instructor: Here we go. Walk it out.
That's it. Good.
Jog it. That's it. Good.
Good. Here we go, take it back.
Chris: How you feeling, man?
Gus: Great! Yeah.
I mean, there was a moment there when I wanted to just, like, stop, but then I fought through the pain and now I feel, like, reborn.
God, I'm so glad I forced myself to get up and come.
I was tempted to just stay in bed today and say, "f*ck it," you know?
Yeah? Are you tired or...
Nah, nah. Just a mild case of the bummers, you know?
I just found out my ex-girlfriend got engaged to a DJ, so...
Yeah, I know, man. So cool. I can't compete with that.
How about you, though, man? You got a big day today.
You nervous or...
No, I'm just, like, super excited, you know?
I'm just so grateful Susan's let me into the room so I can work on the rewrite of my episode.
It's cool, man.
Dude, listen to that, man.
I feel like you're about to blow up or something, man.
Oh, I don't know.
I just... I feel good. It feels great.
So cool. Think about this, man.
You're gonna be walking down red carpets.
Get that hot blonde girl that you hang out with, the crazy girl, on your arm.
You're gonna be wavin' at flash bulbs.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I think that's over and done with.
E! Entertainment Television's gonna be judging your outfit.
"Hot or not? Who wore it best?"
Hollywood stuff, you know?
They'll give you your name on a star, I heard.
[theme music playing]
Uh, no, Cookie Crisp is number one for me, but it's in my top five, I would say.
Is that, like, made of cookies?
Yeah, it's like tiny cookies.
Bertie: That does not sound healthy.
I know you. You're Gus' friend.
Yeah, it's... it's Randy, actually.
If you talk to Gus, could...
Never mind. That dude hates me.
[sighs] I got a little too enthusiastic. God forbid.
Whatever. That dude's a stud. He doesn't need me anyway.
Hey, did you feed the cat?
Mickey: That's weird. The food's still there from last night.
I hope he didn't get out.
Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa! Grandpa!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty...
Mickey: Grandpa. [sighs]
Goddamn it, Bertie. The cat's gone.
I told you you've got to close the doors.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I must have forgotten.
I'm sorry. I can go look for him.
Mickey: If he's not already eaten by a coyote.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry!
Might have been my fault. I left the door open in my room.
You're not going to say sorry?
"Sorry, I accused you of losing your pet. That was probably quite hurtful of me."
[stutters] Fine. Sorry.
Well, no, it's not, "Fine, sorry."
I feel a bit mistreated, frankly, and you have no concern for my feelings. You really don't.
[sighs and stutters]
Everything that you're saying right now is totally valid.
Can you just please not stand up for yourself today?
I'm just feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now.
All right, but we should... We got to talk about it tomorrow.
It's probably all right anyway, 'cause I had the vet put one of those... chips in him.
cartoon cat: Meow, meow. Out of business.
[sighs] It's out of business?
Oh, you know, 50% of all start-ups go out of business in the first year.
But that is a cute logo. [chuckles]
I gotta go to work. Ugh. But I'm gonna leave that door open and if Grandpa doesn't come back by tonight, we'll just make flyers and we'll go search the neighborhood, okay?
Did you check that washing machine or the dryer?
There's a possibility that he got stuck in there and he died already.
What? That's a thing? f*ck!
That was too far, I think.
It does happen.
Dude, dude. Let me get my set-up right, man.
I don't interrupt your job. Don't interrupt mine.
G, big man on campus. First day in the writers' room, huh?
Yeah. Dude, I am... [inhales deeply] nervous.
Dude, cut it out, man. Cut it out. You can't act nervous.
You cannot go in there acting nervous.
They smell it.
They're wolves in there, man.
My aunt, she can smell fear.
Good to know. Okay.
She's very thinning-of-the-herd type person.
Dude, dude, no, no.
Do not eat cookies. Don't eat any sugar.
Sugar makes you crash.
You'll look tired and they'll take it as a sign of weakness.
Dude, here's what you do.
Go apple. Apple, natural energy, breaks down over the course of the day and it doesn't make you sh1t all the time.
Hmm. That's good.
Just the right times.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're welcome, man.
One more thing, man.
Don't lock up.
She hates quiet writers.
One other thing.
You're giving me, like, too much advice now.
It's, like, overload. I can't get it all.
Okay, you know what I'll do, man?
Instead of yelling it to you, I'll text it to you.
[on phone] Hey, this is Gus. Leave a message. [beeps]
[sighs] f*ck you.
[sighs] I feel like I'm losing it.
You say that a lot. You're the girl who cried crazy.
