01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Windsors...

Prince Philip's ordered MI6 to assassinate me if I go within five miles of the palace.

I'm proud of my gypsy heritage.

You'll sh*t out Tony Blair within the next 72 hours.

We're gonna have to get jobs.

I've been getting this funny feeling I've never had before... around Pippa.

You're in the first flushes of irritable bowel syndrome.

Oh, my God, I'm pregnant.

Well, that's going straight into my top ten plaque unveilings of all time.

Public don't realise what sheer bloody hard work pulling a small rope can be.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I don't know, I was just wondering whether what we do as royals is... a bit wank.

Oh, don't be so bloody ridiculous.

In fact, maybe you should tackle the next engagement.

Probably the most arduous duty a royal can ever perform -- throwing a bottle of champagne at a ship, saying two sentences and being driven away in a Jag.

Eugenie, I've just had the most brilliant idea for an online business.

Bit bigger, please.

Go, man.

A dating app for aristocrats and the people that want to have sex with them.

Sort of Tinder for toffs?

Exactly.

Bit bigger, please.

Oh, but isn't that what Henley Regatta is?

Yeah, but this is online.

Yeah, a smidge bigger.

You've f*cking smashed it, Sis!

We'll be richer than Mark Zuckerberg.

Won't we?!

Just a sliver more.

Perfect.

It's not bad, but when you say, "God bless all who sail in her," you really need to hit "sail" harder.

You know, "God bless all who SAIL in her."

Yeah, I think I've got that now, Dad.

What's the matter with you? You've been a misery guts all day.

You got me sacked from the air ambulance.

Well, this is your destiny.

Well, it's pointless.

I mean, centuries ago, we ruled countries and led armies in to battle.

And now we go to Bond premieres and support Pinewood Studios -- it's exactly the same thing.

Oh, rubbish. Face it, Daddy, we've outgrown our usefulness, like nipples on men.

I'm as important as a nipple on a woman!

Excuse me, your royal highness.

Ah, Sir Lenny Henry, how are you?

No, I'm not Sir Lenny.

Do forgive me, President Obama.

No, I'm not President Obama either.

Oh, God, Ainsley something?

I'm Richard.

Richard.

You used to know my mother, one of the Three Degrees.

Which one?

The one in the middle.

How is she?

Quite well.

Quite, quite well.

Would you mind just dialling down the street slang a bit, I'm sort of...

So sorry, it's just there's something I thought you should know.

You once were... intimate with her in the bogs round the back of Seaside Special.

Really?

I don't remember. The whole of the '70s is a bit of a blur.

What exactly are you saying?

You're my father.

Hello, girls. Well done.

It's a scandal you're not allowed in, Mummy.

Well, I can't risk it. Prince Philip's monitoring my every move.

So, is Daddy here?

He's over there.

Aaargh!

Gotcha!

My fingers are broken!

It's a joke!

Now laugh.

Oh, I see.

That's very funny.

I remember when he used to do that to me.

He's just naturally funny.

Wouldn't it be great if we could get Mum and Dad back together?

Yeah, but how?

Eureka! We could use our new app.

Oh, Eugenie, we could be a happy family again, just like we were in January and February 1994.

Soon, my precious, you will be removed from my body under general anaesthetic and the dynasty shall begin.

Something funny, darling?

Yeah, I'm just happy to finish painting the nursery.

Oh, good, good, good.

Erm, listen, darling, something I need to tell you.

I met a chap yesterday who claimed -- CLAIMED, mind -- er, to be my lovechild.

What?

Yes, from a dalliance he says I had with one of the Three Degrees.

Well, did you?

Who knows?

I'm afraid everything from 1970 to '81 is a bit of a blur.

Which one of the Three Degrees?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

Which one?

The one in the middle.

Tuh!

Why didn't you use protection?

Well, it was the '70s -- I liked to go in bareback.

It's not proved yet.

But if it is?

Oh, if it is, then he'll be Britain's first black king.

See you tomorrow, Deidre.

Oh, Pippa.

Harry, hi. I was just, er... passing.

Are you all right?

Er, yeah, it's my irritable bowel syndrome --

I only get it when I see you.

