03x06 - Bachmanity Insanity

Okay, one extra-large, virgin margarita.

Thank you, Richard.

What took you so long?

Uh, I actually, uh, I met a girl.

It's called the bartender, she works here.

No, no. It's a real girl.

And I actually got her real phone number.

Check you out, Mr. Casanova.

Where is this individual? Um...

She's right over there.

The tall dude?

No, behind him.

Oh, she must be hiding behind that attractive girl in the red sweater.

No, it is the attractive girl in the red sweater.

Oh.

Can we stop looking at her?

She's magnificent.

Are you sure it's not the tall guy?

Why are we surprised that young Richard is garnering the attention of ladies?

After all, he's king again. Women like that.

Okay, so she's a founder hounder.

Come on, no, it-- it's not like that.

But you did tell her that you're the CEO of your own company?

It came up. But I mean, honestly, how else was I going to explain that me and my friends were at a bar?

That is a good point.

Anytime you're near a woman, it is important to explain why.

Otherwise, they get nervous.

Gentlemen...

Richard: Hm...

To Pied Piper's past, and now present CEO.

Oh, what about future?

Jared, we'll worry about that later.

Tonight it's about Richard.

To Richard.

(THEME SONG PLAYS)

I think you'll find I'm a... I'm a... I'm a pretty tolerant boss, but, Gleb, your-- your last commit, you did use spaces over tabs.

Um, I don't know why you'd commit to that, uh, so just tell me why on earth you-- you would do something like that?

Is not so big a deal. They're very much the same, yes?

Yes, yes, he's right. They're very much the same.

No, no, sorry, they're-- they're not the same.

At least, not in my book. Um, um, one is right, and the other is wrong. (CHUCKLES)

Why didn't anyone tell Gleb to use tabs?

Yeah, we did. And it's in the company style guide.

I just don't think Gleb realized how seriously Richard takes this stuff.

Yeah, I've honestly never understood it myself.

I mean, once the code goes through the compiler, there's effectively no difference.

I know, but coders go, like, batshit over it.

At Hooli, I once saw two engineers get into a fight so vicious, they almost made physical contact.

What?

Richard: Okay, guys, uh, back to work.

Uh, Gleb, Sanjay, everyone, do you understand tabs?

Yes, yes. You have made this very clear as clear as crystal.

Okay. Good, that's my little thing, and I'll hand you back to Dinesh now.

He's, uh, he's the man with the plan, and the, uh, pretty cool tan.

(CHUCKLES)

It's not a tan, it's--

Yeah, I know, I know.

Uh... sorry.

This is how I was born.

Hey, uh, Elisabet? Hi.

Um, before you go, I just wanted to say that I thought your last commit was very impressive.

Oh. Thank you.

Almost as nice as the fingers that typed it.

(LAUGHS)

Just call it like I see it.

Elisabet: Thank you.

Speaking of seeing, I will see... you tomorrow.

Elisabet: Yes. You will.

(CHUCKLES) Bye-bye, Dinesh.

Bye, Elisabet.

(CHUCKLES)

Yuck.

What?

You don't actually think she was flirting, do you?

She works here. She's paid to interact with you.

Just like that bartender that Richard thought he was flirting with.

Uh, actually, she's not a bartender.

And for your information, we've been trading texts.

And, uh, we're going for drinks later, so...

Great. If you go to the bar she works at, you can probably drink for free.

Again, uh, not a bartender.

Okay, she works at Facebook. So she makes a lot more money than I do or you do.

And, um, she's definitely not a founder hounder. So... sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, none of that adds up.

Hey, guys, check out Code/Rag.

What, did the Gavin piece post?

Indeed it did.

Oh, "Gavin Belson's Hooli-Scrub Scandal."

Awesome.

Man, Gavin cannot be happy about this.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

(CROWD BOOING)

Stay close.

Back up, back up.

You're on private property, back to the sidewalk.

You're gonna get arrested.

Hey, Gavin!

Hello, I'm...

(CROWD CHEERING)

You know, a hundred years ago, men like me could've had people like that killed.

Just like that. You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt would've batted an eyelid? Please.

(SIGHS) Times sure have changed.

Or have they?

Of course they have. And for the better.

Unless...

All right, forget it. What are we doing about this article?

