02x01 - Midterms

( Theme music playing )

Selina: North Dakota.

We can do this together.

There is no "I" in freedom.

Freedom is not "medom."

It's "wedom."

( Cheering )

I visited a dance studio in Hartford, Connecticut.

When I was there, I met a brave firefighter in a wheelchair.

Back then, we didn't know what HIV positive was.

Which meant he had to lose his kidney.

He shook my hand and he said, "You don't remember me, but I am your grandpa."

( Crowd cheering )

The next governor of Ohio,

Roger Furlong.

I fluffed 'em, now go f*ck 'em.

Shove it.

All the ladies in the house say "free."

Women: Free!

All the men in the house say "dom."

Men: Dom!

Thank you! Thank you!

Wow, this is amazing.

Right?

It's like a happy Nuremberg.

I know.

Where'd the Red Sea go? That lady just parted it.

Hey, POTUS needs to know about this 'cause Meyer's on fire.

Man: We just lost the Florida third, fifth, and sixth.

Great, so much for the retired mobster vote.

Florida... ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

Sir, the West Coast exit polls are looking bad.

What about New England?

Worse than the JPAC's worst projection, sir.

Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

Uh, no. No, sir.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

Selina: Dale, I'm so sorry.

What are we gonna do without you in the Senate?

Oh, they...

Yeah.

Yeah, you lost, Dale.

Oh, my God.

And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.

Right. Sounds like you're in a public place there, Dale, so you got to... you got to breathe deep.

Hang in there, buddy.

I got to go. ( Groans )

We just lost the New Hampshire first.

Okay, great. Everybody hates us.

You know what? I'm beginning to hate us.

I mean, this is POTUS's fault because, guys, I killed it at every campaign visit, right?

Yeah, you did. My girlfriend said you are a rock star.

There was a lot of love for you on the campaign trail.

Yeah, a lot of love.

No, not for you, Marjorie.

In fact, that's probably why you lost the New Jersey fifth.

Good-bye.

You know what?

This is time for POTUS to start honoring his ticket promises to me.

I want my regular one-on-one meetings.

Hello?

I want more responsibilities in infrastructure and education reform.

I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks.

I want a Cartier f*cking dildo.

Oh.

Hey, Ame, are you listening?

Uh, yes. My mom just called.

My dad may have had a stroke.

Oh, my God. Amy, I'm so sorry.

Is he speaking?

Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish sh1t.

Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.

Mm-hmm.

Unless he's slurring his words.

Well, it... so, do you need to go and be with him?

My mom said he was asking for me, but my sister's there.

Oh, good. Seriously, if you walked in, can you imagine how stressed out he might be with like, "What are you doing here?

Isn't it time that you'd be with the veep?

It's the freakin' midterms and isn't she gonna take this opportunity to expand her role in the White House?" Or whatever he might say.

But if you need to go, Amy, you should go.

No. I'm good. I'm here.

All right, good.

So you got what I said before?

Yes, Cartier dildo.

I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now.

You know what? Dana's dad had a knee operation and it was...

Oh, my God, Gary, stop going on about your girlfriend.

Really? Am I that bad?

Yeah, this is you, Gary... "Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana."

Okay. Okay. Okay, Sue. Thank you.

All right, item number one: job share.

We are going co-POTAL, right?

Apparently POTUS Chief of Staff's telling everyone to write their will.

The mood over there is gonna be pretty grim.

Like Jonestown.

Oh, you know what I want?

I want that lipstick that my stylist recommended.

Ooh, Miami Sunburst.

Yeah.

So when it hits 2:00 A.M., my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.

( Laughs )

Does anyone have anything on Ohio?

Or why this f*cking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts?

Oh, that's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and sh1t.

Okay, this just in from J-stat central.

We've got the seventh and ninth in Utah down.

Team Jonah's gonna have that stat watch, okay?

You come to me. Have some nachos and numbers, huh?

Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.

Is this gonna hit the Dow? Maybe I should have bought stock.

Why, you got money problems?

Not money problems, money challenges.

( Crowd cheering )

Is that Furlong?

Minnesota. Danny Chung just increased his margin.

Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record?

No.

100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds.

And I intend to serve you the way I served the American people overseas when they needed me.

Oh, ker-chung, ker-ching.

Pay up. Yeah.

I need something positive, okay? Something to boost morale.

We're ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana.

What? That's it?

That and the big quake hasn't yet hit San Francisco.

Okay.

Hello, everyone.

Madam Vice President.

Well, I have some good news.

It seems...

Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana.

J-dog out.

I'm sorry, Madam Vice President, you were saying?

