01x05 - Crime and Punishment

[bunniefuu]

Dre: This is me about to whup my son.

How the hell did we get here?

Well, every whupping usually has a beginning, middle, and end.

And the beginning usually starts with someone acting a complete ass.

Jack! Jack! Where are you, Jack?!

Not her.

Oh, my God, you guys! My son is gone!

He's been kidnapped!

He's little. He's black. He's really cute!

Who wouldn't kidnap him? It was only a matter of time!

Ma'am...

He's very small!

Ma'am, calm down.

To calm down?!

Listen to me!

I'm gonna fast-forward through what my wife said to Officer Hernandez.

It doesn't show her in the most flattering light.

But I think it's a good reminder to all of us that you never tell a frantic black woman to "calm down."

You got to go find my... What are you doing?!

Go! Go!

Yes, ma'am.

Jack!

Jack, where are you?!

(Crying) Oh, God!

Jack!

Remember the ass I mentioned earlier?

Here he is... our son.

Mommy loves you! Oh, God.

He'd hidden again.

It was a game to him.

A game we all hated called "Jack's missing and may be in a white van with no windows."

I found him! He's okay!

Oh, God. Oh, my God!

Everyone's okay. Whew!

I love a happy ending.

Were you hiding?!

Were you hiding in there?!

You scared the hell out of me.

Did you not heare calling your name?!

I'm gonna go ahead and fast-forward again because I don't think you can say these things to a child.

When we get home, your father is going to spank you!

Did you hear what she just said?

Let me play it back for you.

When we get home, your father is going to spank you!

Let's go.

Can you believe her?

She got to be judge, jury, and made me executioner.

Not cool, Bow. Not cool.

(Alarm beeping)

Oh, my God. Is that me? Oh, God.

Ma'am?

Oh! Oh! Oh, really?!

Give me... Give me the bag, please.

Oh, I see. I see.

It takes you two hours to find a little black boy, and then you're here in two seconds when I accidentally steal a clutch?!

Well, you know what? I'm keeping it!

That's right. I'm keeping it!

Black-ish - 01x05
"Crime and Punishment"

Rainbow: I thought our son was gone!

I am not spanking him.

Look, pops used to spank me with a hot wheels track for sport.

That's how he got his name... pops.

You'd just be sitting there, minding your own business, and then, out of no place, pop!

For no good reason.

You're not listening to me!

Okay, this is very serious!

This hiding thing has got to stop, and Jack needs to be taught a lesson.

Well, if you want to spank him so bad, why don't you do it yourself?

Because you're the spanker, Dre.

I did it one time.

One more than me.

That's because you were eight months' pregnant with the twins.

And you said if you spanked him, you would go into labor!

Well, it's not my fault that you have no idea how the human body works.

Bow, I can't do it again.

Spanking Junior put me in the bed for three days!

He shed that one tear like Denzel in "Glory," and I cried like Whoopi in "Color Purple."

But that's not the point.

Because we said that we would punish him, and we need to follow through.

No, you promised, now you want me to follow through.

Okay, I feel like you're blaming me for this.

I am blaming you for this!

Bow, it's your fault!

I can still remember Junior's face the day I spanked him.

I just hope the memory of that whupping has faded.

It was the Thursday of a leap year.

The air was crisp.

The sky was blue.

And the belt was black!

I don't want to hear anymore!

Not even about the color of my tears?

They were red!

Aah!

Okay, don't be mean. He's scared.

He should be.

It's terrifying.

I mean, not for me. I'm too old to be spanked.

I've aged out.

Where'd you hear that, Junior?

Well, I mean, I'm 13 now.

That means I'm out of the whupping window.

Yeah, but you still have an ass, don't you?

That means you're still in the window.

My research shows we have legal options...

Emancipation, extrication, and, if all else fails, relocation.

Damn, Diane.

I wish I had you when I divorced grandma.

Might've held on to my Lincoln.

You're just messing with me, right?

I mean, nobody's gonna spank a 9th grader, right?

(Scoffs) What's age got to do with it?

I spanked your daddy when he came home for the summer from college.

He was all, "oh, I'm in college, now.

Listen to how smart my mouth is."