Can we sue this Cantwell woman for libel?

Gavin, libel laws don't really apply when what's written is true.

It's my understanding you did in fact instruct Nucleus engineers to obscure negative Hooli-Search---

I know what I did.

Forget libel. What about this unnamed Hooli insider she keeps quoting.

Everything this person is saying is obviously covered by a nondisclosure agreement. Let's sue that person.

We don't know who that person is.

And reporters generally don't give up their sources.

Well, then I'll just have to light a fire under this reporter's ass, won't I?

You know, there was a time, not so long ago, when it could've been a literal fire.

But as discussed, those days are gone.

Unless...

All right, forget it. You people are useless.

Thank you. You're excused.

It's Gavin Belson for CJ Cantwell, please.

She'll know what it's regarding.

Ehrlich: Now, the stage should be here.

With Yeezy or someone comparable.

Now, I have yet to land on a theme.

Most people who rent Alcatraz for parties tend to go with the prison theme.

Hm... how much would it cost to make this look as if it were never a prison at all?

Spare no expense, and if you think it would be cool, I would love to have some sort of chocolate moat here, with little boats floating down a field with graham crackers and marshmallows.

It's been a childhood dream of mine.

And get the best chocolatier, we want to impress.

I'm inviting every asshole from the Valley to attend.

You're inviting assholes?

Absolutely.

Assholes, sh1t dongles, any foe or enemy I've made over my storied career will be here.

That way, when I take this stage and unleash the power of Bachmanity, they'll all be in the front row.

Erlich, uh, can we talk for a second?

What is it, Big Head? I thought I told you to go watch something on your iPad.

I think we may have a problem.

That Code/Rag reporter I talked to says that Gavin Belson is threatening to sue her if she doesn't tell him who she spoke to.

So?

So, she spoke to me.

No publicity is bad publicity. This might be great timing.

Exactly the reason that we are partners.

Okay, yeah. Except if Gavin finds out it was me that talked to the reporter, then he'll know I violated my NDA.

And then he could come after my entire settlement if that happens.

All two million. I mean, 20 million.

Big Head, I'm not going to yell.

And I'm not going to hit you.

I'm just gonna ask you nicely, why in the holy f*ck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA, you sweet, helpless, little piece of sh1t?

Well, that's the thing about the NDA, is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA.

So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.

And what about speaking with the reporter? What would that be?

Yeah. sh1t.

So, what do you think I should do?

I could call her back and--

No!

Let me handle it. You go wait in the helicopter.

Go.

Okay.

Sasha, I'm going to need to go back to the mainland.

Oh, is there a problem?

Oh, no, no. Full steam ahead.

Mainland.

This is an island.

That's the theme.

Hawaiian.

We'll have a luau.

Yeah, somebody called me that in high school, and the nickname just stuck.

Pakistani Denzel.

I mean, I don't see it.

But everybody else does. So...

Maybe they should call him American Dinesh ?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Stop.

Only if you stop first.

No, you stop first.

You stop first.

You go first.

No, I think you should.

Okay, I'll stop. Bye.

What's your end game here? You think after your tired rap, she's going to hop on a plane, fly halfway across the world, and f*ck you?

My motivations are pure.

Her and I have, like, a real connection.

She's so, like, nice and she's so down to earth, that it's like she has no idea how attractive she is.

You don't know how attractive she is.

Packet loss over Estonian broadband is terrible. She could be hideous.

Well, I can't imagine that would matter to Dinesh one iota.

Right. Cause she's nice, and, uh, very talented, and has a great laugh.

And with any luck, she's not a dogface.

How was your date with Winnie?

Uh, well, pretty good, considering she's still in the other room.

Baller, you got lucky on the first date.

Yeah, did a little bit, uh, not everything.

I mean, I slept in my jeans.

Well, take your time. Hunger is the best sauce.

You're right. Uh, we did a little bit of under the shirts and, like, finger banging. Oh, hey.

Hey, I'm Winnie.

Oh.

Hi, I'm Dinesh.

Hi, I'm Jared.

It is an honor to meet you.

Okay.

God, what a pleasure.

Thanks.

I'm Gilfoyle. Are you a bartender?

I work at Facebook.

As a bartender?

I had a stuffed animal named Winnie.

