01x08 - Tears

( Theme music playing )

Am I all packed, Gary?

Yeah, we're all covered.

The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.

I know.

We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog.

Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Okay, it's fine.

Is there an indoor pool at this place? I packed my swimsuit.

Why are you asking me that? And have we heard from the president on the economic forum?

Uh, yeah. Last I heard, he was three over par.

Huh?

Oh, forum's not happening.

Potus took a golf day.

Do you know who he's playing golf with?

No, who?

No, no, no, who?

Oh, you don't know and you want me to find out.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Sorry.

Dan. Dan Egan.

Hey.

Good to see you again, buddy. I miss your emails.

Long time no cc.

Still up here in Cleveland, huh, will?

Just rutting around with the regional swine?

Slaving away for Furlong?

Well, I am the senior advisor now.

So I get free wi-fi. I'll be going to D.C.. A lot more.

Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.

Listen, Dan, the congressman expects your boss to endorse him for governor.

Yeah, we're aware of that.

It's gotten a bit complex, all right?

So the congressman would like to speak with you in his room.

If you'd just join me, okay?

Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you?

What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?

Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

You might remember, actually, I used to work for congresswoman Hayes.

Oh, my gosh, of course I don't remember that.

Listen, I need your help, buddy. I need you to go back and tell Selina that I don't want her to endorse me for governor, okay?

She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub.

Well, that could be a bit of an issue.

We're having to bump our silver plates up to gold plates, gold plates are going up to platinum plates.

I'd make more money if I installed will here as a full-time gloryhole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar.

Which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time.

Right, will?

Yes, sir.

Congressman, she's on her way here right now.

So what? There's plenty to do here in Cleveland.

Send her to the rock and roll hall of fame.

First time I took this kid, one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was bawling like a f*cking baby.

"It's too soon! It's too soon!"

Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned...

Mm-hmm.

He's back. He's been un-reassigned.

Are you kidding me?

Not great, admittedly.

"Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my f*cking memoir.

He's not outside here, is he? Oh, hi!

Oh, my! Okay, great.

All right, that's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life.

Hey, approval ratings just came through.

Oh.

66%.

What?

Approve.

Oh!

Sorry, disapprove.

Oh.

Dis...

You know what? You go ride with the security detail.

There's no room for you in this car.

She can thank the troops, she can charm all the mouth-breathers, and then she can go back to D.C. No big deal.

The one thing she will not be doing is standing up and endorsing me. You got me?

I get the stamp of approval from her, and I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground and then start running them over and crush their skulls with my campaign bus.

All due respect, we did have a... informal understanding that she would endorse your run for governor.

All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget, there's been a little too much of this informal understanding going on around here.

Isn't that right, will?

Yes, sir.

Clean jobs was your office, right?

And its role in the Macauley amendment.

Getting senator Macauley to sneak in the VP's lame-ass legislation against the president's will.

Macauley thing, yeah, that didn't happen.

Will, tell him who I am.

Sir, you're the vice chair of the congressional oversight committee.

And in that capacity, I have a duty to shine a light on any of this kind of backseat, finger-fucking insider bullshit, Dan.

Thank you for your time, congressman.

I will do what I can.

Don't endorse.

She seems nice.

( Chuckles )

( Sirens blaring )

'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66% disapprove.

That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

Okay, let's not concentrate on that today.

Let's concentrate on Ohio.

How could that many Americans not like me?

I think they got it wrong. They counted those numbers wrong or something.

Or all those Americans are completely wrong.

Okay, this is the hotel manager. We promised him four seconds.

Madam Vice President. Welcome to our hotel.

We have to take the vice president away. Apologies.

Why have I been given this pig's blood?

It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio state beverage.

Oh, piss. Ma'am.

Yeah?

They're having trouble moving big donor tickets.

What?

Yeah.

Why? Because of me?

No.

Amy, you're gonna have to start getting everyone to like me.

Ma'am. Hi. Good news.

We are not exactly selling that many platinum level tickets.

I just gave her that news.

Yeah, but it was so much more depressing coming out of you.

Not to worry. I have a strategy.

Okay, look, we smile the smiles, we shake the hands, but we do not endorse. We give the press nothing to report.

No, that makes me look even weaker.

All right, ma'am, I...

Hey.

I really think this is something to consider.

( Phone rings )

Jonah.

Greetings from the clubhouse of power, Amy.

