02x06 - Andrew

( theme music playing )

So, incorruptible tribunes of the free press, please enjoy this Finnish breakfast.

As you know, the vice president recently signed an historic software agreement with Finland.

Wasn't her trip to Europe overshadowed by the song?

You know, the one where she mocked Europeans?

Mike: She wasn't mocking Europeans.

I would say the song was jesty.


But more importantly, right now the vice president is meeting with the House Majority Leader Mary King.

And they are brokering a debt reduction deal that's going to avert a government shutdown.

Selina Meyer's becoming one of the most effective American vice presidents in history.

She was crucial in the freeing of the Uzbekistan hostages.



The software--

Did she know that one of the hostages was a spy endangering the other three students?

Um... possibly not quite at the time.

So all this stuff she's been saying about being a crucial part of the military rescue is a lie.

Okay, slow down, Leon. Is your blood sugar off?

( laughs ) Have a pastry or some herring, okay?

Answer the question.

I don't know what she knew or when she knew it, Leon.

Mike, Mike.

Either she knew that the student was a spy and lied when she denied it, or she didn't know that he was a spy, but lied about knowing the details of the military rescue.

This isn't "Meyer the Liar" again.

Well, it is now.

This isn't going to be a cakewalk, Selina.


This one's the hard bargaining.

Don't you worry. I know how to haggle.

You betcha.

( both laugh )

How are your boys?

They're great.

How's Catherine?

She's 21.

That's great.

Yeah, we're having her party tonight.

So I'm excited about that.


Yeah. You know, all you ever want for these kids is to be happy and healthy.

Right. You bet.

And stay out of Middle East politics.

So two out of three ain't bad. ( laughs )

I'm amazed you can laugh about that.

Yes, that's what I do. I'm laughing about it.

She has that boyfriend.

You think that's going to actually lead to a marriage?

Should we get going... with this business at hand?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder how it's going in there.

It's like waiting for a biopsy result.

Mary's a player.

She did own Brian Earl in negotiations by pretending to faint.

So after Catherine's birthday party tonight, you want to grab a bite?

Talk about Helsinki, strategize a little bit?

I have a date for tonight.

( chuckles ) Yeah.


Who is it?


Ooh, and what does Ed do?

Ed Webster is a fund-raiser for the party and he's worked for Selina for the past five years.


Cracked under the questioning.

He's one of Selina's guys?

You swore you were only gonna date outside DC.

He's not in DC. He works in Boston.

Well, my mom doesn't live in Rome, but she's still a f*cking Catholic.

Are you getting worked up, Danny?

Shut the f*ck up, Gary.

I'm so happy you're happy for me, Dan.

Oh, what do you want, a f*cking cake?

Look, I can be happy. See?

There you go.

The only real cut here is unemployment insurance.

Mary, POTUS is not gonna make any cuts to unemployment insurance and you know that.

Do I need to explain to you how haggling works?

How about a 10% cut to NIH, okay?

I need 20.

I can't do those numbers.

That's not gonna work.

( sneezes )

God bless you.

Thank you.

Then the only obvious solution is unemployment insurance.

( sneezes )

No, I told you. I can't do that.

( snorts )

What are you doing?


( chuckles )

You stalling for time?

( sneezes )

Let me get you a Kleenex, yeah?

I think it's over. Sneezes always come in threes.

Have you ever noticed that?

Really? Is that so?

( sneezes )

Oh, well, that was a fourth.

So maybe I need to tell you about how counting works, right?

( laughing ) All right.

Mary: Okay.

We can raise fees...

The what?

...on Indian Health Services.

Hmm? You gonna faint?

I'm not-- oh, very funny.

Do you want water?


I'll get you some water.

( coughing )

I'm gonna get you water.


How's it going, ma'am?

Wow, you're really hardballing her, huh?

No, she's pretending to cough herself inside out.

Could you get her some water, please?

I don't know what--

( Mary coughing, gasping )

Ooh! Oh, my God! Mary, are you all right?

I think I'm having an allergic reaction.

What are you allergic to?

Is there cat hair?

I have cats.

Oh, Gary has cats.

Wait, Gary, Gary, Gary. We need the water.

