02x11 - Gone As A Girl Can Get

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Wynonna Earp.

I beliefe your sister knows where the last seal is.

Give it to me, and I'll save your little lover's life.

- Trust us.

- I need your help.

- My price'll be steep.

- Whatever it takes.

Doc's ring?

The third seal.

Waverly...

what did you do?

- That.

- No deal!

Hands off that trophy, witch!

No!

- You two Earp girls...

- One will disappear.

I know what we need to do...

- Wynonna!

- Who's Wynonna?

No idea!

We've got a wedding to plan!

Wynonna!

Get in that barn!

Get the hell in that barn!

Guys!

I found it!

It's over here!

It's too late!

We're not gonna make it.

No!

I cannot die!

I've only had sex one and a half times!

Guys, we're not going to die.

Jesus!

Jesus!

Watch that thing, Jeremy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

- I know how to get her back.

- Who?!

Wynonna.

I just hope it's not too late.

Wynonna?

Wynonna!

Please, help!

I'm in the well!

Hey, Boss.

It's just me, Stevie.

Why did you...

call me?

You said you didn't wanna see my face.

- Until you found it, Boss.

- I changed my mind, get me the hell out of here!

Somethin' wrong with that ladder?

So, did you?

- What's that?

- Find it.

Peacemaker?

Mother of Pearl, no!

Your ring.

I do not give two shits about that ring right now.

Sure.

It's not like you slashed eight of our guys since it went missing.

Something's missing alright.

Take me to the Earp homestead.

That name's been banned, on thr*at of ballcrushing death.

Your words.

Well if they are my words, then it is my rule, seems only I can break them.

- You got it, Joey?

- Stevie.

Joey's fine.

And for god sakes...

Somebody put a lid on that thing.

Aagh!

Shipment went out today, no trouble, Boss.

"Boss"?

The Boss?

Old Gramps out at the Hitchens place threatened us with a Blue Light Special, but I sh*t this off.

Let's just say that he's got two bad ears now.

Did you skim any of my payment from said shipment?

No Boss!

Please, not like Wayne.

Who's that now?

She's at it again.

No, I told her no more.

You know how stubborn she is.

Well, that I certainly do.

You want me to take care of her?

Hey!

Get back to work.

Wynonna?

I'm going to need another poster.

This one's nearly out of face.

Rosita!

What the hell are you doing here?!

Cooking product that you don't deserve to sell.

I need your help.

Wynonna and the baby, they've been taken...

I told you, if you ever touched me, I'd poison the lot of you.

You're shackled.

- Did I do this?

- Yeah.

Six months ago.

Who's Wynonna?

In a different world, my hand was on the trophy when Gretta cast the spell, made Wynonna vanish...

Or did she ever even exist?

Seriously, Boss?

Have you been snorting too much of your own product?

I must've gotten myself out of the well, rallied this sad ballsack of a g*ng.

Without her I'm...

What are...

- What are you doing?

- Setting you free.

Waverly Earp.

Do you know her?

- I know a Waverly Gibson.

- Xavier Dolls?

Yeah, Deputy Marshall Dolls.

He'll sh**t you on sight.

So some things haven't changed.

I need to speak with him immediately.

Yeah, well, you better bring backup then.

Or something that will make him listen.

She's vanished.

We're free.

You're gonna tell me what I need to know, or you'll die trying.

Without her, you will all die.

Who?

Remind me again, how did you capture me?

We followed your trail of dead priests, construction workers, and...

Marvelous.

Doesn't matter.

You're here now and you're going to tell us what you're doing here in purgatory.

Yeah, and why you're destroying consecrated ground.

Also, there's a lot of creatures making their way to the Ghost River Triangle.

Why?

What are they searching for?

You're the one who should be searching for something.

Let me give you a hint...

It's a woman.

Beth?

Yeah.

She'll be joining you soon.

You're so close!

It's going to be like Christmas, watching you writhe.

Doc Holliday.

The Doc Holliday.

Dolls...

- What happened to your face?

