02x05 - The Real Tradition

[bunniefuu]

[Classical music playing ]

Kevin: Thanksgiving has always been my favorite O'Neal family holiday because of our traditions.

♪♪

Traditions like me being Mom's little sous-chef.

[Timer dings]

Traditions like Shannon standing guard until it's time to eat.

Ow!

Traditions like Dad and Jimmy on the couch wearing their lucky jerseys and high-fiving over everything.

[Both cheering]

[Laughs]

And of course our dining table lovingly set by me with all of the wisdom and strength of a post-prison Martha Stewart.

Oh, sorry, Kenny.

We got to put the extra leaf in to make room for Mom and I's plus-ones.

What? You're bringing dates to our family Thanksgiving?

Yeah.

And our newest tradition... doing any [bleep] thing we feel like, apparently.

Why?

Why would you invite dates?

Pat: Listen, I invited Gloria because I knew your mother had invited V.P. Murray.

Ugh. V.P. Murray is such a drip.

Well, that drip is a licensed notary... and our guest.

So you need to be nice to him.

Fine.

I guess if the pilgrims could share food with the Indians, I could share food with him.

Not what happened.

[Door closes]

Jodi: Hello? Anyone home? Little help.

♪♪

Guess who's coming to dinner!

The the cat you share custody of with Uncle Dwayne.

That's right, your cousin, sweet, lovable, ancient Mr. Pickles.

He goes back to Dwayne tomorrow, but I couldn't bear to leave him by himself on the holiday.

[Cat meows]

[Cat growling]

Is he still alive?

Barely. I got more stuff in the car.

So, you guys are bringing dates, and there's a cat fighting for its life in our kitchen.

That's [clears throat] cool.

That's super, super cool.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to continue the prep without me.

What? But we always do this together.

Yes, but V.P. Murray's having Thanksgiving with his mother, and I thought it might be nice to meet the woman who made the man that I'm seeing.

Nice? Is it nice that you're wearing your book-club eye shadow for him?

Yeah, I see it, Mom.

I'm just meeting them for dessert before he comes here.

And luckily, she's one of those insane people who has Thanksgiving dinner at 11:00 a.m.

So I'll be home in plenty of time.

But who's gonna chiffonade the Brussels sprouts with me?

That is a two-person job.

You'll be fine. I won't be long.

Come on, Shannon, grab your coat.

What? Shannon has to go with you?

[Chuckles] That's karma for slapping me.

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Well, you're gonna see her and be her because you're coming, too.

♪♪

Kenny.

I need your advice.

So, I went a little too far on my last date with Gloria with the skinny jeans.

So this time, I decided to play it a little safer, and I got myself a pair of boyfriend jeans in case, you know, she wants me to be her boyfriend.

It's not what that means.

Whatever. It doesn't matter.

Can you just do me a favor and tell me, do they make my butt look good?

I...

As far as I'm concerned, you don't have butt.

[Doorbell rings]

So helpful. Really, thank you.

Hey, Kenny. Happy Thanksgiving.

Hm.

Hey, Gloria. You're early.

By like three hours. [Chuckles]

It's really nice of your family to have me over for dinner.

If Pat hadn't asked, I was just gonna have another orphan Thanksgiving.

Hm, with other friends and co-workers who don't have any family in town.

No, with other adults whose parents are both dead.

Fun story.

[Door slams]

Oh, hey.

Well, hello. [Chuckles]

Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

What... what are you... what are you doing?

What?

What happened to the clothes you had on like 30 seconds ago?

I just wanted to put on something a little more comfortable.

[Sniffing]

Are you wearing cologne?

No. I just got some new soap.

Maybe that's it.

Well, your "soap" smells like cedar with top notes of citrus and cardamom.

♪♪

Eileen.

Hello, Clive.

Hello.

Um, thank you for agreeing to do this.

As I said, Mother's a little prickly, but the good news is she's not going too long between naps, so this should be a short visit.

Just do not bring up the cancellation of "The Mentalist."

We should be fine.

I don't think it'll be a problem.

[Southern accent] I'll just k*ll her with kindness.

Oh, God, she's gone Southern.

Mom, when you go overboard with politeness, you sound like the genteel neighbor in a Tennessee Williams play.

Well, I don't reckon that's true.

Ooh, I find it alluring.

I'll go get Mother.

And I'll plate the pie.

Ugh.

This place gives me the creeps.

I know.

Isn't it wonderful?

Wha... why are you so happy?

I hate that we have to be here.

I hate that Mom is making us hang out with V.P. Murray.

I hate that Mom and Dad aren't together any...

