02x05 - Helsinki

( Theme music playing )

It was a lighthearted song at an informal event.

Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe 'cause it's right up there with the bubonic plague and the carpet bombing at Dresden.

Tommy, hi. Amy. Yeah.

Ignore Dan. He's hormonal.

The song is funny because it's the opposite of her views on Europe.

Drinks when I get back? Okay.

You need to do it like Mike.

Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay?

Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.

You should call him.

And we need to keep the veep away from regular people and their awkward questions.

So while she's in Helsinki, just keep her out of Helsinki.

Yeah, wonderful.

She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets.

So what's the latest? Any burning effigies of me in the Balkans?

Look at you in your jammies.

I need Ambien.

Oh, right.

What? This is Cipro. I don't have a urinary infection.

Oh, my gosh.

Selina: Listen to this.

The climate here is very cold, but the reception here is very warm.

It's almost there.

Yeah.

Isn't it great?

( Phone rings )

Yes, this is. Yeah, well...

Gary.

Yeah?

Did you get my...?

Please don't make that face.

You know I only do this when I go abroad. Come on.

It's just last time you stopped, you were so up and down.

Listen, I really do need my little soldiers.

I'm just saying...

I need my flaming redheads.

I don't understand...

Thank you.

So what's going on? How's the song going over in Finland?

Some paper is calling you the Europhobic Khaleesi from DC.

Europhobic? Seriously?

What is that supposed to mean? I'm scared of subtitles?

Man: Mike, you got the summary of the 2008 swing state modeling?

Uh, not yet, but I do have a summary of the summary that's great.

So...

( Phone chiming )

Hey, Dan.

How's it hanging, Mike?

It's f*cking insane here.

It's like a math prison. They rape you with numbers.

Mike, what's your voter registration ETA?

Imminent...al.

All right, Mike, listen, just tell me one thing.

How do you do that Fozzie Bear, happy guy, wocka-wocka bullshit to get the press to like you?

Oh, you want to learn to McLin-talk, huh?

Remember it's a performance.

You have to pretend that you're charming.

It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak, keep it loose.

Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.

Explains a lot.

Call dickhead.

( Music blaring )

( Phone rings )

West Wing, Jonah.

Hey, Jonah. It's Mike.

I need you to come over here and explain this Dream Metric to... oh, bingo. I was looking for that.

Okay, so you want J-Rock to come down there and spit some wicked wisdom in your ear. Is that what I'm hearing, Mike?

Look, if you do this, I will get you back in as the veep's resident creep.

If I come down there, Mike, people are gonna wonder why I'm not in Europe.

Don't worry, buddy. I can cover for you. Remember, I lie for a living.

Yeah, but you don't do it well and nobody believes you.

I realize it's below freezing here in Helsinki, but I certainly am touched by the very warm welcome we've received this evening.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

( Applause )

Woman: Do you have any comment on the song?

Man: Madam Vice President, would you have made jokes like that about the Middle East?

Guys, we really appreciate you coming out, but let's save the autographs for tomorrow.

Is she going to apologize?

The vice president is here...

To apologize?

You're a long way from home, mate.

This is really the line of questioning...

Mate? Yeah, you're a long way from home, mate, too.

The vice president is here to sign a trade agreement and forge a very important friendship between two great nations.

Press avail tomorrow.

At which point I'll perform a little street magic for you, okay?

So you guys all think of a card.

I'm thinking nine of hearts.

I'm thinking joker.

( Reporters laugh )

( Sirens blaring )

Selina: Ooh!

That was cold and hostile.

Sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s?

Yeah, what was with that British reporter?

I know.

You do not want one of those on your back.

They will sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.

By the way, that is not the way Mike would have handled that back then at the airport, okay?

If Mike were here, we would have spent the entire flight watching him do scratcher lotto tickets going, "Oh, so close," every time he lost.

Could we just...

Yeah, I miss Mike.

Oh, look. That's nice.

It's got a smiley face on it.

Selina, you looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?

Okay, guys, thank you very much.

We're not taking any questions tonight.