- You and a Kn*fe.

And I cannot wait to return the favor.

You sh**t me, it's gonna be one hell of an expl*si*n.

Yeah, I've seen your work up close.

Are you here to confess, about the power plant?

Lumber yard?

Nedley's house?

- Sheriff Nedley?

- Yeah.

No, I would never!

My God...

Is this what we are without her?

Her?

She was...

She was everything!

And she has been taken, or worse, erased!

Are you gonna make a demand?

Because if you're gonna make it, make it now, before I sh**t that compensating moustache off your smirking face.

I want you to remember.

We have the Doc Holliday in custody.

My gosh!

I have so many questions for him.

Put him in there with whatever she is.

Well, what if she eats him?

Well, it's like black widows in a jar, Jeremy.

May the best bitch win.

Lonnie, why am I holding a missing person report with the word "person" scratched out and "pug" written above?

Mrs.

Grandeur's dog disappeared.

I don't know why anybody would keep a dog in purgatory, though.

- What, with all those coyotes.

- Coyotes.

Right.

Lonnie, we have forms for missing animals.

You really gotta pay attention.

God, I'm trying my best Old Man, but...

damn, I miss you.

Chicken salad.

But I added pickles.

Do you like pickles?

- I love 'em.

- Great.

Food's not moving like it used to, - so we're pits deep in 'em.

- Things'll turn around!

You put your face on a shorty's sign, we're gonna have a tidal wave of new purgatorians!

I might have to put my face on the "now leaving purgatory" sign.

- You're really doin' it?

- Yeah.

It's time, you know.

For real.

It's real.

Hey!

You guys are sort of like DMV now, right?

'Cause I need to fill out a change of name form.

I haven't- - I got it.

- Wait, I thought you said...

Phone, Lonnie.

Get the phone.

Purgatory police department.

OK!

Waverly Gibson.

Date of birth: - September 8th.

- Wait!

You know my birthday?

Um...

yeah, I guess I do.

Well, little known fact.

My real last name is Earp.

Yeah.

I was raised by an incredible woman named Gus Gibson.

- So, I sort of borrowed the name.

- I had no idea.

The name Earp.

It's such a curse!

I like this!

It's simple.

The one thing marriage is not.

Why am I wearing this?

Well...

A fresh start.

I'd be a fool not to marry him.

Right?

As long as you believe it, in your heart.

I sort of feel like I'm, you know...

Running towards a cliff, terrified of jumping, but...

Well, if it's right, you don't think about the cliff because you're sure when you reach the edge, you'll fly.

If you go off a cliff, don't you die?

He's outside.

- Thanks for this.

- Thanks for lunch.

You gonna eat those pickles?

What?

- You don't like 'em.

- Well, I do now.

Every second she is gone is another we are doomed.

Dolls!

Jeremy!

- Now, come on!

- Dolls, Jeremy, Nicole!

Such pretty names for such pretty corpses!

You stay away from me, you ripe slag!

All out of poison, are we?

How did you know?

Because Dolls would never place me in here if there was a real chance of death!

- He hates your gangster guts!

- Only in this world!

So you see it, too, John Henry?

Something has shifted in the fabric of our reality.

Without the heir here to stop us, we will resurrect our husband and have the party of the century.

All are invited.

Few will survive.

Not if I can get outta here!

And I will get outta here!

Me, too.

And when that useless cword of a sister finally realizes how much she needs me...

I will.

I admit it, I'm gonna miss that shirt.

Really?

God, I can't wait to burn this thing.

What?

You talk about how much you hate purgatory, but deep down, you're gonna miss it.

Please.

Once we leave, I can finally finish my history degree, and not by doing online courses.

I can... go to India, Spain...

And I want to take you.

But I want to make sure you're ready.

We've been through this three times.

Three wedding dresses, three venues.

I know.

I'm...

I'm sorry, Perry.

It's just...

something always seems to be missing.

Yeah.

Closure.

A few months ago, I hired a P.I.

to look into your Dad's and Willa's murders.