Hey! Do not spin out.

I'm here on a mission... to find awkward childhood photos of V.P. Murray.

I'm gonna blackmail him into giving me free periods and get-out-of-gym passes.

Jackpot.

Forget childhood photos.

I'm getting a strong Norman Bates vibe here.

10 bucks says there is no mother and V.P. Murray comes out wearing a wig and an old-timey dress.

Oh. What a striking woman.

I'm drawn to her, and I don't know why.

[Door opens]

[Clive clears throat]

May I introduce my mother, Victoria Pauline Murray.

[Scoffs] V.P. Murray's mother is also named V.P. Murray.

[Chuckles]

You must be James.

You have a earnest and infectious smile that will serve you well in life.

And you would be Shannon.

Love the glasses. Men love smart women.

You've got the world on a string.

And, um... hm-hm-hm-hm.

Clive, this woman's face reminds me... the weatherman said there's a cold front coming in this weekend. and I need you to put up the storm windows.

So much for global warming, liberal media.

Well, it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Murray.

Oh, Clive didn't tell me you were from a trailer.

[Normal voice] I'm not.

I'm from Chicago. Yeah.

Born and bred. Go, Cubs.

Yeah.

Beep, beep. Coming through.

Do you have to put that here? I'm trying to cook.

Sorry, but this window has the perfect sun spot for Mr. Pickles to curl up in.

Plus, it has a view of the backyard.

Mr. Pickles likes to look outside. It gives him the illusion of freedom.

Hey, have you guys ever had sweet potato casserole?

Ooh.

Here.

These are raw sweet potatoes.

Do you know how long it takes to cook a potato?

Yeah, that's why I'm here early.

That's good.

Another blanket, Mother? Still drafty?

No, no, no, I'm hot.

Just remove the middle one.

Well, this was delicious.

Now we need to get back home where we belong.

Uh, we do just have a little tradition here at Chez Murray.

Um, every year after we finish dessert, we go around the table and say what we're thankful for.

Oh, that's not necessary, Clive.

I'll start. Um...

I am thankful to have two very special women in my life.

Eileen, you are every man's dream.

Oh.

And, Mother, you are every boy's dream.

I'm thankful for my birth father.

And I'm thankful for my school father, who's always looking after me, especially when my asthma acts up and I may need to skip gym or have a free period.

And I am thankful for Clive, for bringing us all together.

You have a beautiful home, and it's a pleasure to meet you.

And I'm thankful this is over.

[Sighs]

Oh, Clive, I need you to come by tomorrow and pull out the Christmas decorations from the basement.

I'll be damned if the Protestants across the street will get their lights up before I do.

Oh, I feel the same way.

I know what you're doing. You're trying to bond with me.

Well, it won't work.

[Sighs] Well... time to go.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not leaving until your mother likes me.

That could take forever.

Come on, Mom, it's Thanksgiving.

[German accent] Sit down!

She goes German when she's angry.

Mother is a very tough cookie.

Actually, more like one of those fossilized Civil w*r crackers that historians find in old barns.

Maybe we should get her to warm up to you on another day.

Or... never.

Clive, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression.

And my relationship with Pat was doomed from the start partly because his mother and I had a bad first meeting.

What could possibly have soured her opinion of you?

I told her I was pregnant.

Then I threw up on her.

And I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.

I'm gonna get your mother to like me the Eileen O'Neal way.

I'm gonna scrub and shine my way into that cold and lifeless heart.

You think her heart is cold?

Try feeling her feet under the covers.

[Chuckles] Uh, it was one time.

The power was out.

Just stop.

[Crunching]

Hey, where would I find the salt?

It's literally right next to your hand.

Oh, there it is.

And how about the pepper?

It's attached to the salt.

That's clever.

Uh, do you have basil?

Why would you put basil on a sweet pota...

Actually, yeah. Yeah, we do.

You just have to cut it.

It's just out there in the garden. Go and help yourself.

B.R.B.

Okay.

Kenny.

I just had this great idea to create a fun, cute, little romantic moment for me and Gloria.

What is the name of that song from that movie where they're cooking and they're dancing? You know what I mean?

I don't... I don't know, Dad.

Yes, you do know.

It's... it's the one where the guys are kind of... they're doing that. And the girls are... you know what I mean? That movie?

With the... the... the towel and the oven.

Cher has a really nice singing moment in "Mermaids."

No, Kenny, this is some movie I would go see.

Well, then...

Shut up.

It's coming.

[Snaps fingers] "Big Chill."

I knew I'd get it. Thanks, buddy.

Ow.

Okay.

Looking good, guys.

