06x02 - Blood Money

[bunniefuu]

Facebook, Google and Amazon exploit our data for profit.

I will help you by building an internet of the people by the people and for the people, so help me God.

(CHEERING)

You said all that stuff about not collecting user data.

- But I am.

- I just lied to Congress.

Hooli will remain an independent entity, even if we have to shed a few divisions and trim a little fat.

Gwart has a really good idea, but she doesn't have a business plan.

Hi, I'm Jared.

We were able to break down all of your misdeeds.

This guy is dirty as a dog, and we got him.

Oh, hell yes.

It's the greatest data aggregating platform.

And Richard developed it specifically for us.

DINESH: So this morning, Colin cut a new build of Gates of Galloo to his staging server.

Okay, um, this is Baldereach, capital city of Galloonia.

Those are some ghoul knights, wearing gelatinous armor.

This is just the game, pretty standard stuff.

Well, until I turn on the microphone.

How are you doing, Richard?

Are you hungry?

- Would you like some pizza?

- (GAME CHIMES)

What the f*ck?

He's using our API to run ads directly in the game engine?

GILFOYLE: Crazy, right?

Domino's Pizza in a fantasy medieval universe.

Why, it's enough to make you wanna go on vacation.

GILFOYLE: And he's even using our ability to track sentiment.

Yeah.

Even if I say nonsense words, it assigns them an emotional value.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la!

RICHARD: f*ck me.

So, unless we get rid of Colin, which we can't, he is going to put this on our network.

Money just perverts everything.

At this point, I could stand to be a little perverted.

Yeah, I wanna be a lot perverted.

I wanna blow money while it talks to its wife on the phone.

- I wanna suck money Oh.

- All right.

- Microphone.

- DINESH: Oh!

Uh Kittens, puppies, United Nations!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Silicon Valley 6x02 Blood Money Richard, is this an okay time?

It's a great time, Jared.

I'm surrounded on all sides by people who turn on me.

- I can come back.

- No.

No, no, it's fine.

What do you got?

(SIGHS)

What is this?

It's my resignation letter.

I'm leaving.

What?

One gaff with Colin, and you're just gonna walk away?

It's about so much more than that, Richard.

I've been agonizing over this.

Not sleeping, not eating I completely forgot my godson's 40th birthday.

Richard, Pied Piper isn't the same company that I signed up for.

She has different needs now, and so do you, and, it turns out, so do I.

Okay, Jared we are in the middle of a sh*t storm here.

I'm trying to handle this as honestly as possible.

There's a founder at the hacker hostel, and she needs my help, and once I'm free of encumbrances Encumbrances?!

Oh!

Well, f*ck me, Jared.

I don't want to encumber you.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

Go to your new boss.

I hope she's not a big of a f*ck-up as I am, you buddy-fucker.

- I'm not a buddy-fucker.

- Oh, yes, you are, Jared.

You are a buddy-fucker.

I am your buddy, and you are f*cking me.

Ergo, you are a buddy-fucker.

Goodbye.

- Richard, I'm not - Goodbye, Jared.

Thank you.

I like it how it is.

But it's too warm.

I want it warm.

(QUIETLY): Okay.

(INHALES)

Gentlemen, and lady, a short time ago, I reached out to you and asked you to invest, sight unseen, in a newer, leaner, and more focused Hooli.

And invest you did, guided not by traditional spreadsheets or actuarial tables, but by your own highly attuned financial Gavin, cut the bullshit.

What do we still own?

Mr. Skelton.

As candid and as forthright as ever.

- Age has not dulled one iota of - Gavin.

Of course.

I had prepared a presentation, but I suppose I can just skip to the end.

Hopefully, I won't lose you.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay Confucius, John Lennon, Nietzsche, Ayn Rand, Steve Wonder, and here we go!

As you can see, among the many jewels still in Hooli's crown are our exciting suite of office Where is web services?

Well, Mr.

Bezos felt it would fold nicely into his AWS, so he insisted Smart speaker and in-home?

- He took that, too?

- HooliHome was, indeed, subsumed - by the Amazon Alexa - Targeted search?

Ironically, also missing.

But we maintain rights to the HooliPhone and its proprietary apps, the patent for the Hooli Puck Mouse.

We also maintain our web-based marketplaces, including our up-and-coming lifestyle networking platform, - Foxhole.

- What the f*ck is that?!

Well, Foxhole is a very exciting web-based exchange, catering to those in the m*llitary, who are interested in having - extramarital affairs.

- SKELTON: Gavin, when do you expect the eight of us will recoup our investment?

Ah, yes!

That's my very next slide.