Yeah, there you go. Is it this mohair?

It might be the mohair.

Do you think?

No, she's been here--

The nuts? Is it the nuts?

Did you eat nuts? No?


Is it the flowers?


The ones I got for Catherine's birthday.

Oh, Christ! Those fuckers!

That's it.

sh1t, okay. All right, sorry.

Oh, God.

Gary, deflower the room.

There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.

I'm not good for another four hours.

Selina, we've got to take this up tonight.

Mary, I've got my daughter's 21st birthday.

Don't go.

I can't not go to her--

Would you miss your son's Civil Union ceremony?

I did.


( coughing )

Well, then, you have to come to Catherine's.

We've got to finish this tonight.

Yes, we do, tonight.

Come. You can bring a plus one.

( hacking )

Stick a coat and tie on a f*cking oxygen tank.

Mike, Leon West called my line twice.

Did you lose your phone again?

No, Leon's a little skeptical about the whole spy thing and some dumbass is resurrecting Meyer the Liar.

Ugh, just because my last name rhymes with liar.

How lucky am I that I'm not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?

I just saw Mary King. Looked like she's been thrown up by a whale.

Yeah, she had an allergy attack.

So did you do the deal? Tell me you did the deal.

I'm gonna finish it tonight. She's coming to Catherine's birthday party.

Jesus. You know, if we don't get this done by midnight, we're all gonna turn into ugly sisters and get eaten by wolves or whatever the f*ck happens at the end of that story.

Sonic boom in the room. Ma'am.


Oh, okay.

Well, POTUS wanted me to come down here and peep the skinny on the debt negotiations.

Okay, that's a fire hazard, so let's just...

Gary, I have been sent here from the president.

Okay, so the president's already going through a lot of pressure about this hostage lying bullshit.

He's under pressure?


I'm under pressure.

Well, you do have a choice.

You could say you were out of the loop for the hostage rescue, which would make you look clueless, or you could say you were in the loop, which would make you look devious.

Either way, just blur the f*ck out of it.

( sighs ) Uh-huh.

Oh, f*ck.


Anything that I should--

Sue: Amy, Ed Webster is here to see you.

I think he's nervous. His voice sounded clammy.

Oh, okay. That's good. That's good.

Sue: Look at you all flustered.

It's good that you'll have s*x soon.

Okay, guys, we need to prep two press releases for the end of the Mary King talks at the party tonight.

Okay, version one-- Selina Meyer ends fiscal deadlock, saves America.

Version two-- Mary King steals peace pipe, breaks it in half, sh1ts all over it.

Ma'am, your ex-husband just called.

He says that he wants to pick up Catherine.

No, I have a car picking her up already. I arranged that.

He is such a conniving, grabby prick.

Is it typical or what?

Amy: Unbelievable.

Just wrong.

I hate him so much.

Sorry, can I ask why?

Selina: This'll explain it perfectly.

Valentine's Day a couple years ago, he gave me a black Porsche...

Oh. that he bought with Catherine's trust fund money.


I mean, he just fluffs ya, and then he f*cks ya.

Yeah. Well, speaking of...

Oh, yeah, that's a perfect example.

Here you go. So, he took me to Cap d'Antibes for the night.

Yeah, they had crazy intercourse.

Only after which he told me that he sold our second home.

Yeah, yeah. He's like a belly dancer with a hammer.

Mike: That would hurt.

You know what? I'm not worried about Andy because I'm gonna completely obliterate him with my f*cking poise and sophistication.

You know what I mean?

Gary: God, did you hear that?

Amy: Yeah, yeah.

She's calling him Andy instead of Andrew.

It's starting.


Every time Andy's on the scene, she gets all...


She's-- this terrible laugh.

She's like... ( giggles )

Yeah, exactly.

With a... ( giggles )

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

She just said that she hates him.

She does.

But every time she gets around him...

It's so weird. It's like a cat on a hot tin dog.

Selina: Gary.


You know my red thing?


Do you think that it shows enough skin?



I'm gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence.

And you know what? That's a very f*cking tough look to pull off.

Don't you think?

Okay, you can't wear a bra with that one.

Yeah, I know.




