06x08 - Judge

SELINA: Oh, Kentucky fried Christ!

It's like Satan's humidor out here.

My God!

Flying a thousand miles to Alabama.

I mean, is anyone as shocked as I am that I'm doing this?

Well, I'm easily shocked, so probably not the best person to ask.

- So, here we are!

My boyhood home.

- What?!

Ma'am, I gotta tell you, you coming to my birthday is what gave me the strength to get through that heart attack - You're welcome.

- and when I had my relapse.

You had a relapse?

Oh, I thought you were just being lazy.

Hey, Gary, how come your family doesn't have a Mongoloid kid on the porch playing banjo?

- 'Cause he grew up and moved to DC.


- Ah, Mama!

- Gary Walsh, you get on up here!

It's like he's never seen his mother before.

Ma'am, Tanz and the other donors are getting really restless about this lack of progress on the library, so we need to get some new money ASAP or we have to give back the old money.

- That's a real snatch-22.

- Yeah.


- AMY: And also, we have another email from Jaffar in New York.

"I need to see you.

" Just email him back a hard no, but make it sound kind of sexy so he knows what he's missing.

Why am I asking somebody who has s*x one and a half times a year to do that?

- SELINA: Hello!

- Mama, okay - Oh, you must be Amy.

- This is yes.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- And you obviously are Richard.

- 'Cause of the glasses, yeah.

- And, Madam President, it's Yes.

It it's an honor to have you at our humble home.

It is such a a treat to be here in Lynch City.

It's White City.

We couldn't afford Lynch City.

- All right.

- Where's Judge?

- Your dad's a judge?


Oh, no!


Judge isn't back yet from his hunting trip with Stewart.


I don't remember Stewart.

- Stewart's the new Bobby.

- Oh!

He's always grooming some new associate - in his law firm.

- Maybe we can go inside.

He takes his boys real, real seriously.

- SELINA: Hi, honey.

- Happy birthday, Gary!

Catherine and Mr.

Marjorie have been here and they've been keeping me in stitches!

- Okay, it's a lady.

- Oh.

MIKE: We're finishing up President Meyer's memoir this week - No one is gonna read that.

- and darn it if I haven't been bitten by the writing bug.

I wanna write a syndicated humor column like Dave Barry or Erma.

Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years?

Not at all.

I mean, truth is I don't even get 'em anymore.

I just read the news on my phone.

It's so much better and it's free.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Let me just give you a little taste - of the McLintock prose, okay?

- Oh, God.

"The other day, I found my daughter, Ellen, sitting in her closet eating cello bow rosin.

" - Creepy.

- "So, I sat her down and we dialogued.

" - That's not a word.

- "And we agreed that it was okay for her to sit in her closet and it was okay for her to eat cello bow rosin" - It's not.

- "but it was not okay for her to do both at the same time.

I think we both found that solution very 'rosinable.


Okay, well, Mike (CHUCKLES)

if I hear of anything, I'll let you know.

Thank you so much, Leon.

I owe you big-time.

And you know what, I'll send you a couple McLintock morsels just to whet your appetite.

I do not want you to do that.

- I will.

- Don't.

- I'm gonna.

- No.

GARY: I can't believe y'all are in my house!

I know, I can't believe it either.

I promise this party is gonna be so elegant.

- Very "New South.

" - Yes.

What does that mean?

No butt-fucking Ned Beatty till the after party, I guess.

No, there is gonna be a raw bar.

- And the very best Southern chef.

- Thank you.

Yes, who hasn't said the N-word on television.

- Oh, that's good.

- Yeah.

Ma'am, I really think that we need to discuss my doing something other than the library.

It's just Do you have any social skills whatsoever?

I mean, my God, Amy, we're in the middle of visiting with what's-his-ass's family here.

- Aw, so nice.

- Hey, birthday boy, I need my purse.

- I gotta get my eye drops.

- JUDGE: Well, hello to the house!

- Oh, there he is!

Judge is home.

- Hey, honey.

Well, well, well, look at that!

Hey, everybody, not home an hour and Gary's carrying a Jimmy Choo purse.

- Oh.

- Some things never change, huh?

It's for the president.

The president, Judge.

- Oh, the president!

- GARY: Yes.

