01x08 - George Doubles Down

[bunniefuu]

(lounge music)

♪ ♪

Man, you were on tonight.

Right?

That was funny.

Some great tags you wrote.

Thanks, man.

You know, what I like about you is that, uh, I don't like you that much.

I feel the same.

But...

I'm not saying that I dislike you.

No need to explain. I already know.

You're not needy.

No, I am not.

You know, even though I don't know that much about you, it doesn't bother me.

You like it, and you don't want to know more.

Exactly. You know, you're not an onion with like, uh, layers and layers.

You know, you... You're like a grape.

Like a seedless grape... just a tiny layer on the outside, and then that's it.

Well put. You don't need an onion.

I don't need an onion. Now, my ex-wife, she was an onion.

You were married?

Oh, yeah, and two kids.

I didn't know... You know, I didn't know that.

And yet, here we are, right?

You just need to know my dates so that you can open for me.

Or not open for you.

(upbeat Latin music)

(lounge music)

You don't want to open for me?

Are you headlining? Who you touring with?

Nobody, but see, when I do a show with George Lopez...

Oh, okay, hang on, hang on, (chuckles)

You don't do a show with George Lopez, you open for...

Only half the people are there to see me.

Half? Maronzio, when you do a show for me, man, no one is there to see you.

But when I headline...

Oh, you're... Now you're headlining? Where?

Mostly in Orange County, two Sheratons and the Beverly Garland in Studio City.

It's nice.

Lounges?

(chuckles)

It's not lounges. They're meeting rooms.

I found a promoter to go all-in on my Double Down system.

What's the Double Down system?

Basically what I did was, I quantify all my motivational speeches into a can't-miss system that will bring you greater wealth, happiness, and personal satisfaction.

All you have to do is double down.

Really?

Oh, this is for real.

First, I took an analytical look at the most successful 12-step programs.

Probably went to an AA meeting, all right.

And I focused them into an 11-point system.

That's just one less step.

Exactly.

My Double Down system is quicker and more efficient and avoids copyright infringement issues.

I got rid of all that "apologizing to people" stuff.

Yeah, that can... That can take up a lot of time, going to people's houses.

And do you know what you do when you're done with my 11-step system?

Go to rehab?

Double down, George. You always double down on 11.

Yeah, okay, in blackjack, yes, but...

Exactly.

Now, you can double down in life.

And that's supposed to help people?

It's helping me already. This promoter told me this could be my ticket off the road, George.

No more PJ make slappy happys.

Okay, well, that's what my residency show was supposed to do for us.

For sure.

I'm not bugging out.

I just need you to free up a few dates, that's all.

So you want me to adjust my schedule so you can go doubling down in these hotels?

I can see you're not happy about this.

This will be a great thing for you to get into your discomfort zone, George Lopez.

I don't... What does that mean?

I don't know yet. I think it's gonna be my follow-up system.

I think there's a flaw to his system.

See, even if I have 11, I don't double down against a king.

That's the flaw?

There's just something about that king staring at me, especially when he has a Kn*fe in his head.

Okay, the flaw is that it's stupid.

And now I have to get Olly to rearrange some things.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith...

Hi, this is George...

Voice mail.

(groans)

(voice mail beeps) Yeah, this is George Lopez.

I got to move some dates around for Maronzio.

You know what? Every time I call Olly in the office, I get a voice mail of her assistant, Tangene, who says she's always away from her desk.

But Tangene is never at her desk.

And Tangene sounds a lot like Olly, but with, like, a lower-pitched voice.

I don't think Olly has an assistant.

Check this out. Let me call back.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith.

We're away from our desks so please leave a message for either Olly or me, her assistant, Tangene.

Yeah, that does sound like Olly.

- Ciao.

But with a weird accent.

Right? And every time we go to the office, Tangene's never there.

The fruit waters are there, but no Tangene.

Hey, as long as the fruit waters are there, does it really matter?

Yes, Manolo, it matters. This is business, okay?

