02x07 - Shutdown

( Gary groans )

God, that is really bad.

Can't we get this sh1t out of here?

Not until the shutdown is over.

The garbage collection is suspended...

( Bags rustle )

( Shrieks )

Wait, what?

( Scoffs )

Did I hear the VP scream?

No, that was me. And it was a shout.

There was a rat on the garbage, so I shouted to scare it off.

That was a man's voice?

Yeah, 'cause I'm a man.

I have a man's voice.

Yeah, that's right. Walk away.

Walk away.

( Chuckles )

( Theme music playing )

Gary: I swear to God, it was massive.

It was like a pony.

Squeak, squeak.

God! Stop! That's not cool.

Okay, guys, I'm not gonna drag this out.

We're in shutdown mode.

I've got to have a skeleton staff.

So Keith stays, right?


Keith. He's skinny like a skeleton.

Ma'am, please. I can't afford to be furloughed.

No, you're not. But, Dan, you are.


Yeah, you know, you two do similar jobs.

It just makes economic sense for you to go, Dan.

Does that mean he makes more money than I do?

Selina: Anyway, the deal is it's not going to be long because I've got a meeting with the Speaker today.

Is that correct?

Today, yes.

So I'm gonna shut down the shutdown.

Gary: It looks like it's between you and me.

Without me, this office will implode.

Gary, the Secret Service is calling you Girly Shirley Temple.

So you need to just cut...



You're going home.


Yeah, I'm sorry.


I need a moment. ( Crying )

Oh, man, that's tough.

Oh, my God. I feel so bad for her.

Come on, she had to go.

Poor Sue.

Poor Sue.

I guess I'll be heading out.

Okay. I need to remind you you cannot make work-related contact with anyone from this administration and you're forbidden by law from entering the West Wing or EEOB.

Actually, you did not need to remind me of that.

I know, but I wanted to.


Wow, he's taking that well.

He's like Spock. He doesn't show his emotions.




No, not even then.

You're kidding me.

I saw him laugh once really hard when the security guy fell off his Segway.

Is laughter an emotion?

Full day spa package.

No, I think you'll find it is possible.

Sue Wilson.

Valued and, if need be, aggressive client.

Can you set up a lunch with him? Great.

No, no, no. Just browsing the store of life.

Section marked "what if."

No, no, network the bejesus...

Network the bejesus out of me.

I want people to be sick of the sight of my face.

Very funny, Carl.

Gary, I don't know how to do that.

Oh, ma'am. Oh, oh, oh. Sorry.

Andrew donating to both parties is all over the blogs.

Who the hell keeps stirring the sh1t pot?

Both: Roger Furlong.

Thought that, too. So obvious, Furlong.

Wow, it's like a**l leakage.

The donations, the shitty book about me and Andrew having some sort of fake relationship, the land deal from, like, ages ago.

Somebody bring me the chinless head of Roger Furlong.

Well, in the acknowledgments, the author says...

Why do you have a copy of that?

So I can refute it to people. It's my refuting copy.

Get rid of it. Refuse it.

Okay, look, if the VP did have a window, it'd be a high one and she'd push you out of it.

Ooh, that's very good.

I'm doing my impression of Sue.

Yeah, that's very good.


You're pregnant? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I did not mean that.

Listen, if you call next week, I can probably fit you in, okay?


Jonah: Well, 'ello, governors.

Pickle me eels and tickle me belly 'cause I am off to merry London Town for a right fuckabout, eh?

Innit, though? Huh?

Are you going to the G8 conference in London?

Yes, I am, Gary. Thank you for asking.

Yes, I am.

It is a city where women are literally drunk all day.

And I am going to mind their gaps, my friend.

But I need my passport renewed, so can I speak to the veep?

Why do you need her for that?

Well, cum-for-brains, the government is shut down, so all the passport offices are closed.

So I need Selina to pull some strings for me.

So get Sue.

Where's Sue? Where's Sue?

Who's the new Sue? Me.

Would you like an appointment, Mr. Ryan?

Uh, yes, new Sue, I would like to make an appointment.

Suck it.

Ha ha!

( Amy chuckles )

Chung: Look around you.

