07x20 - Snitches Get Boundaries

[bunniefuu]

When my parents got back together, I was certain it would mean the end of my relationship with Pops. Yet, somehow, our bond got stronger. We started spending time together in ways we never had, really getting to understand each other as two grown Black men. Most shocking is that I actually trust my Pops with my life. He's a man I can go to with anything. Even things I wouldn't bring up to my mom. Your daddy says you can't sneeze without leaking a little bit.

- What?

- This... tighten it right up.

Oh... my... God. My Pops is a snitch! I have a buddy who's an excellent urologist.

I don't need no damn urologist.

You're missing the important part of the story.

I had a conversation with my father...

an intimate conversation about aging and manhood...

and he violated my trust.

- Mm.

- And also, no way you have a buddy.

You're right.

He's just my urologist.

Dre, you've been avoiding it your whole life, but it's time to tape up your fists and fight your father.

- What?

- I don't like the fact that your pops is...

respectfully, Dre...

- running his mouth.

- Mm.

He knows some fairly intimate details about me, on account that we share both a barber and a chicken joint.

Nobody cares about your weird little secrets, Charlie.

Mm...

I'm lucky it's just about this stupid medication.

What if I was really going through something, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- What if I told him I was thinking about leaving my wife?

Are you?

Of course not!

- Oh.

- But if I told my stool pigeon father, he would tell my mama, and then my mama would tell Bow.

Then, all of a sudden, I come home, and all of Bow's things are packed.

That is a violation.

Is it really, Dre?

Don't you tell your mother everything?

I go to my mother with emotional things.

And then I go to my father with the man-to-man things.

I don't need those two things mixing.

You made the foolish mistake of trusting a man in love.

Never trust a man in love, and you can trust me on that 'cause I've never, ever been loved.

Dre, the bottom line...

You cannot tell your father anything ever again.

We are finally in a good place.

You know what?

I just need to talk to him about keeping the things we talk about between us.

That being said, I am working from home today.

All right.

Be safe.

I'm gonna work from home today, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie.

You know the rule.

Only one Black guy can be out of the office at a time.

Just in case one of those kids comes by trying to sell us chocolates for his basketball team.

Follow me.

- Ah.

- Ta-da!

What?!

We decided to get a brand-new car because we have some brand-newly permitted drivers!

Okay!

She cute!

Where's Jack's?

Oh, no.

This car is for both of you.

You guys shared a womb.

You can share a car.

- Okay, okay.

- Mm-hmm.

I can...

I can live with that, 'cause you know what?

Mm?

- I smell freedom.

- Ooh, I smell it, too.

- Mm.

- I feel the wind flying through my braids.

- Mm.

- The percussion of rubber meets road.

- Mm.

- The erratic sounds

- of the law at my heels.

- Mm.

But they can't get me.

- Mnh-mnh.

- What...

- They'll never get me.

- Mnh-mnh.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, nothing.

Come on, Jack.

Let's go check it out.

Can you believe they're already?

Feels like just yesterday I was changing their diapers.

I don't think you did that.

Hey, can I make one little request?

- Whatever you do...

- Hmm?

... do not let Dad teach them to drive.

What the hell are you doing?!

I thought I had it!

Back up!

Back up!

Don't back up!

Aah!

Those scars will never heal.

I had no idea how traumatized you were.

Why have you never told me this?

I don't know.

I guess it's just some big American tradition that everyone experiences, you know?

Dad teaches kid to drive.

Dad traumatizes kid.

Kid eventually learns to drive without having a panic att*ck.

Mnh, mnh, mnh.

Leave it to your father to take a meaningful milestone and turn it into an opportunity to scar his children.

Why is it always the dad that gets to teach the kids

- to drive, huh?

You know what?

- Mnh-mnh.

Maybe I should teach Jack and Diane to drive.

That is brilliant.

- Hmm.

- You are way kinder

- and more patient than Dad.

- Yes, I am.

I am.

Hey, guys!

I am ending the toxic tradition of angry dads teaching their kids to drive!

It's Mom's turn.

Wow, they will never know the gift you've given them.

- But I'll know.

- Oh.

Oh, look at you being all generous with the pour.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what's on your mind, son?

I know you ain't liquoring me up for nothin'.

Okay, Pops.

I just never thought that this would happen.

What, you becoming the kind of guy that wears, uh, pants that stop at his ankles?

