01x12 - Lockdown

[bunniefuu]

Only three hours until the party bus leaves for the Kings game.

Are you ready?

Am I ready?

What?

What?

We are all kings, Tedward.

Man, I'ma eat so much stadium food tonight.

All I've had was a head of cabbage for breakfast.

That's it.

Expands your stomach and then clears you out, okay?

I'm putting on a show tonight.

Look what I got for Gary.

It's a toothbrush.

I see that.

For my place.

Oh, hey, that' a big step.

Yeah.

You sure you're ready to go to toothbrush level?

Well, I left a phone charger at his place a couple weeks ago, and that's been going good so far, so...

Okay, yeah.

All I could think about today was the Kings game, and I had this defense attorney who would not shut up.

"The truth will come out, blah, blah, blah.

The real k*ller's still on the streets.

Blah, blah, blah."

Doesn't he know we're hosting the ducks?

Sir, we are so excited.

Thank you for getting us the luxury box.

Yeah, thank you.

My pleasure.

It's not many times a year I have the opportunity to rock this.

Whoa.

Oh.

You have a bolo for every occasion.

Mm-hmm.

No, but I will by Hanukkah.

[Whispers] It lights up.

Hey, I wanted to see what time we should be at the game tonight.

Ooh, I rented a party bus, so no one has to worry about drinking and driving.

It'll leave the courthouse promptly at 6:00

Judge Hernandez, I think it's worth noting that you aren't bringing Mrs. H to the game tonight.

Hint taken.

No, Judy, I don't like you.

You think you don't like me, but we're Sam and Diane.

[Distant siren whooping]

Excuse me, folks.

We have a situation.

A gunman has barricaded himself inside the bank across the street.

We're putting this entire building on lockdown.

Nobody in or out until this is over.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.

All right.

We start the pre-party now, okay?

I got four beers and...

A zima.

Who'd like to take a trip back to 1993?

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Gary, you're here too?

Yeah, I was testifying down the hall about a nutjob who thinks he's Jesus Christ.

Oh, well, if he's on lockdown, he can turn water into wine.

Let me know, 'cause we could use it.

Can everyone just make an agreement to stop saying the word "lockdown"?

I'm starting to feel a little trapped.

What are you talking about?

You're here all day, every day.

I know, but I could leave the other days.

This is...

Oh, so now the person who puts people in prison is starting to feel like he's in a prison of his own.

And scene.

Let's play a game.

Ooh, secrets.

All right, everybody write down an interesting and true fact about theirselves that no one else knows, and then someone will try to guess which card goes to which person, yeah?

All right, this is dumb.

Tom, since you will probably have the least interesting facts about yourself, you are going to have to guess.

And here we go.

Tom. All right.

You have one minute to match these up.

Ready? And...

Go.

"I'm so hungry."

I am. I am so hungry.

All right, number two.

"I skied on acid."

Duh.

That is you.

Done that.

"I've only slept with four people."

Sorry.

[Laughs] Pretty obvious.

"I played college basketball."

Ooh... You already gave me one, and that's... r*cist.

Thank you.

30 seconds.

Ah, okay.

Uh, fine.

I guess it's got to be, hmm?

And so, Judge, you are, "I cry for 20 minutes every morning."

That's probably not right. Ha!

Your Honor, sorry, I'm sure that's...

Just hold it for now.

Time!

Okay.

How'd I do? Let's see it.

Raise your hands.

One?

Seriously? Are you kidding?

You're all lying. You've obviously skied on acid.

I don't ski.

That was me.

[Gasps]

Whoa.

I don't condone such behavior, but it was the '60s.

My friends and I got lost on the wrong side of the mountain.

And we were in trouble, and that's when this giant conifer tree leaned over and began to speak to us told us to follow the valley downhill, turn right at the weeping boulder, and that would take us to the road right by our ski lodge.

And so that day, I said that I would help guide others the way that conifer had guided us, and here I am.

Wow.

That's heavy, man.

