01x20 - Switch Hitting

[bunniefuu]

Dre: It's been said black people have a double consciousness.

We have our mainstream selves to be in "The Man's" world, and we have our down-home selves for the brothers.

Some of us handle the switch effortlessly.

[Applause]

[Needle scratches]

♪ Dope boys, my... ♪
♪ My... My... ♪
♪ Y.G., my... ♪

Some of us have trouble.

What really happened on that Thursday...

[Insect buzzing] ... Here at Augusta High School that led to Chris Wood's death.

What the [Bleep] is that?!

[Bleep]

I'm dyin' in this [Bleep] country-ass [Bleep] town.

I was always one of those who handled it perfectly, but no more switching back and forth for me.

From now on, I'm keepin' it real, one hundred... damn it. I mean, a hunnit.

You may be wondering how I got to this very real place.

Well, if you believe every Hollywood movie ever made, the same way any black guy gets anywhere... with the help of a white guy.

And for me, it was this white guy.

As a black man in corporate America, my days are pretty much filled with a series of awkward handshakes.

Hey.

There's the fist grab... the sexy finger lock, and my favorite... the half air ball into a full intimate embrace.

Ahh.

All right, all right. No.

No.

But every once in a while, something happens that really rattles me.

The awkward one ends up being me.

Andre Johnson, this is Jay Simmons.

Hey, how are you?

Oh, you're gonna do that, huh?

It's all good.

Yeah, Andre's feeling a little under the weather.

It's a light ebola scare, but, uh... ah...

Oh! And this is Charlie Telphy.

Hey, what up?

Hey.

Ahh.

[Both chuckle]

Unh, unh.

All right. Okay. [Chuckles]

Let me show you.

Charlie... do you know dude?

Nah, just met him? Why? What's up?

There was a spin in your handshake.

Oh, we reversed the spin so we can get a nice backhand slap before the snap.

What?

No big deal, Dre. We just felt it.

You know how it is, right?

Eh?

Yeah, you know how it is.

Guys, although boxable.com is already one of the biggest e-commerce marketplaces on the web, they're interested in expanding their customer base, so Jay's here to see how we can help them market it to the urban community.

Jay: See, y'all don't know me, but I don't play none of this Hollywood rah-rah-ish, okay?

But when I heard your urban division was the truth, I had to come check y'all out.

The bottom line is, we want black folks to start feeling us more.

You feel me?

So, tell me why I should get down with you guys and help us start getting felt.

Oh, you are gonna get felt like you were on a Japanese subway at rush hour.

[Chuckles]

That's actually not a r*cist comment.

It's considered rude not to grope if you're on the Asian subways.

Known fact... per my father.

Mommy, we have to make a living museum of famous Americans, and we need someone to help us.

What's a living museum?

It's like a costume we wear, and then we write some stuff that explains who our hero is.

Sounds fun! I'd be happy to help.

No offense, mom, but you're not really that creative.

Or fun to work with.

But I'm sure Zoey and Junior had to do this when they were our age.

They could be very helpful!

Can't... swamped.

Yeah. Hard pass for me, too.

Okay, well, listen.

I might not be creative Or fun to work with.

You made that point, Jack.

But check this out.

Watch what I can do. Zoey, Junior, help them.

But we really...

Now!

Or I will make you move out!

Not graceful, but effective.

Very effective.

In keeping with your company's ultimate goal in broadening its market share to include the urban consumer, Stevens & Lido, with our peerless mastery of the African-American psychographic, is uniquely poised to help you gain penetration into this highly desired community.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

So, is that it?

Uh, we also offer compet... competitive rates and, uh, day passes to the gym downstairs.

Okay, okay. But that's it, though.

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

What about you, Cochise? What you got?

[Clears throat] Um...

Uh... [clears throat]

I think y'all should stop leaving stuff on people's Porches.

Uh, uh, black people don't like stuff left on they Porch 'cause sometimes we don't get our stuff.

I think you should start like a boxable.com "leave it at your play cousin's" account.

Or like a boxable, um, "leave it in the bushes" account, you know.

Like, uh, I think about having an in-office fish fry, but, um, I don't want my cornmeal being dropped off on my doorstep 'cause I might not never get my cornmeal.