I was saying exactly that.

Yeah, that'll take the edge off this cornhole.

Everyone, please be seated.

Keep up the good work. Okay? Hey, Ben?

Ben?

( Phone ringing )

Did you borrow Selina's Miami Sunburst, Sue?

No.

Oh, my God.

Mike, your phone's ringing.

Could you get it, please?

It's the morning shows. She's not doing them.

This is Mike McLintock's phone.

He's asked me to put you on hold.

If I do not return, then you've got your answer.

Am I disturbing your downtime, Mike?

Give me a break. I'm on eBay.

Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm.

Like she's ever gonna need that.

I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security.

Communications is your job, Mike.

I'm in a financial hole, okay?

I bought something I shouldn't have and I can't get rid of it.

What did you buy?

A boat.

Is that a euphemism?

No, it's a boat.

It's a leaky f*cking boat and no one's bidding on it.

Do not yell at me, Mike. I did not force you to buy a boat.

I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it.

There's a bilge, which I don't even know where the f*ck...

Gary: Hey, stop talking about boats, please.

Can someone please help me out for a second? One second.

Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary?

Oh, use another lipstick.

Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem?

I sell a kidney?

You know what? You know what? Coral Blush.

That's gonna look the same. Coral Blush.

Stay over there.

Ben?

Ben?

What are you doing in here?

Getting away from the bad news.

Just trying to realign myself.

You know what I'd like?

Uh-uh.

I'd like to be cryogenically suspended.

Yeah, and then be woken up in the future?

No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

Are you drunk?

No, I'm just depressed.

All right, look.

I got a plan.

I'm gonna take more of a leadership role on as vice president starting tonight and I need your advice as how to set that in motion.

Ask Kent.

Kent Davison?

Yeah, he's back. Senior strategist.

No.

Yeah.

Do you know what his strategy was two years ago?

Do you remember that? He had me hang with my ex-husband like we were this normal, loving family.

He made us go river rafting together.

Catherine got giardia.

And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank on the riverbank all night.

I said to Kent, "Can you make me feel good about this somehow?"

And you know what he does? He points to a graph.

He is cold.

Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

Right. When's he coming back?

Oh, he's back.

What?

He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere with his f*cking statistics.

Where? Where's his office?

You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine?

It's just one door on the left from there.

But wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

You know what's gonna happen to me tomorrow?

No.

My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother, is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass.

Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.

One final item... although the vice president appreciates your offer of stale pastries and pleasant conversation, she will not be doing the morning shows tomorrow.

Is she deserting a sinking ship, Mike?

( Laughing )

Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny.

You guys are hilarious.

Put your boat on eBay.

Thank you.

Can you put a sinking ship on eBay?

Thank you.

You can put anything on there.

Has no track record as a senator.

I've been around the block, honey.

You haven't seen lipstick lying around, have you?

Oh, yeah, it's in the office next to your Klonopin and feminine itch powder.

Thank God.

Guess who's back.

Not Furlong yet.

You can trust me and the people of Ohio.

I think there's gonna be quite a few surprises tonight.

Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?

Speaking of creepy, Kent Davison is back.

Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts.

Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration.

Hey.

Hey, I know you think my stat guys are bullshit, but we got early exits on Ohio gubernatorial and they are not good for you, Mr. Egan.

Shut up. Dan Egan's office.

Hello, Dan. I've got Congressman Furlong for you.

Here you go, sir.

Wipe that thing off before you hand it to me.

Here you go.

Hey there, pretty boy.

You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.

I have no plan to go to prison, Congressman.

Holy sh1t, is that him?

Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit.

That's just the way it works out sometimes.

You are f*cked.

If I lose this election tonight and I'm back on that Congressional Oversight Committee, your ass is toast because I don't like the way your boss runs things over there and you are a mighty soft target.

If I have to come after you, Dan, I can promise you something.

You're gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay 'cause you're going down. ( Kisses )

Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine.

( Laughing ) Mouth open.

Fat Wolverine.

Oh, Kent.

Madam Vice President.

Look at you, you're all back.

I see they took out the sink and the toilet.

Made it a little roomier for you.

I could punch through the wall and tap POTUS on the shoulder.

And what would you be tapping him on the shoulder about specifically, do you figure?

Repositioning.

So glad to hear you say that.

We are on the same page, my friend, both in terms of the party and, of course, in terms of myself.

Am I supposed to ask a question now?

Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away.

And what would that question be?

Well, that question might be what do you think is the best reposition to take?

And what would the answer to that question be?

And the answer to that question would be standing right in front of you.