So I played college basketball.

Is that right?

No way!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I eventually had to choose.

It got in the way of my partying.

So, you know, it was a Sophie's choice, but I feel like I made the right call.

And Tom, I make it a point to cry for at least 20 minutes a day.

On purpose?

Yes, Sam Malone.

I set an alarm, and then I cry until it buzzes.

And then I usually hit the snooze button.

Gary, which card is yours?

Oh, I think Judy has my card.

Seriously?

What?

Gary.

You have only slept with four people?

You know, I... I lost my virginity in college.

And I guess I had a few long-term relationships.

A few?

But you've only...

I'm the fourth woman that you've slept...

I mean, I am number four, right?

Yeah.

Why does this freak you out? Because... okay, 'cause my number four was in high school.

Okay, look, I'm not a virgin.

Yeah, none of us are virgins.

All right?

I just had a girlfriend for nine years.

You had a relationship for nine years?

With whom?

Uh, Cecile.

Cecile.

Who's... who's Cecile?

I don't know, look, we broke up, like, eight months ago, so...

Hold on a minute.

Wait, wait, you're telling me you had a nine-year relationship with a woman named Cecile that I never knew about up until two months before we started seeing each other?

I...

I take it back.

This game is fun.

Lockdown!

Who is this Cecile?

I mean... I mean, you know, how'd you guys meet?

We met through mutual friends.

You know, she was in town for a summit on world peace.

Oh, so she's one of those hippie protester types.

You know... Ugh!

Yeah, young, hopeful, and stinky?

[Laughter]

Well, no, I mean, she's a human rights attorney.

Amnesty International was awarding her with the golden dove for her work with Cambodian refugees.

Wow, really?

Yeah.

Well, and then she invited me to live with her in London while she trained for her Channel swim.

I don't know. One thing led to another.

Nine years just flew right by.

She sounds like a lovely woman.

Yeah, yeah.

So what did... Who broke up with who?

It was a mutual breakup.

You know, I was ready to start my practice here, and she wanted to move back home to France.

Whoa, France... She's French.

Yeah.

Oh.

[Imitates French accent] Fuh-fuh-fuh-fuh.

[Laughs]

This lady sounds perfect, right?

I mean, what is she, George Clooney's...

Both: Wife? [Laughter]

That's so weird.

She actually dated George for a while.

It's crazy I used to be so jealous about that, right?

[Laughs]

No, that's crazy.

So... so it was the geography?

I mean, that's what... That's what did you in?

Well, you know, that and the fact she realized she was dating Gary.

[Laughter]

No offense, Gary. Yeah.

But, you know, you should be dating someone like Rebecca here.

[Laughs]

Yeah. What?

Sorry, friends.

The gunman has stopped responding to the negotiator.

So you guys are gonna be in lockdown a while longer.

[Sighs]

Guys, let me handle this.

Officer to officer. Yeah.

Okay, can we speed this lockdown up?

We got to get to the Kings game, okay?

If you can just take care of that for me.

That's a dollar.

Valets get tipped more than that.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Oh, is there any good news?

They're makingToy Story 4.

Oh, that's funny.

Funny, funny cop.

The dollar thing didn't work. Um...

I'm getting shaky.

I need to eat something. Okay, okay.

Hey, hey, you just keep it together.

We're gonna go to the break room, all right, and get you some food, all right?

Ooh!

We're gonna look for food.

No, no, no, those are just candy wrappers.

Doesn't even take dollars.

What are you doing?

I'm losing my mind.

This place is worse than prison.

At least in prison, you get 30 minutes in the yard.

You know you don't have to be here, right?

You can leave whenever you want.

Uh, hi, Judy.

Welcome to what's happening.

We are on lockdown.

But you are an officer of the court, which means you have a badge.

So?

So use it.

Just go out there and flash your badge and walk right past those cops.

Easy breezy.

Yeah! Yeah, you're right.

I'm not a criminal. Mmmm.

I am the law.

And I am going for it.