[Chuckles]

My neighbor been stealing my cornmeal.

You see? You see what I'm saying?

Hmm? What?

You see, that was crazy, man!

Yo, see, my man right here... he gets it.

Black folks don't want their stuff stole.

That's genius, man!

This dude right here... he got his ears to the street.

Well, um, I-I guess we could conduct targeted algorithmic customer fee... what? Algo... nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, man.

I want what he said, man.

That's why Charlie is such an important part of the team.

It seems like he's the most important part of the team, man.

Yo, Charlie, can get some of those sunflower seeds, though?

Fo sho'. Uh, I also have chipotle-flavored corn nuts.

Ooh! I love that spicy ethnic food, huh?

No doubt. Blaw!

Yo, man. Bust me a nut.

That did not come out right.

All right, so, look, I want you guys to come up with a complete marketing pitch by the end of the week, but nothing corny, okay?

Corny? Us? No way.

Charlie, you feel me, right?

Nothing corny, okay?

Yo.

Charlie Doo-wop!

Can you believe this, though?

This white dude is questioning me about my blackness.

Huh, I wonder what that's like, somebody constantly questioning your blackness...

Just because you misquoted the lyrics to "Ain't No Fun."

Why would Nate Dogg sing,

"And You Even Lit My Halls," huh?

Context, Bow. Context.

I'm sorry. I just don't understand what the problem is with this guy.

He told me not to make it corny.

Okay.

Me.

Well, you do tend to lean towards corniness, son.

What?

Oh, don't look all hurt like that.

Corniness is a side effect of being your mama's child.

Uh, what part of anything that you're saying shouldn't hurt my feelings?

I'm just saying that this is what happens when you try to play footsies in between both worlds for too long.

Take it from me, son You're a sellout.

Sellout!

I remember the day it happened!

You stopped saying "nah mean?"

And started saying "you know what I mean?"

Saddest day of my life.

I went from knowing what you were talking about to thinking you were asking me if I really knew what you were talking about.

Damn shame.

All right. And here, pops. This came for you.

[Coughing]

[Gags]

Internal revenue service, collection division.

It's happening again.

They're gonna put me underneath the jail this time.

What...

The next day, I went in more determined than ever to show white Jay what black Dre was all about.

Obviously, we've got to generate a huge social media presence, all right?

Now, if there's one thing I know about black folks, we love our Twitter.

And big butts.

Big booty!

I'm getting way too comfortable, aren't I?

Oh, way too comfortable.

I'm sorry.

Yo, Dre, what the deal, dunny?

Did you just call me "dummy"?

Nah, I called you "dunny," like dun, like "what the deal, son," but with a "D," though.

Come on, Dre, it's son with a "D."

I mean, this is pretty basic stuff here.

So, uh, listen, man. I-I've been thinking, uh...

I'm not sure you're the right dude to lead up this campaign.

Excuse me?

I-I'm saying, you know, I've been watching you, Dre-Dre, and I'm just... I'm not sure you keep real enough, you feel me?

Hey, Preston, no biggie at all.

Hey, just circle the wagons and ring-a-ding-ding your bud back.

Ciao. [Receiver clicks]

Whoo! Okay, home slices.

Oh, I've got the organic humus, the kettle corn from the farmers' market, so no one can say that Dre doesn't get the par-tay star-tayed.

The angle was off when I did that.

Unh.

Josh: Oh.

See? I do it like that.

See, that dude, Charlie, though?

That dude is wild for the night.

That dude, he just gets it across the board.

Charlie Telphy?

Come on, man. He takes every other Monday off.

He calls it double Sunday.

[Laughs] Word? He calls it double Sunday.

See, that's branding.

My man right there... he keeps it all the way real.

Jay, I don't think you know what you're saying, man.

I-I'm from Compton, all right? I keep it one hundred.

I don't think you know what you talkin' about.

See, I'm from the Bronx. I'm from the BX, baby.

And it's keeping it a hunnit, not "I keep it one hundred."

You corny, Duke.

Oh, okay.

Really basic stuff here, Dre.

But you know what? With all due respect, Jay, I don't think you know who I really am.