Hey, I was just joshing with ya.

- I was joshing with ya.

- Ah!

I know, okay.

- Don't tear up, now.

- I'm not.

You'll ruin your mascara.

- Hey!


- Hello, Mr.


I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office.

Okay, well, you didn't have to say that, - but thank you very much.

- I understand.

You know what, I saw that Tom James being interviewed on the television about the two of you.

- Oh, good.

You saw that?

- Yeah, I did.

My God, that's a good-looking man.

Looks like he works out.

- Where are my manners?

- Does he work out?

I'm gonna show you your rooms so you can freshen up.

And, you two girls, I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to share that room downstairs.

- I hope you don't mind.

- Oh, of course.

We usually Da, da, da, da, da, da.

Coming, Mama!

Madam President, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms since you're not official yet.

- Mama!

- What?

- Nope, nothing.

- Oh, look at this.

- You kept Gary's crib.

- It's not Gary's.

- It's his brother Bruce's.

- Oh, I didn't know you had a brother.

Brue was his stillborn twin.

- He had a huge heart.

- Missing all its valves, though.

- Here we go again!

- When Gary was in high school, I used to say Bruce still had a better chance of making the football team.

Them's fighting words.

Madam President, we're gonna leave you to get settled.

Oh, Gary, can you stay behind for a second?

We have some scheduling things.

- I can't sleep in here.

- I know.

- And your father comes off a little - Hard on me, I know.

- That, too.

- Mm-hmm.

Wow, no wonder I couldn't carry the South.

I mean, none of the polling research mentioned a dead son's ghost crib.

The ghost is gone.

- Hmm?

- I mean, at least we think it's gone.

Sometimes you hear crying, but that's usually just Mama.

I'm gonna sleep in your mom's room or your dad's room.

Okay, okay.

How did you know they sleep in separate rooms?


- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you something, if I had a crib for every baby who died inside me, - I could open up a Pottery Barn Kids.

- Aha.

The Daylight Savings Time-loving bureaucrats have been "punching the clock" on the taxpayers' dime for too long.

Well, now it's time for me to punch a clock with a hammer.



At least while the government's shut down, we won't have to pay taxes.

- That's not how it works.

- Oh!


Homeless people our very own Dan Egan goes undercover in our fourth installment of "Life on the Streets, Tears in the Gutter.

" We're back in two.

Guys, let's talk.

I don't know how to say this to you, Danny, but the network is not happy.

We need a game changer.

Okay, well, I mean, we could go back to f*cking.

Well, I wanted to wait till after the wedding, but They want you to get an interview with the head of the Jeffersons.

- I'm not doing it.

- Your job depends on it.

- I'm not doing it.

- 10 seconds.

You are f*cking doing it, because I am not going back to Yahoo f*cking Style!

And up next, a long-lost letter from WWII finally delivered, ending a 60-year marriage.

JUDGE: Good morning, uh Amy, Richard, and Madam President.

Amy, Richard, Madam President.

- Good morning - Judge and Imogene.

Judge and Imogene.

So, how are the plans coming - for the, um - BOTH: 40th.

- 40th?

- The crystal came in today and I am just like, ah!

JUDGE: Uh, Gary, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fetch the papers.

Now, see, look at that.

Look Madam President, with all due respect, the government should get shut down.


And that's the kind of man I could get behind, but the bowtie makes him look queer.

Um, Mike, when did you get here?

- Just a couple minutes ago, ma'am.

- Oh.

I got this really cheap flight.

- Had, like, four layovers.

- I'm really sorry I asked that question.

I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart.

And, no, it wasn't me.

I'm actually really blocked up from all the travel.

And by the way, these biscuits are amazing.

- Oh, thank you, Mike.

- Ma'am, do you think that Mike - could benefit from closer supervision?

- She's not wrong.

You know what, Amy, you are now in charge of finishing the book with Mike.

And, Richard, you're in charge of the library.

- What just happened?

- You're in charge of the library.

- We're still doing that?

- Yeah!

- I better get to work, then.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

- Well, we should get going.

We're actually doing a "herstorical" tour of great Southern female writers.

And where they killed themselves.

Catherine, you know, everybody just woke up - and they don't wanna hear about - JUDGE: Just get in there!