Hey, Ed. How are--

Amy: So you all ready for the party?

Um, fair warning, I party pretty hard.

You should see me dance.

I can't be controlled.


I do a lot of pelvic thrusts.


Just very localized dancing.

Very small orbits.

( laughs )

I've been wrecking parties since I was 13.

I was like the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs.

Hey, is the vice president here?

I didn't want it to seem like I was lurking.

Yeah, yeah. No, you're not.

She'll be thrilled to see you again.

Madam Vice President.

Uh... hello?





You know Ed.


Oh, yes! Oh, yes, of course. Oh, no.

We-- we-- we-- we-- we met in... in Bumfuck, Idaho, I think it was.


Yes, yes.

That's what I like to call DC as a joke.

Oh. ( chuckles )


Great. Great.

I'll see you again soon, ma'am.


We're meeting there, yeah? Okay.

Right. Bye.

Hey, buddy, don't worry that she didn't remember you, okay?

It's only 'cause you're a nonentity.

Who is he?

That was-- that's Ed Webster.

He's my date for tonight. He runs your PAC's Boston office.


He's really connected.

Lobbyist turned fundraiser.

Not the guy at a bus station with a bucket, right?

Okay, I am ready to take on Andrew.

I need my happy pills, a little bit of joy.

( sirens blaring )

( music playing )

Selina: So what do you think? Do you like it?

Yeah, it's-- it's unreal, Mom.


I mean, don't you think that you and your friends would call this whole thing an epic succeed?

Something like that, yeah.

Ah, there's your dad doing that thing that he does.

Pleasantly talking to other people?

You know what he does.

He remembers one little thing about each person.

Lawrence, nice to see you. You still running marathons?

Yes, sir.

Right, surprised you still got any nipples left.

And Jenny. Nice to see you.

Remember that one time when you said you were way into "Twilight" and I thought you meant the time of day?

( laughs ) It really is the most dangerous time for traffic, though.

Please, enjoy yourselves.



How are you?

Wonderful to see you, Congresswoman.

Mom, you've invited the House Majority Leader to my birthday party?

Yeah, sweetheart, it's the 100 billion cutoff.

You've heard about that?

Of course I've heard about that.

Okay, so we are fixing the biggest problem facing the world right here, right now at your party.

So that's kind of cool, don't you think?


Oh, hi.

I got you a glass of champagne.

Thank you, Rahim. You drink alcohol?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.



What did he just say?

I don't know.

Some gibberish. I can't understand him.

Hey, baby, once you've said hello to everyone, do you want to go clubbing?

Yeah. Anywhere but here.

Ben, what are you doing here?

I spoke to POTUS.


And he said okay on the cut to unemployment benefits.

All the other deals are done.

So come on, let's get this tied up so we can get this party started.

Yeah, I-- what did you do?

You plus 10'd yourself here?

Number crunchers to help you finish the deal.


And one of them is a designated driver because I am going to get f*cked up.

( music playing )

You look so good, you're like a work of art.

You make this stuff look like sh1t.

Compared to you, that Monet is a piece of sh1t.

Selina, are you ready?

Give me five minutes.

I just got to go talk to Andrew, okay?

The ex? Three minutes.

What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.

I'll cut her off at three, okay?


Hi, Selina.

Hi, Andrew.

It's nice to see you greeting everybody here at the party as if it was your own fabulous party.

Are you f*cking with me?

I might be.

All right.

( laughs )

You look wonderful.

Thank you very much.

You're very tanned. What is that?

Grand Cayman. I've been starting to scuba dive.


Magical to be down there.


With the coral and the fish.

Feeling up all the mermaids.

They should cover up if they don't want it.

( laughing )

If they don't want action, they shouldn't advertise.

Oh, gosh.

Our little Catherine.

Selina: She's still cute.

Andrew: Mm-hmm.

Remember that first apartment?

Yeah, I do remember that apartment.

That was a nice apartment, actually.

It was.


What are you doing? Are you gonna propose?

What would your answer be?

( laughs ) My answer would be Jesus f*cking Christ.

Uh, ma'am. Mary King is very anxious to speak with you.

Oh, right. Right.

