01x01 - sl*ve for a Day

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Hey, George.

George!

Hey.

Hey, I have to say, I'm a little disappointed.

Disappointed in what, Stephen?

We talked about you trimming back these trees a little more.

You know, I was telling Bobbie and Joelle...

Come on out.

Well, not really.

Listen, man, you talked, and I told you I wasn't gonna trim them, because I like the privacy.

Look if you're worried about paparazzi, don't be.

And as far as your fans, I mean, we're way off the bus line, right?

I mean, I bet you could trim these up really nice right now You know, you wouldn't even have been able to afford to move into the neighborhood if I hadn't have moved in first and lowered the property values.

That's r*cist.

Wait a minute, how's that r*cist?

I mean, you people, everything is r*cist.

Whoa, "you people."

All right, all right, all right.

The issue is not George's racism.

It's just, you know, maintaining community standards.

[cell phone rings]

Hang on a second.

Snoop Dogg. [Chuckles]

Getting a call from Snoop.

Hello?

It's Snoop.

You think you can come by my house for a minute and hang out and come in the green room?

All right, cool. Listen, I got to go to my daughter's school and meet with the headmaster, but after that, I'll sh**t over, man.

Just text me your address.

Um, we're gonna have to continue this conversation later, 'cause I'm going over to Snoop Dogg's house.

Snoop.

Oh, the... the dope guy?

That's not near here, is it?

[car engine revs]

[car horn trumpeting]

[hip-hop music]

Wow, nice Bentley.

George Lopez.

Hey.

I heard you were at this school.

I'm Javier.

Mucho gusto.

Hey.

Yeah, my daughter, Erica, is in tenth grade.

She'll be turning 16.

She'll be driving soon.

Ay, lo siento, man.

[chuckles] Thanks.

So how do you like it here at Bragmoor with all the Anglos?

Yeah, it's pretty good so far.

How old are your kids?

Oh, man, let's see.

The girls are 26 and 25.

[horn honks]

Well, back to work.

Back to work.

Here you go.

[upbeat music]

♪♪

What you guys got?

Valet at a high school?

Yeah, just started yesterday.

It's been all right, but the tips suck.

[school bell ringing]

[knocking at door]

So am I in trouble?

George, come on in.

Thanks.

Sit down.

So, George.

Yeah.

As you probably know, tuition only covers a fraction of the cost of running a school like Bragmoor.

So the 30K a year, what...

Drop in the bucket, George.

[chuckling] Wow, that must be a pretty damn big bucket.

Well put.

And it's difficult to keep that bucket full, which is why, George, fundraising is such an important part of our mission.

You ever thought of getting a smaller bucket?

[laughs] You... you're funny.

Thanks.

So at this year's fundraising ball, we want to auction you off as our celebrity assistant.

The highest bidder gets to have you do whatever they want for a day.

sl*ve for a day.

No, George, we don't call it that anymore.

Can I be honest with you?

You haven't been?

When you took your wife's kidney and then divorced her, it didn't really help you with the Bragmoor community.

And just think how proud your daughter... Erica will be of you and your selfless generosity.

What, do you think I'd go for a lot, or...

Oh, yes.

Our consultants have a very robust projection for you, George.

Erica, guess who's a person they're gonna auction off at your school.

When you get this message, give me a call.

Okay, I love you.

Hey.

Just waiting on the valet.

Hey, valet.

Watch out for that guy.

He thinks we're all the same person.

Okay, have a good one.

Why did I think that you lived in Las Vegas?

That's just my pied-à-terre.

You know what I'm saying?

Your pied-à-terre.

Yeah.

This is my woo wop to the boo bop.

This is how I get down.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, but I got to get to this little get-together.

You know, Dr. Dre, Brandy, Helen Mirren.

Wow, that sounds great.

We don't want to keep them waiting, man, you know.

Thing is, uh, they there, and I'm here, so I got to shake, rattle, and roll, and we got to take Al to the David Mamet play.

He's opening up.

Yeah, at the Geffen, man.

At... Pacino, right?

Al Pacino?

Yeah, but the thing is... you know, what's so crazy is that he's nervous.

I'm like, "What are you doing being nervous for?"

We gonna do it.

We're gonna take him out for some drinks, relax him a little bit and get him right before he do his thing.

Right, right, right. Yeah, well... let's go, man, 'cause we don't want to keep him waiting.

Yeah, but look, I need you to kick it and chill here till I get back.

You want me to hang here?

15, 20, 25, 30, at the most.

And Sonia, she gonna flip when she meets you.

[chuckles] Who's Sonia?

My maid.

You ain't even got to do the whole show.

