01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

So, in general, you're feeling all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you eating your five a day?

Aye, five Kit Kats.

Have you checked your testicles recently?

Yup, there's still two of them.

When was the last time you checked them, Mr Baird?

Oh, I don't know.

You're supposed to check them regularly for any abnormalities.

I usually say to people to do it when they're in the bath, you know, when you're relaxed and they're nice and soft.

When was the last time you had a bath, Eric?

I've got no idea.

I'll make sure he has one.

Mind you, our boiler doesn't always give you enough for a bath.

No, it depends if the washing machine's been on.

What about a shower, will that soften them up?

Cos I prefer a shower, actually.

Uh-huh.

It's an electric shower we've got.

Well, you can...

Yeah.

It doesn't depend on the boiler, you see.

Takes it directly from the mains and heats it up in an element in the box on the wall.

You pull a string to switch it on.

Well, you can do it anywhere.

Step up on to the scales, please.

I still cannae make head nor tail of it.

Look! There's its head, and there's its wee nose.

It's like one of those pictures they take from the drones when they've been up bombing the villages.

Well, I'm sure the next one they do will be clearer.

Oh, well, I hope we get a few more. One copy!

But that's the NHS for you, eh? They've brung it to its knees.

And just you wait to the birth - you'll be in and out in a day.

Not like the good old times, where you could be in a place for months.

I'm sure I can feel it starting to kick.

Aye.

Either that or it's that steak pie we had for our lunch making its way through you.

Right, come on, let's get this up on the Facebook.

No, Mum, this is private.

Private? It might be private to you but this is my first grandchild.

Oh, fine.

And once you're finished with that, you make sure you put it somewhere safe.

When you become a mum, Sophie, you will understand that these are the types of things that you'll cherish forever.

Plus it'll be good a*mo in my appeal with the council when I'm going up to get that ramp fitted.

So, are you going on holiday this year?

No.

No?

No, no, we were away, what was it, three years ago?

Try seven.

Seven? Is it seven years since we were in Jersey?

Uh-huh.

Jersey? That's supposed to be nice, but I suppose it's like anywhere - depends if you get the weather.

We didn't.

Right. Well, that's everything checked and it seems you've made really, really good progress.

Your weight's down, your cholesterol is much better and your blood pressure is just about normal.

And what about that cloudiness in the urine?

It's all gone. That one you did today was super.

Sorry it took us a wee while. It's a bit tricky, you know, trying to hold the two things at once.

Well, that's smashing. Isn't that great, Eric?

Yes.

Right. Well, I'll see you in three months.

Oh, and don't forget - check those testicles!

I will... He will.

See you.

Come on.

♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm ♪
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm ♪
♪ Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. ♪

Right, Eric, go and get the big suitcase with the wheels down.

Let's get started.

Beth...

Go!

Oh, I forgot to get earplugs.

Eric! We forgot to get earplugs!

They'll give you headphones on the plane.

It's not for the plane I'm wanting them.

It's not there!

What?

It's not here.

What? You're joking.

No.

Did Ian not use it to shift some of his stuff?

Oh, bugger.

Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

Listen, can we not just take that big Adidas holdall and we'll shove some bits and pieces into the cool bag and you can take that as hand luggage?

I am not standing at Glasgow Airport looking like I'm queuing for a laundrette, Eric.

Forget it!

Go and find the funnel, and start putting shampoo into those clear bottles.

Why are we doing that?

So there's not a b*mb.

Ian, it's me.

How many has it got now?

37 likes and two comments.

Has your Auntie Margaret liked it?

Uh-huh.

What about Rita?

Who's Rita?

You know Rita - her that collects for the guide dogs and went away over to help with the tidying up after the tsunami.

No.

She's only interested in herself, that one.

What about Beth - has she liked it?

Not yet, no.

You're joking.

No.

Poke her!

Hi, Cathy.

Hi, Eric. Oh, are you doing charity bags?

Actually...

Where's Beth?

Beth!

Hi, Cathy, sorry, but we really are up to our eyes...

No, no, no, no, no, no, that's all right.

I just thought I'd pop my head in to say thanks for putting up with all that racket that's been going on while we've been getting this hot tub installed.

That's all right.

And thanks for all your help, Eric, when we had that problem with the drains.

Colin has asked me to tell you that he was definitely not well that day, so that's how come he had to leave you to it.

Aye, no bother, Cath.

Did you have to throw those cords in the bin?

Aye.

Mmm.

As I say, if you don't mind, we're...

So, as an extra thank you, we thought we'd like to get you round for a few drinks and... a wee sh*t in the hot tub.