You want to have a manager that's senior enough to have an assistant, maybe two assistants.

(upbeat music)

But this...

(sighs)

But, okay, I guess you don't want to end up like MC Hammer.

What?

Look, Arton is right.

You don't want to build a palace in a dump hole that you can then never sell or even refinance.

Oh, but, Arton, San Fernando is no Oakland.

Oh, much worse, Oakland near Silicon Valley, huge upside.

I like the Raiders.

No kidding.

But imagine the San Fernando Raiders.

(scoffs)

Why not?

Yeah.

Exactly.

Come on, LA's getting pro football.

There's a lot of land, a lot of vacant land out here.

If they build a stadium out there, we can walk to games.

Ah, they gives jobs to big building company, be two years late and over budget.

You know people? Can be built?

No, I don't know...

I don't know people. I mean we're just daydreaming.

I mean, let's build my house first, and then we'll worry about that other stuff.

Ah.

Okay, first thing, I'll get the supplies delivered.

We need a fence to keep out the animals.

They steal everything in this area... oof!

Big fence.

Maybe electric.

By "animals" you mean animals, right?

(laughs)

Good one. You're funny man, funny man.

I got to get to work.

You know what? I don't know about this guy.

Arton?

Yeah.

He's the best. He hits schedule and budget.

Well, I just thought, 'cause I'm Latino, we're in a Latino area, that we would probably go more, you know, local.

Yeah, well, Arton is local.

Hell, he's about the only licensed contractor that will work here.

Look, we need a real ball-breaker.

And I find that Armenians and Israelis are the best.

There's just something about surviving a genocide that seems to make for badass contractors.

Yeah, probably not worth the trade-off.

So is Arton Armenian or Israeli?

I'm not sure.

I think everybody's Mexican, so I don't know.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

George, are we really rescheduling dates just for Maronzio?

You know what? Those dates aren't huge dates, okay?

So why don't you just give them to Tangene?

I'm sure she could figure it out.

Well, unfortunately, Tangene is not at her desk at the moment.

I don't know where that girl goes.

But I do know. I'm in charge.

Ah, right.

Listen, maybe we don't want to move your dates, yeah?

I mean, maybe we use this as an opportunity to find you a new opening act?

Okay, I told you, Maronzio opens for me.

Yes, and he's great, and I love him.

And I think he's so funny.

But he may not be helping you expand your base.

With whites and Asians?

Yes, and the women.

Listen, Maronzio, through his own selfishness, I might add, may have just given you the chance to try out some new openers.

You know, mix it up a little bit.

I don't know.

It's not just about demographics, George,

I mean, maybe you could just do better, you know?

Hipper, cooler, more now... That's all I'm saying.

Well, I don't know about these new acts.

I mean, they're all kids, and they all act like jokes are, you know, something to be ashamed of, like laughter's bad.

George, what if Maronzio decides he's done with you right when the residency hangs in the balance?

I mean, what are you gonna do then?

(upbeat music)

So who's gonna open for you?

I don't know.

Picking an opening act is a big decision.

Olly has a huge list of up-and-coming comedians that she wants me to see.

Sounds like fun.

Why don't you just go and see who makes you laugh the most?

Well, if they're funny...

(bleep) George Lopez.

Who in their right mind would let you judge what is funny?

Well, the entertainment industry, for one.

So does the opener have to be white?

Well, no, but it's a...

Yeah, leave it to George Lopez to turn his back on our community.

For once, why couldn't it be a Latino comedian?

I haven't seen José Jiménez for years.

Why not support him, you coconut mother(bleep)?

José Jiménez is not a comedian.

(scoffs) You could not wipe the ass of his comedy.

José Jiménez is a character, okay?

Played by Bill Dana, a white guy.

Okay?

(slurps)

Why don't I check in to Mel Blanc and see what Speedy Gonzales is doing?

(bleep) George Lopez.

Speedy Gonzales is white?