Do you have any weed? I wanna smoke. I just... [sighs]
Maybe I need some fresh air.
Oh, normally, I would say a big yes on that, but this week I'm trying something different.
Every time I want to smoke weed, I'm going to do 15 push-ups.
Every time I wanna m*st*rb*t*, I'm gonna do 20 sit-ups.
That way, by the end of the weekend, I'll be totally ripped and I'll get high on self-esteem.
What do you think? You want to try that with me?
Maybe Jen has some. I'm gonna...
I just... I don't, I don't, I don't... [sighs]
Let me know when you're ready.
Susan: So, uh, I think we should go ahead and give all of Pastor Lewis' dialogue here to Judge Nancy.
Oh. Okay. Huh.
Um, just thinkin' out loud.
Do you think we should change that to Judge Nancy?
'Cause Pastor Lewis is the person who suggests the burning later, so...
Oh, we're not doing the burning in this episode. It doesn't work.
Okay. Wow, big change. [chuckles]
I mean, it's a good change.
I like it. It's just, uh... Let me just say, guys, I'm so glad to be here. Really. Not to get too mushy, but it's, like, very important to me, so...
Very grateful, very grateful.
Okay. Let's hear some other ideas on places where the serial killer and the witches could face off.
I mean, I feel like we always end up putting this kind of scene in the library.
Let's just put it in the library, right?
Can we just pretend to be creative here at least?
Uh... maybe they could face off, uh, at the... at, like, a quarry?
Yeah, like, one of those, you know... Like, it could be cool.
You know, like, the town chases the killer into the quarry and then, like, maybe somebody gets, like, behind a crane, like, holding a bunch of rocks.
And then they, like... drop the rocks on the guy.
Kill him with... kill him with rocks?
Susan: Actually, can I get a hard copy? I wanna look at something.
Gus: Hard copy...
I'm sorry to bother you. Um...
I noticed, like, it just has "story by," my name.
It doesn't say, like, "written by."
I just... I didn't...
I didn't know that was happening.
Oh, no, no, no. See, the only thing we're using from your script was the fact that the witches get blamed for a serial killer's murders, so...
So you get the "story by."
Yeah, that's still a big deal for you.
Yeah. All right. I just... [stutters]
This is just a surprise because I thought it was, like, my episode.
It is your episode.
And it's our episode.
It's my episode, too.
Yeah, it's... See? Ali.
Yeah. Oh, right. There's your name.
It's Wyatt's episode and Rebecca's.
Okay, yeah, no.
That's how it works...
Kind of a surprise, but it's good to know.
That's how it works. It's collaborative.
[Susan clears throat]
I don't know, Bertie. I don't think this is gonna work.
Bertie: Don't worry, Mickey. We'll find Grandpa.
Mickey: Um, my cat's missing. I don't know if you've seen...
Micks, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna go home.
I'll meet you back there?
I'm just gonna stay out here for a bit longer.
Excuse me. Could you not do that to my car?
My cat is missing. Have you seen it?
Is this your cat?
Wow. Looks like every f*cking cat I've ever seen.
This is useless.
This cat literally has no distinguishing features.
You might as well have put the word "cat" on a piece of paper.
Well... okay, f*ckin' what would you do in my situation?
Oh, I don't know.
Check out the animal shelter?
Which animal shelter?
Uh, it's a block and a half away, around the corner.
That's the first thing you should've done.
Then I'll go there now.
Thank you very much.
You're very welcome. Better hurry. It's a kill shelter.
Kill shelter? What's that mean?
What does it sound like? Jesus, you're the most clueless pet owner I've ever known.
No wonder the f*cking thing ran away.
Did you remember to give it a thing called "cat food"?
Yes, sir, I did.
Hurry up, they're gonna kill Grandpa.
Running, you ass!
Look, he can't just murder people with a gun, okay? That's f*cking boring.
What if the murderer strangles someone?
Ali: Because strangling is scary 'cause it's really personal, 'cause you have to, like, look 'em in the eye when you do it.
Yeah... [stutters] I know, but it needs to be bloodier.
Maybe he, like, sets people on fire?
You know, like... He, like, lights a match and, like, I don't know, I think that could be, like, kind of... [inhales] powerful.
Okay, we don't get many opportunities to go bloody, so let's do it.
What if he stabs his victims, like, with a pen or a writing instrument?
Or a letter opener, if that were his thing?
Gus: Or, uh, maybe it could be, like, he ties people up and dumps gasoline on 'em and sets 'em on fire.
You know, like... [restrained yelling]
Okay, all right, I get it, I get it. We get it.
