02x03 - Bad Money

Richard: This is a good buy-out.

It's way better than what Gavin offered before.

And our packages include nice salaries, cash earn-outs, stock in Hooli, which vests after only four years of working there.

I mean, this seems like a pretty good deal, right?

Hooli? You really think we'd go work for Hooli?

What the f*ck is wrong with you, Richard?

What other options do we have?

We need serious funding to go up against Nucleus, and we don't have that.

So, listen...

I will listen to the sound of you chortling on my balls.

Okay.

Richard, I'm an independent businessman.

Emphasis on "independent."

And "business."

And "man," come to think of it.

Count me out.

Actually, you're not being offered employment at Hooli.

They give you a full buy-out.

How big?

Okay, maybe I'm not explaining this right.

I mean, when you hear Gavin Belson say it, it sounds much clearer.

He saying, rather than put us out of business, he'd prefer to just take us and make us part of his, um, Hoo...

Okay, that does sound bad.

But you just had to be there, okay? He's very articulate.

Richard, you didn't leave your drink unattended around Gavin, did you?

Yeah, you don't sound like yourself.

I'm fine. And for what it's worth, Monica thinks this is the right thing for us to do.

What?

You told Monica about this before you told us?

I don't know, Gilfoyle.

I guess I thought Monica would actually give this rational thought as opposed to ordering me to chortle her balls.

Guys, Richard's right.

It's a pretty good deal, all things considered, and Richard, I'd understand if you took it.

Thank you, Jared.

But Hooli was like an abusive spouse to me.

You know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts in "Sleeping With The Enemy"?

It was dehumanizing.

But then, you, Richard, you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope and you gave me a sense of self-worth.

Like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman."

This is weird.

Every day here has been like that shopping-spree scene.

I'm putting on hats.

Okay.

Julia Roberts aside, are you guys saying that you'd rather me let Pied Piper die?

'Cause that's what's going to happen if we don't take this deal.

Face it, Gavin has us cornered.

He has you cornered.

Yeah, we can just go work on our apps.

Sorry, I'm not going to go work for Hooli.

Same for me, except for the part about being sorry.

And this buy-out sucks. I'll have nothing to do with it.

If you're going to go at this one, it sounds like you're going to have to go at it alone, hoss.

Okay, so if I go to Hooli, you don't want your check?

Of course I want my check. What are you, insane?

But I think it's important for me to show my dissatisfaction by walking out on you.

Richard, I'd understand if you took it, but watching you end up over there would break my heart.

What, like Julia Roberts from "My Best Friend's Wedding"?

I never saw it.

(theme music playing)

(hip hop blaring)

Richard Hendricks.

(music stops)

What's happening?

Russ Hanneman. True pleasure to meet you.

Oh, yeah, I think I recognize you from TV.

Yeah, you do.

Uh, how do you know who I am?

Good question. No reason I would.

But I watched your whole TechCrunch thing online, twice.

That whole spazz thing you did... (moaning, sputtering)

(laughs) That was f*cking priceless.

So I called the Pied Piper number, and somebody said you were heading over to Hooli.

The guy sounded like he was either Chinese or retarded.

Uh, Jian-Yang.

Yeah, I don't know what that means.

You know, Richard, back before I blew up, I got f*cked with, too.

You think you're the first guy to take this ride?

You're hot, you're sued, then the guy suing you offers you a buy-out, am I right?

Wow, yeah, actually you're exactly right.

That's what's happening.

Like my ride?

Um...

They don't make it in this color. They did it just for me.

Guys in this town don't have the balls to drive a car like this.

They're billionaires and they drive f*ckin' Priuses.

Why?

I think mainly, uh, just environmental concerns.

They're all lemmings, Richard. Everyone in this town is.

Just look at them... Lemming, lemming.

Okay.

I scratched my car.