All right, Madam President, I found this person of interest lurking around out there.

- In a Ferrari.

- Yeah.

You're kidding me.

What is this?

I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.

Did you tell him your first name was Mohammad?

- No.

- I can vouch for him for the most part.

- JUDGE: That's fine with me.

- Let's get to work, Mike.

Roll those sleeves up to your pit stains.

I need to talk to you in private.

- This is so inappropriate.

- Excuse us.

- It's not in here.

- What?

- I don't have my diary.

- Then look harder!

- It's gotta be in there!

- sh1t.

Mike, that diary is all you're good for.

The diary should've lost you.

Every detail of every day in the White House was in that diary.

Where do you think you might've left it?

I did stop to eat at this truck stop diner driving up from Birmingham.

- No, you just ate breakfast now.

- No, I'm on DC time.

It's an hour's difference!

Let's go!

Oh, good, they have great pancakes.

We'll split a stack.

I don't understand.

What are you even doing here?

Your man Richard told me to come down.

I had some business in the Gulf with Sturges Energy, but I had to see you.

Oh, please, suddenly now white lives matter?

- I mean, I just - I'm sorry for how I behaved, but everything is different now that my father's died of colon cancer, praise be to Allah.

Plus, our family's got a brand-new imam who's just a lot more chill.

I mean, I can engage in homosexual acts with the entire writing staff of Charlie Hebdo and nobody would say boo.

Well, you're getting me all wet now.

- No, no, I didn't - Hey, did you say Sturges Energy?

I did.

Who donated that whole wing to Hughes's library?

Yeah, Quartie and I are dear friends.

Our houses share a beach path and a vineyard.

We don't let the public use it, of course.


You had me at beach path.

Yeah, Carly Simon is on the other side.

You know, she has this tree.

It just sort of hangs over the property line.

Could you do me a favor?

You think you could talk to Quartie about maybe donating a few mil to my library?

I'll make that call for you.

Mm-mm, I haven't forgiven you yet.

- Why?

Come on.

- No.

Plus, we're in Gary's house and this whole place is like a vortex of sexual confusion.

- I mean, witness.

This - Oh, my God.

GREG: Hey, Dan, look at my sandwich.

Remind you of Jane?

I really gotta stop these weekly lunches.

Should've kept the old gray mare.

Your ratings ain't what they used to be.

- I hear your days are numbered, boy-o.


Oh, this just might be the phone call that changes all that.

- Hey!

- Hold for Congressman Ryan.

- Lower the capital gains tax.

- MSNBC and Bloomberg are on hold.

Deregulate the financial industry.

Deregulate the deregulate everything!

- Congressman.

- Thank you.

Dan Egan, to what do I owe the pleasure of this there is no f*cking way I am going on your show!

- Jonah.

- Hold for Congressman Ryan.

Don't budge on the debt ceiling until you get a private meeting with the president.

You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.

There's no way you're gonna get a meeting with Montez, no matter what Fyvush Fuckhole here says.

Well, Fyvush Fuckhole disagrees.

We're gonna hold out for the meeting.

I'll be in my car getting drunk.

Hi, Danny.

I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to "SPIDER-MAN: Turn Off the Dark.

" That that show closed years ago.

Hold for the congressman.

I have another offer coming.

No, wait!

Jonah, I will give you the questions in advance.


Four tickets to "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark"?

No problemo.

It'll be right after the interview.

- Best seats in the house.

- sh1t!

Give no, no.

Hey, Jonah.

Jonah, hang up on him.

Greg is basic cable Are these from Trader Joe's?

They're delicious.

Oh, no, they're from Costco.

I get them in a five-gallon bucket.

Look, Jonah, just tell me what you want.

I want you and I to party like we did back when we were best friends.

Uh, when ex uh yes.



Well, then, I guess we have a deal.

You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead.

He was a touring member from '90 to '92.

He never officially joined.

I wonder if we should get married in the fall or at New Year's.

- Oh, I always thought - I was talking to my father.

CANDI: Ma'am, will you be okay with Congressman Ryan?

- Alone?

- She'll what?

She'll be fine!

Actually, why don't you stay, Candi?

Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president.

- Oh!

- I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president?

Of course I'm not.

Why would I say I would?

- Why would you say you wouldn't?