Just hit her with a couple of jokes.

She'll be just fine.

Yabba dabba doo.

Do what you do.

You stood up Snoop's maid?

I mean, I know he's a stoner, George, but he's gonna be pissed.

I don't care what you say.

No, man, he called me to hang out.

I went to his house.

He wanted me to kick it with his maid.

After two hours, I left.

For some reason, you have a way of pissing people off.

You pissed off your ex-wife.

You pissed off ex-manager.

And that's why I'm glad I open for you and don't have to follow you, 'cause your life is a mess.

I don't like it.

My neighbor, this rich white lady, she called me a r*cist today.

You see?

Everything is r*cist nowadays, except them.

Right.

They getting all uppity.

But they're not r*cist. Never.

White people never...

Oh, that's my dude right there.

Antonio!

What's up with the half wave?

You see what you just did?

Even though he's no longer mayor, you still have to refer to him as Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa.

How do you not know these things?

My life is crumbling.

Are you still doing the sl*ve for a day thing?

Hey, man, they don't call it sl*ve for a day.

At the school, it's a fundraiser.

All the money goes to the kids, and it's fun and games.

You know what? I bet the confederates thought that sl*ve auctions were a blast and for a very good cause: picking cotton.

Okay, look, I got to do it for Erica.

Since the divorce, we're not getting along.

She's still at that school.

All the parents are against me.

Nobody honks and waves at carpools.

So let me get this straight.

You have problems at your expensive private school, you're having a gardening dispute with your neighbor, and you were called a r*cist!

George Lopez, you have white man problems.

No, come on, dude.

I got brown man problems too.

At valet, one of the parents tried to hand me the ticket to their car.

[laughs]

What's that?

That's not funny.

A little bit.

Listen, as a Latino, it's humiliating.

Oh, like what being auctioned off would be like in the black community?

[cell phone ringing]

Are you gonna answer that?

No, man, it's just Snoop.

He wants me to perform for his maid.

Hey, did you know Snoop has his own brand of weed?

Yes.

Can you get me some samples?

Come on, man. What's with you and the samples?

Because they're free!

You should see me at the farmer's market.

Oh, this dude is blowing up my phone.

I'm ignoring a rap icon because he wants me to perform for his maid.

Where's my car?

Hey, vamanos vato.

What are you doing?

I'm getting my car.

Vamanos. Let's go.

Time is money. Vamanos.

[laughs]

What are you laughing at?

Dude, everything you ever do is laugh.

Because you just gave Mayor Villaraigosa your valet ticket.

Vamanos vato? Really?

Bandejo.

That means stupid.

I know, I can't believe it either, sir. I don't...

Why'd you post that on Twitter, fool?

Oh, look at the hashtags.

[laughs]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

[tires screeching]

[cell phone ringing]

Man, doesn't anybody work?

[sighs]

Ah, buenos dias.

[indistinct conversation]

Hey, Juan.

[speaking Spanish]

Ah, it's good to be home.

It smells so good in here.

Donde, jefe.

We only see you when something's gone really good or really bad.

What's up with that?

Menudo, cabeza, criadillas.

You only eat that stuff when it's bad.

No, I just came to get some good food visit the hold neighborhood, spend time with my friends.

Why don't you move back?

You could build a house anywhere.

That's right.

I've thought about it, but I think it's too much of a temptation.

You guys would know where I live, try to sneak in.

I'd have to sh**t you, make it look like an accident.

I don't need the aggravation.

Hey, so I heard you gave your valet ticket to Antonio Villaraigosa.

Is this true?

Man, you heard about that?

Yeah.

I wasn't paying attention.

I had the ticket and the money.

I put it out there...

And he was Mexicano.

You gave the keys to the former mayor of LA.

Damn, he may be governor someday.

Well, if he runs, now I got to vote for him.

I almost gave the keys to my brother-in-law once.

Thought he was gonna blast me.

For that?

Yeah.

That's gacho.

Look, you just need to lay low and let this disaster blow over, like when you got drunk and fell asleep in public.

Remember that?

Or "Saint George."

Two things I would like to forget.

You know what? I think you guys are right.

I got to lay low.

I don't even want to drive.

You know what I should do is hire one of you guys to drive me.

Who's not on parole?

Who doesn't have any warrants?

All right, you win.

Come on. Let's go.

[hip-hop music]

You got some big shoes to fill.

Can you park better than that?

So where we going, boss?

We're going to 4Arts.

I got a meeting with my manager.

All right, all right.

Hey, hold on, jefe.

We gonna do this, we're gonna do this right, man.

[speaking Spanish]

All right. Big time.

