01x06 - Six Grand

[bunniefuu]

Man: I'm just going through it in my mind, Chef.

This you don't need.

Yes, Chef.

Gordon: You do not need that.

Look at yourself in the mirror, and scream risotto ingredients.

Ingredient number one... What is it?

Oil, Chef.

Rice, you [bleep]

[laughs]

Woman: Michael kind of is a hot mess.

What are you guys doing in here?

Oh, you know this TV's better than the one in the living room.

We're watching something here.

What happened to the gym?

We already went.

Oh, so no you're sitting on my bed, and you're both soaked in sweat.

He don't sweat much.

He's half Cherokee.

Navajo.

Can you please not sit on my bed after the gym or ever?

All right, Shake, take the chips.

Sit on the floor. Come on. Do it.

Floor?

Yeah.

Gordon: [bleep] risotto...

You happy?

Elated.

Can two men have a nice time?

You know what, Shake, I'm gonna take a shower.

And just want you to know last night I had a good run at the table.

I got 6 grand in that top drawer.

Yeah, so?

I just want you to know that I know that there's 6 grand, to the penny, in that f*cking drawer.

You know what, you just told me to sit on the floor.

Now you're implying that I'm a thief.

You know, what's... You know, uh, don't you think that's taking things a little too far?

No. In the meantime, I saw you go into the coffee café last week and steal a pair of sunglasses from that guy's table.

That doesn't make me a thief.

I'm a... I'm a kleptomaniac.

There's a difference.

What's the difference?

It's a disability. It's like being blind.

[scoffs] All right, forget it.

You know what, grab your chips, lay on the f*cking bed.

She's gone. Let's have fun.

No, you know, I'll stand.

♪ ♪

Oh!

[crowd chanting "Dice"]

Top of the world, ma.

Hey. Where'd Milkshake go?

I don't know. He left.

Why'd he leave?

Hey, maybe he left 'cause you treat him like sh*t.

I don't treat him like sh*t.

I f*ck around with him.

There's a difference.

I'm just saying maybe it would be nice to once in a while show him a little gratitude.

I mean, he is your best friend.

You know what, maybe he should show me some gratitude.

Let me explain something.

Dice is, like, the greatest friend you could ever have.

You... You just don't get it.

I get that you're a man who speaks in the third person.

Really?

I don't know what that means, but, you know, all I know is that means you got to take Dice to his lunch meeting.

How did I get stuck taking you to Tangier's?

I thought Milkshake was gonna take you.

What do you want me to tell you?

He had to take off on me.

And don't worry about it.

I'll be out of your hair before you know it, okay?

Tomorrow's the big fight, and guess what.

Huh?

The old crew's coming to town.

Limelight's coming. Coconut.

And guess who else... Bobby the Mooch.

Bobby the Mooch?

Yeah!

I haven't seen Bobby since he got married, moved to Philly, got divorced, lives in Tampa.

Honestly, I wish he'd stay there.

Babe, I'm taking him to lunch today. That's all.

Andrew, don't let him borrow money again, okay?

You don't have money to loan.

Well, Bobby's got his lunch with Dice, okay?

He don't have that, he's got nothing.

You're a sucker.

I'm a sucker?

Why don't you shut your mouth, get in the car, and drive me?

Shut my mouth?

Get in the car. Come on.

♪ ♪

Dice: Look at this. Who's over here now?

Look at this f*cking guy.

Me? You.

Look at you. Let me hug this guy.

Oh, my gosh.

Let me squeeze this guy.

You're still like f*cking Hercules.

You cocksucker, you. Look at you.

Jesus Christ. What the f*ck?

How are you?

[ Bobby ] Hey, it's been too long.

What has it been, like seven years?

Yeah, it's been a while.

Ah. But you... You look good.

No, you want to know something? You look good.

Then again, I always brought out the best in you.

Excuse me, sir, your 1990 Donati Volere.

Okay.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [sniffs]

Oh, this is [sniffs]... Yeah, this is f*cking delicious.

We'll, uh... We'll take a bottle.