Must be the rivet in my pants. These are cool pants, too.

f*ck, that's a deep scratch. That will not buff out.

m*therf*cker! f*ck it.

Let me ask you a question, Richard.

Have you ever had beef?

Like, with someone, like fighting?

No, the food.

Oh, yeah.

No, you haven't. Get in.

Okay.

Giddy up!

You in?

Almost.

Let's do this, Richard.

Okay.

(music blaring) sh1t. "D". Drive!

Come on, f*ck you! Drive!

Which is why I counsel any young founder today to pursue your dream not for profit or valuation or material wealth, but for the good of humanity.

Which is easy for you to say, being a billionaire.

(audience laughs)

Let me change the subject. I have...

I don't care for your tone, Kara.

I'm getting a little tired of this bias against the leaders of our industry.

I'm continually creating jobs and helping people, and I'm tired of getting slapped for it.

I didn't steal the money I have, and I resent being treated like I did.

You know, there is a climate in this country that is very dangerous.

It's dangerous out there for billionaires?

(audience laughs)

There's that attitude again, Kara.

Billionaires are people, too.

We are leaders in technology, in industry, in finance.

Look at history.

Do you know who else vilified a tiny minority of financiers and progressive thinkers called the Jews?

(all jeering)

Wait a minute. Did you just compare the treatment of billionaires in America today to the plight of the Jews in Nazi Germany?

Absolutely.

One could argue that billionaires are actually treated worse.

And we didn't even do anything wrong.

We're an even smaller minority.

There's a lot more of them.

These are facts.

Russ: So then it hits me.

We take this thing called "the radio" and put it on this new thing called "the Internet."

And no one was doing it. No one.

So we started hoovering up the deals.

Eat this, open your mouth. Open your mouth a bit.

Eat it, eat it. Don't chew, just let it dissolve.

Hold. This is very hot.

Hold.

It just think it's physically impossible for it to dissolve in my mouth.

Now chew, chew, chew!

Ha. It's very hot.

It's good, it's good.

Good? It's the f*cking best. This whole place is.

You call this place and they don't know you, they pretend they don't speak English. You see a white face in here?

No, you don't.

Anyway, next thing you know, we IPO, stock triples in a day and AOL gobbles us up.

All of a sudden, I'm 22 years young and I'm worth 1.2B.

Now a couple decades later, I'm worth 1.4. You do the math.

Okay. Well, that's a gain of $200 million over 20 years.

Um, 16.66 repeating.

Uh, that's less than 1% return.

Inflation is, like, 1.7.

I think CDs are 2%.

So that's less than a CD.

Well, no one ever got laid putting money in the bank. Am I right?

Those bad boys right there, they're all you.

You gotta flip 'em over. That side's done.

Listen, Richard, I want to back you.

You build whatever the f*ck you've got going in that crazy, fucked-up, genius brain up there.

It's all up to you. I'm white glove, hands the f*ck off.

Let's make you a billion dollars.

Let's make me a billion more. How's that sound?

You're not worried about the lawsuit?

sh1t, no. I got three nannies suing me right now, one of them for no reason.

So come on, let's do this.

Let's kick Gavin Belson's teeth in at CES.

And then when you're really worth something, I'm gonna take you back to those same spineless VCs who said no, and I'm gonna shove you right up their assholes.

Um, that's a very enticing offer.

And I wish I didn't have to do this Hooli thing, but I should probably at least...

"Should"? No, no, Richard. Don't do what you should do.

Do what you want.

I mean, should I pay 800 bucks for that tiny piece of meat?

Of course not. But I do it anyway.

Because I want it.

Simple question, Richard... What do you want?

Gentlemen, what's the update on the apps?

Or the "app-date," if you will?

I will not.

Here's my app-date... I was excited to work on it, and then I looked at it with fresh eyes.

Um, Wajeed was right. It's really shitty.

I don't know what the f*ck I was thinking.

But I bought your pitch.

Yeah, you f*cked up, too.