The answer would be a certain someone, shall we say, whose skills were not adequately tapped.

That's some question.

So, we're good.

We're good.

Great. I'm so glad that we had this chance to connect.

I really am.

I don't think I was actually very clear before.

No.

My uncle used to have this saying.

He used to say to me, "Honey, if you're not at the table, you're probably on the menu."

And, Kent, I will not be eaten.

Why would anyone want to eat you?

You do know that I am not running for office right now?

I am, in fact, the vice president.

I wouldn't dispute your title. I might question your role.

It would be great if you would stand up when the vice president enters a room.

Oh, Lord, all right.

Oh, Lord.

There you go.

Oh, at ease, Kent.

I'm just looking for my mug.

Yeah. I love this baby.

It holds about nine cups' worth.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's the only thing I'd save if this building were on fire.

Okay. This is such a silly conversation that we're having.

I'm gonna go talk to the president.

He went to bed.

He's in bed?

So that makes you the livewire, huh?

This can't get out.

It won't get out.

Jonah: Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed.

So let's make sure we make his dreams come true tonight by fighting until that last bullet.

Why don't you take the first bullet and put it through your brain?

( Laughs ) Yes, sir. Pfft.

I'm gonna have more of a role in this administration.

Well, I just crunched the numbers.

I know. You're the numbers cruncher.

And right now they taste pretty bland to me.

Well, salt and pepper 'em.

Marion, listen very closely.

You have as much chance of getting the vice president on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader.

Yes, Marion. We're all aware of that. Good-bye.

Touch and go? Is that what they said?

No, it's a classic. There's a mounting on it for a harpoon gun.

Well, Richard, if you hear me say no, that means no.

No.

You good slapping down those hacks?

Sue: I really do enjoy it.

It's kind of like dumping all my ex-boyfriends at once.

Oh, you got a lot of exes, huh?

Hey, dumpling. It's Gary.

I'm sorry I missed you.

It's just I can't find her lipstick and I thought maybe it fell out of the Leviathan at home.

Okay, folks, Kent Davison is back.

So, number one: what are we gonna do about it?

Number two: why am I telling you this news?

And number three: would you please hang up the phone because I'm the f*cking Vice President of the United States and I have something to say.

I'm going.

So now we got to figure out a way to get Kent on board with this whole co-POTAL thing.

You can't reason with him. It'd be like explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.

Selina: I don't know what those words mean.

Mike, are you in the middle of some sort of aneurysm?

Let's just wind back a sec, okay?

Yes.

You think Kent Davison is a bad thing?

Okay. All right.

I have a very strong feeling that Kent is gonna get in between me and POTUS, like some sort of thick rubber condom, and I have got to have...

Unprotected.

Unprotected access to the Oval Office.

Well, Amy, you were on the campaign trail with him.

How do we pop him?

Uh, I, um...

Well, I guess...

What?

Hey. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah?

You have to go and see your dad.

( Stammering ) This is the midterms.

Amy, it's the f*cking midterms. Go.

Thank... thank you.

It's the f*cking midterms.

Unbelievable.

Okay, everybody, it's official.

We have lost...

We have just lost the House.

So put everything on the wagons and shoot the dogs because we have just lost the f*cking House.

What he just said.


Dan: Yes!

What?

What?

I think this is it. I think this is our time to strike.

Okay, here's the plan. I'm gonna go pee pee and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.

Very good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Mike. Give me a hug.

Uncle Ben's on his way out.

What is that, Ralph Lauren?

For men.

Well, that's a good scent.

Congressman.

Hey, Brokeback Egan.

Excuse me. Would you get that f*cking thing out from under my nose?

I could, uh...

I just want to offer my sincere condolences on the loss of your gubernatorial race.

Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

Oh, and on the loss of your committee chairmanship, sir.

You know, now that we lost the House...

We just lost the House and you're crowing?

You're actually pleased about this?

Why? Because... well, we lost the House, that's bad, obviously, but now this gets me off your case and that's okay?

Couldn't have put that better myself, sir.

Are you eating my pizza?

No, sir, you... because you said that...

No, I said don't wave it in my face.

I didn't say eat it.

It's still good.

Eat it! Eat it all right now!

I'm sorry.

Got here as soon as I could.

Just really glad you could fit your father into your busy schedule.

She means hi, honey.

( Sighs ) Uh...

Why is this heart monitor not on?

I'm fine.

They don't know if it was a stroke or not, hon.

Okay. ( Exhales )

You said Dad was dying.

Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy.

All the shouting certainly isn't helping anything.

Yeah, stop shouting, Sophie.

