03x16 - One Angry Man

♪ Say ♪

Dre: Jury duty.

♪ Can you see ♪

An American honor.

One of the cornerstones of our democracy.

♪ By the dawn's ♪

A civic obligation that's a small price to pay to live in a fair and just society.

♪ Early light ♪

But since the government is too cheap to pay for certified mail, there's no way to prove I got this.

[Shredder whirring]

Which is good, 'cause jury duty sucks.

[Electricity crackles]

Florescent lighting.

Crappy parking.

A one-way map to the nearest lunch spot.

But mostly, jury duty is sitting in a room all day with a bunch of weirdos who live for the opportunity to judge others.

String him up! Shoot him out back!

Ma'am, for the last time, this is traffic court.

And your left breast has been exposed for two hours.

My le...

Oh.

Oh, well...

Justice doled out at a buck-80 an hour... you get what you pay for.

How you doing?

That's why I have joined millions of other patriotic Americans in saying, "Screw jury duty."

Good news, Dad.

You accidentally put this in the shredder, but I was able to reassemble it and put your juror number in the online system.

Why?

Why would you do this? Huh? Why would you do any of this?

No need to thank me, but I also called to confirm they received it.

They did, so 7:00 a.m. sharp, Temple Street Courthouse.

Be there or be square... and in contempt of court.

Mu...

I have copies.

[Door slams]

Oh, there's the face of a civic warrior!

Look at you.

Yes, look at me. I'm a weirdo.

You made me a weirdo.

I befriended someone today who I believe lives outside.

Told me he was gonna friend me on Facebook on the library's computer.

Good news is you did it.

So you're all done now.

No.

I'm not all done. It's just the beginning.

They chose me. I'm on the jury.

Moneyball! High-five!

Ha, yeah!

[Rainbow gasps]

Dad.

Rainbow: Dre, come on.

I don't think jury duty's gonna be that bad.

I missed my fantasy-basketball draft.

Do you know how hard it is to recover from computer selections?

I have four centers... four!

I don't... Is that something... We don't want that?

Junior: Dad, it's worth it.

The criminal-justice system is broken.

Public defenders have impossible caseloads.

In some states, they only have about seven minutes to prepare for a case.

Seven?

Hey, Junior, come here for a second.

Come here. Can you do me a huge favor?

Yeah.

Shut up!

[Gasps] Oh.

Not today, big guy.

Get him.

Another insane fact...

97% of prisoners accepted plea deals rather than going on trial.

The system needs you, Dad.

The odds are stacked against the accused, who often lack the resources required for an adequate defense.

Somebody's been watching documentaries again, huh?

Yes, I have.

[Laughs]

More documentaries.

Every time you watch one, you ruin my life.

Remember "Super Size Me"?

I just saved you 600 low-quality calories.

You're welcome, Dad.

[Blows]

Well, I'm not sorry you have to do your civic duty.

This is a real person who deserves a fair trial and is entitled to a jury of his own peers.

[Slams table] I wish I could kill you.

But that would just send another poor b*st*rd to jury duty.

Oh.

Junior: Going... Oh, I'm hitting the combo.

Nope, nope.

Can't get out of this one.

Oh, oh, oh!

No.

Boom! Got you!

[Bleep] you, Junior. You killed me.

Hey! Seth! Language!

We don't talk like that.

This is an "Oh, fudge" house.

Sorry, Mrs. Johnson.

Whew, it's been a long time since I handed down the punishment of the Lord.

Ooh. [Sighs] Black Jesus, please don't let me... follow through too hard on the white neighbor lady's child.

Okay.

No, let me throw it.

No. No, no, no. Okay, it's handled.

[Doorbell rings]

It's handled.

[Sighs]

Hey.

What up, Rainbow?

Hi.

I'm here for Seth.

We're going to the Kanye West concert.

Yeah, that feels right.

Seth, let's wrap it up!

Okay, just why don't you come on in?

It's Yeezy time!