People out of work. Garbage in the streets.

Ordinary folks suffering.

Sometimes I feel I don't know my own party.

See, this is the problem with high-definition.

You don't want to see a dick in hi-def.

How can they allow this shutdown to happen?

Do Washington's overpaid lawmakers not care about ordinary people?

What? I'm not overpaid.

I'm independently wealthy. All right? Sorry.

They need to cut a deal and vanquish the stench.

Ma'am, the stench at your home is gone.

Thanks to me.


You know that stinky garbage outside your home?

I, as Sue, had a private company take it away.

What? Why would you do that?

Amy: That was not a good idea, Gary.

That wasn't the reaction I was expecting.

Come on, Gary. Everybody in Garbagetown has to live with the stink except for the...

( feminine British accent ) uppity princess in her perfumed palace.

Is what other people would say.

I'm not saying that. Not me.

Wait a minute, hold on now.

So now some private contractor who has not been vetted could go through all of my trash and put it up on the... on the Internet?

I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to do that.

You've got to go and get the garbage bags back.

Okay. Yes, ma'am. Wait, how am I gonna know which bags are yours?

Do you want to let me know some of the things that are in the bags?

Ahem, can I just... can I talk to you privately just for a second?

Yeah, sure.

( Door closes )

What the...?

I don't know.


( Coffee machine beeping )

Selina: Be quick.

Yes, ma'am.

Selina: So me and the Speaker, I think we're gonna end this.

Well, POTUS knows we have to get out of shutdown ASAP.

It's f*cking us all every which way.

Yeah. Speaking of which...


Um, I've been seeing Andrew.

Seeing him?

Like you would see someone for lunch or a game of cards?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, we've been having lunch and then we've been having s*x.

And not really cards so much.

Just, you know, just, like, s*x.

Oh, God, Amy. Can you tell me what to do?



You dump him overboard like the toxic waste he is.

He will kill your career.

Come on, Amy.

It is just so good.

You just have no idea. And it's stress relief.

You know, endorphins.

Okay, then you see... see where it goes.

No, I have to end it.


But I can't.

( Elevator bell dings )

( Doors open )

( Sighs ) I'm glad we talked. On the same page.

I don't actually have to touch the trash, do I?

Yes, you've got to embrace it.

You've got to help me get the garbage, put it in your car.

We'll take it to the residence and I'll help you get a passport.

So you're the guys who want your trash back?

Yeah. Are you Mr. Walker?


Hey, I'm Gary Walsh.

It's a pleasure.

Jonah Ryan. West Wing.


So, our trash?

Your trash?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's mine now.


So what's my end?

Okay, sir, this is a government matter, so it would be best if you cooperated.

Are you threatening me, Pez head?

Because we got a compactor that takes sh1t and turns it into cubes.

Okay. ( Laughs )

Could you just excuse us for one moment? Thank you so much.

( Laughs ) What the hell are you doing?

We have to offer him something.

Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass?

It would throw up some interesting light effects.

That would be romantic, wouldn't it?

It's a shame you're not going to London.

Okay, fine. You know what?

I'm gonna offer him a tour of the West Wing.

Civilians love that sh1t.

They get so hot for it, I call it the Wet Wing.

Okay, that's disrespectful.

It's a building, Gary.

It doesn't have feelings.

It has a spirit.

No, it doesn't. Sir, Mr. Walsh and I would love to offer you a private, exclusive tour of the West Wing of the White House.

Sure, that sounds like fun.


Oh, wait. Did I say fun?

I meant like you think I'm a dick.

( Laughs ) What would you like?

I would like a visit from the vice president.


I'd like to have her take a tour.

I think it'd be good for business.

"Vice president applauds sh1t compaction."

Okay, we can do that. Yeah.

Selina: Boy, I had forgotten how nice this office was, Jim.

It is nice, isn't it?

These chairs are worth a fortune.

Are they?

Uncomfortable as hell, though.

Yeah. Yeah.


Well, people in the old days lived in discomfort most of the time.

Oh, well, that's true.

They were laced into their clothing.

Freezing cold or hot as hell.

Hard chairs and they all stank.

Tough times. Tough times.

Yeah, and I'm just talking about the 1970s.