We've got some iPads to recharge.

But we'll see you in the morning. Okay, thank you.

Good night.

Just get in the Jeep, veep.

( Knocks )

Hey, relax, old-timer. Cavalry's here.

We have to summarize all this for the layman.

Jesus, Mike. This is so basic.

This is like high school all over again.

Holy sh1t, grandpa, you probably still get your p0rn from magazines.

Kent: Mike, sub the data principles to 500, 100, and 20-word versions.

Jonah.

Yes, sir?

Well, this is an unexpected permutation.

Mike?

Hmm?

Um, the vice president thought Jonah's talents might be...

We're supposed to inform Congress of covert operations.

Now, this isn't a choice like my diet, this is a necessity like my drinking.

I am going to be taking soundings over the next 24 hours.

The national security advisor is running around like he's got eagles flying out of his dick.

All this melodrama really explains your three divorces.

Well, I'd like to divorce your head from your f*cking neck.

Do it. All right, listen, Mike, I need you...

How many lunch breaks can one guy take?

Dan: So I just got an e-mail from Sue.

Something's really got 'em jumping at the White House.

Okay, well, you need to go and apologize for the song.

And don't make any jokes, okay, Dan?

Because with your face, when you attempt to be charming, it really does come off as evil.

Yeah.

You doing okay?

Did you get the...?

Ooh, they got pears.

I don't want fruit. Did you get 'em?

Yes, I got 'em. I got 'em.

Oh, come on.

It's a small bag.

Are you complaining about this gift?

No, I'm not.

It's not a small bag. Your hands are large.

My dad always said I had lady's hands.

Well...

I got 'em.

Oh, goodie.

Right here.

Yep. I feel so nasty.

Wow.

Don't give me that Quaker in a titty bar look.

Seriously, don't.

British reporter: Here we go... Ken's given Barbie the slip.

( Reporters laugh )

Okay, guys, to those who may have misinterpreted the song, we, to them, offer apologies, especially our most gracious host the Prime Minister of Finland.

So what's going on back there?

Sue: All I know is the Secretary of Defense has been in to see Kent.

I must go to sleep now, Amy.

I'm on your time... Helsinchronized.

Yeah, well, I feel like I'm on two time zones at the same time.

I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods.

You got to go to Europe, Amy, and I'm in my bedroom.

Sean, you need to come to bed now.

And lower your expectations. We will just be sleeping.

It's not a crisis. Despite your standard-issue hysterical washerwoman reaction, it's really not.

Lives were at risk. You know lives?

Like what you had before they made you king of the undead.

Your idea of crisis management is screaming, "We're f*cked! Bury me!"

We're f*cked! Bury me!

Okay, it's "Hyva Suomi." That's "Go, Finland."

Okay, "Hyva Suomi." And is the song thing shut down?

Oh, yeah. Bullet in the head, unmarked grave.

Madam Vice President.

Madam Prime Minister.

I am delighted to welcome you to Finland.

Thank you. And please call me Selina.

Selina.

Yes?

Excuse me?

What?

Shall we begin?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Would you like to lead the way?

Yes, yes.

Oh, you'd like to go first?

Oh, we can...

We can go together? Yes?

In tandem.

Yes? Yes?

We shall go.

I have a gift for you.

We hope that when you come to our country, you will go fishing.

Because no one will feed me?

( Laughs ) Because you love fishing.

I don't, actually. How baffling.

No, but it is still a beautiful gift.

I also have a gift for you of famous Finnish birds.

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my.

Oh, I have it. I have it.

Thank you. What a lovely clock with an unusual bird.

It's an Angry Bird.

And why is it so angry?

Because it wants to destroy all of the pigs.

Oh, of course. It's an Angry Bird.

It is an app. It is a computer game.

It is a successful Finnish export that we give to you to reflect Finland's place as a pioneer of software innovation.

Indeed. I'm a huge fan.

You have played it?

Yes. Yes.

Although violence in games is a concern.

But in this case, it's great fun to kill the pigs in a game, of course.