I give you diarrhoea?

Yeah, it used to be curry.

Actually, Pips, I was just leaving...

There's some sort of flap on at the Australian Embassy and the Foreign Office want me to sort it.

You?

Yeah, apparently I'm the closest thing to an Australian we've got.

In the royal family?

In the country.

Um... hey, why don't you come along?

OK! Oh, I haven't got time to go home and change though.

We've just had a new bin liner come in.

Oh.

Wow.

Smells of wee.

It's working.

There's a Duke in Gloucester in the market for a hand shandy.

And a contestant in the Midlands wants to be done up the Duchy.

Oh, Mum and Dad's applications are in, let's have a look.

Dad would like to meet a woman any age between 19 and 20.

Well, Mummy looks young for her age.

Tick. Must have blonde hair.

Mummy's strawberry blonde.

Tick. And must enjoy asphyxiation prior to orgasm.

Tick.

Well, they're on then.

Hey, for their blind date, why don't we send them to the place they first met?

The disabled toilets at Annabel's?

Um, mum's been barred.

Oh.

Just a nice restaurant then.

Hazza!

I'm Malcolm Turnbull, Prime Minister of all Australia.

This is Pippa.

Of course, I'd know that arse anywhere.

If you don't mind, Prime Minister, I prefer to be known for my party planning books.

Forgive me, my wife and I follow your party planning advice assiduously.

As you can see, we've opened the wine and put it on a table.

Oh, I'm impressed, but... no nibbles.

Oh, contraire.

Bravo.

You two aren't an item, are you?

Oh, no, no.

No. No, no, no, no.

That's right, we're not.

Do you mind if we...?

Go ahead.

We've got a problem.

The folks back home think we should leave the Commonwealth.

They reckon an hereditary monarchy is bloody stupid.

Plus, they think your dad's a poof.

But the Commonwealth is the most important organisation in the world.

Er, right, yeah, if you like.

Anyway, it's a big ask, but I want you to marry my daughter.

Oh, that IS a big ask.

What does she look like?

She's over there.

Oh, I don't know, Malcolm.

No, that's my mum, you dickhead.

THAT'S Ashleigh.

Oh, she's a belter!

But, er, I really need to get to know a girl.

Wanna watch some cricket? Just had a 90-inch TV put in my bedroom.

Pippa, I'd like you to meet my fiance.

Thank you all for coming.

I've gathered you all here today because this gentleman, Richard, has made a claim to be my son.

Oh, well, welcome aboard. Um, who's your mum?

One of the Three Degrees.

Oh, wh...?

Er, the one in the middle.

Mm.

A DNA test has been conducted.

If positive, it means he'll replace you, William, the second in line to the throne after me because, whatever happens, I will be King first.

Ready?

Yah.

Let the chops fall where they may.

Second in line to the throne after me is...

Richard.

It's a match. You have my DNA.

You mean...?

My boy, welcome to the family.

As for you, I think you'd better leave.

Wills!

Don't worry, Mummy will take care of it.

Phew! I'm just glad there's never been any doubt about my DNA.

So that's it. They say, "Careful what you wish for."

You'll be all right.

Edward VIII, who abdicated in 1936.

Yes. But I went on to have an immensely fulfilling life.

Doing what?

For one thing, I spent 46 years developing this tie knot and I also visited Adolf h*tler.

Oh, yeah, just before the w*r.

No, it was in the '60s in Argentina.

Oh, I've said too much.

Wills.

Kate. Are you upset you're not going to be queen?

Of course not. I married you for the wonderful guy you are, and not because you were going to be King and inherit the Duchy of Cornwall, currently valued at £763 million.

What will I do?

What you've always wanted to do, fly helicopters and help people.

Yes, of course, we're going to be free.

We can live our own lives and not in the palace, but just in a castle or a normal stately home.

That's not normal.

When Pips and I were shunted from site to site due to legislation that was prejudicial towards the travelling community, I always wanted to live in a semi, here.

Where is it?

Rickmansworth.

Oh, sorry I couldn't be more help. This bloody sciatica.

Uncle Edward, are you sure this new business venture's going to work?

