04x07 - Mommy Meyer

[bunniefuu]

(theme music playing)

Mike: Please don't make me go to work today.

I'll fake my own death.

You don't have the cheekbones for depression.

What's the matter?

The workload, the spotlight.

Mm-hmm.

Getting hammered on the Families First Bill.

People hate that thing.

Yeah, it's falling apart like a punched wedding cake.

And the president wants me to start getting the media calling it the Meyer Bill, but they've decided to call it the Mommy Meyer Bill.

My job is impossible.

Mm-hmm.

Take this fork, s*ab me right here in the carotid.

You are the most influential Mike person in the world.

The president won her first debate thanks to you.

Guess what. There's two more.

And the next one's foreign policy.

That's basically a quiz on the entire world.

How do I prep for that?

Listen to me.

You're gonna shake it off, all right?

Stiff upper lip. Put on a happy face.

Gonna have the best day of your life.

Thank you for the pep talk.

I'll see you... oh, sh*t. Happy birthday.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to get you anything.

Gonna try after work.

Love you.

I live on a regular street in real America with real trees and real cars.

Oh, wait for it.

Selina: We do have real cars on my street.

I'm not sure what a fake car would be exactly.

(audience laughs)

Oh, bam!

I should be president or something.

(all laugh)

If he doesn't drink in the morning, he will now.

Oh, God, you know what I should have brought up?

That rumor about O'Brien's daughter blowing all those hockey players in college.

That would have been a mistake.

Huge mistake. It was lacrosse players.

(all laugh)

Ma'am, your dinner guests are confirmed for tonight.

Oh.

Your relaxing evening is locked in.

Goodie. I cannot wait.

I'm getting the old g*ng back together.

Back in the '90s, us ladies totally owned Annapolis.

We really did.

g*ng?

Did you all have tattoos?

No, it's just a bunch of lawyers from my old firm, you know.

How did you get into this g*ng?

Did you have to k*ll a guy?

You could pardon yourself now.

You know, actually, as women, we really did get it done.

Plus we had tits and ass.

So we had the whole thing going for us, really.

There's been a sh**ting in Pittsburgh.

Four dead including the gunman.

Well, that's f*cking not good.

We pray for the families.

Yeah, and that they don't demand more g*n control.

It says here the gunman was an ex-Marine.

Two sides of the coin. It's very sad.

Hey, Sue, get Mike to draft a statement.

He's got a thoughts and prayers template.

Right away, ma'am.

Oh.

Should we keep watching me?

Yeah?

Sure, sure.

See, when I left the White House, I never thought I'd be lobbying for concrete.

Great, isn't it?

Mmm.

Oh, by the way, I set us up with two brunches and a lunch for tomorrow.

Oh, God, I already have two breakfast meetings tomorrow.

If I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Uh, ladies, you are going to be our sale bait.

Um, by sale bait, you mean...?

Independent, well-educated young women like you who also happen to be very hot to lure congressmen into the room in a way that is deeply feminist.

We then introduce our client, who makes a sale in a way that's deeply capitalist.

I'm not expected to do anything with anyone, am I?

This is lobbying. This is a respectable profession.

Do me a favor. Go see Linda over there.

She has some slightly tighter blouses that you can choose from.

So, you two ready to go hard for concrete?

Yeah. Hey, why are there so many security and m*llitary people on the list at this concrete event?

Are we at w*r with clay?

Amy, what does the m*llitary buy a lot of?

Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Cute. It's concrete, okay?

So we bring the m*llitary guys along, they talk Congress into stumping up money for a Mexican border wall made of concrete. Circle of life.

Serving several of our clients' agendas all at once.

God, I love this.

Yeah, I know. Me, too.

It's so slutty, isn't it?

This place is like a p*rn sh**t with bunting.

God, k*ll me now.

(sighs) Good morning. Good morning.

Reporters: Morning!

Okay, let's get this party started.

The Mommy Meyer Bill. Is it doomed?

First off, it's not the Mommy Meyer Bill.

It is the Families First... No, it's the Meyer Bill.

And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

(reporters laugh)

Shall we talk about Families First, please?

Yeah.

I'm afraid it's getting crucified on the Hill.

Just like that Jesus guy.

Well, it's my big bill.

You think I'm just gonna say it doesn't fit and put it up on craigslist or something?