Gus likes fire. Duly noted.
If we want to make the serial killer a real threat, then it would help if we were to... to off one of our pre-existing characters.
Yeah, yeah. Nothing grabs people's attention like just f*cking Ned Stark-ing a character, right?
So, who could we kill? Uh, maybe Sheriff Buck?
Or Elise? Uh...
Very excited by the idea of killing Elise.
Yeah, I guess... we could kill Heidi's character.
I don't know if that's, like, the number one idea, but...
Yeah, okay, man. We get it.
You don't want us to kill off Heidi's character.
He's having s*x with Heidi.
It's not anything.
Gus: I mean, whatever, I don't care.
You guys... Kill Heidi's character.
Gus: Like, that's a really good idea.
[inhales] So that's the one you're writing down? Okay.
[Susan clears throat]
Uh, yeah, I mean, I just think...
If anything, I like it because it's, you know, at least we're not killing, you know, the sheriff who's, like, a guy and that doesn't make any sense, 'cause the killer kills women, so it'd just be, like, you know, another plot hole of the show.
"Another plot hole"?
I mean, you guys are aware there's, like, so many plot holes.
What are the other plot holes?
Like, if witches get their powers from periods, then, like, why don't they lose their powers when they go menopausal?
Right? [Gus chuckles]
Like, there's no way Grandma Kate still has her powers.
Thank you. I'm so sorry.
I just... I had no idea that our show failed to live up to your standards.
[sighs] I'm just saying, like, we're making a good show, but, you know...
It could be great, right?
That's so... Guys, no, Gus is... That's a good point.
We've been trying to make a mediocre show, so now that we hear that, that's really helpful.
Susan, we should try to make a great show.
Put that idea... Write that idea down.
Wyatt, I didn't mean it that...
Susan: I'm doing my best to try to...
No, I just meant, like...
What, Gus? What?
You know, The Sopranos could have just been a show about mob guys that people forgot, but they made it, like, a piece of art.
And, like, I feel like we're just kind of cashing a paycheck here.
[all mutter and exclaim]
So this is, like, my... I'm sorry. It's just like, I'm passionate about this.
This is my first script and I'm excited, so I wanna do something big and...
Why don't we have, like, a fire?
Like, somebody set on fire. That's, like, big. Or like, set a...
...building on fire or whatever.
Are you typing this?
Wyatt: She knows which ideas to write down. Don't worry about that.
Well, I didn't know she was, like, f*ckin' Siskel and Ebert here, and judging what ideas are good...
Gus, you need to calm down.
Thumbs up, thumbs down.
You're no Siskel. You're no Ebert.
You're getting upset.
She doesn't have to write all the ideas down.
Well, no, but everybody's noticing this, right?
Like, you guys talk and her fingers move and then I start talking, and her fingers, like, become, like... She's, like, paralyzed or something.
It's like, write down my ideas. Can I just...
assistant: No. No.
Wyatt: Gus, dude.
Just let me look.
Susan: What are you doing?
I just wanna look.
What are you doing?
Hands off the computer.
No, I'm not... Just let me...
We're done here.
Let me look.
Cut it out!
Just let me look!
It's my f*cking computer!
Gus: God damn it.
Susan: Okay, hey.
What the f*ck?
It's fine. And she didn't write it, so, you know, I was right.
Susan: Okay, uh, Gus.
Gus: I'm sorry.
That landed harder than I thought it would.
Susan: Gus, outside right now.
Okay, I know that was inappropriate.
Fired how? Like, as the tutor or as, like, a writer or...
Oh, as a writer, immediately. As a tutor, your last day is Friday.
So I'm fired, but then I just have to, like, stick around for the rest of the week?
Yes. I can't find a replacement on such short notice.
You f*cked this up, Gus. Not me.
You know what? f*ck you.
This place is toxic.
[dogs barking in distance]
Hey. Hi, I'm looking for my cat.
All right, when did it go missing?
It's not an "it." It's a boy.
It's Grandpa, and it's... I don't know. It's been, like, a day or two, or...
Oh, no, we haven't had a cat like that come in here yet.
Well, how do you know? Maybe you killed it already.
I know what you do.
This is a kill shelter. You kill cats.
No, ma'am, this is an open admission shelter.
Without us, there'd be lots of pets roaming around in the streets, getting hit by cars and starving to death.
We save thousands of animals every year.
Yeah, well, how many do you put in the incinerator?
We don't have an incinerator.
We don't even...
Well, you must kill 'em somehow!
You must burn 'em, right?
How do you get rid of all their little bodies?
Where do you put 'em all after you kill 'em?
