01x12 - George Goes All In

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Olly, what's up with this marquee?

Where are you?

All right, don't move.

What the hell is Tiddlypie doing on the marquee for my show?

Hi.

And welcome to fabulous Las Vegas.

Tiddlypie was just a stopgap measure.

It's a temporary solution to a situation.

Okay, what are you babbling about?

Did one of your apps finally tell you how to destroy my bookings?

Hello, I'm your manager. Have we not met?

This is my job. I'm trying to keep things afloat while you go off and pull another Lopez.

A Lopez, what's that?

She means "go off the rails."

You know, jefe, when you get under the influence and go off?

Okay, that hasn't happened in years.

Okay, well, it just happened. Do you know I have a backup booked for every single show that you do? And it's a good thing I do too.

Tiddlypie just happened to be the backup for this gig, and he killed it.

Yeah, George.

He wasn't on for very long, but he killed it.

Enough Tiddlypie, damn it!

Look, I think we've all just leaned in here.

Tensions are running hot.

Maybe we just pivot out of this and...

Oh, and what, get some goddamn traction?

If we're lucky.

Do you realize your little bender put this entire residency show in play?

Oh, so this is my fault?

And it wasn't a bender, all right?

It was a beautiful thing. You guys wouldn't understand.

I was in the desert drinking cough syrup.

They call it Tussin. Man, we're out there, kinda looking for change and metal artifacts.

Help me, help me.

I found a fork in the middle of nowhere.

George, baby, we have a meeting with the promoters in 20 minutes, and I don't want to say that they've moved off of you, but they love Tiddlypie.

Screw him.

Listen up, we just need to show them that you are all-in, okay?

Okay, you know what? We don't need to show them anything, because there is no more "we."

You're fired.

Okay, so pick a phone, and whichever one you pick, call Danny and tell him he's fired too.

Okay.

I don't know about firing Danny, George.

Okay, you know what, you're fired too.

Oh, I don't actually technically work for you.

My contract is with...

Okay, then just get the hell out of here.

Jefe, you don't want to make decisions when you're upset.

Yeah, you know what, Manolo?

I do want to make decisions when I'm upset.

And you know what? You're fired too.

Because if you hadn't been on parole, you would have driven me to Vegas like you were supposed to, and none of this would have happened.

But it was not my fault.

I have a felony conviction for robbery.

Yeah, it's not your fault.

You were in a getaway car, okay?

Even if you were on your way to Vallarta to get pan dulce for your mom.

Get out of here, man. Go.

Go get in line for Thunder Down Under.

I guess I'm next.

Well, you haven't done anything yet, all right?

So I'll keep you posted.

Gamble.

[upbeat Latin music]

Mr. Lopez, I have to admit, you gave us quite a scare.

I wasn't scared.

I was scared until Tiddlypie showed up.

Pang!

What's up with the arm?

Oh, it's a rounder. Cricket.

Yeah, I was just saying he hit it out of the park.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm glad Tiddlypie was able to keep my seat warm.

Yeah, my team totally dropped the ball.

Well, we're here now.

I want you to know that I'm totally committed to The Flamingo. I mean, I love this place.

Look, it's like classic Las Vegas.

Yes, it is.

To be clear, we're not part of the Flamingo Casino.

We're just workshopping the show in the theater.

Please, have a seat.

Oh, well, if you're not with the casino, then... then who are you?

We're Woodwind and Associates, an investment group focused on entertainment opportunities in venues with legalized gambling.

Vegas, Laughlin, Reno, Mississippi, Louisiana, Macau.

Our reach is global and our pockets are deep.

And when we find the right talent, we get behind them with our full arsenal of resources.

We think you're the right talent.

Wow, that is impressive, and I want you guys to know that I will not let Woodwind down...

Is it "Woodwind"?

Yeah.

Yes, like a clarinet.

Why?

Oh, nobody knows.

I mean, have you ever tried to get a name cleared?

But we are very glad that you're on board.

We've been running models on every aspect of your career, and we think this is a good fit.

After intense focus-grouping at the Planet Hollywood Mall, we realize that we can maintain your core audience of African Americans and Latinos, while reaching out to...

Whites and Asians.

Yeah.

These two.

Oh.

Yeah!

[laughter]

Young and old.

Excuse me?

Sorry, nothing.

Anyway, George, you're our perfect storm.

I mean, if you were any more successful, you wouldn't want to be here.

And if you were any less successful, we wouldn't want you.

Oh, pang! It's a perfect fit.

You did it again, yeah.

Now, about your show.

Yeah, the show.

You know, the old act...

Oh, yeah, out the window.