Oh, that's lovely but...

About half seven?

Cathy...

I said to Colin, "People like Beth and Eric can only dream of hot tubs - we need to get them round."

Cathy, we can't.

What?

We can't. Not tonight, anyway.

How come?

We're away on holiday.

Uh-huh, we've booked a holiday.

The flight's first thing in the morning so we need to pack and get organised...

Well, where are you going?

Turkey.

Oh.

Oh, well. Well, that's that, then.

Sorry, Cathy.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're fine.

I hope you haven't gone to any bother.

Oh, no... apart from getting a hot tub put in!

Well, maybe when we get back.

Yeah, yeah, when you're back.

You enjoy yourselves!

We will.

We will.

What's the matter?

It's off!

Eh?

They're not coming! They're going on holiday.

What?

They're going on holiday!

Beth and Eric?

Yes.

Beth and Eric are going on holiday?

Yes!

My God...

Beth and Eric?

Yes!

It's a whopper.

Tell me about it.

Aw, who the hell's that now?

Answer it!

Hiya.

Ah, thanks, boys.

Christ, I'd forgotten the bloody size of it.

It's a beast.

Lift it, Ian, don't drag it across the carpet.

Are you sure you need this?

Yes! Don't you start, as well.

Ah, there we are.

I'll get all my stuff in there, plus my shoes in these wee zippy bits.

How many pairs of shoes are you taking?

Did you not see the pictures she showed us, Eric, of the old town?

If we go for a walk, I'll be needing flats.

It's cobbled! Honestly!

Thanks for this, boys, that's fine.

No worries.

Just watch you don't put too much in it... otherwise you'll go over your allowance.

What allowance?

Your baggage allowance.

You'll be fine, though, don't worry about it.

I don't even know what ours is. Did they say?

Have we got a baggage allowance, Eric?

I don't know.

It'll be on your boarding pass.

What boarding pass?

Did they give us those?

I don't think they gave us boarding passes, did they, Eric?

I don't know.

Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

You print them off yourself at online check-in.

I can do it for you.

It'll be fine, you'll have 20kg or something.

Yeah, or it might be 15.

Remember ours was 15 when we went to Barcelona and we didn't know?

Oh, no.

It was fine.

Well, in the end.

What do you mean in the end?

We had to unpack the whole case.

Not at the airport?

Mm-hmm, in the queue.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. I had to bin a 2000-watt hairdryer and a pair of Air Max.

It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life.

Still, it was good when we got there.

Yeah, yeah, it was, until that guy pulled a Kn*fe on you at the cash point.

Remember that?

What?

If that's Cathy again...

Beth.

Christine.

Oh, what's going on here?

We're away on holiday - got a last-minute deal.

Did you? Where to?

Turkey.

Turkey. Very nice.

I've heard it's lovely. The beaches are meant to be beautiful.

Oh, aye, and they'll be that bit quieter at the minute.

Anyway, Christine, I'd better get on.

Oh, of course, we'll not keep you.

This is nothing that interesting.

What is it?

Oh, it's just Sophie's scan picture, but if you've got more important things to do, like picking out sundresses...

In you come.

Thank you.

Right, there it is.

You're all right, it's 20 kilos.

Room for your snorkel and flippers after all, Dad!

Very funny.

Have you ever been snorkelling, Mr Baird?

No, and I'll not be doing any while we're away.

I'll be getting my arse parked on a sunbed and I'll not be shifting.

We did snorkelling when we went to Greece, remember?

I got a carrier bag wrapped round my breathing pipe.

So, are you looking forward to it?

Aye, it'll be nice to get a break and get away - get a wee bit of sun.

Remember the first time we went abroad?

Aye. Corfu. Oh-ho, that was a great holiday.

Yeah. Remember you got burnt on the first day?

Oh, aye, so I did, aye.

I had to sleep sitting up with a damp towel.

And then I got food poisoning.

Did you?

Aye, do you not remember when we went to the water park and you took me on the big slide?

Oh, aye. Aye.

And Mum got her bag stolen.

Aye.

Still, it was good to get away.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Your flight's at 6.15 in the morning.

Check-in opens at 4.15.

Aye, I know, hardly worth going to bed, is it?

Have you booked a taxi?

You don't need to book a taxi.

Aye, right enough, I'll just phone one in the morning.

Aye.

No, we'll give you a lift. Won't we?

So there we were, going through the corridors, still no sign of ultrasound, so I stopped this wee doctor and, lo and behold, was it no' the wee guy that did my knee back in 2003?

