02x04 - The Vic Allen Dinner

( Theme music playing )

What rhymes with majority? Nothing.

Come on, you still working on that funny song about the new Speaker?

Give it a break.

Oh, priority.

And authority. Sorority.

Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Oh, no. No, no, no! Gah!

Look where Jonah's coming from.

Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God.

He's been given West Exec parking.

Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

Good morning, gentlemen. What a delightful day.

I was gonna walk to work, but then...

You got West Exec?

It's just a parking spot, Dan.

To be jealous of that, you'd have to be a shallow kind of...

I don't know, dick, I guess.

( Sirens blaring )

This is the situation room, ma'am, during the hostage mission.

We need to approve a photo for release.

Okay.

Let's see.

Oh, my God. Look at Ben.

Look at the size of his coffee mug.

Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

Ooh, I look nice, though, huh?

Gary: Yeah, you do.

You look concerned, but steely.

Yeah.

Like a lady soldier.

Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there?

No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Okay, here's all the details of the youth leaders that you're gonna be meeting.

Oh, man.

Who the hell is religious as a teenager?

I was.

I mean, smoke some weed, for Christ's sake, right?

Oh, God, look at the president.

Jeez, he looks so...

He looks jowly.

Ah, look at those cheeks.

It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.

Oh, my God, with the bags. It's always bags with you.

Got to get out of the bag zone.

Come on, Gary.

Sir.

Gentlemen.

Very excited about this new demographics study you're planning.

You should be. Dream Metric will reveal the electoral battleground as it truly is.

It's comparable to the invention of the microscope.

Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas I have regarding strategy?

No time, Mr. Egan.

They're mostly Flash based, but I put them on YouTube.

I just said I had no time.

We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike?

Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.

Great cruiser.

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done.

You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

( Laughs ) I've got a Lagoon 380.

Mike: Catamaran?

Yeah.

That's real man's sailing.

Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

You're right there, my friend, yeah.

I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

You know, I once went powerboating on Lake Erie.

Amazing rush.

I need to go.

You don't talk powerboating to us sailors, Dan.

What's the f*cking difference?

Hey. Veep in?

No.

Dan: You have time to just sit there?

You've already bugged the sh1t out of everyone else in the building?

I'm sorry, what? Say that again.

Jonah, out. Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.

Morning, guys.

Morning.

13,000. No, 14,500.

Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today?

No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

You think I had a job interview?

I know you had a job interview.

How, Sherlock?

Simple makeup, higher neckline.

Flats don't go with that dress, which means you probably have heels in your bag.

Coffee from corner bakery implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

I love this stuff.

That and somebody called your extension to make sure you had the right address.

( Scoffs )

( Phones ringing )

Hey, is Danny Chung gonna be performing tonight?

Really? What's he gonna be doing?

I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a f*cking war hero he is.

Yeah.

No, we have no official comment.

No, that is not a non-comment.

We're just not commenting.

What?

How did this photo get out there?

What?

Can we delete it off the Internet, then?

No, I don't know what I'm talking about.

What? What's going on here?

Ma'am, the White House released this picture.

What? No, no. This isn't...

Amy, this isn't the photo that we approved.

No.

Look at this.

It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg.

Yeah, it does, ma'am.

This is Kent's doing.

He's trying to screw me. I'm gonna go stab him.

I'm stabbing him.

Yeah, from this point. It's unprec...

All right, get out.

Get out. You, too, Amy.

I don't want any witnesses in here. I'm not kidding.

I'll start running the acid bath.

Yeah.

This is the photograph?

No, just wondering if you think this sweater goes with the dress.

Look, the other photos caught POTUS at a bad angle.

Vis-à-vis jowls.

What?

It's a bad look.

That's how he looks. That's his face.

Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in?

I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

No, that's true. You're not.

You don't have a tenth of his charm.

( Sighs )

Okay, I'm just gonna go work on my Jim Marwood song.

Uh, we're in budget talks, reaching across the aisle.

POTUS does not want the Speaker mocked.

Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike, Rodgers and Hammershit, come up with a new song in an afternoon?

We can laugh at ourselves.

Maybe you should do a funny bit about the photograph.

Own the situation.

Own this.

She was multitasking.

You need to get off the phone.

It's a thing women can do, like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.

Okay.

Bye, Tom.

Were you on top of this or what?

We were busy writing youth culture references in a funny song about the Speaker.

( Mocking gibberish )

I don't even know what you just said.

What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?

I was... sorry, ma'am.

God damn, why are you even here?