- After this one.

- (CLICKS)

Well, with a little luck, we'll be profitable and up 5X inside three years.

You got three months, or you're out.

So, Melanie will take on all of Jared's marketing duties, Gwen will cover biz dev, and that should take care of it.

Does this scan to you?

- I can see it.

- Okay, great.

- RICHARD: Okay, back to work.

- TRACY: Uh, Bertram, while I have you You don't have me.

Richard's just tasked me with streamlining productivity and balancing headcount.

Can you explain to me why you have no one working under you?

It just seems odd considering that the agile board is showing that you have a massive backlog.

You're new here, so I'll forgive the patronizing tone.

I'm more concerned with being right than being fast, and I don't like dealing with people.

To wit, - are we done?

- Oh, you're "that guy".

What "guy" exactly?

The brooding, arrogant guy who refuses to take orders?

Self-taught coder who looks down on anyone who's taken a class.

You're probably an atheist or something more contrarian.

You claim to be an anarcho-capitalist, but you work here and pay taxes.

You've probably read half of Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon, and it's about 50/50 whether you own a snake.

(WHISPERS): His girlfriend owns a snake.

I finished Cryptonomicon, and you easily could've just looked in my file.

I didn't need to.

- I'm assigning you five coders.

- Inadvisable.

Noted.

I'll send them over first thing tomorrow.

If you're going to throw five randoms under me, at least let me pick my team.

- Fair enough.

- Good.

- DENPOK: Georgia?

- Mm.

You want to move the entire company to Georgia?

Why?

Well, the Valley's become prohibitively expensive.

Look at these numbers.

If we move to Georgia, we can save a fortune and get a further investment.

It's the only way.

Well, I have heard good things about the food scene in the Dirty South.

Stankonia.

Freaknik.

Might be nice to be around more people of color.

GAVIN: What?

Not Atlanta.

Tbilisi.

The country of Georgia, not the state.

What?

- DENPOK: Gavin?

- Hmm?

Tbilisi is no doubt a wonderfully rustic place, but do you not fear losing a local presence, a connection with the b*ating heart of the technology industry?

HOOVER: Boots on the ground, so to speak.

I think it's wise, sir.

sh*t.

You're right.

I need to be here to maintain my relevance.

All right then.

Plan B.

You two and the team will move to Belarus.

If we can get close enough to the Chernobyl exclusion zone, it's a buyer's market, and with the money we save from substantially downgrading from Tbilisi, plus the bigger Belarusian investment we've been offered, I'll maintain a pied-Ã -terre here in town.

Now, I'll need to rely much more heavily on you because you probably won't see me much.

I'll need you to guide the troops and bridge the language gap, but God damn, I respect the hell out of you both.

- MONICA: Are you sure about this?

- (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh Yeah.

Yeah, no.

We can't have that atrocious game anywhere on our network.

- We have to do a raise.

- Well, it's a terrible time to do it, but I mean, it's your call.

It's gonna have to be a big number though.

Yeah, good.

I guess we should set up some meetings, yeah?

MONICA: Too time-consuming.

Let's jump-start the process.

Are you feeling charitable?

Just 39 cents a day can literally feed an entire family like this.

Think about it, then ask yourself - (NOISY CHATTERING)

- (MELLOW JAZZ PLAYING)

All right, so this place is the who's who of VCs, so let's do a lap, take inventory, and we'll start with the biggest firm, work our way down to - Laurie!

- Monica.

Richard.

What are you doing here?

The same as you, I suppose.

Eating caviar and hacking famine.

- No, I thought you moved to China.

- Mm.

The interesting thing about moving, Monica, is that you can do it more than once.

I am back.

You may be intrigued to know that I have severed ties with Yao and YaoNet.

So, you're going back to VC?

Oh, no.

You misunderstand.

I have severed ties between Yao and YaoNet.

Yao has been exited, and I have made myself the CEO of the company, which I am moving back to the US, and in order to make it sound more American, I am renaming it "YaoNetUS".

Wait.

So, you're launching here?

Yes, and with those Chinese out of the way, I can finally be more ruthlessly efficient.

Speaking of, excuse me.

- What?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

- Richard, relax, okay, she's got inferior tech, she's got no developers.

You remember when she tried to run Eklow?

She's gonna last a week as CEO.

I mean, look at her.

She's desperate.

She's already in total flirt mode.

I do believe with proper management MONICA: She needs money just like we do.

Let's just worry about us, okay?

I will introduce you, and just let me do the talking, okay?

Don't speak until Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper.

- Eric Rivera, Graves Partners.

- RICHARD: Oh.

