01x10 - Black Santa; White Christmas

[bunniefuu]

You got me? You got me, Zoey?

He-e-e-e-y! Merry Christmas!

Dre: I love Christmas.

And I especially love Christmas traditions... the presents, the stockings, my mom cooking her amazing Christmas Eve dinner, bow resenting the hell out of my mom's amazing Christmas Eve dinner, and me giving my kids all the Christmas bells and whistles I never had.

But in the midst of all the festivities, I never want my kids to forget the true meaning of Christmas and the man this day is really about...

Santa.

Santa was the first white man I ever loved.

Followed by a close second, Terry Bradshaw.

But back to Santa.

I love Santa so much because I never got to believe in him as a kid.

Look what Santa brought me, daddy!

Unh-unh! You better get out of here with that.

That was from me and your daddy.

You think some fat white man showed up on Jesus' birthday and gave you those full-priced socks?

Ha! I don't think so.

But no matter how hard they tried... or didn't try at all... no parent can ever b*at Santa, because Santa is Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

And at the Stevens & Lido Christmas party, Santa is and always has been Fred Garner.

364 days a year, Fred is a low-level account manager with a high-level meat intake.

But one day a year, Fred becomes a hero to every child at the party because he's Santa.

And Santa's the man.

Dre: So, we're on for Tuesday?

Josh: Mm-hmm.

Hey. Hey. What do you think, Fred?

[Thud]

But not that man, because he's dead.

I mean, who'd be a better Santa than me?

I'm fun, I'm love kids, and everybody at work is like family to me.

Hey, how's everybody taking Fred's death?

How am I supposed to know?

First of all, Christmas is about Jesus, not Santa.

And second, leave Santa to the white folks.

Let's get a black James Bond first.

Idris Elba.

[British accent] Hennessy... Shaken, not stirred.

Ooh! Ooh!

Calm down, all right?

Look, Stevens & Lido needs a black Santa.

I mean, everybody at the office invites an adopt-a-family to the party, for most of these kids, the only Santa they've ever known has been some random white guy.

This is my opportunity to show these kids that Santa can look like them.

Mm-hmm.

How can Santa look like a kid?

Santa looks like Santa.

Of... Course, baby.

Santa looks just like Santa.

Yep, because there's only one Santa.

But daddy wants to be one of Santa's helpers.

But we'll still get our presents from the real Santa, right?

The white one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now, now.

At some point, everyone has to move on.

So here we go.

Oh! Dre!

[Voice breaking] It's so unfair!

Oh. Ooh. [Chuckles]

Okay.

[Sighs] Uh-huh.

Finally getting rid of her, huh?

Good call.

Angelica?

Mm-hmm.

God, no. She is an H.R. Genius.

She's saved me millions.

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to say "sugar tush."

But... okay, well, why was she crying?

She's upset about Fred. We all are.

Oh, right... Fred.

Yeah. Makes you think.

So, anyway, the Christmas party's coming up, and I know you must be thinking about the new Santa.

God, Dre. Fred's not even in the ground.

Oh. Though he will be in an hour.

You coming to the funeral?

People are doing that?

And I will pick a Santa when I get back.

Lot of choices.

Look at all those fat bastards.

You know everyone you're looking at is white, right?

Are they?

You know, I-I don't see color.

Oh.

I'm kidding. [Laughs]

Can you imagine?

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Oh, wait. Mr. Stevens?

All I'm saying is that when it comes to Santa, keep an opened mind, hey, don't be afraid to think outside the box.

I can't wait to make you my Christmas Eve dinner.

I'll cook all your favorite foods.

Oh, grandma works her fingers to the bone every year for you babies. [Chuckles]

And tonight, I'll make the glaze for my juicy Christmas Eve ham.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

[Chuckles] Oh, yeah.

You look about the size of a ham.

You careful I don't put you in the oven.

[Gasps] I love when you put me in the oven!

Put me in the oven!

Me too!

I mean... I'm too old for that stuff.

But I'll go in if you want me to.

Rainbow: Hey, I have an idea.

Maybe this year, I could cook Christmas Eve dinner.

But grandma always cooks.

Always.

Every time.

We love it so much.

I-I know. I mean, grandma's the best.

And she tells me.

A lot.

And everybody tells her, a lot.

So, I was thinking it would be really fun if maybe this year, you guys tell me how great I am.

A-after we try some of my family's traditions.

Ruby: Well, now, that sounds good, but seeing that your swirly parents are in a cult, your traditions may not jibe with our Judeo-Christian, human, Christmas beliefs.

Okay, my parents are not in a cult.

Anymore.

But that is... that's not the point.

Because I have some really good ideas, too.

I can be fun.

I'm gonna chop you up, put you on a cookie sheet, and shove you in the oven!