Really?

Aye. Did I never tell you about that, Beth?

It was after that fall I had in the jelly bean sandals with that stupid laminate floor.

What it was, there was this clicking sound in my joint, right, wasn't there, Sophie?

Mm-hmm.

It was like...

Can you imagine it?

I mean, it'd drive you round the twist, especially somebody as active as me.

Christine...

Oh, sorry, Beth, we're holding you back here.

I hate to seem rude.

No, no, not at all.

I quite understand.

It's my fault.

On you go through and put the kettle on.

We'll get started on the scan proper when you get back.

Afternoon, Squire!

Or should I say...

Well, how do you say "good afternoon" in Turkish?

Erm, I've got no idea.

Well, you should.

See, wherever we go, I always make sure I learn a few wee phrases, you know, just to keep me in with the locals.

Nothing too complicated, just the likes of, "Please, thank you, chips."

Well, I'll make sure I get a wee phrase book at the airport.

Colin, I don't mean to sound rude...

So, Turkey, eh?

Aye, Turkey.

Aye, it's some place.

Oh, have you been?

No, no, I've seen it in the brochure but I always thought it looked a bit manky.

Ah, right, anyway, I...

So, listen, do you want me to do the odd bit of watering your plants while you're away?

Actually, that might not be a bad idea.

Smashing. I'll just come in and see where they are.

Well...

Now that means I have to get up at 4am in the morning to drive them to the bloody airport.

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

Not for you.

All right, well, I'll do it, then.

No.

Why not?

I don't know. It would just be weird.

Would you get me to drive your parents to the airport on my own?

No.

See?

Well, yeah, maybe, if you stuck to the story that you were my friend from the rugby club.

Just come for a bit, have a couple of drinks, come on!

We need to be up early to go to the airport.

Look, it's all right! I'll take you to the airport.

Ian's said he'll take us.

No, listen, I'll do the airport run.

You boys come in for a drink as well, and try out this new hot tub of ours.

You've got a hot tub?

Do we have a hot tub? Do we have a hot tub?

What do you think all that business with the drains was?

I thought you were getting your toilet fixed.

No! We were getting a hot tub put in.

You want to see this thing, Ian.

It can take 12 folk at a time.

It's got underwater lights, and it's got these wee jets that you can position any way you like so that they can pummel your bits. What do you say?

All right, then.

Cool.

Lovely. That's that all sorted, then.

Right, tomorrow morning, what time's your check-in?

Quarter past four.

Great...

Obviously, we still don't know whether it's a boy or a girl but, as I says to Sophie, either way has its drawbacks.

I'm really hoping it's a wee boy.

I was the same.

Hi.

Oh, here he is, my wee pal.

He liked it on Facebook, didn't you, son?

What?

The picture of my scan.

Oh, is that what it was?

I thought it was a satellite picture.

No, it's a picture of Sophie's baby.

Really? It looked like a tornado to me.

Where's Ian?

He's upstairs looking for swimming trunks.

I brought Eric's swim stuff down.

Oh, it's not for him. It's for Ian, for the hot tub party.

What hot tub party?

We're all going next door for a sh*t in Cathy's new hot tub, aren't we?

Oh, lovely.

Oh, Beth, I'm so glad you changed your mind.

Come on in!

In you go, Jaz.

Oh!

Hot tub's bubbling.

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

In you go.

Right.

There you are.

Where's your swimsuit, Missus?

Oh, I'll not bother actually going in, Cathy.

Oh, Beth, come on.

Who cares if you've got a bit of cellulite?

Just face the other way when you get in.

I'm all right, thanks.

Boo!

At least these two are dressed for it.

There's Ian with his wee chicken legs, and look at you, Jaz, with your trunks.

He's like a wee hairy Tom Daley, isn't he?

(It's only a gay man that could carry those off, Beth.)

Where'd you get them?

Mr Baird lent me them.

Right, on you come through.

It's a few years since I've worn them.

Here we are.

Hello there!

Bloody hell, it's like a Bangkok whorehouse.

Shh.

Wow.

Do you like it?

It's basically an exact replica of a hotel we went to in Thailand, except we got our cushions out of Dobbies.

Oh, it's lovely, Cathy.

Thanks, Beth.

Wee chim-chiminea there - that's great for doing marshmallows and burning wee bits of wood and bank statements.

Is that a...?

And that's my Buddha.

Oh, that's lovely. Are you a Buddhist, Cathy?

I am, but I still eat hot dogs.

We wanted this to be a peaceful place, a place where we could come and just be alone with our thoughts, didn't we, Cath?