No, Pops.

I'm talking about us...

getting to a place where we can have man-to-man conversations.

But they come with the understanding that they stay "man-to-man." What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you telling Mama about my leaky plumbing.

Pops, some things should stay a secret, man.

Some things should stay between us.

- Yeah, you right, son.

- Okay.

I guess I just got loose with the mouth.

Say no more.

Really?

We...

We good?

Yeah, we good.

I'm really proud of you that you came to me like a man about this.

- We have come a long way, son.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Now, what we gonna do about that?

Well...

I got a really nice bottle of scotch that I've been hiding in the garage.

I believe you have a half a bottle hiding back there.

- What?

- You need to learn to hide your liquor like you don't want me to find it.

Okay, I'll be back with that half bottle.

Order restored. I could trust both my Moms and Pops to keep my business to themselves. He said, "Some things need to stay between us." Mm-hmm.

I said, "Okay." I'm gonna keep his trust 'cause he was so embarrassed, Ruby.

You know, Dre doesn't do well

- with embarrassment.

- Mnh-mnh.

I found him in Junior's room crying like a baby

- when that boy moved out.

- Mm.

He made me swear I wouldn't tell a soul.

Et tu, Mama?

Judas!

Lady Judas!

There he goes.

Getting that Kerry Washington lip.

- Mmmm...

- Ah.

This is unreal, Bow.

I caught my parents gossiping about me.

This is not how it's supposed to be!

Dre, we gossip about our children all the time.

Our last text thread was about Jack's mustache.

It's called parenting.

I don't need to be parented, Bow.

I'm a grown-ass man.

Okay, well, I'm gonna need you to get over it, because I am taking a MasterClass.

RuPaul is teaching me how to make money

- from fracking.

- Unh-unh.

- What?

Okay.

- No.

I will not get past this.

It's a violation.

I am sure that your parents have been talking about you like this your whole life.

Unh-unh.

No.

They weren't, all right?

Growing up, they hated each other.

I knew they would never compare notes, so I could share whatever I wanted with my mom.

Now my mom is married to my Pops, and I can't trust her.

She's probably just sharing with her husband.

You don't get it.

My mother is my confidant, my rock, my counselor.

If I can't talk to her, who can I talk to?

Who are you talking to right now?

Okay, okay, okay.

Listen, you can't control what your parents talk about.

The only thing you have control over, Dre, is what you tell them.

So I think it's time you set some boundaries with your mother.

Give me your hand, sweetheart.

Come here.

I know this is hard.

I know.

You need to set some boundaries

- with your mom.

- Okay.

You need to set some boundaries with your mother.

Okay, Bow, I heard you.

Yeah, I know.

It just felt really nice to say it again.

- You're right.

- I'm always right.

If I set some boundaries with my mom, she'll get mad, and then she'll realize the consequences of betraying my trust.

- Yes!

- No!

- That is not what I said!

- Yes!

Oh, it doesn't matter what you said, Bow.

It's what I'm gonna do.

I think you're still too mad.

Good point.

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

You need to know that this is not your father's driving school.

- Okay.

- Is that why you have a shirt that says "Rainbow Johnson's Driving School"?

Yes.

- How'd you get that so fast?

- I've got a guy.

All right.

Diane, as the driver, what do you do to start?

Address mirrors.

Start engine.

Hands at : and : .

One lap around.

Stay alert.

Then park safely next to the strategically placed safety trash cans.

- Okay.

- Girl, you ready.

Yes.

Okay, listen, you're gonna make mistakes, all right?

You're gonna get frustrated, but I am here to guide you.

- Okay.

- And, also, we're gonna have a little bit of fun.

'Cause this is your first time, 'cause...

Have you driven before?

Not that you can prove.

Okay.

Slow down.

So I set a boundary trap for my mama and waited for her to take the cheese. Oh.

Damn.

Damn, damn.

What's wrong?

It's nothing.

Well, I can tell it's not nothing, 'cause your brow is all scrunched up and you look like you ate too many Dodger Dogs.

- What's wrong?

- Ah, you're right.

Nobody knows me like you, Mama.

Something happened at work today.

- It was exciting.

- Mm.

Yeah, and at the same time, so scary.

It...

You know what, Mama?

Given where we are, I don't think it's appropriate for me to continue to discuss personal matters with you.