I'm not. I was thinking of the 18th century.

The wigs, so on.

All right.

So I think we're pretty close on a budget deal here.

I think we just need you to move a scooch more.

Oh, I'm not moving.

You're not moving?

Not with you, ma'am. You have been hung out to dry.

I just got a call from "Politico."

They just did an interview with the president and they called for my reaction.

Just now? What are you talking about?

Do you not know? You haven't. All right.

I have not seen...

I will read the president's words without inflection.

"Slide to unlock."

"Selina Meyer is a feisty operator and a fine VP.

She tried her best to prevent this shutdown, working long hours, but it was a tough call."

Subtext, ma'am... you failed.

And you are being blamed personally for this government shutdown.

Okay, first of all, I did not hear that subtext.

I hear text, and the text that I hear is a feisty and successful VP.

Oh, I don't think he said successful.

Oh, I know he said successful.

Well, that wasn't in those words.

That's what you just read to me.

I'm sorry.

Feel free. Yeah, read it back.

"Selina Meyer is a feisty operator and a fine VP."

No successful.

Fine and successful are synonyms.

You're grasping at straws.

I'm not grasping for straws.

What with this and with all those stories about your ex-husband, there's a lot of poison coming from certain enemy congressmen.

Roger Furlong?

If you say so. It's all beans to me.

Madam Vice President, you have been squeezed out of the budget deal.

It's tough, but I don't care.

Now you see why we have the hard chairs.

Hardly worth you sitting down.

You know, Jim, you're a lot older than me.

If you die within the next six years, I will be attending your funeral and giving a eulogy when POTUS sends me there in his stead.

And it is gonna be full of subtext.

Chock-full of subtext.

Well, I look forward to that. Oh, wait, I'll be dead.

Dan: Honestly, Sidney, I'm looking at being furloughed as an opportunity.

Oh, yeah.

Get out there, touch some bases, face some faces.

So what you're saying is your career has stalled.

So now you and your slack pussy want to make big bucks as an oil lobbyist, right?

Welcome, gentlemen.


Today's specials are the cuttlefish...

Let me stop you right there, sweetheart.

You're gonna pick up the tab, right?

Yes, that's on me.

Great. I'm gonna have the most expensive starter, the most expensive entrée, and a $200 bottle of champagne.

Yes, sir.

You know, I think I'm gonna keep it light.

I'm gonna go chicken salad and a Diet Coke.

Nonsense. Give him exactly what I'm having.

And we will split the champagne.

It's our first date.

My husband was killed 15 yards from a ranger's station.

This is the most fucked-up story.

I mean, killed by a bear?

Reporter: No park rangers on site due to the shutdown.

And a black bear. That's the weird part.

They rarely attack people. That's weird.

Right. That's what I was... then he must have goaded him.

He must have hit him with a stick or done something stupid.

Taunting him or forcing the bear to dance.

Bears don't like to dance.

Would you dance, please?

There's not a happy bear in show business.

Or he tried to f*ck the bear.

Mike: He tried to f*ck...

Like Grizzly Adams.

Amy: Oh, jeez.

Enjoying yourselves?

We were.

Are you laughing at the violent death of a young man?

Yeah, pretty much.

I thought you were on furlough, Kent.

Forgot my noise-cancelling headphones.

Guess what I just heard.

I'm not here. Ergo, my ears aren't here either.

Okay. POTUS's quote in his soon-to-be-released "Politico" interview in which he blames me for the government shutdown.


Exactly. What?

It was implicit.


Implicit like a "kick me" sticker on my keister would be implicit?

Madam Vice President, greatest respect, but it has been the job of the VP over the ages to take it in the ass to save the president.

Yeah, let me tell you something.

This ass is closed for business.

This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy.

Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.

Woman on TV: These powerful men and women, they couldn't agree on anything.

Selina: You've got to be kidding me.

Now I'm to blame because some goober got all eaten up by a bear?

You've got to get your press guys on this, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am, this is in Minnesota, right?

So Governor Chung is gonna be all over this like a bear on an idiot.

Of course. That's right.

At the very least, let's get in front of something and get in touch with this widow.

Yeah. Did you hear that, Mike?


