03x03 - Alicia

(Siren chirping)

Woman: Is this the last one, 'Leash?

I cannot walk another step with my Louboutin heels.

Humph. Yeah, "Louboutin." Right.

And who wears fake heels at breakfast time?

Dee do.

Jonah: Alicia? Alicia Bryce?

Hey, you're Alicia Bryce, right?

Who wants to know?

Dee: Some curb-crawlin' asshole.

My name's Jonah Ryan.

I'm a reporter. I am straight diggin' your campaign.

Uh-huh. What campaign?

Your child care campaign.

Your "I live three miles from the White House", might as well be three million miles."

All right. I'll talk.

That clown car got a giant clown in it.

Hold up, hold up! Hey there! Alicia, whoa.

My website is Ryantology.net and I'm a storyteller.

And I want to tell real stories about real people, okay?

I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard... or Denzel Washington.

You wanna ask me a question?


"Tell me your story. Question mark."

Okay. I'm a single mom.

Jonah: Mm-hmm.

I have a six-year-old daughter named Halo.

Sometimes when I take her to school, we have some problems...

Jonah: Oh, sh1t.


Excuse me?

Alicia? I'm Amy Brookheimer. We spoke yesterday.

Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Hi!

Hi, Amy. Great seeing you.

You guys know each other?

Jonah: We dated.

Amy: We worked together.

I was kinda Amy's boss at the time. It got complicated.

But she's basically a good kid.

Do you mind, maybe we can...

Go inside?

That's a great idea.

Yeah, that'd be great, let's go inside.

Some other time.

Okay, some other time.

All right.

I'm gonna hold you to that.

Alicia: All right.

I'll see you later.

Jonah: Just sittin' on the co'ner.

Man: What?


Halo, baby, come out here and meet Miss Amy from the vice president's office.

Hello. Do you like Power Rangers?

Okay. Well, you can go back and sit with Grandma, okay?

Well, I'm gonna get right to it.

The veep wants you to be with her when she announces she's running for president.

Oh, my God.

She's a really big fan of yours, Alicia.

Yeah? You hear that?

In fact, right now she is at her desk patiently waiting to speak with you.

Ma'am, outdoors risks rained-on hair and running mascara.

Do you want to look like Alice Cooper?

My second marriage took place in the rain.

You can see my nipples in all the photos.

I'm doing the speech outside, all right?

All great speeches are done outside.

Gettysburg, Mount Sinai... the speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago.

Which was fantastic.

Which was f*cking fantastic.

That was inside, ma'am.

Oh, that was inside.

Ma'am. Ma'am, it's Amy. She sounds uncomfortable.

Like she's with a member of the public.


She's got one of the "normals" here.

Okay, space? We're not going to be dealing with space as an issue in the speech.

Space is bold, but safe at the same time.

There are no votes in space. There's nothing there.

Selina: Hi, Ame.

I'm gonna pass you onto Alicia, ma'am.


Alicia Keys?

Alicia Bryce, that's right, ma'am!

(Whispers) She loves you.

Oh, Alicia Bryce!

She's doing the "Walk To The White House."

I know, right. She wants universal child care, right?

I know who she is.

Child care, exactly.

Amy, put her on. Alicia!

(Yelps) Hi-i-i!

Hi-ii, Madam Vice President.

How are you?

I want you to know universal child care is something I'm going to be passionate about in my campaign.

I can't wait to see you on the special day.

Thank you so much for being a part of all of it.

I'm very honored. Thank you.

Okay. Bye-bye.



I'm in the middle of a lot of sh1t right now, so I'm hanging up.

Yeah, we are delighted too!

Ma'am. Child care?

Children are of no value. Forget child care.

Children are vital, Kenny Rogers.

We're not all planning to die alone like you.

Mike: So you excited to be here?

You bet!

If your girl makes president, you guys double your pay, right?

I don't know. Do we, Amy?

That's not how it works.

The vice president is so happy that we found you, Alicia.

