04x10 - Election Night

[bunniefuu]

(knocks)

East Coast polls are closing, ma'am.

(knocks)

Ma'am...

History is calling, and it won't go to voicemail.

(knocks)

Hey.

You okay, ma'am?

Oh, I'd love one, Gary. Thank you.

Okay, I'll get... I'll get you one.

Well, I've asked America if she wants me to be her president.

Now she's gonna give us her answer.

(clears throat)

America doesn't just love you, ma'am, she is in love with you.

(chuckles)

Mike: We've lost Kentucky!

(theme music playing)

So I assume you reached out to the O'Brien camp.

Taking a meeting with Charlotte or with Kim?

No, I haven't contacted the O'Brien team.

Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits.

We're not gonna be the golden kids anymore.

We've got to stay on his radar.

But we need to be in with her, too.

She might win.

Yeah.

Well, on air I'm gonna keep in with her.

Off air I'm telling the Nazis that she's hiding in the attic.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Hey, so... we have Sally Davenport with us, of course.

We've also got Matty Curtis.

Wow.

Love that guy.

The online statistics savant.

Yeah, in the midterms, he predicted the margin in every Senate seat.

So, suck it, Fox.

(laughs)

(knocks)

So we doing this or what?

Hey, well, thank God you're here.

No one else here knows how tonight will go. Have fun.

Yeah, we'll see you out there.

Okay.

So, closest election in living memory.

Yeah.

Hope you guys are prepared.

We will do our best.

Well, we're gonna need better than that.

Okay.

I'm kidding. I'm just kidding.

But you better be good.

Man: Sorry, guys, we need this area to be clear.

Hey, wait, it's the testicle man.

Guilty as charged. Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

This whole scrotum situation is really working out for you, sir.

That hearing was terrible, but it really got my face out there, you know?

You're the face of workplace bullying and genital health.

Look at this. Mike wants me up in the presidential suite to get a one-on-one thank-you from the president.

How do I look?

Great.

Thanks.

Oh, no, no, no. One-on-one.

Oh, yeah, okay.

(TV playing)

Oh, man, election nights are my cocaine.

It used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine, but...

If Fox says it's close, then it must be.

Then again, they said the Rapture was close.

Anything yet?

Indiana and South Carolina, they just called for O'Brien.

Uh, Vermont and Connecticut, yep, they're for us.

Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Ma'am, you have a moment for Jonah?

Oh, Jonah. Oh, yeah.

I want to thank you for your work on men's health and talking about that bullying that you had to endure.

Thank you, ma'am. It was my honor...

You know what? I need to thank Vermont.

Yeah, that's it, Jonah. It's been a busy night.

What was that? I got, like, four seconds.

Well, most people get just two.

Projections for Wisconsin, ma'am.

Great.

I haven't read them yet.

I'm saving that for when I go to prison.

Even money they give you the chair.

No one came out of the hearings unscathed, Bill.

I had to ditch my fiancé.

I'll be thinking about that while I'm with whichever guy makes me his prison fiancé.

Ew.

Oh, Gary, I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.

How nice.

Yeah, Karen.

f*ck!

What?

Cramp. (grunts)

Senator O'Brien has 33 electoral votes based on our projection.

President Meyer has 10. Is this significant, Dan?

Oh, I think it's far, far too early to tell at this point.

I mean the election really...

Very significant.

Uncertainty in battleground states is bleeding into other areas.

It's the suburbs that are gonna decide this contest.

Well, Amy, Dan, who do you feel will win tonight?

It's so close.

So close.

It's a tough call to make at this point.

Mm-hmm, and not just for us, Greg, but for America.

That was transcendent bullshitting.

Well, I'll tell you one thing, if I do lose, I'm gonna lose like a winner.

You're not gonna lose, okay?

Right. Right.

You're gonna win in a slide.

You know, marginally.

(knocks)

Oh, my God, look who's here!

Hi, it's Karen.

It's Karen.

Hi.

Hi.

