01x12 - The Real Rules

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: If life was fair, today would be the last day of school, but because Chicago had six snow days and our school adds those on the end of the year, it is the sixth-to-the-last day of school.

[Sighs] What is happening?

Is the A.C. not working?

Why are you wearing a sweater?

Because it completes the look, and I'm not willing to give that up just because Mom and Dad won't fix the air conditioner!

Ugh. I can't believe we have to take the finals in this heat.

And Irish people do not handle heat attractively.

[Groans]

I blame the heat on all the climate deniers in the government.

Is there any chance that school would cancel finals this year because it's so hot?

The school might, but Mom wouldn't let them.

Whew.

Brain smoothie for you. Brain smoothie for you.

And before you ask, Jimmy, no, it is not made of brains.

[Sighs]

I got to absorb as much cool as possible before I go.

I might put this chicken in my unders.

Mom, can we please, please take a break from studying after school and go to the lake?

Absolutely not. You're on lockdown all weekend.

You kids are gonna turn any minuses into pluses.

Not the way Jimmy does it... with a pen.

Morning, guys.

[Fabric creaking]

Shannon: Is Dad wearing skinny jeans?

Kenny: Should we say something?

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, Dad.

Mm?

Could we please try and convince Mom to let us have the afternoon off from studying for finals?

Um, sorry, kids.

Your mom and I are on the same page on this one.

[Fabric creaking]

Hey, can I get that for you?

Yes, please.

Do I still have to study?

Give me the damn bagel.

[Growls]

Hey, while I've got you... this door is swollen from the heat, and it keeps sticking.

Mm-hmm.

Could you take a break from sweating, try and fix it?

Hey, we can't all will our bodies not to sweat, like you.

Can't or won't?

Look, I'll look at the door, but [Clears throat] I need to talk to you.

Is it about your silly jeans?

Styles have changed, Eileen.

Okay.

Anyway, uh, I sorta, kinda... [Clears throat] am having a beverage...

Mm. with someone that I work with...

Mm. who is not a man.

Hence the jeans.

Oh.

Well, um...

Okay. That's fine.

Mm.

Is this like when you said you were fine with me getting a motorcycle, and then I came home and it had turned into a minivan?

I don't think so.

It's time for us to start moving on.

Okay, well, that's... that's great.

I'm really relieved.

But just so you know, I'm not making waffles for any visiting tramps who don't eat carbs anyway.

Fine.

Um, and while we're making rules, um...

Let's not date anybody the other person knows.

Also, we can't introduce anyone to the kids until we tell each other about it first.

Good idea.

And, uh...

One last thing.

Hm.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I been wondering when we were gonna get around to this.

I didn't want to be first, but it's time.

Maybe we should do it together.

Okay.

Yeah.

Really on there.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

[Grunts] It's the heat, you know.

That under my wedding weight.

Me too.

[Grunts] Here, why don't you, and I'll...

Yeah.

Okay. Good idea.

If it had been this hard to get my pants off, we wouldn't be here.

[Grunts]

Okay, so, Pat has a date, but I think before you get jealous, we should set up an online profile for you.

I've always wanted to try Farmersmainly.com.

Strong man with callused hands...

Yes, please!

I don't want what you want, Jodi.

But we're so similar.

This may surprise you, but I'm happy having my own space, my own time, my own callused hands.

I installed that ceiling fan by myself... with Chinese instructions.

But don't you yearn for human contact?

I don't even want to be having this conversation with you right now.

[Telephone rings]

Mm.

[Telephone beeps]

[Clears throat] Hello.

Hi, Mrs. O'Neal. This is Vice Principal Murray.

I'm calling about your daughter.

Ohh, no. What did Shannon do now?

Well, I think it'd be best for you to come and speak in person.

The students are furious school isn't over yet, and it's... it's not safe for me to leave until the sun goes down.

Fine. I'll... I'll be right there.

[Groans]

[Telephone beeps]

Jodi, I'm sorry. I've got to go.

Okay, one question.

Do you know how to or would you be willing to learn how to use a tractor?

I said no!

[Gasps]

This guy's part-time rodeo clown, full-time hottie.

Girl: I know you're in there, Murray.

Stay away from my car!

[Knock on door]

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Uh, Mrs. O'Neal.

Come in. [Sighs]

Are you okay?

Okay? Am I okay?

Well, the extra week of school means I'm not on my biking tour through the wine country of Wisconsin, so that's not okay.

I...Thought you called me here to talk about Shannon.

Yeah, Shannon... she went on our prom website and bought up every single ticket, which she is now selling back to the students at a huge markup.

She also changed the password to the website.

Or else I've forgotten it.

Either way, it's frustrating.

