03x09 - Crate

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing)

Thornhill on computer: Thank you so much.

Victory in Iowa is just the start of the job.

I've worked my whole life...

Oh, please. and now it's time to make this country work.

Let's take our shirts off and work up a sweat.

Listen to this idiot. They're not even sound bites. They're just sounds.

Yeah, but it works, though. That's the thing.

I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Well, that's appropriate. It's the corn state.

What are Thornhill's numbers now?

And please downplay them so I don't cry.

He's k*lling us.

Please downplay them, I said.

She is downplaying them, ma'am.

Ben: People like someone who's normal, okay?

Gritty... you know, folks who actually eat grits.

I'm normal. I can be so folksy.

Doing the folksy thing with... folks.

Hello?

We'll push it. We'll push it more.

Well, push it. We got four days left.

Remember when we only had five days left?

Those were good times.

Great times.

We're gonna get you out in the streets.

Okay.

You know, shopping malls, community centers...

Right. Right.

...farmers' markets.

You should go to a ball game, ma'am. Throw out the first pitch.

It's January, Mike.

Selina: Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike.

I'll look like Gary here.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Um, what about local phone-in shows?

Great idea. Talk some real vote meat.

Rub with a schlub. That kind of thing.

Guys, guys, you gotta get out there on the stump.

That's a good point. Nothing says "regular American" like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.

Okay.

Actually, I had a similar thought.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

What, are you David Coppercock?

If you like, Humor Man, yes.

Uh, can I get a volunteer?

Me, me, me.

Me, me, me. (laughs)

Kent: You. Come forward.

Gary, please open the box.

Ooh. Oh.

What is it?

Take it out.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Wow, it's a box inside of a box.

(grunts)

Jesus!

Oh, it's a crate.

Wow!

You like that?

I love it. Are you okay?

That really hurt my...

Can you move?

Yeah.

Kent: Yeah, get up there.

Take it for a test spin.

Yes.

Huh? See, it's folksy, it's traditional, and it's reinforced with titanium so you won't fall through.

It's fantastic. You guys, this could be the key image for the campaign.

Me on a crate. I love this!

Yep.

Ma'am, new donations...

God.

Mark Dugdale from Dugdale Recycling just pledged $30,000.

Okay, so I'll make a call in to him.

I gotta tell you something.

I wanna get away from the politicos.

I wanna talk to you, the regular Joes.

Right?

Dan: Yeah, yeah.

We also have $2,000 from a guy named Paul Duffy from the local dry cleaner.

Okay, for two grand, you don't get a call from me.

Okay? Just send him a button or something.

See, the thing is, folks, is that this is the real America and I want to say God bless you guys.

Oh, God. I could watch you do this all day.

You know, they accuse you of not thinking outside the box, but I do think outside the box.

You know what else I do? I stand on top of a box.

Okay, you can stop now.

You might wanna save that voice.

Yeah.

Uh, good luck with the street shouting. I gotta get back to DC.

(quietly) POTUS is having a difficult time with FLOTUS and her...

su1c1de attempt, yeah.

Yes.

Selina: I don't blame her.

Imagine being married to that guy.

I wouldn't put up with that sh*t for a second.

No.

(Imitates g*nsh*t)

This looks good.

It does, right?

Do you want to...

No, I like standing up here and looking down at everybody.

(sirens blaring)

Towns like this are what I call the real towns of America, the real America.

Not like the ivory towers of Washington, folks.

That's not my world at all.

I want to hear what you see.

And I wanna see what you feel.

(bullhorn squealing)

You know what, guys?

My job is to communicate with you, the people, because if I don't communicate, guys, I communi-can't.

(cheering)

By the way, I gotta say you're doing a great job.

Seriously, you do me better than I do me.

You do yourself a lot.

Bill: Joe Thornhill sends his regards.

Whoa, okay. Well, send them back.

Of course, not his. Mine.

What are you having?

Scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, sausage, fried egg.

You're having a fried egg with your scrambled eggs?

Oh, yeah. It's the egg medley.

It's delicious. You've gotta try it.

It's like a chicken came in your mouth.

Okay.

I think eggs are my favorite breakfast...

So, how's the Maddox camp?

It's chaos over there.

People can smell the stench of death and they're running for the lifeboats.

Really?

Women and tall, talented men first.

Have you got any offers coming in?

The Chung camp has expressed some interest.

Interest? No, they're not.

I'm sorry?

I just spoke with Chris Ellis 15 minutes ago.

There's no offer going in to you.

But I'm expecting one because my skills are very...

You've got no skills.

Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure.

But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.

Well, those votes can be very useful to someone...

