01x05 - Nicknames

You know, democracy is fantastic, but it is also f*cking dull.

It doesn't even look like they're gonna break a tie.

Selina does not even have to be here.

Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV.

Not on C-SPAN. The irony would be too huge.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Are you really waving? She cannot see you through the TV.

Most of us learn that when we're four.

We can call her. The vibrations will wake her up.

( Phone ringing )

No, she's not gonna fall asleep.

It's probably just us who have noticed.

No, clive, no.

She is not falling asleep.

No, it is just very warm down there.

Whoa, head jerk. Just head jerked.

Okay.

( Theme music playing )

You sure you set this meeting for 8:00 a.M. Today?

Am I sure?

Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did.

Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that.

Undressing me with your eyes.

I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Clean jobs almost ready for liftoff, right?

A little more detail work, but yes.

I do think that we can start the countdown.

Okay, well, get your spacesuits on.

( Laughing ) Speaking of spacesuits, I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing.

You know what really freaks those guys out?

Seeing 17 dawns in a matter of 24 hours. Okay.

Good morning.

Morning, ma'am.

How is my day looking, sue?

You have one community college meeting this afternoon.

Is that it?

Yes.

No, no, no, no. That's not right.

Uh, okay, wait a minute. What happens if you scroll down?

( Clicking )

How about if you scroll up?

That's the past, ma'am.

What's he for?

Mike's your 8:00.

He's not been picking up.

I don't like that.

Probably sending photos of his dick to himself.

Left him a voicemail. Called him a name.

Just a little thing we do.

Mike!

So here's what I'm thinking. We need to open with a funny joke.

Solid narrative throughout it, into which I would like to pepper, like, five zingers.

No problemo. McClintock gold.

Okay. Good.

I thought for the opener we'd do a little self-deprecating joke about your snooze in the Senate.

No.

Want to hear it?

No.

Okay. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Okay, here you go, first home run.

Firefighters have a passion for their work.

Arsonists just have a burning desire.

( Laughs )

Is that even a joke?

Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.

Mmm.

Okay, doesn't matter.

Got another one.

All right.

Ladders, obviously germane to the firefighting business.

You go, "firefighters are always climbing ladders and in politics you're always..." and this, I don't even know what I wrote, but it's basically you're taking steps to get somewhere but without a ladder...

Yeah, this is not making me laugh at all.

We'll bring that one back when it's ready.

Okay, "fire safety guy asked me the other day," and this is your voice... "do I smoke in bed?

And I said, 'I've never had any complaints.'"

( laughs )

Too shock? Too shock?

Okay, this is kind of a half an idea.

All right, so the idea is if you're a fireman putting a wet blanket on something...

You are late.

Yes, and I am incredibly sorry.

I was not in my own apartment last night. I just... I overslept.

Okay, having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office.

Having s*x is absolutely not, Dan.

Quite right, ma'am. Although, in my defense, I didn't even think you'd be here.

Why?

Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal responsibility bill at the White House.

I just assumed you'd be there.

I wasn't invited. What?

This is happening...

Right now.

f*ck that potus.

He did this with the defense budget briefing two weeks ago.

God. Where is Amy?

You get a gag on top of...

Mike!

Why didn't I know about this?!

I'm going. They can't keep me out of there.

Hey, ma'am, I'm right here. Can I get you something?

You got rollerblades?

I'm coming in.

Okay.

Good.

Hi, guys.

Fiscal responsibility.

It's ridiculous.

Are you kidding me? Not one of those guys has paid for their own lunch in like a decade.

I think I made a big point by being there.

Big point.

I was breathing really heavily, though.

You don't think anyone noticed that, do you?

Bob Lewis has got emphysema.

Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower.

He does.

( Low growling )

That is an actually uncanny impression of him.

Madam Vice President.

Yeah?

Oh, hi, Jonah.

Hey, Jonah.

You coming to see us?

Oh, no.

I had to take a personal hour.

I have a nutritionist appointment.

