04x10 - Server Error

[bunniefuu]

- (man shouting)

- (woman shrieks)

Oh!

You only make that face when your d*ck is on fire.

So, you're certain?

Definitively.

The 36 HooliPhones that blew up at Hoolicon and the 17 that blew up around the US all had our code on them.

Richard, these are real people with real crotches, and they're burning.

We have to tell someone.

This was our fault.

No.

No, no.

Keenan's demo was built to run on a $10,000 rig.

Jack ported it to a phone in four days.

They wrote sloppy code that's pinging the antenna constantly, looking for the goggles.

That had to have caused the phone's antenna to draw too much power Which would overheat the subpar battery.

And when we pinged our network on top of all that - d*ck fire.

- Richard, what happened to being Honest Abe from now on?

We committed a crime here.

- Barely, Jared.

- The fact that we hacked those phones works in our favor.

All of our code is hidden.

Agreed.

And when Hooli launches a new software update to fix the phones, our network will still be functional, Melcher will be happy, Monica will fund us, and no one will ever know what we did.

- I'll know!

- Yes!

I'll know too, but I'm okay with it.

I'm sorry.

(rustling)

What the f*ck is this?

I write three letters every time I start a job a personal action plan, a letter to my 40-year-old self, and that, a resignation letter.

Uh, I'll be moving my things back into my condo.

- What about your squatter?

- Oh, he's been out for months.

He left to go sell cocaine at the Keystone Pipeline protests.

I've just been staying in the garage out of solidarity.

You can't leave.

- Don't beg, Richard.

- I'm not.

According to the employee handbook, which you wrote, an employee cannot leave without giving two weeks' notice.

You you read the handbook?

- Yeah, I did.

- All right, fine.

I'll fulfill my duties under protest, but I will not do anything illegal nor unethical, and I will not lie.

I already have upwards of 50 burnt perinea on my conscience.

Richard, that's enough.

Consider that my two weeks' notice.

- (door opens)

- All right.

Keep an eye on HooliNews, and let me know when Jack announces the HooliPhone update.

What do you mean you're not issuing a software update?

Who can say why the phone Gavin Belson brought to market started exploding when we put Keenan Feldspar's technology on it?

Huh?

Is it Gavin's fault?

Is it Keenan's fault?

Is it 50-50?

Who knows?

We need to change the narrative here.

Has anyone flown commercial recently?

Nor have I, but apparently they're still making the announcements at the gate about Samsung Galaxy Note 7 being banned.

We can't have people believing that our phones blow up airplanes, no matter how much Gavin and/or Keenan may have wanted it.

It's lethal PR.

We need to get ahead of this one, which is why I am going to pull every last affected HooliPhone out of circulation and replace it in the next three days.

That's over nine million devices.

Gavin Belson had to move heaven and earth to get our China plants up to a capacity of two million per day, and his negotiations with labor were extremely delicate.

Well, China has never negotiated with Jack Barker.

What you're proposing is staggeringly expensive and borderline impossible.

We won't approve it.

I see.

Uh Slight hitch.

I may have instructed my comms team to issue a press release announcing the recall and it should be going out at - Yeah, it's out.

- Jack.

I'll tell you what: let's just gas up that HooliJet, and I am going to go ahead and go to China!

(theme music playing)

So, every f*cking HooliPhone that we're on is being pulled out of service and replaced with a new one that doesn't have our code on it.

Half of our storage capacity just gone.

Where the f*ck are we gonna put all of Melcher's data?

Wait.

We have a server farm in the garage, right?

Now, don't you think if Anton could've saved our ass, I would've suggested it by now?

- Why can't it work?

- What are you, f*cking stupid?

In order to hold that much data, we would have to go RAID zero, no backup, so if we lose even one platter, we lose Melcher's data permanently.

Plus, in Anton's present condition, I'm afraid he might totally melt down.

- We have to call Melcher.

- No, we are not calling Melcher.

If we tell him about any of this, that would be su1c1de.

Look, if we're gonna die, let's just die.

Why do we have to take Anton with us?

Jesus, man.

You know that thing's not alive, right?

- f*ck your dumb machine.

- Wait.

Do you?

Do you actually f*ck your dumb machine?

- Is that the secret on your phone?

- f*ck you.

- f*ck you!

Do you raw-dog it?

- Guys.

Guys.

Guys!

Or do you put a condom on your tiny penis and f*ck it in safe mode?

Just f*ck each other and get it over with.

"Oh, Anton, f*ck me!" - I will f*ck both of you - (Dinesh shouting)

- Gentlemen!