Oh, I came here to tell you that you're a meme, ma'am.

I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

A meme, an Internet phenomenon.

Okay, yes. There are Photoshopped versions of this springing up all over Twitter.

You at the Declaration of Independence...

Oh, my God.

With Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion, the 2004 tsunami.

If there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone 'cause you'd be checking the weather.

You know what? I don't need you to talk.

How do we stop this meme ma'am sh1t?

No, it's just a meme, ma'am. Not a meme ma'am.

And usually they flame out after about 48 hours, but sometimes they blow up and become a super meme like Downfall or Gangnam.

Gary: I love Gangnam.

What did I just say?

Jonah: If it gets on Reddit or Tumblr, that can happen.

Yeah, okay. You've got to get out of here, okay?

Take all these meaningless syllables with you and just get out.

Yes, absolutely, ma'am. Oh, and I will see you at the dinner tonight.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.

Ooh, your leg. Could you put...?

Fix your leg so I can see your whole leg.

Fix it. Yeah. Okay.

POTUS said that we can't do the song about the Speaker at the Vic Allen dinner. We can't do it.

The Speaker song is cut?

Yeah.

It was hilarious.

It was not that hilarious.

You're out of your head, dude. That would have made people piss in their pants.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's do a new song about Kent.

Kent?

Mm-hmm.

You think?

Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said.

I kind of like that. ( Laughs )

I do, I kind of like that.

All right, we'll do it. I have no problem with that. Let's go.

That's what we're gonna do. Let's go.

Just stop the filibuster, buster.

That's good.

That's not a rhyme.

You're just matching a word with the same word.

Just write it down, Dan. I'm in a zone.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag.

You're wrong. You know why?

Three words... Weird Al Yankovic.

sh1t Al Yankoshit.

You shut your mouth, okay?

Just... protect the endangered goose, Bruce.

These are all great. A parody song of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover."

Great idea.

Really?

Yeah.

If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, "sh1t the bed, we got 49 more of these to go."

Help the oil lobby, Bobby. That's a good one.

Let's follow Jonah.

That is so childish.

Mike: Why are we doing this?

Because it's pointless, like everything else that we do.

You still pissed you can't get in with Kent?

Nobody can. He's half robot, half robot.

He's a robot.

Yeah, that's the challenge, Mike.

See, in college all the girls liked me.

There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me.

She wasn't gay either. I checked.

So it became my mission to sleep with her.

And did you?

No.

And that failure has haunted me to this very day.

I have a similar story, but the other way around.

In college there was only one girl that was interested in me.

And it turns out she was actually a lesbian.

Amy: Everyone is a little off.

Dan is bored. Sue is looking for another job.

What? Really?

Mmm, and the stuff you're saying to Gary...

What? Gary's not happy with me?

What?

Because he'd be happy if I shot him in the face.

He would be. I've actually thought about it.

He feels since he got that girlfriend Dana, you've been weird with him.

Okay, can you please... can you please not...

See? That is another thing. The leg.

Well, he did lose a whole leg.

That's like half of what he should have, right?

I'm fine. Look, I can handle this whole thing.

I can. Sue.

You are incredibly valued here and I was wondering if there's anything we could do to make you want to stay with us.

More money, ma'am.

I'm on it. Welcome back.

Honored to serve.

Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

Gary.

I'll talk to Gary.

How about doing that outside of the office?

Invite him to dinner maybe.

Wow. I've never eaten with Gary before.

I've eaten next to him, but...

Okay, yeah. I can do that.

Good morning, Jonad.

You're pathetic.

Jonuts!

Yeah, come at me when you guys get an office, huh?

Everyone hates him.

Yeah, but we hated him first.

Oh, yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.

Mike: This is like a wildlife documentary.

Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

What is this?

I don't know.

Jonah.

Hey.

Busy?

No.

I just had to get some of these binder clips.

Oh.

From another building, huh?

Yeah, we ran out at the White House.

Isn't there a guy, though, that can get that for you?

Yeah, you'd think there would be.

Yeah, but he's... he's off sick.

Who is?

Steve.

What's poor old Steve come down with?

He has diabetes.

Oh, wow. That's a big one.

What type?

Two.

Yeah. What are the symptoms of two again?

Oh, he's just feeling bad.

He's... you know, he's sugary.

Yeah.

Or he's not sugary enough.

Right.

Yeah.

Are there any other symptoms?

Yeah, he's got fat wrists. You know?

Yeah. You getting freezed out by Kent?

We've been watching you, Jonah.

You're obsolete.