That's right.

Son of a...

What's up, boss?

Somebody posted a picture of me and Antonio with a hashtag that says, "#Valet-araigosa."

Thanks for coming in.

Yeah, uh...

This is fantastic.

You talking to me?

Yes.

Okay, well, I look at people when I'm talking to them.

Oh, I love that.

Where's... where's Danny?

Shouldn't I be meeting with Danny?

Oh, Danny is in Dubai.

Dubai.

Working for you.

But I'm in here working for you.

Come on in.

Come on.

Hey, man, what are we? Los Lobos?

Stand right there.

[BEEP]

All these swipes and clicks, George, these are all for you.

I'm on top of everything all the time.

This is my life.

I don't go to the bathroom.

I don't get a sandwich, because I might miss something important for you, like this valet thing.

Oh, yeah, listen, about that...

Blowing up!

Blowing up?

Is that good?

Who knows?

The rules these days are very blurry, so let's treat this new media exposure as an opportunity.

I represent TiddlyPie.

TiddlyPie!

What's that?

Is he a rapper?

Who knows?

Right now, he's a major Vine star.

Yeah, he's that little white kid that sits in a wagon and says, "You want fries with that?"

My mom thinks he's hilarious.

You mom still wears her "Where's the Beef?" nightgown.

She thinks everything is hilarious.

He gets 3 million revines a day, George.

He could be a great way to build awareness of you with a younger, hipper audience.

Plus, I think he can make the leap from 6 to 15.

I don't know 6 to 15 means.

Oh, Vines are 6 seconds, and Instagrams can go as long as 15.

I think he can hold an audience.

For 15 seconds? Come on.

Maybe you're right.

TiddlyPie. New line.

Maybe take him to 10 seconds with Snapchat first?

Look, when I signed with Danny, he promised me there'd be big projects coming up.

That's 'cause there are.

Today I spoke on the phone with promoters from Caesar's Palace.

They want to give you a residency show.

Okay, residency?

No, that's... that's what all comedians dream about, having a resi... that's great.

Their research told me I already know about you, which is that you have a very loyal fan base that would definitely make it a "priority" to see your show.

Yeah, hey, I have a loyal fan base.

You have an 80% positive rating among blacks and Hispanics.

Yay.

Okay.

But not as high among other...

Whites?

And Asians.

Only 30% of those groups found you relatable and would definitely come see your show.

Well, George thinks all Latinos are valet parkers.

White people should be able to relate to that.

So you're telling me that I'm a draw, but that could be a problem because my audience is brown.

No, I specifically made sure not to say that.

[scoffs]

All righty, well, will you be by your phone later?

No.

Okay.

Come on.

Hey, man, that Vegas residency, that could be the answer to all my problems, at least the financial ones.

[cell phone chimes]

Hey, yo, check it out.

Carlos Mencia just tweeted, "Lopez needs to learn some respect. #WashVillaraigosa'sCar."

I hate that dude, man.

He's just trying to embarrass me.

Maybe because you said he stole your material.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, man... come on.

And now Antonio retweeted it and says, "If Georgie leaves any streaks, no tip."

[laughs] That's kind of funny, yo.

You know what, dude? It's not funny.

These guys are trying to humiliate me.

Incoming call.

[phone vibrating]

Hey, it's Snoop Dogg calling.

Oh, man, I don't want to talk to him.

He just wants me to meet his maid.

[chuckling] Why?

Oh, my God, now he's texting me.

"What it do? Jizzle my nizzle."

[laughs]

Hey, you heard about them auctioning me off at your school?

That's pretty cool, huh?

[sighs] Dad, it seems needy.

Needy?

What if nobody bids on you?

Why can't we donate a château or a private chef like everybody else?

Your grandma's in the château.

Good luck.

You think somebody would bid on me, huh?

I don't know, maybe.

Man, what are you doing with all those donuts?

You want one?

You know what? Don't cry in the summer when you can't you can't take your shirt off at the pool, all right? Here, give me these.

[upbeat music]

Hey, so what table are we at, boss?

You know, I think you might be a bit much for these people, so kick back out here behind the wheel in case I need to get away fast.

Oh, but if there's any spa treatments in the goodie baskets, they're all yours.

[jazzy piano playing]

♪♪

Hi, George.

Hi, ladies, how are you?

Great.

So it looks like we're both gonna be bidding on you.

I want to take you to my high school reunion.

I brought my Black Card.

Oh, all right.

Your ten year reunion?

Aw!

[laughter]

I don't want to be accused of robbing the cradle.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Yeah, well, in the beginning, and then...

[laughter] Excuse me.

Hey, Erica.