The bear widow. Get in touch with the bear widow.

As well as get in touch with the press guys?

Yeah, as well as get in touch with the press guys.

Two things. Call the "Guinness Book of World Records."

Oh, no, no, don't, don't, because that would be three things.

So you're really not gonna eat that lobster?

Oh, no, I hate lobster.

You know, Dan, we could use you.

How do you feel about swindling a bunch of sister fuckers out of their land in Nebraska?

We're trying to skirt a pipeline through their backyard and they're not a fan for some reason.

You want to get rid of some farm folk, huh?

Consider me your well-groomed dust bowl, my friend.

Hey, ooh! Boy, you made it twitch.

But if you really want to make my dick dance, why don't you tell me what's going on in the VP's office?

Well, you know, I can't really be too specific.

Sure, sure. No, we can... why don't we come up with some kind of code?

Here, the VP will be the lobster.

Amy, greens. We'll call Mike carrots.

Dan, you can be shrimp.

Do you see what I did there, Dan? I made you shrimp.

Boy, I just wish I ordered a plate of useless assholes.

But you go to war with the army you have, right?

Okay, I think the lobster is getting back together with her ex-husband.

The greens are only barely keeping it together.

Mike... the carrots are drowning in debt.

And this little shrimp wants to hear more about this Nebraska deal.

( Laughs ) Want to go to the corn belt, do you?

I want to hit it. I want to hit it hard for you.

Well, tap your ruby slippers together and wake the f*ck up. There is no job, Dorothy.

But I'm very impressed that you would turn on all of your compadres there in the vice president's office.

So why don't you take your little vanilla Thriller dance over to Danny Chung?

He's the shiny turd rising to the top of the bowl right now.

You like turds, don't you, Dan?

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

That's really not what I meant. You misunderstood, honestly.

When I said fault, I meant that it wasn't your husband's fault because bears are naturally hungry.

Does that make sense?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, was that Mrs. Doolittle?



Very emotional.

Well, of course.


What? Oh, Jesus.

All right, Amy, we're gonna have to get Dan to go to Minnesota, do some widow work.

Dan's on furlough.

Yeah, I know he's f*cking furloughed because I'm the fucker who furloughed him.

And by the way, where is Gary?

He's still getting the garbage.

Well, okay, if he's not back soon, we're gonna have to unenfurlough Sue.


we'll have to get Sue back.

Amy: Okay.

Yeah. And I want to meet with Furlong.

It's not happening. I'm not getting in there.


Oh, God!

Oh, please. Please. You think this is bad?

Wait till you get to London. Everything smells like urine.

Even the food.

Okay, found it.

How do you know it's hers?

Shut up. I found it.

Selina: Oh, my God, that pizza was good.

You know, I don't eat pizza very much, Roger.

But when I do, it just makes me so f*cking happy.

Thank the Chinese for that.


The Chinese invented pizza.

No, they didn't.

Yeah, they did.

Listen, Roger, let's talk about all these stories going around about Andrew's land deal and our relationship.

Oh, my God, all these whispers, these rumors.

Who knows where any of that's coming from?

The point is there's boxes and boxes of this stuff out there.

I know that. That's a fact.


That's as much a fact as Will's impotence.

I don't think that's appropriate.

He doesn't mind. Do you, Will?

Whatever works, sir.

Right, see? Team player.


Yeah, I got a pretty impressive deck of cards here, ma'am.

No kidding. I love to play cards.

Do you?


What's your favorite game?


I would have guessed Old Maid.

Want to play Go Fish?


Why don't you lay 'em out?

All right.

Queen. The boxes I just mentioned.


Boxes full of dirt.


Explosive dirt. Hurty dirt.

Yeah, you can start calling me the Hurty Dirty Man.

Yeah, I'm not gonna call you that.

All right.

( Laughs )

I'm not. What's your king?

Could be Chung time.

Everybody Dan Chung tonight.

Danny likes boxes.

And then?

Well, I can't predict the future.

Ooh! ( Laughs )

Roger Furlong, look at you being all coy.

( Laughs )

You are, man.

You're a coy boy. So what?

You'd make some sort of a deal with him? Is that what you're thinking?