[Aggressive rock music]

Sir, we're under lockdown.

Oh, it's okay, Officer. I have a badge.

You can't leave.

What?

No, it's this badge.

No, sir... sir!

Oh!

Stop right there...

[Grunts]

Poor Tom. He seems to be losing his mind.

I know. It's awesome, isn't it?

It is, actually.

There's got be more to that story about Gary's breakup with Cecile.

For a superhero?

The only relationships that end mutually are the ones where both people die in the same accident, okay?

So what are you saying?

I'm saying I think that Cecile broke his heart and that Gary is still in love with her.

That's what I'm saying.

Look, look, look, I acknowledge the situation that you're in, okay, and your emotional distress regarding it.

That said, I cannot care about anything beyond the sweet harvest in that break room.

Okay.

[Distant police radio chatter]

Oh, my God.

Looters.

Nothing?

Nothing?

I saw this going a million different ways.

Plane crash.

Taking a b*llet for you, you know?

Quicksand, you know, part of a larger narrative.

Not like this!

Soy sauce?

Aww.

Oh, my gosh.

Rebecca, you got to see this.

See, they think it's a pile of garbage, but then it moves, and they realize it's a little pooch.

And now they're giving it a bath, and at first he's scared, but then he realizes they're here to help, and he's smiling. Do you see that?

What? Garbage dog gets a bath.

What's the big deal? I know Cecile used to always bawl at animal rescues. Hmm.

That and when she got a political prisoner out of jail and holding starving children, of course.

Of course. Tedward.

Oh, do you guys wanna see this video of a baby giraffe being born?

Was it really necessary to come all the way back to your chambers?

I am way too weak to be burning calories all Willy-nilly.

Shh! Come on.

I have something to show you.

Is it bra food?

Please tell me that it is bra food.

There's no bra food, Tedward.

You are losing it. Oh, do not give me that.

You're always dropping stuff down there.

Remember that time we went to the movies, and then afterwards, you found three sour patch kids and two raisinets.

Okay, just... There's nothing.

Oh, well, there's a bottle cap.

Bottle cap.

What? It's a dime and a...

Come on, just lift it up!

All right, fine!

Just give me a minute.

[Objects clattering]

Here. Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God, it's an altoid.

[Sighs]

Savor it.

That is not... That is not an altoid.

Oh, man, that's my calcium pill.

You can still eat it. It's good for your bones.

Look, look, look.

What?

Oh, you've been holding out on the chocolate cell phone.

No, fool, it's not a chocolate phone.

It's Gary's.

I snagged it after you guys were finished looking at that puppy video which was so sad and moving.

Why do you have Gary's cell phone?

Because there's only one way to find out if Gary is in love with Cecile still.

I'm gonna call her.

I'm gonna pretend to be Dr. Gary Boyd, and we're gonna have a little chat about the relationship, find out what that perfect humanitarian, multilingual cheese-eater has to say.

Oh, cheese.

Oh, here it is.

Wait, there's three Cecile's in his contacts.

Yeah, who knows three Ceciles?

None of them have last names.

They're all local numbers.

We're just gonna have to call 'em all until we find her.

Okay, here's why your plan is stupid.

Neither one of us sound like Gary.

Oh, come on.

You mean to tell me that you don't have some super offensive white guy impression that you don't roll out when all your "caucasians" aren't around?

I'll make the first call.

Mm-hmm.

[Line rings]

Good evening, Cecile.

Do you think Yeah?

That's how we sound?

Yeah.

It's Gary Boyd. Dr. Boyd, I'm glad you called!

[Whispering] Wrong Cecile.

I've been feeling so depressed...

Yeah, I'm... I'm glad I called too.

It's almost like I sensed that you and Jim were having problems.

[Whispering] Bail, bail.

I can't... they're having marriage problems.

Have you told Jim this is how he makes you feel?

Hang up!

[Woman indistinct]

Uh, don't go to bed mad.

I'm doing the next one.