Kent, this is Alicia Bryce, the universal child care lady.



Oh. Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying.

Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.

He thinks you're great. I'm just gonna remind him.

Yeah. Please do, Ame.

Mike, I've been waiting for an hour for excerpts from the speech.

Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers.

Is that what I've been smelling?

I thought maybe it was your panic.

He's kidding. I shower, of course.

And you like to use a lot cologne. Like a lot of cologne.

Axe Body Spray, right, Mike?

Okay, guys?

If we could put Mr. West back in the press area and keep him there? Thank you.

Ms. Bryce?


Sue Wilson.


What does a red sticker mean?

I'm like a target for snipers?

It means you're wearing a red sticker. Follow me, please.

Ma'am, I spoke to Senator Doyle earlier, and he offered his input on configuration of guests.

Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a f*cking Ouija board.

Sue, where's Catherine?

She's late, ma'am.

She better have been in an accident.

Dan, this rewrite kicks balls and ass.

It explains me, it really articulates me.

It's beautifully put together... like me.

It's great. It's locked.

Oh, thank God.

We just have a couple of tweaks.

If you go to paragraph two on page one, that's where you'll see my notes.

I thought you just said it was locked.

Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound.

We just need to nail the wording, okay?



This "Saturday Night Live" shitstorm has just hit nine on the "Sphincter Scale."

The sketch?

Yeah. Three million hits.

Selina: Oh, those sh1t stains.

So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't?


I mean, have a pet is what I meant.

Well, ma'am, in your book, you say that pony grooming taught you about how tough it is for American farmers.

I did say that, 'cause they do.

That's funny!

Why is that funny?

I can't watch it. Did you see it?

Selina: No, I don't watch this show. It's completely juvenile.

(Applause on TV)

Woman: What are you doing, honey?

I'm learning how hard it is to be a farmer.

It's really, really hard!


It's like "SNL" is going back in time and abusing a child.

I'm Selina Meyer, and I approve my pony.

Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.

Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is you own it.

You go on the show, and you own it.

Selina: Are you kidding me, Dan?

If somebody takes a sh1t in your car, what are you gonna do?

You gonna drop your trout and take a crap through the sunroof? I don't think so, buddy.

Get on the phone to "SNL" and fix this.

Ma'am, this has speech implications...

Oh, please.

Sue, can I impose myself on your diagram over here?

Come on over. "Sue" casa es su casa, sir.


Selina: Wait a minute.

That's funny, Sue.

What are you saying?

Well, thanks to "Saturday Night Live," we need to take "Disabled Farmer" off the steps.

No, we don't.

You gotta take him out of the speech.

So, Dan, you got to lose...


So now we need to replace Disabled Farmer with somebody else.

No, you're not going to replace him.

Wait, sh1t, you know what?

We can't lose the farmer. If we do that, we gotta get rid of the "Sensitive New York Fitness Guy," and then we can't go metropolitan if we're not gonna hit Middle America.

That's right.

We need to rewrite the speech!

I can't rewrite the rewrite, Kent. I'm still writing it.

That's the reality, Dan. If you don't like the reality, go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother. She could use the help.

Guys, guys, everything here is sacred.

This is staying exactly the way it is.

Okay? Exactly. For the first time in four years, I can say what I really think.

You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as?

Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays.

What's the hold-up?

President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now.

Good things come to those who wait.


Quit your yakking, 'cause guess who's packin'!

Give me one of those.

Legit journalists only.

Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts libelous poison from his mother's phone.

Know what, Leon? I'm the future of news media, so...

Mike, this is just a press release.

No, it's not.

Jonah, I'm going to have your credentials checked, Jonad.

Oh, yeah, real professional, Mike.

Jonad! Jonad!

I'll find my own.

Jonad! Jonad!


Hi. Is there someplace we're supposed to be?

Sorry, yeah. Just yelling at the media. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, hey, Steps VIPs. You guys are an inspiration.

Thank you.