Erica!

You see those two ladies right there?

They're gonna bid on me.

I guess that's good in a creepy way.

Why is that creepy?

That they think your dad is hot?

I'm just glad Mom's not coming.

Oh, she's not here?

You think she wanted to see you being the center of attention?

Oh, okay, that's right.

She probably got enough of that when we were married, huh?

Georgie, let me holler at you.

Snoop, you got kids at this school?

No, but Sonia here, she follows you on Twitter.

Hey.

Hi.

And I told her I would buy you for her.

And when she found out you was single, whoo, boy, you got to go.

Mucho gusto.

Mucho gusto.

Love connection.

Yeah, all right.

Love you.

Sharpen up your shears, George.

You're gonna be doing some tree trimming.

[laughs]

Yo, George.

Antonio!

Looks like I found my assistant.

Hey, when I win you at the auction, you gonna bring your bucket and your rags?

I've seen your tweets.

Very humorous.

Good luck.

Bendejo.

You will be flying on a Global Bombardier 8000.

And did I mention it has the lowest emissions of any private jet?

Hey, Maronzio, listen to me.

I'm at my daughter's school.

They're about to start this auction, man.

I need you to come down here and bid on me.

I am not comfortable with this, George.

A black guy buying a brown guy?

It's kind of like when Goofy had that pet dog.

What was that dog's name?

Pluto!

Yeah.

All right, the car for a week.

Which car?

You know which car I like.

All right.

And I bid with your money?

Yeah, am I gonna pay your rent too?

Hurry up!

Coming to buy the brown guy.

And sold!

Good luck getting the kids going back to first class.

All right, now it's time for one of the most fun moments of all Bragmoor Academy fundraising balls: the celebrity assistant auction.

This year we are honored to have to have as our volunteer Mr. George Lopez, star of "Lopez Tonight,"

"The George Lopez Show," "Saint George"... hey, wait a minute.

Do you ever do anything without your name on it?

Hola, Jorge. Como estas?

All right, let's get to the auction.

Thank you.

Oh, all right, so you're ready to go.

We will start the bidding at $500... oh, and we're off!

$600!

Oh, $800. $1,000!

$1,100!

Oh, Mayor Villaraigosa, $2,000!

He's bringing it up there, isn't he?

$8,000. $22,000!

And we're up to... what... $33,000!

Snoop Doggy Dogg, all right!

$35,000, thank you very much.

Do I hear $40,000?

$42,000!

Mayor, where did you get that money?

$45,000... $45,000, ladies and gentlemen.

We are up to $45,000!

Do I hear $50,000?

$50,000 for George Lopez?

Anybody?

$50,000 right there.

$50,000 going once.

$50,000 going twice.

All right, sold to the black... to the man standing right there.

I own you.

And it only cost you $50,000.

Still got my health.

I know, but I have your car.

[chuckles] Oh, come...

George, that was off the charts...

Oh, thanks.

And we have a lot of charts.

I'm sure you do.

How's the bucket?

It's good.

That fool loves money.

Oh, no...

I'm not giving up, cuz.

Boo bop to the woo wop.

We knew it was you really doing the bidding.

That's why we drove it up so high.

Oh...

Go Team Lopez.

[chuckles]

This isn't over.

Okay, bad news.

TiddlyPie passed.

How did you piss off TiddlyPie?

Oh, no, he loves you, but his people, not so much.

Well, wait a minute, you're his people.

The good news is, our friends in Vegas are still our friends in Vegas.

Oh, the residency show?

They want to take our talks to the next level.

Oh, he's gonna need it after tonight.

Excuse me, I am avoiding Snoop Dogg.

Oh, look, there he is. There he is.

There it is right there.

Oh, man, what's up with this fool?

Eyes on the prize. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What's happening?

Oh, hey, wow.

Look at all these people supporting me.

I mean, I don't want you to cut down your trees, but the people feel strongly.

Well, you got a petition, so I get it, all right?

Um, you know, talk to my new gardener about the trees.

Manolo!

New gardener, man?

That's great.

What happened?

Hey, how you doing?

What's up?

You're not... you're not a gardener, are you?

No.

All right, we're good.

All good. It's all good.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

George, I have great news.

TiddlyPie's click-throughs are through the roof.

Okay, what does that mean for me?

It means opportunity.

It means staying relevant.

Are you in?

Okay, I thought I was out.

Well, they'll have Stamos on the other line so fast, your head will spin, so in or out?

Am... am I in...

In or out?

I'm not sure what I'm in.

In or out?

Yeah, okay, I'm in.

Okay, I'm putting you down for in.

What am I in? Hello?