01x07 - Ramona's Not-So-Epic Party

[bunniefuu]

Kimberlina, feast your eyes upon the most beautiful ice cream cake for our most beautiful daughter.

Who is Father Flanagan and why is he on Ramona's cake?

Oh, boy.

So when you told me to check the cake, you meant I should actually check the cake?

Hey, guys.

There's my birthday girl!

I can't believe my baby is officially a teenager.

Everything is really gonna change.

Can I go to an R-rated movie?

No.

Can I go to a concert on my own?

No.

Then what's the big change?

I'm the mother of a teenager!

I need to do something big to celebrate.

How about a tattoo, like the Chinese symbol for love?

Yeah, that sounds good, until you find out it actually means pork fried rice.

For the 1,000th time... this was not a mistake.

Do I or do I not love pork fried rice?

[unintelligible bickering]

Guys! Please! Today is my birthday.

And all I want is for you to get along. Just for one day.

Honey, that's no problem. Right, Fernando?

I vow on my life and everything I hold sacred that I will cause no drama!

Starting now because that was very dramatic.

Here. Why don't you open one of your presents?

It might be something for your party tonight.

[gasps] It's the Jeffrey Campbells I wanted!

Thank you, Mom! Thank you, Papa!

And most of all, thank you, Jeffrey Campbell!

We did good, didn't we, honey?

Yes, we did, baby.

Look at us getting along. See, Ramona?

You can take your hand off my butt now.

[both gasp]

Oh, look! Our teenager's first steps!

You can do it, baby, you can do it. Don't look down!

Yes! Oh, yes, you did it.

Oh, good girl!

Hey, Deej.

Hey, Steve.

I'm here to pick up Comet Jr. Jr.

Let me tell you, I was so lonely last night in that big old bed all by myself.

I'm envious of that empty bed.

Last night, Max, Tommy and Cosmo crawled in with me. And Kimmy.

She really doesn't like lightning.

That was actually just kind of a hint that I'm not dating anyone.

Don't feel bad. Neither am I.

You know, why don't we go out to dinner sometime and talk about us not dating anyone?

Well, as long as it's not an official date and there's no pressure, that'd be fun.

Well, I look forward to not dating you.

It's a date, to not date.

Comet Jr. Jr. is ready ready!

Steve: Oh, sweetheart!

Hey, what happened to Dr. Harmon?

I am Dr. Harmon.

No, no, I mean the older, shorter, less-ruggedly-handsome Dr. Harmon.

That's his father. Matt's filling in while he's on vacation.

Hi, I'm Matt.

I'm Steve.

You're just working here with D.J. temporarily, right?

Well, that was the plan, but I'm really starting to like San Francisco, so...

Well, your wife must miss you, though.

I don't have a wife.

Oh. Then your husband must miss you.

Nope. Straight and single.

Can we stop shaking hands now?

Wow, okay. So D.J.'s working with a good-looking, single, straight guy. Great!

We gotta fix you up. You know, you need a good woman.

You need a hot woman. You need Kimmy Gibbler!

Oh, good idea. She's my best friend.

A lot of fun.

Classic girl next door.

You're welcome. Invite me to the wedding. See you, guys.

Bye.

You know, it's not a bad idea.

We're actually throwing a party tonight for Kimmy's daughter.

Come by, if you want. There'll be wine.

Oh. Drinking with other people? That's a refreshing change of pace.

[laughing]

What are you guys laughing about? Is the Kimmy thing still on?

I'm not sure why I'm making this place spotless before 20 teenagers show up and undo everything I just did.

Oh, wait. I do know why.

So I got good news and bad news.

The good news is I finally got Cosmo to poop outside.

The bad news is it was outside my bedroom.

[sighs] Max, these accidents really have got to stop.

Oh, I'm not sure it was an accident.

He was looking right at me with a big smile when he did it.

Hey! How was the birthday shopping spree?

Amazing. I got my first designer dress for the party.

It's an Elizabeth and James by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

At these prices, no wonder they don't need to act anymore.

Papa, you're doing my hair later?

I want keratin treatment, extensions, curls, highlights, volumizer.

In other words, the Full Fernando.

I keep forgetting you did hair.

Yes, before I was in the dangerous world of auto racing, I was in the even more dangerous world of women's hairdressing.

That's how we met.

Yes, Kimberlina wanted to be a dirty blonde and I happily obliged.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Wow! They're not kidding when they say this stuff attracts women!

[gasps] I could smell you from the kitchen.