You need to know that the White House understands just how toxic the veep is after these latest numbers.

It's a tough time, we're aware.

Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy?

Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass.

And then that small thing actually dies itself.

If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.

Okay, thanks for the input.

And I know you're under a lot of pressure over there, so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a bootie to call on, you have my number...

Did you find out who the president's playing golf with?

Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks talking about their careers.

Oh, mm.

I was gonna follow up on that, ma'am. I didn't forget.

I did not forget.

Ma'am, it's congressman Furlong.

Well, you can tell him to go f*ck him...

He's right here, ma'am.

Oh! Roger.

Madam Vice President.

Thank you so much for seeing me.

Well, thank you for dropping by.

Excuse me while I get myself pulled together.

Of course. I like this room. This is great.

Yeah, it's the presidential suite.

Vice presidential, anyway.

( Laughs )

Listen, I've seen the disapproval numbers.

So I appreciate the delicate situation here.

Uh, just part of the job.

No, it's not. This is Will.

Will, what were they saying about the disapproval?

Apologies, ma'am. "Effed in the b-hole" across all networks.

Ma'am, that is a lingering image to try to overcome, I'll tell you.

What's this about, congressman?

Well, I was hoping maybe, ma'am, we could have a moment.

Yes. Have a seat.

Thank you.

Ma'am, I don't want you to endorse my run for governor at this time.

Um, well, Roger, that is difficult...

Mm-hmm.

For me because I'm here.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, that's great. Can I get some water?

Um, it's being put to me...

Gary, can I get some water?

Yeah.

It's being put to me that... and I apologize... but politically speaking, you are damaged goods.

I'm hearing that your credibility is...

Where is it located, will?

The toilet.

Mm-hmm. Again, not my words.

So...

The toilet?

I don't want this.

Okay.

More accurately, the crapper.

Who are you?

Who is this f*cking infant?

No one.

Let me be very clear with you about something, okay, Roger?

I don't even like you.

Right.

Right?

And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you.

So do you understand how embarrassing this would be for me now not to endorse you?

Yes, of course. I get it, yeah.

And listen, in the spirit of reciprocity, ma'am, I don't really care for you much either personally.

You can't stop me from endorsing you.

Then I will reject the endorsement publically.

Madam Vice President, do you need five minutes?

No, I don't need five minutes.

I'm absolutely f*cking fine.

Thank you very much.

You know, Roger, do you sometimes think about, I don't know, I give you this and you give me that and black is up, but brown is down now?

Do you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, in life or even just with love, you know, I mean, at the end of the day, you know, aren't we just all finally just, you know, people?

True words, ma'am.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, I haven't...

I haven't seen my... my daughter in, like, three months.

And Ted is just, you know, whaa!

I don't know where he went, you know?

You know, and I would...

I would love to go to that party, you know?

I would like to be everywhere.

( Blows )

Look, Madam Vice President, I'm sorry.

This doesn't give me any pleasure.

Don't you say it gives you no pleasure.

When anybody ever says that, all they mean is that it does give them so much pleasure.

Look...

I know what that means.

Maybe you should make an address, okay?

Talk about politics and America working together.

I know how to give a motherfucking speech.

Don't you patronize me with your no jaw.

You congressman no jaw.

Okay, ma'am. We should... we have to go.

Get the f*ck out.

Okay. Okay.

He was just not a nice man.

I'll get you some tea, okay?

I'll just leave Mike. He can stay here with you.

I'm sorry about your tears.

Yeah.

They suck.

You know, my papaw used to say, "it's always darkest before the storm." So...

Oh, the dawn, the dawn.

"It's always darkest before the dawn." And then he would kiss me.

All right, this might sound crazy, but go with it.

Her crying was very authentic and humanizing.

Okay.

I like your thinking.

I actually found it slightly erotic, too.

I take it back.

That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie.

She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on.

Now you've lost me.

Listen.

We should spitball on this, though.

( Clears throat )

The crying game play, all right?

All we've got to do is set her up and let the cameras roll.

Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple.

How do we make it happen?

Could spray her with pepper spray.

Call her fat. Kidding.

What is it that made her cry?

It's Catherine, right?

The absent mother blubber.

Genius.

Yeah.

Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

I can't believe we're doing this.

On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it, so...

Okay, ma'am, light and frothy.

Yeah.

Cappuccino politics, okay? Big three industries in Ohio...