Put your boss on the phone, or I will sauté your sack, you "SNL" shitstick.

Sue: Red Stickers assemble!

That was Sue. She says it's time for you guys to become Steps Superstars!


I need all Steps VIPs, please!

Mike: That's you!

You dared to dream.

That's anyone with a red sticker!

Are you ready? Come on. Here we go.

Mike, half of America just came in.

This is like Black Friday at Wal-Mart.

No, no, these people are filler, you are killer. Seriously.

You are a big... Gary, come here.

I wanted you to meet Alicia.

Alicia, hey, it's so nice to meet you!

Ooh, you're VIP!

I was just telling her how special she is.

Like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her.

Her? Just beat cancer.

Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin. Not one of the hard ones.

Are they all as special as me?

No. No, no, no.

No. Are you kidding?

This guy here is just an injured fireman.

I don't see any scars. (Laughs)

I need Foster Mom and Heroic Restaurateur to switch places, please.

Mike: Heroic Restaurateur!

"Ooh, I just made an omelet, I'm a hero!"

Oh, Halo has to pee.

Hey, Amy, where are the chaperones?

The St. Joseph's Children's Choir has come down with a vomiting bug. All 30 of them.

So the chaperones are drowning in children at the moment.

I can take you, I'm going that way anyway.

So why don't you come with me? Do I take her hand?

Yes, hold Miss Amy's hand.

Amy was born to be with kids.

Well, peeing is fun!

Mike: There you go.

All right. This is my spot?

Okay, are we ready?


How you all doing? Are you good?

I feel good! Thank you all for being here.

You look like a pretty toy soldier.

Okay, don't do a salute.

Ma'am, may I present your VIPs?

Oh, Karen!

I loved you on "Saturday Night Live." You were hysterical.

That wasn't me, though. But wasn't it funny? So funny!

This right here...

Alicia Bryce!

We get to meet each other at last!


She's the one who...


I am passionate about universal child care.

Ma'am, I am so glad to talk to you.

You should also know...

That's a little distracting.

Yeah, it is. It's distracting.

So distracting.

Yeah, so quit it.

Ma'am, I didn't get a chance to say on the phone, but 38% of our kids have no regular child care arrangements.

38%. Ugh.

Two out of every five kids.

38%, right?

38%. That's it.

I'm glad you echo my concerns.

No, I do.

I echo your concerns.

I'm gonna see you soon, and that's 100%.

You can repeat 100% any time you like, ma'am.

I will, ma'am... 100%!

Okay, where've you been?

Okay, great pee!

I wanna know who's responsible for that sketch, you cock... tail napkin. Yeah, you heard me.

Dan. Amy.

sh1t, I gotta go.

Senator Doyle.

I have a meeting scheduled with the vice president right now and it is "right now" right now.

Dan, you take this... right now.


No, I can't talk 'cause I'm on another call.

You guys are an inspiration.

Mike: No, not this one.

Mike, I need Dee. She's outside, I need her to watch Halo.

No problem. I will get Dee.

You okay, baby?

Yeah, it's good, except this order's wrong because you can't have hospital after military.

But you wanted military first.

Yeah, I know, but you can't have hospitals after war. That's what I'm saying.

'Cause then they sound like they're the result of war.

It's the curse of the unintended narrative.

Okay, but you still want military first?


I'll just say them simultaneously.

Like those Tibetan throat singers, Dan.

Ma'am, you gotta dump the universal child care.

Jesus, Doyle, where did you just come from?

Universal child care is a bottomless money pit.

You pledge this, you can forget about having a navy.

Okay, sweetheart. Don't get your panties all up in a wad.

I'm just mentioning Alicia Bryce by name.

I am not appointing her to my joint chiefs of staff.

Do I look like I rode in on the last "f*ck truck," Selina?

You are smuggling in universal child care.

You sound paranoid, okay?

I'm mentioning child care. That's it.

So we can say anything now? We can say we can heal the sick.

We can turn water into blowjobs.