It's my own unique body spray combo of Dark Temptation and Excite.

Is this new smell cloud and look Lola-related?

Yeah, she's coming to Ramona's party.

Figured I'd make my move.

Mind if I make a couple tweaks?

Sure.

Okay.

Uh... Well, let's lose the glasses 'cause it's night.

Makes sense.

And, uh, you know, maybe the hat 'cause you've got a great head of hair.

It is one of my top three features.

Mm-hmm.

And it's too warm for a jacket, so that needs to come off.

Alright.

And I'm not gonna sugar-coat this. I've seen nicer chains on snow tires.

Perfect!

But now I'm just me.

Exactly! And that's what Lola's gonna like.

If she doesn't like "just you," tons of other girls out there will.

Have some faith in your swagger.

Got a can of Swagger right here!

No, no, no, no!

Okay, Cosmo.

Mom says you gotta stop going in the house, but I have a better idea.

Your very own potty trainer!

It worked for me and it can work for you.

Now just relax. Pretend I'm not here.

You want a magazine or something?

I present to you the fabulous Ramona.

Hair by Fernando.

Yeah, yeah! You look awesome!

Doesn't she look awesome? Mom, can I go now?

Yes. Thank you for pretending to care.

You really do look beautiful.

Thank you.

The hair's a little much.

You may leave too!

This day has been so great already. Feels like we're a real family again.

Especially when we got the family meal deal at Pizza Hut.

Nothing says "family" like pizza with wieners hiding in the crust.

Let's get some pictures.

Yes!

Here, Stephanie.

Oh. I'm the official Gibbler family photographer.

Okay. Well, everybody smile.

Alright, give me some pouty lips.

Not you, Fernando!

[doorbell ringing]

Here we go.

Hey, Matt.

Hi, D.J.

I brought some Hawaiian Punch for the little kids and some tequila for the big kids.

I'm so glad you came by. That's my friend Kimmy Gibbler.

The one taking the picture?

No, the one getting her picture taken.

She certainly looks taken.

She's unattached.

Matt: She certainly looks attached.

That's her soon-to-be ex-husband. He's out of the picture.

Matt: He certainly looks in the picture.

I could do this all day.

[sighs] Wow! This place looks amazing.

I'm gonna hire Gibbler Style Party Planning for my party-planning needs.

Kimmy: Thanks, Lola.

This will look great on my website.

There's Lola. Oh, what should I say to her?

Girls love compliments. Tell her you love her hair and she has beautiful eyes.

Ah. I'm all over that.

Hey.

Hey.

You have beautiful hairy eyes.

Nailed it!

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Ramona's epic 13th birthday party!

[whooping and cheering]

We've paid off the cops. We've warned the neighbors.

The only thing left is to ask you guys the most important question: y'all ready for this?

[cheering]

[music plays, then cuts out]

[groaning]

Uh... [chuckles] Well, it looks like our electrical panel wasn't ready for this.

[stammers]

Little glitch, party people. In the meantime, let's keep this party going!

Here we go! We've got music! Alright!

Oh, yeah!

[tinny music playing over phone]

[phone ringing]

Hold on. I gotta take this.

Hello?

No, you know, I'm not that happy with my long-distance service.

Well, Cosmo, the power's out.

Don't be scared. It's probably nothing.

Or it's the zombie apocalypse.

Since the world's ending, you can poop and pee wherever you want.

Halt! State your name!

It's Mommy and Tommy. We just blew a fuse.

How do I know you're my mom and not a zombie?

This is why I don't want you watching scary movies.

You seem to be avoiding the zombie question.

Max, I am not a zombie.

Okay, but what about that baby?

He's got the blank stare and the drool.

Classic zombie.

We're gonna have the power back on as soon as possible, everyone.

Oh! In the meantime, how about we have a piece of birthday ice cream cake?

Um... Well, make that birthday ice cream soup.

Here. Alright, who's thirsty for a cup of birthday cake?

Yeah, that's delicious.

Here, it looks great, right? Right? Delicious, no?

Stephanie, help!

I just got two texts about how lame my party is from people who aren't even here.

I know what to do.

You guys, come on. You don't need electricity to have fun!

When I was your age, we would've loved for the power to go out.

Okay, everybody, pair up and make out!

Nobody pair up! Nobody make out!

This is not as epic as I hoped.

I know!

Who wants to hear a ghost story?

Yeah? Okay.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The wind was whistling through the bare tree branches.