For some sort of senior position in his administration?

Stranger things have happened.


Stranger things could happen.



You want to make a deal with me?

Have a place in my future administration?

Wow, that came out of nowhere, didn't it, Will?

It's like a sudden monsoon in Goa, sir.

Sudden monsoon. They predict those things weeks in advance, you idiot.

Hey, did you ever see "Silence of the Lambs"?

Oh, yeah. That scared the living sh1t out of me.

I know, it's hard to believe that they have female FBI agents.


I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

( Laughs ) I love that kind of misogyny.

I love misogyny like that.

Yeah, it's the best kind.

Well, anyway, the point is you got these two characters, right?


That seem to be so different, but they can come to an understanding and they can actually work together.

You know what? You make such a good point.

You make such a good point.

Ahem. Just to be clear, Roger, you're not asking for anything and I'm not agreeing to anything.


Obviously, I can't say anything explicitly.

Neither can you. You understand that?

Will, do I understand?

Yes, you do, sir.

Did you hear what we said, Will?

No, ma'am.

Team player.


I like it.


All right, she's on her way, so we'll just put this in her car.

Did you check the oil?

No. Who the f*ck checks their oil?


( Horn honks )

Oh, hey, Sue's here.

Oh, thank God.

Thanks, Sue.

You're welcome, Gary.

Hi, Shaun.

Hey, gentlemen.

Nice to see you.

Sue, grab a bag.

We're gonna be the shitty Sopranos.

Just don't get any mess on my dress.

My mess on your dress. I like this... sorry.

You're paying to have my car cleaned after this.

Okay, first, no touching. Thank you. And I'm not.

Sue: Okay, come on. Let's get this over with.

Oh, God, there's no way I'm gonna fit in here.

It's bigger than your mother's womb and you were in there till you were 15.

Gary: Oh, my God.

There you go.

Oh, God, I'm touching it.

Gary: Something's wet. Something's wet.

Ugh, okay.

Jonah: It got on my ID badge.

Shaun: Watch your legs, Lurch.

Sue: All right, guys.

Jonah: Who buys a coupe?

Sue: Oh, gross.

People will say he shouldn't have been there.

But he's dead, for God's sake.

I know.

( Crying )

I know. I know. I know.

I keep thinking about his last moments.


Chung: So how is the widow holding up?

She's crying a lot. Like a shitload a lot.

She's upset. Husband eaten, et cetera.

She's a big fan of yours, though. You should talk to her.

I don't know. It could look opportunistic.

But heroes don't get to choose, they get chosen.

Speaking of chosen, how is Dan.com/Egan?

I'm still a fan.

And you should be, Danny.

I'm f*cking awesome.

You are.

Sadly, though, Selina and Kent Davison are blind to my destiny.

See, they're thinking like it's the 1990s.

I'm thinking like it's the 2020s.

You got 20/20 vision, huh?


You like that?

See, I need more of that on my team.

You offering me a job?

I don't have any immediate vacancies, but I will.

In six years' time, you and me, Oval Office ordering a pizza and an air strike.

Thin crust, extra warheads.

Get the Rolling Stones to perform in my f*cking living room.

( Both laugh )

20/20, yo.

( Phone ringing )


Dan, your 15 minutes of furlough are over.

I need you back. To the Bastardmobile.


You know, I didn't realize how good I was at this job until someone else did it so badly.

Different isn't bad.

No, bad is bad.

Okay, so what do we got on the deck for today?

We got that NASA meeting?

No, it looks like the NASA guys had to reschedule.

Aw, crap. I wanted to meet the NASA guys.

Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore.

They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.

So what do we got instead?

You have a visit to the waste management plant in Fairfax.

Okay, I don't know what is the most depressing word in that sentence.

All you got to do is go meet the garbage guys.

You know, make it look like you're getting your hands dirty with the common man.

Get some pictures for the press.

A nice little puff piece. I set it up.

You're furloughed, Mike.

Without pay?

Yeah, that's how it works. Go sign the paperwork on Amy's desk.

Try renting out your f*cking boat.

Ma'am, look, I had no choice in this.

Gary's the one who promised the garbage guy a visit.