Did you stipulate that students were only allowed to buy a certain number of tickets to the prom?

I did not.

Can you tell me, then, what Shannon is being punished for?

I... cannot.

Then what am I doing here?

Because she's your child!

And I'm supposed to be meeting like-minded singles in the Tuscany of the midwest!

No one calls Wisconsin that.

Tell that to the brochure from door county!

I already cut the tags off my outfit.

Where else am I gonna wear that?!

What a relief to leave the hot and stifling school and enter this hot and stifling house.

Hey, guys, look at my chest.

I'm sweating in the shape of Jesus.

Uggh.

I don't understand why we have to study on Friday.

We should do something fun and study later... like.. on Sunday.

Oh. Jimmy...

Or Monday, on the bus.

Guys, there is no use in complaining.

We are on lockdown.

Mom has already started making those gross Kale chips.

Where is Mom?

I don't know.

There's Dad's wallet.

Dad! Are you home?

Dad?!

He's not here, and his badge is.

Why would Dad have left this? He never leaves it.

[Groans]

Oh, god. So late.

Okay, come on. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

[Sighs]

Why am I sweating so much?

Go on a date with chicken in my unders?

[Sighs]

No.

And the minivan's gone, too.

You know what this means?

They've been m*rder*d.

Well... Probably not.

But if they were, shouldn't we have some fun before we find out?

She's right.

We can't waste this opportunity.

Think of all the free stuff cops get for flashing their badges.

No! No way.

Jimmy, impersonating a cop is, like, a felony.

Busted!

You're under arrest for being an old lady impersonating a teenage boy.

What if Mom and Dad come home and we're not here studying?

They'll be so happy they're not m*rder*d, they won't be mad at us.

That brain food's working, Jimmy.

Yep.

No!

We are not running around like tiny cops!

Oh, come on, Kenny.

I'm your brother, and it is my duty to get you on board.

This is our key to the city.

So just think as big as you can.

[Big-band music plays]

We were young and beautiful, and the city was ours.

Bon appétit.

We were living the high life, and nothing was gonna stop us.

[Laughs]

Aww.

Man: There you are. Enjoy.

[Glasses clink]

Welcome to Lenny's, home of the world-famous lightly browned toast.

Well, I imagined it a little differently, but... this works.

Officer Patrick O'Neal.

Cop... at your service.

We're here to protect, serve...

And eat free nachos.

Together: [Chanting] Nachos, nachos, nachos...

All right, kids. Calm down.

[Laughs]

Have you been single long?

Feels like so long.

Yeah.

Divorces are rough.

Yeah.

They're not as glamorous as they make them seem in those Nancy Meyers movies.

[Chuckles]

Last time I got a haircut, I kept leaning my face into the girl's arm, like a cat.

Ohh. Yeah.

She may not cut your hair again.

Yeah, that was the impression I got.

Yeah.

Well, I understand it, though.

I do.

And I don't usually admit this, but...

Sometimes I think...

It's nice to get a little... human contact.

Yeah.

[Inhales deeply]

[Chuckles]

[Clears throat]

[Both breathing heavily]

Oh!

Uh...

I'm gonna go call Shannon.

Uh, that'd be good.

O-kay.

Hey, it's me!

I left my laptop, and I want to see if any hot farmers branded me.

[Eileen sobbing]

Oh. Eileen.

You're in a shame ball. I know that shape.

What happened?

I did something... to my kids' vice principal.

Oh, my god, Eileen. You k*lled him.

No, I didn't k*ll him!

I kissed him.

Oh! That is so much more shocking.

I know!

And it was really good.

Yeah.

But I'm not even attracted to him.

Oh, god. Why did I do this?

Is it because Pat went on a date?

And you say I always ask the dumb questions?

Oh, god.

This is terrible.

He's responsible for my children's education.

I'm going to have to see him again.

[Sighs]

Could this affect their grades?

Ugh! What have I done with my mouth?

This is why farmers' lives are simpler... because they live, like, acres and acres away from each other.

I'm gonna have to talk to him and tell him this kiss was a mistake.

My hands are still so shaky from the shame.

Come on. You're gonna have to drive me.

Are you sweating?

I've never seen you sweat.

It started in Vice Principal What's-his-name's office, and it hasn't stopped.

It's only coming from my elbow pits.

Well, your body's really abandoned you today.

Gloria: No, I know.

That's actually not true.

Oh, really?

Thanks.

Here you go, sport.

Um... I expected something just a bit more manlier when I ordered the Miami Vice.

[Laughs]

Well, it's so tiny that it makes you look bigger, so that's manly.

Want to start a tab?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, my god. I forgot my wallet.

