07x04 - South Carolina

RICHARD: Madam President, Congressman Ryan, I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurline.

- Oh, of course.

I understand.

- Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you.

Uh, me too.

AMY: Ma'am, the U. S.

Attorney's Office has impaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meyer Fund.

Madame P, got a moment?

Can you f*ck off?

I have always tried to be there for you.

Well, how come you failed me in algebra, Mr.


It would be really good if we adopted another baby from China.

How would you like the chance to help lead a visibly repugnant underdog to historic victory?

You want me to join Jonah's campaign?

SELINA: How about, for once in your life, you stop whining, you stop complaining, - and just man up?

- (applause) (cheering) Get outta my way.

Thank you, New Hampshire, for manning up!

What started in Iowa with a come-from-behind, second-place finish has built here tonight into an all-out victory!

(crowd cheering) And now it's on to South Carolina and then back to the White House!

(recorded music playing) That's right, you heard me Back to the White House!

(music, cheering) SELINA: We're going back Which one of you donkey-dongs was in charge of the balloons?

- Believe it or not, Amy.

- She's still f*ckin' up?

She hasn't worked here for months!

Does anyone have her new email address?

"Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.

It's universal.

Men hate women, women hate themselves.

The Geraldine Ferraro principle.

Hey, ma'am, I was hoping I could have some more responsibility Yes.

Can you make me a waxing appointment in Charleston?

- I'm feeling patriotic.

- Full bald eagle.

Ma'am, South Carolina is gonna be tough.

- Black people love me.

- GARY: Love.

Did you know Dr.

Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader, he once said to me - BEN: You told me this.

- MARJORIE: We're aware.

This is a classic.

He once said to me that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.

BEN: Ma'am, you do know that this time you're running against an actual black person?

SELINA: She's not even all-black.

Plus, I'm gonna be Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around till I tear my rotator cuff.

Absolutely not, Mother.

I have been working for you for 18 years - without a promotion.

- Right.

But some people kinda think I deserve a bigger role in the campaign this time.

What kind of role was your mother thinking of?

I thought everybody kind of did the same thing.

Ma'am, our faith-based outreach program is kind of a disaster.

OK, so give Gary the face-based thing.

- It's "faith-based.

" - I don't care.

I gotta get a little shut-eye before we land.

Can we have the lights out, please?

Thank you.

DAN: Hey, Ben, do you have the county-by-county - SELINA: No talking!

- GARY: No talking!

- (clatter) - SELINA: I'm hearing moving!

(theme music playing) JONAH: I can't believe I got sixth place.

It is time for us to head over to the electoral scrapyard and see if we can sell your endorsement for parts.

OK, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off.

- You have time for a drink beforehand?

- Mmm.

NANCY: Well, you're still my favorite son, Jonie.

How does Butt-Buddy Calhoun do one percent better than me?

Well, you had three percent and he had four, so actually, he did 33% better.

Don't math me, Lloyd.

Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.

Modern math was invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

(mocking) You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

(laughing) Burn.

Sorry, Dad.

Okay, Jonie, please, don't yell at Lloyd.

Please, he's just Sorry, what is that on your finger?

- Is that a ring?

- LLOYD: Well, I asked your mom to marry me again, and I'm hoping we can get your blessing.

- No!

You don't have it - (man laughing) Oh!

Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, they're f*cking again?!

I'm sorry I'm late.

The Meyer victory party's still raging.

They got some great coke.

I can't believe you backed another candidate, Uncle Judas.

- When I'm president - Shut the f*ck up!

When you're president?!

I'll jam my fist up my dick hole and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery when you're president!

Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate, not a human pool skimmer last used to de-spunk a Provincetown hot tub party!

Congratulations, Sis.

Let me know where to send the gift.

Spoiler alert: It's Danish cutlery.

Thanks, Jeff.

See ya in church on Sunday.


I need my tea.

Marjorie: And a well-done egg white frittata.

Here you are, ma'am.


That startled me.

Why are you Gary?

He had an early morning meeting.

You can't just replace Gary with another lesbian and think that I'm not gonna notice what Mmm.

Wow, this tea is the perfect temperature.

Thank you, ma'am.

I learned from an Afghani warlord.

We should put him on the payroll.

- You killed him in a drone strike.

- Oh, well.

I laid out your outfit for the day.


Oh, wow!

I never thought before to put the Bottega pumps with the Michael Kors top.

You've been taking fashion advice from a man who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.

That's a solid point.

- Oh!