At Catherine's birthday?

Well, I'm trying to keep the government from shutting down.

Well, get on it.

I'm getting on it.

Yeah, okay.

Did you see that? I had him in the palm of my hand.

Well, technically, ma'am, he had the palm of your hand in his hand.


You need to be really careful, sweetie.

Gary, you just called me sweetie.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

That's what I call Dana.

Did you ever call Dana ma'am?

I did once and it was awful.

If I were drunk right now, would you kiss me?


No, Gary, I'm kidding.



I'm gonna get a drink.


Dj: Okay!

It's time to drop a party bomb up in here.

Happy 21st birthday, Catherine!

( cheering )

( music blaring )

I want to talk to you about targeted base closings.

Not if it upsets my district.

Something s*x my dick trick?

Did you say dick?

s*x your dick trick.

I don't understand what you just said.

It was funny. We got to get out of here.

All right. Where?

I don't know. We'll find someplace.

You know, you look great in an art gallery 'cause you kind of are a work of art.

I mean, I know I'd like to nail you up against a wall.

No, that was knowing. I was being knowing.

It looks like we're gonna be able to move on unemployment.

Unemployment benefits?


On the table?


Okay, I'm authorized to come down on OSHA from 25 to 17.

No, I need a single digit.

I can't give you a single digit.

( girls shouting )

We'd have to make it up elsewhere and you know you can't do that.

And we are gonna make it up elsewhere. Hang on just a second.

Hey, gals. Gals, you need to keep it down, okay?

There are other people in here trying to have a conversation.

But she took my boyfriend's number!

Oh, my God.

He gave it to me!

You haven't given me a number on unemployment benefits.

My number's gonna be .4%.



I can't--

I can't do this. Let's go.


I can't do math with this kind of noise.

I cannot stand teenage girls.

Were you ever one?


Me neither.

Amy and Ed work for the VP, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

f*ck off, Mike.


Hey, the veep looks smoking tonight.

I wonder how much vodka we'd need to have to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment.

That is extremely disrespectful.

What are you talking about?

That's like the highest compliment you can give somebody.

Oh, by the way, I love how much you guys being together is f*cking with Dan.

Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.

Yeah, thanks for the backgrounding, Jonah.

Does that mean you're back on the market?

I'm sorry, are you hitting on my date during my date?

Are you on meds?

Yeah, antibiotics. Just keeping fresh.

I'm not mentally ill if that's what you're implying.

( music playing )

Uh, hello? Hi.

( music stops )

Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say a couple of words to my awesome daughter.

( cheering )

You know, I wanted to pause and just say that I think at times like these it is great to see family and friends and to hear family and friends.

To be able to talk and to listen and to speak and to be heard.

And I think sometimes we need to just take time.

Not long at all. I mean, maybe 10 minutes or-- okay, or maybe 15 is also good.

I'm gonna suggest that we have a little constructive talking time.

So do you have any sort of chillaxing kind of music?

And then you keep that playing until-- ( music playing ) only until-- look at me-- I give you a signal.

Not before.


Ooh, and happy birthday, Catherine!

( cheering )

All right.

If you can give me 1% on unemployment benefits...


I can go 10 on NIH, eight off agricultural subsidies.

The baseline is your budget proposal from last year.

Right. Okay.

Okay, those numbers add up?

I make it 10.


12? How'd you get that?

You're forgetting energy.

Of course.

Check this out, then. Do we have a deal?

Man: Okay, yeah, great.

Yeah, we have a deal.


It nearly killed me, but we have a deal.

Put 'er there.

Put 'er there.


I can't believe it.

Isn't that--

I can't believe it, Mary. That's so great.

It's good. Now I have to sell it to my caucus before I turn into a pumpkin.

You'll do it.

Yeah. Oh, God.

Jesus, 21-year-olds move fast.

Yeah, tell me about it.

You look good, ma'am.

Oh, thanks, Jonah.

You look really good.

Thank you.

Yes, ma'am.

Have you guys seen this?

"When the cake was cut and the guests sang 'Happy Birthday, ' the VP was nowhere to be seen."

They're saying I had some sort of huge fight with Andrew and that our relationship is a sham.