We did, aye.

Plus his knee's just the right height for sitting an ashtray on.

And here she is - here is the jewel in the crown!

Oh...

Oh, look at that!

Yeah, it's some size.

You can get them smaller but we weren't interested in those.

This place we went to in Thailand, it had one that took 30 folk.

Yeah, but we won't have dogs drinking out of ours, though.

Switch it on, Col.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh!

And it's... It's very relaxing.

I mean, even the sound of it.

Sorry?

Very relaxing, the sound of the water.

What's he saying?

I've no idea!

Do you feel the wood vibrating? It's making my fillings hurt.

Switch it off.

What?

Switch it off. We're not going in it yet.

Colin! Just...

Now... who's for a glass of something?

Oh, just a quick one, Cathy, we've still quite a lot to do for going away.

Yeah, of course you have.

So, are you all set, then, Missus?

Not really, as I said, erm...

This is a surprise, them going on holiday.

The number of times we've said to them, "Come away with us to the time-share," but no, no, no, they're having none of it.

I said to Col, "Anyone would think they didn't want to spend "a fortnight in a log cabin with us!"

Well, we just saw it and thought, "Why the hell not?"

Aw, so Turkey?

Uh-huh.

That's the thing, last-minute - you just take what you can get.

The woman next to me at work went to Turkey.

Oh, did she?

Yeah.

Did she enjoy it?

Yeah!

Well, sort of.

She went to Istanbul for the day and she got spat on cos she's blonde.

You deserve it.

Not to get spat on, but a holiday.

Here's Colin with the drinkies.

Oh, ta.

Remind me to tell you about that time we booked last-minute and the company went bust.

Right, here we are.

Oh, that's lovely, thank you.

Oh, yeah, lovely, thanks.

That's you.

Steady, young man, you're up to drive to the airport in a few hours.

Right, let's have a toast. Come on, quick, quick.

This is a very special occasion.

It's been a long, long time coming.

Aye.

To the hot tub!

Holiday!

And the holiday. The holiday, too, Colin!

Yeah.

Who the hell's that?

Eh, I think that might be Christine.

Christine? Who told her?

JAZ GULPS Hello, Cathy.

Hi, Mrs Whyte.

Sorry we're late.

Sophie wanted to shave her legs before she came over.

I didnae bother - mine are beyond it.

Let's get a soak in this tub of yours, then, eh?

Whoopsie.

I can't believe he did that.

Eh?

Colin. I thought he was going to take them to the airport.

He's a fly bastard.

What are we going to do?

We'll stay for a bit.

Not too long, though, please.

Why?

I'm cold and my bollocks keep falling out the side of these.

Right, that'll do me.

Hello, everybody, here we are.

Hi.

Oh, there's Jaz, my wee pal, here he is.

I can see your balls, son.

Hello, Beth.

Hello, Christine.

Oh, my, oh, my, look at this!

I'll tell you something, Eric, that wee Colin, he is a w*nk*r but he cannae half go a drill.

Aye, I'll give him his due, he's done a good job.

Oh, aye, I should have got him over to ours last year when we were redoing that patio.

Oh, what an exercise that was.

Me with the bags of sand, and our Sophie back and forward with slabs in a wheelbarrow like Fred f*cking West.

Hey, look at this pair in the goonies.

Are you going to do some synchronised swimming?

No, no, she'll just paddle with her legs.

We don't want the bubbles agitating Baby.

Speaking of which, you havenae seen the scan picture yet, have you?

No.

Wait till we tell you all about it.

Cathy, I'll need to go.

What?

I'll need to go. I've got to finish packing.

Oh, don't leave me with her. You can't do that.

Cathy...

Get Eric to do it.

We haven't even had a sh*t in the hot tub yet. Come on, please?

Come on, sit down.

Here, Eric, all set for a quick dip, eh?

Oh, not for me today, no.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're worried about stripping off, surely?

I mean, you that's been on a diet.

No, no, it's just, you know, hot tubs are not really my thing.

Oh, come on, don't be shy, Eric, you're in the best shape I've ever seen you in.

You must be right down to a, a what, an XL?

As a matter of fact, we were in at the doctor's this morning.

The nurse was saying she was pretty pleased with how I was doing.

Here, is that no' smashing? Well done.

That's all your healthy living paid off, eh?

Hmm.

Well, get that down you.

I'll get us a couple of cans of Stella out of the garage.

Here, Cathy, you get your arse over here and have a look at this scan picture.

Now, be very careful with that, please, Cathy.