- Because I wouldn't!

I think maybe your people should come in, too.

- Gentlemen!

- BEN: What did he do, ma'am?


I didn't do anything!

Well, he threatened to not rape the president.

Yeah, that's not a threat, that's a promise.

Okay, Congressman, first of all, let me congratulate you.

You have accomplished more in one month than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime.

- That's very kind of you to say, ma'am.

- Shut the f*ck up.

This is my final offer, all right?

Tell Tanz he can have his deregulation of the payday loan industry, tripling of the private prison tax incentives Nice.

and the sentencing reform rollbacks for the mentally ill.

And you'll get rid of Daylight Savings Time?

- Oh, my - Saving.

I cannot do that.

That is an impossible request.

- Why, because I'm Jewish?

- Excuse me?

- He's not Jewish yet, ma'am.

- Yeah, but I only have two months left of those Jiffy Jew classes.

And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.

- Wow.

- And as an almost-Jew, I will not stand by with this anti-almost-Semitism.

Why don't you take it up with the Anti-Defamation League?

- The f*ck is that?

- Wow!


My offer's not gonna be on the table for long.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Wow, Gary!


- What is this crystal?

- I know!

It's Vintage Baccarat.

- It's really gorgeous.

- JAFFAR: Selina.

- Hi.

- Yeah.

- So, I just heard back from Quartie.

- Right, and?

- He was intrigued but reluctant.

- Oh!

- Why?


- He's one of those real good ol' boys and he thinks that you're a little Upper East Side.

Are you kidding me?


- Yeah.

You know, like a snob.

- You've gotta be kidding me.

Well, like Eva Gabor in "Green Acres.

" You had "Green Acres" in Qatar?

Oh, yes, but they censored all the scenes with Arnold Ziffel.

You know, I'm technically from the South.

- Oh, is that right?

- Yeah, Maryland had slaves.

They just didn't secede.

- So, they had it both ways?

- Like Gary's dad.

You know what, Gary?

Can we invite Quartie to your party?

- Ooh, that's a good idea.

- Give the good ol' boy a good ol' time?

It's kind of a sit-down dinner, so.

- Yeah, but, I mean - Who cares?

- BOTH: Yeah.

- Party on.

- Great!

- Okay!

I'll show that oil-splatted cow-fucker that I'm open-minded and nonjudgmental.

- I love it.


SELINA: Hey, Gary?


I'm wondering if a sit-down dinner is a little stuffy these days.



- Well - Maybe.

I wanna look at the menu.

And I gotta say I'm not sure this crystal is right.

- I think it's a little elitist.

- I know!

- But not in a good way.

- Oh.

- Yeah, let's get rid of it.

- Oh.

But make a mental note of exactly what this pattern is 'cause maybe we'll rent it for my birthday.

AMY: Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, we would be working at the White House right now instead of hunting for your diary at a f*cking truck stop in which I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed or get their assholes licked.

Well, after I ate, I went right to the bathroom because things started loosening up, you know.

- Whenever I drink coffee, usually - I do not need details!

Okay, let's see here.

- Ha ha!



- Bingo!

- Oh, God, thank you!

Got it.

My jacket.

- And?

- And what?

Oh, no diary.


Mike, I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.

It's not urine, okay?

It's probably just water from the urinal.

- Let's go.

- Hang on.

God, Jesus!

I can tell you that the diary is not in your ass crack because I have had a very good view of the strawberry fields for the last hour.

Look, I lost my belt, okay?

When I went through security at Dulles, I I left it at security.

Maybe the diary's there.

Okay, now we're going to Dulles.

- Can we get a quick stack of pancakes?

- No!

What about my look and my makeup?

I was thinking a smoky bronze eye.

Okay, yeah, good.

Well, well, look at you big-shot Washington insider making like an Avon lady.

- Well, the president - Don't interrupt me, boy!

Smoky bronze eye?

God, don't you know that woman needs a pop of color?

Classic red lip.

- That's what she needs.

- Hmm.

- Ma'am.

- How are you?


You can't let your father talk to you like that.

He's always interrupting you and insulting you.

You're absolutely right.

I've got to You have to stand up for yourself, stupid.

I'm gonna tell you something that I haven't told anybody but Mama.