Aaah!

It's scary when you do it.

So, if I was going to win the Santa account, I had to come up with a great pitch.

People used to think that the President of the United States could only be white...

George Washington...

John Adams...

Thomas Jefferson...

James Madison...

James Monroe...

John Quincy Adams... damn it, Charlie, I said "a few presidents," not "every president"!

What? You want to sleep on my man Chester Arthur's whole naval reform?

[Chuckling] That mess was off the chain.

Look, man, my point is, the White House was just that... white.

Until one man broke through and gave my people hope.

Dennis Haysbert in "24."

Here's another man that people assume should be white.

But I ask you, what is the color of joy?

A child's smile?

This year, let Stevens & Lido pave the way, and show the children the new face of Santa.

Oh! Josh: Mm!

That's what I'm talking about.

That was beautiful. You're gonna nail Santa.

Terrible choice of words.

Oh. They're back.

I got to go hit Stevens up.

Hey. Cue that back up.

Mr. Stevens.

Stevens: Oh, hey, Dre. Listen.

I've been mulling over what you said about thinking outside the box.

Really? Really? That's great.

Everyone, I am very proud to announce Stevens & Lido's brand-new Santa...

[Taps on glass]

Angelica Rodriguez!

[Laughing] Oh, my God!

[Applause]

What a surprise!

Wait. What?

Mexican female Santa?

No! Too far from the box!

Get closer! Closer to the box!

When I was a little girl, my mom used to dress me and my sisters up as the Three Wise Women and we would sing "o little town of Bethlehem."

Why? Was she a drinker?

No, we loved it!

And you guys are gonna dress up as elves and sing at dad's office party.

And then we're gonna come back here and we're gonna have my Christmas Eve dinner.

But we love grandma's ham and grandma's Greens and grandma's sweet potato pie.

Yes, but just wait until you try mama's roast turkey and mama's creamed spinach and mama's pumpkin pie.

Who's mama?

Me! I'm mama!

It'll be nice. You guys will try something different.

We don't like different.

We like the same.

Go do your homework.

Bye, mama.

G... you know, Rainbow, you're too hard on the kids.

If I didn't know you were mixed, I'd swear you were Chinese.

Ruby! That's r*cist!

Black people can't be r*cist.

I was robbed by a damn Mexican!

See? Totally acceptable.

What happened, Dre?

I opened Stevens' mind so wide that he chose a Mexican lady Santa!

A female Santa? Very exciting.

Of course you'd think it is, miss "I campaigned for Hillary."

I went to one fundraiser, Dre.

That you hosted.

Co-hosted!

Anyway, I don't have a problem with a woman being Santa, other than it being insane.

But a Mexican?

Wait... are you serious?

Are you saying a Mexican can't be Santa?

No way, José! Not yet!

We've been waiting longer.

My mama's right, there's supposed to be a black Santa before a Mexican Santa.

It's just like the presidency... white president, black president, Mexican president, gay.

White Santa, black Santa, Mexican Santa...

Thunderdome.

Mexicans can't be jumping the line.

It's bad enough they started taking black people's jobs with sneaky tricks like... like... like... like working harder for less pay.

Okay, now, that is r*cist and insane.

Black people can't be r*cist.

Oh, my God! I'm living in a nightmare!

Okay, we need a plan.

Yeah, son. We got your back, playa.

Bros befo... get out.

No, no, no, no. Please?

Can I stay if I'm just super-quiet?

I want to be part of this so bad.

I don't know.

Maybe I should just go talk to Angelica.

All we got to do is plant some cocaine in her desk.

Charlie! She could get fired for that.

I got to go take care of something... unrelated.

Together: [Off-key] ♪ merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

Okay. It's not bad.

Mom, we suck.

Let grandma sing. She has the best voice.

Yeah.

Ruby: Oh, no, thank you, baby.

I wouldn't want to get in the way of your mom's strange, new traditions with my old, beautiful voice.

Okay. We're gonna start from the top.

Together: [Off-key] ♪ hark how the bells ♪
♪ Sweet silver bells ♪
♪ All seem to say ♪
♪ Throw cares away ♪

Okay, stop.

♪ Christmas is here ♪

Stop!

We are in trouble, okay?

And I don't want to point fingers, but you guys are not great.

You got a minute to talk about that whole Santa thing?

It's exciting, isn't it?

Dream come true for me.

Really? You know, Fred said it was a thankless nightmare.

You know, peeing kids, pushy parents.

Dre, I get it... you want to be Santa.

Pfft! No.

Hey, was that the vibe that I was giving off?

It's just that, I was the one who hooked up Stevens & Lido with this whole adopt-a family program, and I've loved working behind the scenes, but this year, I get to put on that suit and greet all of those children with a hearty "ho, ho-ho!"