Rubber, petrochemical, agriculture.

Right. Okay.

Hit rubber. It's a big rubber state.

Okay. Good. Yeah.

What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988?

Look who's playing golf with the president.

( Gasps ) Danny Chung.

Chung.

Shut up.

What is that?

Don't worry about it.

Felicia, one second. Feel free to dive right in on the daughter, okay?

'Cause we want to hit these disapproval ratings head on.

See, when he says things like that to me, it makes me anxious.

We just found out that governor Chung is golfing with potus.

So, if you want to talk about that...

All right.

Thank you so much.

It is just great to be back in the state of Ohio.

Been a rough couple of months for you, though.

Your filibuster reform stalled.

Clean jobs initiative, dead in the water.

You talk a lot about really wanting to be able to make change.

Do you still think you're gonna be able to make that happen?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'm very proud of what we've been able to achieve thus far.

So you feel you're back in the game?

Well, it's not a game to me.

Must be very hurtful to you, too, with all the gossip going around.

Is she gonna go? I just understand today that the president is golfing with governor Chung.

Does that bother you?

Well, I mean, the president can play golf with whoever he likes.

But I'm here because I have work to do.

It's 24/7. It's a public duty.

24/7 doesn't leave you much time for your family, your daughter.

Well, I mean, it's a punishing schedule, that's for sure.

I mean, you get... you get tired and you get knocked... knocked back.

But...

Can you imagine, Felicia, if I'm tired, imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio.

She is magnificent.

Making rubber day in and day out.

I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it.

Always bouncing back.

I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking.

When was the last time you cried twice in one day?

It was a little more recently than you'd think.

Oddjob. ( Whistles )

Come here. What the f*ck gives with your boss?

I saw the meltdown.

Congressman, I saw passion. I saw conviction.

I saw a f*cking crazy lady. That's what I saw.

If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval, the midas touch from Jenny shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal.

Me and the congress of the United States will get your ass.

Yes, sir.

Ask your buddy Macauley about it. Maybe he can help you.

The vice president.

Hello! Yes. I see you.

Oh, wow, look at this group.

Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, right behind me? Probably not.

Hello, children who do not vote.

We're getting great media response to the interview.

Are you getting this, too?

No, better.

I've been polling the room. It's warm, it's friendly.

If this plays in Ohio, it's gonna go national.

Come on, Amy.

Marcus.

What?

I made you a cake with your face on it.

Are you kidding me? Oh!

That looks like me after a long day in the Senate.

( Laughter )

I think she's only paid 50 bucks.

I have to go.

Madam Vice President.

Yes?

I'd like to introduce you to one of our actual platinum donors.

I have some great ideas about tax reform I want to talk to you about.

I want to hear them.

Well, there's two types of people.

Uh-huh.

Okay? You got grabbers.

And then you have the other kind.

I don't have a name for that. The ones who don't grab.

Oh.

The grabbers, right, they take the world by the scrotum, okay?

Oh.

And they make it happen.

This is just riveting stuff.

Oh, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Yes?

I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead.

Oh, I have the...

Middle east.

You can talk later.

We have all night.

I appreciate that. Hello. Uh-huh.

I just want to eat in a quiet corner away from these bozos, okay?

And that's the essence of a grabber.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

You'd think with all the money I'm jerking up the wall here, I'd get more than a stuffed chicken breast.

Right, well, you know, I've got to tell you, these caterers, they've got...

I gave 30,000 bucks, I get a chicken breast.

That guy didn't give 500 bucks, he's got a chicken breast.

What do I get, stuffing?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Throw me a drumstick or something.


Larry.

Hey.

It's good to see you.

Why, you need a lawyer? ( Laughs )

All right, look. Listen.

I may have gotten involved in a little something.

What happens if I get called in before a congressional committee?

Okay, you need three versions of your statement.

Uh-huh, like what I say happened, what they say happened, and the truth?

Right?

A written, an oral, and a shorter oral in case of a time limit.

Right.

Yeah, you want to tell a congressional committee the truth, Dan.

Anything out of line, you're looking at a perjury charge.

f*ck!

Don't call attention to yourself, all right?

Just lay low, keep your head down.

All right, now let's say this does actually happen and I get called in, what's it like up there?

You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out?

That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.

You're gonna get hometown, downtown questions.

You'll catch partisan sh1t. There's gonna be grandstanding.