[makes ghostly noises]

And suddenly, there was a clap of thunder.

[yells]

Then what happened?

That's all I got. I really was hoping the power would be on by now.

Since Fernando's with the electrician, this is a good time to meet Dr. Matt Harmon.

Matt, Kimmy.

Pleasure to meet you.

[choking]

Either you're playing charades or you're choking to death.

She's choking on a mini corn dog!

You're choking on a meatball?

Okay, let me try to help.

I told you it was a mini corn dog.

[gasps] You saved my life! Thank you!

The electrician said that... What is this?!

Fernando, it's not what you think.

I think a tall handsome man was hugging my wife.

She was just...

I challenge you.

To a dish wash?

He was saving my life.

I was choking.

My mistake.

Thank you! Thank you for saving the life of my beloved!

I'm gonna go.

I am sorry tonight was so weird.

Why would you say it's weird?

Just because I got slapped and kissed by the same man?

[chuckles]

You're pretty funny when you've got some tequila in you.

You're pretty cute when I've had some tequila in me.

I mean, not that I don't always think that you're cute or...

I'm gonna go before I speak again.

See you Monday. We're neutering a border collie.

I can't wait.

Did you love Kimmy? She's great, right?

Come on. I'll walk you to your car and make sure you leave.

I said I was sorry. Three times.

If I say it again, it starts to lose sincerity.

This is so like you, Fernando. You fly off the handle at the smallest things!

I can't help it! I'm very possessive of the things I possess.

You don't possess me. This is why you never will!

Fernando: Stop talking like that!

Great.

My party completely sucks and you guys couldn't even get along for one day.

Kimmy: Ramona!

Honey!

Honey.

I'm so sorry you had to see us argue.

You promised me you would get along.

It was all my fault.

I slapped a strange man with a rubber glove.

I would like to say it will never happen again, but that's what I said the last time it happened.

I'm so stupid.

I actually got my hopes up that we'd be a family again, like we used to be.

Ramona, it can't be the same since your papa and I are no longer together.

But we're still your family.

We both love you so much.

But you guys almost got along for a whole day.

It was so nice. Why can't it be like that all the time?

Honey... there are some people who love each other, but aren't meant to live together.

But no matter what happens between us, we will always be your parents.

And we're always going to be here for you.

You promise?

Of course. And that's a promise I can keep.

Unlike the whole rubber glove business.

Well, thanks for trying.

It was almost a perfect day.

Well, the day's not over.

Get back down there. Have fun. Your friends are waiting.

Nah, the party was a dud.

They probably all went home by now.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Ramona ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[whooping and cheering]

You guys! Thanks for not bailing.

We're here for you, not for the party.

But you might wanna stay off Instagram for a day or two.

Make a wish. Blow out the candles.

[cheering]

Did you wish for the power to come back on?

No. I wished for something else.

Alright. Let's get this party restarted!

[cheering]

Alright, take two. Y'all ready for this?

[whooping and cheering]

[pop music playing]

[shrieking]

Hey, uh... Do you wanna dance?

I'm already dancing.

Uh, okay. Can I dance next to you?

I guess.

That's how you do it.

So are you telling me no one here is a zombie?

D.J.: No.

Max: What about Jackson?

Okay, he might be part-zombie.

Ugh. Stationery. Who gives stationery?

My mother.

That's her go-to gift since she was fired from the stationery store for stealing all the stationery.

I'll use them to write thank-you notes and send them in the actual mail.

It's gonna be so retro!

Thank you.

Love you.

[speaks Spanish]

[speaks Spanish]

The one good thing we did in this world was that kid.

Ramona and you are the loves of my life.

That's the one thing I don't question.

I admit... I have my faults. And I make mistakes.

But I'm really, really, really trying to be a better man for Ramona.

And for you.

I know. And I appreciate that.

Hug?

How about a high-five?

Hmm...

What did I just do?

And why did I do it?

And why did it feel so good?

[dog yapping]

Max, you're here.

Did you see anything you weren't supposed to see?

No. Just you two making out.

For, like, a really long time.

Max, I don't want Ramona or anyone else to find out about this, so you have to keep this a secret.

Oh. I am terrible at keeping secrets.

I hide all my Halloween candy in my closet.

Why would I tell you that?

Because I'm terrible at keeping secrets.

Look, if anybody asks any questions, you say nothing.

I can do that.

Hey, what's up?

both: Nothing!

What's going on with Max?

Nothing!

What just happened?

[dog barking]