Winnie: Oh, wow.

I mean, it wasn't technically an animal, I took a Ziploc bag and I stuffed it with old newspaper and then I-- I drew a smile on it.

Okay, well, uh, shall we have some coffee, my lady?

Sure. Let's do it.

Okay. All right.

We're already on to Elizabethan nicknames. This is serious.

They'll be Ren Faire-ing soon.

Jared: It's healthy.

And now that Richard's dating, uh, in solidarity, I think I might get back out there myself.

You make it sound like you've chosen not to date.

Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to focus on Pied Piper.

But, yeah, maybe now I'll fan out my plumage, so to speak, and see what pretty birdies might share my nest.

Hey, Jared. If you f*ck any pretty birdies in my server room, put a tie on the doorknob, won't you?

Oh, as a signal. Yeah, good thinking.

Okay, so I'll just get the car keys and then give you a lift home. Okay, my lady?

My lord. Oh. My lady.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Okay.

So, Richard tells me you guys are building deep nets into your platform?

Oh, really? What other company secrets did he blab to you?

Well I'm a bartender, I wouldn't understand all the science-y talk, right?

Touché.

So you do AI at Facebook?

No, but when I was at MIT, I did my master's thesis on game playing AIs.

I did a lot of machine learning stuff.

For gaming? How does that work?

It's on my GitHub. Do you want to check it out?

Gavin said he was gonna haul me into court and have a judge compel me to give up my source, or go to jail.

Okay? I am not going to jail.

No, no one's going to jail, CJ.

Although, if you did, going to jail for protecting your source would make you some kind of First Amendment hero.

It's pretty much the best thing that can happen to a journalist.

Journalist? Okay, I'm a tech blogger.

Okay? I write stories for the internet about the internet.

I am not going to jail for that.

I know it is an inconsequential sh1t job.

It doesn't really contribute to culture in any way whatsoever.

We've established that you don't have any journalistic integrity, but what would it cost to buy you some?

Winnie: Then I figured out a way to train a convolutional net to play Atari 2600 games.


Uh-oh.

What?

Spaces. Yeah, so what, you guys use tabs?

In this house, yes.

Richard is a bit of a zealot in the Tabs V. Spaces holy war.

I get that, for his company. Sure.

This goes much deeper.

I think he believes that people who use spaces are less than.

Huh...

I wouldn't mention this to Richard.

You don't want to see him throw a hissy fit.

Okay. Shall we away, my lady?

Nice to meet you guys.

Have fun.

Bye.

Gilfoyle: Bye.

I actually kind of liked her.

Too bad Richard's going to f*ck it up.

So, you moved the swimming pool?

Yeah, it just felt like it was way too far from the house, like, crazy far.

So I had this company come and just move it closer.

Uh-huh. But then you moved it back?

Yeah, turns out the guy who built this place knew exactly what he was doing, and the pool was right where it needed to be the whole time.

But now I know that for sure, which feels good.

Nelson, do you like being wealthy?

Yeah. Oh, man, it's awesome.

So you want to stay wealthy?

Okay, yeah, sure.

Great.

Here are the three things you need to do, all right?

One, stop moving the swimming pool.

Oh, yeah, okay, I can do that. What else?

Two, you need to manage your expenses and track your receipts a little bit better than... this.

I'm only as good as the information I have.

Oh, you're great.

No, I wasn't fishing for compliments.

And three, I sense that people are taking advantage of you.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh. Sorry, hold on.

Oh, it's Erlich, I should probably grab this.

Erlich Bachman, a perfect example.

You gave him signing power on your personal checking account?

Yeah, he's my business partner.

You're not structured as a corporation. You're a general partnership.

So he's essentially your spouse.

That's very dangerous.

But I trust him.

He's actually trying to save us money right now, so hold-- hold on.

Hey, man.

Big Head, wondrous news.

I eliminated the Gavin problem, and at the exact same time, I closed funding on our first strategic investment.

We bought a blog.

Oh, cool. How much do blogs cost?

What?

Oh, nothing.

We practically stole it from them.

What?

(WHISPERS) I'm bullshitting.

Half a million dollars.

Let me talk to him, please.

Uh, hey, Erlich, could you talk to, uh, my business manager for a second.

No, I've got to jet, but tell him I'll see him at the party.