You know, Shannon and I can finish this up.

Why don't you and Jimmy bring your mother's Christmas decorations up from the basement?

Oh. Come on, son.

You can be my helper elf.

I am not your son or your elf.

But I have been told I look like a big Orlando Bloom, so okay.

What do I do with this?

Uh, just, um, toss it.

Okay.

Doesn't fit.

Well, we'll make it fit.

[Grunts]

Oh, you're still here.

You didn't throw away my turkey bones, did you?

I use them for soup.

N... wouldn't dream of it.

Soup sounds fantastic.

Pull it out and reform it.

[Cellphone rings]

[Sighs]

Hello.

Hi. When are you coming home?

We should be at number 7 on the checklist by now, and I'm only at number 3.

You are way behind.

I know. It's like a zoo in here... [Cat grunting] literally.

I don't even have anywhere to put the chive butter.

Kenny, breathe.

You've watched me do this for years.

You can handle it.

But Gloria used all of my mushrooms.

How am I supposed to make mushroom stuffing without mushrooms?

I can't do this. It's just... it's too overwhelming.

Toughen up, Kenneth. Don't be a stereotype.

♪♪

Okay, girl. You got this.

♪♪

Antonia Lofaso, Graham Elliot, and Alex Guarnaschelli?

What are you guys doing here?

I'm, like, a huge fan of you guys.

Aw, that is very sweet, Kenny, but you have five minutes to create an entire Thanksgiving meal, and your time starts now.

Graham: Let's go. Right.

Guys, the only things he has in his cabinet are pancake mix, bamboo sh**t, and Froot Loops.

This is gonna be a total disaster.

I'm super excited.

All right, so already, he's thinking outside of the box.

He does not have any bread crumbs, so it's amazing to watch him grinding up these Froot Loops into like a panko breading.

Froot Loops obviously don't taste like panko, but it's a similar mouthfeel.

Mm-hmm.

My family's going through a lot of changes lately.

Um, my parents are getting a divorce.

_

They both invited dates to Thanksgiving dinner.

And my mom is...

[Voice breaking] She's not even here, and we usually do this together, so...

I'm sorry.

I guess, in a way, you could say I'm doing this for her.

Just to be clear, she's still alive.

I want to win on the taste, not sympathy.

Bamboo sh**t have the same mouthfeel as mushrooms.

Thanks, Antonia.

Hey, there's the box with the wreaths.

Why don't you hand that to me, and I'll... put it on the pile going outside.

Hey, Jimmy, I know this is hard on you.

You're a sensitive soul like myself.

But if you have something to say, I am no longer your vice principal.

I'm upset because the thought of anyone... getting down with my mom is unsettling.

Well, if it helps, we have not gotten down... yet.

We have necked.

No, that does not help.

Is that an air hockey table?

Oh, yeah. You play?

Yeah.

You want to take it for a spin?

Maybe.

If we can make it interesting.

Sing along while we play?

No, that's... nope.

I was thinking like a bet.

How about if I b*at you, you have to stop trying to bond with me?

Well, okay. You got yourself a deal.

It's time for air hockey.

It's halftime.

Thought I'd open the wine I brought.

I just need to grab an opener.

Um... um, can you just indicate where it is with your eyes?

♪♪
♪ I know you wanna leave me ♪

Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

♪ But I refuse to let you go ♪

What's happening?

♪ If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy ♪

Oh, Lord.

♪ I don't mind ♪
♪ 'Cause you mean that much to me ♪

Hey.

[Laughs] Hey.

♪ Ain't too proud to beg ♪

Who's cooking?

Oh, yes.

♪ And you know it ♪

I don't know what's happening, but it feels very white.

♪ Please don't leave me, girl ♪
♪ Don't you go ♪
♪ Ain't too proud to beg ♪

Oh, Kenny.

♪ Baby, baby ♪

[Music stops]

Why are you even in here?

I mean, you never helped Mom cook once.

And suddenly you're wearing cologne and... and... and you're kitchen dancing to try to impress your date.

This is a date?

Yes?

Oh.

Oh.

[Cat yowling]

Mr. Pickles!

[Yowling continues]

What was in this bowl?

Chive butter.

Chives are poisonous to cats.

Why would you put poison in Mr. Pickles' dining room?

Th-that's his dining room?

Yes! It goes bedroom, living room, guest room, dining room.

It's an entertainer's layout.

♪♪

Where are you going?

Oh, I was just looking for the rest of your cleaning supplies.

We used up all the Windex.

Don't go in there.

Why? Is it Clive's old bedroom?

Does he have a lot of embarrassing posters on the walls?