Monsters. It's like first Princess Diana, now this.

They think that at the beginning of the night you and Andrew were playing it up to the cameras.

And they're using this Meyer the Liar bullshit again.

Hey, Mike, who dug that up?

I don't know. Probably just some idiot remembered it and then all of a sudden it got traction.

And this is from "HuffPo."

Randall Howard's forthcoming book claims your relationship with Andrew during the presidential campaign was a lie invented by you to mislead voters.

That's a lie, right?


I mean, it's true and it's what happened, but it's Kent's lie.

It's not my lie.


Meyer the Liar has huge mo right now.

You know, as people say, if it rhymes, it chimes.

Who says that? No one says that.

I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.

Well, it's becoming a narrative right now.

And the narrative is that you faked it before, so you must be faking it now.

Oh, great. Here's Eeyore.

Deal, boom. Party, boom.

You are the boom boom veep.

Well, Catherine didn't appreciate the fiscal party crashers last night.

Andy and I have to take her out to dinner tonight to make up for the party last night, so...

Okay, it'll be in public.

So whatever you do, don't look like you're faking it because this Meyer the Liar thing is just an avalanche of sh1t right now.

Yeah, tell me about it. And I'm swimming in it and I'm breathing it in through my snorkel.

You need to issue a statement, okay?

My private life is private.


Besides, Andrew and I, we get along just fine.

Ironically, Ben, we actually are getting along just fine.

That's great. That's a great fake.

No, it's not a fake. That's a real thing.

Oh. Well, great. Say that.

Selina: I'm so sorry.

That party last night turned into an economic summit.

But you know what? Here we are now for you.

Happy birthday.

And to you, a man who swims with sharks.

Also starting free diving.

Really? What is that?

Is that when you try and hold your breath for as long as possible?

Kind of like sitting next to my mother after Thanksgiving dinner.

( laughing )

Mom, you're doing your fake laugh again.


Come on, this is nice.

I can't tell if it's fake.

You could never tell if it was fake.

Yes, I could.

Mm-hmm. What are you, some sort of expert?

In certain areas.

What is going on right now?

Andrew: This is flirting.

Your mother is an excellent flirt.

You should take flirting notes.

This is not flirting.

This is like as subtle as putting a nude photo on Facebook.

Do you think Selina would notice the invisible man from the Boston PAC office if I showed up at the office in a Pac-Man costume?

I know, I'm sorry.

Ed: I'm sorry, why are you sorry?

I don't know.

I heard whining and I assumed I needed to apologize.

How long have you not been listening to me?

I just really need to watch this because Andrew is like a dormant volcano and he can just blow at any second.

I think I'm gonna have the scallops.

I think I'm gonna have--

I know what you're gonna have.

You are going to have--

Don't do that.


Put your hand down.

I can't stand that alpha male arrogant thing.

I really can't stand it, Andrew.

Okay, it's not arrogant.

And f*ck you for thinking so.

Forgive me, I was just anticipating your order.

Which was?

Lamb cutlets.


Yeah. I'm sorry I know you, Selina.

Forgive me. You're not a big mystery to me.

And I'm very much enjoying the plastered-on smile, pretending everything's okay because people are watching.

Don't be a b*st*rd, Andrew.

You've got to do the same face.

You put it on, too. There we go.

Okay, well, now this flirting is a little bit more subtle.

So, Ed. Eddie.

Who do you know? Do you know Ray McCaskill?

Yeah, he's a great guy.

We both are really into '80s buddy comedies, which is ironically how we became buddies.

f*ck buddies.

Jonah, why are you here?

You really don't have anything to do, do you?

Look, ignore him.

Ignore who?

Hey, I think that lady right there just took a photo of Selina.

This one?

I understand that you guys have a love-hate relationship, but most people alternate emotions.

They don't experience them at the same time.

We've always had a volatile relationship.

By that you mean bat sh1t crazy.

Passion was always an integral part.

Selina: Yeah.

Yes, there was fights. Long, hard fights.

Followed by long, hard... making up, right?

Okay, I feel like you're actually going to have s*x on this table and that would truly ruin my birthday.

Catherine, please. Nobody's having s*x on the table.