Do you bury them in a pit back there?
No, we don't... We don't burn them. We don't have an incinerator.
We don't even have Wi-Fi.
Then how do you kill 'em?
We don't kill them. Well...
Yes, you do kill them!
Yes, uh, once in a while... Sometime... Look, we're just a charity, all right?
And we only exist because people like you lose their pets all the time.
I'm taking care of 85 animals by myself right now because you can't take care of one.
Am I a horrible person?
Compared to me, yes.
No, I just got fired.
You should be happy.
You don't have to deal with me anymore, right?
Hey, you wouldn't understand, all right?
It's, like, a grown-up thing.
Yeah, I would. Just tell me.
I stood up for myself and the integrity of myself as an artist, and Susan Cheryl, who's a f*cking hack and a f*cking asshole, couldn't deal with it.
Okay? So that's what happened to me.
She has a lot of insecurities. When she gets triggered, she lashes out.
She'll change her mind, I promise.
Oh, my God. No, she won't, Arya. She's not gonna change her mind.
Yes, she will. We're a family.
Arya, I don't know how to say this, but we are not a family, okay?
This, everything here, is a business.
So as soon as the ratings go down, or the show gets canceled, everybody's goin' their separate ways, okay?
Nobody's staying together. Nobody's emailing or texting, okay?
Nobody's friends here. Nobody loves each other here, okay?
So you're just leaving?
Friday's my last day, Arya.
We'll still be friends, right?
You know, I don't think so. I don't think so.
Because you're 12 years old, Arya, and I'm 31 years old.
A grown adult man doesn't just, you know, go out, hangin' with a young, pre-pubescent girl, okay?
I'm not Woody Allen, all right? I don't hang out with people who are one-sixteenth my age, okay?
I'm not your teacher anymore, so I can't be your friend.
Evan: Ooh, excuse me. One sec, guys.
Dead man walkin'.
When he gets in there, say, "Dead man walkin'."
[sighs] Come on, let's go, people.
Evan: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have a live flame coming.
That means I need everyone to stay three, three feet away from the pentagram.
Thank you. Let's go ahead and cue the flame, please.
All right, rolling rolling.
Let's settle, people.
Fear not the dead, dear cousin.
They bring us secrets from the world beyond.
[whispering] Why the f*ck isn't she saying anything?
[loudly] The line is, "But are you sure we have the power to control them?"
I know the goddamn line.
Yeah, cut, cut. The timing's off anyway. Jesus.
I need to speak with you.
Gus, too. Now.
You're in huge trouble.
I'm already fired.
Copy that, standing by.
I'm not working until you re-hire Gus.
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
He's my tutor! He's responsible for my education.
He's been acting out and misbehaving in ways that we cannot allow.
Well, that's because you made him a writer.
Why did you do that?
Every time he makes a comment on the show, it's completely wrong!
He just doesn't understand the campy quality of the show.
I agree, Arya. But it's not your decision, okay? It's done.
If he's not here on Monday, I'm not going into makeup.
Yes, you are because you are under contract.
I'm 12. My contract means sh1t.
It actually does mean sh1t, okay?
Because if you quit here, you won't be able to work anywhere else for two years.
I don't wanna work here. I don't wanna work anywhere.
I just wanna raise show dogs.
Copy that. Susan, we are fighting the clock big time.
Fine. Fine. Okay? Gus can stay on. Okay? Are you happy?
[sighs] f*ckin' Gus, man.
Way to get a child to fight your battles for you.
Hey, I didn't ask her...
You're a c**t, man.
I'm a c**t? I... I didn't ask her to do this.
Susan: Shut the f*ck up, guys. Let's go.
"Our fantasies or the objects of our sexual obsession often render us immobile."
Boy, don't I know that. [chuckles]
So, okay, my bottom.
I guess it was when my boss put his hand on my thigh, which I interpreted as, "Let's get married."
woman: My qualifier is my cousin.
We always had this little flirty thing since we were kids, but, you know, we'd never act on it... until we did.
We had s*x the night before his wedding.
And he's not, like, my fifth cousin. He's my first cousin.
[sighs] I know that's f*cked up. Sorry.
Hi. Waverly, love and s*x addict.
all: Hi, Waverly.
I was fat and ugly in high school.
I'm not being hard on myself, trust me.
I wore sweatpants every day because that is all I could fit into.
I knew I wanted a divorce three years before I asked her for one.
What can I say? I was scared.
I... don't wanna die alone. [sighs]
All I wanted my whole life was to find a man who would love me, because I thought that was gonna make me happy.