Oh, well, it's got to, Wills. I put everything in to it.

In fact, I borrowed money from some... people.

But today's been good, hasn't it?

Yeah, no, you, er, helped put some boxes INTO the van.

You know, I really feel like I'm turning my life round.

Little bit awkward, but...

Oh, yah, well, we said 500, didn't we?

Yes, yes, plus tip. Er, which is discretionary.

Call it 600?

Um, yes, er, if you think that's fair.

Sorry, I have to take this.

I'll get you the money.

I can't work without my thumbs.

Knock-knock.

Pippa.

I bought you a house-warming present.

What's that for?

Shovelling sh*t.

What?!

For when you're back on your horse and cart collecting scrap metal.

Oh, I could never go back to tinkering -- the traffic jams it used to cause.

Oh, you weren't that bothered when you shut half the roads in London for your wedding.

It united a whole nation.

So does a Big Brother eviction, but that doesn't cost a billion quid in lost GDP.

It was a magical day.

The only thing anyone called magic was my arse.

So, what are you going to do in Rickmansworth?

I'm going to sign on... prior to becoming a vet.

Vet? You're not qualified to brush a donkey.

No, but when they see how good I am at drawing animals they'll snap me up.

You live in a f*cking dream world.

Pippa, you wouldn't be like this if you just had what Wills and I have got.

If only Harry didn't have to go through with this arranged marriage.

Arranged marriage?

Oh, I thought you knew.

He has to marry the Australian Prime Minister's daughter to save the Commonwealth, the most important organisation in the world.

I see.

Then it's not too late.

No, Pippa, it is.

They've already booked a Little Mix tribute band for the reception, which was slightly more expensive than Little Mix.

I want him and I always get what I want.

Why? Do you love him?

Of course not.

But when I do get him, I'll be the princess and you'll be the pauper.

See how you like that, you sanctimonious cow.

Yeah.

Me and the lads have chipped in and got you a prozzy.

Wait! Well, I-I am marrying your daughter.

It's a stag do.

She's in there.

Give her one for me!

Pip... Pippa.

So, er, who's the prost*tute?

She is.

Oh, yeah, I see.

But, Pippa, just so you know, you are pretty enough to be a prost*tute.

Harry, those feelings you said you had in your tummy...

Oh, my irritable bowel syndrome.

Do you think they might be something else other than irritable bowel syndrome?

Cancer?

No.

Look, there's something I want to say to you, but it's hard.

You see, I've never said this to anyone before, and...

Then I'll make it easy.

Yes, I do want to have a threesome with you and this prost*tute.

Are you up for it?

Listen, Harry, I...

Pippa Middleton, she could've charged an extra 50 quid.

Oh.

I need to talk to Harry.

Er, so does this young lady and she's on the clock.

Harry, I...

OMG! She's here.

Snap.

Andrew!

You!

You're not 19.

I've got a sneaking suspicion that someone set us up.

You're not 19!

Oh, well, better not disappoint them.

Or 20.

It's not working. Should've kept our beaks out.

No, Eugenie, look!

Gotcha!

He always did know how to make Mummy laugh.

This is just like the '80s.

Yeah, except now we'll probably have to pay.

Oh, bollocks.

The police want to interview me about supposedly exposing myself to Hillary Clinton.

Did you?

Of course. But it was a joke.

Nobody's got a bloody sense of humour any more.

I've gotta try and keep this out of the papers. Sorry, Fergs.

A pint of lager, please, mate.

Oh, darling?

Snakebite and black.

Oh, excuse me, your highnesses. These are on the house.

Oh, no, no, no, we've left the royal family.

Yeah, we're just Wills and Kate, two normal people who happen to live in Rickmansworth.

Oh, right, Well, in that case it's £8.40.

Ah, is this one £10?

Hm, yep, that's right.

Actually, it's this one.

Yes, you think I'd know in my line of work.

So, you, er, you ain't going to be king and queen no more?

Nope, we're just going to be plain old Mr and Mrs Windsor, only without the castle.

Oh, plain old Mr and Mrs Windsor, only without the castle.

Yeah. Oh.

'Oh, my God, people used to laugh just because I was a prince, I'm not the funniest man in the world.'