I just want to expand my audience and make more people happy, but every time George Lopez tries to make somebody happy, I always piss people off.

That's not true.

When you gave me this watch, it made me happy.

Oh, wait, it did piss Eduardo off.

Why did it piss Eduardo off?

I paid more for his watch.

Really?

You know what? I'm not gonna have anybody open for me, no matter who they are, that doesn't deserve it.

But I know who I want, and she's really funny, and she's a white woman.

Those are hard to find.

So Anderson says, "I only wear Prada."

What are you gonna do?

He's a Vanderbilt, right?

I saw him one time in DC. He was... he was nice.

He's great. Look, I'm so glad you called me for lunch, honestly.

Yeah, well, you know, Kathy, it's always too long between visits.

I know, and I was really excited to hear you're ready to make a change, because, you know, if we don't expand our base, we're dead, right?

That's what I keep hearing.

My manager told me that I have to hire an actual branding expert to tell me I need to add a little color to my demo.

Yeah, yeah, did they tell you you needed to pivot so that you can get traction?

Yeah.

A-a-a blackish, kind of Latino-ish, uh Italian-looking dude, tall...

I've got an Asian girl.

An Asian girl? Wow. There's more of them.

Anyway, what you need are the LGBTs, all right?

And you called the right person.

All right, I am swimming in LGBTs.

You got a lot of gaytinos, like the gay...

I love the gaytinos, yeah.

Yeah, I-I had a cousin of mine that was gay, and then he told his dad, and his dad said, "What?"

And he says, "I'm gay," and then his dad said, "No, you're not."

And then he said, "No, I'm not." He got scared.

That's what's called the, um, fluids or the pansexuals.

Now, if you could throw me some straights, I could throw you some pans.

Okay, I think I could help you with the straights.

I need at least five straights.

I'll give you some straights, and we'll swap gaytinos for straights.

And that's how you expand your base.

That's why this partnership, I think, is perfect, you know?

I wanted to ask you if you wanted to, uh, open for me.

For a charity or...?

No, not for a charity. I meant for all... Uh, you know, I'm close to getting a residency in Las Vegas, so, you know...

Oh. (laughs)

Yeah.

(laughing) Okay, good, 'cause that was funny.

Yeah, right, like I'm gonna stop my Carnegie Hall show and then go open for you, George.

I mean, that makes sense.

Wow. You did Carnegie Hall?

Yeah, three times. I sold out. You came one night.

Is that where that was?

Yes, with the symphony.

I'm just kidding. I'm...

I know, I know.

Come on, I almost had you, almost had you.

George, you k*ll me. These lunches...

I'm just messing around. Look at everybody laughing.

I knew it.

Just playing.

I knew it.

We're just playing.

How could Kathy Griffin think I would open for her?

I-is she bigger than I am?

Well, could be.

Okay, how about this guy?

Oh, no, that guy's awful. I saw him in Montreal last year.

He's horrible.

Well, he's funny now.

He's buying jokes from The Joke Pusher.

There's got to be a ton of good people out there.

Isn't that your job, to find the good people out there?

Maybe Tangene should be helping me with this.

Yeah, well, Tangene is out scouting a club right now.

Let me walk you out.

At 1:30 in the afternoon? Comedy clubs don't do matinees.

Come on.

Well, they do.

I mean, and, you know... But I don't know where she is, because she's my assistant, I'm not hers.

She's probably over here. Tangene!

She's probably with Danny in Dubai, huh?

Oh, yeah, Danny's in Macau.

Wow. But... but not to worry 'cause...

Yeah, 'cause me and Tangene are doing a lot of good stuff.

I mean, we... I have the inside track, not even Tangene knows, about this comedian.

He is all the rage.

In fact... Hi. I've got a meeting set up for you tonight.

All right. Um, I'm waiting to meet a guy here, man, so hang back, all right?

All right, cool.

(pensive Latin music)

♪ ♪

(distant sirens wailing)[/i]

Ooh, ay, caramba, it's George Lopez.