Boy, why are you talking to me like you HR at the Post Office telling me I can't read people's mail?

You're right.

What am I doing?

- You are my mama!

- Hello!

Stevens came to me with a briefcase with a lock on it, and then he opened it up, and I saw what was inside, Mama, and it...

- Oh, my.

- No.

- I can't tell you, Mama.

I-I-I can't.

- What was it?

What was it?

Was it...

Was it...

Was it dr*gs?

- Mnh-mnh.

- Money?

- Mnh-mnh.

- Drug money?

- No.

- Boy, if you can't tell me,

- draw me a picture.

- Ma, I can't.

Why the hell not?!

What's wrong with you?!

I am drawing a boundary with you, Mama.

Boundary?

Mm.

Boundary?

With me?

Who are you gonna share with?

Who are you gonna talk your struggles out with?

My wife.

Uh-huh.

She put you up to this?

No, Mama.

Bow could never come up with an idea like this.

- Can't come up with no idea.

- Okay.

But...

I am going to need you to respect my boundary.

Okay, baby.

Thank you.

If that's what you want.

God, I'm feeling so sick.

Black Jesus, help me.

- Mama, you okay?

- No, I'm feeling sick!

What's wrong?

What's wrong, Mama?

Just all of a sudden.

- I'm gonna go lay down.

- Okay.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Take me to the King!

- I'm ready, Jesus!

- It was tough, but I had to teach my mom there were consequences to snitching. Meanwhile, Bow was in the midst of teaching our kids something they needed to survive. You know, I've done some thinking.

- Oh, my God.

- In today's climate, I'm not sure if I need to learn how to drive.

Okay, Jack.

- You're serious?

- I'm dead-ass.

You see these hands?

These were meant for texting while someone else drives.

Okay, well, driving is still a very important skill to learn, Jack.

- Mm-hmm.

- What if somebody that you love gets hurt?

Call an ambulance.

Okay, what if you're very hungry, and you...

Order delivery.

What if you want a peaceful and scenic...

Walk.

It's better for my health.

And the environment.

Nicely done.

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, but what if... someone, AKA me, gives you $ to park this car in the garage?

Then what you gonna do?

- Then I get that money.

- Ye...

What?

Okay.

Are you gonna get in the car?

Mnh-mnh.

What's happening?

Oh.

- Boom.

- Wow.

- Car parked.

- Uh-huh.

- Pay up.

- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I don't have $ on me.

- Andre Johnson.

- Yeah?

What the hell is wrong with you, boy?

Look what you've done to your mama.

I had to triple up on my iron pills just to get through the afternoon.

You see what you've done?

Now you are going to open your heart and tell your mother all your secrets.

I am not about to apologize to you two for setting up a boundary.

Yeah, when the two of you won't apologize to me for talking about me behind my back.

So boom, boundary.

Now, you listen to me.

Are you really willing to throw away how close we are just because he and I are together now?

We're just talking a little bit.

Mama.

For the longest time, it was just me and you, and I would tell you things.

- Delicate things.

- Yeah.

And you would share with me all about the mess, about the raggedy stuff that Pops would do.

- Now we can't do that.

- Hey.

You two been talking about me?

Eh, what she been telling you, son?

I know you didn't pay for my books in college.

Ruby.

Can't believe you.

That was supposed to be between me and you.

Well, he's my son!

Oh, well, he's my son, too.

How would you feel if I told him the only reason that you missed his th birthday party was to get a thigh lift?

- Ooh.

- What?

I swear to God, Earl, if you want to play like that, I got something for that ass!

Oh, what you got, little loose-mouth snitch?

Okay, guys, maybe you're taking it a little bit too far.

- Can we just calm down?

- Okay, okay, okay.

What if I told him that the only reason you came to his middle school graduation was to get at that donkey-bootied crossing guard?

Miss Freeman?

I can't believe you, Ruby.

Well, believe it, n*gro!

What do you do when you've started a mega-fight between your parents, who have a history of petty v*olence?

- Ain't nothing wrong with me!

- I thought we was...

You back out and run away.

- We back together.

We fine.

- No, you think...

- Dre?

- Yeah?

Hey, it's after : .

I don't hear Barry White coming from the guest apartment.

- Mm.

- Your parents okay?

I think I may have started the biggest fight between them since they've gotten back together.

And by "may have"...

that's what I did.

Oh.