I didn't want to get your hopes up, so I never said anything.

Because knowing something about me before me is a total invasion of my privacy!?

Sorry.

I don't know where that came from.

Waves...

the investigator found someone.

The man who k*lled your family.

He was found wandering back into purgatory, disoriented.

What?

Two weeks before our wedding?

What are the odds?

- So, where is he now?

- St.

Jude's.

He's, um...

he's been asking for you.

You checked all metal items at the front desk?

Yeah, but they didn't tell me why.

You have 10 minutes.

Hello.

My name is Waverly Gibson...

No.

Waverly Earp.

How on earth could I forget?

Waverly.

You're my angel.

I came back, but it's all different.

Why?

My father and sister are still dead.

You k*lled them, - made me an orphan.

- No.

No...

No.

Your sister k*lled your father, and my Willa.

- What?

- And then me.

Why did you come back to purgatory?

That is not the question.

The question is: Why now?

I was in hell.

Only an Earp heir can put me there.

Not your father, he was dead.

But if I came back...

she must have gotten dead.

Is she dead?

I don't know who you're talking about.

No...

no.

Wynonna.

Wynonna!

It's Wynonna!

OK!

That's the second time I've heard that name.

- Who is Wynonna?

- I told you, your sister.

No.

I had one sister.

Willa.

And you slaughtered her!

Yes.

It's a spell.

A flimsy one, but...

She's only shaded.

Missing.

- Don't.

- She's missing.

Move.

Don't go.

What do you wanna know?

That night on the homestead.

They k*lled everyone...

But me.

- Why?

- They knew, no one harms the baby.

My words.

My law.

You're my angel.

Fly, fly away...

and make Wynonna missing no more.

Rise, my demon, my husband, my master.

Show of yourself and come to reclaim, all that was lost you shall once more regain.

Break, damn it!

I'm so sorry, my darling.

Of course.

It takes two.

Boo.

"The Earp curse." Bullshit.

That was adorable.

Hey, watch out!

Just once, can I get some b*ll*ts that work?!

The beginning is nigh!

When hell rises, we will skin you alive and pick our teeth with your bones.

So specific.

OK.

Hey, hey, hey!

Put the g*n down.

Jeremy, I keep telling you, you won t hit your target if you put all your weight on your back leg.

What?!

How did you...

And how did you know the combo to the...

The g*n safe?

- Dolls won't even tell me!

- Now, this is going to sound crazy, but none of this...

is accurate.

We are living in an alternate reality.

Like The Matrix?

Do you even remember how you came to be working in purgatory?

Yeah!

Yeah, I...

I think.

I'm...

Maybe I was...

Maybe I was transferred, or...

A spell has been spun, making enemies of old friends.

I know who you are, Jeremy.

You're a vegetarian with ethics of steel that still reads.

Doctor Strange comic books at night because he wants to be a hero.

What?

The expl*sives that you strapped on had...

Had...

no wires.

No detonator.

You...

could have lit that shizzle on fire and it wouldn't've done a thing.

I could use a good man to make this right.

A hero.

Yeah!

OK!

Yeah, for sure.

But, Dolls is gonna k*ll me.

He would never trust me.

- Get my coat.

- OK!

I gotta go to Shorty's.

It's our only hope.

Hey!

Maybe, sometime after all this is done, we could get a drink?

Together?

Yeah.

Timing, Jeremy.

Geez.

I used to hate you for leaving, Mama.

But I get it now.

This town is too hard.

You've got five seconds to vamoose before I blow your head off!

- Waverly.

- Wait...

No.

Please don't...

Please don't hurt me!

- I'm getting married.

- I would never!

What?

Wait.

You are?

Lord, please tell me there is a part of you that knows me.

I know you're a criminal.

A k*ller!

You are not wrong, but believe me when I say I am done with that life.

We need to find the Trophy and bring her back...

Hey!

Keep your hands up, Holliday.

I'm afraid the stakes are too high, Xavier.

Jeremy told you where I am?

Agent Chetri committed treason.