Everybody, Karen.

Oh, hi, Tom.

Karen. Yeah, we met at the convention.

Okay.

Tell me how you're doing.

Well, I'm trying to stay positive.

We lost Oklahoma.

Which we were expected to, so...

It's only seven votes.

(electricity pops)

Ah! These damn hotel carpets.

I keep getting that static electric shock.

You need one of those ionic bracelets that grounds you.

Good call.

It's the prison toilet situation which preys on one's mind.

Defecating in full view of another man is unthinkable.

Forgive me, Bill, but I don't wish to ever discuss this.

Yeah, Bill, put a cork in it, will you?

You know, that actually may help.

Hey, listen, how much did you pay your lawyers?

Because I lawyered up for the hearings and they charged me 15 grand and they only said words, you know?

Shh! There's a call coming.

He's like a Native American tracker.

He can hear it in the wind.

Senator O'Brien is the predicted victor in the great state of Minnesota.

Oh, f*ck!

I thought that was ours.

I thought we had it.

I wasn't entirely sure.

Ma'am.

sh*t.

Excuse me for one second.

I'm not saying we will, because we won't, but if we do lose and you're an outgoing president, you could...

I could pardon you?

Yes.

That wouldn't look good. You'd be the first person to say that.

I'm not entirely sure I would in this circumstance.

If there's any way...

Hey, Bill, I got a lot on the line with my presidency right now, so I don't really have time to be thinking about your whatever the f*ck it is.

Probable imprisonment.

Exactly.

Thank you, ma'am.

You're welcome.

Kim: What will you do if O'Brien wins?

Set up an office with Selina at the Betty Ford Clinic?

No, I've applied for a job outside.

Politics bores me.

It bores the living hell out of me.

God, it's boring.

Amy looks off her game, distracted.

I only really know Amy as the woman who rushed everywhere clutching her phone like it contained her frozen embryos.

She's a workaholic.

Works frantically to avoid dealing with her weird mix of lack of self-worth and narcissism.

I really like her.

Uh, ma'am, I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but...

Called Wisconsin. Projected as an O'Brien win.

That was the bad news, which in the end I didn't bear.

Well, this is certainly something not many people saw coming.

For me, it's the domino that signals an O'Brien victory tonight.

This is a big, big win for O'Brien, and I think the Meyer team is gonna be feeling that.

The bigness.

Mm-hmm.

Amy, is the race already slipping away from your former boss?

No. No.

Um, a lot of the polls have not closed yet.

So, no. No, you know, it's no.

I think O'Brien's gonna win this election.

O'Brien can't be president.

He's still contracted to be the KFC logo.

Eh...

You're gonna win this, ma'am.

I don't know.

You are.

You think you would have won?

What do you mean?

If you had been the candidate, you think you would have won?

(laughs)

'Cause that's the speculation, you know.

What do you think, Karen?

About something specific, or...?

Should the president and I have swapped roles?

For?

For the election.

This election. There's an election going on.

Oh, well, you're asking me a hypothetical question and I need to answer it as best I can.

Okay, well, you just did.

Great. (laughs)

Amy, I saw your instability on TV.

Call me when you get this.

Get someone else to dial if you're in a straightjacket.

Hey, I'm sending some of our data to O'Brien.

If he wins this thing, I need to kiss his ass.

Mm-hmm. I'm going. I have to go.

What? No, you can't do that.

Yeah, no, I have to see this play out with Selina.

I've spent a third of my life leading up to this night, so...

Amy...

Greg, I have to go.

You have to go?

Yeah.

What does that mean? This is not summer camp.

Well, I just feel that I'm needed elsewhere.

Oh, well, then please go.

Some of our viewers were complaining that you're shrill anyway, so...

Oh, shrill? No, no, I'm never shrill.

And that's... Oh!

Oh.

And you're acting as though I'm sounding shrill right now?

Yeah, yeah, keep making that face implying that I'm shrill.

Hey, could someone check the parking lot?

I think all the alarms are going off.