Bonjour, so sorry to have missed your call.

Yeah, it's her. It's voice-mail.

But I am in Serbia helping Prime Minister Vucic deal with the dropping value of the dinar.

Wow.

I'll call you back once we secure funding from the International Monetary Fund.

Au revoir. [Beep]

Uh, hey, Cecile.

[Lowers voice] It's, uh...

Gary.

Just having a baguette, thinking about you, missing you, au revoir.

Hey.

Now, that was terrible.

I know, but I can't give my toothbrush to Gary if he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend.

And who can blame him?

I mean, Cecile, I mean, she's... God.

I mean, she's a lady, you know?

Probably descended from royalty or something, and my ancestors are all bookies out of Phoenix.

Hey, you hold your head high, okay?

'Cause in Phoenix, the bookies are royalty.

Tom. You know, Judy and I were just talking about the time we had a raccoon in the vents, and we were wondering, how did that raccoon get in there?

And it occurred to us it must have come from the outside.

If this story ends with the raccoon leading you out of the forest, I've heard it.

What's your point?

The point is, the vents lead to the outside of the building.

So if you really want to leave, there's your exit.

That's brilliant.

[Distant police radio chatter]

[Laughs]

I am heading out to freedom!

[Grunts]

[Judge Hernandez chuckling]

I will remember you.

[Sighs] This is so much fun.

I know, right?

I wonder what ever happened to that raccoon?

He found a nice home, and he doesn't mind putting on baby clothes.

Hmm.

[Shuffling sounds]

[Wood creaking]

[Screams]

[Laughs]

[Tom groaning]

You all right, Tom?

Mommy.

You guys, I'm not gonna make it.

Just tell the story of what I did here.

Rosebud.

Hold on, Tedward.

Don't you have an earthquake kit underneath your desk with a bunch of granola bars in it?

[Laughs]

Gary, I found your phone in my office.

Hey.

You weren't snooping by any chance, were you?

No, that's weird.

I don't know how it got in there.

Guess I'll just have to take your word for it, whatever that's worth.

No.

Somebody's been in my earthquake kit, took four granola bars.

This is not happening.

What?

Tedward, why do you have cigarettes in your earthquake kit?

Currency for the apocalypse.

Hey, man, are you sure they were in there?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure they were in there.

What's wrong?

Someone's been in my earthquake kit, took some granola bars.

Who was it, hmm?

Was it you?

[Dramatic music]

Was it you?

[Dramatic music]

Was it you, Barlow?

Don't be silly.

I don't even like peanut butter.

Ha ha!

I never said what flavor they were, but they were, in fact, peanut butter...

Something only the thief and I would know.

It was just a guess because I know you love peanut butter.

Wrong again!

Ooh!

I only started eating peanut butter again recently after a long cold spell.

[Laughs]

Oh, God, whatever.

I didn't take your stupid granola bars.

Just admit it, Tom.

It wasn't me.

Guys, guys, take it easy, okay?

I know you're lying.

If only I could prove it.

Wait a minute.

I've got an idea.

Yeah, we'll get the polygraph machine from the probation office.

Then we'll find out who's been keeping secrets and hiding their true feelings.

Yes, feelings about the stolen granola bars.

Hmm. Yeah, sure, that too.

[Dramatic music]

Tom goes first since he's the prime suspect.

Okay, I'm just gonna say right now, I think Gary is... Looks pretty guilty.

Okay so do Tom and then Gary.

All right. [Clears throat]

Tom, let's begin.

First I need to establish a baseline.

Is your name Tom Barlow?

Yes.

Do you own a black Nissan Altima?

Yes... [Beep]

I mean, no. I mean...

Technically, they are both under Tippy's name, but we agreed that it's mine to drive during the week.

Did you take the granola bars from my earthquake kit?

No, I did not.

[Beep] Big spike!

Tom, you're lying.

Okay.

Tedward, yes, all right?

I broke in there a couple of hours ago, but I needed a snack, and tippy did not pack my banana chips.