My app is still great.

But in the time that we've been dicking around with Pied Piper, 10 other apps that basically do the exact same thing have come out.

Guys, if I list you as references, can I count on you to say nice things about me?

Be honest.

Do you want me to be honest or nice?

What, did you get a parking ticket or something?

Oh.

Yeah, I still can't see it. Could you use your mouth?

Uh, all right. Just read it.

$5 million?

Yeah, yeah. You guys are not going back to Hooli, and neither am I.

How the f*ck did you get that?

Russ Hanneman?

Oh, Monica, I see you got my text.

Are you out of your mind?

Uh, nice to see you, too, and, no, I'm not.

You're putting your entire future in the hands of the man who put radio on the Internet?

I can only assume that he mentioned that to you.

It may have come up.

Dinesh: Oh, this guy.

That's the guy?

Yeah, that's... That's the guy.

Does he actually smile like that with his upper and lower teeth at the same time?

Monica: The guy is a joke.

How does he even do that? He's a boorish, pompous, womanizing douchebag who got lucky, like, 20 years ago.

And hasn't done anything since then.

Sounds like Erlich.

Sounds like he knows who he is and he doesn't apologize for it.

So he's a joke. Who cares?

This joke is willing to give us $5 million to fund Pied Piper.

And he doesn't own anything. This whole thing is a loan.

Yeah, the demand note is structured as a loan.

But he does have the option to take repayment in the form of equity, and he does get two board seats right off the bat.

Which means you won't get rid of him, ever.

If you succeed, he gets a huge chunk of Pied Piper and if you fail, this lunatic has ratchets to seize control of the company.

Love it or hate it, at least Hooli is a real company.

You should take their offer.

I should. I should.

But I'm tired of doing what I should do, and I kind of want to start doing what I want to do.

And what I want to do is a be a self-centered, irrational asshole that doesn't compromise on anything, at all, ever. And when Pied Piper is a big f*cking deal, Russ is going to take us back to all those VCs who passed on us and shove us right up their f*cking assholes.

What?

Yeah, I don't want any part of that last bit.

It sounded... it sounded better when Russ said it.

Again, I am not good at quoting in context.

It doesn't matter. I'm... I'm going to...

I'm going to call Ron LaFlamme, and I'm going to tell him that we're taking Russ's money.

Okay, so I'm supposed to tell Laurie Bream that she is publicly co-invested with Russ f*cking Hanneman?

So you'd rather me sell my soul to Gavin Belson than you just having an awkward conversation with your boss?

Oh, thanks, Monica.

The guy has calf implants, Richard.

How do they look?

Gavin: Everyone on Twitter is saying I'm an anti-Semite.

You were there.

Denpok: I was.

And what I saw was an anti anti-Semite.

(phone chimes)

Hello? Did you hear from Hendricks?

What do you mean he went with someone else? Who did he go with?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Russ Hanneman?

That's right.

The Russ Hanneman with whom I am familiar?

Yes.

That... that is with whom they chose to go?

Russ Hanneman?

Yes.

He's a vulgar human being.

He's utterly distasteful.

And it would not be inaccurate to say that we at Raviga are now co-investors with Russ Hanneman.

I tried to talk him out of it.

Mm-hmm.

I did, but... you know what?

Peter used to say that ever successful company could look back at a defining moment early on where they would have died had it not been for the... The courage and the tenacity and maybe the insanity of one visionary person who put it all on the line even though it seemed like a huge mistake at the time.

A moment where all the metrics and the numbers didn't mean anything. It was all about the emotion.

It was about belief, rational or irrational.

And I think... I hope that I just witnessed that.

I did not understand any of what you just said.

Oh. None of it?

None of it.

I will not interact with Russ Hanneman in any way.

Is that clear?

It is, Laurie.

I feel very strongly that you should have prevented this.

This exchange is now over.

Okay, but I...

This exchange is now over, thank you.


