ruined your weekend.

No, he didn't ruin my weekend.

It was just bullshit Eric drama, but [clicks tongue] that's over.

Oh, Eric. That rollercoaster, hmm?

No, it's good, though.

We're finally done. I feel so much better about it.

Best thing you can do right now?

Don't try to feel better.

Just feel. Feel it all.

Today and tomorrow, just pass through it.

Because maybe... something positive has happened.

Maybe you needed to... clean out some emotional space for something good.

Something new.

You're back on.

Yeah.

So I'm banging this chick, man, and all of a sudden, the pictures start falling off the wall.

I think I'm k*lling it. It's an earthquake.

Does this have dairy?

No, you know I got you covered on that dairy and gluten.

I got that out of here for you.

Well, last time, it had yogurt.

Yeah, that was last time. This is today. I covered it.

[scoffs]

I do not envy you, man. That chick is a brat.

Oh, no. She's not that bad.

What are you talking about? She's a prima donna and she drinks these green drinks.

Who drinks these green drinks when they're 12?

[inhales sharply] Yeah.

Where's the Capri Sun at?

I know. I'm in my 30s and I don't even drink those.

I'd k*ll for a Capri Sun right now.

Me, too.

You got one?

No!

Oh, man, you gotta stock up. Get some Capri Suns in here.

Maybe, maybe. Maybe, man.

Yeah.

Hey, you know, I think...

I think I can get her to pass this test. Seriously.

I mean, I just hope, like, I can do it so Susan doesn't think I'm, like, a f*ck-up, 'cause then she'll never, like, read my spec ever.

Oh, word. What's a... what's a spec?

It's like, when you write an episode of a TV show, even though nobody asked you to, just to have a sample of, like, how good or bad of a writer you are.

Oh, you know what? That... that might actually work.

My aunt actually hates all the writers.

All she does is talk about how they do nothing but just f*ck her up.

Yeah, your aunt's a pretty big ballbuster, I'm gonna admit. Yeah.

I know. That's why I never talk to her.

She hooked me up with this gig and I just stay out of her way.

That's good. It's a smart move.

What's wrong with your phone, man?

What?

You've been checking it all day, man.

Oh, yeah, I'm just checking my texts 'cause I, like... met this girl and we've been having, you know...

We had a good time, like, hanging out.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Can I show you a picture? Is that weird?

Oh, yeah, man.

Is that creepy?

Oh, yeah, let me see what you're working with.

Her name's Mickey. Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah, dude!

Oh, yeah, she's fine, man. It's blurry, but she's clearly fine.

She's good, man.

She's like Dax Shepard's wife.

You know, like, that Frozen chick.

Yeah.

Right, what's her name? Ildrus? Susan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot.

I don't know.

[exhales deeply] Yeah, it's just, like, I... I don't know.

'Cause it's like... I think I, like, overplayed my hand.

Dude, freaking out only makes it worse. She'll text, man.

What'd you text her?

I texted her, like, "Sup?"

"Sup"? Just "Sup"?

"Sup," question mark.

"Sup?" is perfect, man.

Yeah?

I've gotten laid texting "sup" plenty of times.

Okay.

She'll text, man. Don't worry about it.

'Cause I go the other way before...

You know, I'll end up, like, texting so much, I end up sending, like, a f*cking book to somebody, you know?

And that's never good. That's...

Nothing dries up a vag*na more than a paragraph, man.

"Who's having great sex? Not you?

Let's figure out why, Friday on Dr. Greg."

Great. Number four.

"Plaid, polka dots, infidelity, co-dependency, you guessed it.

We're talking about patterns, tomorrow on Heart Work with Dr. Greg."

Come on, that's... that's ridiculous. Who wrote that?

I wrote that one.

Oh.

[sighs] It's good.

Number five, last one.

"Pouring out a little too much beer for your dead homies?

How to cope with the loss of a friend without losing your sobriety.

Next Wednesday on Heart Work with Dr. Greg."