Hey, uh, Chip.

Yeah, that's me, but you know what?

You can call me Brad, you know?

Chip is more like a character I play.

It's like my persona when I'm the snarky tour guide.

Yeah, I can see the difference in both guys.

Listen, I can't talk because I'm meeting a dude here, so...

Yeah, you're meeting your new opening act.

You?

Yeah, me.

Wait a minute. Olly called you and asked you to meet me here?

Yeah, she's my girl.

Oh, my God, look, here's how it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna be onstage doing my act, and you're gonna be in the audience, and then we do our thing.

What thing?

You know, our thing, like, uh, I give the audience a tour of all of your recent personal tragedies with my biting and caustic wit, and then you sit there and take it.

Yeah, sure.

Dios mío, there's trouble in paradise for George Lopez.

I love it, whichever guy came up with it, Chip or Brad...

Ah. Oh, it must be 5:00 somewhere because George is getting into the tequilas, you know...

Okay. Turn around.

Okay, I'll just eat.

(cell phone dialing)

This is the office of Olly Smith...

Oh, come on.

So, please, leave a message.

Hi, you've reached Manolo at the office of George Lopez.

I'm away from the car right now, so please leave me a brief message, and I'll be sure to...

Go ahead. No, listen, man, if you want that to be your voice mail, go ahead, bro... it's nice.

I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.

All right, very professional.

Cool.

You just better not be away from the car as much as Tangene is away from her desk.

(upbeat Latin music)

♪ ♪

Come on! Chip?

That snarky-ass tour guide?

George, he has a network development deal at Pivot or Freeform or FYI

or SeeSaw, whatever the good one is.

Listen, don't ever put me in that position again.

Well, okay, well, Tangene, tell Danny never to put George in that position ever again.

She heard me.

Great, Tangene!

Or Danny or whoever you are.

I don't know... Maybe you even have the tooth fairy working on this.

Okay, you didn't like Chip. He wasn't a fit. That's fine.

But I know some really good people doing really socially relevant stuff, like, um, Lenny Bruce and Richard Pryor did.

You know, I think you might just be reading those names off the Internet to placate me.

Well, of course I'm reading names off the Internet.

But they're the right names, right?

Yes.

George, I'm on this. You and I... we're going to a show at Meltdown to check out the future of comedy today.

Future of comedy today... All right.

(chuckling) What... place...

Come on, George.

Is this, like, a hobby shop?

Um, if avant-garde, cutting-edge comedy is a hobby then, yeah, this is a hobby shop.

Smells funky.

Smells funky? Don't tell anybody else that.

(tense jazz music)

Jonah.

Olly.

I'd like you to meet Mr. George Lopez.

Wow. Mr. Lopez... thanks so much for coming down and checking us out.

Yeah, I came to see some comedians, Jonah, but so far, all I see is comic-book nerds.

Oh, well, fortunately there's a lot of overlap.

Yeah, and toy collectors, too.

Uh, do you like Magic: The Gathering, or are you more of a D & D guy?

Uh, golf.

Ah.

Oh, old school, yeah, I like it.

Well, looks like they're about to get started.

Lot of heavy hitters in there.

Uh, Jonah, want me to do, like, ten minutes?

Get everybody warmed up? I think they'll be excited to see me.

I mean, uh, you...

Howard Kremer is just about to go on now, but then, uh...

Oh, Howard Kremer, but you're George Lopez, so that's not too bad, yeah?

Uh...

Uh, thanks for coming by.

Yeah.

(applause)

Hey, g*ng. How are you?

I'll tell you a little about myself.

I could be any villain in the movie "Taken."

(laughter)

I was walking in here tonight, a guy said I looked like the monkey from "Aladdin," on bath salts.

(laughter)

I was born on the cusp of Truck Month and Lobsterfest.

(laughter)

Doing a show this weekend in the back of a Nissan Cube.

(laughter)

Limited seating for that one.

(laughter and applause)

All right, everybody.