All of that, please.

Oh, Bobby, Bob... Why don't we go by the glass?

I'm not gonna drink that much.

Dice, don't worry about it. I get it. It's pricy.

But, uh, it's on me.

It's on you?

Yes, yes. I got it.

You got this?

I got this.

Bobby. I know everybody here.

We can't just dine and dash like the old days.

No, no, no. It's not like that.

I got this.

You got it? How do you got it?

Let's just say I fell into some money.

Really? How far did you fall?

It was a pretty good fall.

I, uh... I gave my nephew a few bucks to build an app.

The little prick turned it into something big, huh?

Really?

I made a small fortune.

How small a fortune?

High seven figures. Yeah.

But I don't like to talk about money, you know.

It's gauche.

You know what, I never... I never thought I'd see the day where Bobby the Mooch is buying me a porterhouse.

Yeah.

But let's face it, after what you told me [chuckles]

Bobby the Mooch ain't mooching no more.

[chuckles] Yeah, you know, um, about that nickname...

Bobby the Mooch... I was wondering, maybe... maybe it's time that I could get a new name.

What do you think?

What?

No, and I don't mean any disrespect.

I was honored that you even gave me a nickname to begin with.

It made me feel like I was a real part of the crew.

You know, like, I was more than just a friend.

Like, I was family, but a lot of things have changed.

Bobby, let me stop you right there.

I mean, do you understand the magnitude of what you're asking me to do here?

Yes, I do. I know there's rules, Dice.

And one of them is you never change...

Never.

Ever.

Never, ever...

Ever. change a name.

You never change a nickname. I know. I know.

What I'm just asking is maybe you can consider it.

All right, all right, I'll... I'll think about it. Come on.

It's a consideration.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

You're all right.

[laughing continues]

[chuckles] What's... What's so funny?

I'm just thinking about those times when you were the king.

Exciting f*cking times, right?

It was fantastic.

We did everything.

Everything.

We rocked the world together.

We kicked ass, man. You were the man.

You... You remember this... this one time at the comedy club, when you asked me to come up onstage?

You remember that?

One time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to have you come on all the time, you know.

You mean like Beansy the Ball Man.

No, it's just one time you had me come up there.

You had me roll around like I was a f*cking dog, and you were like, "Roll, m*therf*cker. Roll, m*therf*cker." Do you remember that?

I... We did so many things, you know?

Did... Did you know my mother was there that night?

Your mother was there?

No. I didn't know.

I didn't know that.

No, she was there.

You were like, "Get on your knees, m*therf*cker.

Roll around like a dog, m*therf*cker."

[laughs]

Act like a f*cking mutt, you dumb, stupid dog, you.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was just so funny, man. My mother was dying.

You know, she... she... she talks about that all the time... all the time.

When I told her I was gonna see you, she was talking about it.

It was a, uh, a very memorable moment in my life, you know?

Very, very memorable.

Well, you know, uh...

You know I love your mom.

You know?

Yeah.

I would never do that if I knew your mom was there.

Yeah.

You know that, right?

Of course.

What... What about... What about everything else?

Do you think of those things?

Remember... Remember when you were unemployed for like, what, a year and a half?

Who hired you?

Then you fired me.

Yeah, I fired you, but I took you back, didn't I?

Then you fired me again.

Yeah. And I took you back.

And why would I fire you?

I don't know.

'Cause sometimes you'd be like an assh*le right?

But who always took you back? Who always had your back?

Yeah.

Okay?

Hey, the bottom line is the whole crew is back together this weekend.

We're gonna have a great f*cking weekend.

Yeah, we're gonna have a lot of fun, me and you.

It's gonna be great.

I don't understand.

He said he thought it was f*cking funny.

It's not what he said.

It's how he said it. You know what I mean?

It's Bobby the Mooch we're talking about.

He was always a little off.

You know, he wants to change his nickname.

What kind of animal would suggest such a thing?

Exactly. I give the nicknames.

Dice gives the nicknames.

Dice, got some bad news, bro.