- Did he mention why?

- Ms.

Gibson, please take cover.

Now!

I do not want a fight, you stubborn bastard.

Good.

That'll make blowing you away a lot easier.

Check what's left of your soul.

We are on the same team.

You've torn this town apart!

- It was the damn demons!

- You run the damn demons!

And I've recently retired.

Ask Waverly.

Leave me out of this!

This is not who you are, Dolls!

You're a good man!

...With semireptilian tendencies, - but a good man.

- Reptilian?

How did you know?

You've crossed the line, Doc!

I don't want to be a d*ck, but I can outdraw you anywhere, anyhow.

Fine.

- Then sh**t me.

- Well...

I would prefer not to, but I'm on a tight schedule.

Dolls!

God damn it!

You never leave the shop without your body armour.

It's nothing that won't heal.

You'll be up and cursing my name in no time.

And I am gonna make this right, partner.

II do hate it when we argue.

You look so beautiful in that dress.

- It was my mother's.

- Waverly.

Listen to me.

You find the Iron Witch; You destroy the trophy; You save the child and you save Wynonna.

I don't know who that is!

She's the only one that can save us from all this, baby...

girl.

What did you call me?

Thanks for coming to get me.

Standard operating procedure.

We both know, that's not true.

I don't know what's...

I don't know what's wrong with me!

Hey!

Absolutely nothing.

He's violent and insane a huge part of the reason why purgatory went to sh*t...

But when he d*ed...

Have you ever met someone and instantly known in your heart that they meant something to you?

I might kinda get that, yeah.

God!

He told me to find the Iron Witch.

The way he said it, I...

I think he meant an actual witch.

That's crazy, right?

Look, this town is a haven for crazy.

It's...

It's supernatural central.

I've never heard anyone say that out loud before!

God!

God, you're brave.

So, look.

This Iron Witch.

Do you know - who that might be?

- Maybe.

Yeah.

And would it be so illegal for you to get me her address?

Super illegal.

But, you know, if I just happened to blow off work and we sort of pass by...

You'd do that, for me?

- I'd do a lot of things to you.

- For...

for me.

Yup!

That too.

Mhm.

You know, sheriff Haught?

You always smell like vanilla dip donuts.

They're my favorite.

Dolls?

- Dolls!

- Help...

Help!

Hey, it'll be fine.

God.

That is a lot of blood - for a shoulder wound...

- It's too late.

- It's too late, alright?

- Hey, don't say that, OK?

- Don't say that!

- Jeremy...

locate the asset.

- What?

No.

No!

I'm not...

- Complete the mission.

Complete the mission, OK?

I k*lled him!

I k*lled Doc.

But it felt...

empty.

I think he was my friend.

Wait, Dolls.

Wynonna...

No, no, no!

Dolls!

Dolls!

So, you think this world is under a spell?

What, like Narnia or MaraLago?

- Sorry, it's...

it's just...

- Right?

Why would you wish for something like this?

Hey, I don't get it either.

Look at me!

My life is sh*t.

And Mattie's still dead.

Mattie Perley.

Your sister.

She was...

Was k*lled by a freak, calls himself the Jack of Knives.

What, the serial k*ller?

I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to change the past.

The entire timeline...

But wishes are literal.

I wished your sister gone and...

The universe erased her entirely.

Wynonna?

Do you remember?

No.

People have been saying her name to me all day.

Yeah.

"People" touched by the demonic?

And Doc Holliday.

Your friend.

He grabbed the trophy at the exact moment I made the wish.

Kept him immune from it; Helped him retain his memories.

This spell is only cheap glamour.

This demon is in way over his grain sack head.

The Marzaniok?

- OK.

- Wait.

How did I know that?

- Just take your hands off her.

- No.

I can't let her go now.

- I've waited too long.

- I need to leave.

- No!

No!

- Come on.

OK, wait!

Look, I have been working on a reversal spell.

It's not much, but I can lift the glamour for several seconds.

Peel zuruck ist die falsche welt, in und die anderen!