No, we're way ahead on the living dead.

We don't need your uncle or you.

Okay, well, it's not just me.

I have an entourage.

You can bring senior staff?

Absolutely.

Like who?

He's not gonna know.

Boom, Isabella Herrera.

Mm-hmm.

Boom, Liz Graham.

Okay.

Ace up the sleeve... booya... Ally Craig.

Well, that's very interesting.

So are we gonna stop dancing? You gonna make me an offer?

Here's my offer: take your crazy eggs, stick 'em up your ass.

Meanwhile, I can now confidently spread the story that the Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.

Have a nice day.

Oh, let me pick this up. I still have a job.

Oh, my God. It's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan.

Just try to make it look like a regular crate, Gary, not Thor's hammer.

I like that T-shirt.

Ma'am? Quincy Carter...

Yes.

The editor of the "New Hampshire Globe" is here to speak with you.

Oh, God. That Dickensian shitstack?

Yeah, well, that shitstack can swing the entire New Hampshire vote.

That's why they call him "The Endorser."

Mr. Carter.

Ma'am, a pleasure.

I see you've brought your soon-to-be-famous crate.

Ooh.

See our online diary piece for details...

"Crate Expectations."

Oh, I love it!

Gary, bring the crate over here.

Okay, yeah.

So, what's the piece gonna say?

Oh, that it's been reinforced with titanium.

Yes, it has.

And that it cost $1,200 to make.

What? No, it didn't.

You'd have to be out of your mind to spend that kind of money for a crate.

Well, according to the manufacturer.

Uh, no, we don't want... we don't want...

Yeah. Okay.

Um...

Go get Mike.

The thing is, Mr.Carter...

Mm-hmm.

You don't want to put your foot through a crate.

She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.

(phone chimes)

(laughs) Stop it. That's mean.

All right, I gotta get going.

I gotta go make noises out of my face hole or whatever it is I do.

You know, Quincy's retiring.

The "Globe" is gonna need somebody who's willing to be sucked up to and who likes to eat a lot of lunches.

Think you're man enough for that?

Leave Selina? That's not possible.

Is it? You would see a lot more of me.

Oh, no. That's not good.

(chuckles)

I could go look at houses.

Hey, Wendy. Mike, I know it seems weird, but you're actually needed.

Let's go.

Actually, I want to finish my muffin and then I'll go get... are you...?

I'm helping you out. Let's go. No, let's go. Come on.

That's kinda mean.

That's very rude.

Oh, I so wish we could talk longer, but I'm afraid, yes, we've got this... we've got...

Quincy?

Michael!

Thank you for the recipe.

Did you have a nice vacation?

The "Globe" is doing a piece on the crate.

Oh, yeah, like it cost a million dollars or something crazy.

No, no, no, there's no story there, Quincy.

Right, that's what I was saying to him.

Yes, exactly.

I'll take care of this.

Okay, great. Great.

What?

Oh, my God. I cannot stand that affected butt plug.

If I could lift the f*cking crate, I'd b*at him to death with it.

Okay, we will get rid of him.

Mike: Good news.

Quincy's agreed to do a more substantial in-depth interview.

We'll schedule it for tomorrow.

That would be the other option.

Quincy: Splendid.

Yes.

Now I am away to lunch.

Wine and branzini wait for no man.

Oh, my goodness.

Until we meet again.

Okay, bon appétit.

Merci.

You f*cking douche.

He is a character, though.

I hate those. Hate.

All right, so where is Kent?

Uh, I think he's still with FLOTUS.

Oh, God. I hope he doesn't give her a crate to stand on.

Otherwise she's gonna hang herself from the nearest light fixture.

All right, call me anytime.

Honey, come help Mom sort her pills.

You used to love that.

I screwed up, Mom.

I should've never joined Maddox.

And now he's finished and I've come home to die.

Well, can your DC friends help?

I don't have any friends in DC, Mom.

They all call me a d*ck behind my back.

But, like, right behind my back so I can hear them.

Like you always said, honey, "Haters gonna hate."

Right, exactly.

One day, they'll wish they had listened to me.

God, I wish I had a dirty b*mb.

Mom, do you think that you could talk to Uncle Jeff for me?

No.

I want a job on my own merits and I think that he's the guy to get it for me.

You know, we're not on good terms.

You don't have to f*ck him, Mom. You just have to call him.

What?

Don't give me that look.

All right.

It's how DC people talk.

I know.

If you wanna walk the walk, you have to talk that talk.

Okay.

It's not a radical stance on immigration at all.

It's really more of a practical stance.

Ma'am, that is going to fly with our readers.