Oh, hope you're okay.

It'll be fine.

I'm fructose intolerant.

Fructose?

Fruit sugars.

It's very rare.

Oh.

Well, good luck with all that.

Thank you.

Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, He did.

My God.

Oh, uh, sorry about earlier.

I thought you were in the chair.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need a meeting with everybody.

I need a coffee.

Here's the deal.

The President is avoiding me.

Maybe he's just flakey like Gary's feet.

No, I know him. He hates confrontation, and obviously there is something that he needs to confront me about.

I mean, am I still getting unequivocal support on clean jobs?

I need some good, solid White House intel on this.

Yup, the whitegeist.

Right.

I'm on it.

Good.

Okay, please, please.

Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna check and see if this fireman thing tonight is getting mentioned anywhere.

Whoa, are you self-googling?

Yeah.

We have guys in the office to do that, ma'am.

I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really.

My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames?

There's just some nicknames that it's necessary for us to search on to kind of pick up on blog coverage.

But, I mean, like what?

Uh, okay.

There's one that has to do with the legislation you did to support women breast feeding in public.

That was good legislation.

It was good legislation.

Mammary Meyer.

Oh, please.

Like that.

Are there others?

Oh, really? Okay.

Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Pissface.

Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.

Pissface? Huh?

No, not that one.

( Laughs )

Vaselina, Betty Poop.

People attack you because they think you're beautiful and you're smart.

You got the most nicknames when you where on the cover of "Vogue."

I remember that. They were just jealous. Remember that?

They called you Goofy Smile.

Let's not get into it.

Hmm, bummer. Looks like your girlfriend didn't get the chief of staff job with the speaker.

Guess I don't have to buy a hat now.

Hat? Oh, wedding?

( Scoffs ) No.

Put a lot of time in on Alice.

I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her to believe that she was more important to me than my job.

She fall for that?

I doubt it. But it's the thought that counts.

She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that.

That is so romantic.

Sadly, the beautiful thing we had faded very suddenly eight minutes ago.

So who's next?

Which strategically useful young woman will get to witness your two-hour morning skin care regime?

You like this place? I love this place.

Yeah. No frills.

Not a single frill.

When they bring out the bread, you check it out.

It is a fuckload of bread. Believe me, you could feed a family, like a fat family off the fuckload of bread alone.

Think I'm gonna get an orange juice. You want one?

Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose.

So clean jobs is looking pretty exciting.

What about the White House? They as stoked as we are?

Hey, man, yeah. I'm out of the office.

I don't want to talk shop.

Oh, right, right, yeah.

Just punched out. Just two guys hanging.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I like hanging with you.

Thanks, man.

Yeah.

It's too bad Amy doesn't.

Please, she's just f*cking jealous.

I mean, come on, since you guys went out you've been getting action, right?

Oh, mad action.

I got a cock like a cappuccino frother.

One of the big ones. The industrial ones, not the little ones.

Thanks, Joe.

( Softly ) f*ck, yeah.

What did I tell you? That's like two grain silos f*cked right there.

Yup, that's a regular granary g*ngb*ng.

Oh, dude, did you hear that f*cking bullshit that Max Geldray is saying that potus is avoiding Selina?

Max Geldray knows sh1t about sh1t.

The only intel he has is on his f*cking PC.

Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor.

Strong joke.

Potus, he knows clean jobs has traction.

Senator Macauley, he'd sponsor that bill in a heartbeat.

He's got a big veiny boner for it.

Oh, sh1t. They need me back at the west wing like now.

What, did we declare war?

No, it's worse.

Interactive tourist section of the website is down.

Hey, there's this extreme metal band playing over at Labyrinth's tonight.

Just real f*cked up noise. They don't even have a name.

You want to check it out?

Yeah, man.

Let's go catch some decibels. You cut me, I bleed metal.

Great.

And what would you like?

To eat at a different f*cking restaurant.

( Sirens blaring )

So Mike's jokes didn't work?

Yeah. I mean, firefighters are used to seeing people die, Amy, but not like that.

