01x19 - The Real World

[bunniefuu]

Facebook was founded 10 years ago by a teenage smart-ass. Ever since then, people have been predicting when it would stop being cool. But I know when. Last week, when my wife signed up.

[Laughs] Dre, look at this...

A puppy becomes friends with a python.

They love each other. It's so cute.

Keep watching. It gets less cute.

[Gasps] Oh!

Gosh. Oh, Dre, Shawn and Lance said that they're gonna be in town next week and they want to get together.

That was in a private message.

Yeah, everybody says that, nobody means it.

If you haven't seen each other in forever, there's a reason why.

Dre, I don't understand why you're such an ass when it comes to my college friends.

Oh, you don't?

No.

Mm, look at this right here.

What?

Look at the united colors of benetton posers.

They think they're so cool because they're the picture of diversity.

Mixed Bow, Asian Maisie, Fat Shawn, and Black Lance.

You really stretched yourselves on those nicknames.

Those weren't our nicknames, Dre.

You just came up with those right now.

Asian Maisie looks so great.

[Scoffs]

She thinks she's famous just because she was on "The Real World."

Dre, she dated David Spade.

Name me one David Spade movie.

"Tommy Boy," "Black Sheep,"

"Lost & Found," "Joe Dirt,"

"Grown Ups," "Grown Ups 2"...

Okay, okay!

I said, "one." All right.

And what's up with you and David Spade?

You know what?

Of all those people in that group, you know who annoys me the most?

Lance?

Dre, come on.

We dated in the '90s. Get over it.

No. You.

Wha...

You get so fake when you're around them.

You're so thirsty to impress these clowns, you turn into "Big Word Bow."

That's ludicrous and preposterous.

See?

You know what?

I'm gonna invite them over here, and we are gonna have a dinner party.

Ha ha!

That sounds like so much fun... for you.

Dre, you're coming, okay?

And this time, you're gonna turn it on.

I'm always on.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

Do you remember the last time?

The whole night, you were busy putting olive pits in the peanut bowl, sitting there doing your dead face.

What's my "dead face"?

That's just my face.

Yeah, I know, Dre.

I had to Photoshop our whole wedding album.

What?

So, she wants you to host a party for her old college friends, that you don't even like, and you gotta show up and you gotta be all fun, and you gotta give them top-shelf Dre?

Dre: Yep.

Look, my ex-wife sh*t me, which wasn't cool, but to make you hang out with her old boyfriend is just next level.

Look, I'm not worried about dude, okay?

I mean, that's old-school, right, Curtis?

Not wanting to kick it with a dude that smashed your wife is not old-school.

That's just school.

Look, man, Lance is not a thr*at.

He wears a smedium and chalks in his hairline...

Basically, old boy's the black David Spade.

You know what's underrated?

"Dickie Roberts: Former child star."

You know, none of this would be so bad if I had some of my people there, but I don't have the heart to subject anybody that I care about to Bow and her friends.

So, do you guys want to come?

Hell, yeah. I'm already there.

[Clears throat] Um, does the girl twin still live with you?

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Not a fan.

But I've been locked out of my house for a few days, so... I'll come.

The night of the party, Bow turned it up like the Obamas were coming.

I don't know why she felt the need to impress these folks, but she did.

She was even wearing a caftan.

Hey, mom.

Hey, baby.

[Gasps] Oh, food!

Oh, no, don't touch that.

Don't touch that!

Don't touch that!

It's my inhaler. I need this to live.

Take a hit and b*at it. I don't need you passing out in here.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, goodness.

Whoo! Mommy is wound up. [Laughs]

My guests are gonna be here any minute.

Great, I'll show them my new dance moves.

Oh, look at that. Oh, careful, careful!

My champagne Mountain.

Again, so sorry... A little wound up.

Okay, but you know what?

Why don't you guys head on upstairs and then, uh, when I call you back downstairs, it'll be just like we planned, right?

You'll be smiling and smiling and laughing...

[Laughs theatrically]

And we're leaving, and we're smiling.