Ah, I'll have another, please.

You'll make a worthy successor to me, Richard.

Obviously, I'll be a bit better.

Thanks, but what'll happen to Wills now?

Never mention that boy's name again.

Once you leave the royal family, you're dead.

Like when Brian McFadden left Westlife.

You're the future now.

You don't mind waiting a few years to be king, do you?

Only with my diet and medical care, I'm predicted to live till I'm 150.

Oh, I'm no rush. By the way, can I call you Dad?

You can.

Or His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, High Steward of Scotland and Duke of Cornwall.

I'll leave it up to you.

Ah, Richard, to welcome you in to the family, I've bought you a little pressie.

Look out the window.

Wow! How did you know motorbikes were my passion?

I had GCHQ hack into your e-mails.

Thanks. Can I call you Mum?

You can call me whatever you like.

Won't be for long.

Mum, your Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, High Steward of Scotland and Duke of Cornwall.

Oh, Daddy's here.

Daddy!

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Are they going to keep the story out the papers about you exposing yourself to Hillary Clinton?

Yes, the old boy pulled a few strings.

Well, it's not often I say this, but thank goodness for the Duke of Edinburgh.

There was a condition.

What?

You're to be exiled to America and you have to wear this.

What? Why?

They don't want you going on any more chat shows.

How could you agree to this, Daddy?

I can't risk another scandal.

It could start to damage my reputation.

He's right.

Goodbye, Andrew.

Bye, Fergs.

Good.

It'll be all right, Mummy.

Yes. It'll be all right.

Oh, well, at least the app's going OK.

Oh, no.

What's occurring?

We're being sued by Debrett's for using their database on our app, and for calling our app Debrett's.

sh1tting Nora!

Honey, I'm home.

That's amazing!

And I've put George and Charlotte's names down at the C of E school.

Great, how much is it?

It's free, silly.

Although we do have to go to church one Sunday in every three.

And I hope you don't mind, but I agreed to host book group tonight.

Do you think that's enough pino grig?

Um, well, how many women in their early 30s will there be?

Four.

Better get another crate.

But, listen, I've got fantastic news, the North London Air Ambulance is based right here in Rickmansworth.

I start on Monday!

Oh, darling, everything's falling into place.

You know what today is, don't you?

Oh, yes.

Someone must've helped him with it.

Let's go.

Won't it be awkward with your dad?

Oh, sod it.

What time does it start?

Let's just go.

I couldn't believe it when you asked me to be best man.

I haven't had a call like that since I got in to Cambridge with two Ds and a C.

So you have got the rings?

Absolutely, I'm determined to make this a complete success.

Oh!

Oh, I knew you'd bollock it up, Eddie.

That's why I brought a spare set.

Oh, er...

Oh, God, we are a pair of fuckwits.

We'll just have to improvise.

Improvise.

Got you.

Improvise. Improvi... Ha, ladies and gentlemen, can I have a kitchen implement and a song genre?

A wooden spoon and musical theatre.

Right.

Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting, we have to open the doors ourselves.

Do you, Henry Charles Albert David, known as Harry, Shagger, Spliff Head, E Monster, Adolf, sh*t-For-Brains Windsor, take this woman, Ashleigh, to be your lawful wedded wife?

Oh.

I'm sorry, Ashleigh, I...

I don't think I can do this.

You f*cking what, mate?

Would it help if I showed you my tits again?

No, Ashleigh.

But I'll always have those photos you texted.

And I'll always have your d*ck pics.

You'll pay for this, Windsor.

We're leaving the Commonwealth.

Pippa?

Pippa?!

Pippa!

What is it, darling?

It's Richard.

The brakes on his new motorcycle have failed.

He's dead.

Poor, poor Richard.

Yes.

But you know what this means?

Yah.

I'm going to be king again.

Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.

I'm so sorry, Wills.

And you just got the hang of the washing machine.

Oh.

It's a tragedy.

He was only 38, he had another 120 years left to live.

So, seems like you're going to be king after all.

One of your sons is dead, another has walked out of his wedding and that's all you've got to say?

But only after me. Me first, then you.

Got it?

Argh!

The baby!