01x09 - George Gets Roasted

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

[funky guitar music]

They took everything?

The 2x4s. The 4x4s.

The 2x6s. The 2x8s.

Okay, all the wood. I get it.

The nails. The bricks.

The Porta Potti! The Porta Potti!

The Porta Potti... Who needs a Porta Potti?

Find them. Ask them. k*ll them!

[sighs] My friend.

You come to this neighborhood like an innocent lamb.

These people? They see you coming.

They slaughter you.

Okay, these people?

Come on, Arton, we can't assume that whoever did this is from around here.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe they are surfers or soccer moms. Forgive me.

Tomorrow, I'll go to the Palisades to find the criminal.

Damn these animals! Damn them!

Okay, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for what happened.

Yeah. You were robbed.

Yep, they put you out of 20,000 bucks, and it's only going to get worse. So we need to build a wall.

Wait a minute. A wall? Last week, you told me I needed a fence.

Too late. You need a big, concrete wall.

I don't know. Big concrete wall in this neighborhood?

Mm-hmm.

Might seem a little unfriendly.

You don't know if I'm unfriendly.

But for now, I have bags and bags of concrete.

I'm a wholesaler, so I can make you a deal.

I stick them deep. Sell them cheap.

All right, you know what? I-I got to go. I'm meeting Olly.

You mean you're driving to Beverly Hills?

No, I'm a big star. She's coming out here.

Manolo, come with me.

I know a place we can lay and wait, in case they come back.

Let's go.

[upbeat Latin music]

♪ ♪

So thanks for coming all the way out here, Olly.

Oh, I had to come out here anyway for one of my other clients. She's sh**ting a webisode or event series... or like a "special content" thing for Hulu.

Or Voodoo. Or Juko.

It isn't Juko.

It's not Snapchat.

Does it matter?

No. Hold on, I'll get there.

It's like two... "hmm." "Huh"

"huh."

"App-Pants."

That's not a thing.

I'll table that, in here, for now.

George, I have great news for you.

Yeah? So you're gonna try to stop remembering the name of that app?

Even better. I got you a roast.

Wait a minute. You got me a roast?

All right. Oh, who am I tearing up?

Is it... is it Kim? Kourtney? Kylie?

Who else is in there? Caitlyn?

Impressive list, but even better better.

It's you.

What? Wait, I'm the one getting roasted?

Yeah. Oh, I'm connecting dots.

Vegas. Uh. Uh.

Roasts. Yeah?

Plus, I've been YouTubing all those Dean Martin roasts you always talk about. Those are sweet. Those are fun.

No, well, you know what?

There's a big difference now between, like, Dean Martin making fun of Bob Hope's golf game, and now, where, like, you have Rob Schneider in front of a room full of people live on television calling me a beaner.

But he's allowed to say that because he's married to a Latina.

You're missing the point.

Roasts are vicious, and whoever's being roasted...

Those things are humiliating.

Well, that's what show business is.

It's nonstop humiliation, so suit up and get in the game.

I don't want to get in that game.

George, a Comedy Central roast could help you with the Vegas residency and get you in with the younger audience, all at the same time.

I mean, we are talking about the Meltdown crowd, the Netflix, the Seeso, the Laffblast... Laffblast is it!

That's the one. I found it.

It's Laffblast. But "Laff" is with two Fs.

That's a horrible name.

Yeah, well, they are running out of names.

'Cause there's too many apps.

Are you in? Or are you out?

Yeah... Don't move your head.

Yes, okay? All right, I'll do it.

Oh! Oh, good. Awesome.

I will reach back to them.

Come on. "Reach back"? Nobody even talks like that.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. So this place...

This is all Mexican food, then.

Oh, my God, yeah. You know, the healthy choices...

They're on the back, right there.

Okay.

That's very funny.

[playful Latin music]

[slurps]

It's gonna be great, and since I don't have a lot of time, they're hooking me up with a team of writers to get me roast-ready.

Thought everyone would just tell jokes about you?

Yeah, but at the end, you get to hit back.

I don't know if I like roasts. They sound mean.

I don't mind mean, as long as it's funny.

Hey, where's that cup that we bought off the TV that lets you eat cereal in the car?

[upbeat Latin music]

So you guys are my roast writers?

Everybody say sup to George.

Sup?

Hi, George.

That's Bill, Mike, Other-Mike, and Other-Josh.

I'm OG Josh.

Original gangsta!

All right. Hey, nice to meet you guys.

It's good to see that diversity talk is working out in this office.

[laughter]

Well, we're excited AF to meet you.

Oh, we got Anthony Jeselnik to host, which is awesome.

He's my boy!

Awesome!

And we're casting a wide net for some awesome roasters.

We're reaching out to Leslie Jones.