Dear Lord.

And I'm gonna tell it tonight at the party.

When I was a kid, I was a bit of a tomboy, okay?


All I wanted to do was go hunting with Judge, that's it.

But he was always off with Teddy, who was kind of the first Bobby - and all this kind of stuff.

- Yeah, I think you need to But then on my 10th birthday, he finally took me out hunting.

And then all of a sudden, this squirrel just popped out.


I squeezed my eyes shut, I pulled the trigger.

Well, the recoil just knocked me out cold.

- Oh.

- When I came to, the judge was standing over me with a squirrel.

- You were passed out?

- Yeah.

- And he was standing over you?

- Yeah.

Did you have your pants on?


Of course I did.

What are you talking about?

But listen, what the judge doesn't know is that when I was lying down, I kind of saw that he pulled the squirrel out of his pocket.

I didn't hit anything.

He just wanted me to feel like a man.

He had a dead animal in his pocket the whole time?

And you know what I did with it?

I skinned it and I made a fur vest and matching boots for my G. I. Joe doll.

Bam, sucker!

- Neat.


- RICHARD: Ma'am?

- Yeah.

Mike and Amy texted that they had to head up to the National Archives.


Richard, what do you know about jug bands?

- Everything.

- Ugh, what would I do without you?

Well, vice versa, ma'am, so.

I will tell you one thing I think Judge was right about the lip color.

- He always is.

- Yeah.

BEN: Jonah, you have to take the Montez deal.

I never thought you'd last more than a week, but right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington and still get reelected in November.

f*ck Daylight Savings Time, all right?

Just take the deal and you could be governor or senator or, God help us, who knows?

Thank you for your input.

It's very much appreciated.

You can clean out your office.

I don't have an office.

I share a desk with Kent.

Well, then you can clean out your half-desk.

- It's empty.

- You're fired.

- Okay.

- All right.

- See you around never, Ben - Cafferty.


- Am I fired, too, or?

- No, no.

Very well.

Quartie's gonna love this.


Ma'am, this doesn't seem right.

- GARY: No.

- Yeah, let's lose it.

- All right, losing the flag.

- No, no, no, the birthday sign.

- Oh.

- JAFFAR: Selina, look who I found.

- Who are all these people?

- Your guests!

- Hello!

- Madam President, let me introduce you to Quartie Sturges.

Quartie, President Meyer.

You need to call me Selina.

- Okay?

- All right, Selina.

It is so nice to see you south of the Mason-Dixon line without your campaign bus behind you.


I think you're teasing me.

You know, President Hughes said the nicest things about you.

Oh, my goodness, I wish I could say the same thing.

- We need a drink.


- I'm seven years sober, ma'am.

- Uh-oh!

You know, my mother was an alcoholic.

She was a real mean drunk.

Are you mean when you drink?



SELINA: I get that sense.

What is this?

This is the biggest one you could get?

It's only got four wheels and there's no f*cking hot tub in the back.

Just get in the car before someone sees us, Malcolm No-Sex.

- It's all right, playa.

- Okay, fine.

- Damn.

- Yeah.

We're gonna f*ck bitches till they in stitches.

Actually, I'm just kidding.

I got engaged.

- Did you hear that?

- Is she a foreigner?

No, just Jewish.

Oh, what's up now?

9-11, bitches!

We're gonna fly two planes into the club!

Next stop, "Green-wich" Village!

Here we go, let's go!

Let's go oh, f*ck!

Hey, you could've killed me!

QUARTIE: That's the problem with you New Yorkers you don't appreciate fine weaponry in your Bloomingdale's and your Zabar's.

- Quartie, I'm a country girl.

- Uh-huh.


I think you keep forgetting that like you forgot to clean up that oil spill of yours in the Gulf.

- Very good, very good.

- Okay, okay.

Good, good.

You know, this band hasn't played together since the Great Washboard Feud.

- Is that so?

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Brian.

Brian, Beth!

Where you guys going?

You're the only people I know left.

We're just uncomfortable around so many Confederate flags.

- And the lawn jockeys.

- Sorry.

- BOTH: Happy birthday.

- Oh, thank you, thank you.

- Gary?

- Yeah?

- Not a lot of vegetarian options.

- I know.