This is Gladys.

- Gilfoyle: f*ck you.

She's interviewing to be my replacement.

Hello.

I like your sweater.

Maybe let's talk outside.

- Great.

- It's just right through here.

Gilfoyle, Anton is going to be fine, okay?

Just spin him up.

Please?

All right, buddy.

- (whirring)

- Let's see what you're made of.

Outstanding.

I'm sorry that you had to witness that scene in there.

It probably gave you the impression that the company is in disarray, but I can assure you, there's a very simple explanation for that.

- It it is.

- Sorry?

Yeah, even setting aside our CEO's sexual distortion, adultery, and lowbrow scatlogical vandalism, we're still essentially a a criminal operation whose only real product is dangerous malware.

I see you're fluent in Japanese.

Are are you gonna be comfortable with casual racism?

I'm sorry.

What happened here?

Uh, arson.

(distant monks chanting)

- (whispering)

Hsst!

Gavin.

- What?

That wasn't really breakfast, was it?

Yeah.

- Seriously?

- Shh!

(sighs)

What are you doing?

Well, I'm watching an episode of House.

Put that f*cking thing away.

Are you afraid it's gonna blow up?

'Cause it won't.

It's not a HooliPhone.

Why would a HooliPhone blow up?

Hey!

We're done with the migrating!

How's it going in here?

Don't touch the f*cking lights.

One surge and we're dead.

- What the f*ck?

- What?

Oh, the eyes.

They're contacts.

Okay, how we looking?

Jesus Christ!

I broke my glasses.

I don't have an extra pair, so I had to pull these out of a drawer.

I had 'em made for All Hallows' Eve.

I was a cat.

How are we looking?

Did it all fit?

Yes, but Anton is overheating already.

We're about to fry three of our platters.

I said this was a bad idea.

f*ck.

What are we gonna do?

Excuse me.

Just FYI, Gladys turned us down.

Oh, hey, Richard, long time, no talk.

Yeah, we've all been busy, so.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

Hey, listen, Big Head, do you think I could get your Stanford login so I can access the faculty server array?

Oh jeez.

Uh, I don't think I can do that, man.

Sure you can, man.

Just click on "Forgot password.

" No, um, it-it it's just, um, I'm kinda on super-thin ice with the head of the CS department right now.

After Erlich's whole SeeFood thing, Standford started looking into my academic background, realized that I don't really have one, and now I'm on probation, and they've got this real teacher sitting in, watching me.

That is that is a bummer.

But hey, Big Head, they do, um, genome sequence analysis on the Sherlock cluster.

They're not gonna notice a few more measly petabytes, all right?

We'll just get on and get off before anyone even notices we're there.

Yeah?

Come on, man.

I need this, all right?

I wouldn't ask you otherwise.

All right.

My username is "password" and my password is "password.

" Your username is "password"?

It was just easier.

Okay, Big Head came through.

I've already reserved the resources.

We can start the transfer whenever we're ready.

Slight problem.

I can't get online.

What the f*ck?

I can't get on either.

Gilfoyle, did you fry the f*cking router again?

No!

Jared!

Did you pay the broadband bill?

No.

I mean, we don't have the funds.

- What?

- I tried to bring it to your attention, but you said, "f*ck off, Mom.

" Wait.

Are you telling me Anton is completely cut off from the outside world?

Which means Melcher's data is offline.

We're in breach.

sh*t.

Okay, uh you guys keep Anton alive.

I will figure something out.

A product recall on that scale?

What the f*ck is Barker thinking?

Uh, I was only at eight percent, so if you could close some applications.

Monk: Cell phone?

Lama-la, I I need to know what Hooli stock is doing.

Enlightenment or ignorance.

You must choose.

Erlich, get the bags.

- (Dan mumbles)

- (phone buzzing)

Richard Hendricks.

What's up?

Hi.

I was just calling to let you know that, um we're gonna have to take the network down just for a little bit for some routine maintenance, so your data might be inaccessible.

What?

Richard: Yeah.

Oh, just for an hour or two.

- Nothing major.

- Richard you're supposed to give me 72 hours' notice for any disruption of service.

Richard: No, I know, I know, I know, but this is just to improve - your user experience, because we care.

- Dinesh: Falling!

Falling!

- (crashes)

- Gilfoyle: What the f*ck are you doing?

- Dinesh: Would you f*cking - Dan: Is everything okay over there?

- (thunks)

- (Gilfoyle screams)

Yeah.

"Okay"?