( Speaking Finnish )

( Laughs )

( Speaking Finnish )

The inscription...

Yes?

Yes, it reads, "Finland, you are hefty."

Uh-uh. That is the wrong word.

Oh. Yes, it is ironic, no?

Because Americans have a much greater body mass index than the Finns.

Ah, which is why I have recently launched my Get Moving campaign, which is aimed specifically at the obese and the morbidly obese.

Why do you hate numbers so much?

Oh, God, you weren't molested by your math teacher, were you?

Let's go in here. Oh.

Hey, Mike.

Mike: Uh...

Hi, Kent.

We have a problem, Mike.

I'm gonna get you the stat summary ASAP, sir.

I am a Metric Dreamweaver.

This is not a Dream Metric issue.

Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron?

Fire-rimmed, all-seeing eye from Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings."

I think I caught it on a plane once.

The Eye of Sauron is the near perfect analogue for the modern media.

If we can draw the Eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.

And what is exactly going on here?

I cannot tell you that, Mike.

Is Selina Gollum?

No, no, no. Enough of that ear swill.

Is what's going on what I think is going on, Kent?

Are you working as a hatcheck girl now?

Oh, great. Did you see that?

The Attorney f*cking General.

Look, we all know that the lie is worse than the crime.

Look, you're nodding your head, but you don't know what the f*ck I'm talking about.

The song, it's...

Close your ears, Mike.

One of the hostages in Uzbekistan was a spy.

Now, some people knew and didn't bother to inform Congress.

Other people, like Selina, did not know.

She went on record denying that there was a spy.

So for the next 13 months, we're gonna play who knew what when.

Then some of us are gonna go off on the lecture circuit and some of us are gonna go off to prison.

Now you can shake your head.

Christ, I hate knowledge.

May I introduce, please, my husband?

Osmo Hakkinen.

How do you do?

Oh! How lovely.

That hasn't happened in Washington since 1835.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

Although I'm a little bit disappointed you've not serenaded us.

Ah, the song.

Well, I hope you realize that that was entirely in jest.

Yes. In fact, it is the presumption of offense that has offended me.

Oh, well, no offense was intended.

But your communications director apologized specifically to me.

This gives the impression that I am somehow humorless or petty. I am "neider."

She is "neider."

No, she's "neider."

Would you please excuse us for just one moment?

Yes?

For a moment, yeah.

So that song, unlike your career as communications director, will not die.

So now you must go and apologize for the apology.

Yes, ma'am.

Why are you still standing right here?

Oh, here he comes. Virgin Atlantic.

( Laughter )

Okay, guys, I want to apologize for suggesting that the prime minister may have been somehow personally offended by the song, okay?

That's on me. That's my bad.

Are you gonna be apologizing for this in about an hour or so?

Sorry?

Blimey, that was quick.

( Laughter )

Thank you.

( Music playing )

We should keep this causing offense and then apology cycle going.

Oh.

You could step on my dress. I could sneeze in your drink.

It's funny.

It is funny.

I could say you have a weird-shaped head.

Which of course you don't.

You have an ideal head, Madam Prime Minister.

But I'm very relieved that you have a sense of humor about it.

Oh, the Finns are famous for their sense of humor.

Oh.

Do you know the work of Aki Kaurismaki?

Oh, the tennis player?

( Laughs ) No.

No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.

In fact, we in America are also famous for our sense of humor.

Yes.

But seriously, I'm so pleased about the agreement that we were able to sign today.

Ah, Danteeksi.

Anteeksi... in Finnish it means I'm sorry.

But the press have added "Da"...

"D"...

Oh, no.

To make Danteeksi. Do you get it?

Very amusing.

You know the Finns are known for their sense of humor.

Clearly, yeah.

Danteeksi, I need to apologize to you in advance because I think that this is going to be.

"The Never Ending Sorry."

( Laughing )

Yes!

As opposed to "story."

Yes.

Yes.

( Both laughing )

It's a wonderful country.


( Phone rings )

Sue: Good evening. Office of the Vice President.

Kent: It's 2:00 P.M., Sue.