My god.

This is my fault.

I gave you the trophy with the Marzaniok.

Because I tricked you.

And then Wynonna was erased.

Wynonna!

Warm and funny...

- Insanely protective.

- Hair like a mare with a Hollywood stylist.

And then...

I betrayed her.

Because I love you.

Wait.

Wait!

Agh!

It's gone!

But not the memory of the memory.

So that was why.

Doc Holliday was looking for that trophy.

He wanted to break the spell.

OK.

Can we do that?

Enough fire can break anything.

But the trophy was stolen years ago.

It's at revenant ground zero.

We'll never make it past the front gate.

That...

the homestead's impenetrable.

That's what Daddy always said.

Then someone proved him wrong.

You said I was an angel.

My angel...

to be exact.

Let's TBD that part for now.

Whatever my Angel wants.

To get on the Earp homestead.

You're too young to be the heir yet.

Where is the g*n?

And your lineage isn't exactly pure...

Please!

- Concentrate.

- Yeah.

OK?

I need your help because it's crawling with revenants.

Like you.

The talisman was never dug up.

Be a dear and...

Untie me?

I like your boots.

I want your boots.

You lost, little boy?

Lower your w*apon!

You greet a girl, you don't - point your sh**t at her.

- So you're the asset?

Call me Rosie.

Deputy Marshall Dolls didn't make the rendezvous.

- Does that mean that he...

- Yeah.

- How?

- Doc Holliday.

He's dead too.

Good.

Ponente.

Hey, I think Black Badge has been lying to us.

A Government Agency?

Never.

No.

Black Badge is obsessed with harnessing the power of the paranormal.

Like a bunch of cursed outlaws who can't die?

And Holliday said the fabric of space and time has been compromised.

No, no!

He knew things.

- That's crazy.

- OK, hey.

Tell me how you ended up working for Black Badge.

Tell me how you were embedded in Doc's g*ng.

Hell, tell me what you ate for breakfast.

I...

I...

I can't.

No.

No, that...

that...

That's impossible.

No, no, no.

Not with mindaltering dr*gs in the town's water supply.

dr*gs?

Like the dr*gs I was cooking at the homestead?

Yes, exactly!

That...

That is probably where they're projecting their simulation from.

Dolls' life isn't the only one that's a lie.

Those bastards.

They're gonna pay for this.

Do you know how to wire RDX?

Can a Dothraki outride any knight in Westeros?

What?

Yes.

Yes I do.

I...

OK.

Rise, my Demon, my Husband, my Master.

Show of yourself and come to reclaim.

All that was lost you shall once more regain.

Why isn't it working?

Why is he silent?

Get up.

This spell that made the heir disappear?

There are holes in it.

We are running out of time.

Give me the rings.

Reveal thee, or be forever entombed.

Left to rot, having been your own doom.

Well?

Speak!

He's not here.

Someone moved him.

We have been betrayed.

Seems to run in the family.

Shut up.

You're weak, failing.

You deserved to be left behind!

Where is our Husband, Sister?

I cannot say.

But the rings know who will.

Wait.

Wait.

No.

If I...

Bring the Sister, the Heir, back into existence...

Well, that would be tap, tap, tap, a nail in my coffin.

What is this, slam poetry night?

Ha.

She's funny.

You should keep her.

Bobo, please help me.

I know I said I would never hurt you.

But that was before...

Dig under the hamster.

Pikachu?

OK.

The talisman is neutralizing the ground.

Remove it, and Ammolite will be reactivated, and the revenants will be blown off the land, like dried leaves.

Robert.

Robert.

Faster.

Faster!

OK!

Bobo del freakin' Rey?

Holy sh*t, Bobo's back!

Boys, Bobo's back!

This is Holliday house.

We follow Doc and Doc only.

Bobo's back, boys!

Fight for Bobo!

You hear me?

Fight for Bobo!

Fight for Bobo!

We need to fight for Doc!

How's it going down there?

The ground is frozen!

What the hell are you b*tches doing?

