01x04 - Kn*fe to a Gunfight

[bunniefuu]

So what was so pressing that you demanded a work lunch?

What, warrants piling up? Evidence to review?

Fully loaded potato skin Tuesday.

Oh, I had a craving, and it's just so gross to eat alone.

It's much funner to share it with your favorite bailiff.

Uh-uh, no, no, I can't eat like that.

Look, next thing you know, I'll have a belly and look like Winnie the Pooh in all my T-shirts.

Mmm.

Take a subtle, very subtle look across the bar.

See that guy sitting over there?

He look familiar?

Where? Where?

Didn't I try him in my courtroom a couple years back?

Yes, that's him. That's the guy.

I know, it's Byron Cash. I remember him.

Remember the case?

Yeah, yeah, dr*gs, weapons.

I can't believe he's out already.

An ex-con chilling at a cop bar, a cop bar everybody knows is Judge Wright's spot.

Don't feel right. Mm-mm, nah.

[Shouting]

Don't... feel right!

Okay, take it down a notch, Tedward.

Come on, man, I'm a judge.

These things happen all the time.

You try a guy, you put 'em away, they get out.

Yeah, next thing you know, they hunt you down, s*ab you in the head. Yeah, I know how it goes.

Starting to freak me out.

We have the upper hand right now.

Let's not waste it.

As your court officer, everything I am, everything I know has led to this moment.

[Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You plays]

And if that man has harm planned for you, it is my duty to stand between you and that harm.

Tedward, are you saying you want to be the black Kevin Costner to my white Whitney Houston?

He's on the move... I got to get you out of here safe.

[Whispers]

What are you doing... with your jacket?

This doesn't just happen.

[Upbeat music]

Did you get the Charlie Lewis case?

All right, don't over-think this one, Judge.

Cut and dry.

Your only decision is gonna be 25 years or life.

Guy does not deserve 25 to life, Tom.

Are you kidding?

It's a slam dunk.

The law means this third strike is mandatory minimum.

Yeah, but look at his crimes, Tom.

Strike one... Grand Theft Auto.

Come on!

[Groans]

Seriously.

Strike two... Grand Larceny.

This one is really stretching it.

Hey, man, don't sweat it.

I'm gonna pay for everything I eat.

You're gonna pay $300 for a jar of caviar?

[Laughs maniacally]

Oh!

Which brings us to this case, his third strike.

Mother of Pearl handle, very nice.

[Whistles]

2 hunny?

That's pretty steep, my man.

All right, I'm taking the pretty Kn*fe, so nobody do anything stupid.

Well, well, well.

Looks like we got ourselves a standoff.

The guy literally brought a Kn*fe to a g*n fight.

I mean, the only person he endangered was himself.

I'm gonna put this guy away for a long, long time.

Tom... Tom!

Tom, three strikes is misguided, and you know it.

It was meant to keep murderers, rapists, and child molesters off the street.

And instead we're...

Judge Hernandez! handing down sentences to guys like Charlie...

Judge Hernandez, Your Honor, Your Honor, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, Judge Gandhi here is trying to pull off her philosophical anarchism nonsense.

Listen, you two, it's my week off, and I'm not gonna spend any me time refereeing one of your annoying little scraps.

No...

So, Counselor, man up.

You mean Mani-pedi up.

And Judge Wright, you follow the letter of the law.

Understood?

Understood, sir.

And have a wonderful time on your vacation.

Thank you.

Yeah, at what I can only assume is a Navajo surf camp.

No, no...

Oh, hi, Judge.

Is it casual Friday?

'Cause I'm in the mood for a little casual ah-ah!

You know?

Good God.

Sorry!

Wait!

Did I misread this whole situation?

I wish I hadn't seen any of that.

Tom, I'm just asking you to be reasonable.

Of course Charlie deserves some jail time, okay?

But 25 to life?

That's what we give violent criminals.