Is this edible?

- No, ma'am.



- (knocking) - GARY: Hello.

- Mr.


I'm Blake Stein.

- Nice to meet you.

- We're all ready to - Ahh!




Did you see the spread that I ordered?

These are fresh bagels from New York, which I'm very excited about 'cause the president hates bagels Shh-shh-shh and she can't even be in the same room with donuts.

Uh, so why don't we get started?

Of course, of course, I've love that.

I would love that.

Here we go.

(chuckles) - (whispers) Mr. Walsh.

- Yeah?

This is your meeting.

You're in charge.

Oh, I know.

I know.

I know.

Of course.

Can I make anyone a plate?

(knock on door) What up, Mojo?

When are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest?

You have ten minutes.

I started timing the moment you knocked.

- AMY: Ma'am!

So good to see you again.

- Amy!

How is that baby?

Must be gettin' big.

It's great.

So the reason that we are here is Yeah.

Congressman Ryan is considering stepping aside - and endorsing you - I want vice president.

- That's not negotiable.

- Let's go.

No, I'm willing to negotiate.

What about Department of the Exterior?


We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy?

Amy, Amy, I mean (Selina laughs) Oh, God.

If Ellen had a little sister from China, it might help her bond with Mike.

Or, uh, I could bond with the new one.

Tell 'em about your big new job, Mike.

Oh, gosh, yeah!

I have my own webcast on BuzzFeed.

I call it "McLintalk.

" A-L-K?

It would be funny if you were American.

So, is Is everything all right?

Just one last question, Mr.

McLintock, are you still close with President Selina Meyer?

Full disclosure: She still doesn't like when I eat in front of her.

- Very good.

Very good!

- WENDY: Very good!

GANG-HUA LI: If you will just head down the hallway, we will have you sign the application.

- Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- Mr.


- Yeah?

I was wondering if you could deliver a message to President Meyer for me?

Remembering things and reporting them back to people is not my strong suit, but I could write it down.

Please don't write it down.


JORDAN THOMAS: My father started this youth center for one reason You gotta keep the kids off the streets.

That's right.

Gangs and What you need is more police protection.

As you know, the police are doing most of the shootings.

Yeah, well, the police are out of control.

Let me give you the rest of the tour.

- OK.


- MARJORIE: Ma'am, last month a local eight-year-old boy was shot by police when his candy bar was mistaken for a gun.

And how was I supposed to know that?

It was in today's Line-By-Line.

You know I don't read what you give me.

JORDAN: Thought I lost you!

Let's continue the tour.

Come on, kids are waiting.

SELINA: Your father was such a great man, and you have inherited not only his good looks, but also his charisma!

Now I'm blushin' and a little bit crushin'.

I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement this time around.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- You're gonna make me say it?

- Say what?

(laughs) She gonna make me say it!

We've got a sister runnin', ya know.

We got race in the race.

Praise Jesus!



I, you know, (sing-songy) Progress!

But your daddy used to say to me that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.

Can I tell you something?

My dad said that to a lot of white women.

That was his move.

(laughing) Now you know.


I would love to see you at services on Sunday, and I would love it if you would speak to the congregation.

Well, I'm I'm, uh, I'm pretty booked up.


Just take it away.

AMY: Senator Talbot, we believe you are positioned to win the nomination, and we might be considering suspending Congressman Ryan's campaign.

Definitely the right move.


Ask me what's on my mind.


What's on your mind, Congressman Ryan?

I'm glad you asked, because my mind's on my money and my money's on my mind.

Laid back.

JONAH: I thought she'd be more I thought you'd be more familiar.

I mean, did you at least watch Martin?

- "Damn, Gina!" - We should go.


She asked.

Just let us know if we can be of any help.

Could you give me HUD?

Nobody cares about it.

It's like the fat girl of Cabinet posts.

Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi mail pieces just came in.

What the tragic mulatto f*ck?

Kemi looks like an albino.

And I'm so black, people are gonna start calling me articulate.

Hey, ma'am.

Presenting my first faith-based outreach video.

- MAN: Outreach.

Reaching out.

- No.


Look, guys, if we're not getting the black vote, then we have to take a hard turn to the white.

Kent, how are we doing with non-college-educated whites?

- Look at this.

- KENT: Underwater, ma'am.

Then how about college-educated whites?

Uh, in South Carolina, that is not a significant slice of the pie.

Then we're gonna have to find a way with non-college-educated whites.

Like, what appeals to them What appeals to them?