Oh, word?

Dre, hey. You were so right.

"The Good Wife" is totally "Girls" meets "Downton Abbey."

Thanks for the reco.

[Chuckles]

I couldn't believe it.

This white dude was actually thinking of putting Charlie over me.

White Jay was going to put Charles in charge of me!

Yo, hot sauce on goldfish? That's genius.

I like to call it "hotfish."

Yo, do you ever turn it off?

No.

[Giggles]

Look at those guys.

If Charlie get this account, he'll be my boss.

Can you imagine that?

Two-piece cat, hush puppies with fries, and 'tatah salad!

We're almost of of slaw!

I said 'tatah salad!

You don't know the difference between 'tatah salad and cole slaw, Dre?

Man, I really don't think he do.

Could not be more basic.

Aah!

I got to make a big move.

I got it.

I'm gonna invite Jay to my house for dinner.

Brilliant.

Mm-hmm.

Invite Jay over for a home-cooked meal to distract him from how corny you are by using "those people" you live with.

"Those people" are my black family, the exact demographic that Jay's looking for.

I don't understand.

But I do want to come to dinner.

Absolutely not.

[Sighs]

So, what do you need me to do for your project?

You just sit there and look pretty.

I was really hoping for Junior's help.

What? But why not me?

Well, no offense, but this is an academic project, so...

I'm academic. I get almost straight A's.

Yeah, but that's only for looks.

You don't really care about school.

Junior: Preach!

It's like I always say,

"A's are like the new skinny jeans... everybody's getting them, but nobody really looks good in them."

Yeah.

That makes no sense.

Anyway, Diane, I'll lend you my superior intellect.

Sorry, Jack.

Jack: I don't care.

I was actually going to ask Zoey to help me.

This project is all about presentation, and nerds do not know about presentation.

Oh, so I'm a nerd?

If the glasses fit.

Oh, I think they fit.

Mm-hmm.

Tax man's coming.

What?

I don't know when, but I got to be ready.

Found these in Dre's closet. Which one?

I think this says "sellout."

Uh-huh.

And I think this says "I'm harmless," you know, forgettable.

Are you okay, pops?

My daddy told me there ain't but three things in life a black man's got to do... stay black, pay taxes, and die.

I got to say, the black-man rules don't seem too hard.

The I.R.S. came after my daddy, scared his black ass white as a ghost.

Wouldn't let the poor man die until he paid what he owed.

Poor bastard lived to be 126.

126!

Pops, I think you're gonna be fine.

You do?

Yeah!

There were a couple of doctors at work that got audited, and it all worked itself out.

Really? What happened?

Well, let's see. There was Dr. Davis.

And he showed them his paperwork, and they left him alone.

It was no biggie.

And then Dr. Patel, and... oh, yeah.

What?

He k*lled himself.

But that was because his wife left him.

Because the I.R.S. took all his money.

What else is in that bag?

Not enough.

[Growls softly]

Hey, Bow?

Yeah?

All right, did you get my message?

Operation keepin' it real... it's a go.

Yeah, I got your message here, but it sounded like you were calling me from a kennel.

W... which now makes sense.

What happened to your hair?

Huh?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is a "keepin' it real" evening.

I need your curls, Bow.

Hey, hey, hey. No! Dre, stop it!

I need your curls. I need your curls.

Stop, stop!

What?

Dre, I know want to keep it super real, okay?

But it took me a month to get this appointment.

Okay. Look at it.

Okay, okay, you know what? Cornrows.

I want everybody in cornrows.

We're gonna have cornrow line from biggest to smallest.

And Junior... he can anchor the rear in a do-rag.

We're not braiding our hair.

All right, fine.

You stay down here and prepare dinner.

I'll go upstairs, and I'll get ready.

Hey, whatever you do, do not pet this dog.

All right? Or startle him.

Or, God forbid, speak Spanish.

He's got a lot of triggers.

So, my famous American hero that I chose...

Zoey: Look.

I don't know or care anything about your "hero," but I think we should go with a Japanese selvedge denim and cotton blend for our costume fabric base.

It says, "yeah, we're high-end, but we're also American."

