01x16 - Parental Guidance

[bunniefuu]

Dre: 15 years this month.

I've been married to this beautiful creature...

With a horribly deviated septum.

She's got the nasal passages of a UFC fighter.

[Snorts]

My angel.

♪ Meet me at the altar ♪

Back in the day, Bow's residency schedule was a little nuts and we were broke, so we had a rushed wedding between shifts at the hospital chapel.

I've only got seven minutes till rounds.

Let's get our asses married.

So, while this woman was preparing herself for the loss of her dad, this woman was preparing herself for the loss of her son.

Why, God?

Why?!

♪ I wanna come home to you and only you ♪ [Sighs]

[Laughs] [Crying]

I can't believe he landed this bird.

Love is blind as hell.

[Laughs]

What the hell you crying about?

[Pager beeps]

Oh, God. I got to go.

Oh.

I love you! I love you!

[Squeals]

Why?

But that was then. Things are different now.

And I plan to turn that ratchet first wedding into a vow renewal of the century.

This time, I'm gonna give Bow the party she deserves, and nothing can ruin that.

[Doorbell rings]

What the hell?

Nothing except Bow's parents.

Rainbow: Dre, it's 5:00 A.M.

Shh!

Who's at the door?

Hide!

[Knock on door]

Jehovah Witnesses!

What?!

I can hear you, Andre. Open the door.

[Groans]

Mom? Dad?

Don't you open that door.

Dre, move your foot.

Don't you open...

Dre, move your foot.

Aah!

Oh!

Hi!

Andre, join us!

Let me warm that heart with the light from within.

I hate when my heart's warm.

"Hate" is such a strong word.

I dislike when my heart's warm.

Black-ish - 01x16
Parental Guidance

Mom, what happened?

Oh, I slipped in a Mexican composting dump.

Oh. Your trip sounds beautiful.

Dre.

Oh, I made great time from the Mexican border.

Never had to stop and fill up.

The old RV runs on vegetable oil and animal waste.

Smooth ride, crappy mileage.

[Chuckles]

Get it?

Yeah, I get it.

'Cause it runs on crap.

Yeah.

I didn't know you guys went to Mexico.

Oh, Méjico.

We took an agritourism trip to San Miguel de Allende.

She how good she is with languages?

Mm-hmm.

Worked on a farm, built walls, picked fruit.

Ah. Sounds like sl*very.

Oh. It's different. You pay.

Yeah, only rich people would pay to sharecrop.

Alicia: Andre, Andre, Andre, I understand your need to lash out because you grew up in an environment of fear.

What?

Mm-hmm.

But you're safe now. You are loved.

Uh, yeah, I'm cool, Alicia.

Ali-CIA, baby.

Ah. Mm-hmm.

So, Dre...

Hmm?

How's your mother?

Oh, she's good.

Oh, I've always liked her. She's so strong.

Gorgeous skin, beautiful lips.

Down, Paul. You got your black wife.

Now, where are my grandbabies?

What? What, what, what?

Let's play "20 questions."

Okay.

All right?

I'm thinking of a person who gave birth to you who I don't like.

Will you stop?

Nope. Not it.

The person I'm thinking about has never liked me or thought I was good enough for you.

She actually tried to set you up with another guy at our wedding.

Bow! This is Adam.

Although only one of you has a working liver, you're both art lovers.

Your mother would rather see you with a yellow white man with two weeks to live than be with me.

Dre, my mom is a new-age healer, okay?

She thought she could save him.

[Laughs]

I just can't believe that they came for the vow renewal.

I mean, they never come.

Yeah, like ever.

It's always been my favorite thing about them.

Okay, look. Bow, I just want our vow renewal to be perfect.

Well, now that my parents are here, it'll be more perfect.

You know, I-I-I'm actually happy that your dad is here.

I love Paul, and you know how hard it is for me to say that about a white man.

You said you loved Bill Clinton.

Don't talk about Bill Clinton!

Oh, my God, Dre.

I'm just asking you to be civil to my mother.

I will. I promise.

I can't. She's the worst.

Well, at least you tried your hardest.

Yep, I did!

Meanwhile, it was business as usual with my moms and pops.

You ever hear that expression about houseguests being like fish?

Stay too long, they start to stink.

You ever hear the one about the time I b*at the [Bleep] out of your stupid [Bleep]

After you [Bleep] that woman?

You dumb son of a [Bleep]

Good morning to you, too, Ruby.

That was so cool!

Why isn't everyone more excited about the poo bus?

It's a bus that runs on poo!

Your answer's in your question.

Hey!

What are they doing here?

Dre said they would never come to this thing.

Maybe their swirly cult kicked them out.

Hey!

Earl!

Paul!

Oh!

Sparkling Ruby.

Aww. [Chuckles]

Ah. I see Paul finally lost his patience.