What do they want?

Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, education, and an adequate safety net - Okay, not gonna speak to that.

- I'm not finished, ma'am.

"to be denied to African Americans.

" - (Gary's video playing) - My video could help, actually.

- No!

- (gasps) Listen, we have to find a way to say those things without actually saying them.

- Like a dog whistle.

- Yes, exactly!


You could talk about charter schools.

Mention something Come on, that's like a dog whisper.

You could "reject" an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group.

That's like a dog exploding space shuttle.

I need something loud, not too loud like Dog chainsaw?

- No, that's too droney.

- MARJORIE: A dog snowmobile.

Why would I know what that even sounds like?

I mean, seriously.

- I'm sorry, ma'am.

- A dog leaf blower?

- Yeah, I like that.


- That's right.

- Steady.

- exactly like a dog chainsaw - (all arguing indistinctly) - (Gary's video playing) Okay, this is closed.

I don't know this is closed.

Wait a minute What is Gary doing here?

This is my first strategic meeting at the big table.

Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front of huge white audiences.



Something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert, you know?

Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people.

Okay, well, right?

I know.

MIKE: Hey, guys!

Big news.

Wendy and I are adopting another Chinese baby.

Where are you registered?

Child Protective Services?

No, Gymboree.

I love that they make clothes in your size now, Mike.

- Oh, gosh, ma'am.

I forgot.

- Yeah?

The guy at the Chinese consulate said he had a message for you from President Liu.

Wait, what?

He said, "President Liu is watching the election with great interest and hopes to return to your conversation about the Diaoyu Islands in the near future.

Hey, can you go look at, uh, Gary's faith video?

- Yeah, we need some help.

- Oh, sure.

- You need the McLintock spin?

- Sure.

Oh, hey, ma'am, you got a moment?


- Copy that.

What the f*ck was out!

What was that?!

Liu sent you a message inside Mike.

A misfortune cookie.

Who cares about an island that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it?

The Diaoyu Islands are important to the Chinese militarily, but the United States still does not recognize them as Chinese territory.

Surely Liu recognizes that I can't recognize diddly-squat, unless You become President.

So what?

You think that Liu is trying to help me become Don't finish that sentence, ma'am.

We can't have this discussion.

We are still a nation of laws.

- "Ish.

" - "Esque.

" Of course, but let's be clear about what we're not talking about.


We are not talking about letting the Chinese influence our presidential election, and certainly not in exchange for me recognizing those islands.

And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention that you cannot trust the Chinese.

And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute.

Wait, they will or they won't?

I don't know.

Well, I mean, can't we "not" not do the thing that we're not talking about?

I'm totally lost.

Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo heard any of that?

- I don't think so.

- No?

Okay, good.

Fire her anyway just to be sure.

Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.

- Oh, ma'am, big news - Yeah?

Tom James called.

He wants a meeting.

Is he dropping out?

A James endorsement right now would be a game changer.

SELINA: Set it up.

I wanna see Tommy beg.

So, how's Little Richard doing with solid foods?

Don't ask me, ask her.

Apparently, she's in charge of him now.

Catherine, please don't this.

You stole our baby and you took him to church.

He saw a male Jesus.

When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out.

Richard, what's that noise?

Oh, it's a crop duster.

They usually fly pretty low.

- Can you say "airplane?"

- RICHARD: Not that low.

- Oh, sweet male Jesus!

- PASSERBY: (panicked yelling) MARJORIE AND CATHERINE: Richard?

- MARJORIE: Are you okay?

- (crop duster crashes) (knocking on door) Gary.

You're growing your hair.

That's an amusing joke, Senator James.

Senator, hello.

TOM JAMES: Madam President.

Marjorie, thanks very much.

You can leave.

Or I could stay.

Uh, for safety's sake.

I'm a model of discretion.

Oh, you can be discreet out in the hallway.

You just left her in there?

With him?

I was following orders.

So was Hitler.

Marjorie, there's something that you need to see.

Catherine, Little Richard is not sick.

Please stop taking his temperature.

No, it's big Richard.

(yelps) (whimpers) REPORTER: I'm here reporting from Lurlene, Iowa, where earlier today an airplane crashed into the local 7-Eleven.

Miraculously, there were no fatalities, due in no small part to the heroics of Lurlene's own mayor, Richard Splett.

Mayor Splett, what happened?

Uh, well, a crop duster clipped a power line and bumped into a local 7-Eleven.