I was like, "pop!"

Okay, come on, pops.

We all know no one spanks anymore.

Oh, well, look who's sitting there all cocky thinking she's safe 'cause she's a girl.

Whupping don't care what you are.

An ass is an ass is an ass is an ass.

Pop!

Oh.

As pops continued to make a strong case for why he shouldn't be left alone with children, I started to wonder where everyone else came down on spanking.

Was I the only one dealing with this?

So, it's really a campaign that focuses on what's important...

Light bulbs and family.

(Chuckles)

Okay, speaking of family, I have a question.

Were any of you spanked as kids?

Sure was.

My dad used to have a Rob Roy, then b*at me with his dress shoe.

My mom used to put rings on just to spank me.

My mom used to cr*ck me in the skull with a rolling pin.

Good lord, that's horrible!

Indian ones are smaller, but still, it was a rolling pin.

My parents didn't believe in spanking, and I turned out awesome.

Hey, what do they do to kids in China?

Uh, no idea.

I grew up in Torrance, and I'm Korean.

Who thinks they were better off being spanked?

Oh, totally.

I do. Definitely.

And this country is losing ground because we're no longer spanking.

Our kids are last in everything.

Josh: It's true... All the countries that are b*ating their kids are b*ating our ass.

Well, I'm convinced.

I'm gonna spank my son.

(Gasps) That's a terrible idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No!

Now, wait a minute.

You were talking about your own child?

Yes.

Which one? The big one or the little one?

The little one.

Oh, come on!

Not Jack! He's our favorite!

What are you, a monster?

I thought you guys were all for spanking?

In the abstract, yeah, but you don't hit your own child.

Who does that?

Yeah, we don't live in China.

No offense, Tanya.

Was I a monster?

Was I wrong for even considering spanking my kid?

Babe, you wouldn't believe how they turned on me when they heard that I was gonna hit Jack.

It's not up to them. It's our decision.

Hey, well, look, if you wanted to b*at the boy so bad, you should have b*at him while you were at the store.

Hey, there were shoes, there were hangers, an array of belts...

Well, I couldn't do it at the store.

There were people everywhere.

What do you think the dressing rooms are for?

They're private little b*ating booths.

Look, you missed your moment, Bow.

You just need to admit it.

You don't want to be the bad guy.

I don't want to be the bad guy!

I don't even like taking the last shrimp at a party, and you know how much I love crustaceans.

Oh, you do love crustaceans.

Look, I think I can get the same message across if I just give him a stern talking-to.

(Door closes)

So, you're not gonna get a whupping.

Dad's just gonna talk to you.

Yes, a talk? That's nothing.

I could do that standing on my head.

I told you dad was soft.

So, what should I wear to the whupping?

Black 'cause it's a somber occasion?

White 'cause you're whupping virgin ass?

I'm not whupping Jack, pops.

All right?

I'm gonna sit down and have a sensible, intelligent conversation with my son.

Diane is right. You are soft.

Has anyone seen Jack? I can't find him anywhere.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Jack, get down here now!

Jack! He's not upstairs!

He's not under the dining room table.

He's not in the guesthouse.

I'm looking in the oven. I've totally lost it.

Jack!

I found his backpack outside.

What? Outside?

Baby, maybe he got snatched.

I mean, people are crazy.

See? This is what I went through at the store.

Yeah, but now it's different. It's me.

Damn it, Jack!

He was so cute, so... so full of promise.

He was my favorite.

Oh, sorry, guys.

Ha! Gotcha!

Here I am! You couldn't find me.

Dad, you walked right by me three times.

I thought you could hear me giggling, but you didn't because you were crying so loud.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You see how much worry you caused in this house?

You know what? I'm about to whup your ass.

Pops: Whoa, son, son. Yeah.

You don't want to whup a child just before he goes to school.

Crying in the car, tears all over the leather seats?

Good point, pops.

You know what, son?

When I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind.

Now you have to think about that all day...

About how when I get home, I'm gonna whip your behind.

Okay, let's go.

Come on. We're going to your room.

You think about that all day, young man.

You hear me, mister?!

That's my boy.

So, I was resolved to whup that boy.