Denali needs another day.

You're the f*cking worst!

I know. I'm so sorry. It's so ironic.

It's like this is what you get for being such a loyal customer, right?

So, what am I gonna drive?

I feel bad.

I'm gonna give you my car... my own car. It's really nice.

It's got a great CD collection, dope-ass sound system.

Who gives a f*ck about the sound?

I need my Denali.

It's the only car I got where my back feels right.

It's all I got, man.

All right, where... where... where is this car at?

Where's the dope car?

♪ ♪

Oh, my f*cking back.

Hey, Dice.

Is this yours?

No, it's a loan.

If you don't like it, look at something else.

Park the car. Don't judge the car.

[Valet] Sorry about that.

Don't even bother with this guy.

Go make the f*cking chips.

Where are they? Where are they?

There they are.

Hey! Ohh!

Limelight Eddie, get the f*ck over here!

It's been too long, my friend.

Coconut!

Dice, look at you!

Get the f*ck in here, you f*ck.

How you been?

Look at you!

You look f*cking fantastic.

Thank you.

Bobby! Bobby! Give me a hug, you f*ck.

I'll give you one.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at this chum.

Bob, Bob.

Hey, hey.

Hey, thanks for hooking us up with this beautiful place.

Dice, come on.

Come on. For you guys, I'd do anything.

And wait till you have the breakfast buffet here.

Beyond f*cking belief. I'm telling you something.

The best breakfast buffet in Vegas.

Yeah. In Vegas. In Vegas.

You can't find a better place to watch a fight tonight.

That's for sure.

Oh, this is un-f*cking-believable.

Hey, who's ready for me to take their f*cking money?

Take their f*cking money? Get the f*ck over there.

You ain't taking my money.

We're in Vegas. We rule this f*cking place.

♪ I met a crazy man the other afternoon ♪
♪ And you should have heard the things that he said ♪
♪ He said he knew some things that I couldn't know too soon ♪
♪ And he spoke of other visions in his head

And, boom, three aces.

Sorry, fellas.

Wait a second. How the f*ck do you have three aces?

I have two myself.

Where'd you get those?

Legally!

Are you cheating again?

Are you f*cking cheating?

He's not cheating.

He's my first best friend. He don't cheat.

You f*cking rat.

He's a f*cking cheater.

You know what's so f*cking crazy about this?

It's like this is what we were doing 20 f*cking years ago.

How f*cking great is this?

It's great. It's just like the old days.

And speaking of the old days, we need to outfit ourselves for this special occasion and dress ourselves like men. No?

We're gonna go to the mall get some new suits.

Perfect. I could use a new suit.

And some jewelry.

No, look, guys, listen to me. Listen.

I don't mind getting you the suite, getting you the breakfast buffet.

That's all good, okay?

Coconut, I'll even get you the kind of whores with those big kettlebell f*cking tits that they could bang over your f*cking head, Coconut.

But going to the mall and splurging, buying suits, jewelry... I just...

You know, I can't, like, exactly pick up the tab.

Dice, you know what?

What?

Tonight I'm gonna pay for everything, all right?

As a tribute to you for all the times you picked up the tab for us and you had our back.

Whoa, Mooch.

Really?

Absolutely.

Big sh*t now.

Honestly, it would be my pleasure, especially since, you know, you're not rolling in the money like you used to, you know what I mean?

Bobby, I-I'm doing just fine.

I know. I can tell you're doing just fine.

Maybe you're just... You're picking up on the subtext.

I didn't mean anything specific by it.

Subtext? What do you mean by subtext?

There's a subtext of you're in financial troubles.

Yeah, you know what subtext is to you... jerking off with your left hand.

Look, I'm just... I want to have a good f*cking time like we used to, okay?

Can we not have a nice time?

Just a gesture of my appreciation.

You know what, I appreciate that you want to pay a little tribute to me.

Absolutely.

I get it.

Who wouldn't want to pay tribute to you?

Thank you.

[doorbell rings]

And you know what, Shake, nobody goes to the mall anymore.