It just... just... it just doesn't fit.

Well, Judge, I'm the D.A.

So I'm gonna do what I want.

I just hope Charlie has a good defense attorney.

Your Honor, I've decided to represent myself.

And I just want to say I, uh...

I think it's cool they're letting chicks do this whole judge thing now.

[Rock music]

[Sighs]

Tedward, I got this, okay?

Just like I told you when you stood guard outside my stall in the ladies' room.

Oh, you know, yeah, okay, that was...

That was a bad... that was a bad idea.

You think?

But I am not backing off until I'm sure that Byron Cash is not a thr*at.

[Alarm disengage beep]

Got some of the P.D. guys on the lookout too.

Tedward, I miss my van.

Rental car place only had these mini SUVs left.

I'm like a chick magnet for 30-something lesbians.

Hey, Judge Wright.

Is that your new ride?

Dig it.

See what I mean?

Actually, she's kind of cute.

[Women singing on radio]

Yeah.

You know, there was this one time in college I did...

Uh, believe me... believe me, I want to hear this story.

Like, I do. I want to hear exactly what you did.

Yeah, you do.

But for now...

What is that?

What is that?

It's just a... note.

"You ready to die?"

No signature.

You need more evidence than this?

All right.

Byron Cash wants revenge.

Look, no more screwing around, Judge.

You're getting a g*n.

I'm not getting a g*n.

Yes, you are.

I'm not getting a g*n!

You've seen me at McDonald's when I miss the breakfast cutoff.

You want to add a w*apon to that mix?

You deal with violent criminals.

And one of them might be screwing with me right now.

Okay, I get it, Tedward. I do.

So I'll lock my doors, and I'll even have the cops drive by.

That's not enough.

[Quirky music]

Rebecca...

Rebecca!

[Screams]

Aaaahhhh!

Not the face!

Not the face!

What!

Tedward, what the hell?

I'll tell you what the hell.

In under three minutes, I broke in your house, I climbed on top of you, and I strangled you.

[Groans]

Guess what... you're dead.

You didn't even wake up.

And why is your alarm code 69, 69?

Because it's hilarious!

Well, I guessed it right away.

Reprogram it.

I don't know how to reprogram it.

What am I, NASA?

Judge...

Judge, this is what I'm worried about.

Okay, it's not just this one guy.

Someone in your position is always vulnerable.

I just want you to be able to protect yourself if it comes to that.

Okay, fine, you're right.

I'll get a g*n.

We'll go shopping for it tomorrow.

Great.

[Sighs]

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I, uh, I made a sandwich.

Mr. Lewis, please approach the bench.

That's a great color on you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You are aware of your right to waive a jury trial.

I mean, one very reasonable judge versus 12 unpredictable jurors, it's...

Permission to approach.

You might want to move your briefcase, Counselor.

It's fine. It's fine.

This, this... you're helping.

No.

You're not allowed to help.

I am merely informing Mr. Lewis of his rights.

They law may not be fair, but his trial should be.

Your Honor, I want a jury.

I have a strong case.

And don't forget... everyone underestimated Elle Woods too.

Elle Woods?

I'm... I'm sorry, sir.

Are you referring to the film Legally Blonde?

"All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs."

That was all I saw.

And it was wrong.

Let's not make the same mistake.

It's a valuable lesson.

You can...

Sit down.

The defense will illustrate that there is no possible way that the defendant could have attempted to steal this Kn*fe.

It's... it...

[Kn*fe clattering]

It doesn't fit.

The handle is too small for my hand.

If the Kn*fe doesn't fit, you must acquit.

[Clears throat]

Mr. Lewis...

Please approach.

Permission to also approach, Your Honor.

Permission denied.

Sit.

Oh.

Yeah.

You know we have witnesses.

There's video footage of you holding the Kn*fe.

Think that'll be a problem?

You know, you seem to be an avid student of film and television.