To Jim Norton. To Helen Mirren.

Helen Mirren? Did I hear you right?

I said "wide net."

Now, I know you were joking about diversity.

Yeah, not really, but okay.

Well, we just got this great guy, right off the Crimson, to write especially for you.

And... he's Latino.

All right. Cool.

Let me meet him. Where is he?

Right here.

You're Latino?

They call me Blanco.

Here's some jokes. Thank me later.

Gracias, Señor Blanco.

De welcome.

♪ ♪

Are you Latino too?

Uh... just Blanco.

Latino!

♪ ♪

All right.

This is going well.

All right. Can I look at these in the car?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Gracias.

Gracias, yeah.

[playful music]

[intercom buzzing]

♪ ♪

[upbeat Latin music]

♪ ♪

Mr. Lopez, hi. I'm Josh Banks.

Of course you're Josh.

You look like you're selling something I'm not interested in.

[laughs] Joke, right?

They warned me you do those, but I'm not a salesman.

I've been hired to handle your audit.

My taxes?

No, no.

Your jokes.

♪ ♪

Mind if we go inside?

Yeah. All right.

[gate buzzes]

♪ ♪

[upbeat Latin music]

It's pretty simple, really.

I had somebody at the office transcribe all your jokes.

Now, we'll just go over them with a fine-tooth comb to ascertain their time and place of origin to make sure they didn't originate during your marriage.

I can't believe my ex-wife hired you to do this to me.

Maybe because you pissed her off.

That's why we got divorced. Isn't that enough?

Nope. Should have done what the Coldplay guy did with Gwyneth.

You know. Unconscious coupling.

I think you mean conscious uncoupling.

Unconscious coupling is date r*pe, cochino.

Oh, yeah, my bad. [chuckles]

I wasn't hired by your ex-wife.

I was hired by your lawyer and business manager.

You see? I knew those guys were all in cahoots.

Sending in the assassins to carve me up like some Christmas turkey.

No. No, no, no. I'm not sure that's what assassins do, but, rest assured, I'm here to do the opposite of carving you up. Really?

My job is ensuring there are no possible claims against your material.

You know, my material... I write all that stuff myself.

Yes, but if you came up with jokes while you were married, they could potentially be seen as community property, no matter when you exploit them.

Exploit it. That... you... you mean tell it?

For money. Yes.

But listen, man, how in the world am I supposed to remember where every joke came from?

I'll bet you remember more than you think.

Let's try this joke of yours, for example.

"I was at lunch with this 'cabron.'"

[Lopez and Manolo chuckling]

I think you meant to say cabron.

Some kind of drug dealer reference?

[chuckles]

No, it's like a schlemiel. Like a, like a...

Dumbass.

Yeah, a dumbass.

I'm pretty sure I thought of that one at a Thanksgiving dinner.

Was your wife there?

Yeah, she would be there.

Then you were married.

So it goes in this pile.

Okay, look... listen, man, I appreciate all of this...

This is great... I can't hang around here all day and do this, okay, 'cause I've got to prep for the celebrity roast.

That's great.

I'll... I'll tag along.

Oh, goodie.

I'll take the SUV.

Thought you got to drive a Chebby.

I do, but you don't.

Come on, cabron.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

[thunder rumbling]

♪ ♪

I swear he wrote "cholo" on purpose.

It doesn't say "cholo." It says "Manolo."

Nah, that's definitely a "CH." Look.

Come on, dude. You're too sensitive.

Okay, George, this joke doesn't even make sense.

An 11-month-old couldn't answer the door.

Okay, listen, Josh, it doesn't have to make sense.

It just has to be funny. All right?

And as far as you're concerned, it only matters if it made money.

No, it's about control of the material.

It's possible she could claim you and she are 50/50 partners.

Control? So I can't use any of these jokes without her permission? That's not fair.

She couldn't use them without your permission, either.

Sounds like you need some new jokes, jefe.

[funky club music]

My roast writers suck.

It's all Abraham Lincoln jokes with these guys.

Harvard guys.

Yeap.

How can you tell?

It's all Lincoln, robots, and astronaut jokes with those dudes. There's a Skylab joke.

George, why don't you just take jokes from your road act and tailor them for the roast?

That bit about your grandmother would be a perfect sh*t at Lisa Lampanelli.

Yes, I'm very aware, Maronzio.

But I cannot, because... Josh?

Well, that particular joke was conceived during the time of his matrimonial union.

I got to go to my San Fernando house.

Uber him home.

I told you I don't drive for Uber anymore.

Get him a cab!

No problem!

I've got a Lyft account.

There's always a problem with this guy.

He does seem a little intense.

♪ ♪

Arton. What's the big 911 call all about?

I built a wall.