Oh, my God, Amy. You work for the vice president.

It's not like it's Google.

Dan.

Yeah?

My pee pee is done.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's go crack Kent.

Jonah: Okay, J-dog update.

Oh, God. It's f*cking Big Bird.

Let's go through here.

Oh!

Whoa.

Sorry to disturb.

Don't know what you're doing, but I will leave you to it.

Hey, Madam Vice President.

I see you've found my crib. This is Team Jonah.

This is my hot stat three-piece, my data Nirvana.

Madam Vice President, it is such an honor to meet you.

Oh, thank you so much. I really appreciate all the work you're doing on this terribly depressing evening.

Actually, not terrible for you.

Your campaign visits always lead to a bump for the candidate.

What?

You have been a consistent integer.

I'm not really sure I remember what an integer is, per se.

You're great news. You even aced POTUS.

You're like Neo.

Wow.

What's a Neo?

He's from "The Matrix."

Everything he does is awesome.

The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Guys, we agreed to let "The Matrix" debate lie.

Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

So you're saying that all of these numbers are good for me?

They're great for you.

That is outstanding.

( Laughing )

Jonah: Shh!

Could you collate this for me very quickly?

Signed, sealed, delivered. ( Clicks tongue )

( Clicks tongue )

Okay, meet me in Kent's office.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, Kent Davison? He's in the Oval Office with POTUS.

POTUS is awake?

Yeah, last I heard.

Okay, I will be in the Oval Office.

I will be expecting that material.

Thank you very much.

So what format do you want this in?

Excel? Pie charts?

Just, like, in English.

Is that a racist joke?

Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Amy, Amy, Amy. Oh, thank God.

What?

Listen, Amy.

Something has happened to the vice president.

I know your dad is dying and I'm really, really sorry, Amy, but I think Dana took Selina's lipstick.

It's the one thing Selina asked for and I don't have it and it's ruining her night.

Fine, keep your bra on. I'll swing by your place and pick it up.

Thank you. Listen, I've got two options I can offer her as a stopgap and then we can... Okay. Oh, great.

Back soon, Daddy. Mwah.

Hope your boss at CVS is okay with you taking time off.

Always with the last word. That's why you're single. Guys hate that.

You have three kids by two different guys.

Maybe your last word should have been no.

( Door opens )

Kent.

Where's the president?

Asleep.

Well, should you be in here?

People need to think he's in here leading.

But he's not.

He is, according to the rumor I put out.

Well, I'm not in here.

But since I am here, I thought maybe we could agree that at any joint meetings that you and I have with the president, I will be first in and I will be last out.

Fine, but as senior strategist, I'll already be in the room.

Are you suggesting that a senior strategist is a higher position than a vice president?

It depends on the vice president.

Yeah?

Well, this one is me and I'm f*cking great.

And you're not an elected representative.

You're only an elected representative by default.

The American people voted for him.

And him chose me, okay?

I'm gonna be in the room first.

I'm gonna be in the room last.

You think this is a negotiation?

What leverage do you think that you have?

Oh, I have leverage.

I got a big bag of leverage coming my way.

So, vice president, president... bam.

Come on, you are the vice president.

By definition, you should be at half the height of the president.

Mm-hmm. You want to see where you are?

( high-pitched voice ) Hi, Kent. How's it going?

Thank you so much for bringing us the memo on aggregates.

Now why don't you just go and f*ck yourself in your own asshole?

( Normal voice ) What the f*ck do you want?

Ma'am, we have that data you requested.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come.

Was there a TV on in here?

No. Come in.

You might want to sit down for this.

It's okay. I'm all right.

Okay. Hit it.

When it comes to successful campaign visits, ma'am, you have a lead over POTUS of 0.9%.

Yeah, but that's not even a percent-age.

If we round it up, we can make it one.

I couldn't find...

Just...

Sir, she has strong utility and key demographics... working mothers, Hispanic voters.

She gives us traction in swing votes.

Yeah.

She's a useful tool.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna be used as a prop again, my friend.

I will never forget on election night how you put my ex-husband up on that stage and it was my night, Kent.

It was a healing image for America.

The way that you used Catherine to make it look as if we were all coming together.

Calm down.

Don't you tell me to calm down!

I saw that photo that you had in your office with the word "glue" written across her forehead.

Better if I said cement?

Here's some good lipstick.

f*ck that lipstick!

( Shrieks )

Kent? Are you okay? I'm so sorry.

What, are you high?

No, no, she's not.

No, that was my fault.

Um, what's going on?

Just been with the president.

He's asked me to stay on.

My eye hurts.