Buh-bang, buh-bang! [Exhales sharply]

Junior: We have to approach this project with the same kind of fervor and attention I approached my Dungeon & Dragons career with.

"Career" feels like a strong word.

I went from level 1 to creating my own plane of existence...

before high school.

I played this all wrong. I played this all wrong.

So, Jack and Diane had their epiphany, and mine was on its way, which brings us back to where we started.

Time to go keep it one hundred.

Oh, damn it! I mean a hunnit!

So, we had to run from five-o and hid in a dumpster.

Had to stay there overnight in the dumpster.

Hold on a second.

Realness! Shut up!

My dog's name is Realness.

Oh, word?

But he don't listen real good, though, huh?

He don't listen to nobody That's how real he is.

No doubt.

Uh-huh.

Respect that.

No doubt.

Hey, hey, hey. Son, what are you doing wearing that?

Uh, it's Tuesday after 6:00.

Please call me Wizzle-dor.

A-wha?

No, hold on.

Realness! att*ck Wizzle-dor!

att*ck El Wizzle-doro!

Sic huevos!

Andele! Andele!

Let me ask.

Hey, dad, my friend Margot wants to be ironic for her birthday and go to a Jason Mraz acoustic jam on Saturday.

Phillip Phillips is beatboxing as his opener.

[Scoffs]

So, can I go, please?

Okay, whatever, whatever. Just get out of here.

Bye. Bye.

Bow, soul food, please!

Coming.

Yes! That is what I'm talkin' about.

I've been waiting on this all day, Rainbow. Let's get it.

What's going on downstairs?

Some dude's making dad act all weird.

White man in a suit?

Leather jacket.

Undercover. Sneaky.

Okay, Mr. Tax Man, you want to dance?

We can dance.

This is my take on collard greens.

Jay: Oh, my goodness!

I love me some collard green, girl.

Yeah, but they're made out of kale.

I call them kale-ard greens.

Stupid full of iron.

Stupid.

Oh, God.

Oh, I also made mac and cheese.

I love me some mac and cheese.

Might put me in the grave, but at least I'm gonna be in the grave smilin'.

Well, nobody's gonna be dying from my Mac and cheese.

It's vegan.

Of course it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You got vegan Mac and cheese?

But aren't the main ingredients butter and cheese?

Yeah! [Laughs]

But I used olive oil and teese.

What?

Teese is like cheese, but it's actually...

No, no, no.

I get it, I get it.

Jack: Daddy, check out our costumes.

What the hell are you two wearing?!

I'm my hero, Sarah Palin.

I came within a few votes of the vice presidency.

I would have won if not for the liberal "gotcha" media.

My hero's the godfather of hip-hip...

Vanilla Ice.

What?

[Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" plays]

What?

Jay: Yo, you buggin', shorty.

He is... he is buggin' the hell out.

Yo, don't hurt yourself.

Hey, hey, hey, stop this dancing.

Stop this dancing.

Okay, look, go upstairs.

Go upstairs and change for dinner.

Man, these kids these days.

My son Toby keeps stealing my car and going joyriding.

He's crazy.

Oh, if he keeps doing that, why don't you cut his foot off and call him Kunta Kinte?

[Both laugh]

Kunta Kinte was about that life.

He was thuggish ruggish for real, though.

Why are you guys laughing? That is so brutal.

Oh, what? Babe, babe, babe, we're just talking about "roots," all right?

Oh, yeah, r... oh, "roots."

Yeah, mm-hmm. "Roots."

W-well, of course. [Chuckles] "Roots."

Yeah, I mean, the Kente Kunta is, uh...

Very powerful.

That movie was I got chills.

[Chuckles]

You know what's missing from this moment?

Hot sauce!

Hot sauce for the Mac and teese.

You know, I have a whole case of it in the pantry.

Baby, come help me get the case of hot sauce out the pantry, please.

[Door closes]

Oh, good evening, old man. So good to see you.

Let me apologize for my tardiness.

I had a meeting at the g*n club that ran a little long.

It wasn't until I was in the prius and switched it on that I realized I had left my attaché case on the squash court.

So, shall we, um, get to the business at hand?

No doubt.

Very well.

I have a little something-something for you, as the kids like to say.