(laughs)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dan.

Danny, Dan-Dan.

It's totally normal.

Totally normal.

Look, as long as you have it back online, you know, - before we open in the morning.

- Yes, of course.

Hey, you want to talk to Liz?

- No.

No, no.

I - I'm gonna go get some cake from the back.

Why?

They bring it to us.

That's okay.

I'm just gonna go to them.

(chuckles)

All right.

She's going to them.

- Never get married, Richard.

- Women, right?

(scoffs)

- I'll talk to you.

Yes.

- Bye.

(phone clicks)

We'll go to them.

Guys, we'll go to them.

- Who?

- Standford!

If we move Anton to Stanford, we can plug him directly into the cluster, and we'll be back online before Fiduciated opens.

It's perfect.

Yeah, except for the part about moving Anton to f*cking Stanford.

How the f*ck are we gonna do that?

We take him apart, move him, put him back together.

- That's insane.

- Okay, well, unless you happen to have a three-mile long Ethernet cable hidden up your f*cking assh*le, that's the plan!

Is Big Head gonna be okay with us just showing up with three tons of unauthorized equipment?

Yeah!

I just spoke to him on the phone.

He was like, "Uh, yeah.

" (chuckling)

Okay, do it.

I'll get the truck.

I'll get a truck.

Erlich: You know, I flew all the way here, to Tibet, on my own dime.

You've k*lled my battery.

I don't feel the slightest bit more spiritually centered.

Can this thing go any faster?

- Richard.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you, Jared.

Uh, so, what what time did Big Head say he needed us there?

I don't know.

He said whenever.

Typically, campus security requires a specific window - for deliveries of this size.

- Okay.

Did you send him an inventory, so that he could request and clear a static IP address for each server?

No.

No.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Maybe I'll just give him a call.

Nah, it's fine.

It's fine.

It'll be fine.

- Well, maybe I'll just text him.

- Jared!

Oh my God!

Just just stop with the second-guessing, hand-wringing, pearl-clutching bullshit, okay, for just, like, a f*cking minute.

You know what?

Um, I waive your two weeks.

- You can go.

- What?

You wanted to go?

Go.

Bye.

Thanks.

I'll order a Lyft home and (whispers)

What the f*ck was that?

You fired him?

He already quit, remember?

Besides, he was being a f*cking assh*le.

Jared was being an assh*le?

Do you want to go with him?

Because, if you haven't noticed, if we don't get this sh*t to Standford and all set up by 9:00 a. m. , we are f*cked!

Jack: Okay, listen up, everybody, here's the deal.

I was just talking to your foreman, Jung-Sho (speaks Chinese)

and he seems to feel that you are all working at maximum capacity and that you cannot work any harder.

But I have just flown from America, and I'm here to prove to you that he is wrong.

You can work harder, much harder.

How?

With a little system I like to call the conjoined triangles of success!

- Come on.

- (speaks Mandarin)

Emily Chang: Breaking news.

Hooli CEO Jack Barker has been taken hostage by workers at a Hooli factory in China, which produces cell phones.

I want everyone to know I haven't been harmed and the workers here have assured me that I will only be held as their honored guest until Hooli has met their very reasonable request for fair wages and for humane conditions.

- On a more personal note, honey - (man speaks Mandarin)

I have to stop now.

Gilfoyle: All right.

Holy sh*t.

I think we can actually make it.

All right.

- (exhales deeply)

- Okay.

(starter clicking)

What the f*ck?

sh*t.

We must've left the work lights on all night.

(sighs)

Well, do we have jumper cables?

- Jared did.

- Triple-A?

- Sounds like a Jared thing.

- Richard: Wait.

Aren't Anton's racks full of backup batteries?

(Richard sighs)

Okay.

How much longer?

Give us a minute.

We just need to connect a few more.

(engine starts)

Uh, try it now.

Just f*ck the batteries!

We don't need 'em!

Let's go!

- Dinesh: Okay, hold on.

- Oh my God, just throw them away!

Okay, dude.

Go, go.

- (tires screech)

- Oh Jesus!

sh*t.

Oh, hey, Ashley.

That was close.

Well, look, it won't be the last time you stop traffic, huh?

Little hottie.

But not now, when you're older.

I'm sorry, we have to We have to go.

Bye.

- Back up, back up.

Thank you.

- (engine revs)

Big Head.

Hey, I need you to meet me at the loading dock behind Spilker in 10 minutes.

I'll explain there.

Now's not really a great time, Richard.

I'm sort of in the middle of something.

Wait.