But little did I know, there was a conspiracy afoot.

Okay, we have to figure something out.

I'm back in the whuppin' window.

Jack re-opened my window!

Yeah, you really messed it up for all of us.

Why did you hide again?

'Cause I'm a really good hider.

Our only hope is for a gubernatorial pardon.

Oh, why is she like this?

Just tell us what you mean.

Mom could save us. Duh.

So, what do I have to do?

I got it.

Now, tell me what you see.

Me.

Hi, me!

Okay, do you not understand what's going to happen?

You are going to get beaten by dad with a belt.

Ignore him.

Tell me what we should do.

I need this.

Okay.

That face, that smile, that afro...

All weapons to use against mom when you're k*lling her with cuteness.

Not bad.

So, do you think you can do it?

Are you kidding? I don't know how not to do it.

Even though I was resolute, forces were working to try to break me down.

Okay, you guys, look.

If we don't come up with a new marketing strategy in the next 20 minutes, we're gonna lose our client.

And that's $7 million in revenue.

Question.

Yes.

Did you b*at your son yesterday?

You did hear me say $7 million in revenue, right?

That is your name on the wall.

So, that's a yes?

You know, I don't think that's appropriate workplace conversation.

But I am whupping my son's ass tonight.

I thought we agreed you weren't whupping your son's ass.

We?

Yeah, we all voted yesterday while you were asleep after lunch.

(Snoring)

You know, it may not seem like it, but I am embarrassed by those naps.

But I am not embarrassed by the fact that I'm gonna whip my son's ass.

All right? The kid needs it.

(All talking at once)

So I had no support at work, but at least I knew Bow was standing strong.

We can't spank Jack.

What?

We can't spank Jack.

Who got to you?

No one.

Let me help you, mommy.

(Sighs)

Jack, don't cozy up to me.

I'm still angry with you.

Oh, my God, you are wearing a Bow tie.

I'm your little man.

♪ I put a spell on you ♪

Hi, mommy.

Could we please look at my baby pictures while cuddling on the couch together?

♪ Because you're mine ♪

Yes! That is your world-famous lasagna I smell.

I love you and your cooking, mommy.

Okay.

♪ Right now I put a spell on you ♪
♪ because you're mine ♪

No. No. No. No. No.

Bow, you can't look in his eyes!

He's like the chupacabra.

I had to!

He said there was something in his eye, and there was.

And it was one of his long and beautiful eyelashes.

Don't b*at him!

Bow, calm down!

Okay.

The boy still thinks hiding is a game, and he has to learn his lesson.

Okay.

If we back out now, we might as well go up there and tell our kids that their mommy and daddy are punk-ass b*tches.

You're right. You're right.

We can do this.

This is going to happen!

The whupping is a go!

Oh, no.

You weren't cute enough.

Impossible.

What are we gonna do?

We have one last move.

Dre, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, what's up, pops?

I want to show you something.

Mm-hmm. Recognize this?

Oh, my God.

(Chuckles)

Is that that piece of hot wheels track you used to b*at me with?

Mm-hmm.

You kept that all these years, huh?

Every time I got ready to throw it out, you'd do something stupid.

Oh, yeah.

Relax, son. I-I want you to have it.

It's really the perfect thing.

I mean, there's nothing better than b*ating someone with something they love.

Jack does not love that, pops.

Hell, kids don't even play with those anymore.

Well, b*at him with something I love, then.

I love this because I used to b*at you with it.

Mm.

How many white Russians have you had?

Irrelevant. But a lot. (Sniffs)

Okay, now, look, I may need you to block the door, because Jack is real slippery.

All right, kind of quick.

Rodent-fast.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Did you just compare our son to a rat?

I didn't say rat. I said rodent.

Which includes your squirrels, your chipmunks, your prairie dogs...

They're all so cute, like him.

Focus, woman!

Okay, you're right.

Focus!

You're right.

Chupacabra, chupacabra.

Also probably a rodent.

Really, 'cause I heard that...

What are you doing?

Move.

You're not spanking my brother.

Wha...

Junior: Yeah!

You're not spanking her brother... sss.

If you whup Jack, you have to whup all of us.