We know, but we don't want the old stuff.

We want a whole new act.

This show has got to be big, George.

We've lined up the top choreographer on The Strip.

Oh, yeah.

Lionel Debonet.

He's gonna work with you.

Oh, oh, oh.

I've got something that's gonna make us feel good.

Darren Jax just signed on to do our multimedia work.

Darren Jax!

We got Jax!

Jax!

We got Jax!

[laughter]

Okay, well, choreography and multimedia, that's...

George, this is Las Vegas.

People expect spectacular.

And a guy standing onstage holding a microphone, not spectacular.

Even in Laughlin.

Oh, not even in Poniqua.

Poniqua, where's that?

Oh, it's a new Indian tribe outside of Fresno.

Okay, well, you know... Wow, it's a lot to take in.

You know, the multimedia, I don't...

I'm not sure that's what I do.

Well, I'm not too worried about it.

If it's not what you do, it certainly is what Tiddlypie does.

God, I love that guy! I love him!

He's so good.

Yeah, he's funny.

Oh, George, relax. Take it all in.

Okay.

In 45 minutes, Lionel's gonna meet you in the dance hall.

Oh, and George, we've lined up a great writer.

He's gonna pull it all together for you.

Yeah.

A writer?

[Female PA announcer speaking native language]

[machines beeping and chiming]

Not sure how I feel about the direction of things.

George, you got to take a page from my book.

Wait a minute, you got a book deal?

Yeah, I self-published because I believe in my product.

I doubled down.

Hey, George Lopez.

Hey, Josh. What are you doing, man?

Hey.

I remember Josh.

The joke accountant.

What are you doing in Vegas?

Well, technically I'm here to make sure you're not using any of the contested material in your act, but last night I only saw that Tiddlypie wasn't using the material.

Where were you?

Yeah, where were you?

It's a long story.

I had a little car trouble coming into Las Vegas.

You know I wouldn't use any of that material.

I know, George.

To be honest, I just wanted to see Vegas and see how you were doing, and all on the company's dime.

Wait a minute, you've never been to Las Vegas?

Nope.

Tell you what, I'm gonna show you all there is to see about Las Vegas.

I'm gonna show you the greatest places I know, but I gotta do it later, because I got a meeting with my choreographer.

That's another long story.

I'll bet.

You know, I've already lost over 4,000 bucks.

On nickel slots?

Yeah, I need a breather.

You mind if I tag along?

No, definitely, come on.

Cool.

George Lopez.

George Lopez, I've been looking for you.

Blanco?

I'm your new head writer.

No.

Si.

All right, I've been putting a lot of thought into this.

Okay, what's hot right now? Politics.

So you are "Abrahan Lincone."

And you come out in a stovepipe sombrero, and you have a beard, and you say, "Is not my yob."

Oh, my God.

Was that a Lincoln joke?

What, did he go to Harvard?

Yeah.

Listen, Blanco, you've managed to be offensive and plagiarize at the same time.

Plagiarize? I don't think so.

Blanco, that's Freddie Prinze from "Chico and the Man."

"It's not my job."

Well, I don't know his name.

I just saw some clips on YouTube.

Okay, you can't go to YouTube and do other people's material.

Yes, you can. It's meta.

No, it's Mencia.

I don't represent Mr. Prinze's estate, but I think it is seen as bad form in the comedy community.

Let me tell you something, all your ideas have sombreros or donkeys or some stereotypical connotation with them.

Yes, yes, yes, that's the point.

You're owning it.

And you're owning it in a way that's inclusive.

People who are in on the joke, they're gonna think you're clever the way you play with societal perceptions, and everyone else, they're just gonna enjoy it for the cognitive dissonance.

Okay, I gotta hand it to you, because I thought they were just bad jokes.

I didn't realize there was so much thought behind them.

Hm, I based my MFA thesis at Harvard on it and my Hasty Pudding audition at Harvard on it.

I came out as Speedy Gonzales, but I was a robot Speedy, and I was built by Mexicans.

So you're in good hands.

Okay, I'm out. I gotta go.

Oh, yes, choreography, right?

Debonet's a genius. Don't be late.

He's a genius.

[robotic] Ándale, ándale, arriba. Arriba, arriba, arriba, arriba.

[upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

Jesus Christ.

Pick up your feet.

You're dancing, not shuffling.

♪ ♪

I don't know about this thing, Debonet.

I mean, I thought we'd start with a little tap dancing or the old soft-shoe, something a little more classy.

[music stops]

Okay, Fred Astaire.

Maybe you didn't realize it, but you're doing a comedy show.

That means funny. This is funny.

It is funny.