O'Brien just said, "If Families First is passed, the whole concept of family will come to an end."

Well, that's the dream, certainly, but I'm not sure we'll achieve it in this generation.

I don't care if O'Brien hates it.

It's for the people and they love it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except no.

I'm sorry?

I hate to be the I'm-in-touch-with- the-normal-guy guy, but I am that guy, and they want to pay for their families and not other people's.

That's not helpful to...

What? What's going on? Holy sh*t.

Back away from the president.

Ma'am, there's an intruder. We need you to remain here.

What? I mean, okay. I mean, what?

I had not anticipated this. This I had not anticipated.

Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Flexible hours benefit everyone.

This is a common sense piece of...

Intruder. Everyone stay calm.

Stay exactly where you are.

Okay, lockdown. Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.

Shouldn't we be on an elevator to a secret bunker by now?

There is no elevator or bunker.

Why isn't there an elevator to a secret bunker?

Jesus Christ, Bill, you're shaking like a dog sh1tting a peach pit.

I actually think I should have a g*n.

I'm not making a joke. I really would like to have a g*n.

Okay, what about us? Is there a panic room or something?

Gary, every room you're in is a panic room.

We need to find a safer room.

I'm gonna k*ll Tom James and that bitch!

(gasps) The intruder! Right there!

Oh, my God, sh*t got real! sh*t got real! sh*t got real!

Calm down. What are you doing?

It's a w*apon.

What are you going to do with a clock? Tell him he's late?

That's the all-clear, ma'am.

Really?

Tom: Well... (clapping)

Wow, okay.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Okay, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go breathe.

Selina: Yeah, did you hear all that shouting?

I did.

What was he saying? Did you hear what he was saying?

Who cares what he said? The guy's nutso-bismol.

What was he saying?

He said, "Let me up.

I want to k*ll Tom James and that bitch."

He comes here to k*ll me and he doesn't even know my name?

He may have been talking about Kent.

Thank you.

I've got to take a gigantic whiz.

Man, the siege stuff goes straight to my bladder.

It's like if dogs could talk.

Okay, Senator, I am going to set up your town hall meeting.

I'll see you there.

Oh, good. More adrenaline.

God Almighty.

Wow.

How are you doing?

I cannot believe that somebody came here to k*ll me.

And you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Still, you know, you've got good people around you.

Yeah.

Holy hell!

I saw him! The guy.

You did?

I was face-to-face with him and I was like, "Back off, man. Don't mess with this."

Really?

I have got so much adrenaline in me.

It's like I've got to do something.

Can you get me a coffee?

Yeah. Yeah.

An Irish coffee.

Yeah!

Do you want something?

I'm good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Selina: Mmm!

He's been with me a long time.

Has he?

Yeah. Yeah.

I see.

Jonah: Hey, Kim.

Hi, where are you? Can we make sure that the flags are symmetrical to the backdrop?

It looks a little bit off.

That shirt really compliments your figure, by the way.

Just a nice little compliment for you.

I'm loving this. This is great.

Yeah, we're k*lling this. Hey, lighting.

Man: What?

Hi, how's it going? Can we bring these down just a little bit?

Okay, I think that's a little bit too much drama, so maybe we just bring those back up just a little bit.

That looks great. Yeah, mark that.

Man: That's exactly how it was, dumbass.

Okay, well, we don't need that kind of language, but thank you.

One, two, three, four.

Hit me with the plosives.

Bring back my pig.

I'm happy with that.

Yeah, that sounds great.

I don't want to pat myself on the back, but this is a great idea on my part.

You know, getting out of the office, going on the campaign trail.

Yeah, help you forget about being molested.

That's loud. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well... Well, no.

It's just that everybody thinks we're awesome here.

I mean, we're West Wing. We're like gods.

Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi?

No, sir, I will get it right now.

It needs to be at room temperature, otherwise it just tastes of cold.

Yes.

Sa-shi-mi.

Are you hearing this?

Sushi.

Listen to the shus and the mis.

(music playing)

(laughing)

Wait a minute. What are we laughing at here?

(laughs) Someone sure put a lot of effort into that.

(blows duck call)

(all laugh)

I don't get it.

Oh, duck 'cause I ducked.

Very clever. Very funny.

I'm laughing, too.

(reporters laughing)

Yeah.

Mom, some days you get an award from a country I've never even heard of, then other days people try to k*ll you.