Yeah, it's the only one I've got.

Oh, Sophie, look at it, it's so tiny.

I know.

And all curled up, like a wee maggot in a nest.

Oh, it's changed days, I'll tell you.

They never had any of these scans when I was pregnant.

No, the doctor just put his specs on, had a quick nosey about with his torch and sent you packing.

Cheers.

Cheers. Good health, aye.

And how are you feeling, Sophie?

I'm OK.

No morning sickness?

No.

Sore back?

No.

Prolapse, varicose veins, constipation?

Eh, no, no, no.

Any cravings?

No.

I have.

Another glass of your bubbly, Cathy, thanks.

Oh, she... The scan picture...

It's fine.

Eric.

What is it?

Go home and finish our packing.

Oh, what?

On you go. I don't want to leave everything until the last minute.

Oh, come on, can we not just do it later?

No. Go.

Beth!

Coming, Cathy.

Ian, there's more Tropicana in the fridge if you want it.

I'm OK, thanks.

And, Jaz, one of your wee pals down there's making a bid for freedom.

Here, Beth, are you all set for going away?

Just about.

Where are you flying from?

Glasgow.

Oh, aye.

That's a changed place since they had that t*rror1st att*ck, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's like Fort Knox.

Mind you, I knew a girl that worked in there, spraying the perfumes, you know?

See the hours they've got them doing?

She was about ready for setting fire to herself to get out the place, never mind get in.

Changed days, though, right enough, eh, Beth?

!sis, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram - a pack of bandits.

I mean, say what you want about them, you knew where you were with the IRA.

Right, is it not about time we christened this hot tub?

Oh, eh, eh, careful with that, please, Cathy, don't get it wet.

Colin, make sure everyone's got a drink.

Eh?

Make sure everyone's got a drink!

Oh.

Right, you, get your cossie on. Come on, Missus.

Well, I won't, Cathy. All my stuff's packed for going away.

Come on, boys, get your tops off.

Let's see the six-packs! Come on.

Off, off, off, off!

Off, off, off, off, off, off...

Cathy.

Oh, what did I tell you?

Just leave it.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Christine, you stupid cow!

Switch it off, Col.

Eh?

Switch the fucker off!

Oh! Oh, God.

They've smashed.

They've all smashed, Christine!

Well, don't blame me - it was you throwing that on the ground.

I did not throw it on the ground.

You did so.

Oh, shut up, Christine. Nobody gives a sh*t about it.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Nobody cares about your scan picture.

Excuse me, but Beth had me over at hers for hours talking about it, didn't you, Beth?

Cathy, just leave it.

Nobody cares?

Well, nobody gives a shite about your hot tub either - big, overgrown paddling pool.

Christine, don't start.

Well, no wonder. There's always something with her, eh?

If it's not hot tubs, it's fancy fitted kitchens and televisions in the lavvy.

What's next - a dry ski slope on the f*cking roof, eh?

Enough! That is enough.

It was an accident.

My beautiful hot tub is full of broken glass.

It's not the end of a world, Cathy, is it, Colin?

Well, you can say that but, I mean, I need to get drained, you know, and get the wee bits of glass hosed out it.

Shards.

Well, why don't we all go inside?

It's getting a bit chilly now, anyway.

Come on, let's go in.

Throwing Sophie's scan picture on the ground like that.

Go home, Christine!

Don't even start!

Oh, come on!

Don't even start.

That's enough!

Don't even...

Stop it! Come on.

We've had years of it. Years of it.

The pair of you are like a couple of barbarians.

Come on now, Cathy, come on.

Honest to God, come on.

She's totally up herself, so she is.

That's just typical. I didn't even get a chance to dip my toe in it.

Listen, Cathy, I know this isn't a great time, but I really should... stick the kettle on.

Beth, could I get a wee cup of tea?

Shh!

Don't shush me.

Help!

Oh, God, no.

Eric!

Eric! No! Eric!

Music: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Rod Stewart

♪ The first cut is the deepest ♪

Baby, I know

♪ The first cut is the deepest... ♪

Oh, this is the life, eh?

Oh, yes.

♪ She's cursed ♪
♪ When it comes to loving me ♪
♪ She's worse... ♪

Are you wanting a wee drink of something?

I wouldn't say no.

♪ I still want you by my side ♪
♪ Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried... ♪

You're wanting me to get it?

If you would.

♪ And if you want ♪
♪ I'll try to love again ♪
♪ Baby, I'll try to love again ♪
♪ But I know... ♪

Ouch!

♪ The first cut is the deepest... ♪