Dope. All right, I'll put some music under those and we're good to go.

All right. Great. [exhales]

We have fun together, don't we?

Mmm-hmm.

It is good that we can talk about work or Eric, or breakups, or whatever.

My last relationship was so brutal. It was very toxic.

I'm someone who likes to let people be who they are, right?

Uh-huh.

She wanted me to define her. She wanted me to be her daddy.

I would come home from work at the end of the day and she would say I abandoned her.

Maybe I'm too giving.

Hmm. Sounds like you guys weren't a good fit.

We were sexually incompatible. I like sex and she didn't.

[snickers]

What about you and Eric? What went wrong?

Uh, I just think he loved cocaine more than he loved me.

[laughing]

That is really funny.

[chuckles]

Wow. Life is so crazy, right?

Yeah. [chuckles]

You're not dating anyone, I'm not dating anyone.

And then I'm like, "Wow, I could never date a co-worker. What a bad idea."

[nervous chuckle] Yeah, what a bad idea.

[laughs]

And then I think, maybe one day, if... we were each working at different stations, maybe, you know, we could make that happen.

I'm sorry, I don't really follow.

I mean, is this job worth not giving it a try?

[Mickey sighs]

I don't know, maybe we should both quit.

[chuckles] I'm joking.

One of us quit? I'm kidding.

[chuckles nervously]

I'm so flattered.

I'm gonna go check on those promos.

Maybe I should just quit?

Come on, that's crazy talk, man. Jesus.

I know, but he's gonna fire me either way.

f*cking Dr. Greg is not gonna fire you, okay?

Yes, he is. If he flirts with me and I don't flirt back, in, like, eight weeks, I'm gonna spill a coffee in a meeting and he's gonna fire me. It's happened before.

sh*t. There's not a crazier m*therf*cker than a therapist, man.

They're demented.

I know.

So what, he asked you out?

No.

What, then, like... he wants you to blow him?

No, it's worse. He likes me.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah. He likes me, I don't like him.

I'm sorry.

He's gonna find a reason to fire me, and then I'm gonna be gone.

He did it to Melanie and he did it to Jane.

I saw Jane a month ago. She's working at Chipotle now.

She looks ten years older.

sh*t.

I heard Melanie moved to, like, Arizona.

I saw a photo with her on Facebook, watering cactus. It was sad.

I can't do it. f*ck.

I have so much credit card debt, I can't even quit if I want to.

You can't lose this job. It's a sweet gig, all right?

The hours are great. It's f*cking easy, man.

All we do is sit around most of the time.

They don't even notice we take long cigarette breaks.

People here are lax with people like us, you know?

[whispers] sh*t.

Stay here, man. You're family.

It's too slimy. No offense.

That's great. Very good.

And what other words would you use to describe the taste of the meat?

The ham.

Rubbery. Filmy. Watery.

Cool. Great...

Thin. Gross. Didn't want it.

Yeah, and it has, like... weird little veins in it, like, little pig veins.

You know how they make this stuff? The animals are bred for death.

These animals don't have any thoughts. Okay? They eat and they sh*t.

God gave them to us to k*ll and eat.

I understand, but if you were looking for a new lunch snack, is this one you would consider using?

Does it have an oaky, barbecue-y taste?

I only eat things I can grow myself.

Why are you in this tasting?

They told me I was gonna get to see a free movie.

Some Reese Witherspoon and The Muppets movie.

I don't know what to tell you, sir.

I think you called back the wrong number.

You know, if you wanna see a free movie, all you have to do is call the theater and tell them that the projector was all f*cked up.

I don't know about that, ma'am.

I'm just trying to find out what you thought of the taste.

Maybe what your children would think of the taste.

If they were gonna improve the flavor, what aspect of it would they improve?

I like spicy things. Really spicy things.

Like, so spicy most people can't eat it, but I can eat it.

And I think that's kind of, like... the future of snacks.

[cell phone vibrating]

Okay, um... and I just need two minutes and I'll be right back.