You're looking at what's left of the wall.

They stole my wall?

These GD animals.

I mean, nice neighborhood people.

And then, the other day, I set up a security camera, but...

They stole it?

I fell asleep in my hidey-hole. I apologize.

Yeah, no, it's all right. Don't worry about it.

But do you think I give up?

No.

No, I don't give up.

I didn't in my homeland. I don't now.

Understand?

Nice wall, Lopez.

Got to keep the Mexicans out.

What's up with those dudes?

Let me call my IED guy. He's a miracle worker. Hold on.

Improvised expl*sive device.

I know what it is... hey!

No, no... Put that one on the back burner.

So this joke...

Yeah, the gardening one?

Yeah, Mencia used that one a lot in his act.

I thought of that one when I was on my honeymoon.

Damn, I can't use that one, either. Son of a...

Maybe you ought to skip the coffee, jefe. You seem a little tense.

Okay, pretty much every joke I've written is somehow connected to my life, okay?

I was married for almost 20 years.

I need a whole new act.

Look, there is another way.

We could get her to sign a release form allowing free use, so that we can provide indemnification.

I don't know, she still might be angry at George.

She might be.

Oh, she is.

Well, maybe you need to apologize.

I mean, George, is it fair to assume maybe you weren't the best husband?

A little more than fair.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you can be a great ex-husband.

A lot of people are able to defuse things by apologizing.

A simple, heartfelt, honest apology.

Are you kidding, man? That...

That's harder than coming up with an entirely new show.

Is it really, George?

All you have to do is look her in the eye and tell her you're sorry.

Haven't I been saying the same thing, jefe?

[snaps fingers] I'ma apologize.

I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry.

Yep, but...

I don't think I have to do it eye to eye.

I think I've got something better.

I'll use the roast.

How exactly?

Like what Justin Bieber did. That's what I'll do.

I'll stand there, and I'll take all the abuse.

And then when it's my turn to talk, I'll stand there and I'll say, "I want the world to know how very, very sorry I am to a very, very lovely woman."

There won't be a dry eye in the house.

How can she not be touched by that?

Wow, that's a pretty grand gesture, George.

Maybe a little complicated.

Hey, desperate measures for desperate times.

Olly's been texting me a list of all the people that have signed up to be on the panel.

I haven't had a chance to read them yet.

A-ha! Lisa Lampanelli, the Queen of Mean.

Bob Saget. Jay Leno.

Jay Leno?

He really hates George.

Okay, I hate him. All right?

Erik Estrada. That guy's not even a comedian.

He just doesn't like me.

Donald Tr*mp.

Okay, this isn't a roast. It's an as*ault.

Antonio Villaraigosa. Carlos Mencia.

Donald Tr*mp. These people hate me.

Oh, man, everybody's piling on for this roast.

But you can't back out.

No, of course not. It's my grand gesture.

Apologize on national TV, and get on with my life. Get my act back.

Yep. Got to do it. No backing out.

Oh, man. Eddie Griffin just signed on.

[laughing]

Eddie says he has a separate document just for ex-wife kidney jokes.

Do you have something you need to tell me?

No.

[bar music playing]

Okay, I gave him jokes. It's a job, George.

All right, you're helping Eddie write slams against me.

That's cool. Let me hear one.

Okay, George Lopez is like Taco Bell.

No one with taste likes it, and it's Mexican.

That's not funny.

You could picture Erik Estrada saying it.

[sighs]

Hm.

Oh, man. You know what?

I think I need to say something funny before I apologize, or else it's gonna sound like I'm whining about all the pressures that I'm under. And I'm all twisted from the joke audit.

I got nothing, man. I'm... I'm dead.

You should go talk to him, then.

No.

Joke Pusher?

Your only hope.

Desperate measures for desperate times.

♪ ♪

[dramatic Western music]

♪ ♪

Joke Pusher. What's up?

Okay, we don't need the small talk.

You took the stool. We both know why you're here.

You need something for the roast, right?

Yeah, let's see what you got.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's not how it works.

You give me money, and then I give you an envelope, and then you open the envelope, and then you see the joke.

You want me to pay for a joke that I can't see?

I get no complaints.

Sinbad is very satisfied with my business practices.

Dennis Miller, he threatened me physically, he wants to see it first, but you know who doesn't have any billboards between here and Morongo?

Dennis Miller?

Yeah, exactly.

All right.

This stuff is good, though, right?

Oh, it is gold.

That's the one, huh? All right. Hey, like Johnny Carson.

Who?

Nothing.

Hey, all right.

Really?

Escape rooms. They're very popular.

Rich people pay money to get locked up.

From there, it's just a quick leap to a metaphor about Wall Street.

Yeah, well, you should be in San Quentin for this.