You said you already explained.

Yeah, I know.

I did.

Yeah, it's just Big Head.

Come on, buddy, I need you.

Okay.

(clears throat)

Be right there.

Can I go to the bathroom?

Are you sure?

We don't want to inconvenience you.

It's no trouble at all, and there's no need to send a negotiator.

I'm in Tibet.

It's right next door.

Well, we'd be grateful to have this in such good hands.

We've missed you, Gavin.

Perhaps when you return, we Please.

The only thing I'm concerned with right now is bringing our boy home safe.

f*ck you, Jack Barker!

Hah!

(grunts)

- Hey.

- (inhales)

Opium?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

I was on the phone for, like, three minutes.

Big Head.

- Come on, get up.

- (laughing)

We need to get to the airstrip.

(sighs)

(tires screech)

sh*t.

sh*t.

Come on.

Let's go, let's go.

Start unloading it.

Come on.

Hey, man, so did you ever transfer all that data?

No, we just gotta unload our servers near the Sherlock arrays.

Servers?

Richard, man, I told you, now is not a good time for this.

- I know, I know, I know.

- Dinesh: You d*ck.

You never told Big Head - we were bringing Anton here, did you?

- Who's Anton?

He's everything that's packed into the back - of this giant f*cking truck.

- (Richard scoffs)

And you want to set it all up here?

- (chuckles)

- Oh, dude, come on.

I told you I'm, like, so close to getting fired.

Big Head, come on.

It's just for a bit.

Richard, you specifically told us that Big Head said this was okay.

That's what you f*cking told us!

You lied to our faces again.

Come on, guys, we don't have time for this.

You were just going to show up and f*cking steamroll him?

That was your whole plan?

He's your oldest friend, and you're okay just getting him fired?

He's Big Head!

He's gonna fall ass-backward into something, you know?

- He always does.

- I'm not doing it.

- (scoffs)

What?

- I'm out too.

Now?

We're-we're-we're we're so We we got it.

We're here.

W-we did it.

You hypocrites.

You f*cking hypocrites.

When I wouldn't use the fake users, you called me a p*ssy.

When I wouldn't lie on the stand, you called me a p*ssy.

But now, when I'm actually doing what you've been wanting me to do, you quit?

You're the pussies.

You are the pussies.

I'm the only one that's trying to f*cking save what we do here!

All this time we spent building this thing, and now, now it falls apart because you two don't f*cking do it?

- This is too much for you?

Well, f*ck you!

- Hey, guys?

This is fine.

- What?

- Yeah, my bad.

I thought you were talking about a lot more stuff.

Gre - Gilfoyle: Oh - Dinesh: f*ck.

f*ck.

So, anyways, my office is unlocked if you guys just wanna, like, toss that on my desk or whatever.

I should probably get back, though, before that teacher guy gets me in trouble.

I'll see you guys.

Richard: How?

Who?

You had me open up the back to get the batteries, and then you told me not to put them back, so no one You know who would've remembered to close the door?

Jared.

(phone buzzing)

Richard: It's Melcher.

Good luck with that.

(sighs)

(truck door opens, closes)

(engine starts)

(phone buzzes)

(knocks on door)

Richard.

Can I come in?

Umm (clears throat)

I have company.

- (woman laughing)

- Is there a girl in there?

(women laughing)

How many girls are in there?

Richard, what do you want from me?

Nothing, it's just you were right about all of it.

I k*lled Anton, and, uh, I lost all of Melcher's data, everybody f*cking hates me, and I'm basically one blood boy away from being Gavin Belson.

I did not (clears throat)

run the company with integrity but (clears throat)

I'm gonna end it with some.

I'm going to Melcher's office, and I'm coming clean.

Anyway (sighs)

I'm really f*cking sorry, man.

Well, I'll leave you alone now.

Hey.

"This guy fucks.

" (chuckles)

Jared: Richard!

- What's this?

- It's a job application.

I'd like to submit myself for a position with Pied Piper.

I'd really like to be there till the bitter end.

"Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40.

" That's the wrong one.

(jet engines humming)

I gotta say, Gavin when that storeroom door opened, and I saw your face grinning down at me, I thought it was an angel.

(laughs)

When we get home, I'm going to do everything in my power to get you back in the good graces of the Hooli board.

I can use a fellow of your talents, sir.

That's very gracious of you, Jack.

Thank you.

Woman: Welcome aboard, gentlemen.

Our flying time to Mountain View is 11 hours and 36 minutes, and we will be stopping off in Jackson Hole first.

Oh.