I think you'll find everything to your liking and in perfect order.

Thanks.

No, no. Thank you.

And good day.

Hey, pops. What are you doing?

I said, "good day," sir.

So, my attempt to keep it real for Jay had failed.

And my lesson on "roots" wasn't faring much better.

Wait.

Hmm?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is that O.J.?

Yeah.

People have been hounding me to watch an O.J. movie?

Where the father from "Brady Bunch" plays a sl*ve owner?

[Sighs]

This is insane.

I'm gonna go catch up on my "Empires."

[Sighs]

What you sittin' around with your head droopin' down for?

You didn't try to bribe the wrong white guy.

Pops, my career is over.

I'm about to lose this account to Charlie.

He lives in his car.

He put a humidifier in it.

Listen to me, son.

Don't let some white man convince you that your ability to move between both worlds is something you shouldn't be proud of.

What?

Being able to switch it up is a necessity.

And the way you do it... smooth, son, smooth, like a superhero.

I mean, I'm almost jealous.

How much of my scotch have you had?

Look, all I'm saying is being able to switch it up has gotten you some nice things... this house, your wife, this scotch.

By the way, you're out.

Ahh. But I got to tell you.

The thing I'm probably the most proud of you for is...

[cellphone beeps, vibrates] Oh, hold that thought.

Yep, that's my Uber.

Got to go, son.

You probably won't be seeing me for a while, at least not until this tax thing blows over.

And I would give you a forwarding address, but you liable to tell the white man anything.

Blessing and a curse, son. Blessing and a curse.

Despite pops' Wesley Snipes-Ian understanding of American tax law, he was right.

How did white Jay make me feel bad about being a successful black man?

So, uh, these are bushes, which is a great place where you can hide your packages.

Also, you can hide your packages, uh, here or...

Here...

Or one of my favorites...

Uh, here.

[Door opens]

Hey, look. Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Charlie, you can stop. Look, the account is his.

Dre, what are you doing? All week, I've been listening to the white cornel west over there make me feel like I wasn't black enough for this campaign.

You know what? Screw you.

Okay. You know what?

Dre, that is not a closer move.

No, no, no, no.

Keepin' it real isn't some checklist you find on "yo! MTV raps."

It's about being you, and for me, sometimes that mean watching "The Good Wife" with the missus while we eat Mac and teese, all right?

It's got my cholesterol down. I'm off the lipitor, son.

And that's real.

Dre, you know, I really I really don't think...

Jay: Yes. Yes, yes. [Claps]

This is what I wanted to see.

This is the Dre Johnson I've heard so much about.

You've been walking around here all week playin' Bobby boy scout.

You haven't given me any of that swag you're famous for.

Okay. So, what are you saying?

I want you to head up this account.

Do you? Hmm.

Beg me.

Nah, I ain't doin' that, playboy.

I will.

Please, Dre, take the account.

Please.

My back is against the wall.

Ch-Charlie, I got you.

All right. I'll take it.

All right, good.

Just make this is the guy that shows up to work every day.

All day, every day.

100% uncut Dre.

"The white cornel west"... I like that.

[Laughs]

Uh, do you want me to finish?

'Cause me and Laura, we was up late putting this together.

Like, you'll never find one here.

Uh, decoy boxes could be awesome.

Ooh, how about a wig?

Hey, pops.

What are you doing back?

Pops: Oh, uh...

I forgot my p*stol.

If anyone comes looking for me, I have not been here.

Okay, hold on. This letter came today.

Turns out the I.R.S. was only sending someone here as courtesy because you are on their senior citizen's list.

They only want a copy of the sales receipt of your old Lincoln.

Your mama took that Lincoln from me in the divorce... out of pure spite, I might add.

Wait a minute, that means I didn't sell it... she did.

They're not looking for me, they're looking for her.

Okay.

Oh my goodness, the I.R.S. is finaly going to do for me what I was never able to do for myself.

What?

Bury her.

I love this country.

Hey pops, I hope this little scare has taught you a lesson in fiscal responsibility.

Oh yes! I am... untouchable.

If anyone comes looking for me, you know where I'll be.

At the track.

At the track, yeah.