Good day, partner.

Okay, cool.

About the blog...

500 grand.

Oh, God.

I know, we practically stole it, right?

Winnie: Your roommates are really funny. I like them.

They gave me a little sh1t.

Oh, well, you can't take that personally.

Oh, it's fine. They gave you sh1t too.

Oh, really? What about, like my hair or something?

No. They tried to convince me you were some sort of formatting Nazi about tabs versus spaces.

What? Me? Nazi? (CHUCKLES)

(HITLER ACCENT) That's ridiculous.

That's what I said, I mean, I use spaces. So what?

Mm... Yeah, so what?

See, they said you'd have a hissy fit if you found out.

Mm-mm. Hissy fit, me? No.

I know.

You know. I know.

I mean, make up your mind, guys, am I a Nazi or am I a guy who throws hissy fits?

You know? Am I a Nazi who throws hissy fits?

I hope not. That was Hitler. That was like his whole deal.

I mean, that's pretty insensitive to the Holocaust, don't you think?

Cause that's, like, what Hitler did, you know, he just, like, killed so many people, so tragic, such a tragic time.

Yeah.

I'm so glad we're not doing that anymore.

I mean, we, like I... like I was, you know, whoa!

I want them all to die. I don't, I don't care.

I mean, I do care, don't-- don't kill them-- them-- Jews.

Uh, anyway, what do you want to... what do you want to order here?

Is that our P-to-P protocol?

Yeah, I'm just hacking for fun.

I figured out a way to use our compression for RTC, so...

Video chat? Yeah. I think it could be better resolution than Hooli-Chat. Even over 3G.

It could just be like a fun, cool feature in the platform, you know.

And then coincidentally you'll finally be able to see what Elisabet actually looks like.

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

I hadn't thought of that.

If you worked half as hard on the platform as you do trying to ogle strange Slavic women, maybe our shares would finally be worth something.

Hey, uh... what the hell was that?

Can you give us slightly more, Richard?

Why did you tell Winnie that I think people who use spaces over tabs are stupid?

Because you do.

No, I don't.

And if I did, which I don't, why would you say that behind my back, to her?

I mean, things were just going so well, until she--

(WOMAN CHUCKLES)

That was completely lovely.

Yeah, it was really nice.

You're really something.

I'll give you a call later, okay?

Okay, cool, yeah.

Great, sounds good. Bye, Jared.

Bye.

Jared?

Yeah?

Who was that?

Oh, that was Carol.

So, uh, Jared, did-- did you just have s*x with her?

What? I'm an adult, and like the rest of you, I'm a sexual being.

You f*cked her in the garage?

Well, it's the server room and my bedroom.

What, so you just meet a woman, and then you have s*x with her?

How often does this happen?

Well, if you're asking me how many times I've been in love, the answer is two.

But the rest I won't talk about. It's untoward.

Russ was right, this guy f*cks.

Who was that gorgeous gazelle in the driveway?

Well, I've said all I care to, let's move on.

She let Jared have s*x with her.

Jared, nice. Using that dick.

Gents, I'd like to invite you to what promises to be the social event of the season.

Bachmanity Insanity.

Alcatraz?

Don't worry, it will be unrecognizable.

Jared, with regards to the... you need a plus one?

Oh, no thank you. I think it's too early for that.

Good idea. Don't bring sand to the beach, there's already pussy there.

Richard, I assume you'll be taking your woman friend?

You know what? Yes. She and I will be there together.

I'm going to make this work, despite all your little attempts to sabotage my relationship.

You can do anything you put your mind to, Richard.

Including turning Alcatraz into Hawaii. (LAUGHS)

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, all good. Great. (CHUCKLES)

You know...

What?

My roommate's going out of town tomorrow, so if we want to come back here after Erlich's party...

Oh. Okay, yeah. Sure, that sounds good to me.

All right, it's a date.

See you then. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) Richard, what's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing, literally it's all good.

Come on. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry.

Your roommates were right, you really hate spaces.

No, no, no.

I don't, it's not hate, hate's a strong word.

Um, truth be told, I do have a slight preference for tabs.

But that's only because I'm a**l and because I prefer... precision.

Well, not to pick a fight here, but if you really care about precision, wouldn't you use spaces?