People probably try to k*ll me most days, sweetie.

You just have to shut it out.

Hey, I've got the menu for tonight's dinner with your friends.

I do love tasting menus.

It's so nice to be able to look at a list of food and say, "I'll take all of it."

Um, no. I just want to hang back and have a loose night with the ladies, okay?

So let's just get pizza.

How about a play on pizza?

We could kind of layer...

No. Uh-uh. No.

Or we could do an "antipasta" and we could do a deconstructed pizza.

Okay, you know I almost got assassinated today, right?

Yeah, you did.

So I just need you to do what I'm telling you to do.

Uh-huh.

Guys, I want you to meet Aiden Grant.

He's the gentleman that won the previous Mexican border fence contract.

Wow, you must be very happy and rich.

Yes, I am.

(laughs)

So of course he would like to win the new one, which means he needs to speak to Congressman Martin, but not his obvious erection.

Ah, yes.

So...

Ah, to be 20 years younger, right?

I would be in diapers.

Oh, snap. (laughs)

Okay, you see, the key is to jump in before it becomes an actual as*ault.

I think we missed the window.

Congressman.

I can see you are as excited about the advancements in concrete technology as we are.

I would like to introduce you to Mr. Aiden Grant.

Look, it's like this.

There is a link... There is a proven link between the lack of education and poverty, and between poverty and crime.

Families First will break that link.

He's nailing it, like Streisand hitting a high C.

My God, where were you born, Lake h*m*?

After the sh**t in Pittsburgh this morning, do you think that it's time for some stricter g*n control?

Reaction is easy.

Understanding is hard.

Wasn't the sh**t also a victim?

(people murmuring)

Tom: Well, we're talking about an ex-Marine here, someone whose mind was maimed in the service of his country.

Ben, Tom James has just said the sh**t is a victim, too.

PTSD.

Oh, my God!

Calamity James. And that's just off the top of my head.

Well, what do I do?

Just get him off, you f*cking mannequin.

Jonah.

Uh, get him to stop. Get him to stop talking.

I'm not saying I don't condemn what happened. I do.

Condemnation on its own...

What the f*ck are you doing?

It looks like you're telling him to straighten his tie.

What I'm saying is we need to understand...

Are you guys okay?

Are you trying to hitch a ride? What is that?

No, you're good. You're good.

No, what the f*ck, dude?

Yeah. Yeah.

If we're gonna take anything...

Maybe we could play some exit music or maybe push the button that drops the balloons.

sh*t, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons.

Do we have balloons?

No. That was just an example.

Why the f*ck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

Well, just... I was brainstorming.

Mike: Ma'am, the press are primed.

Good. So I thought I would open with this.

I thought I would say, "So I'm in the f*ring line for the second time today."

Hilarious, ma'am.

Yeah, I know, it's not that funny.

No, it's just my voice.

I always end up sounding sarcastic.

Oh.

Ben: Gary! Gary!

Gary: What's going on? What?

Don't let her go out there.

What? What? Is there something wrong?

What? What's wrong?

I said don't let her go out there.

Jesus! Come with me.

Tom James just sh*t his mouth off into his foot.

Let her up there for a minute, and then you've got to go up there and take the heat.

Madam President, can you quantify what level of danger you were in?

I always feel as if I'm in more danger when I'm in front of you guys.

(reporters laugh)

This is the second time

I'm in front of the f*ring squad today.

I'm certainly very grateful for the rapid response of the Secret Service.

They... they got rid of the intruder... s-silently.

So, um, moving on.

These job figures for this quarter are very encouraging, folks.

I'm quite pleased with that.

Unfortunately that is all the time I have.

Mike, yeah. I'm good.

I'm gonna duck out for now.

(reporters laugh)

(Mike laughs)

You got me.

Yeah, I did.

So you can take over, you bozo.

(laughs)

We have a good time here, don't we?

Mike, I'm just hearing that Tom James has said that the sh**t in Pittsburgh is as much a victim as those he m*rder*d.

Do you support that view?

That is obviously...

What is clear... That our view...

Is we don't support that view.

Let... let's start with putting the senator's words in perspective, okay?

Um... uh... words don't k*ll people, unlike g*ns, which can and did.

Which is bad. It's so bad.

I could go on.

Congressman Reece is practically blind, so you're gonna have to flirt close and flirt big.