All right, we're done here.

Selina, play it safe.

Put the AARP on those steps. Seniors vote.

They've got nothing else to do.

I've got a senior up there. I'm looking right at him.


Well... maybe you don't have him.


Excuse me, I gotta take this call.

It's from a senior member of the party that you hope to lead.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to be some sort of a party puppet?

You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?

Doyle: Yes, please!


What were you bobbleheads doing while I was just getting ear-fucked by Father Time?

Senator Doyle is correct, ma'am.

No, he's not!

The gray vote is a given, but universal child care?

That spooks the horses.

Seniors are the easy vote. Child care is a principle.

Ma'am, you have plenty of principles. Just gotta pick another one.

Oh, my gosh, I can't believe this!

No, the Dee don't stand for anything.

That's like me askin' you what does the "Mike" stand for?

It stands for "Mike kinda guy."

You kinda lame.

Leon: Mike?

"Honey, I dropped the kids"?

What? Oh, no, no.

The chaperone said the choir will sing, Leon.

No, universal child care. Rumor has it Selina's dropping it.

Wait, what?

Absolutely not.

It is a priority for the vice president.

It better be.

Who's the bulldog, new campaign manager?

My name is Dee. And you're what, f*cking nobody?

'Cause don't nobody talk to Dee like that, okay?

Let's go, Dee. That was a good put-down.

It was okay.

Look here... you wrote, "All you who've."

Oh, ma'am, "SNL" just e-mailed me back.

Oh, crap in my lap.

Selina: What? What is it?

Selina: What?

They're gonna do another sketch.

Wait a minute.

They're gonna what?

Is this your doing?

Did you give them this idea, Dan?

I don't do offended, but I am... affronted that you'd even think that.


f*cking comedians.

f*cking comedians.

I'll tell you what happens. They get bullied when they're little at school, and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me.

I'm gonna take care of this. I'm gonna call those f*cking nerds right now.

Yeah. Get that done!

Sorry I was late. I was giving that speech at...

Oh! Great minds think alike!

Ben: You look like you're in one of those body swap comedies.

What in the wide world of f*ck do you think you're wearing?

Nice to see you too.

I was trying to be conservative.

You haven't dressed like this since you were two and a half.

This makes me look like I'm some sort of a crazy person that was deliberately trying to make us look like twins.

That's nuts!

I'm not trying to make you look crazy.

Then go and change this outfit.

Seriously. This is ridiculous.

Why don't you change?

Huh? Is that a joke?


This is my day.

I mean, you know?

Cute... "Li'l Selina."

(Mock laughing)

I just got off the phone with the congressional leadership and they're stuck in traffic, so we may not make it to the steps.

You hear that?

Are you threatening me?

Oh, no. Traffic is really bad, so the car might be stuck there forever.

So I'm supposed to let a bunch of dead-eyed white guys... sh1t all over absolutely everything that I stand for.

Huh? Mm-mm.

I'm not going to let the party dictate to me.



(Door closes)



God! (Groans)

I've decided that I'm... going to let them dictate to me.

Because that is my decision.

Do you understand that? I am letting them do that!

Get it?

Yes, ma'am.

Right! But they do not own me!

They really don't, ma'am.

Selina: No, they don't!

No, they don't! (Grunts)

So... we're losing child care?

Replacing that with seniors?

Okay, Benevolent Taxi Driver should move to his left.

Mr. Davis, can you move to the left, please?

It's Miss Dee! My VIP!

Excuse me, ma'am.

Could you go back to where you were standing?

It'll be real fast.

Dee: What's wrong with that lady's face?

Looks like something crawled up in there and died.

Child Care has been axed.

Mike: What?

You need to dump Alicia... sensitively.

I can't! Amy!

Yes, she's really, really into it.


What's wrong?

You look like you killed a hooker.

No, I didn't. Um... this is slightly worse, Alicia.

You may know what I'm about to say, so please feel free to say it.

That way I don't really have to say it.