We're working with FEMA to bring in emergency supplies and cigarettes.

I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

SELINA: All right, Senator James, what's it gonna be?

I've heard you had a yen for Treasury.

I think a lot of my supporters would actually think that State was more appropriate.


Things are that bad at home, huh?

Let's just say a few international tours would ease domestic tensions.

(laughs) Well, it's pretty early days, though.

You know, and still moving pieces around Foggy Bottom is a pretty big plum to be giving away so soon.

Although Secretary of State is only really powerful if he or she has a close personal relationship with the president.

I don't know.

Tom, I have to tell you, I'm really not convinced.

Well, if you like, I could walk you through my foreign policy ideas.

You familiar with "peace through strength"?


Keep talkin' like Reagan, I'll work it like Nancy.

- BUDDY: Congressman.

- Governor.

Were you followed?

I don't know.

So, what would you offer me as far as a cabinet position in exchange for my endorsement?


I guess we got ourselves a "Gift of the Magi" situation here.

I was gonna ask you for the same thing.

Wait, you're dropping out?


Maybe not.

But I was gonna ask you for Secretary of Interior.

Were you gonna ask for Interior and then settle for HUD?

Dang it.

So busted.

(chuckles) Hey, is that Amy?

Oh, she said to say no.

- Oh.

- AMY: Get in the car.

No, yeah, that's definitely Amy.

Oh, all right.

- See you later, man.


- Good luck, bro.

SELINA: Oh, morning, boys.

ALL: Morning, ma'am.

Our good friend Tom James just called a press conference.

- Oh, has he now?


- DAN: Yes.

I need fruit.

- On it.

- On it.

I'm on it.

- Ma'am?

- SELINA: Yeah?

Please tell me you didn't promise him State?

There is no way I would appoint anyone competent to anything in my cabinet.


Thank you for coming.

Hope I can Cloud berries are organic and Icelandic.

How lovely.

I have decided to suspend my campaign for President of the United States.

- Aww, no.

Tom, say it ain't so.

- (all groaning) REPORTER: Will you be making an endorsement?

I'd like to give my strongest and most full-throated support to the person who has proven time and time again to be a born leader.

I wonder who that could be.

I don't know who that is.

(all laughing) but unfortunately that candidate has not yet emerged and shows no sign of doing so.

- Huh?

- TOM: These are early days.

There's a lot of moving pieces, - but I will not be endorsing just yet.

- No, no, no, no.


Thank you, and God bless America.

He just f*cked me right in the ass!

Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you.

That, too!

Ma'am, it's time to just give up on South Carolina.

- No, no!

Move, move!

- (all arguing indistinctly) Are you kidding me?

We can't let Kemi get a foothold in South Carolina.


Oh, I'll You call Dr.

Thomas and you tell him, yeah, I'll speak before his congregation tomorrow.

Ma'am, we need white voters.

- I mean that's, that's not gonna work.

- Selina: Yeah.

It will if I give a speech in support of local law enforcement and that cop who killed that kid who threatened him with the candy bar!

Wh okay, so you wanna blow a dog whistle in a black church?

I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle while you're raping somebody.

- Exactly.

- Speak truth to powerless.

I like that very much.

Write that down, Leon.

- I will do that.

- Here's the fruit.


If I wanna pretend to be in the CNN green room, I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call that Christiane Amanpour.

TANZ: Jonah-lah!

What's this meshugas about you dropping out of the race?

That can't happen.



Tanz, they say that I have no chance of winning.

Who said anything about winning?


I thought you said I was gonna be president.

No, you did.

(chuckles) Made me chuckle every time.

I never thought you could win.

Well, then why the f*ck am I running, sir?

As terribly as you're doing, you're still winning delegates.

Mostly crazy cuckoos, but you multiply that by fifty states, I can force the party to make some tweaks to the platform at the convention.

Stricter marijuana laws!


I need potheads in my prisons.

Otherwise it's just murderers and rapists.

It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere.

I wish I'd aborted myself.

Wait, so no one's really trying to make me president?

- No.

- Wait, so this is all just to keep The Chronic illegal?

Now he gets it!

Plus, I need more casino licenses for Macau.

I know it sounds a little specific, but in the end it'll benefit all Americans.



JORDAN THOMAS JR. : President Selina Meyer.

- Hello, Reverend.

- Good for you, girl.

I can't believe you did this.

- Yeah.

- You don't quit.

- No, I don't.

- Oh, I like that.

- Do you?



- I do.

- And I love that little hat.