Dre, I promised Angelica that she could be Santa over the grave of a man I love.

Now, I am not changing my mind.

Excuse me. Uh, could you do your Santa laugh one more time?

"Ho, ho-ho!"

You're out.

Dre, you're the new Santa.

Yes!

Babe? How'd did you get the job from Angelica?

I did what I had to do.

Oh, dear God. Please tell me you didn't k*ll her.

Hey, I saved the day, baby.

Look, these kids came this close to getting an incompetent Santa.

Ooh. Check out my fat suit.

It's gonna transform my fit body into a jolly wonderland for children.

Terrible choice of words.

[Scoffs] Hater.

[Sniffing]

What?

Why do you smell like turkey?

Oh, I had a brining accident.

No! Come back!

Oh, God!

Mom-fail.

[Singsong voice] Worldstar!

[Sighs] God.

Why were you even making a turkey?

For Christmas Eve dinner.

Babe, my mom does Christmas Eve.

Not this year, okay?

I'm so sick of it being all about your mom.

I'm cooking.

I'm putting my stank on Christmas.

What? When did that happen?

Dre, I told you, like, five times, and you said it sounded like a good idea.

Were you even listening to me?

I was.

Santa, Santa, Santa.

Santa, Santa, Santa-Santa.

Santa.

Sounds good.

Dre, I could really use a little support.

Uh, well, bow, I could really use some support, okay?

Why don't you use your legs and help me get into this outfit?

Come on. All right.

My butt. Push up on my butt.

[Laughing] I'm coming. I'm coming.

Ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

[Both grunt]

So, it was Christmas Eve and the Stevens & Lido party.

I was nervous for bow, but luckily, she had a plan to help our tone-deaf kids shine.

We're gonna get dirty with it.

[Auto-tuned] ♪ hark how the bells, sweet silver bells ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ All seem to say "throw cares away" ♪
♪ Christmas is here, bringing good cheer ♪
♪ To young and old, meek and the bold ♪
♪ Dingdong, dingdong, that is their song ♪
♪ With joyful ring, all caroling ♪
♪ One seems to hear words of good cheer ♪
♪ From everywhere, filling the air ♪

Zoey and Junior: ♪ merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

Jack and Diane: ♪ merry, merry, merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

Yay! Yeah!

[Cheers and applause]

So good!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That was amazing!

[Laughs]

I'm so proud of you!

Oh, gosh! That was so good!

Now can we go have grandma's food?

No, baby. Everything's cooked. We're having my dinner.

[Cries]

Junior: Pull it together, buddy.

Christmas isn't about getting everything we want.

Or anything we want.

It's about mom.

N... what?

Okay.

[Sighs]

Sweetheart, I... s... oh, my God. What have I done? I've ruined their Christmas.

Now, now. You made one bad choice.

One terrible, terrible choice.

I said, "I know."

What can I do, Ruby?

Well, dinner's not for three hours.

Maybe it's not too late for grandma to cook up a Christmas Eve miracle.

No. No, no. You won't help me. You'd just slow me down.

Okay.

All right. Settle down, everybody.

We've got somebody pretty exciting.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

What's that I hear?

Ooh. Sleigh bells, baby! [Chuckles]

Ring!

Definitely not sirens.

'Cause I got that stuff out my desk.

All right. Now, put 'em together for my main man...

Santa [Bleep] claus!

Ohh.

[Feedback, children gasp]

Santa claus, kids.

Kids.

[Chuckles] Huh?

[Chanting] San-ta!

All: San-ta! San-ta! San-ta!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

I see a lot of little boys and girls out there.

Hey, have you been good?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Unh-unh. I said, "have you been good?"

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

All right, then it's time for some presents!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Uh...

I said, "it's time for some presents!"

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Did I forget to tell you that Santa's in charge of the toy drive?

Um... Yes, you did.

Oh, wow. [Chuckles]

'Cause if I did that, that would make you look like a complete and total real-life jackass.

Dre?

Huh?

Have you ruined Christmas?

Uh...

Yes, sir, he has.

Ho, ho, ho.

You could have just told me.

Okay.

Boys and girls, I am so sorry to say, but there'll be no presents tonight.

[Children gasp]

But please, enjoy the raw bar.

No toys?

This never happened with white Santa!

So, now only that I'd become the first black Santa,

I also managed to become the worst black Santa... or, for that matter, the worst Santa of any color.

I'm sorry.

But Santa had a secret w*apon... four happy elves.

All right, elves. Let's go. It's game time.

Will this day not end?

Look, I need your help. Okay? I blew it.

I was so excited about being Santa that I forgot what Santa was really about.