And if they smell blood, if they think you're going down and there's gonna be a kill, you might get what we call corpse f*cking.

Jesus. Corpse f*cking?

That's what it's called where they take your mortal remains and have as much fun with it as they can.

'Cause everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay?

And they're gonna be talking about you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

( Applause )

Thank you so much.

Thank you so, so, very, very much. Good evening, everyone.

What are you doing?

Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well.

What?

Oh, sh1t.

Yeah, it's good.

Okay, that changes everything.

She's someone I know you know very well.

Hey, come here.

Relax, okay?

I spoke to her. You spoke to her.

She's not gonna f*cking endorse.

No, no, no. We want her to endorse now.

Okay? She's gone from toxic to turn-on.

So just... when we give you the nod, give her the signal, all right?

You guys are burning a f*cking hole through my stomach.

I just spent all afternoon fixing this for you.

Now you want me to unfix it?

Is this your first day in the game?

I think he's wrapping up, so...

Okay.

How you feeling?

Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb.

So here's an idea... let's put me onstage.

Selina Meyer.

( Cheering )

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.

So wonderful. Thank you.

Please be seated. Thank you so much. It is my very...

Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal.

What the f*ck is the signal?

There's no international signal to endorse.

Use your f*cking head. Give her a thumbs up or something.

Oh, my goodness. Well, this has been quite the day, hasn't it?

We love you!

( Crowd cheering )

Thank you very much.

She can't cry three times in a day.

That's three strikes and you're out.

How big are her tear ducts?

It's like they're f*cking tidal.

Such a happy occasion, and...

( clears throat )

Jesus Christ. f*ck it, don't endorse.

I'm so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union.

My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati, as a matter of fact.

( Applause )

Oh.

We used to have a saying in our family.

We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth.

( Laughter )

But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.

( Cheering )

Okay, endorse. Endorse. Endorse.

You're sure?

Endorse. Yes.

I, um...

I still miss my grandpa.

What is that, Popeye?

No, be strong.

He was the best.

He was... he was such a strong man from a great state.

And so that's why I've come here today.

I've come here today to give my 100% support to congressman Roger Furlong to be the next, the best, governor of Ohio.

( Cheering )

That's right.

That's you. Come on up here.

What the hell just happened?

So great to be part of your feel-good moment.

You're a dirty little prick.

( Both laughing )

Oh, boy. Thank you so much.

Absolutely.

Oh, boy.

Don't forget your booster seat.

Oh, shove it up your ass.

Thanks so much.

Okay.

Hey, that photographer who reads lips, he's not here, is he?

Mm-mmm.

No. That's a blessing.

Did you see the "Chicago Tribune"?

Oh, this is so great. I've never enjoyed reading this much.

You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable.

Great.

Not a compliment.

She sees human vulnerability as a weakness.

I like your mom.

Don't talk about my mother, Dan.

Good morning!

Did you see the "Chicago Tribune"?

I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies.

Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.

And, Dan, get over here and shake my hand.

What a great job you did.

My pleasure.

Seriously, getting me to endorse Furlong.

How about that round of applause?

Come on, guys. Give it up for him.

Absolutely great.

You know none of these people generally like you.

So f*cking what?

Hey, everyone. Oh, hey!

Hey, it's about time. Thank you.

Hey, Mike.

Potus is so excited about this new narrative.

I engineered Selina crying on camera.

I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio.

Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet.

Uh, yeah, he was.

Five-year-olds get that.

Jonah, do you come bearing news from the gentleman's club?

I come bearing a message of support from the president.

Oh.

As you know, he called.

Sue, did the president call?

No.

Huh.

Well, it wasn't an actual call.

I am here in lieu of that call.

Uh-huh.

But he and we are...

I have a very big announcement to make.

I'd like everyone to follow me into my office, please.

This-a-way. Okay, so I am about to announce a certain realignment.

Oh, Mike. I am sorry for your loss.

Dan, you're getting a promotion.

Wow. Yeah!

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

I just signed for an auto lease. If I could get six months...

I want you to be in charge of day-to-day rebuttal for me, all right?

You'll be the new director of policy and presentation.

Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted.

This is all I've never wanted.

Is he... is Dan my boss now?

Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch?

I guess I've got some business to attend to.

What business?

That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have the clearance.

Funny. Is that true?

This is sad. You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo.

They bring kids in to watch that.

f*ck off.

I'm assuming I'm safe.

Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me.