[Slaps legs]

It's 'cause I couldn't fit it in these stupid skinny jeans, and then I was sweating, and I went in the freezer, and I was gonna put a frozen chicken in my underpants and... my brain's telling me to keep going, but your face is telling me to stop.

You should probably listen to my face.

Yep.

I don't mind paying.

[Groans]

How much?

Yours is $5, and his is $16.

[Slurping]

And they said they couldn't turn cheesecake into a shake.

You know what... you should put this on the menu and name it after me.

Can I get you anything else?

Actually, yes.

I, uh, I believe we're ready for dessert.

We'll have three of your favorites.

Whatever the chef feels is the most inspired today.

Everything's pretty inspiring here.

Also, you don't need to show your badge every time you order.

Oh. He's just very proud of his chosen career.

Well, listen. It's not about being proud.

It's about getting out there and trying to make a difference.

Mm.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

Am I proud of the badge?

[Chuckles] You bet your ass...

Sorry. My French... uh, I am.

But what I'm more proud of is how many criminals tell me every day, Mnh-mnh.

"we would be doing so much more crime Mnh-mnh. if it weren't for you."

Shh!

Mnh-mnh!

That's really why we do it.

Exactly. [Chuckles]

[Police radio chatter]

Oh, no.

Please tell the chef we'll be skipping dessert.

And they thought today was their last day of school, but it's not, with all these snow days, so it just became this whole kerfuffle.

I love a man who says "kerfuffle" while holding a drink for a mouse.

[Laughs]

Why don't we do this... why don't we just leave here?

We'll go back to my place, get my wallet, and we'll go on a little Pat-sponsored dinner.

That works.

Yeah? Great.

[Cellphone rings]

That's weird. It's a Chicago P.D. number.

So sorry. Hang on.

Hello?

Hey, Pat, it's Golaski.

I'm here at Lenny's with your three beautiful children, who used your badge to get a tremendous amount of free food.

What?!

Uh...

Okay.

Um, I'm so sorry about this.

I-I'll be right down there.

[Cellphone beeps]

[Sighs]

Well, my kids have decided to impersonate an officer at Lenny's all-night diner.

That's their big move?

Why wouldn't they go buy booze?

Well, my kids are a bunch of weirdos.

Hey, Gloria. You work in the crime-scene photo lab, right?

Yeah.

What's the most gruesome thing you've ever laid your eyes on?

Don't answer that.

And really, you can just pretend like they're not even here.

You are not meeting them.

[Scoffs] Are you ashamed of us?

Tonight, yes.

You guys are in a lot of trouble, you know.

Impersonating a cop is a felony.

I s... I knew that. I said that. I said that.

And yet here you are.

I'm not gonna punish you in front of Gloria.

In fact, as far as I'm concerned, you have never even met her.

Dad, we get that you're on a date.

Wait... what?

Nobody should be talking!

[Sighs]

This actually is my first date in 18 1/2 years.

You don't say.

Yeah.

Listen, I'm so sorry.

If it's okay with you, can I just go on and take you home now?

We'll do dinner another night. I promise.

But I just... I really feel like I need to get inside and deal with these highly unambitious criminals.

Yeah, it's fine.

Uh, but I don't think I can make it all the way home.

Can I, uh, run inside and use your restroom real quick?

Ohhh...

Well...

See, I'm not really supposed to have girls in the house.

Oh, dear.

Oh! Rough.

Seriously?

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

We can do that. We can do that.

Just do it superduper quick.

And maybe... Don't even wash your hands.

[Knock on door]

Hi again.

Oh. Hi. You're back.

Uh... Come in.

O...kay.

So...

[Chuckles]

Um, I just wanted to apologize.

You see, my ex is going on a date tonight... his first.

So I think I was just feeling jealous, and... I acted out.

Well... okay. [Chuckles]

I've certainly been there.

But, then, why would I kiss you?

Because you like me.

[Chuckling] Oh, no.

No, that is definitely not it.

Yeah.

I think it is.

No, I really... I really think it's not.

What are you doing?

What are you wearing?

[Both breathing heavily]

Oh!

[Sighs]

Is that Wisconsin rosé?

From the Kickapoo terroir region.

Mm. Yeah.

Well, uh...

Um...

I got to go.

Now.

Eileen?

Hello?

Anybody home?

Okay. Think we're clear.

Let's move. Let's move!

Love a date that feels like a drug bust.

I'm so sorry about this.

Here we go... right here.

Okay.

Just make yourself at home. Just real, real quick.

[Exhales sharply]

Okay, Dad, I know we're in trouble, so I should keep this to myself, but you are not k*lling it.

Yes, I know. Thank you.