You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth.

You guys have been following me?

Yeah.

You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog and I'm the one that has nothing to do?

Cool the honey, bro. We're very busy.

We're writing a comical song.

Shut up, Mike.

Well, I might have nothing to do, gentlemen, but at least when I'm crying about it, I am crying about it in my car in West Wing Exec parking.

( Sirens blaring )

♪ 50 ways to win in Denver ♪
♪ La-lum. ♪

Hey, ma'am, thanks again for inviting me to dinner.

Sure.

It's an honor.

I actually wrote it in my diary and stared at it for a full five minutes.

♪ My treat for you... ♪

( Laughs )

♪ Would you set it all up, please ♪
♪ And check the menu, too? ♪
♪ Of course. ♪
♪ No, no, no, I actually really do mean that ♪
♪ Figure out the restaurant and everything. ♪

Okay. Okay.

Um, do you...

♪ Yes, Gary? ♪
♪ What is it? ♪

( Laughs )

♪ Can Dana come along? ♪

Oh, really?

No.

That was a bad idea.

It's okay if she can't.

Um, no, it's good. Fine.

( Laughs ) You are gonna love her.

She's a total gal's gal.

Oh, I can't wait.

She says this one thing...

Can you get me my throat spray?

I need that. Do you have it?

Sure.

♪ Mi fa so la ti do. ♪

( Gary singing )

♪ No, no, no, don't sing it with me ♪
♪ That f*cks me up. ♪


( Music playing )

Jim.

Madam Vice President.

I always feel like I should curtsy, and then I remember that doesn't make sense.

No, it certainly does not.

You know Amy Brookheimer, my chief of staff.

Mr. Speaker. It's nice to see you again.

Amy. Now, am I getting older or are you getting younger?

We're both getting older.

That's the third option, of course. That's great stuff.

I understand there's gonna be a bit of a joke truce tonight.

A cessation of hostilities.

Absolutely. There will be no jokes from me.

I'm not going to mention the photograph.

Were you Internet shopping?

( Laughs ) I'm joking.

Or rather, I'm not. There we are.

Okay.

You know, I was at that same prayer breakfast about a month or so ago.

Oh, were you?

Aren't they great kids?

They're great.

And they seemed excited as young voters about the possibility of a veteran becoming president.

Not necessarily me.

Okay.

Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility of a woman becoming president.

Not necessarily you. ( Laughs )

Well, my enhanced foreign policy role will serve me well.

Hey, it is good to be on top of international relations.

Sure.

So there are fewer opportunities for guys like me to risk our lives.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely, yeah.

And limbs.

Uh-huh.

Are you not finishing this? I'm gonna take it. Okay.

Amy, you should stop eating so much.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

You're stress eating.

I'm not. I'm having dessert.

I think you're letting the pressures of the office get to you.

You barely have a life outside. You don't go to the gym.

You don't go to the movies. You're barely at home.

That's true.

I mean, I hope I don't have a cat because, believe me, that poor fucker's dead.

( Chuckles )

You need to date, Amy.

Find yourself a political nerd who also showers.

I'm just saying I'm looking out for you.

I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak.

Speaking as a friend.

We have a lot of special performances tonight and a lot of fun ahead.

Danny Chung.

So he pulled a guy from a tank.

You saved four guys from captivity.

Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way.

Chung's guy had a face like a Christmas ham.

Emcee: Governor Danny Chung!

( Applause )

Thank you.

All right, thank you.

You know, this administration has faced many challenges.

But until now, nobody's thrown down a beatbox challenge.

( Laughter )

( Beatboxing )

( Cheering, rhythmic clapping )

That isn't impressive at all.

He's just spitting, right?

Yeah.

L-l-ladies and gentlemen, M-m-m-m-minnesota's in the house.

( Cheering )

I said, "Well, was it money or s*x?"

And he said, "No, the guy from Fox News is the only one who stopped and asked for directions."

( Laughter )

Thank you.

To be serious for just a moment, I think we need to give a big round of applause to the vice president for the part that she played in setting free those young guys who had been held against their will for so long.

Madam Vice President, thank you.

( Applause )

Thank you.

Of course, all she had to do was unlock her bedroom door, but thanks anyway.

( Laughter )

Well, at least she didn't look down her nose at 'em.

You know, when they're looking for the thing.

You know, but thank you. Okay. Okay.

Thank you so much for listening to me.

I need a joke. I need a joke.

Thank you. Good night.

( Applause )

Thank you.

Jim Marwood, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's give it up for him.