Oh, good.

And, finally, ma'am, might I ask you the QQQ?

"Quincy's Quirky Questions"?

Yes.

I ask the same questions of everyone I interview.

A little spécialité de la maison.

Ah, magnifique.

What person, living or dead, do you most despise?

I really try not to hate anybody because I think it's a negative use of energy to hate another human being.

Ah. Most people say h*tler.

Um, well, yeah, certainly. I'm not a fan of h*tler.

So, change it to h*tler?

Okay, h*tler, yeah.

What would you alter about your personality?

Hmm.

I guess I would say that I can be a little bit impatient.

Oh, God, yes, you can... be.

No.

So I guess I would... I should change that.

Neil Diamond gave the same answer.

Oh, what fun. I love him.

"Sweet Caroline" is so good, and "Cracklin' Rosie" is just...

Why does God allow suffering?

Um, well, I wouldn't ever presume to know the mind of God...

(whispers) Siri, why does God allow suffering?

I think that suffering can engender a kind of resilience.

Although that doesn't really explain childhood cancers and...

"Childhood cancers." Excellent answer.

Shall we halt there? I have a recital to attend.

Well, I don't want to keep you from that.

Oh, well. Toujours un plaisir. Jamais un travail.

"Always a pleasure. Never a chore."

Yes, there you go. I love the French talking.

It's wonderful. Thank you so much.

(Selina laughs) Oh, my God.

He has his head so up his ass, he can wave out his mouth.

I mean, honestly.

(knock on door)

Ma'am, we have a donation offer from Oliveri Systems for $4,000.

Four grand? That's not even worth cashing the check.

I'll have the guys call back. It is GUMMI.

Gummi? What's that?

GUMMI... Give Us More Money, Idiot.

Oh.

Who changed the code?

What happened to HADDA...

How About Digging Deeper, Assholes?

I always call them dicks.

It doesn't stand for anything.

(all gasp)

Oh, sh*t.

(whispering) What do I do? What do I do?

(stammering) I don't want it!

There, it's not recording anymore.

Delete it.

It knows too much.

Delete it.

You can't delete it because if you do, then he'll know we did it and he'll think we said some terrible things, which we did.

Who cares?

Let's just throw it in the toilet.

And say what, Mike?

That we dropped it in the toilet.

Guys, guys, guys, you better decide quickly.

Ah, too late. Went into sleep mode.

Quincy's heading back up. He forgot his phone.

Oh. Uh, Gary, g-g-go stall him.

Yeah.

No.

Selina: You need to stall him.

Dan: Go, go.

It's password protected.

f*ck.

Hang on, hang on.

0001, 0002...

You cannot be serious.

Mr. Carter, hi. Gary Walsh.

I just wanted to say I'm a big fan.

Oh, thank you. You are from the South. I hear it in your voice.

I am. Alabama.

I just need to retrieve my cell phone.

You can't go in there at the moment, I'm sorry.

Why not?

I don't know.

Matters of state?

I don't know.

I see.

So, where exactly in Alabama are you from?

Don't know.

Birmingham. Have you heard of Birmingham?

It is a lovely...

I really do need my cell.

I'm gonna go talk to them for just a second.

Let's both do that.

It locked me out.

(stammers) Smash it.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding. v*olence solves everything.

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am.

Just sma...

You have it. Marvelous.

Madam Vice President.

Oh, hello.

No, the light bulb's fine, see?

Amy: Oh, all right. Yeah.

See? Yeah.

I was just admiring it. Your charging portal is so clean.

Do you swab it?

No.

But for this relief, much thanks.

Exit, pursued by a bear.

(exaggerated laughter)

First I want to apologize for what I said last time we spoke.

You know when I've had a drink, I can be a little...

(whispers) A bit of a bitch.

Be a little feisty. (laughs)

So, how's the family?

Oh, Lucy's... Lucy's engaged.

(whispers) Who cares?

That's wonderful.

Yeah, I'm good. I had one of my blood sugar episodes at CVS the other day...

Mom, nobody cares.

But I tell you what.

Get to it.

I'm calling, Jeff, because I was wondering if maybe you could make a call over to Governor Chung's campaign team and tell them that JJ needs a job.

No, no, JJ has a lot of job offers.

JJ has a lot of job offers.

And maybe Governor Chung...

And maybe Governor Chung... would want to snap him up.

...want to snap him right up.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I know he can be.

But I was just wondering, do you think you could help us out, Jeff?

Oh!

What's he saying? What's he saying?

Okay. Oh, he's gonna be thrilled when I tell him.

Yes!

So, Lucy... is she pregnant?