- Thank you.

Yeah, this whole congregation's gonna love that little hat.

(laughs) (chuckles) Oh, God, I think he has a crush on me.

- Yeah.

- He does not, ma'am.

Oh, come on.

I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie.

- Okay.

- I mean, not that it matters.

He certainly isn't gonna after I read this manifesto.

Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am?

Oh, granted.


JORDAN THOMAS, JR. : Good morning, everybody.

CONGREGATION: Good morning.

Uh, we have a special guest today.

I'm pretty sure that you can imagine that I'm a firm supporter of the separation of church and state.

(congregation exclaiming agreement) - Because this is the Lord's house.

- (all exclaiming agreement) Not the White House.

But soon to be the "Black House.

" (al cheering) Brothers and sisters, please welcome President Selina Meyer.

Thank you.

Thank you, Reverend.


- Good morning.

- CONGREGATION: Good morning.

I don't need to tell you that church is a special place.


JORDAN THOMAS, JR. : That's right.

But it's also a place for truth, isn't it?

That's right.

That's right.

And what happened recently in your community to that young boy is very sad.


But here's the hard truth.

- There are many victims here.

- (muttering) SEINA: And you might not wanna hear this.

But the real victims are the police (muttering) "ing.

" Policing that America does in the South China Sea.

That's right.

I went there.

It is time for America to recognize Chinese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed.

Can I get an amen?

- WOMAN: What?

- Amen.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Mike McLintock, and Mc-welcome to the first episode of "McLintock "I mean "talk.

" Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive.

We are getting the first national interview with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, who it turns out is not a dog, but a human.

Mayor Richard Splett, are you there?

Hi, Mike.

Big fan of the show.

Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven?

Oh, I'm no hero.

I'm just a mayor who now, temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office.

- Well - I need my iPad.

(sighs) Mayor Splett, did you realize what you were doing was so courageous?

- Oh, good question.

- Thank you.

It's actually Wendy's.

I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there.

Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

You heard it here first.

Stick around for more McLintock with Mike McLin-talk.

KEITH: Spare a nanosecond for First Mate Quinn?

What do you want, Keith?



Wo zai zehli bangmang.

Uh, is that Mandarin?

Yes, it was.

I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia who have a strong interest in Sino-American relations, and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon.

(laughs) I don't know what you're talking about I would say that we're well past the point of plausible deniability at this point.

I you know, I haven't committed to, um, anything - Well, actually - Hi, ma'am.

- Yeah?

- Can I share the news with you?

- What?

- You need to hear this.


Faith-based initiative just raised twenty-five million dollars.


Way to go, buddy!

All of a sudden, out of nowhere!



Um Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am.


It must've been the video I made, right?

Well, I can't think of any other reason.

Well, let's be honest.

God had a lot to do with it, too.

- Oh, sure!


- (laughs) It's a miracle.

Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars on some racist robo callers.

- Praise the Lord.

- Right?

JONAH: Thank you.

You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence or the "tentrament" to be president?

- My very own campaign staff.

- (muttering) JONAH: That's right.

They have been trying to stop me from becoming president.

- (booing) - JONAH: Yeah, no yeah, boo!

Let 'em have it.

That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer.

She recently had an abortion.

And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated.

- (gasping) - And that guy right there, that's Eric something.

- Bill Ericsson.

- That's Eric Bill Ericsson, and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room.

- (booing) - I've never seen anything like this.

He's actually running against his own campaign.

Macau, here we come.

And one more thing.

I just found out from my stupid stepfather that TEDDY: Father-in-law!

from my stupid stepfather-in-law that math was created by Muslims.

(shouting) Yeah.

And we teach this Islamic math to children.

Math teachers are terrorists.

(gasping) - I love this.

- Okay.

That, that's it.

I may be a registered s*x offender, but I cannot be a part of this.

I'm, I'm gone.


More like Al Jazeera.

Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children.

- Amy, are you coming?

- JONAH: There will be no more math.

One sec.

JONAH AND CROWD: (chanting) No more math!

God f*ck America.

No more math!

No more math!

JONAH AND CROWD: (chanting) No more math!

(grunts) No are you She's fine.

She's fine.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in a Denny's.

- All right.

So, how's the turnout?

- BEN: Uh, like my prostate.

Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

(overlaps) Oh, sh1t.

We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement.

All right.

Well, that's terrible but also inspiring.

Welcome to "McLintock Embedded.

" - Oh!

We're live.