Sorry for your loss, ma'am.

I mean about Wisconsin, not a person.

(electricity pops)

Ow! f*ck!

I forgot. I have incompatible shoes with the rug.

God.

I'm so sorry.

We don't have a lot of good news for President Meyer.

Screw this whole sloppy, backseat blowjob of a night anyway. I don't give a sh*t.

Hang on.

Hang on what?

The Wisconsin call has been rescinded.

You mean they went back on the call?

Yes, hence my saying that they had.

(gasps)

Rescinded is actually not a word that's immediately clear.

This is a 360-degree turn. - - It's 180.

Rescinded is my new favorite word! (laughs)

We are back in the game. Back from the dead.

Zombies, bottom of the ninth.

Ma'am, listen to this.

Fox just called Colorado for you.

No!

Oh, my God!

(cheering, laughing)

Stand back, Meyer is on fire.

Look, look. Mom, CNN has it, too.

It appears that Matty's domino is standing up straight again.

Obviously this is a shock and needs some unpacking.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, you better unpack it.

"Let's see if we can unpack this now."

"Oh, I've got pubic hair on my head."

(laughing)

The models are only as good as the data that you put into them and the data comes from the polling companies.

So maybe we should talk to them about what went wrong.

Your website is sh*t.

Honest to God. sh*t.

It's sh*t.

Go back to the Shire, you f*cking moonfaced hobbit.

Yeah.

You know, ma'am, can we talk privately?

Oh, sure, yeah.

I'd like to think that I have been some use to the campaign.

You've been great.

I mean, you know, everyone's like, "Oh, Tom James. Ooh, it's Tom James.

He's so dreamy. Sign my tits, Tom James."

Um, but anyway, so... But you were saying?

Madam President, I don't want to be impotent.

I... I don't really...

In your administration.

Oh, right!

I have had this very conversation.

You want to be first in, last out of cabinet meetings.

You want...

No, I want to be treasury secretary.

What?

As well as veep.

You want to run my economy?

Bank of Tom James.

I am bitterly disappointed...

With respect... that you...

With respect, this administration was coming apart at the seams during those hearings and I used six rolls of Magic Tape to stick it back together.

Anything else you want to ask for?

Want your face on money or something?

Want that TV? Take it.

Man on radio: coming in, a low voter turnout in Broward County.

♪ It's a low turnout in Broward County tonight ♪
♪ Low turnout in Broward County tonight. ♪

Sing with me.

No.

What's this... this job you've applied for?

It's a big food corporation. United Seasonings.

They supply 90% of the country's paprika.

Yep, we lobbied for them, so my hands are dirty with paprika money.

(chuckles) I'll mention how good you are to them.

No need, they already know.

That's right.

Man on radio: This election is too close to call.

♪ Too close to call ♪
♪ Too close to call ♪
♪ It's too close, baby, yeah, too close... ♪

It's unbelievable. It's still impossible to call.

I've known sailors less likely to go either way than this.

I... pardon my ribaldry.

Hey, Illinois is still ours, isn't it?

Yes.

And lowa called for O'Brien.

Tom: f*ck lowa.

I'd say nuke it, but I think someone already did.

Pennsylvania's too close to call. Florida's too close to call.

You might gather the general trend is that it's too close to call.

The congressional results are similarly tight.

(rattling)

Okay, you don't need to shake that bag, all right?

Hmm?

Try chewing with your mouth closed. See if that works.

All right, they're saying we're gonna get a clearer picture of this whole thing in about an hour.

God, I am so tense.

I could cr*ck a walnut in my ass.

Right, Mom, come with me.

What?

Just get out of here until this picture becomes clearer.

Maybe have some mother-daughter time?

Okay.

(music finishes playing)

(applause)

Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses.

Wait, what?

Oh, Band... Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Give it up for Band of Horses.

Band of Horses.

(cheering, applause)

I just want to say thank you for supporting the men's health campaign and letting me tell guys that they should feel themselves up.