Gary wouldn't do something that idiotic, would you, Gary?

Well, under certain circumstances, a garbage service...

Selina: Ah!

Yeah, no, no. I get it.

I understand now.

Yeah. Whew.

Hey, Gary.


You're furloughed.


I'm sorry. I got Sue.

( Sighs ) No.

You got to sign the paperwork on Amy's desk.

( Knocks )


Gary mentioned you might be able to get my passport renewal fast-tracked.

Okay, Gary, get out. Go f*ck yourself, Jonah.

Ma'am, I'm G8 advance team.

Go, period, f*ck, period, yourself, exclamation point.

But, ma'am, I helped with the garbage.

( Quietly ) Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage?

Yeah, I helped with the garbage.

Um, Sue.


Could you get in touch with what's-his-fuck at the State Department?

A doff of the cap to you, my lady.

Amy: Ma'am.


Did you just furlough Gary and Mike when I was in the bathroom?

I did. So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy.



Hey, hey. What have I missed?

She is furloughing indiscriminately into the crowd.

Uh, Amy, a quick word.

Please don't tell me you got it on with the widow.

Tell me honestly. Where do you think Selina's heading?

What's making you doubt her?

Land deal sh1t, fake relationship sh1t, shutdown sh1t.

You left out that she just did a deal with Roger Furlong and is becoming semidependent on antidepressants.

Oh, well, what could possibly go wrong?

Selina: Okay, Sue, let's go.

Ma'am, I am so sorry that I could not get you the widow.

Yeah, that was what I would call a massive fuckup.


Well, the newspapers are suggesting that I am responsible for the grisly death of some idiot.

But I'm on my way to a garbage dump, so that's a positive, right?

Well, that's a good attitude to have.

Amy, why is everybody else in charge of my image except me?

We've got to do something, Amy.


Ma'am, the dump has a contaminated sludge delivery at 10:15, so we have a very limited window.

Okay, I just... I just want to think... we just need to think with our heads for a minute.

Maybe get me on TV?

Well, we don't want to do "First Response" with Janet Ryland or anything, but I mean...

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

That's precisely what I want to do, Dan.


Oh, okay, then, yes. Exactly.

You know what? The more I think about it, she actually might be exactly what we want to do.

She's respected, but she's not dangerous.

She's staid, she's stately.

She's old and cold and I'm warm and...


Young, exactly.

And I'm a mother.

So we should round up Catherine, at gunpoint, if we have to.

And maybe Andrew.


Honestly, all of America will be watching.

If it doesn't land, then this could be the end to this whole adventure.

( Laughs ) Come on. Come on.

Melodrama queen.

Sue: Tick tock, tick tock.

Sludge time.

Yeah. This is gonna be a great idea.

So call "First Response," get this thing underway.

We've got to unenfurlough Mike and Gary.


That's what I just said, Amy.

Okay? So let's just throw as many bodies at this as we can.

That's what we're gonna do.

You may want to wear this mask in case the wind changes.

Oh, really? No, I don't think so.

I think... mm, yeah, okay.

That's not a bad idea, actually.

It's great to meet you, Janine.

Your bravery has been an inspiration for us all.

Now look, ma'am, I've allotted exactly three minutes for small talk, during which...

Okay, thank you, Sue.

Then after that, there's a maximum of 10 minutes for glass...

That's enough, Sue.

There are cameras. There are cameras here.

If there's anything I can do...

It is so nice to hear someone say that.

Chung: If you need it, you got it.

God bless you.

This wildlife in the area, I wonder how it's impacted by this very facility.

We get a lot of rats, if that's what you mean.

Oh, well, that makes sense, doesn't it? Of course, yeah.

And he served in the Coast Guard, is that right?

Yes, sir.

It would have been a mighty privilege to have known him.

And I'm sure you know, Joe, that nationally we spend about $71 per ton of waste on recycling while we spend $86 per ton on collection.

Do you find this divergence troubling?

Ma'am, I-I just shovel it.

I don't account for it.

Okay. ( Chuckles )

This doesn't look great, does it?

Depends on which channel you're watching.

I think we can all learn from the incredible strength you've shown.

Are you married, Joe?


Ah, that's lovely.