'Cause she's crazy, so we're hurrying.

Hey, babe.

Huh?

How do I look?

Acceptable.

Okay, so, the guests are gonna arrive precisely at 8:00 p.m.

All right, well, in Charlie's case, that could be 8:00 or 11:45.

[Doorbell rings] Nice.

Or 6:30.

So glad you invited him, Dre.

[Sighs]

[Dog barks in distance]

Diane.

Charles.

Okay, drinks and hors d'oeuvres for about an hour, and then at 9:15, I will spontaneously come up with the idea for a party game, just out of nowhere.

And what time do I spontaneously blow my brains out, just out of nowhere?

Dre, you promised you were gonna be on tonight.

All right, all right, all right. Let me warm up, okay?

Okay.

Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.

Bio-pic, biopic, bio-pic, biopic.

You know New York, you need New York, you know you need unique New York.

Ooh, I'm gonna m*rder this.

Mm-hmm.

I can't believe mom knows someone who was on "Real World."

How is this even a reality show?

No one's singing, cooking, or exploiting their children.

What's that line down the front of their jeans?

I believe that's called a crease.

You have to understand, it was 1994.

Television itself was in its infancy.

You had to be there at a certain time to watch a show or it was gone... forever!

Wait. No pause button? No DVR?

And you had to watch the commercials.

What?!

What?!

This is really boring.

We could do better than that.

We can do better.

Why don't we sh**t our own reality show here tonight?

We'll have Maisie downstairs, but older and more desperate.

Now, that's TV.

Right? Junior, you'll sh**t and direct, and I'll be executive producer.

Why do you get to be executive producer if I'm the one doing all the work?

Because I'm a people person and I look great in a blazer.

Diane, you're in charge of lighting, and, Jack, you're a teamster.

Great! I'm on a break.

Guys, get ready for...

"The Real World: Old people eating cheese."

So, the kids had a project for the night.

Let's meet our cast of characters.

Ahh!

There's Big Word Bow.

You look absolutely pulchritudinous!

You had former reality star Maisie.

Is that a Sushi tower?

It is.

You know who loves Sushi? David.

Mm.

David Spade.

Yeah.

We dated.

Y-you knew that, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. He bought me a Subaru.

A Subaru.

And then there was Bow's old boyfriend...

Guys? It's Lance.

Bland Lance.

Dre: Oh, what up, Lance?

Do you have any room-temperature water?

[Chuckles] Yeah.

So, that chump is your wife's former lover?

I'm cooler than him.

Dre, it looks like this dude got his suit at build-a-bear.

Hey, baby.

Shawn: Hi.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who is that?

Rainbow: Hi!

Ahh!

[Both shrieking]

Shawn?

Fat Shawn?

Turns out, she'd become "Phat Shawn."

[Laughs]

Damn, that is one thick snow bunny.

I swear to God I wish I would have said that.

She lost a lot of weight!

But kept it in all the right places.

Mm. My man made a very strong move.

Very strong.

Hey, Lance, I see you, brother.

He bought low.

He's the Warren Buffett of Biggums.

The nostradamus of thick chicks... "Thickadamus."

Do you guys want to see the rest of the house?

Yeah.

Of course.

Come on, follow me.

All right.

[Chuckles]

Thanks for bringing us all together.

Oh, sure. Gosh, I just thought it'd be really pleasurable, you know, to have a convivial soiree at my humble domicile.

[Laughs] That's a good one, man.

How adorable is that? They're finally getting along.

Hey, tell me about this, man.

Is that all squats, or does she run stairs?

Because how did that happen?

Rainbow: Hey, guys.

I'm so glad you guys are getting along.

I know, right?

To be honest, Dre, I never thought you would get past the fact that Lance and Bow were engaged.

[Spits] Mm.

Well, it... it... That's... it was...

Uh, uh, no, no, no. Wait. Did you just say "engaged"?

Well, I mean... [laughing] Come on.

I wouldn't... I wouldn't call it...

I wouldn't call it "engaged."