Listen, we have got to congratulate Martin on this.

I mean, this is such a great draft of the clean jobs bill.

Yeah, it's pretty much all here. We just need to...

Up the stakes substantially? Noncompliance penalties, don't you think those should be greater?

I think we should just go for it.

I think we should just fine the fuckers till the fuckers aren't fine.

( Chuckles )

That was totally inappropriate.

Inappropriate.

Inappropriate.

That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way.

He's not supposed to register emotion.

He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

I'll see to it.

Yeah.

So we still don't know if this bill has unequivocal support from potus.

Well, Dan is working intel on that.

( Loud music playing )

Hey.

Hey, Gary.

I'm gonna head home.

If it's okay. If I'm not needed.

Yeah, sure.

What's in the bag?

Oh, I got my first zumba class tonight.

Oh. Neat.

I'm excited.

Amy and I are gonna be working pretty late, I think.

Would you do me a favor? Could you go and pick up some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's?

I love those.

Yeah.

That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it?

No, ma'am.

Hey, Gary, what are some of the other nicknames?

Oh, come on. This is masochism.

No, it's not. I have very thick skin.

I'm just interested, that's all.

It's just various V.P. things.

You know, like using the initials V.P. jokingly.

Like what?

Vaguely Personable.

Viagra Prohibitor. Visible Panties.

Viagra Prohibitor? ( Laughs )

Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra?

No.

It means that even if a guy uses it...

It doesn't work?

They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?

You know what? You no longer search on the nicknames.

You said you had thick skin.

God, no.

Wait, what about V-Pilf?

No, Gary.

That's flattering. You know what that means?

Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with.

f*ck.

Okay.


( Loud music playing )

Ah! This is f*cking primordial.

You know what? You can't find these guys on f*cking iTunes.

You know why?

'Cause they don't have a name?

'Cause they're not for f*cking sale.

f*cking listen to this.

This is f*cking like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw. Radical stuff.

Yeah. That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation.

Has potus said anything about how high the agenda's gonna go?

All noises are good. I'm in a meeting tomorrow and it's definitely gonna get discussed. I'll call you.

That would be awesome, man. Thank you. That's great.

Pick up this round, I'll get the next one. And grab some nuts.

I'm sweating all my minerals into my shorts here.

Get some f*cking nuts!

You know, I've asked Dan and Mike to play devil's advocate against this bill, assemble some arguments.

You know, what people might say against it and stuff.

Dan is a great choice.

He is already a huge advocate of the devil's.

Potus needs some successes right now.

He doesn't fix the economy soon, NASA's gonna have to build him an escape pod.

I mean, how has he let this happen?

God, if I were...

Mm-mmm.

Don't say, "if I were President."

It's the V.P. bear trap.

Okay.

I won't say it. I'll just think it.

Thanks for working late tonight, Amy.

Don't feel like you have to come in early tomorrow.

Okay, thanks.

But you will come in early, right?

Of course.

Yeah.

sh1t, Sidney Purcell. Should we go another way?

No, I'm not scared of oil lobbyists.

I'm only scared of two things.

Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's.

Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell.

Madam Vice President. So good to see you.

Guess what we were just doing?

Just polishing up the latest draft of clean jobs.

You know, I am from oil, but that doesn't mean that I don't care deeply about my children's future and, of course, their children's future.

Speaking of children, I've got to go.

Catherine is waiting to Skype with me.

Great seeing you, as always, madam Vice President.

Okay, take care.

Bye-bye.

I don't have any children.

I have a niece but I f*cking hate her.

How charming. I need to be getting home.

I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, than you must be even stupider than I think you are.

And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled.

This bill is a f*cking disgrace and I'm gonna see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper.

Just wanted to let you know.

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal?

Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Mm-hmm.

Who's gonna go first?

Ladies first.

So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Sure.

This is class genocide.

This is... this... um, huh?

This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night.

Who works for large polluting companies?

Ordinary blue collar Americans.

Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes?

Ordinary moms and dads.

Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties.

This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility.

Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Okay.

Remember that name.

No one will want to call their child by that name.

There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas.

You are looking at the last Selina.

The Selina who killed America.

Wow.

Oh, my God, Dan.

No more Selinas?

Okay.

Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you.

Mike?

Oh.

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it.

If I don't understand it...

All right, good job, dummy.

Sit down.

Where's Selina?

She's on her way back from lunch.

( Sirens blaring )

You know that trip to Paris?

Uh-huh.

It's on.

No!

Yeah.

Oh, Amy, I have a quick q for you to a.

Quickly, then.

In diary hierarchy, does the national resource committee meeting trump the care for children's association?

Yes.

Okay, I will kill the children.

You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have.

Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a f*cking disaster.

What is? It could be a lot of things.

The President is very eager to get the fiscal responsibility bill through.

So eager that...

Oh, sh1t, no.

He wants all focus to be on that bill.

He's dropped five other pieces of legislation.

No.

Clean jobs is one of them.

Oh, God.

( Gary groans )

My clean jobs?

Yeah.

Oh, son of a bitch.

That president, he is a suffocating son of a bitch.

It's okay.

Had we not heard anything about this?

Apparently there were rumblings in the blogs.

Why weren't we on it?

They used a nickname, ma'am, and we were not searching on it.

Which one?

Mrs. DoubtMeyer.

Well, you never mentioned that one.

Yeah, that means you're kind of slightly confused.

You're oddly masculine.

It's a shitty nickname.

Well, I'm just not gonna accept this.

Oh, my God. I'd have more power in my hands if I joined one of those moronic Segway tours of D.C.

I mean, do you have any idea what I have lost here today?

Do you? Really?

Are you not gonna say anything?

Jesus!

Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this?

I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.

That's like trying to use a croissant as a f*cking dildo.

I thought...

No, no, no. Let me be more clear.

It doesn't do the job and it makes a f*cking mess!

Get out of my office.

Gary!

Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am?

I need something.

Okay, is there anything specific?

I don't f*cking know. I just need something.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna call that stupid potus myself.

Seriously, I'm gonna tell him to shove it up his ass.

I don't see any reason...

Ma'am, why don't we just wait this out, okay?

( Mocking ) "Why don't we just wait this out?"

Is that what you're gonna suggest?

Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike.

I'm very good in a fire.

Ma'am, if I may.

I think I have an idea. What if we went to a friendly senator and suggested that he or she take the best parts of clean jobs... the sanctions on polluters, tax breaks for the good guys... then added that as an amendment to the fiscal responsibility bill?

Well, that would get the meat of clean jobs through, wouldn't it?

It would also mean we'd go against the President's wishes.

That's provocative, ma'am.

Yeah.

Well, I feel like provoking someone.

I really do, Mike.

I'm feeling very f*cking provocative.

I'm aware of that, ma'am.

The President won't like that. I can tell you that right now.

This is the bear trap.

I know, you're right.

We can't do this. Can we? We can't.

We can do anything we want if we really want to.

What is this? "Eat, Pray, f*cking Love"?

Give me a minute.

I can't be seen sneaking through legislation behind the President's back.

I mean, that would be insane. It would be disloyal.

Ma'am, senator Macauley loves this bill and he may decide to do it anyway.

Well, if senator Macauley wants to do it himself, then that's great, you know?

It's just that I can't be seen doing it.

Okay? Okay?

Ma'am, I got you a little bit of ice cream.

I thought that might be just what you wanted.

That is just exactly what I wanted.

Would you get me some whipped cream?

Yeah, give me a minute.

I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because I didn't know if you already knew, but my loyalty is with potus.

Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs.

You had no f*cking idea.

Dan, I had a f*cking idea.

You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore.

Come on.

Sorry.

So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to potus as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?

What I'm saying, you f*cking ape, is that you are a useless waste of f*cking carbon.

I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so f*cking low-rent, you can't even be exploited.

Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.

Where is the bread at this place, asshole?

And you, you upstate New York dickshit...

Watch it.

Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York.

You guys think you're f*cking New York, but you're not.

And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around.

( Scoffs )

I don't like you, Dan.

Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah.

That's why you're so upset.

You know what, Dan?

You're a f*cking dick.

Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole.

Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.

( Sirens blaring )

Hey, we should send potus a postcard from Paris.

What's French for "shove it up your ass"?

God, Parisian women really intimidate me.

Why?

I don't know. They're so Parisian.

You're as stylish as any Parisian woman.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, so are you.

Thank you.

That took too long, didn't it?

We can't go to Paris.

sh1t.

No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up.

What are you talk...

Be quiet. What?

They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate.

You need to head back to preside again.

It's gavel time.

What bill is it?

That was a play on "it's hammer time."

I know. What bill is it?

No. No. It's the Macauley amendment?

Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs.

Oh.

Which way are you gonna vote?

The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go.

Okay.

Which way do you think that should be?

Look, you already know my feelings on this.

The President does not want the clean jobs amendment passed in any form.

( Sighs loudly )

Dan, talk, please.

If it comes down to a tie, vote for.

You back your own policy.

Yeah? You think so?

No.

Yes.

So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy that you and I have been working on for months, actually years if you think about it, Amy?

Yes.

Wow.

All right, let me get this straight.

So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it.

And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it.

Yeah?

This is some weird ass "through the looking glass" sh1t right now.

Vote against.

Vote for.

Hey, ma'am. They need you on the floor.

Oh, boy. Ahem.

All right, well...

See you later, folks.

Wish me luck.

You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you?

I know you did.

Macauley is his own man.

If you did this, you went against Selina's explicit orders and you have put this entire office into a salad spinner of f*ck.

What, are you checking your fantasy f*cking football scores?

Get the f*ck off it.

Hey. Oh, man. What's she gonna do?

What I said.

On this vote, the yeas are 50, the nays are 50.

The Senate being equally divided, the Vice President votes in the negative and the amendment is not agreed to.

( Bangs gavel )

( Sighs )

Is this what I came into politics to do, Amy?

It's a rhetorical question.

Obviously I didn't come into politics to do this.

On a happy note, we reassigned the smiling secret service guy.

Mmm.

It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about.

( Knocks )

Oh, God, what?

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

And yet you are disturbing me.

Potus is anxious, after recent events, that you don't feel he's trying to nudge you out of process of government.

Oh, isn't that thoughtful, Amy?

So he would like you to head up a program that is very important and very dear to his heart.

No, no, no, no, no.

You do not do this to me.

Do not say that it is obesity. Do not say that to me.

It's obesity.

No, no.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn the fat straw.

I will have all the relevant documents forwarded onto your team.

Okay, it's your bedtime. Get out of my office.

Good night.

Oh, God.

Amy.

I mean, seriously.

Are you believing this f*cking day?

I had to pull the plug on clean jobs, I'm about to go to France, and now he gives me obesity.

My God. I'll tell you something else, too.

This is deliberate, Amy.

The President knows how uncomfortable I am made...

( whispers ) by fat people.

You want to know the secret to keeping weight off?

Shut your f*cking pie hole.

How about that? It's not rocket science.

I'm not a nutritionist, am I?

No, I'm not. But I do know one thing.

You've got to put the corndog down, you've got to get up off your dead one, you've got to get moving.

"Get moving might" actually be a good slogan for this damn thing.

Oh, my God. It's weakness. That's really all it is.

Pure and simple, it's weakness.

It's about self-control.

You don't m*st*rb*t* in the subway, do you, Amy?

No, you don't. Do you sh1t in the street, Amy?

No, of course you don't.

Because you've gotten ahold of yourself.

And now I've got say what? I've got to say, "I'm the Vice President of the United States.

Put the cupcake down." That's now my job?

I... it's...

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Have you ever had a weight problem?

Yeah, I have.