It's a total disaster.

Everything was going great till you guys got busted.

Dad, be honest... is it serious?

Is she moving into the basement?

Have you guys done tongue stuff?

What?! No.

Oh, man. I've broken so many rules.

You weren't supposed to meet a woman yet, especially one that I barely even know, that's not supposed to be in this house.

[Sighs] I'm a bad divorcer and a bad parent.

Gloria: And a bad date. Don't forget "bad date."

Dad, relax, okay?

You're not a bad parent. We're okay with this.

Mom and Gloria, probably not so much, and, honestly... Maybe not Jimmy.

But Shannon and I are fine.

Okay, look.

She can have you for Thanksgiving, but Christmas... I'm your number-one elf.

Look, we'll talk about all this stuff later!

Right now, I've got to get Gloria out of your mother's bathroom as quickly as possible.

[Water running]

Gloria?

How's it going in there? Is everything coming out okay?

Ha ha.

I was just washing my hands. I'm coming out.

I asked you not to wash your hands, but okay.

[Door thudding]

So... Um...

Of course the... the door's stuck.

Door's been sticking, and I was supposed to fix it.

[Doorknob jostling]

He may be bad at fixing things, but he cooks French toast like an angel!

Gloria: Believe me, I won't be here for breakfast.

[Grunts]

Kenny: Oh, no.

Uh, you might be.

Come on!

[Sighs] Kenny, hand me the Phillips head, please.

[Chuckling] Oh, father.

Do we really need to add my lack of tool knowledge to this day?

Come on!

Gloria: So, you're the gay one.

I think coming out in high school is really brave.

Thank you, Gloria!

I hope the fact that you're bonding with my kids that you weren't supposed to meet means there's hope for a second date.

There won't be a second date.

Oh. Really?

[Groans] Everybody stand back!

Oh. Hang on.

[Groaning] Oy-ah!

Okay.

Hahh!

Wow. That was so badass.

You don't need a man to succeed in life, Shannon.

I didn't think anything could emasculate me more than that tiny pink drink, but... You just did.

I'm sorry, Pat.

You're cute, but I can't really deal with your whole situation.

Oh, I understand. I can't deal with it, either.

I'm taking you home.

[Sighs]

Well, Dad has now dipped his toe into the murky waters of the dating pool.

I guess Mom's next.

I don't want either of them to go swimming.

It's just weird to think of them moving on.

Also, I found Gloria to be a little attractive.

So that was confusing.

I liked her. She was hardcore.

I feel like I could use her on my six if things went dark.

What?

Jimmy, I don't think you have anything to worry about right away.

Dad locked his first date in the bathroom, so...

And Mom doesn't really like people.

If they're ever gonna hook up successfully, they'll probably need our help.

Mom! 'Sup? [Chuckles]

Uh, uh... We're just actually taking a break from studying to talk about...

Uh, math.

Save it, Jimmy.

I know you haven't been studying because you don't have pen all over your face.

And you have a part in your hair.

Anyway...

Shannon, you're grounded for scalping prom tickets.

I'm being punished because I have an entrepreneurial spirit?

Yes.

But you can thank me.

I made a deal with Clive, so you won't be in trouble at school if you return the tickets and then donate the profits to the prom committee.

I'm sorry... who is Clive?

Oh, um...

I meant, uh, Vice Principal Murray.

I know his name... 'cause I'm friendly.

Yeah, I'm a people person. [Chuckles]

Um, the postman's name is Ralph.

The postman's name is Janet.

Well, my nickname for her is Ralph, and she gets it.

So... Get back to your studying.

See?

Ain't nobody gonna date that.

She cray.

[Door closes]

Ahh.

Hey.

Want some?

Sure.

I never turn down a pink drink.

[Liquid pours]

Thanks.

Well...

We said we were gonna tell each other about our dating lives, so...

I... think we spoke too soon about those rules.

Maybe it is better if we don't tell each other everything about our dating lives after all.

Ohhh. Really?

Yes.

Phew.

I get the feeling no matter how hard we try to keep things nice and neat, dating is gonna get... messy.

Oh. [Chuckles]

It's gonna be a disaster.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm! Wisconsin?

Kickapoo.

Nice!

Mm.

Who knocked down the bathroom door?

Huh.

Must have been the heat.

Looks like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

The dead side.

Bom-bom!

m*rder*d by chickens.

Un-clucking-believable.

Bom-bom! [Chuckles]

What in the world are you doing?

I was...

Can't believe after everything that's happened, you haven't even learned your lesson.

Give me those sunglasses.

I'm sorry, Dad.

[Clears throat]

Goes like this.

Looks like he was m*rder*d...

To death.

Bom-bom.