Nn...

But whatever.

Once it goes through the compiler, it's the same thing. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, technically yes.

I guess, I just... I just don't understand why you-- anyone would use spaces over tabs.

Like, if it's all the same, why not just use tabs?

Because it could look different on other people's computers.

Tabs create smaller file sizes, all right?

I run a compression company, trust me, I've devoted my life to minimalizing file sizes.

It's what I do. I mean, I do not get why anyone would use spaces over tabs.

I mean, why not just use Vim over Emacs? (CHUCKLES)

I do use Vim over Emac.

Oh, God, help us!

Okay, uh... you know what?

I just... I don't think this is going to work. I'm so sorry.

Uh, I mean like, what, we're going to bring kids into this world with that over their heads? That's not really fair to them, don't you think?

Kids? We haven't even slept together.

And guess what, it's never going to happen now, because there is no way I'm going to be with someone who uses spaces over tabs.

Richard!

Wow. Okay. Goodbye.

One tab saves you eight spaces!

(DOOR SLAMS)

(BANGING)

Richard: Oh!

(RICHARD MOANS)

Oh, my God!

Richard, what happened?

I just tried to go down the stairs eight steps at a time.

I'm okay, though.

See you around, Richard.

Just making a point.

Oh!

Huh...

This new video chat protocol is making your image crystal clear.

Wait... wait one second, Dinesh.

Uh, Dinesh, I can't see you, it's all black.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't give the camera permission to access the video chat, hold on.

Boom!

Yes! I can... see you now.

It's me! Pakistani Denzel!

Yes! The Denzel who is from Pakistan.

This video quality is great, right? Looks so sharp.

That's what we do here at Pied Piper.

It-- it's very impressive.

Um, I will have to tell my boyfriend all about it.

Boyfriend? You never mentioned a boyfriend.

Oh, no? Um...

This is because he's now just husband.

Um, I keep forgetting to say this, husband, but it is very good to see you this way, and we will talk more tomorrow.

Yeah, we'll talk--

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

Either she froze time, met and married the man of her dreams, unfroze time, and hopped back on to vid chat with you, or... you're the dogface.

Which do you think it is? I'm on the fence.

What the f*ck is going on? Richard found a girl, you have a girlfriend, Jared is getting laid with a girl.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Hi, Mom.

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, God. Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie.

Sweet, sweet Elisabet.

Gentlemen, mahalo for coming.

You must taste the breaded humuhumunukunukuapua'a, flown in fresh this a.m.

What is mumu--

It's breaded.

Get ready. In T-minus five minutes, Big Head and I are going to take that stage and I am going to ejaculate my success all over the faces and hair of my fiercest rivals.

Like some sort of vengeful viscous web of payback.

Erlich?

Yes. One moment.

Sasha, you are doing an exceptional job. I mean, I see... I see no evidence that we are not in Hawaii.

Hm... we have a problem.

Just several of our vendors are saying that your checks have bounced.

Um, Sasha... (SPEAKS HAWAIIAN) I'll be back.

Big Head, Big Head. Why are our checks bouncing?

If you had responded to any of my phone calls, I would've explained it to you.

Who the f*ck are you?

Uh, Erlich this is my business manager, Arthur...

Klaiman.

Klaiman. I knew it was something with Clay.

As I was explaining to Mr. Bighetti, I've finally managed to get a handle on his finances.

Our finances. Continue.

After your considerable outlay on lifestyle, this party and half a million dollars on a website, you're functionally insolvent.

Big Head, you're broke?

We're broke, dude.

Erlich, it's time.

You have my number. I left it on your voicemail.

Several times.

Announcer: Titans of the tech world, I give you Nelson Bighetti, Erlich Bachman, and Bachmanity!

(HORN BLARES)

Aloha.

Uh, that means hello.

Oh, and goodbye.

♪ I saw you in my dreams ♪
♪ We were walking hand in hand ♪
♪ On a white sandy beach ♪
♪ Of Hawaii ♪
♪ We were playing in the sun ♪
♪ We were having so much fun ♪
♪ On a white sandy beach ♪
♪ Of Hawaii ♪
♪ The sound of the ocean ♪
♪ Rocks me all night long ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhhhhh ♪
♪ Of Hawaii ♪