Because at the end of the day, I was still that 12-year-old girl who felt like she was gonna die because she really wanted a boyfriend and couldn't get one.
Anyway... tonight I am celebrating one year as a single woman.
woman 2: Great.
Waverly: Thank you.
Which is something I never thought I could do, nor did I want to.
I spent my whole life trying to avoid being alone because I was terrified.
But after this experience, it's like, this rules.
Not only did I not die from loneliness like I thought I would, I never even really felt alone, probably because you guys were forcing me to hang out with you.
I mean, at least you got your tutoring job back. That's good.
Yeah, it's just, like, you know, in the most emasculating way possible.
Having a child save your job, you know?
It's a little rough.
I don't know, just, like...
I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Like, I got to go on set now and, like, face those writers after I ate sh1t in front of them. It's f*cking humiliating.
Okay, okay, listen, you gotta turn this around, okay?
It is not that bad. We are young, we are sexy, we are healthy.
And we're not in, like, f*cking Pakistan, starving to death, you know?
I try to...
[cell phone vibrating]
Ooh! It's Susan Cheryl.
Hold on. Give me a second.
Hi, Susan. Hi, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I got time.
Oh, my God.
Did I... Did I do something? Was it me?
No, no, it was an honor working with you, too. I really...
I... I'm sure we will cross paths again.
[sighs] They just killed me off the show.
What? They did?
Yeah, they did.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's just kind of, like, bad timing, 'cause I... I just signed a lease for, like, a year at this really nice apartment, and, yeah, I turned down this role in a Liam Neeson movie because it conflicted with the Witchita schedules.
I'm gonna get it back. I'm gonna get it back.
It's just, um, you know, I gotta...
...talk to all my agents and all that stuff.
It's, like, a lot of... Ugh. [chuckles]
Right. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I was just really, like, counting on that income right now.
I bet. Ugh, Jesus, I'm so sorry.
I just want you to know, in the interest of, like, full disclosure or whatever, you know, I was in the room when that happened, but I didn't, like...
I wasn't the one who originally... pitched killing you off or anything.
It's okay, I know that you don't actually have any say in what happens with the script, okay?
Oh. Really, like, no say?
I dunno. I'm still getting like, "story by" and stuff, so... Jesus.
It's not like we're married. I don't need you, like, in the room, defending my honor and protecting my character, okay?
Yeah, I know, and I don't think we're married.
I never said that we were married.
I'm not saying that's what you said, but that's good that you know that...
...because this is just a set crush, is what this is.
You're aware of that, right?
Yeah. I mean, I guess I was, always.
Like, clearly this was never about... two people who actually care about each other.
I think that was always obvious to us both...
And I mean, since I'm not gonna be on the set past this f*cking week, then I think that maybe we should just, you know... [smacks lips]
Call it like it is. Right?
Call it quits. Yeah.
I get it.
I feel good about that.
That seems to be the... All right, well, I'm gonna go then, because...
[sighs] I'm not trying to be an asshole, I just...
This is gonna be super f*cking awkward dinner...
...and I don't wanna have to, like, deal with it, yeah.
No, you know what?
I don't wanna stay here. I'm not staying here.
Well, you... We can't both... Okay, you go first.
Ah, I guess...
Good luck? Bye? I don't know, okay.
It's "break a leg."
Break a leg?
[door unlocking and opening]
Look who came back. It's a miracle.
Welcome home, my precious baby doll.
I can't believe he's all right.
Grampsy, we love you, little boy.
Do you wanna...
No, I'm just gonna go sit in my room for a minute.
[moaning] Nothing. sh1t.
[mellow song playing]
[camera shutter clicking]
[chuckling] Having a party?
No, this is all for me.
I had a shitty day today, so...
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Yup.
Just gonna go home and go into a food coma, you know?
Oh, isn't that the best?
I mean, girls do it all the time, right?
[chuckling] Right. Why can't we?
[car door closing]
Mickey: Hey, Gus.
I saw your Instagram and I figured you might come here, so I...
I'm, um... I just wanted to say...
Jesus, Mickey, come on...
Just, I just want to apologize to you 'cause I know I f*cked everything up and I'm really sorry and I haven't been honest with you.
There's a lot of stuff that I didn't tell you about myself, um...
I'm an addict.
I'm, uh... I'm a drug addict and I'm an alcoholic and I'm a s*x and love addict and I...
I think I need to just be by myself for maybe, like, a year and try and figure this sh1t out, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry to you because you were a great guy and I really had such a good time with you and maybe in a year, if you're willing, I would love to get maybe a coffee with you and...
[upbeat music playing]