Well, what would you call it when one person asks another person to marry him and she says "yes" and then he buys her a ring and then they invite all their friends to Applebee's for jalapeño poppers?

Both: Engaged.

Or like a party. [Laughs] It's like...

Wow. This just stopped being polite...

And got really real.

Whoa. Lance would have been our dad?

And Shawn would have been our mom?

So hot!

She would have been your mom.

Dre: Bow.

Rainbow: Uh-huh?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure, sweetie.

Now.

Just a second.

Um, enjoy the food, and I'm gonna refill...

Come on.

I think he wants a refill.

Sweetheart. Yeah, we were engaged, but it was, like, so long ago.

It was like for 10 minutes, and we were young and we were stupid, and, like, we went five-way Dutch on jalapeño poppers.

I mean, I didn't even get any and Shawn ate...

I-I should have told you.

I should have told you, and I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Babe, I'm really gonna surprise you now...

I get it.

Seriously?

Huh!

Yes, it's ancient history.

Yeah.

Plus, there's plenty of things I haven't told you about.

Wait, what what, now?

But the point is, all of our secrets are out in the open now.

But... but you didn't tell me...

Ah, ah, ah, let's not forget who's in the hot seat.

Actually, you're just lucky that you married a man like me... magnanimous.

See?

Hmm.

We're meant to be.

If Lance hadn't broken it off with me, I never would have met you, my Dre.

Oh.

Thanks, baby.

Hold on.

Did she just say Lance dumped her?

Who the hell am I married to?

This is crazy, man.

I always saw me and Bow as this power couple...

The dumpers, not the dumpees.

Curtis: And you still are, boss.

Look, who cares if he looked her dead in the face and said, "there's no way I want to go further with this"?

That's his thing. One man's trash, right?

No!

Man, Bow and I are A-listers.

[Stammers] Jay and Bey.

Look, I'm just worried that now I'm Jay and she's one of those other girls...

Destiny's illegitimate child, Hazel.

Hey, Dre, get out of your head, man.

Look at me. I always get dumped.

That don't make me a loser, you know?

Dre, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a man dating a woman who's been dumped.

You don't think so?

No, man.

I almost exclusively date women who have been dumped.

I'll wait outside the club by the street meat cart, looking for girls to stumble out at closing with runny mascara and a broken heel.

Then your boy Josh goes to wiz-erk!

I'll whisper in their ear, "you can do better.

You can do better. Shh, shh, shh.

But not tonight." Mm? [Laughs]

Feel better?

No.

Okay.

Look, just let it go, boss.

Okay, you start digging in a cemetery, all you gonna find is dead bodies.

You know, you right, Curtis. You're right.

You know, I'm gonna leave it alone.

I did not leave it alone.

Hey, Lance. More scotch?

Oh, thank you.

All right.

I told you that Lance and I were engaged. Of course I did!

Money. "Old people eating cheese" just graduated to "mom's secret fiancé could wreck her marriage."

Why is there so much footage of that lady's butt?

It's called "ambient b-roll," and I need it.

[Gasps] We need it. [Chuckles weakly]

I need it.

We still need to find a villain in all this.

There's a villain in our house?

Like... Like Bane?

No. All reality shows have a villain...

The drama queen you love to hate, your Snookis, your Omarosas, your Bryant Gumbels.

Now let's go find ours.

My money's on Maisie.

Jack: Really? Why her?

I saw her double dip in the Ponzu.

Dirty, dirty girl.

Kind of crazy finding out that you and Bow were engaged and everything.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

All these years, I assumed you knew.

It's cool.

Hey, just curious how it all ended.

You know, was it the type of thing where you saw the writing on the wall with a girl that spectacular?

You know, did you dump her before she dumped you?

Hey, hey, no shame in that game, playboy.

I don't know. Who can remember? It was college.

College. I get it.

A little experimental phase, huh?

Not sure what team you were playing for.

Yeah, no, no, had to clear the deck for Mr. Right.

Dre, I'm not gay.

You've been staring at my wife all night.

In fact, you're doing it right now.

Huh?