Jared: Well, Richard?

Firstly, congratulations on finally being funded.

I hope you took a little time out to enjoy this moment and celebrate. I certainly did.

You did?

I did indeed.

I celebrated earlier this morning.

You did, this morning?

Oh, yeah.

But now it's down to business.

We have a huge amount of work to do between now and January.

I know $5 million sounds like a lot of money, but even if we set our burn-rate conservatively, it's only going to last 18 months.

Litigation wipes out half our funds right off the bat.

And we have to stand up servers, pay for financial and HR, pay LaFlamme, and payroll alone is going to be pretty hefty.

Did you see the hiring proposals that Dinesh and Gilfoyle submitted?

No.

They're untenable.

Well, I need four web-app devs, two front end, two back end.

I need a guy to turn your ref code into a production-quality library.

I need two more guys to port the decompression libraries to Javascript, iOS, Android, and I need a few more guys to build out our APIs, so I need all those guys.

Ditto. I need every one of those guys on my list.

Okay, it's just that there's... That's 15 people each.

I mean, that's like an entire division at Facebook.

Fine, I could do it with 12.

I could do it with 11 because I'm a better leader than Dinesh.

Okay, great.

Good news. I got them to cut it down to 12 and 11.

A positive step, but, um, we need to cut a little deeper.

Okay, well, what's the max amount of people we can afford to hire for them?

Three for each of them.

Three? Are you serious?

Can you just tell them?

Oh, I have, several times. But, um, they just kept saying if I didn't waste so much money at the butthole doctor, then we'd have enough money, but I pay for all my medical out of pocket.

We can only afford to hire three people for each of you.

I'm sorry, but that's it.

Okay, that's fine. It works for me.

What?

If you could do it with three people, why didn't you just say so?

Because we're negotiating against each other.

No, we're not. We're on the same team.

We want the same thing.

Disagree. I just got you to give me three guys for a job I could easily do with two.

God damn it.

(knocking) Knock knock, who's there?

This guy. Hey, Russ, what's up?

How are you?

I'm good. What brings you here?

I had to meet this lawyer and his f*cking kid's sick, so now I have a few hours to kill.

Did I see a McLaren 650 S with the extra-trim package pull into the driveway?

Or did I not?

Yep.

So this is the team.

Whoa. I'm just gonna say it.

This guy f*cks. Am I right?

'Cause I'm looking at the rest of you guys, and this is the guy in the house doing all the f*cking.

Am I right? You know I'm right.

This guy f*cks.

Thank you.

Hey, what's up, al-Qaeda?

No, I'm totally kidding. I'm diffusing the tension with humor.

What tension? There's tension?

No, of course not. Seriously, though, no beheadings, all right?

Russ Hanneman. How you doing, m*therf*cker?

Aw, man.

I want to know what kind of fucked-up childhood this guy had.

(laughs)

All right, fellas, what are we doing here?

Mr. Hanneman, I am Erlich Bachman.

I am the owner and proprietor of this house.

So I can give you a tour of the premises if you like, show you where the actual f*cking happens.

Nah, I'm good. (phone swooshes)

Listen, I don't want to disturb the flow.

I just wanted to check out the magic in action.

So I'm gonna grab a seat right over there. Gonna be a fly on the wall.

I'm not gonna say a word.

We have a meeting that we were going to do, so maybe we could do that?

It was nice to meet you, Russ.

So I think we'll actually save a lot of time if we got on the same page in regards to the budget.

So what I need from you guys is to...

I'm sorry, do you really talk like that?

Like what?

Like that.

I mean, this is... this is my normal speaking voice.

Like right now, like how you're talking, is that real?

This one? This... this is real.

Wow. All right, yeah. Doesn't matter, go, go.

This is the same way as I was talking back there.

Keep going.

Okay.

Okay, so I think, actually, if we went back closer to...

C Dog! What's up, homo?