Are you on antipsychotics or in Helsinki?

I need you to engorge the VP's schedule.

I want her charming the Helsinki people.

You want me to pad the veep's schedule?

Why, sir?

POTUS wants hands shaken and old women grinned at.

Please accept the necessity of this as brute fact.

Ever since we got here, all I've been doing is apologizing.

Okay? I've been apologizing for cancelling events, then apologizing for putting them back on.

Then apologizing for apologizing.

I mean, I'm a f*cking laughingstock.

If you burst into tears, stay away from this dress.

( Phone rings )

Mike.

Amy, remember how we said that none of the students was a spy because if one of them was a spy, it would have endangered the lives of the other three who were not spies?

Turns out one of them was a spy.

Everything okay?

Osmo: Hey, Danteeksi.

( Laughs )

Mike: Amy? Hello?

You still there?

f*cking prick.

Um, the president told the veep that was bullshit and she is on record saying that's bullshit.

Just keep her away from the press.

She's already on lockdown 'cause of the song.

Shall I put her in an iron mask?

Yeah, great idea.

Would you be offended if I just had a quick word with the finance minister?

Oh, no, not at all.

Minna.

Your wife is so lovely.

Yes, I'm quite a fortunate man.

Well, you are. What a lovely thing to say.

I'm dying for a smoke.

Oh, yeah. Boy, tell me about it.

I could use a cigarette myself. Mm, mm, mm.

I don't suppose that you...

Yes, that would be wonderful.

This is my bag man Gary Walsh.

This is the prime minister's husband.

Osmo Hakki...enenen.

I believe in Finland bag man is kassi.

Yes.

Well, I'll see you outside.

Yes, yes. Thank you very much.

Ooh, that impressed him.

Yeah.

Okay, this is cigarette number six for you.

Okay, you need to calm the f*ck down, Judge Judy.

I've been negotiating my ass off all day.

And it's number five, by the way.

I just want to avoid an incident.

The Finns are very antismoking.

Cool it, kassi.

Mm.

That's a relief.

Yes.

I think it's just wonderful how supportive you are of Minna's career, her job, you know?

Oh, well, it's only the Prime Minister of Finland.

Less power than the Mayor of Cleveland.

( Laughs )

Your Secret Service look about as tough as mine.

Shall we get them to fight?

( Laughs )

Although, seeing as these cigarettes are the thing that's most likely going to kill me, I'm surprised that my Secret S...

Jesus.

Hey. Hey, I got you some breath fresheners.

I got you some Altoids and I got you some gum.

Gary, my boob.

What?

He grabbed it.

What?

I'm the Vice President of the United States of America.

He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.

Mm-mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm gonna go mess him up.

Just let me know.

Selina.

Are you quite feeling all right? You're very pale.

Perhaps you should go to the courtyard, get some fresh air.

No, thank you.

No?

No.

This is Erkki.

He is our head of economic development.

Yes, he has only two anecdotes.

Neither of them is worth hearing.

Hey, ma'am, I just got a text from the White House.

Ah.

Nothing bad, I hope.

Just a major violation of a border.

You get this in a text?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

The only text I get is from my husband saying I am being late home again.

Might want to...

Yeah.

Just breathe. Just breathe.

Just breathe.

Oh, my God.

Did you see?

Oh, my God. How could you not?

Did you see this?

Yes. Yes.

I'm gonna get you some water. He looks like a Disney villain.

( Speaking Finnish )

Jesus, Gary. You look leukemic.

I always do. That's my look.

Yeah, well, you are rocking that look pretty hard tonight, my friend.

Quite a night.

Oh... I'll f*cking say.

Did Gary just text you?

Gary knows?

Yeah.

Jesus, Mike's gone viral.

Mike?

We're talking about...

POTUS lying about the spy.

Osmo groped me.

What?

What?

He what?

He f*cking what?

Did you tell her?

He... he... he told me those rumors weren't true.

Can you believe that monster?

Wait, wait, wait. What happened?

What did you say?

POTUS.

He groped her.

POTUS groped you?