(audience laughs)

Easiest job I ever had.

(laughing)

You guys remember my... you guys remember my catchphrase, right?

Remember it? Just to jog your memory.

Just remember, check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

Audience: Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

Nice. You guys remember the A-Team, right?

A-Team? "I'm the A-Team."

Mr. T. Um... they were supposed to be on the run, but, you know, they were in a really distinctive van.

Yeah, what was up... What was up with that?

Feeling kind of zen-ish, you know?

I realize that there's nothing more I can do.

Things are out of my control and I just have to let the tension go.

(knocks)

Get the f*ck out of here, Kent.

Kent: Apologies.

I'm sorry about you and Jason.

I know that my job can be hard on you and that was a bit of a bummer, huh?

Yeah, just a little bit.

Yeah.

But like you said, I can't be married to a lobbyist, so...

Yeah, and he was, like, 60.

He was 35.

How did he take it?

It's hard to tell. He's not really big on emotions.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Catherine, men are horrible.

Okay?

I mean, I have to just tell it to you like it is, honey.

But all men are awful.

Really.

And the key is to just find a man who's the least horrible.

Okay, Mom.

Oh, look at that photo of you and me.

You look like me in that picture.

No.

No, uh-uh. Not at all.

Yeah, a little bit...

No, uh-uh.

Oh.

Oh, there's Daddy.

Horrible.

Mom.

Okay, I'm back. How long was I gone?

About 20 minutes.

Is that it?

God, it always seems longer with Catherine.

All right, so what's my destiny here?

Still unfathomable.

Why can't the American people make up their minds?

I mean, how hard is it to decide between two candidates?

(laughs)

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Amy.

Mike: Hey, Sue.

Amy, nice to see you.

Hi. Mmm.

I've got to get a little space between Karen's mouth and my ears.

I'm gonna hit the soda machine. Anybody want anything?

Just something with real sugar.

No sweeteners or I'll sh*t my pants.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

Ahem.

Hello, ma'am.

Oh, wow.

TV's Amy Brookheimer.

I felt that I needed to be here, ma'am.

We went through so much together getting you here, so...

Pennsylvania results are about to come in. They're about to call this.

So how is it...

Shh.

Pennsylvania called for O'Brien.

Oh, no way!

I said we should have gone back there.

And you were right.

Why did you ever resign?

It's hard to understand.

I think Pennsylvania is the real significant call tonight.

Pennsylvania, you had that as a Meyer win, is that right, Matty?

(stammering) Yeah, uh... yes.

That's, um... Yes, we did.

Can't predict everything all the time, can you?

Even though that is your job.

Greg: Is this the end for President Meyer, Dan?

Well, I would not be surprised if the president were thinking about calling Senator O'Brien very soon to concede this election.

What do experts know?

Got O'Brien 267, us 207.

If those are right, it looks like he's got the election.

These are projections. These are not real results.

They're ghosts.

You can't... you can't concede.

I know you want to, but you really, really shouldn't.

Or...

What?

I'm gonna concede.

I, Uh...

I don't see any point in dragging this on.

And I'd like to have a little bit of dignity in defeat.

So, um...

I'm gonna call O'Brien.

This f*cking job sucks anyway.

Please don't electrocute me.

(grunts)

(laughs)

The next voice you hear will be the president.

Bill.

A fascinating night, ma'am.

Were you calling me for a particular reason, Madam President?

I wanted to just start by thanking you for conducting a very dignified...

(phone chimes)

Ben.

Ben: Yeah, Mike, Selina's conceding, so forget about the soda and just grab a crate of whiskey.

f*ck.

(phone chimes)

I know.

Time to turn that noose back into a necktie, buddy.

I got something you're gonna want to hear.

Dan, there's nothing useful you can tell me.

Pennsylvania was the wrong call.

We think it's gonna go Selina.

Look, I have no idea how...

No! Don't! Don't! Stop the concession!

So, Bill, I feel now is the time to call you and...