- Madam President, would you like to say something to our viewers?

Sure, um, if you haven't voted, please Oh, sorry.

I'm getting a call.

I apologize, it's Wendy.



No, now is a good time.

- MIKE: What's up?

- Can't buy that kind of press.

- I'm sorry.

- I need to talk to you.

Sparkling water, ma'am?

Yes, oh, perfect.

Close the door.


Ben, I sold my soul to the Chinese for a lousy twenty-five million dollars.

Ma'am, I warned you.

You cannot trust the Chinese.

I married enough of them to know that.

Wait, isn't your wife Korean?


Fog of war.

(knocking on door) Ma'am.

You wanna see this.

Something's happening.

CORA: poll watchers are reporting that over forty-eight thousand black voters were turned away because their middle initials on the voter rolls did not match their identification.

- Wait, what?

- DAN: Yeah, listen to this.

"Widespread power outages across the state, and police are urging residents to stay at home for their own safety.

" "The outages seem to be occurring primarily in African American neighborhoods.

" It's a total blackout.

- Okay, Ben!

- Oh, ma'am, big news.

- Wendy just got a call.

- What?


We're gonna adopt another baby from China!

You know, I think it's that secret message that I No, no!

(stuttering) Move!

(all shouting indistinctly) MAN: We got three hours left.

We can turn this.

DAN: call the Precinct Captains right now.

MAN: We can turn this!

I think the Chinese just delivered.


Thank you, South Carolina!

We had an amazing turnout on our side.

(crowd cheering) Yeah!

And you know how I like to celebrate when I win?

ALL: How?!

By winning some more!

- Balloons.

- (music playing over speakers) (all cheering) From now on, I do what I want, I take what I want, whenever I want it.

(chuckles) "New Selina Now.

" Let's watch my victory speech again.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Uh, I don't I don't have the remote.

Oh, it's on the table by the chair.

So go get it.

Good morning, ma'am.


Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes.

Tell me straight.

Do they look okay to you?

They look very puffy, ma'am.

- Ugh.

- GARY: Hey.

Hey, good morning.

Morning, ma'am.


- Morning.

- Gary.

- Hey, Gary?

- Yeah.

Do my eyes look puffy to you?

I'm surprised they let you run for president, because you look thirty-four, tops.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Marjorie, you're out.

- (chuckles) - And you're back in.


You just go back to whatever you were doing before.

- Finance Chair.

- All right, well, whatever.

So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now?

- Not it.

- You are.

- Oh, I am?

- Yeah, yeah.

You still are.

And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think.

Yes, there you go.

So, your name will be all over it.

Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary.

Oh, my God.

I'm obsessed with her.

- Let's go.

- (chuckles) Congratulations, Gary.

The better woman won.

I'll take that.

Thank you.

I moved some things around.

Oh, (chuckling) did you?


It looks better.


The tampons are vertical, that's brilliant - SELINA: Gary?

- Yep?

Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her?

I told her her eyes looked puffy.

(scoffs) Thank you, chipmunk.

You're welcome, Catherine.

Hey-O, Dan-O!

You bustin' outta here?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I need an itinerary.

Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign.


Wait, I'm fired?

Per f*cking who?!

Per Selina.

I believe her words were, "If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.

" You should flip through your NDA.

If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, we'll slit your throat.

Later, gator!

GREG HART: Congressman Ryan placed a distant third last night.

Where does the campaign go from here?

Third place was a massive win for us.

Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan breathing down their necks.

Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time.

Why should anyone trust him now?

Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate who's honest about his dishonesty.

And that is why Jonah Ryan is the next President of the United States.

Speaking as someone who's covered politics for twenty years, - Jonah Ryan terrifies me.

- That's your opinion.

I find his mindless, toxic fear-mongering a dangerous addition to our already divisive political climate.

Again, your opinion.

Tomorrow morning, we will be live with exclusive coverage of Congressman Ryan's rally in Youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.

Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in 'cause last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison.

BEN CAFFERTY: Well, maybe in the House you can't.

MAN: Our government has assigned you your very own Secret Service detail.

Congressman Ryan, it's an honor.

Oh, yeah!

This is like looking in a mirror!

Yeah, a hot mirror.

I have always been transparent about how old I am.

- Yeah, 55.

- I believe it's 53.

- Late 40s.

- You're all correct.

Last night I don't like when people get closer to talk to me.

It usually means they're gonna be facing a longer prison sentence.

- I saw Andrew.

- The prosecution rests.