No.

POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me.

He knew and he lied?

Wait, wait, knew what? Lied about what?

POTUS knew that the student was a spy and didn't inform the Congressional Intel Committee.

sh1t! sh1t!

What were you talking about?

Osmo groped me.

sh1t!

We need to rain down the full might of our nuclear arsenal on Finland.

Mm-hmm.

That's the other thing I forgot to tell you.

We're gonna blow up Finland.

Kent: Can I help you?

Ben: Where the f*ck you been?

Don't tell me. You've been polling.

I bet when you take a crap, it actually comes out as a number two.

Listen, we've got to tell the president that he has to admit that this student was a spy.

I'm still collating whether admitting is the best course.

I can't believe you're still checking the f*cking wind direction.

I need more time before the truth can emerge in such a...

Congressman Furlong.

Yeah, the blank looks are not gonna play here.

You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth.

Everybody's talking about it up on the Hill.

I know what I know.

I don't know what you think you know.

Screw you and your Confucius grasshopper bullshit, all right?

Everybody's gonna know. That's just the way these things go.

Now people think POTUS lied about that kid being a spy.

I want to know what you two spunk junkies propose we do about it.

Sorry, Kent, I just had a quick question about...

Oh, do they know? Laurel and Retardy?

Tell you what, Mike. I need you to add these summaries to the rollout overview. Okay? Go.

Oh, round two.

Well...

Senator Doyle.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Well, I hope I get my five free punches.

I'm the f*cking chair of Senate Intel, which means that I'm supposed to be informed of any covert action.

We're all on the same team here, right?

Right, Team Fuckup. Yeah, I got my membership card here somewhere.

I can't find it.

You need to look at the bigger picture.

Oh, I've seen the bigger picture.

Shows POTUS lying to the American people.

I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis.

This is at least 10 years of Oliver Stone movies.

Yeah, not the good ones. Not "Platoon."

Doyle: What the f*ck is wrong with you, Kent?

Seriously, when you pulled the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away.

You don't stick it up your own freakin' ass.

That I'd like to see.

I need a cigarette.

Oh, God.

No, not "Oh, God." Just get me the goddamn cigarette.

The president, the one I support, the one that I am loyal to as my job, lies to me.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, after I apologized for apologizing, I started to put meet-the-people events back in your schedule.

Cancel them all and apologize for cancelling.

Oh, Jesus, more apologizing? Really?

I apologized less after I banged my brother's fiancée.

What are you bitching about? Are you kidding?

I'm the one who's under pressure. Get it together, lady.

What about the grope? I mean, come on.

Thank you.

That is an attack on America.

All right? That's like a sexual 9/11 in my opinion.

Or a sexual Cuban Missile Crisis at the least.

It's not like we can go public about the grope.

It would define you.

Right.

Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for.

Yeah.

You can't build a statue on that.

That's right. Nobody can know about this.

All right? Especially Kent.

Oh, yeah.

And why is that? Because he's gonna use it against me.

A grope matrix.

Right.

Because he's a man.

Because this is a man's world that we live in.

Because of the axis of dick.

( Sirens blaring )

This fish is delicious.

What is this fish?

It is chicken.

The breast?

Yes.

In America we actually call fish chicken of the sea.

I love fish.

Some men do not like the taste.

I do.

( Cutlery clatters )

Thank you. Oh, Madam Prime Minister, I don't believe I've had a chance to introduce you to Gary Walsh.

No. No, you have not.

I'm the VP's bag man, which I believe in Finland you say kassi.

Excuse me?

I'm a kassi.

( All laughing )

Where did you get this translation from?

I have a Finnish friend in DC who works at the embassy and she gave me lessons before I came.

You see, kassi is bag, but it's not bag man.

It is a man bag. You know, rrr.

It is a container.

It is a testicle container.

( All laughing )

Oh, no. Don't feel ashamed, Gary.

Because, of course, you're not a ball sack.

And not everyone can say that they're not... excuse me, I'm so sorry... a ball sack.

Not even everyone at this very table.