What's that sh1t all over the carpet?

( gasps )

Dan: Oh, sh1t. Ooh.

If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

What?

White wine vinegar will lift the stain.

You take your eyebrows and you get out.

Gary: Here, ma'am.

I've got some wipes. I've got a lot of wipes.

Look right here. It's over here, too.

Ma'am, no! You're tracking it!

No, no, no, no!

What?

Don't do that.

It's stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

Wait, do I put this one down? Is this clean?

Wait a minute. Just answer that.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Okay, get it off my shoe.

Don't wipe it. Just give me the shoe.

All right, take the shoe.

You should not be in here. We need to go.

I know.

We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go.

You got to clean it up.

It's gonna be fine.

It's a lot.

Selina: You can do it, though.

Dan: He's okay, he's okay.

Okay. Okay.

( Whimpering ) Oh, God.

God, God.

Amy.

Dana, hi. Have you got the lipstick?

Feel like my lips have touched the veep's. It's quite a thrill.

That's a little disrespectful.

Oh, hey, Amy, let's not start off on the wrong foot, okay?

I'm a big part of Gary's life now.

And you're welcome to him.

Amy, I think we both know that any woman who's met him but didn't get to keep him is gonna see me as the enemy.

I'm sorry, but you missed your chance.

( Door closes )

Oh, my God. I got the lipstick out.

What? What are you doing? Nobody is gonna know about that.

Sue, did the president call?

Ma'am, he did, actually.

What?

Ben: Madam Vice President.

Huh?

POTUS has noticed your .9% and he's giving you an enhanced role in foreign policy.

What? Really?

So, Kim Jong whatever is swinging his nuclear dick again.

The Russians have planted their flag on a Norwegian pile of pelican sh1t.

Could you just send that to me in an e-mail or something?

You got a sit-down with CENTCOM in two hours.

What?

Some US backpackers tried to smoke a doobie with the wrong dudes and they have been kidnapped in Uzbekistan.

Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could- give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.

( Knocking )

Kent.

Oh, I'm so sorry about before.

Although, God, you made a funny noise.

I wish I could get that as my ringtone.

How's this for a funny noise, ma'am?

POTUS wants you to do the morning shows.

What?

You will be the face of our failure.

No, no, Kent. I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated.

You're booked for 27 interviews.

Better put on some lipstick.

Wow.

Jonah: We lost the battle, but we ain't cattle.

Two years' time, bitches!

Selina: Oh, God.

Okay, I got coffee, I got ginseng, I got protein bars. You want some of those?

No.

No?

I need that stuff that junkies use.

You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Dan: We have three minutes to the interviews, ma'am.

Hey, I got this off your dresser.

Do you want to wear this pin?

Yeah.

There's a horse coming out of my head.

What? What are you talking about?

There. There's a horse...

Oh, my God.

I don't know why I'm catching these things.

Hey, got your lipstick.

I don't want the f*cking lipstick.

She doesn't want the f*cking lipstick, Amy.

Selina: This color is better.

The White House wants to make sure that they are kept out of the veep's incident, so we want the lipstick throwing to have taken place here and not at the Oval Office.

It was an accident, okay?

Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.

Is there something I need to be in on here?

I was talking about my boat.

Please, Mike, you're talking about a f*cking boat?

Really?

I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest with no legs and a massive ass.

It's not that big, ma'am.

What?

I think your ass is perfect.

Good morning, Oklahoma City.

Thank you so much.

Want to play midterm cliche bingo?

First phrase she uses. I already got "wake-up call."

Not at all. I wouldn't say it's all bad news.

Frank, no, I wouldn't say it was a shellacking.

It's not a disaster. I mean, not for m-m... not for me... mean... excuse me.

Well, we've been up all night.

The American people have said this is a wake-up call.

Oh, my God, I look so old.

No.

What is that reaction?

Smile with your eyes if you can.

Yep.

And your nose if you can.

With my nose? How do you do that?

Remember to thank somebody, okay?

Not God. Don't make it religious.

But thank, like, farmers. They love that sh1t.

Plurality? Is that what you said?

Pulal... yeah, look at that.

Plurality.

Yeah.

It's not good, you know what I mean?

It's kind of a fish face.

Yes, yes, indeed.

Well, there's been a plurality of views.

Well, there isn't an economic Santa Claus, and don't I wish that there were.

Well, we are the United States of America because we are united and we are states and we are of America.

Oh, it was my pleasure. Thank you.

Gary: Oh, great job, ma'am.

You're done. You're done.

Get this out of my ear.

Gary: Let's get you in a comfy chair.