(exhales)

No, I wasn't accusing.

I was just asking, is she pregnant?

What is wrong with you?

Well, we all know she's no angel.

She does dr*gs. She's got that tattoo...

(phone beeps)

Mom, what happened?

He hung up. He's such a jackass.

But he's gonna make the call to Chung, right?

That's not gonna happen.

Oh, Mom!

Oh, you are so annoying!

How do you not just punch yourself in the face?

Call him back.

He's not going to answer.

Who else can we call?

Oh, I don't know, Mom. Is there anyone else in our family that controls the senior citizen vote in New England?

Because that'd be my next f*cking call.

This community center, it's got volunteers and homeless people?

And is there anybody else there?

An immigrant family from Syria who had a horrific time getting to America.

They're gonna be good to talk to.

Oh, ma'am, Oliveri Systems just withdrew its donations and so has Dugdale Recycling.

Just now.

(Phone chimes)

Yeah, it's out there.

Quincy ran an online piece about the GUMMI code.

You're kidding.

No.

(mutters)

I've got it right here.

"Any organization donating to the Meyer campaign may want to reflect on how its tightfisted idiocy is mocked by the woman on the $1,200 crate."

Okay, well... ahem.

Well, there's... there's just... there's no way out of this.

I mean, you know, not for a sitting vice president who's lost Iowa and New Hampshire.

You know what VP stands for?

It stands for "Victory Permafucked."

I don't deserve this.

You know? God damn it.

I don't, but you do because you are all losers!

Every m*therf*cking one of you.

Loser! Loser!

(sirens wailing)

Madam Vice President, are all your donors idiots or just a select few?

(chatter)

Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility?

I'm Amy Brookheimer.

Relax, relax.

A little room, please.

Hypertension kills.

It's such an honor.

Did you know how much that crate cost?

And when did you know it?

The vice president is not here to answer questions.

She's here to reach out to the community.

Listen, I'm so sorry about all of this.

You're asking a rhetorical question and the answer is obviously no.

See this?

Mm-hmm.

I'm done. I'm done.

Take your lithium, jag-offs.

Mike: God, it's so good to hear your voice.

No, it's going much worse.

Let's find us a house, Wendy, where we can keep ducks.

For us and the ducks.

Of course, the kids, too.

Amy: Mike.

I have to go see homeless people.

And see if there's one with a pool.

This is Elida and Fadi.

Hello, hi.

Oh, I really want to hear your story.

It is not a nice one.

No, life can be... very challenging.

I mean, sometimes through no fault of your own, it's just one... disaster after another disaster.

Syria is very troubled.

Hmm? Oh, mm-hmm. Right.

Ahem, ma'am, um, Kent is here.

He's acting weird.

Not normal weird, weird-weird.

What does that mean?

Kent.

Ma'am...

What, are you okay?

Kind of, in a way, and also not.

And in a third way both.

What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at w*r?

Ma'am, we're America. We're always at w*r.

Uh, the first lady... isn't in a good place.

Oh, the hospital.

Mentally.

POTUS has decided that he wants to devote more time to looking after her.

Yikes.

At any rate...

Yeah.

He's gonna resign.

Oh. What?

Ma'am, you're about to become the 45th President of the United States.

It's not a dress rehearsal, not a drill.

You are going to be the president.

Now?

We're not sure when, but very soon.

(sighs)

Uh... ahem.

Where's POTUS gonna live, though?

Where is he...

Yeah, 'cause doesn't he have to move?

Well, yeah, but that's none of your concern.

That'll be taken care of.

No, but does he have a house?

Somebody will handle that.

You don't have to worry about that.

You okay?

I just... I just have to go to the bathroom.

Do you know where it is?

I think it's behind you.

(door opens, closes)

Ma'am? Excuse me.

Ma'am? Ma'am?

(knocks on door)

Hi, ma'am. You all right?

Yeah?

Gary...

Yeah, ma'am?

(whispering) Um, I'm gonna be president.

Of course you are.

I mean, there's always hope, ma'am.

We've got plenty of hope in this world.

No, no, no, no. I mean, um...

POTUS is gonna resign... and I'm about to become president... of America! (laughs)

(crying)

No, no, no. Oh, don't cry.

Don't cry.

(Sobbing)

Oh, oh... uh-oh.

Your nose is bleeding.

(sobbing continues)

You're bleeding.

Oh, my God, you're bleeding.

Oh, Gary...

(muffled) When I get excited, my nose bleeds.

What?

When I get excited, my nose bleeds!

Okay, you've gotta sit down.

Wait, you've gotta sit down.