Seth: Okay.

Hey, hey, Janine, can I talk to you for one little, quick second?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm a little bit concerned.

Your son could have, like, a bright future as a dock worker.

Kid's got a real mouth on him.

Yeah, he certainly does.

No, no. Cursing is just a form of self-expression.

I find that it allows my baby boy to feel more comfortable sharing with his mama.

[Scoffs]

Here, watch this.

Hey, Seth, how many kids in your class are having s*x?

Wha...

Five.

But not me. I'm only doing top stuff.

Mm.

Ohh.

[Chuckles]

Well, I obviously know Junior very well, too.

We are incredibly close.

And without the use of profanity.

Mm-hmm.

You do know that he curses when he's at my house.

[Laughs] That's impossible.

We... This is an "Oh, shucks" house.

We don't... What is that?

Get that [bleep] out of my house!

Whew!

Oh!

Okay.

Shucks.

Ooh-kay.

On the bright side, I guess the two could carpool to the docks together.

[Laughs]

Ow!

Ooh!

Oh, no.

Don't do that.

♪♪

Okay, so maybe they can make me sit here, but they sure as hell can't make me listen.

Narrator: [Through earbuds] And welcome back to Andy Richter narrating "Rich Dad Poor Dad."

♪♪

Junior: This is not just a jury summons.

This is a real person who deserves a fair trial.

[Gavel bangs]

Judge: Mr. Antoine Jeffries, you're charged with burglary and grand larceny.

How do you plead?

Uh...

Public defenders have impossible caseloads.

In some states, they only have about seven minutes

to prepare for a case.

Um...

Guilty.

Oh.

Wait. That's a different Antoine.

Uh, this Antoine pleads... not guilty.

Right?

And is entitled to a jury of his peers.

[Yawns]

Dre: So I was the only thing close to a peer for this kid.

Plus I was the only one actually listening.

Really?

"Live Free or Die Hard" is your favorite "Die Hard"?

Ugh.

[Rainbow sighs]

I can't stop thinking about what Janine said to me.

Do you think Junior's a different person when I'm not around?

I mean, I don't let him curse at home.

So am I creating an environment of deception?

What else don't I know?

The list of what you don't know is long.

Number one is how to keep your man happy.

Where's your man?

Hey!

Hi! How was school today?

[Chuckles] Great. The funniest thing happened.

Oh, tell me.

Wha...

How is it that you just don't give up on life?

She's... She's gonna tell me later.

We're really close.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Hey! How you doing? What's going on?

Oh. W-Why... Why do you have leaves in your hair?

Well, I didn't punch anyone in the face, if that's what you're implying.

Oh, well, I'd love to hear more about that.

Well...

Maybe she'll tell me later.

Oh! Did one of your classmates give you this friendship bracelet?

[Gasps] Do you have a little girlfriend?!

No.

You can tell me.

Mommy. [Giggles]

Mom, a little space, please.

Uh...

Oof.

Oh, my God.

Mm. [Clears throat]

I don't know my kids.

I'm gonna have to try the cursing thing.

Mnh-mnh! Cursing is the devil's tongue.

You're not supposed to know your kids, anyway.

I hardly know anything about Dre.

And Rhonda still hasn't introduced me to her boyfriend.

Ruby.

Huh?

Rhonda's gay.

Oh, yeah, right.

She... She's still doing that.

I don't know why I even asked you.

An eyewitness saw the defendant at the scene.

The next day, the defendant was seen wearing the stolen hoodie, with a substantial amount of cash in his pocket.

This is an open-and-shut case.

Antoine Jeffries is guilty.

Thank you.

Mr. Alexander, the floor is yours.

Look, guys, I, uh... thought this was tomorrow.

Trust your hearts.

What?

♪♪

Okay, everyone, let's take a vote.

Get this over with.

You heard the prosecutor... open-and-shut.

Let's convict this kid so we can all go home.

[Jury members agreeing]

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Guilty. Guilty.