It takes so long to eat. This is like gum.

A ham-flavored gum.

You're eating death.

Mickey, is everything all right?

Yeah, totally. Uh, I just need to vent.

Is now a bad time?

Not at all.

I'm flattered you called. What's up?

How much money do you have?

If I was unemployed for, like, six months, could you afford our rent?

Oh.

Uh, I was actually going to ask you for a little more time this month.

My grandma hurt her hip and she has dementia, and I've been sending her money, but she keeps losing the money.

And she's been yelling at the nurses and accusing them of stealing it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no, it's fine.

Um... I'm not gonna lose this job. I'll make it work.

That's the spirit. You'll make it work.

Just like I do...

All right.

...even when I'm...

[line disconnects]

But Mother, k*lling is wrong.

Not always.

If there's a positive force in the universe, then there has to be a negative force.

It's how the universe stays balanced.

And who's to say which is positive and which is negative?

What is it like to k*ll, Mother?

There's a sense of cleansing, of making things right.

I could never hurt anyone.

What if you were helping them?

Some people need to be freed from this realm.

I understand now.

I understand my obligation... to k*ll.

man: And cutting. Let's cut, people.

[all laughing]

Wow, Arya.

You were really good in that scene. Bravo.

Thanks. When the writing is good, I can do a good job.

But lately, the writing has been horrible.

Oh, yeah? I mean, well, you really got something.

It's like, some actors, you know, they can work really hard, but they don't got the magic. But you got the magic.

Seriously, I'm impressed.

Well, I know that, but what I really wanna do is movies.

Like Simone, she was in a movie with Beyoncé and she got to play a prost*tute.

Her and Beyoncé were co-prostitutes?

Yeah.

Dream job. Right? Totally.

[sighs] Well, hey, now that we're feeling good, why don't we jump into class, ride this enthusiasm...

[gasps]

Come on, let's go in this golf cart.

No, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Come on, we, uh... we only got, like, one last cram sesh to do before these ERBs, so...

One ride. That's it.

If I give you a ride, you gotta promise me, like, 20 good minutes, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

All right, okay...

But I'm driving.

No, I'll drive. Okay? You could k*ll us both.

You know how bad that would look? For me?

[chuckles]

Come on, faster!

What? Arya, this is, like, the fastest it goes.

Just go a little bit faster and we'll do 30 minutes. I promise.

Okay. Hold on.

[dance music playing]

Gus: So, uh... time to study?

Arya: Come on, five more minutes. This is where it gets good.

Gus panting: Okay. Five more minutes.

[cell phone chimes]

f*ck. Come on.

Arya: Come on.

It's so nice that you asked me for lunch, you know.

We never have lunch together.

I know. I'm usually so busy.

And you always seem so tired.

I do?

Not in a bad way. Just, you know... when you get like that, I just ask myself, "What about life is tiring her out?"

I don't know. I just...

I have a hard time dealing with sh*t sometimes.

I know, but... you can't see life as the enemy.

Life is what you make of it... right?

Seems like you made the right choice.

Sometimes I wonder, you know?

[inhales sharply]

Sometimes I wonder if I could've been the next Karl Malone.

I played power forward, so... [chuckles]

One of many reasons I wish I was black.

[laughs]

Not really. I mean, not that I wouldn't wanna be.

You know what I...

[stutters] Just... I'm comfortable with who I am.

What was that for?

Just always wanted to see what that'd be like.

How was it?

Need a larger sampling.

Take as much as you want.

This is so stupid. I'm tired.

Arya, seriously...

Like, I don't wanna freak you out or anything, but it's like... if you wanna keep working on the show, you have to, like, pass this test.

All right? That's... Them's the rules, okay?

[sighs] Whatever.

Don't "whatever" me, okay?

This is, like, an important life lesson.

It's like, in the real world, you gotta... finish tasks, you have to complete work, you know?

'Cause if you don't have, like, proper work habits, when things don't get so easy, you know, things are gonna be kinda tough, if you don't have an education.