Gary, you've gotta sit down and put your head back.

Put your head back.

When I get excited...

Put your head back.

When I get excited, my nose bleeds.

Well, that's good. Wait, let me get you... oh, sh*t.

Gary, there's...

(Both laughing)

There's no toilet paper.

(Laughing) Go in my bag.

What?

Go in my bag.

It's in my bag.

(coughing)

Okay.

It's in the... it's in the...

What? Where is it?

It's in the outer... it's in the outer pocket.

Wait, what... what is this for?

Oh, sh*t. That looks bad through here.

Stick these in your nose.

Shove these up there.

That'll do the trick.

Why is there a bicycle book?

Gary, seriously, why...

Oh, my God. You look so disgusting.

I love bicycles.

Oh, I got it. Here, I got it.

I got it. Here, shove these in.

Shove these in.

(Laughing)

We gotta get out... uh-oh.

Everything all right?

(laughing, wheezing)

Great.

I need to go.

(laughing continues)

(muttering)

(whispering) Amy, Amy, Amy, Amy.

(whispering) Jesus, what the f*ck happened to you?

Shh, listen, listen. The president is resigning.

Selina is gonna be president.

(laughing)

What's going on? What's up?

POTUS is resigning. Selina's president.

(whispers) POTUS is stepping down. Selina's gonna be president.

f*ck off!

(whispers) POTUS is gonna resign. Selina is gonna be president.

(laughs)

Oh, sh*t.

I was gonna raise ducks.

Selina: Okay, take two.

I'm so sorry I went away, but now I'm back.

Woman: Fadi and Elida, they've had a terrible time.

No. Oh, I bet they have.

Woman: They just arrived a month ago.

At Rye Harbor.

Oh, Rye Harbor. Oh, that's lovely.

So you had a safe arrival, which means that Lady Luck was with you.

Our journey was like a horrible dream.

Mm, right.

At one time, we hid in a well for five days.

Oh, good Lord.

A well.

Ahem.

Yeah?

Um, it's happening in 48 hours.

Selina: Okay, I gotta go, but, gosh, good luck with all of your terrible troubles and, um, welcome to America.

(stifling laughter)

Shh, shh, shh.

(whispering) Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner.

Winner, winner, winner.

Okay, okay, so as weird as this may seem...

Okay.

You are still running a campaign.

Oh, my God, right.

So somebody has to be here.

Right.

Obviously, I have to go with you because I'm...

My campaign manager.

Yeah, and we'll talk Chief of Staff.

Oh. And you have to come with me, Ben.

That's what all the chicks say.

(laughing)

Shh!

And, Mike, I need you.

Yes, you do.

And obviously I need to come with you 'cause you need my...

Ruthless eye.

Yeah, I have no soul.

(Laughing)

And, Gary...

Yeah?

I need you to stay.

What?

Yeah, I need you to stay here to be the face of the campaign and everything, okay?

What?

And then tomorrow, you take a commercial flight back to DC and then we can talk inauguration shoes.

Okay, ma'am, but this is the most important moment of my... of your life.

It's going. It's going.

Sorry, I just feel like it was...

(whispering)

I'd be right next to you.

I mean, I would absolutely agree that that would be me.

(sirens wailing)

Dan: This is better than any of the sex I've ever had.

I mean, almost any of it.

I feel sick, but it's just in my neck, you know?

Wow, only 44 other senior press advisors have ever felt like this.

That's right, yeah. We're the chosen ones, bud.

Wow, it really is all about you, isn't it?

Woman on TV: The president announced that he will be stepping down with immediate effect in order to help his wife... deal with her illness.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. f*ck me.

Is this... is this soup vegetarian?

I think it's vegan.

Ah, nice.

So maybe one or two types of beans?

I wouldn't know. I don't make the soup.

Oh, maybe three, actually.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Jonah: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

My heart is racing, like, 200 miles an hour.

Me, too, but that's normal for me 'cause I'm not a healthy man.

Jonah: I don't understand this, 'cause yesterday we were all doing jokes about the box, now she's commander-in-chief.

How is this happened?

So, what's it like working for the vice president?

It's my greatest joy just to stand by her every day, just to be by her side.

Buy yourself a g*n, Mom, because America's gonna have to sh**t its way out of this.

Does she often leave you behind?

No, this is the first time.

(chuckles)

(stifles cry)

(voice breaks) Oh, I didn't get any salad.

Oh, God, Mom. No, make this stop.

Oh, okay, okay.

No, don't turn it off, Mom.

Whoa, this must be what it feels like to be happy.

Ma'am, are you okay?

I'm gonna be the f*cking president.