Our requests with an eye...

Nothing.

No, you should come here.

Keep going, keep going.

Okay.

That's more in line with...

What's the address here again?

I would just clear it with Erlich...

Hang on.

It's 5230 Newell Road.

Did you get that? Keep going, keep going.

Okay, back to it.

Get a f*cking pen. Go again.

Say it one more time.

The address is...

Go for it.

It's 5230 Newell Road.

Keep going. Did you get that?

I don't know. This fucker.

Gavin: That little Hendricks prick f*cked me over again.

I want this suit to be more than a holding action.

I want to win it. What can we do here?

Well, this lawsuit is going to be a protracted and time-consuming ordeal.

But with our superior resources, top litigators, we feel this gives us the advantage over Pied Piper Translation?

Ultimately, the suit will turn based on proving that Pied Piper was created here at Hooli.

Now so far, concrete evidence of that is thin.

So thicken it!

Gavin, your visitors are here.

Ah, gentlemen! And lady.

Shalom aleichem.

Thank you for coming today to open a dialogue.

Now if you'll follow me.

In an effort to hardwire sensitivity into our corporate mind-space, I'm having a scale replica of the Hall of Names at Yad Vashem constructed right next to the bike shop.

Richard: (sighs) Okay, so...

No, no, no, no, no! It's got to be afternoon. Afternoon.

(video game playing) No, no. Bring him, too.

Which Raoul? Lawyer Raoul?

Litigation and payroll are both capped. SG&A, we still have a little wiggle room.

(video game continues)

And we're going to punt...

Sir, you know you can turn the volume down on that.

Just on the side.

Richard: Where does that leave us? Um...

Let's go open an IPA, huh?

I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear you. Someone was talking.

What did you say? Keep going, keep going.

Right. Richard, one potential issue.

Our hosting fees could become a challenge as we scale.

Right, but we can offset a lot of that once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.

What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no.

No revenue. I'll call you back. What?

Why would you go after revenue?

Because... To make money.

No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?"

And it will never be enough.

The company that was the 100xer, the 1,000xer, becomes the 2x dog.

But if you have no revenue, you can say you're pre-revenue.

You're a potential pure play.

It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most?

Companies that lose money.

Pinterest, Snapchat... No revenue.

Amazon has lost money every f*cking quarter for the last 20 f*cking years and that Bezos m*therf*cker is the king.

The king.

There's no revenue. No one wants to see revenue.

Go.

Oh, uh...

I just thought that mainly the goal of companies is to make money.

Yeah, no, no, no. That's not how it works.

I don't want to make a little bit of money every day.

I want to make a f*ck ton of money all at once.

ROI.

ROI. You know what that stands for?

Uh, return on inv...

Return on investment!

No. Radio on Internet.

Internet.

Did you put radio on the Internet?

Uh, no.

So everything you just did, do the opposite.

So you want us to take files and make them bigger?

That guy!

That guy is crazy. I love that guy.

Uh, you said that you were going to be hands-off.

Is that still happening?

Yes, please. Do me a favor, make the right f*cking decisions and leave me the f*ck out. You think Corey wants to be here?

Corey, let's bounce. Come on.

Uh, Richard? The check.

Right.

Um, Mr. Hanneman, I think the bank had some issue with the check.

Uh, they said the funds are on hold for some reason?

Wait, you didn't try to cash that check, did you?

(laughs) Did you try to cash that check I gave you?

That's the show check. That's the one you frame and put up on your wall.

You didn't try to cash that, did you?

Um, so do we arrange a wire transfer or...

No. No, you don't get it all at once.

We set your burn rate and then I cut you a new check every other week between now and CES in January, unless you f*ck up too badly.

All right, hit it hard, boys.

This guy f*cks.

You know, Russ, I've been known to f*ck myself.

(door closes)

Well, he's the worst man in America.

And now he owns us.