Not guilty. [Sighs]

All right.

11 to 1.

Would the one like to explain why he doesn't want us to go home?

Well, the one, whoever he or she may be, might just think that this is a real person who deserves a fair trial from a jury of his peers.

Uh, "open-and-shut" just seems a little fast.

Great.

All the juries in the country, and we get the one with the guy that just watched a documentary.

[All sigh]

What?

Come on.

♪♪

Rainbow: Okay, guys, just want to talk a little bit about the cursing guidelines to ensure a smooth transition.

So you're gonna actually let us swear...

Yeah.

In front of you?

Yeah! Sweetheart, words are simply tools for self-expression.

I don't need to be so uptight, and I don't need to be your word police.

Well, I think it's a terrible idea.

Yeah, well.

But you've made your decision.

Yes.

I don't know, Mom.

This reeks of entrapment.

No, no, no.

I promise it's not. Unh-unh.

Who wants to try, guys?

Come on.

Go for it.

Um... boobies?

Oh.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, that's something.

Who wants to try the hard stuff, though?

Come on. Hard stuff?

Ugh!

Oh.

This gazpacho tastes like [bleep]

Whoa, whoa!

Okay. [Laughs]

It's nasty.

Yeah, all right, well, that was a little hurtful.

But it sounded really natural.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I'm just not comfortable with this.

I don't swear.

Janine's been recording you.

That [bleep]

[Gasps] Oh!

Oh, my!

Okay, that was so jarring! [Laughs]

But way to go with the self-expression!

The lines of communication are open for business.

Ring, ring!

Poop, boobies, snot!

You'll get there, sweetie.

All right, guys, a little brainstorming.

Sleep Tite Inns needs rebranding because of a series of recent murders.

Go!

O-Okay.


Uh, "We know how to keep a secret."

"Why don't you stay here... forever?"

"What are the odds it happens three times?"

"We're killing the competition."

[Laughs]

Can... Can I hop in?

Um...

"You'll feel like you've died and gone to heaven."

Bro.

Charlie: I see your vision.

Bro.

I see your vision.

No! Guys!

Guys!

Did you go to college?

These are horrible, okay?

All they do is highlight the murders.

No, no, no, lookit.

We needs something more along the lines of, um, "Come for the endless breakfasts, stay because you won't get murdered."

Oh, my God. I just did it, too.

See?

You did what we did.

Wow. This is hard.

Very hard.

Your mind thinks, but then your...

Hey, Dre! You're here!

We weren't floundering in your absence.

W-Wait a minute. Why are you here?

I thought you were on trial.

No, I'm on a trial...

Oh.

Ah.

As a juror.

Okay.

All right?

But the courthouse is closed today because of a Black Lives Matter protest.

What? I thought you guys won that one.

Nah.

Nah.

Oh.

I still can't believe you let yourself get stuck in jury duty.

Yeah, I know. It's easy to get out.

You just got to go in shirtless.

Or wear too many shirts... some of them as pants.

But don't button it all the way up.

You'll choke your booty out.

No one goes to jury duty, Dre. Send your proxy.

You have a proxy?

You don't? Come on!

My proxy went to all my kids' plays.

And he had s*x with my first wife when she couldn't lose that baby weight.

Nice.

Well, I'll never get stuck in jury duty.

I'm legally deceased.

That's why I can't cash my checks.

You know what, Charlie? I used to blow off my civic duty, too, until I sat in that courtroom and started to feel the enormous responsibility of holding another man's life in my hands.

I... I'll just say it.

I care.

Hmm.

Oh. Okay.

So the defendant is black.

Who said he was black?

Well, is he?

I'm not doing this just because he's black.

Okay. Hello.

All right, and if I'm being honest...

Yeah.

This country's judicial system has not been great for us.

Mm-hmm. No.

And here comes a two-hour lecture on black stuff.

God, I wish my proxy were here.

Go ahead.

Here it is.

When a person is accused of a crime in America, the law says that we have a right to a trial with a jury of our peers.