Who the f*ck goes to the mall?

Right now, tonight... the mall is coming to us.

♪ Yeah ♪

Ladies.

Holy sh*t.

Bianca. Celeste.

I can't remember your name.

And Diana.

Everything's on me. Huh?

Look at this. Her hair... It's like a f*cking blanket.

It's like a cashmere blanket.

♪ Rough all night ♪

This one's, uh, Celeste over here.

She's the best.

Yeah, come on, Dice.

You don't want to get a part of this?

Come on, Dice.

Any which one you want. Just pick one. So, Dice, listen.

About yesterday, have you given any more thought to that name conversation we had? Huh?

You know, I got to weigh the pros and cons of the whole thing 'cause if I let you take your own name, then it's anarchy, you understand?

Right, right.

Then everybody wants to name themself what they want to name themself.

It's like remember Lenny?

Yeah.

Yeah.

He got his finger cut off. What did I name him?

Four Fingers Lenny. That was f*cking perfect.

It was nine.

What do you mean, "nine"?

He still had nine fingers left.

I'm not saying it wasn't a good nickname.

It's a great nickname. But what I'm saying...

But what if I help you out with this one?

I'll help you a little bit.

Yeah, how you gonna help me?

I was thinking why don't you start calling me Bobby the Wad?

Bobby the Wad?

Yeah.

And this one... It... It... It's a good reason because, you know, first of all, I'm rich now.

And second of all, when I was a kid, when I was younger, when I would jizz, I would blow these ginormous wads, you know?

So Bobby the Wad.

What do you think?

Hands off, Bobby.

I mean, you seriously want me to let you base your nickname over money and loads?

Yeah.

You expect that to happen?

Why not?

You believe, in my world of giving nicknames, I'm gonna base your name off of your loads?

It ain't gonna happen. No.

No?

No.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

That's good, right?

Yeah.

That's good by you, right?

Yeah, it's fine.

Say it. Okay.

It's fine. It's fine.

All right, so that's not the nickname, then, right?

No. You sure you don't want to get a suit?

I mean, I think you would...

I'm good.

Yo, Bobby the Mooch. Check it out.

[laughs]

Look at that.

Look at you, the f*cking p*ssy slayer over here.

He's like Money Mayweather. You look good.

Thanks, Bobby.

Of course.

I haven't looked this good since my cousin's parole hearing.

This is all because of you.

Ah, it's my pleasure. It's my pleasure.

He looks fantastic, right?

Yeah.

Oh, Dice, I see you looking at that gray suit over there.

Why don't you buy on of them suits?

Listen, thank you, but I don't want a suit.

Well, could you at least just try it on?

I don't want a suit. I'm good.

You got to try one. Just try one on.

I'm trying to get him to try it on.

He won't try it on.

Yeah, with the thread count.

Shake, look at me now. I don't want a f*cking suit.

What are you wearing a suit for?

What... What's this about? What are you now?

What is this? It looks ridiculous.

Yeah?

I think it looks... I think it looks good.

What do you mean by that? I don't... I'm out.

I don't know. I'm just not in the mood for a suit.

I had a car like this once. I was 16.

Yeah, it's just a loaner. Relax.

Wait, this is your car?

No, it's a loaner.

This is your p*ssy magnet? I was joking around.

It's a f*cking loaner. Come on, now.

Hey, are we all gonna fit in there?

Hey, wait. Maybe we should take another car.

Are you f*cking serious?

Get in the f*cking car, Bobby.

[hip-hop music playing]

Valet: Fellas, welcome, welcome.

Hey, what's happening?

Oh, f*ck, this car's k*lling my back.

Sir, don't even park it.

Just drive it into the f*cking river.

♪ ♪

Does this impress you?

It doesn't impress me.

Take it. Take it.

You know what it is... it's f*cking Mooch.

He keeps trying to big-time me. You know what I mean?

Yeah, you can't big-time the biggest.

You got a point there, my friend.

Hey, you're the man of the hour.

Hey, how you doing?

You get a free dance.