(whispering) Ma'am, don't. No, no, no.

Um, also another thing I'd like to just mention...

Uh, how's it going?

How's it going?

You and I are the only ones sort of going through the same thing and I just... (gasps)

Ma'am, forgive me for being direct, but you're not conceding?

Um, no. I don't know why you would even imagine that I would be doing that, Bill.

Greg: people of Pennsylvania go to Selina Meyer.

Yeah, I don't know if you've seen this, Bill, but they seem to have called Pennsylvania for me.

Yes, I heard that.

I wonder if there's anything that you would like to say to me right now.

I'm taking the White House. Please leave the hot tub on.

I don't think so, my friend.

(laughing, cheering)

Sir, the crowd is getting restless. The band has stopped playing.

I've given them my best material and we don't know what to do.

We need to give them a hit of political meth.

I think we should send out Tom James.

Uh, ma'am, would you consider allowing Tom to go out on the rally stage?

What? Uh, well, let's see. First of all, no.

And then the other thing I really wanted to say was no.

I'm hearing a no.

Jonah, sorry, the answer is...

Oh, hello.

What?

Holy mother of moly.

What is it?

Ma'am, Fox is calling Washington State for us.

Ben: Yes!

(gasps) No!

They called Ohio.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

Ben: Ohio?

No, for O'Brien. I should have said.

Oh, my God.

ABC is saying it's still too close to call.

Yeah.

No, they're calling it now... O'Brien.

sh*t!

Fox again and Politico.

New Hampshire to O'Brien and Ohio.

Yes, we took Florida!

Oh!

That is extraordinary.

Yes.

What is my number now, Kent?

Okay, one second.

Tom: You're two... You're...

What?

Yeah, you're 256.

Ben: Kent, where does that leave us?

Okay, it all comes down to Virginia.

If O'Brien gets Virginia, he wins.

However, if we get Virginia...

We win!

No, actually, Gary, if we get it, we tie.

What?

What?

I don't follow these things that closely, but that's right, isn't it, Mr. Davison?

Yes.

Tie, like it's a tie? You mean, we tie?

You do.

The real shock, Greg, is where this leaves us.

Neck and neck if the president takes Virginia.

Matty, you'll forgive me if I sideline you here.

Sure.

Dan, you know the president well.

What is going on in that Meyer hotel suite right this second?

The president has a lot of top minds working on her campaign.

They're gonna be all over this.

What happens when there's a tie?

Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens if we get a tie.

Way ahead of you. sh*t, I'm just getting how to tie a tie.

Is there a book? Like an old-fashioned... like a paper book?

Jesus Christ, you know?

You do your best. You try to serve the people and then they just f*ck you over.

Yeah.

And you know why? Because they're ignorant and they're dumb as sh*t.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy.

God damn it.

It's the 12th Amendment.

I have 20th Amendment.

Why are there so many amendments?

Get it right the first time, people.

It's actually both. 12th is superseded by the 20th.

They give the House until January 20th to elect the president.

Each state gets one vote. First candidate to 26 is the new president and the Senate chooses the VP.

It's a close election with a ton of House races too close to call.

What happens if it's a tie in the House?

Amy: Right.

Is it a dance-off?

Well, vice president-elect becomes president.

Whoever the Senate has picked for VP will be president.

Wait, that means...

That Tom...

Tom: What?

Could be the president.

Well, I...

I had literally no idea.

It's good to be prepared.

So, wait. So you mean that I...

I might lose this election to my f*cking vice president?

At least it'd be somebody from our team, ma'am.

I mean, that's good, right?

(crying)

I didn't mean to make her cry.

(crying continues)

There, there.

(sobbing)

Oh, it's gonna be okay.

She's going down.

She's going down.

Don't touch her.

Yeah?

Sir, I'm sorry to contact you directly, but the crowd is drooling for you.

Yep, floor is wet out here.

Okay, great. Thank you.

(crowd chanting) Tom James! Tom James!

I'm gonna go rally the rally.