Keep it going for your next performer, Mr. Dan DeFrank.

Thanks for bringing me. I mean, that stuff was, uh...

It was funny, not like laugh-out-loud funny, but, you know, experimentally relevant funny.

Yeah. I told you so.

Yeah, that guy... That, uh, Asperger-y guy had that kind of...

That Andy Kaufman thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what? We should make him an offer.

I don't think he's a fit.

Wait a minute... you're the one that brought me here to appeal to a younger, hipper demographic.

I mean, let's shake things up, make that guy Howard an offer.

I already did. He passed.

Already?

Well, he has nothing but much love and much respect for you, but he thinks it would confuse his audience.

Audien... Wow.

All right, how about the tall, slow-looking dude?

Not a fit.

The last girl that we saw?

Not a fit, but I'm on top of this.

We just need to set our sights in other directions.

Well, you know what? Maronzio's my opening act.

Let's shuffle some dates around, and let's get him back, okay?

I already called him.

When?

When I was in the bathroom.

Wow, you are 24-7.

All right, I'm ready to get things back to normal.

Okay, so it's all good.

It's not all good, just 'cause Maronzio heard that you were auditioning people to replace him, and he is pissed.

(chuckles) Yeah.

♪ ♪

Come on.

(tense jazz music)

Man, he's not returning my voice mail messages, emails, text messages. I sent him all emojis, haven't heard back.

You sure this is where he's at?

Yeah, but when you do see Maronzio, are you sure you know how to get him back?

Hey, dude, this isn't a romantic comedy. This is business.

I'll just tell him that, uh, you know, I didn't appreciate what I had when...

When I was with him, and I was foolish.

Until he was gone.

Pretty sure that's what Hugh Grant always said.

How come all your advice is from Hugh Grant movies?

This isn't "Bridget Jones's Diary."

That was a good one.

♪ ♪

Yeah, I guess this is the place.

You don't have to fail, because my 11-step system is fail-safe.

If you have the will, I can give you the power.

And then you will have willpower.

And when you have willpower, you can...

all: Double down.

Exactly.

Now, if you would like to begin with the introductory seminar, please have your credit cards ready.

Yes, sir?

When do you show card counting?

There's no card counting, sir.

The "Double Down" is a metaphor for believing in yourself.

Uh, single deck or two?

So do I double down on ten?

Yeah, like, if a six is showing or something.

Okay, so if I have a ten, a two, and another two...

Hey, George.

What do I do?

You're doing great. You're following the steps.

The progress is showing. Double down, all right?

See you next time.

Okay.

Go ahead, huh? Great job.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Yeah, I overheard you talking to that guy.

That's... that's impressive.

These people come to see me, you know.

This is not my most lucrative venue, but I'm laying the groundwork.

Yeah, uh, listen, man, I-I wanted to see if you would, um, consider giving this up and coming back and opening for me exclusively?

I don't think I can commit to that.

You know, the way you couldn't commit to me?

Damn, this is a romantic comedy. Okay. Maronzio, okay, come back.

Listen, I-I'll do right by you. I'm a different person.

Trust me.

I don't know, George. I just can't give up my dream of being a multilevel marketing millionaire. This is...

Yeah, yeah, uh, I can see. Okay, so how about this? Um, I'll give you a merch table outside of the venue, and instead of selling CDs and T-shirts like you do, you could sell the Double Down system.

The...

George Lopez, you got yourself an opening act.

All right, welcome back.

Huh?

See how my system works?

I got everything I wanted, and all I had to do was double down and bet on myself.

Yeah, that's one way to look at it.

No, that's the only way to look at it.

You can't lose if you keep doubling down.

That's not true.

Even if you wiped out, double down.

Yeah, but you don't have any money.

It's all explained in the book.

Oh, do me a favor. Will you grab my poster?

No, that's not gonna happen. (chuckles) Come on.

Come on, we're doubling down. Let's go.

Hey, there's another poster right here, and there's one in the lobby.