You remain crucial to my policy team.

All right, boys and girls, I got a promotion.

So first order of business is to issue a press release, which I already have written.

Colette, if you would do the honors.

In the me file under phase one.

Okay, and you and you, I need you to move this desk.

Let's go. Don't give me that sad orphan face.

Take your little snack pack and your water bottle and get the f*ck out.

Hey, Dan.

Yes?

Congrats on the big promotion. You and I should grab another drink.

You know what? Run it by my secretary. His name is Mike.

No, no, no, you've got to move that back.

I'm not gonna have you eyeballing me all day.

That's not gonna go there.

Relax, cow eyes.

I'm not gonna be sitting here looking at your... cow eyes the whole time. Guys, seat goes right here.

sh1t, sh1t.

What? What? What?

Twitter eruption. Veep's trending.

Amy, what's going on?

Um, you're trending, ma'am.

I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account.

I don't know how to do that.

Well, then do that.

Amy, what the f*ck? What is it, Amy?

This is the reporter from Ohio, Felicia.

Wait, wait. No, I got it.

"Got played by team veep.

They wanted me to make her cry."

Hashtag FakeVeepWeep. What the f*ck?

What? Who wanted to make me cry?

Mike engineered your crying, ma'am.

He said that he was your puppet master.

Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master.

Mike got you to cry on camera.

What the f*ck, Mike?

What the f*ck, Mike?

Amy, get into my office. Mike, especially you.

Go into my office. Okay.

Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one.

Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf.

I need to see the vice president now.

Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West...

Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of...

Pisa.

No.

sh1t?

Good.

Move it.

Yes, sir.

Hey, sweet cakes. I need to get in to see the veep.

Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic.

Take care of that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Big bully, what are you doing?

You think I'm a crybaby?

Sorry to barge in, Madam Vice President.

Yeah, Larry, listen. Furlong is in the office.

Don't talk to Furlong. You need to keep a low profile.

I just issued a press release announcing my promotion.

Bye, Dan.

Frankly, ma'am, I'm angry. Will, tell her why.

The press claims that you intentionally cried in order to divert attention away from the fact that we had to bus people into the fundraiser.

And now I'm being implicated in your disgusting little lies, and, actually, I don't feel like being dragged into the toilet with you, ma'am.

Number one, congressman, I'm sick of taking your sh1t, okay?

Number two, number one again.

The crying was manipulated, ma'am. I was manipulated.

And this meeting is now terminated because this was never a meeting to even begin with.

You're gonna need to leave 'cause I'm not really aware of where my actions will take me, okay?

What are you gonna do? You gonna choke me with some spanx?

Do you want to try me?

( Laughs )

You got breath mints in that bag? Let's go.

Oh, you got a nice big red dot in the middle of your forehead, Danno.

And it ain't a f*cking bindi.

Excuse me?

You'd better saddle up, cowgirl, 'cause I'm gonna ride this whole office into a congressional investigative hearing over the Macauley amendment and the attendant corruption.

Just relax.

I think you might want to get yourself a helmet, okay.

And a bulletproof vest and an iron jockstrap.

'Cause you're gonna get your head shot, your back stabbed, and your nuts danced on.

Have a good Monday.

Bye, Sue.

All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position.

Okay? Keep a low profile.

In your face, Dan. Mmm!

Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.

Really?

Well, can I unpromote you? I don't think so.

Is he my boss again?

Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him.

In your f*cking face.

Stop it, okay? Please, Mike.

Hey, Dan, I'm gonna take a rain check on that beer, okay?

Oh, my God in heaven. So, let's see.

The guy that I have just put in charge of rebutting is now in charge of rebutting questions over the Macauley amendment, which is the very thing he should be nowhere near rebutting.

Right?

I did warn you about him, ma'am.

Okay, get out, Amy. Get out of my office.

See, now... now I want to cry.

But I can't cry.

Can I get you a cup of tea? Okay.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, this job has f*cked me up so bad.

Now I don't f*cking know if I can cry anymore.

( Sighs )

I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am.

I mean, you've only got four years of this, so...

Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously.

12 if you run for president.

16, two-term.

So think about that.

Egan, all right? Dan Egan.

That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your f*cking ears.

Yes, E as in ears.

Yeah, I'll hold.

When Dan goes home, I want that desk back here, okay?

No, she's busy. And tomorrow.

Well, that's tomorrow in the plural.

All of them.