Kent wants me to add these regional summaries from the thumb drive. All right, how do you add?

Command A, hombre.

I always thought it was control A.

Okay, here we go. Send.

sh1t, maybe it was control A.

I think you might have selected all and sent everything that was on that thumb drive.

That's what you told me to do.

No, I didn't.

You said command A.

No, I said control A.

You just couldn't hear me because you didn't have your ear trumpet.

I feel like I want to burn this thing. Can I burn this computer?

Why would you burn that, Mike?

Mike? Excuse me.

What's up?

We just sent out Kent's polling consultation on the spy.

What spy?

One of the hostages was a spy.

Oh, f*ck you, Mike.

You're career poison. Do you know that?

Jesus, that's why you like sailing, because you're a f*cking anchor dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the f*cking ocean.

Stop it. This was just phase one stuff.

Sample questions like, "What if the president lied?"

But not that. That sounds bad.

It was more coded, which still is bad.

Yeah.

I mean, it would have gotten out anyway, right?

Um...

This is the Internet age.

Nothing stays a secret.

Yeah, yeah, and it's DC.

It's DC. Everybody here talks.

Yeah, look, all we got to do is stay calm.

We just got to stay calm.

Keep walking, avoid any...

It doesn't work like that. Mike, hold up.

If you'd see the way I framed the question, you'd understand that.

Well, tell that to Oprah when you mount your comeback.

I mean, you sent it to me and every second bozo in the building.

No, I didn't.

What the f*ck were you thinking?

Look, you marked it highly confidential, thereby guaranteeing that this thing is gonna go viral.

Uh, the vice president was groped by the Finnish prime minister's husband.

What? Why are you telling me that?

That's just weird.

Yeah, that's really unfortunate.

Was that up in the hills or down in the valley?

Sir, I was thinking the Eye of Sauron, you know?

Keep the focus on Helsinki.

Sailing.

Well, congratulations, Kent.

You just brought down this presidency.

Well, the weather here in Helsinki has been... hellishly cold.

Kent's polling data got e-mailed.

POTUS's spy lie just went public.

Okay, we're pulling out. Let's go, shortest Q&A ever.

Danteeksi! Danteeksi!

Guys, okay, we've got some weather to contend with, so we only have time for three questions.

You will be hearing from me.

Yes? Yes?

Yes. Yes.

Good-bye.

Good-bye. Oh!

Two more questions.

Was the visit about the agreement or the song?

We are very pleased about the agreement and we are agreed on that.

And that was actually two questions, so I'm afraid we've got to go.

Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny.

We waterboard folks who haven't even done anything.

And you raped my tit.

Oh...

Oh, yeah, you did.

So I'm coming for you

'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now... and you're a pig.

British reporter: Selina! Selina!

Thank you.

Are you going to apologize for the spy?

Did the president know that one of the hostages was CIA?

Did you know?

I stand with the president.

( Groans )

I stand with the president?

Why did I say that?

Can we pretend you didn't say it?

What will people think I mean?

That you stand with the president.

I mean, there's not a ton of ambiguity with that one.

Well, who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen in my day, huh?

That's something for the memoirs.

I am never going back there.

Selina: Yeah.

Danteeksi?

I'm sorry. Sorry I ever set foot in that f*cking fish-eating, indie film f*cking hellhole.

Oh, come on. Get over it.

I told everybody I was a scrotum.

Yeah, you did, didn't you?

It's okay.

Did you hear that?

He's not.

Ma'am, are you okay?

I don't know. I guess so. Sure.

No.

I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes?

I wouldn't know.

( Coughing )

Why are you coughing, ma'am?

Because I caught a cold.

Oh, look, I just found out who that British reporter is.

The creepy guy. He was like a noisy f*cking ghost, really.

What's his name? I'll Google him.

Dave Wickford.

Dave Wickford.

Yeah, it says divorced twice, no kids.

57 Twitter followers.

That's sh1t for a journalist.

Gary: Yeah.

Selina: Europe used to be my favorite continent.

Now it's not even in my top five.

( Gary laughs )