Mate?

Meat.

Meat?

No, mute. Mute.

Mute. Here.

Jim Marwood, what are we gonna do with you?

( Applause )

( Laughs )

I'll tell you, that's one speaker I'd like to put on mute.

( Mike laughs )

Okay, well, I'm gonna give this a shot.

You just need to keep in mind that I'm not Selina Dion.

( Laughs ) Okay, well, you know what?

Let's hit it, boys.

( Music playing )

♪ The problem is all inside your head ♪
♪ Kent said to me ♪
♪ The answer is easy if you take it logically ♪
♪ If you analyze elections, it's called psephology ♪

♪ Kent says there's 50 ways to win in Denver... ♪

( Laughter )

♪ Kent says there's 50 ways ♪
♪ To win in Denver ♪
♪ You just say you'll cut tax, Max ♪
♪ Don't be elite, Pete ♪
♪ Kiss a fat baby, Abie ♪
♪ Set yourself free ♪
♪ Don't be European, Ian ♪
♪ Say screw France, Lance ♪
♪ Maybe the Germans, Herman ♪
♪ The Dutch, the Swedes ♪
♪ Subsidize a bus, Gus ♪
♪ Don't be pro-choice, Joyce ♪
♪ Not too much s*x, Rex ♪
♪ Take it from me ♪
♪ Make a pie chart, Art ♪
♪ Analyze the facts, Max ♪
♪ Don't live in a palace, Alice... ♪

This is imbecilic.

You're right. It's asinine.

No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan.

I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

♪ Don't mention Israel, Catherine. ♪

( Cheering )

Selina: Good morning!

( Cheering )

You should cut an album.

Oh, can you imagine?

Amy: You killed it.

You killed better than Chung killed and he's actually killed.

I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it and I actually really liked it.

Oh, hello, sir.

Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl.

Uh... ( laughs )

Upwards.

I have a small favor to ask.

Okay, sure. What can I do you for?

Well, my Dream Metric demographic program is about to launch and I would like to borrow a member of your team for two weeks.

Oh, you want Dan?

No, I want Mike.

Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan.

He's great.

I've got a big bounce coming on.

I can feel it. I'm like you.

Selina: No, uh-uh, you can't take Mike.

He's my director of communications.

Are you kidding me? You can't have him.

POTUS's European visit, the Helsinki agreement...

Yeah?

He can no longer make it.

Debt ceiling talks are on the verge of collapse, so he needs someone to go in his place.

Now either that's the Secretary of State or...

Mike, on second thought, I think that this whole Dream...

Metric.

Metric.

Dream Metric thing sounds kind of fantastic.

Don't you think?

Yes, ma'am.

Comes from POTUS, so...

I'll see you down the hallway in 15 minutes, Mike.

I'll pipe you aboard.

Ma'am, enjoy your trip to Europe.

Thank you.

Jonah will be making the trip as well.

Uh, wait. What are you talking about?

You're taking my director of communications and you're giving me Jonah?

This comes from POTUS.

Ma'am. Ma'am, please don't let him take me.

I don't want to go to numbers camp.

I can't help you. Just let go.

Please. Please.

Let go of me, all right?

Obviously you made an impression on Kent.

I don't make impressions, ma'am.

I've literally lived with people who insist I was never there.

You give no press briefings. Understood?

I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

Cool. I'll handle new media.

Ma'am, I'm gonna get you major online traction.

Reddit, Tumblr, boom.

Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom on Air Force Two.

There's another bathroom?

Europe!

Oh, mon dieu.

Yeah, I know. It's gonna be fun.

Really, really fun.

It'll be really fun.

Now, I'm so sorry, but I don't think we're gonna be able to do the dinner with Dana.

Oh, we can bring it forward to lunch. Let's do that.

Oh. Uh...

Yeah? Yeah?

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah? Yeah? Okay.

So cut to I'd set up a business importing pecorino cheese.

Are you familiar with that brand of cheese?

Uh, I think...

It's like parmesan, but it's different.

They're very different.

What's the word that you use to describe...

A duskiness.

A duskiness.

Isn't that great? Would you ever describe a cheese as dusky?

Not in a million years, no. I wouldn't do that.

But so... so you import parmesan?

Pecorino.

I'm sorry, the pecorino.

They're direct from Tuscany, so that means it comes in through Florence.

If I were to use a Sicilian supplier, which I wouldn't, my overheads would double.

And they would have made her an offer that she couldn't refuse.

Actually, the mafia involvement in the dairy industry is minimal.