I saw your congressional testimony, and I thought, man, I really need to talk to that guy.

Oh, you did?

Huh, cool.

Yeah.

I mean, you committed to a really bad business model, on national TV.

I guess I just wanted to know, what the hell were you thinking?

I mean, picking a fight with Facebook is one thing, but sh1tting on Google and Amazon at the same time, in front of TV cameras?

What was going on in your brain?

And-and Hooli.

I-I sh*t on them, too, so I mean, we're all sitting in front of the TV in our office, thinking this is the dumbest man in tech.

And then we talked about it, and we realized, hang on, - that is totally unfair.

- Yeah, you did?

Good.

Yeah, because, I mean, you were subpoenaed, right?

You were under oath?

What were you supposed to do?

Technically, I don't You weren't you weren't under oath?

Mm, I don't think so.

Are you kidding me?

Wait.

Karl, Ben!

Come over here.

You gotta hear this.

We were wrong, man!

Tell them what you just told me.

(CHATTERING)

Hey, um Richard Hendricks, from Pied Piper, yes?

Uh, no.

Maximo Reyes.

I am an investor from Chile.

Wow, I gotta tell you, it is an honor to meet you, man.

Truly, I am such a big fan of your technology.

Wow.

- What, like, really, or - Of course.

Hi.

We are shaking hands.

Correct?

But I'm sure you have more important people to talk to, you know, and, you have made it painfully clear that you do not want me as an investor, so No, h-hold on.

Wait, I-I-I made it clear?

When did I Oh no, not you personally, but I spoke with somebody from your company many times.

Uh, Yarez?

Yarez?

Y-Yarez Dun Yarez Oh!

- Jared.

- Yes!

- Whatever - Potatoes, potatoes.

Well, uh, Yared doesn't really work with us anymore, so - Oh, wow.

Well, then.

- Yeah.

Look at you and me.

- We are talking.

- (LAUGHS)

Have you ever had a Chilean terremoto?

- HOOVER: Denpok, got a minute?

- DENPOK: Yes.

I may have a way to keep us here in the US.

Talk.

Are you familiar with CIFIUS?

Yes.

No.

The Committee on Foreign Investment in the US, or CIFIUS, is a federal agency that has wide latitude to prevent American companies from doing business with foreigners, if there's a national security thr*at.

Are you familiar with the dating app Grindr?

No.

Yes.

Last year, CIFIUS reversed the sale of Grindr to Chinese investors.

They ruled that the sexual and HIV status of US citizens was something they needed to keep out of the hands of foreign interests.

- I understand.

- This morning, I was on the user database of Foxhole, when I happened upon a familiar face.

(CLICKS)

Four-star General Hanley Barris.

That is not his face.

No, it is not.

But as a four-star general, he could anonymously compel CIFIUS to prevent Foxhole or its ownership from moving to foreign soil.

No more Belarus?

I think General Barris would be very keen to keep this type of material out of the hands of foreign interests, and by that, I mean his wife, Yekatarina.

Hey!

What happened to you last night?

Oh my God, you reek of booze.

Were you out all night?

Monica - I got lucky.

- Didn't need to know that.

No, no, I got even luckier than that.

Tell me, did you know that the national tree of Chile is the piñoner?

Also this, - do you know who Maximo Reyes is?

- Yeah.

The richest man in Chile.

Well, I saw that very tree in the middle of his living room, and he let me climb it.

You met Maximo Reyes and you went to his house?

Yeah, and he showed me his art collection, and we drank a number of terremotos, which are f*cking disgusting.

Anyway, I may have convinced him to give us enough money to get rid of Colin.

Wait, what?

I casually floated 50 million, and he didn't even bat an eye.

- (CHUCKLING)

- MONICA: Richard There's a reason Jared tried to ditch this guy.

- We cannot take his money.

- Why not?

Did he tell you where he gets it from?

How his grandfather was the chief of secret police under Pinochet?

About how they ran their mines?

They were basically sl*ve traders.

He can't really be all that bad.

I mean, he really, really likes Pied Piper.

Look, we cannot take blood money.

You thought selling ads were bad?

These guys ex*cuted people in soccer stadiums.

I was open to it at first, but Jared was adamant and he's right.

Fifty million sounds great, but it's an awfully low price to pay for your integrity.

f*ck.

Look, I know Colin is a sleazebag, but at least he's temporary.

Okay, Maximo is a thousand times worse, and he would be permanent.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(SCOFFS)

Of course.

He just e-mailed me the term sheet.

I don't even wanna look at him.

Just forward it to me.

- I'll take care of it.

- Thanks.