Could I talk to Amy?

Thank you. Yes. Amy?

Amy, Alicia requested...

Not happening.

Amy's on a phone and walking.

We have to... we have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event.

We're not gonna need you.

Dee: This is unbelievable.

I know, and I apologize if we have wasted your time.

No, you ain't wasted nobody's time.

We gonna use that time to kick your ass.


I'm angry too, I wanna kick my own ass. I'll do it for you.

I've punched myself in the face before.

I ran into a wall once.

I'm freakin' tired of you, okay?

The vice president is going to West Virginia next month to visit a kindergarten. You could come with us!

I'm not going to West Virginia!

What do we look like going to any Virginia?

I don't know who it's from, but I have to take this call.

Mike McClintock...

No, you are not taking it.

I have to take this! I have to do this!

Ow! I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow!

What did you just say?

I... Where I grew up, my dad called my mom a cow all the time.

It's not bad, it's homey and friendly.

"I love you, baby, you're a cow."


Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore?

You gonna punch the kid?

Alicia, you and I should talk.

Out that door before I nail your squawky throat to it.

I can feel that air crackling between us, Amy.

Leon, do you have any idea what just happened in there?

Amy, what is this bushel of f*ck talking about?

Leon, would you mind smashing his head off with a fire extinguisher?

I wouldn't mind.

She hasn't moved in five minutes.

She must feel horrible.

Dan: It's like her f*cking head's gonna spin around.

Amy, what the f*ck is happening? Is Mike on crank?

That's actually the least of my worries right now.

Your mom has gone quiet.


I see you found it... the "Room of Regret."

I'm f*cked, Ben. I'm f*cked.

Well, there's a remedy.

It's an ancient technique that's been plied by loveable losers since way back. It's called begging.



Jonah, that f*cking lowlife?

That f*cking lowlife? You gotta go lower!

You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife.

You gotta dig and dig and dig until you get to the point where you wish you were dead.

Okay? And that's base camp.

I gotta beg.


This could help a little bit. Why don't you take one of these?

What is it?

I don't know, I found them in my desk.

Is there any way to snap her out of this "Diving Bell and Butterfly" sh1t?

She should be rehearsing my speech by now.

Catherine: How long has she been like this?


15 minutes.


Whoa, wait. Come on...

Okay. Your big day is a travesty. I get it.

It's like my 21st birthday.

Or my 18th birthday. Or every other birthday, okay?

Your entire life has been leading up to this moment.

As a result of that, my entire life has been awful.

Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of "Sesame Street," going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of.

I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life.

The only thing that is going to make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there.

And you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.

Selina: Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks.

And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.

(Groans) Oh, God damn it.

It's okay. I fixed her.

Jonah. J-Rock. J-Riggedy.

I'm asking you kindly to not run the "cow" story, okay?

I'm appealing to your better nature.

Mike, I don't have one of those.

Jonah, please. I'm begging you. I'm begging you.

Really? It doesn't look like you're begging.

Please, Jonah. I'm begging. Please.

Don't run with the story.

Now we're begging.

What do you want me to do? Juggle? Dance?

Actually, you know what? Sing me a song.

Spin the ol' dial on Radio McClintock, see what it lands on.



I don't know... "Goober Peas"?

I have no f*cking idea what that is.

It's an old Civil War song.

For real?


Perfect. It's like a history lesson. Hit me up.

You want me to count you in?


Five, six, seven, eight...

♪ When a horseman passes, soldiers have a rule ♪
♪ They cry out at their loudest ♪
♪ "Mister, where's your mule?" ♪

Put a little twang in it. Come on.

♪ But another pleasure more enchantinger than these ♪
♪ Is wearing out your grinders, eating goober peas! ♪

Play the banjo.

♪ Peas, peas, peas, peas, eating goober peas ♪
♪ Goodness, how delicious, eating goober peas... ♪

Tip that old Yankee gray!

♪ Peas, peas, peas, peas... ♪

Sir, this is your beauty pageant of the nearly dead.