You're right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant.

Think about it. In "The Godfather," no cheese.

Yeah, you're right.

You know I'm right.

Boom!

That's her catchphrase.

She got you. You got to be so careful.

Okay.

So, Gary.

Yeah?

This lunch is about me saying that I value you.

I cannot tell you, we are so happy to hear you say that...

If you could just...

Ahem.

And I want to say thank you for all that you do for me.

Aw, that's so nice.

And I got you a little gift.

No!

Yes, I did.

Oh, that's so nice.

Look at this. A new Leviathan.

A Lev... a new Leviathan!

Isn't that great?

Does it have the same layout, honey?

Because it took you so long to learn the other one.

No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout. It's fine.

Do you wish that I had gotten you a different kind?

No, no, no, no. I love it.

♪ I love my new bag! ♪

I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.

'Cause it's a symbol.

Yeah.

It's for you.

Mm-hmm.

( Phone vibrating )

Is that for me?

Oh, yeah. That's for you. It's Amy.

Hey, what's up?

The Kent song has suddenly gotten some negative traction.

"References to Europe"...

I'm putting you on speaker.

"References to Europe in an ill-conceived song performed by VP Selina Meyer have sparked outrage in parts of the continent."

What's the problem?

The lyrics "don't be European, Ian,"

"say screw France, Lance"... that whole bit.

I'm sending the alert links to your iPad.

Excuse me, Gary. Can I have my iPad?

Do you have that?

Oh, right here.

Here you go. Sorry.

Thanks.

You know, while you're getting to know your own mind, I'm getting to know the rest of you.

( Laughs )

And Mama likes.

Excuse me.

Mama like it.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me, Gary, just for a second.

I don't know what my password is. Do you know what it...?

It's 4G. You don't need a Wi-Fi, ma'am.

But the signals are all here.

You know what you got to do is shut the Wi-Fi off.

That forces it into 4G. You know I'm right.

Okay, let's not do that.

I'm not sure how to do that.

No, no, no. That's confidential.

I won't touch anything.

I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran.

Joke.

That's not even remotely funny.

That's just one of my classic jokes.

Calamari and zucchini?

Oh, that would be for Gary here.

Okay, here you go.

And maybe some olives?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Get out!

Oh, God.

Well, our European visit just got turned into a one-way trip to hell and back.

That's actually a return.

You know what?

Could you just shut it just for like two seconds?

Why don't we go?

Yeah, we've got to cut this lunch short.

But, you know, you're gonna have your bag forever, so what the f*ck?

Kent: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Dream Metric begins at this second.

Today is ground zero. Mike.

Right.

This is the index to America.

It will let us know how people will vote before they even know themselves.

This program revolutionizes the way we think about the way we think. Mike.

It's exciting.

"Within the last hour, the German chancellor expressed his disappointment at the remarks."

Who the hell does he think he is?

"'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde' called the vice president a typical American hick."

I think it's pronounced Georges Denis.

I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

I think it just got on Reddit and Tumblr and just exploded from there.

Uh, those words sound mighty familiar.

Jonah?

I just liked the song so much.

And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

Get off the plane.

What?

Get off of the plane.

Ma'am, we're taxiing.

I don't give a sh1t. Get the f*ck off my plane.

Yeah, get the f*ck off of my plane.

I cannot believe that you put that out on Tumble.

No, Tumblr.

Okay.

Stop the engines!

Can we get Jonah off the plane, please?

Get up.

All of your privileges are gonna be removed.

Okay, but not the parking.

Yeah, the parking.

Wait, what? You have parking?

Not anymore.

Yeah, not anymore.

But I didn't even own a car.

I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

Get him off.

Okay, guys, my bag is in the hold.

Does he have a big bag?

Gary.

Okay.

Better?

It's all good.

It's all good.

I'm fine.

Totally fine.

Great.

How long is this flight?

Numbers, they never end, do they?

But that's what's good about them... they keep going.

Gary: Aw.

He should really be on suicide watch.

Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

( Laughs )

That's the Latino vote, right?

That thing?

Mike, my office.

Yes, sir.

Pen.

I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day.

What are my options if I don't need it anymore?

Can I just give that back?

No?

( Sighs ) Paper.

♪ Help the oil lobby, Bobby ♪
♪ Don't piss off Wall Street, Pete ♪

♪ Don't mention Israel, Catherine... ♪

( Crowd cheering )

♪ Get out of DC ♪
♪ Steve. ♪

( Crowd cheering )

Selina: Yeah!