With all due respect, you need to get your sh*t together now, lady.

Ma'am up. You're still the leader of the free world.

Hmm?

Where's Tom?

Oh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.

What?

The f*ck he has.

Why would you let him do that?

Well, you don't work here.

Well, neither do you.

All right, f*ck all of you. I'm going to the rally.

Ma'am, ma'am, that would be unprecedented.

No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent.

A tie is unprecedented.

So is becoming the first lady president.

So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door.

Okay? The rule book's been torn up now and America is wiping its nasty ass with it.

Get the f*ck out of my way!

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Let's go.

(chanting) Tom James! Tom James!

Tom James! (cheering)

Thank you.

Okay, I admit, this isn't boring.

Why make the total of electoral votes an even number?

Insanity?

Listen, I know this is a long night.

You're tired and you're cold and your legs ache and you need the bathroom.

Boy, do you need the bathroom.

(laughing)

That f*cking guy with his f*cking charm and his f*cking son and his f*cking wheelchair with his spine all f*cked up.

My grandmother survived the Dust Bowl.

And before she d*ed at the age of 89, she told me a secret that she kept for almost 50 years.

The story concerns...

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom James.

How about it?

(cheering)

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Wow.

Do I know how to pick 'em? Yep.

Well, thank you so much for being here.

I know it's been a wait.

And we really do appreciate your presence.

What a night, right?

It's the night of nights.

Um, you know what I want to do?

I want to introduce you to the First Daughter of the United States, my daughter Catherine Selina Meyer.

Catherine.

(cheering)

Always a delight to have...

She is such a beautiful girl. I'm so proud of her.

Well, we have another minute or so before we're prepared to call Virginia.

Just checking a couple of precincts.

We've made some premature calls this evening.

So we're anxious to be absolutely certain this time.

Why don't we meet some of the people who lift me up?

I'd like you to meet them.

Guys, come on out. How about these great faces?

Incredible scenes. Never happened before.

Very emotional moment. Dan, do you wish you were there?

I'm sure it's a very exciting place to be at.

There's never been an election like this.

No.

You must want to be there.

Folks, you don't know her, but this is Karen Collins.

And she has been a friend of mine for a while.

Yep.

And Amy Brookheimer is here.

Amy Brookheimer who so successfully ran my campaign until she became unwell.

I'll tell you somebody else that is not here tonight who was with the campaign...

Sounds like it could be you, Dan.

Well, I would be incredibly touched.

And that is, of course, Leslie Kerr.

I'm sure Leslie is thanking you, too.

And I'm hearing we can now project a Virginia result.

Dan, what is that projection?

Thank you, Greg.

CNN is prepared to make the following projection that Virginia, with its 13 electoral votes, is a win for President Meyer.

(cheering)

Dan: This election is a tie.

We did it!

We have one more hurdle to overcome.

And we shall overcome.

One more river to cross.

One more mountain to climb.

But I have been to the mountaintop.

Thank you.

I don't know what to do.

We don't do anything.

You do what you have to do.

Yeah, I'm getting drunk.

Hey, Dan, when you get this, can you put in a good word for me with Greg?

I think that I need to keep my TV work going.

Okay, you're gonna win. And if you don't, I'll k*ll myself.

Kent, what happens next? You've got to know.

No, I'm afraid not. Some of these House races, they're still too close to call.

What does that mean?

Well, presently, we cannot predict the result of the vote in Congress on January 20.

We're in a kind of purgatory.

Welcome to my world.

Can you stop thinking about yourself for one second?

Honestly.

No, because I'm going to prison. Have I mentioned that?

So what are we gonna do here?

Should we drop the balloons?

No, no balloons.

Maybe just drop half of them?

No!

Why do we even have balloons?

Ma'am, I seriously overstepped the mark going out onstage. That was a f*ck-up.

Yeah, I'll say.

You might want to watch that if you become president.

If that does happen, want to be my veep?

(scoffs)

Why don't you go help them with the balloons?

Copy that.