Look, man, if I had to dig deep here, I guess I had to end things with Bow because... she was still not over Brian.

Who's Brian?

The guy who dumped her after Mike.

What?!

I have had a spontaneous idea... let's play a game!

This isn't gonna be the type of thing where we're gonna get naked, are we?

Hmm?

Full disclosure?

I had a botched circumcision a few years ago.

Just so you know.

What about celebrity charades, huh?

Dre: Oh!

I actually had a different kind of game in mind.

Really?

Yeah.

So, I'm not proud of how this is about to go down, but I needed answers.

All right.

Everybody know how to play "I never"?

It's where I say something I have never done, like, "I have never been dumped by a guy named Brian."

Wait, what?

Maisie: Oh, I'll explain.

You've been dumped by a guy named Brian...

Yes, thank you.

Oh!

So you drink.

Okay.

There you go.

Maisie: I'll go next.

I've never spent a Thanksgiving meeting David Spade's parents.

Oh, that's me!

Yeah, that's her.

[Laughs] All right.

Okay, I'm gonna go next. I'm gonna go next.

I never had to balance having four children while managing a very challenging medical career.

Oh.

Ho-ho!

Down the hatch!

All right.

Mm-hmm.

Ah.

Okay, okay. I have one.

I have never been dumped by more than three people in college.

Yes.

Ha, Josh!

Josh!

Drink up, Bow.

Oh, you too, huh?

Yeah, thank you, Shawn. Yeah.

Dre: [Laughs] See? This is fun.

Well, anybody else have any stories about Bow?

Lance, I'm sure you're sitting on a couple of gems. Dre...

Oh, hell yeah. I never had "finals baldness."

What?

[Stammers]

It's called stress-related alopecia, and millions of Americans suffer from it.

Yes, so I'm not embarrassed. I will drink.

Oh, let's go back to an old favorite of mine.

I have never been dumped by more than four people in college.

Drink! Drink!

[Laughs]

Five?

Together: Drink!

Six people?

Drink, drink, drink!

Seven?

[Laughter]

Damn.

Okay, yeah, obviously I have a few skeletons in my closet.

Ohh!

More than eight?

Together: Drink!

[Laughter] Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Enough! Enough! Why are you attacking me?!

This is not how the night was supposed to go.

You guys were just supposed to admire my bangles and... and eat my almonds and just watch me float like an angel!

Oh, God!

Oh, my I'm...

Oh, my God. Mom's the villain.

I'm gonna win an Emmy.

[Crying] I'm in a bad way.

Bow!

I'm buttoning up, so get off of me.

All right, let me make you some coffee.

I don't want coffee.

Uh, where do you keep your cubed ham?

What the hell?

Two fire extinguishers and no ham.

I mean, that's just crazy.

Charlie, can you give us a moment?

You better not let it burn.

What?! [Scoffs]

What is going on with you?

What's going on with you?!

Dre, why were you trying to take me down during "I never"?

Because when I found out you got dumped, I needed to know how dumped you were.

Who knew the depths of your dumped-ness?

[Sighs] Hey, have you ever ended a relationship?

I'm about to.

Look, I know I acted crazy, but I always saw you as this brilliant heartbreaker, and then I find out that these dudes told you to kick rocks.

Hell, I started to spiral.

You know, I didn't have it all together when I was in college.

And maybe it's obnoxious, but invited these people over here so they could see how great my life turned out for me.

And now they think I'm a lunatic!

They might also think you have a drinking problem.

[Chokes]

Oh.

Hey, hey. Charlie, Charlie!

Use your words. What?

What's happening?

[Raspy voice] I ate peanut sauce.

Mm-hmm.

Dying!

Okay. Okay.

Allergic.

Okay. Okay.

Throat closing.

It's gonna be all right.

Good sauce, though... m*rder*r!

Okay, nobody panic. Nobody panic.

Do you have an epipen handy?

In my car.

Okay, great, I'll go get it.

Go get it, thank you.

I'll go get it.

Car got repo'd.

Oh, God. Okay.

What?!