I mean, most of comedy comes from people's pain.

You know, a valet, gardener, a gangbanger.

I'm not even sure who this last guy is.

It's waving a white flag, so I think it is a surrendering.

That is a rag.

This is Car Washer George.

It's funny but with a point.

Blanco explained it to me.

George is dancing with all the classic stereotypes.

You try to separate from them, but you can't.

When you move, they move.

If you try to run, they will follow.

And no matter how fast you dance, ah, they will be right there dancing with you.

Right, I'm owning the meta, okay?

I'm just not entirely comfortable with this contraption.

Well, Tiddlypie didn't have a problem dancing with the Lopezes.

He didn't even have time to rehearse, and he looked like he was born with those puppets stuck to him.

[upbeat dance music]

[cheers and applause]

He is a natural.

You are not.

I will have the four faces sent to your room so you can practice.

"He is a natural. You are not."

Oy. Oh!

I don't know, man, I'm having a hard time getting a handle on this act.

It just feels...

Wrong? Terrible?

It doesn't feel like the George I know from scouring transcripts of your shows.

Yeah, that's because it's not.

I mean, I hate it.

Then why do it?

Because you came in and you took away my act, Josh.

Okay, listen, I'm sorry, man. I just...

I don't have anything else to do, all right?

I mean, I need this show. I've burned so many bridges that I have to find a way to make this work.

George, you helped me with my act.

I'm gonna help you get your act together.

Thanks, Maronzio, I appreciate that.

As I was telling Josh, comedy comes from other people's pain.

I'll just point out which aspects of your pain are particularly amusing.

Oh, you'd do that for me? Thanks.

Yeah, I know, but we'll steer clear of my marriage.

Right.

Let's see, start with Erica.

She's put me through hell. [sighs] Erica.

I was supposed to call her when I got to Las Vegas.

She's gotta be freaking out.

George, she's not freaking out.

See, phones work both ways.

Hey, Erica, listen... Hey, it's Dad.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry I haven't called earlier, but...

I've gotta go. Bye.

Hey, there you are.

George, we were just coming down to the stage to "check things out."

All right, well, "check this out."

You know, about my act, you know Maronzio, right?

Oh, yeah, we know Maronzio is your opener.

As a matter of fact, that's what we came to talk to you about.

When we ran all the focus groups and demo breakdowns, it showed that Maronzio does not add to your fan reach.

Yeah, right, I mean, he's an opener.

Yeah, but if we're gonna sink millions and make a commitment to you, we want to make sure you're making a commitment to us.

You guys want me to fire Maronzio?

We've got some great candidates lined up.

Yeah, but, you know, he was gonna help me with...

We ran the numbers, and the best way for him to help you is to disappear.

Maybe we can get the magician from the Copa Room to help with that. [laughter]

Mar-gone-zio.

Now you see him, now you don't.

[laughter]

Hey.

All right.

I've had it with these crazy promoters.

They just want too much.

And they want you to fire me?

How did you know that?

Maybe by the number of times they were smiling and then turn and look at me, and then looking back and then frowning and looking back.

Yeah, listen, they said that you were funny, extremely talented.

No, they didn't, George.

Yeah, but it's true.

I mean, they just don't think you add anything demographically to the show, and they won't put money into the show...

You know, I need the show, so I'm...

I don't know what to do.

Yes, you do. You have to fire me.

If they want you, you have to double down, and I'm out.

Yeah, but we're friends.

You're also a client, George.

I'm not a client.

Look, you have to bet on yourself.

You have to double down, right?

This is a lousy business, terrible business.

The path is right in front of you.

All you have to do is...

Double down.

Exactly.

You're not mad?

No.

I'm frustrated, I'm disappointed, but I'm not a hypocrite.

Knock 'em dead, George.

All right. Thank you for that.

Double down!

Damn it!

Maronzio!

I think there's a flaw in your system.

The flaw is you split 10s.

Hey, Josh, listen, man, if you keep doubling down on bets, eventually you're gonna lose.

Right.

So I need to stop just before I lose next time.

Well, there's not gonna be a next time, dude.

That's why I took away your credit cards.

Well, thanks, George. You're a good friend.

I better go let my wife know not to use them for a couple or three months.

Good luck with that.

Hey, fool.

Hey, jefe.

George, uh... Mr. Lopez.

It say "Cholo" on that cup?

It says "Manolo."

Hey, listen, if you want to hang around Las Vegas for a couple days, I'll get you a room.

I got to go.

Yeah? You sure? 'Cause it might be fun.

Like just me and you, just hanging out, be all right.

No, I got to get back to LA.