Or, you know, do some kind of braille thing.

I've got a degree in political science. I'll be fine.

Yeah, a lot of good that's gonna do you.

Tom James just sympathized with that Pittsburgh sh**t and in doing so has blown his political brains out.

Yeah, he just made an enemy of every stupid person with a g*n, and there are a lot of those.

If we don't do something about this, our g*n and security clients are gonna start to wonder why it is the hell they pay us so much money, which is bad because I need them to pay me and not try and sh**t me in my sleep.

Look at this assh*le. He's already got me in his sights.

Hi, assh*le.

Okay, well, we just put him on camera and he can criticize Tom James for sympathizing with murderers.

Stops us from being involved in any unhealthy g*n debate.

Very well done. You might be the smartest woman I've ever paid for.

You know what? I'm on this. Already done it.

Oh, man, I'm really enjoying this sibling rivalry between you two.

I'm trying to figure out what that makes you to us.

Daddy.

Ah.

I've got to call you back.

I was dying out there. It was out of my control.

So there are situations within your control?

All right, Tom James is a loose cannon and it looks like I chose him at the last minute, which I did, obviously, but people can't know that.

Well, I am not Merlin, okay?

I don't have a magic car or whatever he had.

I can't tie a ribbon around a crazy guy who supports crazy guys.

You'll tie a ribbon around Elvis's sagging, rotten ball sack if we ask you to, Mike.

That's your job.

I'm just saying don't rake me over the coals for this one, okay?

Tom James took a crap all over America.

Why do I got to grab the shovel? I'm not a sh*t cleaner.

It's your job. You are the sh*t shoveler.

Ben: That's what you do.

Bill: sh*t shoveler.

Well, some sh*t doesn't get off.

What?

I don't know what that means.

And why is everybody calling my Families First Bill the Mommy Meyer Bill all of a sudden?

You told me to connect your name to the bill.

What is the tone that you're using right now?

It's been a shitty day, ma'am, I apologize.

Uh-huh.

You asked me to call it the Meyer Bill.

Uh-huh.

The press has recently found it amusing to call it the Mommy Meyer Bill.

Well, k*ll the Mommy, okay?

'Cause it's making my bill toxic.

It's like they took the word brain tumor and changed it to Selina Cyst.

Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, if I may, I'd like to read a short statement.

Actually, no, I'm...

No, I'm not going to read this.

I'm gonna speak from the heart.

He's going freestyle. God, that is so f*cking gangster.

My dad always used to say to me, "If you do something wrong, you've got to try to make it right immediately."

Well, there's nothing I can say that's gonna help the loved ones of those victims.

But I can say and I will say that I am...

I am truly, truly sorry if I have added to their grief.

Thank you.

(applause)

Well, I can't say that that felt good, because obviously it felt terrible, but it also felt good.

It played great. Excuse me.

Yeah.

Sir, awesome and amazing had a baby and it grew up to be you.

It's like words are your second language, sir.

Well, thanks for the feedback.

Jonah Ryan.

Oh, yeah.

That's a name that keeps... popping up.

Well, I'm a pop-ular guy.

(laughs) Richard T. Splett.

Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

But I'm Mr. Ryan's executive assistant.

So you're this guy's veep?

Kind of. Kind of, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, nice to meet you guys.

Hey, we should have you apologize for all our screwups.

Hurricane washout. Leon West "detention."

The data breach.

Oh, yeah, that thing with the HIV girl.

No, the... yes.

Yes.

Wow, that HIV girl.

Wait a sec...

If I didn't know better, I would suspect that there was another data breach.

(laughs) Really?

I mean, there isn't.

No, because I would know about it.

Mm.

Listen, you guys, you want a ride back to DC?

It'd be so great to hear some stories from the front line, you know.

I'd love to, but do I have any meetings?

No. No.

Are you sure there aren't any?

Oh, uh, there's one.

Okay, good. Cancel it.

Hope it wasn't important.

Uh, it wasn't.

So here's a thing. Tom James just apologized.

How did that go down?

Surprisingly well. Like vodka and cereal.

All right, so, what? Do we lose the g*n guy?

No, no. Keep the g*n guy.

g*n guys don't like it when you take things away from them.

But it has made me realize that Tom James talked up mental health issues.

Let's get someone to jump on those.

Exactly.

Do we have any mental health charities on the books?

We do, but they don't pay very well.