Fine, I'll whup all four of you.

Okay, um...

Mm-hmm. Who's going first? Huh?

(Belt snaps)

Uh-oh.

Junior, you picked a bad day to wear shorts.

I'm serious.

All of you are getting an ass-whupping if Jack isn't in my room in five minutes.

Guys, that's like 300 mississippis.

We better go.

A quadruple ass-whupping?

I don't think you have the cardio stamina for that.

Oh, I don't.

Oh.

But it's not gonna come to that.

Oh, it's not?

Mnh-mnh.

Oh.

What do you mean? You're selling me out?

We're not exactly selling you out.

We created an algorithm to reduce collateral damage.

What does that mean?

We're selling you out.

Even you, Diane? You're my twin.

Look, friend, we're not identical.

This is the right thing to do.

Right?

Perfect.

Wait. I can't wear this.

Ow!

What the hell?

(Scoffs)

Ow!

(Somber music plays)

Dead man walking!

What are you looking at?!

Jack, go stand over there.

And all those clothes aren't gonna protect you.

(Whimpers)

I don't think I can do this.

I don't think you should do this.

We were wrong.

I don't think we should re-introduce whupping into this house.

What's the worst thing that could happen if we don't whup him?

I'm homeless because you didn't whup me.

What's the worst thing that could happen if we do?

I'm homeless because you whupped me.

So, let's not whup him.

It'd be nice for him to have a dog.

I don't know.

I hate when homeless people have dogs.

I never know who I'm giving my half-eaten sandwich to.

That's true.

Plus, you know what?

I honestly don't think Jack is responsible enough to take care of a dog.

What are you all talking about?

Quit stalling.

God, I hate this.

It's not who I am.

Well, it's who I am!

Rainbow: No...

I'm gonna do you a favor, son.

(Belt snaps)

I'm gonna whup him for you. What?

Bow, get the other children.

I think it's very important that they see this.

Hey, pops.

I'm not gonna let you spank my son.

All right. I'll do it.

Hey.

So, this is where we started.

I'm about to whup my kid because I love him and don't want anything bad to happen to him.

Wait a minute.

How messed up is that?

Sit down.

Look, dude.

You can never hide again.

I know you think it's funny, but you're my little man, and it's terrifying.

All right, you can't do this to me.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Are you looking for hiding places right now?!

Yes.

What is wrong with you?!

We keep telling you that you can't do this, but yet you keep doing it.

I'm really disappointed in you, Jack.

I didn't mean to disappoint you, daddy.

(Sobbing)

Daddy said I disappointed him!

Aww, come here to pa-pa, baby boy.

I told you to spank him, not crush his spirit.

Your daddy is a monster.

Oh, no, it happened. Whupping's back.

Oh, I'm so screwed.

Uh, I'm gonna go clean my room.

Yeah, good idea.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna tell dad he's handsome and that I love him.

(Breathes deeply) I love you, dad!

Whoa.

Dad actually did it.

I owe pops 50 bucks!

So it turns out I had another tool in my arsenal that's a lot more valuable than a belt...

My opinion.

My kids actually care what I think about them.

Go figure.

Hey, babe.

Rainbow: Hey.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Spanking's not for us.

No. No, it is not.

Not unless Jack pulls another stunt like this, and then I will light that ass up.

Whew.

Like a Christmas tree.

Oh, no, baby. Like Vegas from a plane.

Or...

Something else that lights up.

(Chuckles)

Good one, babe. (Chuckles)

I couldn't think of anything. I panicked.

I see.

Oh, no, no, no, I got one! I got one!

Okay.

(Smacks lips)

Like a fireworks display.

Hmm.

Mm.

Like a... a milky way.

Babe?

Uh-huh?

We're done doing that.

No, I said that...

No, we're done.

And the beauty of it is you're never safe.

So, take this, for example.

Looks pretty innocent, but what am I going to do?

Am I gonna whip up some eggs?

Or am I going to whip some ass?

Or this.

Am I going to dry some dishes?

Or am I going to dry some tears?

Your turn.

Am I going to fry some bacons? Or am I gonna cave your skull in?!

Yes. Lesson over.

What have I done?