Why wouldn't things be easy?

Think of most child actors, you know?

They're not actors when they get older, 'cause when they get older, they start looking weird, and they get, like, big ears and they're like, "Oh, I'm not as cute as I used to be anymore," you know?

So I'm gonna get big ears and be ugly and not be able to get jobs?

No... I wasn't saying that...

Are people not gonna like me when I'm not little?

No, I'm just telling you that, like...

For a lot of child actors, when they don't have work, and they don't have something to fall back on, they just get addicted to dr*gs, you know? Or they become homeless.

So I'm gonna get ugly and be homeless?

I'm not... saying that. I'm just saying...

You're in a bubble now.

Nobody's gonna tell you the truth. I'm telling you the truth.

Life is tough, things get hard, and you're gonna wanna have a backup plan.

So can we please just focus and study?

You're so mean! No!

[stutters]

[sighs]

[door slamming]

Did you just tell Arya that she's a bad actress?

What? No. Never.

'Cause my little girl is gonna take on the world.

Don't you ever tell my daughter that she is anything less than perfect.

'Course not. I was just saying, you know, I think...

She has a big test this afternoon, that's all...

And she'll ace it! Because she's tough.

And she's a f*cking champion.

m*therf*cker.

Sorry.

[door slamming]

[sighs]

[R&B music playing]

[both moaning]

Say something about my d*ck.

[breathing heavily] Your d*ck... it feels so good.

Yeah?

Yes.

It does, right?

Doctor.

It does feel good.

Okay.

[both moaning]

I know you wanna fire me.

What? What?

You can't fire me now.

[moans]

I don't want to fire you.

You can't fire me, 'cause you're f*cking me.

I'm not f*cking you. You're f*cking me.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're f*cking me.

[both moaning louder]

[moaning intensifies]

[satisfied groan]

You just came?

Mmm-hmm.

[Mickey inhales deeply]

I haven't yet, so...

Fine.

[Dr. Greg moaning]

[grunting]

[Dr. Greg mumbles]

[panting]

I feel a little weird.

[breathing heavily]

Five minutes left.

You're doing great. How you feeling?

I'm done.

Yeah? Okay, perfect.

See, that wasn't that bad, right?

Arya... [sighs]

You did, like, less than half of this. What's the deal?

I'm done, I'm tired, and I do not care about that test.

What is wrong with you?

You wanna lose your job?

You want me to lose my job?

Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you. It's just...

If you fail, you can't work for 30 days.

And... you know, a lot of people are gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Including me, okay?

Susan's gonna be pissed off at me and she's gonna fire me and then she's never gonna read my script...

Stop!

I'm under so much pressure right now!

I don't even want to work here!

[sobbing] I hate this place so much. Everyone is old!

Okay. It's okay. Hey, don't get upset, okay?

Uh, we got four minutes left. Let's just rip through this.

[sobbing] I wanna go to a real school, with real friends!

You can pass this. You just gotta sit down.

Okay, please?

You're my best friend!

You're my best friend because all my friends hate me because I met Taylor Swift.

Well, that's cool, right?

You get to meet Taylor Swift.

You get to make a bunch of spending money, huh?

I'd love to make the money you're making.

[crying] I don't even get the money!

My parents take it! And they're getting divorced!

What? Whoa, sh*t. Hold on, it's okay...

[Arya crying]

[yelling] I hear them arguing through the walls!

Through the walls!

[whispering] Okay. Hey, Arya, it's okay, okay?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

[grunting angrily]

[crying] I'm so sorry.

[door opening]

[breathing deeply]

[door slamming]

[sighs]

"Two apples are dropped off a ten-story building.

One apple is five pounds..."

What the f*ck?

I can't believe you said that.

What, about not wanting to touch your assh*le?

No, about me f*ring you.

Oh. Well, yeah, it's true. You can't now.

You think that I would do something like that?