However, this is Alex Barry from Gemmill Pharmaceuticals.

Amy Brookheimer.

Hi.

How are you?

So what is a big pharma guy like you doing at a concrete event like this?

Well, construction brings builders.

Builders bring sex workers.

And sex workers bring STDs.

A virtuous circle.

Well...

Gary: Hey, ma'am, don't sue me, but your lawyer friends are here.

(all squealing)

Oh, my God!

Hello, Madam President.

Oh, you are hotter than ever.

Oh, puh-lease.

I know!

What do you use, like rhino horns or monkey glands?

All of the above.

(laughing)

Plus I had my whole face done.

Oh.

No, I didn't really have any surgery, Deborah. I didn't.

I haven't had... no.

Okay, this is sloe gin and it's a gift from the British ambassador.

Woman: Oh, how fancy.

It's booze, you old boozehound.

Actually, I have been sober for five years and four months, so...

Oh, well...

I have been sober for 27 hours, so let me take that off your hand while I jump off the wagon.

Can I get you like a Shirley Temple or a Roy Rogers?

Just Coke, Sprite, something like that.

Okay, yeah.

Soda.

Tom: Benjamin, you wanted to see me?

Is this where I get whacked?

Oh, no, sir. This is where we all blow you because you were so freaking great.

(laughing)

Come on.

All I did... I just went...

How can anybody not love him?

He's like your dad except he's nice.

What the f*ck are these guys doing here?

Every player needs to roll with a crew, Ben.

That's the truth from the street.

This is officially my worst day.

Well, in that case, welcome to Friday night drinks.

Do you guys have drinks every Friday?

Only for the last five years.

No one ever thought to tell you for unaccountable reasons.

Anyway, you're here now.

I like my bourbon like I like my women...

18 years old and wet.

(groans)

I'm more of a white Russian man myself.

Here, take that.

Okay, I guess that's fine also.

Have a seat.

Not there.

No. Wasn't going to.

Okay, so what are we drinking to?

To more sh*t.

All: More sh*t.

When is the last time when all of us were together?

Anna's wedding.

That was 20 years ago.

Oh, no, it was five years ago.

What?

I remarried.

She got married again.

(gasps) Oh. Okay.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Yeah. Did he finally come out?

He d*ed.

(Gary gasps)

Oh.

I am... so sorry.

I'm not. I mean, he wasn't gay.

He was just an assh*le.

Uh-huh.

Can I swear in front of you now?

No, you f*cking can't.

(all laughing)

Okay, dinner. Let's do it.

Dinner at the White House.

What are we having?

Wait until you see.

Beautiful room.

It's pizza!

(laughs) Just like the old days, guys.

Oh, wow.

When we couldn't afford anything else.

(laughs) Yeah.

Oh, God, so tired of these big banquets.

You know, six courses. Enough.

Yeah.

What's for dessert, a tub of ice cream and four spoons?

(laughing)

Yes.

Oh.

Any other psychotic things that we need to know about you?

I think we should sterilize everyone in New Jersey.

Good idea.

I'm in favor of assisted dying for anyone who talks in a movie theater.

That's forward thinking.

And I think we should legalize dr*gs.

Oh, yeah!

(laughing)

I'll get the bong.

No, no, no, that last one, that's actually not a joke.

(laughs)

Set it up, knock it down.

Tom James.

I'm serious.

I believe we should legalize dr*gs.

Having seen what my son has been through, I think it's the only way.

f*ck my face.

Okay, uh...

If this gets out, my life's hell.

Guys, guys! Come on.

Everybody calm down.

Yeah, let's just smoke a doobie and pop some ludes.

So, Deborah, give us some updates on your life.

I do a lot of pro bono work now.

Oh, good for you.

Yeah, you know, family disputes, school exclusions, that sort of thing.

Look at us, we're working it from both ends.

How so?

Um, well, because I'm about to pass this legislation.

Families First?

Families First, yeah.

I'm very proud of it.

What do you guys think of it?

Well, it's not everything you want it to be, obviously, because they put all those amendments on it.

I think it's in pretty good shape. Yeah.

I mean, I think it's gonna make a big difference in people's lives.

Uh, perhaps you haven't thought through the tax margins properly.

We have the finest economic minds working on the bill.

Thank God, because tax law was never your strength.

I really read up about it a lot.

Deborah: Oh, my God.