Okay, everybody give me a smile and wave.

None of these.


You okay, ma'am?

I just need my speech.

Good to have you back, ma'am. The speech isn't ready yet.

Just upload any draft, I'm going to wing it.

"Blah blah blah, I am running."

And I wasn't kidding about that jacket.

Okay, guys, this is not a drill.

"Operation Lady POTUS" is go.

Amy, it's flashing. Why is that?

Ma'am, sign off on the Steps lineup.

We still have a gap.

Just spread all these guys out.

Get rid of this guy. He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Dan, maybe today?

Dan: Sorry, one second.

The beltway is clear. Thank you, Selina.

I'm glad there's no more traffic.

Yes, indeed.

Silver is the new gold, is that right?


Get off the damn phone, Dan.

Ma'am, it's "SNL."

Give this to me.

Yeah, okay.


Hi, it's Selina Meyer!

Amy: Is it printing?

It says "sub adder."

What the f*ck is that?

Yeah, that sounds great! I will. Bye.

Yeah, that's taken care of.

They're gonna drop it?

Yeah, after they do one more with me in it.

I'm just gonna embrace it.

What about taking a dump in your car?

You what?

No, before...

Are we ready to go?


Great. Let's do it.

That was fantastic, Mike. That was fantastic. Get up.

That was really nice.

Thank you. I owe you one.

What do you owe me for?

Because you're not gonna run it.

Mike, I'm absolutely running the story.

And now the "Goober Peas" and the begging, that's all part of it.

You forgot to say it was off the record.

That's like Journalism 101.

Look into that, Mike.

If I'm not wanted here, I might as well go home.

'Leash, you cannot go home.

You are the Rosa Parks of child care!

At least Rosa got to sit down, right?

Oh, my goodness.

Who is this gorgeous...?

Hi, darling! Is this your baby girl?


Hi, sweetie!

Do you want to say hello to Senator Doyle?



I know what you're doing, Selina.

Wouldn't it be a good idea if I mentioned her in my speech as the face of the future?

(Childish voice) Wouldn't that be good, Senator Doyle?

You wanna tell the little lady it's a good idea?

Um... I think it's a good idea.

Yes, fantastic!

I follow you on Twitter!

You're kidding!

I love it.

I retweet you.

Look at that coat. Where is my daughter?

Do you think that we could borrow your coat, just for the speech?

I would be so honored.

Great! We'll tweet it.

Ma'am, does this mean you'll talk about universal child care?

We have to go.

(Audience cheers)

Selina on P.A.: And what does USA start with?

That's right! It starts with you!

Today I announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America!


Here I stand... there you are!

Here we go!

(Cheers continue)

Selina: Oh, hey there!

Didn't she do a good job?

Yes, she did.

We need to get her a balloon with my face on it. Yeah?

I know we got slightly derailed today with the universal child care, but now we are really back on a roll.

Will you come on our walk, ma'am?

Someone from the vice president's office will absolutely...

Catherine, wouldn't you like to go on this lady's walk?

Yes, I would.

That's great news, thank you.

Thank you.

Jonah: Alicia Bryce? Alicia Bryce?

Mike McClintock called you a "cow" earlier today.

I wanted to know how that made you feel.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? I saw it happen!

This is the problem with you new media guys.

You don't check your facts.

Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving!

You can't bury the truth, Mike.

Can we take Mr. Ryan out?

This isn't fair!

This is not fair. This is a conspiracy!

Thank you, Alicia.

Uh-uh. You're not my friend.

You called me a cow.

I'm the cow!

You are.

I'm the cow!



When is the walk again?

Three weeks from today.

I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it.

I'm so sorry.

You guys were an inspiration.

Thank you.

Can I get my coat back?

I don't know.


Mommy, where's my pony?

Bad news, honey.

(Audience cheers)

It got... it got cut in the latest round of debt ceiling talks.


(together) live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

(Audience cheers)