- OK, we gotta go.

- Yeah, to the barn.

I'm not leaving without that trophy!

Come on.

Go!

Go!

God, you're so cool, Haught!

My god!

OK, quick!

Go!

Go!

Do not sh**t that thing in here or else this whole place blows!

'Cause there's dr*gs and expl*sives?!

What are you, Jeremy?

Some kind of double agent?!

I am barely a single agent!

Sheriff Haught, we believe Black Badge has gone rogue.

You think that's bad?

We need to find a big hockey trophy!

What?!

Well, it's much worse than it sounds.

BBD is probably listening in right now.

Probably on their way here to annihilate us.

Naw, they'll just send in Tomahawk missiles.

Hi Per.

Yeah.

Sure, raspberry cream sounds great.

Listen, I can't really talk.

I'm in a barn wired to explode.

Also, I think I'm gay.

Call you later?

Hi, Robert.

Or do you prefer Bobo?

Well?

Aren't you gonna say anything?

Where's a bear trap when you need one?

What has gotten hot sauce in their panties?

Victorian Secret models, Black Lace edition.

What, the...

the widows?

What do they want?

And why do I suddenly know they're called the widows?

I'm not waiting to find out.

There's a trophy behind the wheelbarrow, if that helps.

What?!

- Whoa, no, no!

Rosie, no!

- No, wait!

Get her!

What?

God!

- Is she...

- I'm sorry, Jeremy.

Guys!

Guys, I found it!

Get in that barn!

Get the hell in that barn, boys!

- Get in that barn!

- It's too late.

- We're not going to make it.

- No, no, no!

I cannot die!

I've only has sex one and a half times!

God, that was out loud.

- Guys, we're not gonna die.

- OK.

Waves, I love your optimism, but...

But there's no way out.

Right.

Unless we die.

- Knock it down!

- Jesus!

- Jesus!

Watch that thing, Jeremy!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

- I know how to get her back.

- Who?!

Wynonna.

I just hope it's not too late.

Listen.

What happens if we detonate the RDX?

- Your basic fire and brimstone.

- The Iron Witch said if we destroy the trophy with...

with fire...

- Then spell is broken.

- And Wynonna returns.

OK.

I am a super brain and I have no idea what you two are talking about!

Dying may be our only chance of living.

Who's in?

No, no, no.

Where you go, I go.

For Wynonna.

For Wynonna.

I don't even know who that is, and I don't even care...

God!

Yup!

Yes!

Yeah, for Wynonna!

Why not?

Ooh!

Not dying single!

Yeah, fingers crossed.

We're back...

You're OK.

- I am so, so sorry, times infinity!

- Sh!

Dolls, Doc...

we have to find out if they made it.

We know Bobo did.

Or did he?

How can he even be back?

And, and, and which timeline are the widows in?

The thing is, we won't know if the spell was truly reversed - until...

- Until what?

Until we find Wynonna.

The spell...

But I'm still here.

Not down there.

He's crazy.

He doesn't know anything.

In all the years I spent digging for those bones of the old Stone Witch's sons.

I'm bored!

- Just t*rture him already.

- I dug and I dug and I dug, and then I found it.

Clootie's coffin.

You tell us where it is, or there will be no end to the cuts I make on this fragile body of yours.

No.

There is no pain and no t*rture that you can think of that I haven't already been through.

And I will not, and cannot, go back to hell.

And honey, old Clootie has the power to make sure I never do again.

We cannot make promises on behalf of our Lord.

But we're very good at convincing.

How can we possibly trust you, after everything you've done?

Byebye, seal number three.

I can feel him.

He's coming.

God, it's like your wedding night all over again.

Shall we?

Yeah.

Is a plate, which means if we...

Something's different.

For one thing, I've got grass in my thong.

Were you out, too?

This is nice.

What if we just stay here?

Just you and me?

Bobo?

I am a sucker for a reunion.

sh*t.

The third seal.

They broke it.

Now we're all gonna buy it.

Not now.

Please.

Hold on.

Hold on.