I slipped, but thanks for your concern.

How fortuitous that we are all here to share in this magical journey.

It'd be real magical if they disappeared.

Did you guys see "Selma"? Complete game-changer.

So awe-inspiring.

I saw the original in 1965.

Mine was called "Detroit." [Chuckles]

Paul actually walked across that bridge with the reverend doctor.

Oh. Good for him.

He was still a white man when he got to the other side of the bridge, though, yes?

[Laughs]

And probably ate at a restaurant.

At the counter.

Anyway, how exciting that Rainbow and, uh... [Snaps fingers] your son are celebrating 15 years of wedded bliss.

Oh, 16.

I'm 15, so they've been married for 16 years.

That's right. That's right, baby... 16 years.

Remember, Alicia?

Don't mediate her experience.

It's 15, honey.

Wait. So they had me before they were married?

You're like the bastard Jon Snow!

They lied to me.

You've all been lying to me.

Not me. I told you the truth because I respect you.

[Huffs]

First the poop bus, and now this?

Best morning ever!

Why you want to hurt the child like that?

If we're not honest, we're nothing.

I don't remember that in the Bible.

The Bible is just one of many paths to the truth.

I'm an animist. Everything has a soul.

That apple, that sponge, that glass.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah.

You say this glass has a soul?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

[Bleep] You.

Yeah. Yeah.

Nice.

That's my Ruby. [Chuckles]

How you doing, Zo-Zo?

I'm fine.

I talked to mom and dad, and they said that they love me and that having me wasn't an accident.

Hmm. Seems like overcompensating.

How does it feel to be just another statistic?

'Course, it explains why dad's always been so hard on me...

'cause I was the first kid he meant to have.

Shut up.

Do you think dad is even her dad?

She's much better-looking than us.

Junior: Funny you should say that.

I did some research on handsome guys in L.A. in 2000.

Have you ever heard of Rick Fox?

Ex-laker, decent defender.

Your dad.

They have the same eyes.

Get out!

Fine.

All children conceived in a loving, legal bond, come with me.

That would be us.

See you, ol' dirty.

Pops: What you got?

All right, I got... "Drone."

Hm.

Ha!

You know...

For your vow-renewal ceremony, I'm wearing white.

Over my dead body.

Oh, I'm wearing red to that.

Mnh.

I got B-L-K-W-Y-F.

Ha!

That's not a word.

Then why does it say it on your license plate?

Okay, that's a triple word score.

I thought so.

[Laughs]

All right, pops.

So, I'm trying to renewal grandma Alicia's license so she can officiate your vows, but...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You gonna let her crazy ass marry you again?

Uh, we... we actually haven't talked about it yet, pops.

Uh, hell no.

We aren't.

There. We talked about it.

Dre.

I think you should have a man of God marry you.

My mother is an ordained minister.

I said "a man of God."

Junior: Guys, listen to me... the church of saturnology website has been seized by the FBI.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let me see that.

Look at this.

"This site has been seized pending further investigation"?

"All accreditation is null and void."

Oh, my God.

This is a fake church!

Wait a minute. Dre, does that mean we're not married?

Uh, yeah.

Oh, yes!

We are all bastards.

Oh, I cannot get a win here.

[Laughs]

You know what church isn't fake?

Jesus.

Oh.

Jesus is real.

[Sighs] Yes.

Look, my mother was right.

We should have gotten married in a real church with a real Minister with real Jesus.

Dre, your mother wanted Bishop Don Juan to marry us.

At least he has actual power vested in him...

and his face on the hubcaps of his Bentley.

I think your mother did this on purpose.

No, she did not.

Mm-hmm.

Dre, I'm upset, too.

But the reality is that it is just a piece of paper.

It's just a piece of paper if you have it.

It's a big deal if you don't.

Like money.

You're right. You're totally right.

I can't believe I'm a baby daddy.

Oh... My God.

That means I'm a single mother who's also a successful doctor.

I'm a profile in courage.

If "Oprah" was still on, she would want to meet me.

You know what, babe?

Huh?

We're gonna turn these sour-ass lemons your mother gave us and make lemonade.

That's a good idea.

We're gonna turn this vow renewal...

Mm-hmm?

Into a wedding.

[Gasps]

Dre, are you sure?

What? Yes.

You know I come with four children.

Four.

And I will raise them like my own.

Oh, God, you are such a good man.

Oh, babe?

Mm-hmm?

I was also thinking about exchanging this cheap-ass engagement ring.

Oh. Unless you're too sentimental about it.

Platinum, princess cut, 3 carats... 4 if I'm being real... one for each one of your big-headed Johnson babies.

Okay, babe.

Love you.

I love you, too.

I don't want to see that again.

Oh, not so cocky anymore, are you?

I'm a child from a broken home.

I wonder if we're even related.

You two probably aren't even twins.

That would make much more sense.