It's okay.

Hitchhiked underrated form of transportation.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Okay, everybody just step back, please.

Step back, step back.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, come on.

Dre, Dre, lay him down on the counter.

I got him. I got him. Come on, get up here, Charlie.

Lay him back. Quick, get up here.

Charlie, you gonna be all right, okay?

Everything's gonna be okay.

Dre, get me a steak Kn*fe and a juice box.

Wapple apple or Berry Berry wild?

Just bring me the damn straw, Dre.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Curtis, I need you to call an ambulance.

♪ I go to work like a doctor ♪
♪ when I rock the mic you got to like the way I operate ♪
♪ I make miracles happen just from rappin' ♪

Got it.

♪ I'm so lyrically potent and I'm flowin' and explodin' ♪
♪ work, work ♪
♪ work, work ♪
♪ work, work ♪
♪ I go to work ♪

Sit up.

[Sighs]

Charlie, you're gonna be okay, all right?

There's not even gonna be a scar.

♪ I go to work! ♪

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

I never saved a man's life on my kitchen counter with a steak Kn*fe and a bendy straw.

[Slurps]

Boom.

This is amazing!

Villain becomes hero. We did it!

We have it.

Uh... let's say hypothetically that we don't have it, but, good news...

Got a lot of head to toe on Shawn.

[Sighs]

Babe?

Is everybody gone?

Well...

It turns out things start winding down once you plunge a Kn*fe into somebody's neck.

What a bust of a party.

Hey, babe, they'll never forget it.

Dre...

And plus, you never have to worry about impressing them again.

You saved a man's life.

[Sighs]

So what if it was Charlie's? Still counts.

You know why I'm good at that?

Hmm?

Because I studied my ass off, so much so that I was a terrible girlfriend.

Mm?

I even skipped a boyfriend's birthday so I could dissect a fetal pig, and I do not regret it.

Disgusting...

Mm-hmm.

And selfish.

Yes.

And then you came along, Dre, and you changed everything.

I was so busy trying to make you think I was perfect, I almost flunked out of med school.

Hey, babe, you didn't have to do that for me.

I didn't?

Hell no.

Because from the moment I met you, I knew that you weren't perfect.

Dre.

Hell, you thought the greatest rapper of all time was that dude from P.M. dawn.

He's really good.

Hey.

But I knew you were perfect for me.

Hmm?

That's my baby. Come on.

Aw.

Mm!

And now all our secrets are out.

Yes, they are...

Yeah.

More or less.

Hey!

You need to start talking or I will trach you right now.

Oh, you gonna have to cut it out of me, then.

Okay, fine.

Come on, come on, come on.

No, I don't want to cut it, just tell me.

Cut it out of me! Come on, come get me! [Laughs]

This looks so beautiful. I wish I could eat it.

[Laughs]

Thanks for bringing us all together.

Shawn: I am impressed with Bow's life now.

It looks like she has her stuff together.

I mean, she was a bit of a hot mess tonight.

I wanted all these people to see how great my life turned out for me!

Maisie: Bow might be a little intimidated by the fact that I'm famous.

David used to say that star quality is something that you just can't buy, so I wouldn't blame her.

No, I know he's in town, 'cause I saw him on TMZ.

Just... maybe he checked in under a different name?

Try, um... Dirt, Joe.

Josh: I knew Maisie's breakup with Spade was ancient history, but the wounds were still fresh.

That's when old Joshy boy started circling the airport.

Flight 69-69, you are cleared for landing.

Hey, you look like you could use a massage.

Dre, Dre, Dre, give me my caftan, please!

Junior: I'm gonna win an Emmy.

Your what?

My diaphanous caftan!

Zoey: Junior, get back on mom.

[Muttering]

I wish I could say I was surprised.

Get off, Dre. I got it.

Let's be honest, she's always been a bit of a train wreck.

Down the hatch. [Laughs]

All right.

It's scary walking around, knowing this could happen to me.

Who am I kidding? It won't happen to me.

It'll happen to him.

Probably.

I'm a hot mess.