Stopping off at Jackson Hole, are you, Gavin?

- (chuckles)

- No, Jack.

You are.

Jackson Hole is definitively out of the way.

Everyone knows that.

But I don't mind dropping you off first, this one last time.

(elevator dings)

(office phone rings)

Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

Jared called us.

If you're gonna eat a giant plate of steaming hot sh*t, we figured it should probably be a team effort.

(people chattering)

Okay.

Thanks.

Uh, I'll go check in.

Hi, could you tell Dan Melcher that Richard Hendricks and the guys from Pied Piper are here to see him?

You guys are Pied Piper?

The guys who built our data storage network?

It's awesome.

Oh.

yeah, it was awesome until it crashed this morning.

I was just using it two minutes ago.

It's working fine.

- Really?

- Man: Yeah.

Uh what's he talking about?

- (beeps)

- Richard: It's up.

All of Melcher's data is there.

How is that possible?

What are those devices?

Those aren't phones.

(laughing creepily)

(whispers)

Why the f*ck are you laughing?

You look f*cking insane right now.

Look at that OUI prefixes in these MAC addresses.

Yeah, okay, so what are those?

Smart fridges.

About 30,000 of them.

Come again?

Jian-Yang's smart fridge must have been self-correcting.

In order to fit my "Suck it, Jian-Yang" video onto his fridge, I had to add Pied Piper libraries to the firmware.

Other smart fridges must've seen this as an update.

- What?

- The smart fridges talk to each other, and they share the new software.

Right, so when we put that data onto Anton, the last thing he did before he d*ed was back himself up onto a huge network of smart fridges.

Anton d*ed so we could live.

Like Jesus.

Oh f*ck.

(laughs)

Guys, do you realize what just happened?

We're still alive.

The network is stable.

- Gilfoyle: Mm-hmm.

- The new Internet works, and this is the proof.

- We did it!

- Richard: Yes, we did.

Wait a minute.

If Melcher never lost access to his data, what's he so upset about?

Richard!

Richard!

I'm so sorry.

We were tasting cakes, and then you called, - and then it just came out.

- What came out?

- You son of a bitch!

- Save yourself!

(screams)

- (punches thudding)

- I'm guessing there's a story here.

- Jared: Stand down!

No, no, no!

- Dan: That's it!

Help!

- Gavin.

- Mmm.

I like your hair.

I like your eye.

Yeah, I I got it from a woman.

She didn't hit me.

No, the man did because of sex that I gave to her.

So welcome home, and congratulations on getting your business back.

Thank you.

And I should congratulate you on your remarkable tech breakthrough.

I hear you're swimming in funding offers.

A few.

I think we're gonna go with Bream-Hall.

- They seem to get us.

- You haven't seen all the offers yet.

Richard, we were partners once.

I'd like to do it again.

This is an acquisition offer, and it will make you a very wealthy man.

Let's do this together.

That's very kind of you.

- But - Richard, at least look it over.

I can help you get exactly where you want to go.

I'm pretty sure I know where I want to go and how to get there.

If you reject me now, Richard, I will come after you.

I'll devour you.

Think very carefully about what you're doing here.

Here's what I think, Gavin.

I think my decentralized Internet threatens Hooli's box business model.

I think, basically, you are just a server company now, and we intend to make servers obsolete.

So, I think perhaps in the end, I will be the one devouring you.

I gave you that patent.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Fair enough, Richard.

I shall look forward to the fight.

(chuckles)

Right back at you, Gavy, baby.

Gavin.

Oh, um, did Erlich ever show up in Tibet?

No.

Jesus.

What the hell did he order?

(mariachi music playing)

No.

No.

no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Stop.

Stop it.

Stop it.

No.

Don't.

(hip-hop music playing)

(woman vocalizes)

Cash rules everything around me I'm fresh out the slum, rich bum, n*gga now I live dumb Talking about that crane, leaning in the Tower of Pisa Seven visas, got condos in the jungle The mind stay rich, but the pockets is well-built Violate the slow area, you melt, I'm telling ya, man Don't want no part of this fam Get punched in the water like clams KKK slices, still one of the nicest things Steel sharp swords dipped in ricin Everybody eat, everybody bulge Just a young bull lighting the Philly, still a Willy Forlorn in the Bentley with the wall on him Yo, I'll sleep when I'm dead, like the hood homies Who get it cracking in the park, Holmes Park Hill narcos smoking Let their bones turn to charcoal Let's get richer, kid Signature Louis Rich Won't stop until there's billions in this bitch