But that wasn't possible for black people, who weren't even allowed to serve on juries until the Supreme Court stepped in in 1880.

[Ding!]

But even after we could legally serve on juries...

[All cheer] prosecutors came up with ways to keep us off.

No facial hair.

Oh!

No folded arms.

"He's wearing too many chains."

What?!

Too much athletic wear.

Come on.

Which are all code for "too black."

[Buzzer!]

That means black defendants facing juries filled with people who are purposefully not their peers, people who don't understand their lives, their experiences, and can't see themselves in the defendant's shoes.

This messed-up system is one of the reasons why 1 in 17 white men go to jail, but for black men, it's one in three.

Wow. One in three?

Mm-hmm.

That is incredible.

Hm.

So which one of you three lied on your résumé?

Oh.

Ooh. Okay.

Man, I'm gonna go ahead and step outside.

You know what? This never worked.

I'm gonna take this to maintenance.

I'm not even at work today.

One's out, two's out.

I guess it's the only guy left.

I'm... I'm deceased.

So, back at home, the cursing experiment was under way... with definitely mixed results.

[Bleep]

♪ It goes like this ♪
♪ My name is $hort ♪

Whoo!

So good.

♪ I'm tearin'...up like never before ♪

Get up!

♪ Pimp slaps ♪

[Scoffs] Are you kidding?

♪ Makin' snaps ♪

No [bleep] No [bleep]

♪ Cold cash money and too short raps ♪
♪ Oakland, California, that's where I'm from ♪

Mm.

Ha, king me, b-hole!

It's butthole [bleep] And I'm red.

♪ Don't stop, oh, no, we won't stop ♪

[Sighs]

♪ Check out my style ♪

I don't know, Ruby.

I think this whole swearing thing was a terrible idea.

Show me one of your ideas that wasn't terrible, and I'll show you an idea that wasn't yours.

Hey. Ha, yeah.

I think I should shut it down.

Well, here's your chance.

Hey.

Hey.

Sweetheart, we need to talk.

[Scoffs] Agreed.

My history teacher is being a total [bleep]

She wouldn't give us an extra 10 minutes to...

Wait a minute.

Are you... sharing the details of your day with me?

I was about to... until you made it weird.

Oh.

N... Oh, well.

Diane, you have leaves in your hair again.

What's going on, baby?

It's because Casey called me her best friend in front of everyone.

Friendship makes me look weak.

Oh.

Oh.

So I just had to drop her.

Oh.

That's... That's good to know.

Thank you, sweetheart. Thank you.

[Chuckles]

Bye, Mom.

I was gonna tell you I'm going to Seth's house, but I'm really going to Megan's to fool around.

Okay.

Don't worry... top stuff only.

Only the top.

[Chuckles] Okay.

[Both laugh]

Ruby, did you see that?

My children are opening up to me.

Only because you agreed to my genius swearing idea.

[Chuckles] You're welcome [bleep]

Guilty.

Since Antoine wasn't going to get a jury of his peers, I had to make up for it by being a jury of his peer.

Not guilty.

And again we are stuck at 11 to 1.

[Jury members groaning]

11 to 1... again.

[Groaning continues]

Dre, we know it's you.

Please don't keep us here all day.

Okay. Fine.

Let's say it's me.

All right, n-now hear me out.

After we closely look at both sides and you still think this kid is guilty, I will no longer hold you hostage, and vote guilty with you.

That's okay.

Yeah?

Why not?

Okay.

Wait.

Is he holding us hostage?

♪♪

[Ding!]

But it's pretty tough to argue eyewitness testimony, don't you think?

Yeah, you're right about that one.

You know, why don't we just vote now so we can get home to our loved ones?

[Gasps] Beautiful family.

Mm-hmm.

Is that the Bahamas?

Aha! That's not my family.

That's not even me. That's Tyler Perry.

All right, you just confused two black people that don't even really look alike.