Really?

Nice to know I can still come into a strip joint and get a complimentary lap dance, eh, Shake?

That guy over there bought you the dance.

What guy?

That guy... Bobby the Wad.

Yo, Dice, let's get crazy, all right? I love you, brother.

You know what, sweetheart, I'm gonna have to pass on this.

I'll take it.

No, you won't.

Hey.

We'll see you later.

Bobby: Hey, Milkshake. I got 6 grand in cash on my nightstand back at the hotel room.

I'm just saying.

Hey, Bobby, Bobby, that's our bit with the money in the nightstand.

That's what we do.

He doesn't mean anything by it. He's just...

Don't tell me what it means. That's our bit.

Bobby: Well, you know what, technically, Dice, it's not really a bit because I actually do have 6 grand in cash back on my nightstand.

When I say 6 grand, I got it.

When you say it... it's a bit.

All right, big sh*t, all right?

You know what, let's go back to the hotel and watch the fight already.

You know what, I got a better idea.

Like what?

Yeah, we can't watch the fight of the century in a hotel room like a bunch of hand jobs.

No, we need to do this with style.

We need to do this with class. We need to do this VIP.

Huh?

Whoa, sh*t!

I got us VIP seats to the fight.

Ohh. Are you kidding me?

You see what I'm talking about? This is gonna be good.

I figured I'd surprise you guys, all right?

Dice, uh, grab my jacket.

Grab your own jacket.

Come on, Dice. Don't be like that. Grab my jacket.

I don't carry another guy's jacket, Bobby.

You should know that.

Y-You're closer. Just... Just grab it.

No, we're equidistant.

Equi... What are you, a linguist now?

[chuckles]

Come on, your hand's right next to it, Dice.

I used to carry your jacket all the time.

'Cause that's the way it is.

Really? Well, I paid for dinner.

I paid for the suits. I'm paying for the lap dances.

And I got us VIP seats.

So you're gonna carry my f*cking jacket.

That's the way it is.

Carry your own f*cking jacket, Mooch.

It's the Bobby the Wad, all right?

I'm Bobby the f*cking Wad.

Mooch!

It's Bobby the Wad's jacket.

It's Bobby the Wad!

Gentlemen, is there a problem?

No, no, there's no problem. We're getting out of here.

Let's go, Shake.

Oh, you know...

Obviously, guys, I've drawn a line in the sand, so you got to pick a crew.

Make your choice. Make it now.

That's putting us in an awkward position.

I mean, he got us tickets to the fight.

Shake, I could understand these two clowns selling out for a couple of tickets.

What's that all about?

Shut the f*ck up.

But you...?

I want to go to the fight.

They're with me now, Dice.

Condolences.

Grab my jacket.

You know what, Shake, you made your choice.

You carry his jacket.

♪ ♪

Dice!

Hey.

You going to the fight tonight?

You know what, I don't think so.

What? I thought the Dice Man never misses a fight.

Your man, Victor, is gonna do some damage.

He is, isn't he?

You know what, take this.

You got me thinking, dog.

I'll see you.

Have a good one.

You, too.

The welterweight championship.

Little Mel!

Little Mel, get the f*ck over here.

Dice, man! What's happening, my man?

Man, I missed you.

Absolutely.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, man, it's been a minute.

I told Vic's trainer I'm gonna try to get over here before the fight, you know, pump him up, give him a little inspirational speech, you know what I mean?

Okay, all right, here's the thing...

It's packed in there tonight, Dice, and I mean, I don't have you on the list, so...

No, no, I know that because I had to do a show, and I told him as long as I'm done, I'll get over there as quick as I could.

Thank God I'm even seeing you, you know?

Yeah, man. Yeah.

Can you get me back there quick?

The fight's about to start.

All right, all right, listen.

You know what I mean?

I'm not supposed to be doing this. I got you, though.

Yeah, no, come on. Come on.

Follow me. I got you.

Oh, my God. I missed you.

All right, follow me, my man.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Do you got anything like VIP, but closer than VIP?