Tom, you're officially in the dog house until further notice.

This would make a terrible episode ofLaw & Order.

Okay, but just so you know, when I opened it, there was only one granola bar inside.

I did not touch the other three.

He's telling the truth.

Okay, so who took the others, huh?

Well, I think we all understand it's Gary.

Come on, Gary, you're next.

What? Come on.

No, wait... no, I...

Because I was told about the earthquake kit by Judy.

[Dramatic music]

Let's do this.

"Let's do this."

[Dramatic music]

First I need to establish a baseline.

Don't bother; I'm too tired to fight.

I took two granola bars out of your earthquake kit this morning before the lockdown even started.

Judy.

I'm sorry.

I had a craving.

And while I'm on here, Rebecca, I go into your office after work and try on your robes.

And Tedward, I tried on your pants once.

Why?

[Beep] twice.

What?

[Beep] a week.

Huh? Damn!

For a year.

She's telling the truth.

Well, that still leaves one granola bar unaccounted for, and, Gary... [Laughs]

Your breath did smell like oats this morning, so, you know, come on up.

Is your name Dr. Gary Boyd?

Yes.

Are you really a doctor?

Yes.

Like you went to medical school?

Yeah.

Like you passed the boards and all that kind of stuff?

Tedward, is this part of the baseline?

Hey, I have always had my doubts.

Let's get into it.

Did you take a granola bar from my earthquake kit?

No, I did not.

He's clear.

Are you in love with Cecile?

What?

Does she have the voice of an angel?

That's something I've been wondering.

Of an angel? I don't know.

I mean, she toured with the Black Eyed Peas, but, like, briefly. What?

How is this just coming out now?

Are you in love with Cecile?

Wait, is that what's been bothering you?

What, you think I still have feelings for Cecile?

I don't know, maybe, you know?

I mean, you guys had a pretty fast breakup for having such a long relationship, and she's so perfect, and maybe you're hiding something, you know?

She's got the voice of an angel.

Are you still in love with her?

Rebecca, I couldn't possibly still be in love with her, because...

Well, you probably don't want to hear this, but...

I'm in love with you.

Rebecca.

I love you.

He's telling the truth, Judge.

Gary.

I love you too.

Yeah?

Yeah, I do.

I... I love you, Gary.

Oh, look what I got you.

Just a minute.

What's happening?

Here.

It's a toothbrush for you to keep at my place.

Hey, that... That is a big step!

I know.

Yeah.

Great news, friends.

We have resolved the situation outside.

The area is cleared, and you are all free to go.

Yes!

What happened with the gunman?

That didn't turn out too great.

Bank's probably gonna be closed for a while.

I recommend the branch over on Magnolia until they get the blood out.

Go Kings!

If we get on that bus right now, we will be in our seats when the puck drops.

Yes!

Let's do this, people!

No, no, no. Nobody's going anywhere till we figure out what happened to my last granola bar.

Oh, there it is. That's funny.

It was in my holster the whole time.

Tedward...

Come on.

I wonder what happened to my g*n.

[Crowd noise, stadium music]

Third trip and no end in sight.

That cabbage breakfast is the best idea I've had.

Thanks for all this, Judge.

Cheers.

You can really thank me, Tedward, by trying very hard to find your g*n.

Mm. It's somewhere.

Yeah.

You know what, Tom?

I'm really proud of you.

You handled that lockdown today like a real man.

Thank you.

Come on, that's high sticking!

Come on.

Are you [Bleep] kidding me?

[Crowd noise in background]

Skate faster to get to the [Bleep] play, you [Bleep] idiot.

[Bleep].

Yeah, that's my special lady.

[Phone plays alouette]

That's weird.

Cecile's calling me.

Bonjour.

What?

No, I didn't call you.

Yeah, pretty sure.

I said what?

No, no, I...

Au revoir.

[Crowd noise in background]

I take it you don't want me to have her number.

Gary.

[Both laugh]

[Crowd cheering]