I know that this sucks, but I promise you, you're doing the right Fifty million?

Do you remember when I was offered 10?

- (LAUGHS)

- Richard.

Hmm?

It's not $50 million.

Is it more?

It's a billion, Richard.

A what?

He just offered us a billion dollars for 10%.

f*ck.

- (EXHALES)

- You're already holding a cigarette.

TRACY: Mr.

Gilfoyle!

- GILFOYLE: Yes, ma'am?

- Is this your new team?

It is.

Five people, as you requested.

- That man over there?

- GILFOYLE: Ken.

- Isn't he the coffee guy?

- Barista.

Yes.

And Joyce was watering the plants.

Mona was working security.

Dan and George, they were painting the lobby.

Until today.

Which reminds me, they all need to change their LinkedIn status to "placaters of middle management".

I'll be honest, this is sort of a first.

And here you thought I was just "that guy".

You know, Mr.

Gilfoyle, you're right.

You're not "that guy", because at the seven companies I've helped take public, every other "that guy" accepted their limitations, took on a team, and managed to get their work done.

Some of them are now billionaires.

None of them would've gotten into a d*ck-measuring contest with HR when they were two weeks behind.

So, lucky us, I guess you're unique.

You know, Gilfoyle, when I first heard the phrase "d*ck-measuring contest", I thought it was a contest to see who could measure the most dicks.

But it isn't, is it, Gilfoyle?

Is it a typo?

Maybe it's a typo.

It's not a typo, Richard.

It's spelled out in the offer.

One billion dollars, in one lump sum.

Okay, what do I do?

- I don't know.

- Oh.

Okay, well, Jared had you pretty convinced that this was evil money.

It's a billion f*cking dollars, Richard!

Okay, so does that make this less evil or, like, - way more evil?

- Ack!

Do not touch.

It's an e-sign.

You touch that button, it's over.

Tell me what to do.

Monica, this is your job!

Look, when my sister got pregnant her freshman year of college, I said get an abortion.

Well, now my niece, Dakota, who is very much with us, calls me "Aunt Abortion".

I'm sorry.

You are the CEO, this is on you.

Well, I gotta talk to Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

No, you can't talk to those animals!

You say a word to anyone out there, and this whole company turns into Lord of the Flies in five seconds.

It's a billion dollars, Richard.

I'm sorry.

You're on your own.

Monica Richard, there is a major emergency.

Gilfoyle is using the barista as one of the coders, so I tried to use the cappuccino machine on my own, and I don't know if, like, the frother knob is, like, jammed or something, but it's, like, not working.

So, there is no froth, at all, for anybody.

So, can you get on that?

- Yeah.

- Okay, great.

- He's on it!

- (SIGHS)

It's really a sh*t sandwich.

They've been in there for a while.

- Wonder how it's going.

- (DOOR OPENS)

General Barris.

Is it done?

- Wonderful.

- Say hello to your wife for me.

Gavin!

How was the meeting?

- (SHOUTS)

- (CLATTERS)

GAVIN: Aah!

f*ck!

Richard?

Huh?

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Do you have a second?

Yeah, yeah.

Come on in.

I know you tried to keep Maximo away from me, but one thing lead to another and-and now this.

- That is quite an offer.

- Yeah.

So, what do I do?

Look, Richard, I know you said Monica's checked out on this, but this is kind of a monumental Pied Piper matter.

I think you should get advice from somebody within the company.

That's why I'm here, Jared.

That's you.

You gotta come back.

- Richard - I-I know your job changed over time, but we can undo that.

You know, restructure your role, move you upstairs so you're closer to me.

Whatever it takes to make it work.

Come on, think about it.

We'll be a pair of boys, back in business.

Richard, it's too late.

I mean, you know, you let me go, so I took the job here - with Gwart, and - So?

Go inside and tell Gwart you're leaving.

Well, that's not how loyalty works.

I mean, that wouldn't be fair.

Fair?

Years ago, you came to this house, begging me for a job, and I gave you one.

In fact, I made you COO.

And now, when I need you the most, you s*ab me in the back, and you have the balls to lecture me about loyalty?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I was right.

You are a buddy-fucker.

- Please stop saying that.

- Buddy-fucker.

Stop saying that.

And-and-and please just leave this house, or I can't be held responsible for my behavior.

Oh yeah?

What are you gonna do, Jared?

Huh?

You gonna buddy-f*ck me?

'Cause that's what you do - to your buddies now, isn't it?

- Get out.

(BUZZING)

Oh, Gwart.

No, no, no!

That's too much sun.

- (BUZZING STOPS)

- Oh my God.

This is Gwart?