That's good. You're already shaping it.

Making it your own.

It's all in reverse, bro. You've got the punch line first. Damn.

[funky Latin music]

♪ ♪

[tires screeching]

Ha-ha! I got the giraffe cart.

Crap, look out for the drop.

[car crashes]

What's wrong, jefe?

Oh, man, it's the roast.

Because of the popularity of it, man, they're adding another hour to it.

Sounds good.

No, it's not good.

They want to put it on Pay-Per-View so the insults can be uncensored and the audience at home can tweet insults while the show is on.

Why do it, then?

Well, I have to do it.

You know, I have to apologize to your mom and get her to sign this document.

Wait, wait, wait, so you're going to apologize to Mom on live TV for being an assh*le?

Yes, I know. It's a grand gesture.

It's a dumb gesture. You're just going to piss her off more.

Well, can't do it face-to-face.

I don't get it, jefe.

You get up in front of millions of people on TV, but you can't do it to her face?

No, that's why I'm a comedian.

This is pathetic.

Yeah, and self-loathing, but you're welcome.

You think she's right, Josh?

Yeah, you've got a better sh*t at getting this done if you do it in person.

And if I do it face-to-face, I can keep my act.

I wouldn't have to subject myself to this public humiliation.

Then why do it, jefe? They're gonna be really mean to you.

You know, you're right. I'm gonna call my manager and see if I can get out of this thing.

Well, I'm getting her voicemail. She's away from her desk.

That... leave a message, right?

Hey, Olly. It's George.

Listen, get me out of this roast.

No ifs, ands, or buts, okay? Just do it. Bye.

Can I leave the message?

All right. Hey, hey, hey.

I'm out. Whoo!

I'm out of the roast.

Okay! Let's go!

Where are we gonna go?

Now we got to do your apology.

In person.

[downbeat fusion music]

She got rid of the chimney.

It had so much character.

Nobody needs a working fireplace in Los Angeles, but still.

She even painted the whole house.

Yeah. Now the brown's on the outside.

I'm sure she's happy.

Hey, you been dropping any new music in the studio or anything?

All right. Quit stalling, guys. Get out there. Apologize.

Get the release signed, and you are free and clear.

The sooner you get something done, the sooner it is over.

I saw a "may-may" that said that.

A "may-may"?

Yeah, one of those pictures with words on it.

A meme. Okay, I'm going in.

I'd rather deal with this than have to listen to you talk about "may-mays."

I'm here to help, jefe.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

♪ ♪

You got this, jefe.

Meme.

No, it's "may-may."

I think it is "meme."

[glass shattering]

[lively music]

All right, that didn't work. Let's go.

I'm gonna need a whole new act.

George, you're a funny, funny man, and I know you can easily come up with a whole new act.

He's right. You can do it, jefe.

Yeah, I can do it. Just really happy I don't have to do this roast.

Now, let's get the hell out of here.

[upbeat Latin music]

♪ ♪

George, everybody texts and e-mails.

Nobody checks voicemail anymore.

Really? Okay.

I thought this was going to be canceled, and now all I have to defend myself with are Blanco's jokes.

[giggling]

Oh, man, I'm curating the tweets for the roast, and they are great.

And this is just the run-through!

I know, I saw some of them.

Hey, how come they have to be so mean?

Because they hate you, okay? But hate is good.

Hate is great. You know?

People respond to hate.

Okay.

I'm locking down an e-publishing deal for the most vicious ones. It's gonna be good.

Ooh. I feel like, legally, I should probably notify the FBI about that one.

You got b*rned.

George, what's up, man?

Babyface!

What's up, man?

Oh, man, I'm glad you're here.

You got your guitar? I need some soul to just k*ll some of this viciousness that's going on in this room.

Actually, I got some jokes. I'd like to try 'em out.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I'd like to try some.

Could I?

Yeah, all right.

I heard George tried to get out of this roast.

He tried to run like El Chapo, if El Chapo was drunk.

[laughter]

Oh, better.

Wow.

I like that.

You like that? Hold on. Got another one.

Hey, which side is my liver on?

I need to keep it away from George.

[laughter]

'Cause I like to drink?

Here's my best one.

I've known George for a long time.

That's true. That's my man right there.

And he's an assh*le.

[both laughing]

Strong closer. That's my favorite.

Babyface, that's not even a joke.

No, but that's the genius of it, man. You know?

Everybody laughs at that one.

All right. You guys gonna hit me?

I'm gonna hit you guys.

Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar. There's a robot lady at the end. She says, "You want to get your cylinder bl..."

Damn you, Blanco! I got nothing.

I'm gonna get annihilated.

Yikes.

Look who made it back over Tr*mp's wall.

George Lopez!

[applause]