Oh, my God. It really would.

So, we're all just unrelated children living in the same house... like Michael Jackson's kids?!

Don't say that!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You guys, stop all of this.

Yeah, this news changes nothing...

Nothing.

Except that you all get to come to our first wedding.

Aah!

Okay?

Diane, you're the flower girl.

Jack, you're gonna be the ring bearer.

White tuxedo, black tie.

I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Zoey, you are gonna be my maid of honor!

And, Junior, you get to be my best man.

Oh-ho-ho! Great!

Bachelor party at medieval times!

Nah.

So, we had a bump in the road.

But the kids and Bow and I were back on track.

The question was, could our parents set aside their differences and do the same?

Oh, I'll be damned if I'm gonna eat that.

It's bulgur kernels.

Not everything has to be fried.

It's kernels of bulgur.

The least you could do is fry the hell out of it.

This is what Rainbow grew up eating.

Oh, baby. So that's why you can't cook.

I'll be damned. I've been blaming the victim.

The real victim is Andre...

What?

Who grew up with your limited world view.

Hey, ho, ho, ho. I'm not limited.

Oh, you're not?

Mnh-mnh.

Do you know how to swim?

How do you know that I don't know how to swim?

You do?

You know, 75% of the world is water.

Well, that leaves me 25%.

I ain't greedy.

In many cultures, it's a father's sacred responsibility to teach his son to swim, Earl. I mean, it's...

Oh. That's all you gonna come at me with?

You know, it's a whole lot of stuff I ain't taught him, Alicia.

Listen here, girl. Your daughter can't boil an egg.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You don't know what I can do.

Can you?

I-I can...

I can do... listen.

I can bring Dre back to life if he drowns... which he might, because he can't swim.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look, people.

I'm going nowhere near water, okay?

Because I don't swim.

Not that I can't. I don't swim. See?

Hey, you know what? Let's not even do this.

Let's not. Actually, Dre, you're totally right.

We are not gonna settle this tonight, okay?

Our families are different, but the point is that we are family.

That's not the point.

What's the point?

The point is, they look down on us.

No!

Rainbow: No, they don't, pops.

Y-yes, she does, all right?

"Not everything has to be fried" is code for "stop being so black."

Ha!

No, it's not.

It's code for "stop being so unhealthy."

Ha!

Alicia: Exactly.

You're not obligated to get diabetes.

Ooh!

Dre: Total judgment.

Pops: Tell it.

She thinks she's the good black and she thinks we're the bad black.

Preach.

How is that what you just heard?

That's what I heard.

Dre.

You know, this casserole is delicious. Very beany.

All my mom is saying is that there's nothing wrong with having an expanded world view.

There is a rich panoply of different ways to experience blackness.

None of which include the words "rich panoply."

Now you're sounding like her.

What does that mean? Huh?

You mean I sound intelligent? Cultured? Educated?

Pretentious, bougie, and obnoxious.

No.

Stop. Stop, babe.

[Ruby laughs]

Here we go. Come on, y'all.

Here we go! [Laughs]

[Chuckling] Here we go.

Believe it or not, that was the most lighthearted part of dinner.

Once again, they had pulled us into their drama.

And when they saw what they thought was a chink in our marital armor, they went all-in.

I'm just saying, sometimes the universe opens a window so you can climb out of an unhappy marriage.

You don't have to rush into anything.

It's just us again.

She's in your taillights, baby.

[Humming]

[Groans]

Babe, you realize what's happening here, right?

[Sighs] Our parents are crazy.

Yes, and it's making us crazy.

I got backed into the world's first pro-diabetes position.

You made some very valid arguments, babe.

I was really looking forward to making this happen.

I've been planning this ceremony forever, and I just wanted it to be perfect.

I ordered birds.

Dre! I'm terrified of birds.

I even ordered a convertible Hummer Limo.

I hate those. The birds can fly in.

You know, we can never do anything nice when our parents are around.

[Sighs]

They ruin everything.

I know.

We should go to the courthouse.

What? No!

I planned some pretty badass things with orchids.

I know, but when it's just you and me and the kids, it's about us and not about them, and that's what's important.

Ohh...

I guess you're right. All we really need is a judge.

And a big ring.

And 100 white doves.

Mnh-mnh.

Oh. I'll save that for my next wife.

This is what they're coming to see.

What you guys doing all dressed up?

Wedding's not till Saturday.

For when we go to the courthouse with mom and dad.

The courthouse?

To... Sit in on a m*rder trial...

Of a known drug kingpin.

José Carlos Luis "The Jackal" Carlos.

Bad man.

Right.

And we're definitely not going to see mom and dad get married tomorrow without you because you guys ruin everything.

Oh.

Yeah, right.

Uh, you guys look great.

You look really, really great.

Thank you.

Nailed it!

Are we going to the m*rder trial before the wedding?