Yeah, if I rejected you, I'd be gone. That's what you do. But... now that we f*cked, you can't, because that would be sexual harassment.

That's how you see me?

Mmm, sort of, yeah.

You think I'm someone who would fire you if you didn't accept my advances?

That's ridiculous.

Oh, really? Well, what about Jane?

You got all pervy with her and then you fired her.

I fired Jane because she stole from me.

She bought a Birkin bag with my credit card.

Well, what about Melanie?

[shouting] Melanie was dumb!

She made all of my passwords 1-2-3-4!

My identity was stolen.

Oh...

I didn't know that.

No, you didn't know that. You know why?

Because I was concerned about their reputations.

I wanted to have sex with you because I thought that we shared something.

Maybe shared some sort of special connection.

Do you really think that I'm, like, that type of manipulative person?

Do I give off just, like, some kind of f*cking awfulness? Huh?

Or are you the awful one?

Can't tell if you're f*cking with me right now.

Let me tell you something, okay? I am just a man.

I get up and I talk to people, and they tell me their problems and I try to give them strategies to help them make their lives just a little bit better.

That's what I do with my days, huh!

Do you know what it takes to be the type of person to call somebody for self-help and then they hang up, and I don't know if they've k*lled themselves.

I don't know if they're happy now, I don't know sh*t!

All I know is there is some sort of voice on the other side of the line that is f*cking crazy, that I am, all of a sudden, responsible for!

And I do that. I'm a saint.

I should have my face up on a f*cking stained glass window in a g*dd*mn church!

And I'm a Jew!

[sighs]

You know, I don't know if you're familiar with the term "projection," but I got something to show ya.

It's a little movie called Mickey Has No Idea Who the f*ck I Am!

[whispering] I don't know why I bother.

[yelling] I don't know why I f*cking bother!

[inhales]

You just really hurt my feelings.

[door slamming]

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

Susan, hey.

She pass?

Yeah. Yeah, she passed.

Connor? Tell Len and Mary that Arya passed the test.

Oh, also, could you go on to my Paleta account and make sure that I'm signed up for the plan with the most snacks?

I'm f*cking starving every day.

[typing]

Hey, um, Susan, can I just... talk to you, real quick?

Um, I just...

I wanted to let you know, uh, 'cause I think... you should know that the, uh, reason Arya passed is because I...

I helped her cheat.

So it's taken care of?

[stutters] Yeah, it is. It's taken care of and...

I guess I was sort of thinking, you know, since I came through for you, and helped the show not get shut down, maybe... you could do me a solid and take a look at this...

So what you meant was that you were so bad at your job of teaching that you had to cheat for her.

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I guess, um, you know, it's not really a teaching thing, it's more she has... [inhales sharply] just difficulty learning things and, um, she's under a lot of pressure.

We all are.

[continues typing]

Uh, well, you know, she's 12 years old. So...

I wish I was that rich when I was 12. But I was in Baltimore.

Oh, Baltimore?

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm from South Dakota, so... I struggled, too.

I mean, I think that's why I work so hard around here...

Thank you, Gus, for doing your job... that you get paid to do.

Gus chuckles: Okay.

Hey, Connor? Uh, see if Liz is around to talk wardrobe.

Don't tell her I'm here, just see if she's around.

[continues typing]

Close that door for me, please.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Bertie: This is what I do.

Mickey: Mmm.

This way, the whole tub fills up with syrup and you can just dip into it.

Good idea.

Sometimes it's fun to eat without limits.

I'm just gonna eat this whole thing tonight.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like you can gain ten pounds in one night.

One pound, two pounds max.

[humming, smacking lips]

Oh, sh*t, I forgot to text Gus.

See? This isn't hard at all. I could totally drive a car.

[cell phone chimes]

Let's go find somewhere where we can go really fast.

Yes! Yeah.

Floor this son of a bitch!

Let's go, come on. Whoo!

Arya: Whoo!

Gus: Whoo!

Arya: This is awesome.

Gus: Yeah.

[pop music playing]