Well, I guess it's good we didn't get rid of the arson insurance on the house.

Mm.

But I don't understand.

Were you trying to break them up?

It's not that.

It's just that my parents being together,

- I feel like I have no secrets.

- Mm.

You know, my relationship with my mom and my relationship with my dad are now one.

It's two against one.

And with them together...

they've seen all my mess.

Are you seriously laughing at this?

I'm sorry.

Dre, what you're describing is...

is a normal close-knit family.

- Nah.

- Sweetheart, it's normal.

It's normal to have everybody in your business.

- Mm.

- And it's normal for it to get uncomfortable.

It's a small price to pay for having parents that truly see the big picture of you.

Hm.

I'm starting to see their big picture, too, whether I like it or not.

- They have very full lives.

- Yeah.

And, you know, when they're not having sex

- with the window open...

- Mm.

- ... they're talking about you.

- Mm-hmm.

Because they love you.

I don't think it's worth giving up that relationship over this, Dre.

Maybe you're right.

I'll go talk to them.

Just... knock first.

Like, loudly.

Oh, hey!

Jack, okay, so it is a new day...

- Yes.

- ... and I was thinking, what if we have a driving lesson, but after...

- Mm-hmm.

- ... I buy you...

your own... brand-new car?

Huh?

No, thank you.

I'm good.

Only thing I'm planning on doing today is drinking this Ensure.

It's good for active seniors, but I think it should be good for active freshmen, too.

Oof.

Bottoms up.

Bottoms up?

What?

I don't get it.

- Perplexed.

- For as long as I can remember, it's been Jack's dream to drive to the Grand Canyon so he could pee in it.

And now he's turning down a brand-new car?

Why is he throwing his dreams away?

Have you ever considered the possibility that Jack is a weirdo?

I'm serious.

Learning to drive is a rite of passage.

I am offering my son the keys to freedom, and he's throwing them back in my face.

Well, you know, that freedom is exciting, but at the same time, it is really scary.

I remember everybody telling me how much I was gonna love the freedom of college, but when I got there, I was actually super-overwhelmed.

You know, some people just aren't ready for the rites of passage when you think they should be.

You're right.

What do I do?

If you were Dad, you would drive him out into the middle of the desert and then fake a heart att*ck and then force him to drive you all the way home, and then when you got there, you would say, "See?

I told you.

I knew you could drive.

Why are you crying?

Let's go get some chili cheese fries.

Huh?" Did your dad do that to you?

All I'm saying is that whatever you do, I know you will handle it better than Dad.

Well, that's a given.

Obviously.

Well, you guys seem to have calmed down.

We've officially moved into the silent treatment portion of the evening.

New tactics you learn once you're married.

Mm.

Look, this is all my fault.

You guys would not be fighting if I wasn't trying to protect myself from what's ultimately a good thing...

us being close.

Well, I appreciate your apology...

but I've got to own some of it.

I never should have shared all that mess about your Pops when you were growing up.

Now, it made us close, but I should have had a...

boun...

Go ahead, baby.

You can say it.

- Boundary.

- Mm.

Mm!

I appreciate that, Mama.

The thing you gotta understand is, son, your mama and I restarted our friendship talking about... you.

That's right.

And I love talking to my husband about my kids, and you ain't gonna take that away from me, Dre.

So we'll just exercise a little bit more discretion from here on in.

- Mm.

- No more talking about the times when you boo-booed on yourself.

Hmm.

Thanks.

Hey, so, uh...

what do y'all say about Rhonda?

- Ooh, child.

- Mm...

Ha-hey!

You got somewhere to be after this?

Look here.

Let me fix you a drink.

- Okay.

- Now, your sister...

- Mm-hmm.

- ... used to be involved with something called VEXXEUS.

- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

- The sex cult?

It's also a Ponzi scheme.

Yeah.

So, Jack wasn't ready to drive, but he still wanted to stunt.

What it do, shorty?

You like all-wheel drive?

Hey, what's up, girl?

Whata gwan, fine gyal?

'Sup?

You going to the In-N-Out on Lankershim?

Funny.

Me too.

Oh, what's that?

Do I share this car with my sister?

Hell no.

I got the pink slip in the glove, baby.

Hey, your friends want a ride?

I've got room for all of them.

Oh.

Sorry.

Your brother's gonna have to walk.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

I-I know I look good in...

And... blackmail!

When will I learn?