That'll be a long day.

I should bring a snack.

Is that whole-grain?

No, but it's not fried, either.

[Sighs]

Our kids are going to get married in a courthouse without us.

We have screwed this thing up for them.

Well...

You more than me.

[Scoffs]

What you trying to prove?

Your old funk-powered bus and your rock deodorant.

It's not a rock. It's a crystal. And it is a natural...

It does not work.

You married a white boy, and you want your daughter to marry a white boy.

That's not true.

I wanted a man that shared my interests, who had the courage to walk mother earth with me.

Oh, negress, please!

You married yourself a white man, splashed on some patchouli, and reinvented yourself.

You are from Memphis, D'Alicia.

Don't be acting like there's not a glass ceiling for women with apostrophes in their name.

The life I built is better than the life I had.

Okay.

I don't like it, but I can respect it.

I don't like it that you walk around with $11,000 in your pocket.

I don't trust banks.

You are such a catch.

Well, maybe I'm not, but you know who is?

My son... Dre, Andre.

He eats bulgur for your daughter.

He would do pretty much anything for her.

It'd be a shame to see them get married in a courthouse 'cause we don't know how to act.

I'll drink to that.

All right. Let me give you a little taste here.

Oh, not that. I don't like brown liquor.

I'm eating white ice cream.

So, in a shocking development, our parents put our wedding back on.

Wear whatever you want, son.

Nobody's gonna be looking at you, anyway.

And everybody got what they wanted.

Alicia got Tibetan throat singers.

[Bell dings]

Moms got her some Jesus.

She called Bishop Don Juan.

I called a minister from this planet.

Pops got a scotch fountain.

And Paul got something he really enjoyed... a front-row seat to Bishop Don Juan's dancing Double Deacons.

And we got what we wanted... our whole family together.

Now is the time I have to ask... if there is anyone here who believes these two should not be united, speak now.

Or forever hold your peace.

I have something I would like to say.

Hmm? What?

Oh, mom. Please, no.

Oh, of course you do.

We may never get along.

Preach.

We may never be best friends.

♪ Well ♪

We may never get through one meal together without insulting one another.

Cook better.

Mama!

Ruby!

But we're family.

Yes.

And the reason we're family is because we are united in our love for you two.

Aww.

Thank you.

Thanks, mom.

And now Dre and Bow will read the vows they prepared for each other.

Oh.

Oh.

Huh?

Babe, did you... you do something?

I didn't do it.

Uh...

Actually, uh, no offense, but, uh, you guys have been such a nightmare that...

Yes. Nightmare.

We didn't have time to write any vows.

Mnh-mnh.

No offense taken, son.

Just go ahead. Speak from your heart.

Nobody's gonna remember what he says anyway.

[Both chuckle]

Dre...

Hmm?

I promise to love, honor, and Cherish you.

Ah.

So you just gonna take all the good ones right off the top, huh?

Dre, stop it.

Oh, no. Okay. Okay.

Bow, you believed in me when no one else did.

And to this day, I still don't know why a woman so beautiful who was almost done with med school would bet on me when she had a far better hand.

But I'm so, so glad that she did.

Me too.

[Gong rings, tibetans throat-singing]

Oh! Oh! Oh, hey, hey, hey.

No... uh, n-not right now.

Hold on. I'm not done yet.

Um...

But I do have one regret.

What? What do you mean?

I wasn't able to get you the ring that you wanted.

Dre, it's fine.

I love the old one, sweetie. I love it.

Oh, girl. I'm just playing. [Snaps fingers]

What?

Give it to me, son.

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God. [Chuckles]

Bam!

Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

Oh... My God.

By the power vested in me...

And me.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Come here. Kiss your bride!

[All cheer]

[Earth, Wind & Fire's "September" plays]

♪ Do you remember ♪
♪ The 21st night of September? ♪
♪ Love was changing the minds of pretenders ♪
♪ While chasing the clouds away ♪

Baby, throw your bouquet.

♪ Ba de ya ♪
♪ Say, do you remember? ♪

Give it... give it to me!

♪ Ba de ya ♪

Rainbow: Ruby!

♪ Dancing in September ♪
♪ Ba de ya ♪

[Laughter]

Guys!

Huh?

You're still married.

What?

I read the small print on the saturnology website, and it says all marriages before 2002 are still valid.

Wait. You mean we were married this whole time?

Yep. Which means I'm not a bastard.

Dad is my dad.

We really are twins!

Hold up, friend.

Let's see what the tests say.

Sorry, Zoey. We can't all be legit.

Well, at least my dad can hit a jumper.

Hey, enough talk about Rick Fox, all right?

Your mother has never met Rick Fox.

Right, babe?

Right, babe?

Huh? Hmm?

Oh. Wha...

Such a beautiful day out.

Look at the trees.

Oh! Lovely trees.