Aah, closer than VIP? I don't know, my man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, I was just thinking out loud.

Like, I don't know, like, maybe, like, in the ring, like, you know, sitting on a bucket or something in the corner.

I don't know. Let's see.

Yo, Vic!

Dice! Funny Man!

Oh, what are you doing there?

Dog, what's happening?

I'd know you anywhere.

Dog, what the f*ck?

[chuckles]

Are you ready for this tonight? Huh?

You ready to knock this guy out, huh?

'Cause you got about 10,000 chicks out there just waiting for you, you know what I mean?

And the more you hit him, the wetter that box... Oh, sh*t!

They're so psyched up for you.

Two rounds! Two f*ck... First round you set him up.

Second round put him down.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Are you f*cking ready?

I'm ready.

Are you ready? Give 'em to me, dog.

Let's get this m*therf*cker!

It's "go" time!

It's time! Go, go, go, go!

Let's go. We're going to get the p*ssy now.

[cheers and applause]

[speaks indistinctly]

You want p*ssy, you knock that f*cking p*ssy out.

You got... Ohh, you enjoying your seats up there, Bobby?

I got the real VIP. I'll be sitting in his corner.

Good for you, Dice.

Yeah, enjoy the nosebleeds, Mooch.

These ain't nosebleeds, and my name ain't Mooch.

It's Bobby the Wad, assh*le.

Oh, really?

Oh, no, no, I got your nickname.

What is it?

Bobby f*ck!

It's short for Bobby f*ck-head!

You want me to come down there?

Yeah, go ahead.

I'm gonna smack you around, assh*le.

Forget about it. I'm right here. I'm right here.

You f*ck.

What? What?

Say it to my face now.

Say it to your face? Bobby f*ck-head!

Ohh!

Oh, my f*cking back!

Yeah, what's the matter, assh*le?

Oh, f*ck!

Your back?

Oh, f*ck.

Oh, your back?

f*ck you, you...

It's not your back.

It's your f*cking face, dog face!

It's your f*cking face.

Roll over now, doggie.

Sniff my assh*le.

assh*le!

You f*cking cock!

Roll over, Bowser!

f*ck you! f*ck this f*cking guy!

f*ck you! Shake!

Get him out.

Shake, don't let them take me. My f*cking back.

Dice, maybe you should just go home.

Shake! Shake!

[crowd cheering]

[sighs]

f*ck!

♪ ♪

[sighs]

What the f*ck are you looking at?

I know it's hard, sweetheart. I know.

You got your best friend, Milkshake, and the other guy... the old friend, I mean.

Yeah, I mean, he's causing all these problems.

No, you can't let him come between you.

I got to tell him. That's all.

You got to talk to him. That's what you got to do.

You're so right. You helped me so much.

Oh, I'm so glad.

I'm gonna friend you on Facebook 'cause I got to go find him now.

Oh, honey. Ohh. Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Ohh.

You're the greatest.

Oh, you're the best.

You're the greatest, okay?

I love you already.

Okay, thank you.

I love you already.

Thank you so much.

All right, baby.

Milkshake! Milkshake!

♪ ♪

Milkshake! Milkshake!

I love you, Milkshake.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Dice.

I am sorry.

I love you.

Dice, calm down.

No, no, no. I-I-I got to tell you, you know, I mean, sometimes I really do take you for granted, a-a-and I want you to know that I care.

If you want to be part of Bobby the Mooch's entourage, that's okay by me, as long as me and you... me and you are best friends forever. Me and you.

You think I want to be part of Bobby the Mooch's entourage?

Are you crazy?

Huh?

I... Listen, I've been playing him.

You what?

Wake up, I've been playing Bobby all along.

Check it out. 6 grand.

I snatched it out of his nightstand table.

You are diabolical.

You think I would really betray you over anything?

Look, you're my buddy, pal.

Let's go spend 6 grand.

Let's go spend 6 f*cking grand.

What are we doing standing around here?

You're playing f*cking craps.

You already won today.

You and me... We buy suits the right way.