Oh, no, don't... uh...

Hello.

Did you bring the cranberry sauce?

Man: 45. Still going!

Who is this?

Gary.

Gary is my handyman.

So, then why is Clive coming here tomorrow to put up your storm windows?

I'm not very handy.

Fine.

I just use him for the man part.

We're lovers... two years.

Clive doesn't know. It would crush him.

[Gasps]

The secrecy keeps things exciting.

So, that's why you were rushing us out of here and being so rude to me.

Yes to the first.

Eileen, if you really want me to like you, then do not tell Clive about Gary.

[Exhales]

All right, then.

But I want something in return.

You will be pleasant to me when I see you.

You will pay me three compliments per visit.

And once a month, we have coffee.

Two compliments, and we'll say we had coffee.

Deal.

It all comes down to this.

One more point, and you are out of my life forever.

Unless I score seven consecutive points, the biggest comeback in air...

Yes! O'Neal! Whoo!

I think you're very good. I've only ever played this with Mother.

It's been nice getting to know you over this brief period of time.

Um, from here on in, I'll stay out of your way.

Yeah, good.

[Snaps fingers] Good.

Okay.

Best two out of three?

You are on like "Donkey Kong."

Which is another game I have somewhere in this basement.

Is that it over there?

Whoo!

I'm sorry Gloria didn't know you guys were on a date.

And that I saw you dancing.

Well, listen, you were right. I never did that stuff with Mom.

And that was because she really took charge a lot of the time.

I guess after a while, I just kind of stopped trying.

I get that.

Just the next time you're trying to reinvent yourself, maybe... maybe you don't do it on a national holiday.

That's fair.

The tie and the cologne are kind of nice.

Well, thank you very much.

That means a lot coming from you because you're gay.

Okay.

Just another couple of hours while they pump Mr. Pickles' little stomach.

But he's gonna be okay.

He didn't die on my watch. Suck it, Dwayne!

[Chuckles]

It was really nice to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure was all mine.

And you have nice hair, clean teeth.

We should have coffee. That should suffice.

I'll call you.

Okay.

Oh, Clive. Don't forget.

Tomorrow, the storm windows, and Saturday, I need you to clean the roof gutters.

Oh, I can't this weekend. I'm running a 5K for charity.

Oh.

Well, maybe I can do it myself.

Just hope I don't fall.

No, I'm a bad son.

I'll withdraw from the race and clean your gutters instead.

A lot of those whales can probably just save themselves.

Victoria, don't you have a handyman who could clean your gutters for you?

No, I don't.

Are you sure?

Quite.

Your mother has a lover, and I found him eating turkey in the spare room.

Oh!

So you don't have night terrors.

That's just the sound of your lovemaking.

You're right, that is unsettling.

I'm unsettled.

For two years she's been catting around with a drifter named Gary.

I thought you wanted me to like you.

Well, I'm dating Clive, and it's more important that he likes me and that we build our relationship on truth.

In the spirit of honesty, we fished your turkey carcass out of the trash.

So don't make soup out of it because it's not sanitary.

Mm, thanks for that.

Oh, instead of changing the batteries out of your smoke detectors next month, I'm booking an Alaskan cruise.

Oh, and, Gary, you can go [bleep] yourself, bro.

[Gasps] Oh.

Oh, hey, guys.

Your dad and I wanted to apologize.

Yesterday was kind of a mess.

Yes, we... Maybe Thanksgiving isn't for dates.

We're still new to this.

Yeah.

No, we get it.

So, what's for Black Friday breakfast?

I have some leftover turkey and potatoes. I could make us a hash.

I'll help.

Mm. You know what? I got this.

Really?

Yeah.

I can make us some cranberry pancakes, too.

Yes.

Ow!

Kenny: Sometimes, when you get rid of old traditions, you make room for new ones. No matter where life takes us, we will always have Thanksgiving dinner together on Friday morning.

Uh, chefs, today I have for you a braised pork belly with pickled radishes and a miso and soy broth.

So, Kenny, this tastes like a good idea that was eaten by a bad idea and then was thrown up by a terrible idea.

Thank you, Chef.

It's so terrible. I mean, it makes me angry.

Like, really angry, like I want to punch it, wrestle it, throw it against a wall, punch it again.

It's bad.

Thank you, Chef.

This is overseasoned, overdone, overcooked, and underwhelming.

Thank you, Chef. All good notes.

Um, does this mean I'm going on to the next round?

♪♪

Can you just tell me?

Kenny, you know how this goes.

We have to go to a commercial break.

Right. Cool. Cool.