( laughing )

I mean, we are sexual beings, of course.

Oh, my God.

We had s*x. We, you know--

I mean, great s*x.

Great s*x.

Well, I'm going to have to text my therapist.

What's the whole not drinking thing?

I'm a Quaker.


Bullshit. No one's a f*cking Quaker.

You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game.

Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch.

That's my credo.

I got that sh1t tattooed on my dick with room to spare.

Jonah, you're not even a man.

You're like an early draft of a man where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self-respect.

You're Frankenstein's monster if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Just try not to embarrass yourselves while I'm gone.

( chuckles )

We'll give it a shot.

Nice to see you.

Um, I'm sorry.

Can I interrupt a second?

Uh, no.

It just looks like there's a lot of people who are tweeting and taking pictures, so you might want to be gesture-aware.

It's fine. Thank you. You can go.


Yeah, okay.

I want to tell you something.


Um, the head of PR told me that our company funded super PACs on both sides during the last election.

I just was fluffed and then I got f*cked.

I cannot believe what you are telling me.

Do you know-- smile.

Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger.

There you go.

Do you have any idea how the press is all over me right now?

And how they are gonna run with the story about me funding my opponent?

You're a stupid f*cking prick.

Right? You say it.

I'm not gonna say that.

Okay, what happened now?

You guys look like you're going to stab each other with steak knives.

We're having a fight and we are smiling and putting a face on and you can do that, too. There you go.

Selina, this is just business.

We want to end up with the winner at the end.

There's nothing personal about it, I promise.

I didn't even know about it.

( chuckles ) Oh, that's utter bullshit.

But you know what? I'm keeping it together.

I really am. It's all good.

We can keep smiling.

Keep smiling. Yeah.

I think that if you guys continue to smile, you're actually gonna get permanent lockjaw.

( laughs ) She's so funny.

Isn't she?


I'm sorry to interrupt. I just had a call from Kent.

Oh, to congratulate me 'cause I made the deal last night.

America thanks you.

You're welcome.

POTUS is going to stall on that deal.

No, no, no. Why would he want to do that? That can't be right.

Well, it sounds to me like he wants a government shutdown so he can blame it on Congress and take the heat out of the spy story.

Did you hear that?


f*ck POTUS. Right? And f*ck Kent.

They're just a bunch of fuckers.


No, no, no.

Did they just get that? Me being angry?

Oh, yeah.

But I wasn't being angry with you.

I mean, I was angry with you before, but I'm not angry with you now.

I understand that, honey.

Don't call me honey for starters.

You have to calm down. You look crazed.

Can we confiscate that phone, please?

I wish we could.

I think it's too late.

Excuse me.

There's a picture on Twitter and it looks like you guys are fighting.

What? From that?


Look at this. Look. This is not what it is.

I'm pointing to you because I'm mad about POTUS.

I wasn't saying that I was angry to you about you.

Okay, Lee, you're just making it worse.

I'm not making it worse. They're making it worse.

Dad, don't do that thing.

Would you just cut that out?

Gary: Everybody sing.

Nope, nope, nope. We have to go.

Okay. Okay.

Blow out your candles, honey.

What's the point?

Okay, I'll do it.

Amy: Make a wish.

There, it's out.

You can make your wish in the car.

All right. All right.

Selina: Get all my stuff.

Oh, no, that's fine. I'll get your stuff.

Okay, happy birthday.

This is good here.

I'll get out.

What? You're getting out here?


What are you talking about?

I've got to go.

Wait a minute.

Wait. Andrew, wait. Wait. We need to talk.

Bye, honey. Happy birthday.

Wait, what?

God damn it.

What are you doing running away?

Selina: I cannot believe you.

Andrew: Come here.

Oh, my God, what are you doing?

Come here right now.

Selina: What are you doing? Oh!

( kissing )

Oh, my God.

Mike: Hey, Catherine.

Pretty nice cake you got there.

You gonna eat all of it?

Do you want a piece?

I do.

You want a piece of the cake?

Jesus f*cking Christ. Here.

Take that.

Carrot cake's good.

You want to try it?


It's all yours.

I can use my phone to cut it.