Do you remember? What's 15%? What's 15%?

I don't want to talk about politics anymore.

Oh, okay.

I agree. I agree.

Anna: No, you're right.

She can't have wine.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

(softly) Remember the dude ranch?

Remember the dude ranch?

Oh, my God!

With Vanessa!

Yeah. Oh, my God...

I heard there was pizza.

Selina: Oh, look who's here!

How about that? You remember Catherine.

Do you recognize her? She lost all of her baby fat.

Deborah: Yep.

(women laugh)

Listen, I'm not gonna tell everyone what I think.

Jeez, I wouldn't last 10 seconds in a men's room.

But between us, I just think honesty is the best policy.

Sure.

Absolutely.

So, in that spirit, maybe somebody could now kindly tell me what the f*ck is this other data breach.

Uh, Kent?

Bill?

Hmm?

I don't care. I'll tell you.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa there, Trigger.

Mike, you're a spokesman. You're not supposed to say anything.

The Meyer campaign used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents.

Jesus.

It's a real doozy, huh?

Seems like the party has hit a quiet point.

Jonah: It's not really as bad as it sounds.

You know, those kids have been dead for a while.

You know, I could... I could kick over chairs and scream, "How in the risin' f*ck did this happen?"

What's the point? It's done.

I say we move on together. The Magnificent Seven.

He's really good.

It's 'cause there's seven of us.

I meant as a politician.

I know. Yeah, it's... yeah.

So, we move forward. To even more sh*t.

To even more sh*t.

To even more sh*t.

Did you see Tom James on "Meet the Press"?

Oh, yeah.

I'd like to press his meat.

(laughing)

He's sexy without knowing he's sexy, and that's really sexy.

Now, if he was selling Families First, I'd buy it for sure.

(chuckles) Really?

I believe in him.

Mm-hmm.

I believe in you, too.

Uh-huh, right.

It's just that the office of the president is a really difficult job.

Mm-hmm. I'll tell you what's really difficult.

It's really difficult talking to you now that you're sober.

That's tough.

Okay, um, wow.

I am sorry, but I am tired.

I mean, I would love to keep this party going for... for...

But...

Thanks for having us.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Thank you very much.

You're eating ice cream? Really?

She's eating ice cream, Gary?

I mean...

I just had a bite.

Ma'am, intruder in the grounds.

This is a lockdown!

Gary: God, another one?

You've got to be sh1tting me.

No, Gary, it's the same one.

He's doing a victory lap.

Seal the room!

I shook Jack Nicholson's hand and I thought, "If this hand could talk, it would say 'wash me.'"

(laughing)

Right, 'cause of all the sex stuff.

Agent: Okay, everyone, this is a lockdown.

Stay here. Do not move.

They're just gonna keep coming and coming until they k*ll us.

This can't be happening.

This is classic copycat.

Yeah, no, it's classic copycat.

Ah, it's just like me just then.

You know, it's classic copycat.

Okay, we are in lockdown.

This is a lockdown.

Shh.

All right, everybody, it's that time.

What time is it? It's stop... raffle time.

Get those tickets out. Yeah!

(applause, cheering)

The lovely Kimberly over here is gonna pull the winning ticket out of the cement mixer, which I thought was a nice touch.

Here we go.

Is lobbying always like this?

I have a funny sinking feeling it might be.

If you don't win a prize, don't worry about it.

We're gonna fire up the shirt cannon one more time.

Yeah. Yeah.

(cheering)

This is all free swag, guys.

Have some fun.

I wish the intruder would just k*ll me.

Well, if the intruder kills you, Mike, then who's gonna announce your death?

You okay?

Your face looks kind of like a sad egg.

I think I'm a fraud.

I'm not good at my job.

The story about the emperor and the new clothes.

I'm the emperor.

No, I'm the clothes.

(sighs) I'm the guy who will f*ck this government.

Tom: Come on, Mike.

Hey, at least you got your hair.

Oh, my God, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Oh, honey. You need water.

I gotta do something.

Can somebody help her?

Selina: These people are only here to protect me, I'm afraid.

Are we gonna be okay?

You're gonna be fine.

The only person who's interested in k*lling you, Deborah, is here in this room.

Ahem, that was a joke.

You know, you can't see my face, but I'm actually making a joke.

Put that back.

Put it back.

Jesus Christ.