I'm sorry, Marjorie.

Oh, God, what a mean face.




Hush up, y'all.

I just wanna say a few words for Gary Walsh's 40th birthday.


- Who's Gary?

Like Gary, I, too, was born in the glory that is the deep south of Maryland.

So, you know, Gary and I both have our swimming holes and our fishing holes and all the holes you could ever possibly want.

Right, Quartie?

But I wanna tell you this one particular story that's one of my favorite Southern memories.

It's when my daddy first took me hunting for rabbits.

And I gotta tell you, my rifle was bigger than I was.

- I was just a tiny, little thing.


But the Second Amendment certainly did guarantee my right to use it.

- Ho!

Damn straight, huh?

- That's right.

So, anyway, I aim my shotgun at one of those rascals and, gosh darn it, the recoil plumb knocked me on my behind.


I'm learning so much about Selina tonight.

- SELINA: Sure enough, when I came to - Me, too.

I should update her Wikipedia page.

showed me the rabbit that I shot.

But what my daddy didn't know and I'm sorry if I get a little emotional telling this story is that I saw him pull that dead rabbit out of his pocket.

He just wanted to make his little girl as happy as a hound dog with a horse's Johnson.


But at any rate, happy birthday, Gary.

And I think the birthday boy would like to say a few words.

Would you like to say a few words, Gar?

Gary, you wanna come up?

- No.

- No?


I think he's feeling a little shy, so, um, thank you all so much, and y'all enjoy the party and have a good time.

- Yeah!

- SELINA: Well, all right!

- Thank you!

Thank you.


- That was amazing.

- Yeah.

As my father used to say, "If that speech was a horse, it'd be a unicorn.


- "Magical!" I wanna put that rabbit story in the book.

Actually, Amy's in charge of the book.

- Amy's not in charge of anything.

- I wish I had a pen.

I just remembered I have a photographic memory.

Oh, perfect!

Perfect, perfect.

- Can I talk to you just a second?

- I wanna talk to you, too.

- Yeah.

- Gary, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We have run out of bourbon, so do you think we could borrow some of your daddy's bourbon from his stash?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Good, good.

Great, great.

I think that went well.

There you are.

I've been look Oh, my God.

I'm I'm so sorry.

There there's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, and I need you to not be mad at me because I just I just had I had one bite.

Brought you a second plate with extra pork chops.

Imogene, not now.

- I don't know who you are anymore.




- Stewart, is that you?

Jesus, Mary, and Robert E.

Lee, Gary!

- You startled me.

- What are you doing Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no.

You snooping on me?

- No, I wasn't snooping - Oh, and what are you doing?

Did your lady boss send you down to get her "tampoons," did she?

No, that's not till next week.

- Where you going?

Hey, where you going?

- Excuse me.

I tell you, if more people would've seen that side of you during the election, my God, you would've gotten their vote and you would've gotten mine.

I think you probably would've won.

Well, I'm telling you something, I wanna talk to you, Quartie, about the library that I'm planning now.

- It's a - Gary, don't you walk away from me, boy!


I ain't through with you yet.


That's my son, I guess.

Nail buffer to the lady president.

- Just shut up, Daddy!


I am so sick of you lording over me how much you know about football and hair color and how much better dead baby Bruce is than me!

I know all about you.

I know your secret.

You are you are a bully!

- No, that's not it.

- You're a big, fat, flaming bully!

And you know what, you can take Teddy and Bobby and Stewart and the other Bobby, and you can be their daddy!

- Eh, getting warmer.

- Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna slow dance with Mama.


- Mama.


Of course, Gary.

Hey, everybody eat!

STEVIE: Danny, where the f*ck were you?

I've been trying to call you all night.

A it's Dan, and B I don't have my phone because this morning's guest dropped it over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl.

" Scrappiest underdog in cinematic history.

Congressman Ryan, welcome back.

We painted the green room green this time so there wouldn't be any confusion.

Oh, perfect.

Thank you, yeah.

Hey, handsome.

Let the record state I did try to call you.

What is the Host of Christmas Past doing here?

- Our interview.

Checkers, bitch.

- Are you f*cking kidding me?!

Dan, you've heard the old saying, "You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.

" You're giving her the interview?