My parole officer refused to let me come out to Vegas.

He said it was too many bad influences.

Wait a minute, you violated parole for me?

I knew this was important to you.

I wanted to be there for you.

Manolo, you could go to jail, man.

You could go back to jail.

I've been told I make bad decisions.

I better go.

Oh, man, this is awful.

I need a drink.

Hey, you have Tussin?

Yeah, it's on that second aisle there.

Oh. Ooh, all right.

Benny, Benny.

What are you guys smiling at?

You guys suck.

I hate you guys.

Step, Fetchit, Fetchit, Fetchit more.

Steppits.

You yelling at them or at yourself, George?

Hey, Broughton.

Hey, man. How did...

How did you get in... How did you get in here?

Are you a ghost?

Did you die?

Oh, dios mio.

Where's Edna? Where's Edna?

I think I could use a shoulder rub.

Don't you worry about where Edna is.

She's fine.

And you know I ain't no dead ghost.

Then how...

It's the Tussin, George.

I'm a hallucination caused by the combination of stress and fatigue and way too many grape and gingers.

So I could make you disappear?

Sure, but your brain conjured me up for some reason.

So you could use the metal detector to help me find my watch.

You're wearing your watch, George.

But you lost something way more important than your watch, and that's not the setup to a joke.

Oh, wait, 'cause I think... I think I got a good one.

Of course you do.

But as long as you can look at your life honestly and be true to yourself, you'll always be funny.

Well, mostly funny.

Comedy's tough.

But this show, I hate these puppets.

'Cause you hate yourself.

Well, I always hated myself, but, believe me, man, these puppets suck.

You got a bigger problem than these puppets.

You have to stop blaming those around you and do what you need to do.

You are right.

Well, since I'm a manifestation of your self-consciousness, you could say that you're right.

Right again. But I know what I need to do, and I'm gonna make everything right, okay?

With everyone.

Hey.

I was working with the four faces of George, and I have an idea I want to show you guys.

Hey!

I did not choreograph that.

No, of course not, 'cause if you would, it would have had one of these in it.

I think I know what he's going for.

He's battling with himself.

If he was wearing a serape and maybe some cross bandoleros like the Frito Bandito, yeah?

You know what, Blanco, you're fired.

Okay, you wanted George Lopez.

I'm trying to give you George Lopez, with a mic and my opening act, Maronzio.

I guess we're going with Tiddlypie.

What? Seriously?

You're gonna give a residency show to that idiot?

That idiot and all the other idiots on YouTube and Instagram are the future of entertainment.

Okay, well, they might be the future, but what's he gonna do now? He has no talent!

What's he gonna do, pull a wagon and ask if you want fries with that?

That's good for six seconds, maybe ten seconds.

You're gonna stretch that into an hour and a half?

He may only have ten seconds of an act, but, George, you have no act.

Wow, okay.

You know what? My life is an act, okay?

I just hallucinated because I mixed cough syrup and ginger ale, and I picked up that cocktail when I was kidnapped by two hillbillies on the way to Las Vegas.

Well, they didn't kidnap me. It was kind of like "Misery," but instead of Kathy Bates wanting to break my legs, the lady offered to have s*x with me because I was her pass.

And get this, her husband's pass is Annie Potts.

I love Annie Potts.

And my driver, he's a sweetheart of a guy.

He can't cross state lines, so I had to drive myself, because he's a felon... and now he might go back to jail.

And he's big and fluffy, which will not be good for him in jail.

Look, I'm telling you, my whole life has been an act.

I was married for 17 years, and my wife gave me a kidney.

And people are like, "How can you divorce a woman who's given you a kidney?"

I said, "She gave me a kidney, not a conscience."

Thank you, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

I love Las Vegas.

[cheers and applause]

Pang! Yes!

Hey, you did it again.

Spectacular.

George, we are convinced.

This is perfect.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I couldn't have done it without my team.

We're sold. Olly, you can kill the backup deal for Tiddlypie.

Olly, we can kill Tiddlypie.

Olly made a very strong deal for you.

It hurt.

Oh, wow.

See? I'm working for you.

We hope you love being part of the Woodwind family.

I mean, you better. You're gonna be doing eight shows a week.

Dark on Monday, so two shows on Saturdays, for the next three years.

Minimum. You could be doing this for the rest of your life.

[cell bars clanking shut]

[cheering] Wow-wow-wow!

Let's celebrate!

Yeah, drinks, drinks.

Whoo!

Come on, let's go.

Drinks, drinks.

Yeah, come on.

Let's get some drinks.

Come on, George.

Yeah?

Yeah.

It'll be fine.

All right.