Perhaps you've seen the, uh, Law & Order show Criminal Intent.

Okay.

Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will show that my client had no Law & Order: Criminal Intent of stealing said Kn*fe until after he entered the g*n store.

And in accordance with California penal code, uh... Ooh. [Coughs] 45.. [High-pitched voice] 9.

I love the German language, don't you?

Uh, code 459... without prior criminal intent, an act of theft shall not be considered felony burglary.

Boo-yah!

I want the truth!

I can't handle the truth!

That's recess.

Recess for two hours.

[Ahem]

So where do we go to get these g*ns?

I don't know.

Mine are state-issued.

I wonder where the defendant went.

He had a revolver, a semiautomatic, and some old-timey dueling pistols pulled on him.

Obviously they have a wide selection.

Oh, well, g*ns, g*ns, g*ns.

Judge, I'm really glad we're doing this.

[g*nsh*t]

Mm-hmm.

You're not just my boss.

No.

You're my friend.

I am.

And if anything were to ever happen to you...

Okay, nope, no, no, going to a mushy place, freaking out...

Make it stop.

There is a giant ex-con after you, and you're freaking out about a little emotion?

Yeah. Yippee-ki-ay.

Whoa, hey, hey, what are you doing?

You don't just sh**t your w*apon.

Your first defense start here.

g*n face.

All right, why don't you show me?

Well, it's basically my "who-ate-all-the-pie" face Yeah. but with crazy eyes.

[g*nsh*t]

So it'd be like...

Yeah, I like that.

Right?

All right. I like to try before I buy, so...

Ladies first.

Whoo! Nice!

Hello, Your Honor.

Someone's been playing a little late-night Call of Duty.

Nah, I grew up with g*ns.

When Janna Hunsinger's dad was taking her to ballet class, my dad was taking me to the desert to blast tin cans.

I was the only 11-year-old in the county with a license to carry.

That explains a lot.

All right, come on, you're up, cowboy.

[Clears throat]

[g*nsh*t]

Aah!

Nailed it!

Boom!

Whoo!

[g*nshots]

This is my "bailiff-screams- like-a-little-girl" face.

That is hurtful.

This car is like a corrective toddler shoe.

Women love baby shoes. They think it's cute.

Well, not everything small is cute.

Ah, ah, left my wallet in the car.

All right, I'll see you inside.

Hey. No...

Hey, stay in my sights, okay?

Oh, come on, that's ridiculous, Tedward.

Hey, I was looking for you.

Oh!

Judge Hernandez.

You idiot! Get off me!

I thought you were on vacation.

I was!

Would you stop?

Okay, is now a bad time to take a cr*ck at resort-casual bolo tie?

'Cause I am sitting on a good one, sir.

Okay, it can wait.

I should charge you with contempt for allowing your bailiff to body-slam me!

Your Honor, I am sorry.

I was just trying to protect her.

He thought you were someone else.

We're so sorry.

Sir, that will never happen again.

Tom called me about the Charlie Lewis case.

He tattled?

Judge Wright, I am well aware of your feelings about three strikes.

You are not here to fix the law.

You're here to uphold it.

Do your job.

Now, I'm off to my massage.

[Blusters]

You want me to...

If I'm called away to deal with any more of your nonsense, there will be no happy ending.

I heard it. Not a word.

Both: He said "happy ending."

[Both laughing]

He is mad, though, huh?

Yeah, dude. Okay, dude, you know what?

I'm about to go all commanding officer from every bad cop movie ever made on your ass.

Do you know how much crap I just ate for that little stunt you pulled back there?

You're a good officer, but you're a hothead.

And you're costing millions of dollars to the city in damages.

I always wanted to do that.

No, that was good.

Yeah?

That was intimidating.

I was scared.

I'm serious, and the point is, you got to stand down, Tedward.

Ah. Look, I fear for your safety.

I think you still might be in a little danger.

Well, okay, but there's more pressing issues than the hypothetical problem of Byron, okay?