(Richard sighs)

Why the f*ck would he have us come all the way out here?

I don't know.

Boys.

Russ, what's up? Um...

I know you had asked us to concentrate more on branding and less about the... The product, but we were thinking about that and...

I got it.

God?

No. No, shitheads. Look!

Richard: Oh, "I am Pied Piper"?

Who is that?

Dinesh: Yeah, how is she Pied Piper?

What is this?

Brand awareness.

We're getting Pied Piper out there.

Right. But what exactly is the product?

I mean, what's... What's this selling?

Pied Piper, idiot.

I like it.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, here's the new check I promised you.

This one you can cash. Obviously, I had to subtract the cost of the ad agency that nailed that slogan.

The photo, legal, lay-out, plus the cost of the 15 billboards.

Don't worry, I gave you guys a sweet deal on them.

Gave us?

Yeah.

Hanneman Outdoor Media. I own the billboards.

That's how I talked the ad agency into giving you guys that slogan for only 30 grand. Synergy, bitches.

Know what that means?

Does it mean taking a stack of cash and lighting it on fire?

Crazy f*ck! I love this guy.

(laughs) You f*cking guy!

Oh, and get this. I found out where Gavin Belson lives and I placed 15 of these babies between his house and his office. And guess where I placed the biggest one of all?

This is the most hostile and aggressive act of provocation I've ever had to endure.

It crosses every line of decency.

This is war.

You better have something good for me.

We believe we have a way to win this case.

What if there were an individual here at Hooli with whom Hendricks had had a lot of contact?

What if this individual were, arguably, a member of the original Pied Piper team?

What if we took steps to present this individual in a light such that his talents were undeniable?

Surely an individual this brilliant would move quickly up the ladder here at Hooli.

Surely he'd be promoted rapidly and repeatedly, no?

And surely these impressive promotions would lead a court to agree that someone this brilliant who was there at the inception of Pied Piper, must be integral to, if not solely responsible for its creation. It's all right. You can come in.

Mmm. So you're saying the more praise and promotion we heap on this person, the more it looks like Pied Piper was created here at Hooli.

(phone chiming) Big Head!

Uh, sorry. Sorry, guys.

Uh, Hooli phone?

I didn't even know the ringer was on.

No one's ever actually called it before.

Uh, hello?

Mmm, nothing. Why?

♪ I'm gonna need those rocks, what the candy for? ♪
♪ I'm about to get bitches, 'bout to get sick ♪
♪ They don't have the support ♪
♪ You can suck my dick. It's a banana split ♪
♪ sh1t's getting out of hand ♪
♪ I could tell you to scram, but you make me look bad ♪
♪ How am I gonna be the one to tell you why I'm breakin' bad? ♪
♪ Oh, you need my help? Don't hold your breath ♪
♪ This ain't about hate, I know what you meant ♪
♪ It's your business, look, I sold you a set ♪
♪ It's not about me tryin' to break your heart ♪
♪ Not about me tryin' to hurit ♪
♪ It's about me making sure the only people around me ♪
♪ Are the people that deserve it ♪
♪ I better do what? Kept my number the same for years ♪
♪ My nigga, now about to be ghost ♪
♪ I hope you don't catch no feelings, watch out, watch out ♪
♪ Be cool now, don't do nothin' you'll regret ♪
♪ Don't do nothing, up and get it ♪
♪ Do what the hell you want, I can care less ♪
♪ I don't give a sh1t, I got so much to do ♪
♪ Feel I got so much to prove ♪
♪ I don't need no drama, dummies or new friends ♪
♪ All I need is me and my crew ♪
♪ I go rollin' with some bitches that love rappers ♪
♪ And don't f*ck, no slut, you won't touch ♪
♪ Don't post up, you get f*cked up ♪
♪ You make it easy for the entire world to love us ♪
♪ All we do is hurt each other ♪
♪ Tell 'em sure, m*therf*cker. ♪