It's not about what I look like in this suit and this beard... even though I do look pretty fly.

You peep these sideburns? You see how they lay down?

Diane: Daddy.

Weren't you trying to make a point?

Santa is about children and bringing them joy and hope!

And presents.

And presents!

Damn! What is wrong with me?

Come on! Let's go!

It wasn't about black Santa versus Mexican Santa.

It was about stepping up and just being Santa.

Hey, I felt bad. I wanted to help.

Oh!

Hey, why aren't you cooking?

Oh, uh... [Clears throat] I'm just taking a break.

My shoulders are all knotted up from all that kneading and chopping an Christmas save it, you go on back to the party. Now, go on back to the party.

[Clattering]

What is that? Is there someone here?

Wait, no! It... it's nobody. It's nobody.

I-I-it's... I've...

I've taken a lover!

Oh... Ruby, get out of the way.

Unh-unh! Don't go back there! Don't go back there!

Oh, my... hello?

Okay, two sweet-potato pies completes your order.

And no rush charge for my most loyal customer.

[Chuckles]

Most loyal customer?

Oh, Ruby has been ordering my Christmas dinners for 10 years now.

Ohhhh.

I will invoice you, chica.

Feliz navidad. Merry Christmas.

[Sighs]

Merry Christmas, stranger.

[Door closes]

Oh... My God.

"Grandma's homemade dinner"?

It is grandma's... just not their grandma's.

But, Ruby, you're a great cook.

Why would you have a Mexican caterer make your dinner?

Christmas is too much work, Rainbow, too much pressure.

And who else would I trust with my authentic, down-home holiday feast?

Mexicans are dependable, affordable, and the backbone of the American workforce!

Now, stop being r*cist, bow!

But...

Come on. Come on!

What are you doing?

Making a mess to make this lie look real.

Now go put your cooking clothes on!

Zoey: ♪ hark how the bells, sweet silver bells ♪
♪ All seem to say "throw cares away" ♪

Junior: ♪ Christmas is here, bringing good cheer ♪
♪ To young and old, meek and the bold ♪

Diane: ♪ dingdong, dingdong, that is their song ♪
♪ With joyful ring, all caroling ♪

Jack: ♪ one seems to hear words of good cheer ♪
♪ From everywhere, filling the air ♪

Junior: ♪ oh, how they pound, raising the sound ♪

Zoey: ♪ o'er hill and Dale, telling their tale ♪

Diane: ♪ with joyful ring, all caroling ♪

Jack: ♪ one seems to hear words of good cheer ♪
♪ From everywhere, filling the air ♪

Junior: ♪ oh, how they pound, raising the sound ♪

Zoey: ♪ o'er hill and Dale, telling their tale ♪

Ho, ho, ho!

Diane: ♪ gaily they ring while people sing ♪

Ho, ho, ho!

Jack: ♪ songs of good cheer, Christmas is here ♪

Ho, ho, ho!

♪ Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

Ho, ho, hey!

Ho, ho, ho!

♪ merry, merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas ♪

Dre: We saved Christmas.

I mean, I guess we had to do it anyway since I was the one who destroyed... It.

What the hell is going on in here?

How is there gravy on the ceiling?

I mean, you should go check out what you're having for dinner, my babies.

Floor turkey.

Mac 'n' cheese?! Greens?!

It's a miracle! Jesus turned the turkey to ham!

But... How'd you do it so fast?

Your grandmother and I worked our fingers to the bone, and it was all worth it.

I did most of it.

Come on. Let's go eat this food. Let's go.

You better share the glory, lady, or I will burn down your house of lies.

Or, should I say casa of lies.

Ruby: Well, I didn't do it all! Your mama washed the lettuce!

Hey, baby, this is perfect.

Thank you for working with my mother.

It really means a lot.

Ohh. Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas.

Mwah.

Um, why are there 10 empty boxes from Molina & Sons catering in the garage?

What are all those websites in your search history?

Hmm. Okay! Let's eat!

All right.

Oh! That's my piece right here.

Hey!

Take the Greens, baby.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Auto-tuned] ♪ o little town of Bethlehem ♪
♪ How still we see thee lie ♪

She just took my idea.

Babe, it's okay. It's okay.

It's not okay! She's leaving soon.

♪ ...sleep ♪
♪ The silent stars go by ♪

[Record scratching]

♪ Yet in the dark streets shineth ♪
♪ The everlasting light ♪

[Laughs]

♪ The hopes and fears of all the years ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Are met in thee tonight ♪

Together: ♪ go, Jesus, go, Jesus ♪
♪ Go, Jesus, go, Jesus ♪
♪ Go, Jesus, go, Jesus, go, Jesus ♪
♪ Go, Jesus, go, Jesus ♪