If I don't figure out how to help Charlie, he's gonna end up spending the rest of his life in jail.

You think I want to hear this anymore?

I don't want to hear it! Shut... stop!

Stop!

Oh, I see.

I see. Okay.

Okay, yeah, yeah, you're in charge.

You're in charge.

You're damn right I'm in charge!

Shut your mouth!

Oh, my God.

Oh.

That's not good.

That is not good.

I need your expert psychiatric opinion on Charlie Lewis.

I think he's not just... hmm, how should I say... dim.

I think he might be cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

I mean, total cuckoo-roo nut balls McGee.

Okay, yeah, I'm not sure that's the official diagnosis that we use, but...

Can you evaluate him for me, please?

Because if you can find anything clinical...

And if that's the case, I can probably get the jury to maybe go easier on him.

[Clears throat]

Dr. Boyd, Judge...

Hmm?

You need to hear this.

Blocked phone call on line one.

[Breathing heavily]

Ooh.

Let me find Byron Cash and shut this down.

No. Tedward, come on...

Please, this dude is crazy.

Tedward, that could be this asthmatic hammer thrower I dated.

Just let it go.

Okay, um, what the hell was that?

Oh, well, there was a circus coming through town, and this guy threw hammers.

It was pretty hot. You had to be there.

No, no, not that.

That.

Oh, oh, yeah. No, there's this ex-con that I put away.

He may or may not be stalking me.

Tedward's freaking out.

What?

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because...

No, no, no... that's it.

I'm staying over.

Oh, hey, hey, easy, tiger.

I know you've been gunning for that toothbrush position, [Sighs] and it ain't gonna happen.

Come on, I'm really worried about you, you know, as a friend and someone who cares.

Well, don't worry, all right?

We've got excellent security here at the courthouse, as you can see, and I'm gonna get a g*n.

You? A g*n? That's, uh, that's not a good idea.

You have a temper.

No, I don't.

Yeah, you do. You tell me all the time.

No, but just hearing you say it makes me want to thump you in the nards, Gary!

[Growls]

Interesting.

Seriously, Gary...

Please, will you please just talk to Charlie?

All right, but I'm staying over tonight, okay?

And I'm bringing my Swiffer Sweeper with my steak Kn*fe duct-taped to the end of it.

Ooh, I feel safer already.

Go ahead, Doc.

[Austrian accent]

I will open my mind to you.

That's a pretty good Freud impression.

[Normal voice]

No, that was Schwarzenegger from Total Recall. I just like doing it.

Charlie, your crimes so far have been theft related.

On a scale of one to ten, how uncontrollable is your urge to take things that are not yours?

Zero.

That's weird. I just had my pen.

Hey, Charlie, is that my pen?

This?

Yeah.

No. It's... it's, uh... foot scratcher.

Hey, this might be something.

I breast-fed till I was five. Is that a thing?

'Cause it feels like it might be a thing.

[Elevator bell dings]

So it looks like you suffer from an impulse-control disorder, exacerbated by concurrent personality disorders, which manifest mostly as kleptomania.

Whoo-hoo.

Yeah.

You know, my... my testimony could help you get less time.

Yeah, about that...

As my attorney, I've advised myself not to allow that into evidence.

Charlie, you know this could mean the difference between a few years and forever.

I'm not worried about it.

I got this jury wrapped around my little finger.

Besides, I don't want to be labeled as crazy.

That kind of thing doesn't sit too well [Squeaks lips] with the ladies.

No, it doesn't.

Oh!

Sorry, my man.

I believe these are yours.

Hey.

Uh... it wasn't me.

I didn't call Hernandez.

Do you kiss your wife with that lying mouth?

Tippy doesn't allow mouth kissing.

Listen, Gary evaluated Charlie, okay?

He's got some extensive mental and psychological issues, but he won't allow them admitted into the case.