♪♪

Well, what the hell was the kid doing with $500 in his pocket when he doesn't even have car?

[Jury members agreeing]

Come on.

Man, I probably have $2,500 in my pocket.

Because I don't trust banks like that, after the financial crisis.

I don't, either.

But look at the picture he posted after the crime.

He's wearing the stolen hoodie.

[Jury members murmuring]

#ComeUp.

Okay, look, that could be n...

I mean, that doesn't necessarily mean that...

[Jury members grumbling]

No, that's... that's enough already.

Okay, look. Do we even have the right to look at his photos like that?

I mean, we don't even have a search warrant.

Come on, guys.

We don't need a warrant for that.

Oh, Dre. We heard you out.

And while the kid seems decent, I think we can all agree... this is pretty damning evidence.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Look, man, if you're gonna commit a crime, be smart enough to make your profile private.

Everyone....

Man: Plain as day.

This has been a long day.

Why don't we just go sleep on it, and we'll vote first thing in the morning?

"Scandal" is one tonight.

Let the kid watch one more "Scandal."

[Jury members agreeing]

Woman: Sounds good.

♪♪

Oh, check this out. And this is a skirt I keep in my backpack to change into after you drop me off at school.

Oh, my God.

But that's so short.

Mm-hmm.

I-I-I didn't buy you that.

Oh, no.

Sky stole it from the mall while I stood lookout.

It was so funny.

Oh, my God!

Get out of my face.

But...

No!

What the [bleep] Mom?

I'm just being honest with you.

Ho... Okay.

This honesty is way too much.

A half an hour ago, Junior told me why he goes through so much lotion.

Ugh! God!

I do not want to know my children this well.

Well, then, you should've listened to me when I told you not to let them curse.

What? But then you s...

Own it, Rainbow.

I...

I finally figured it out.

Oh.

[Bleep]

Boobies!

Okay, okay. No, don't worry about it.

I got this. Come here, little boy!

Come here! I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

So, I'd slept on it.

And, yeah, Antoine was guilty.

But I felt good that at least I had fought for him to have a fair trial, and that's something.

Guilty.

Not guilty?

[Jury members groaning]

Again?

For the love of God, Dre.

I don't want to die here.

Man: Come on, Dre.

But it wasn't me this time.

No, seriously! I really mean it!

It wasn't me!

Hey, it was me.

What?

What?

And I'd like to take another look at that hoodie, please.

[Jury members groaning]

Sorry, but last night, I-I don't know what it was, but something made me feel like we hadn't given this guy a fair shake and we needed to make sure we didn't rush through our decision.

Uh, that's what I said. Like, verbatim.

Dre, please. Bernice has the floor.

But...

Bernice: I did some research online, and I found out this particular Givenchy hoodie is from two seasons ago.

There's no way the Givenchy boutique would carry it.

Jerome is innocent.

[Jury members agreeing]

His name is Antoine!

Bernice, you are a hero.

Well...

You saved Jerome from jail.

I'd hate to think what would've happened to him if there hadn't been someone looking out for that kid.

But I saved An... Jerome.

Show of hands. Not guilty?

Come on.

Really?

Dre?

Really, Dre?

[Sighs]

All right, I'll go tell the bailiff.

And I'm gonna take you out for a nice steak and Midori sour.

[Jury members "Ooh"]

[Laughs]

But those are my favorite things.

Score.

What the [bleep] Mom? You're supposed to dry my stuff on low heat so this doesn't happen.

My God.

Oh, all right. Okay, sweetie.

I'll... I'll know for next time!

Oh, my God.

Hey.

How was school?

I don't know.

Oh. Okay.

Oh! How's Megan?

Haven't seen her.

Ah.

[Scoffs] The lipstick on his face says otherwise.

Yes, it does.

But if I have to choose between Seth and them, I'm okay not knowing my kids.

Oh, uh, then it's, um [chuckles] probably a bad time to tell you that Diane is in a fight club.

Yeah. [Scoffs]