I absolutely am because I hate your stupid, perfect face, and when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe.

I just can't hear that story enough.

- Thank you, Congressman.

- You're welcome.

Dan, great to see you.

I had fun last night.

- Congressman.

- It was fun.

- Come on with me.

- Be right with you.

Well, congratulations, Jane.

- Yeah.

- You finally f*cked me.

In the face.

AMY: Do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs?

- That's why you should adopt, Amy.

- I'm not adopting.

The other day, Ellen was in her closet, eating cello bow rosin I really don't care, Mike.

- Okay, all right.

Never mind.

- Just I really don't care.



Here it is!

Oh, my God, my house keys!

This is the luckiest day ever!

- Did you guys find a belt?

- No belts.

Wait, this is Leon West's diary.

- What?


Oh, my God, it is.

So, where's yours?

And the little boy with the broken roller skates?

He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.

- Who, sadly, was assassinated.

- Mm.

And now it's my pleasure to welcome back an old, old friend, senior correspondent Jane McCabe.

If you don't already know my first guest's name, - you've been hiding under a rock.

- Uh, it's Jonah Ryan.

- Joining me this morning is Jonah Ryan.


Thank you, Jane, for having me in.

Breaking news from Washington, DC, where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown.

I'm sorry, what?

We go live to the White House.

No, we don't.

No, we Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to say that we found a way to reach across the partisan divide and build a bridge.

You've gotta be kidding me!

I did not authorize I'd like to thank Congressman Clarence Clark and his Libertonians.

- I did not approve this!

- Thank you, Congressman.



He's pissing himself!

- JONAH: Start asking questions!

- Oh.

Ooh, beat my wife with a frying pan, it's even hotter today.

Y'all, I'm sorry that Judge couldn't be here to say goodbye.

He went off this morning on a business trip with Stewart to Key West.

Ooh, I bet he went off to one of his special holes.

Hey, you two girls, how you doing?

- Yeah, we just cried a lot.

- But we're stronger for it.

Yeah, I'm glad we're going in separate cars, I can tell you that.

Imogene, thank you so much.

Oh, you take good care of my Gary, okay?

- I want grandkids.

- Yeah, sure, you do whatever you want.

Ma'am, you got a text from Ambassador Jaffar.

He said he talked to Quartie, who said, "He took to you - like a hog to persimmons. " - Is that a good thing?

- Well, they cause diarrhea in hogs.

- Oh, well And Quartie said, "All that hollering was a hoot," and he wants to make a large donation to the library.

- Oh, that's fantastic!

- IMOGENE: Oh, Gary, it's just too long between visits.

You got such a hard job.

- There's so much I wanna say to you, Mama.

- Well, we just won't say it.

Gary, it's 100-and-fuck degrees.

Let's go!

- Come on!

My God in heaven.

- I love you, Mama.

SELINA: Take it easy, Imogene.


Are you still not talking to me?


Because I'm not going to apologize, you know?

I would if I had something to apologize for, but I don't.

I certainly don't need to apologize for anything.

Okay, lookit, politicians borrow stuff all the time.

- Personal stories?

- Absolutely.

I mean, you should be honored that I would think your story was special enough to even consider using it.

Did you really like it?

It's actually it's like what my daddy used to say.

He used to say, "If that story was like a horse, it'd be a unicorn.

'Cause it was magical. " - Oh.

- Mm-hmm.

- That's nice.

- I did come all this way.

I know.

You know, like, a thousand miles or something, so - I know.

- I wish you'd be a little more grateful.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- That's okay.

I accept your apology.

- GARY: Ooh.

- What is this?

It's a children's portion, too.

- No.

- Yeah.

No wonder you had a heart attack when you were 39.

All right, get in there.

Just tear that animal apart!

Oh, my God.


- Mmm.

- Oh, yeah.

- Ooh, it's kind of messy.

- Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

- Mmm.

- Way ahead of you.

- Mmm.

- Look at that.

Thank you.

- Mmm.

- Yep.

There we go.


You've got to admit I told it better, though.

Yeah, you did.

You did.

So, I just told the senator that that is a non-denial denial - like in "All the President's Men.


It's uh sorry it's got Robert Redford.


- Nope, not taking that one.

All right, cool.

I'll see you at lunch or around the office.