- Richard - (SCOFFS)

- This is who you're walking away for?

- Richard, do not.

She's your new little code girlfriend?

- Don't.

- This, uh - Don't.

- This googly-eyed - No, no, no, no - Yoo-hoo drinking - No!

- Oh my God.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, look, I'm sorry!

- No.

- All right.

I oughta knock your teeth, you bitch-made m*therf*cker.

- I-I-I I didn't mean it.

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

I was state-raised!

You think I'm scared to catch a case - of some bullshit?!

- I-I'm sorry, Jared!

I didn't mean it, okay?

I'm sorry, Gwart.

I didn't mean it!

You keep her name out of your skanky little mouth, you little, little bitch!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

This is a place of business Oh my God.

Don't sh**t me!

- Jared!

- (BB CLINKS)

- Jared!

Aah!

- Dope-led, peckerwood m*therf*cker!

- RICHARD: Jared!

Jared, no!

- Get checked in, hoe!

(BANGING)

Oh, Jesus!

JARED: You wanna dance on the blacktop, homie?!

You did this, Richard!

- (BB THWACKS)

- Aah!

Ow, what the f*ck?

Mr. Gilfoyle!

You wanted to see me before I left?

Yes, Tracy, I did.

I wanted you to be here when I push my entire backlog of code.

You finished all of it?

In just 24 hours?

I did, all by myself.

(CLICKS)

I'll take that apology now.

Mr. Gilfoyle, you said that I had to choose.

You said I could have it fast or I could have it right, but I just got it fast and right, and all I had to do was thr*aten your manhood by assigning you other coders.

It worked at seven other companies, and it obviously worked here.

We're back on schedule!

Now, why would I be sorry about that.

I respect your skills.

Thank you.

See you in the morning.

MAXIMO: And now, we are both holding - a whiskey.

- Yes.

Um, Maximo, I wanna apologize for coming over here unannounced.

And I wanna do this deal with you, but Jesus Richard, you have some concerns because of my family.

I mean yeah.

Richard, do you see these photographs?

Now, these people, a lot of them children, used to work for my father in my family's mines.

Now, I keep them here as a reminder of the many, many mistakes my father made.

I want to fix those mistakes, Richard.

By investing in you and your company, I'll be able to start doing that.

Do you really believe that?

Richard, we are going to change the world, you and I.

- (THUDS)

- sh*t!

What was that?

Ah, the birds.

You know, they're attracted to the tree, so sometimes, you know, kapffft!

(LAUGHS)

What are you gonna do?

- To rectifying the mistakes of my father.

- Sure.

Yeah.

The fool who allowed the workers to unionize and ask for higher wages and more expensive hospitals.

- We - Uh, sorry.

What was that?

Yes.

My grandfather, he built a great fortune, but then my idiot father almost gave it all away.

But not now, though.

Oh no.

Now, I mine copper, cobalt and diamonds, and now, thanks to you, data.

Gracias.

Uh, no.

No, what?

- No, we do not - (BIRD CLUNKS)

Oh my God!

Uh No, we We will not mine user data.

I was very clear about that.

- But you do.

- (THUDS)

Richard, did you not tell me when we were sitting on my tree, bonding, that there is a man in your network right now, using a tool, that you built, in order to mine user data?

No.

That is coming to an end.

That doesn't happen anymore.

- (BIRD CLUNKS)

- Richard, please.

Cheers.

To our future endeavors together.

Maximo we will never collect and monetize user data.

Ever.

Then why would I give you one billion dollars, Richard?

Look at me.

I am not a fool like my father.

(BIRD CLUNKS)

You are turning this into a d*ck-measuring contest.

Please don't, because I assure you, it will be I who measures the most.

Are-are you threatening me?

Take my money, Richard.

It'll be very good for you, and very good for me.

But if you do not take my money, Richard oh, it will be very bad for you.

(BIRD CLUNKS, SPLASHES)

("SHE GOT THE DEVIL IN HER" BY BUDDY GUY PLAYING)

You know I talk to my baby Like a mother talk to her kid You know I love that woman But I just can't keep it hid She got the devil in her Yes That woman got the devil in her Richard, it's Maximo.

(CHUCKLES)

We are on the phone.

Let me tell you what is going to happen to you next.

(RETCHES)

All I wanted to do was be a golden millionaire.

A millionaire that gets peed on?

I could see you making half that happen.

Can I be honest with you for once?

For once?

You're my attorney.

You're out of options.

- DINESH CHUGTAI: Holy sh*t.

- MONICA HALL: We could buy Hooli.

Take your marks.

(g*nsh*t)

I still got it, Hoover.