I mean, you really want to throw the book at a guy that's too incompetent to defend himself?

Do you really want to live in a world where guys like Charlie can just repeat their bad behavior again and again?

No, Tom, I want to live in a world where nobody poops and The Matrix sequels don't suck, okay?

But this is a guy's life we're talking about.

All right, Rebecca, this goes all the way back to law school, right?

You're this know-it-all that's bigger than the rules.

The rules don't apply to you, all right?

I follow the rules.

I know.

Rules make life fair, but you have to enforce them, okay?

So take Gary's...

Oh, great, thank you!

Oh, no, that was not... Come on, that wasn't on purpose.

[light arguing]

I was just...

I've been looking for you.

Oh, man, where's black Kevin Costner when you need him?

You put me away for five years, Judge.

I was not on that... particular case.

And I just want to say thank you.

Because prison turned out to be so delightful?

I was going down a bad road, but I wasn't some kind of thug that hurt people.

The system was set up to just throw me out like garbage, but you didn't let that happen.

Yeah, I got time, but not so much I couldn't have a second chance.

Mm.

This is my family.

Sure.

Oh, wow.

Cute kids, Byron.

Tom...

Sometimes I do know what I'm doing.

Yes, this one oddly, coincidentally very similar case.

I will think about it. don't rub it in, okay?

Is that your grandma?

That's my wife.

Ah, well...

Good luck to you, Byron.

Thanks again.

[Groaning]

Oh. Wha...

Are you all right?

Whoo! I got your back, Rebecca!

Tedward! He was thanking me!

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, man, hey. Hey, bro. Hey.

Hey, do not sue me. I can't...

Oh, I don't get paid enough.

Man, his grandma/wife's gonna be pissed.

Gentlemen, you've reached an agreement?

Yes, Your Honor.

The defendant agrees to plead guilty to misdemeanor burglary and will serve two years at a minimum-security psychiatric facility.

I think...

Think the punishment fits the crime.

And 'cause I didn't get to give closing statement in front of the jury...

Well...

You promised.

No backsies.

No backsies, Tom.

Almost forgot about no backsies.

Yes, the prosecution, in turn, will allow Mr. Lewis to present his closing statement to the court.

He's all yours.

Thank you, Thomas.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

"These people don't dream about being rich.

They dream about being able to watch their children swim in a pool without worrying that they're gonna have to get a hysterectomy by the age of 20!"

Erin Brockovich.

Yes.

Great flick.

Yeah.

She had great bras.

Yeah, I just remember her boobs.

Well done, sir.

Both: Hey.

What's up?

Came to reset your security system, make me feel better.

Mm-hmm.

Gary's not much of a bodyguard and you won't get a g*n.

Oh, no, no, I got a g*n. Look, it's right here.

Pretty cute, huh? Judy got it for me.

Not bad.

Yeah.

You know what? And this is the only place I feel comfortable carrying a g*n.

You were wrong about Byron, all right?

I told you... I don't ever want to be wrong about somebody while carrying a g*n, but I did get this bad boy.

Rarr! Pshh!

My dad taught me how to use it.

Taught the whole family... big hunting people.

Who is your family... Duck Dynasty?

Okay, so what about the note that Byron left on your car?

Oh, that was Judy.

"You ready to die?"

Yeah, I wanted to see if she wanted to go to a hot-yoga class.

By the way, I might have butt-dialed you during hot yoga.

Sorry.

Line one.

Okay, heavy breathing.

Mm-hmm.

Can I take a bath in your tub? Mine's all full of buttons and doll heads. Long story.

You know the way.

You wanna hang out while Judy baths?

No, not really. I mean, Gary has a Swiffer spear, and you've got a crossbow and Judy naked.

Alright just sit, park your ass down, okay?

Because you are the one who made me learned her name.

Hey... I was k*lled naked Judy.

You want it shaked or stirred?

Cloud.

Too late for that, my friend.