04x07 - Messiahs

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MOANS]

Where we goin'?

To kill God.

How is the Christ Child?

You know I lost him, don't you?

He's gonna meet God.

That's where he's meeting Him.

I want you to remember, without me, God gets away with it.

Jesse, don't!

[DISTORTED VOICE]

Let me go!

[GRIM MUSIC PLAYS]

[SHOVEL SCRAPING]

[BIRDS SQUAWK]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[PLANE ENGINE RUNNING]

JESSE: Alright?

Now it's your turn.

Just pick a spot.

And put it in your mind's eye.

You got it?

Now let it fly.

[CHUCKLES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Hello.

Who am I?

Fiore.

Who are you?

Jesse Custer.

Right.

Good.

Am I dead?

Yeah.

[DUCK QUACKS]

This is Heaven?

Well, it ain't the South of France.

Who is that?

I don't know.

Some girl fishing.

Come on.

[QUIETLY]

It's incredible.

Should have seen it before the war.

We told you about that.

The Endless War?

Good and Evil.

Heaven and Hell.

Meh.

[WIND BLOWING]

And it was always tit for tat.

We'd win a battle, they'd win a battle, but nobody ever really won or lost.

Until God left.

And now, with Hell under new management I mean, don't get me wrong.

Jesus has been doing his best, but he's not Hitler.

Doesn't really have that killer instinct.

Which brings us to you.

We're just so glad you're here.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Cool.

[WHISPERING]

What's going on?

"What's going on?" I've just been telling you what!

Well, you told me "Jesus is no Hitler.

" Okay.

Good to know.

It's impossible.

I feel like I'm speaking monkey to a cow.

Right.

Heaven is empty.

God is gone.

We want you [SNAPS FINGERS]

[LIGHTS CLICK ON]

to take His place.

[PLANE ENGINE RUNNING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ENGINE REVS]

[RADIO STATIC]

[RADIO CLICKS OFF]

[RADIO STATIC]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ENGINE IDLING]

[PAPER RUSTLES]

[TULIP SIGHS]

My dear.

You think maybe it Back in a minute.

[SIGHS]

[CHICKENS CLUCK]

ANNOUNCER: It's a bad day on the oval for Brisbane.

The undefeated Magpies extend their win streak to seven.

- Ugh, cheatin' bastards.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Evening.

- Evening.

The bell rung and I didn't know what to think.

I mean, out here at this hour, and so forth.

- Is everything alright?

- Me and my friend we just had to pull over at the side of the road down there.

Ah, I see.

You're out of petrol, are you?

That what happened?

You're out of petrol?

Yeah, of course.

Come on in.

Let's get you sorted out.

Easy enough mistake to make with the petrol.

Done it myself last year.

You thirsty?

I just fixed a lemon squash.

So, uh, yeah.

I was halfway to Perth before noticing the tank was as dry as a nun's gasket.

Oh, mate.

I I wish you wouldn't.

Those towels are the Missus'.

Where is the Missus?

With the Lord.

Cancer.

Hmm.

With the Lord, huh?

Good for her.

Your arm.

What happened?

Sunburn.

[GULPS]

What do you want?

Well.

I came to eat your chickens.

[PEWS CRASHING]

[DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE]

[ECHOING]

Hello?!

Nothing?!

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

He wasn't home?

Nope.

But I know how to get Him.

[ENGINE REVS]

["LIVE A LITTLE" PLAYING]

[STEAM HISSES]

Give it up Let's get the party started, never stop You know a day could never be the worst Good times, so God, just live a little, live it up Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, oh, yeah Everybody needs to let go just for a while Nothing for the Allfather?

The Allfather's business is the business of the Allfather.

Right.

Guess he's still away.

Attention, Grail personnel.

The modern miracles seminar for [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

will be held in conference room 6 at 10:00 AM Thursday.

[DINGO BARKS]

No!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Please!

Stop!

[GROANS, SOBS]

- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

- Five, four, three [CONVERSATION STOPS]

Is your household cat hacking into your bank account?

We're gonna sit down with an FBI agent with some interesting thoughts, but first, let's check-in with the day's top news.

Craig?

Sounds like Rosie O'Donnell's landed in hot water again?

Sorry, guys.

I'm not reading this crap.

- Not today.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

You know, as a journalist or what's left of one after six years on this show I feel bound to talk about the darkening political situation.

Australia and New Zealand.

Ah, this explosion thing, right?

In the Outback?

Yeah.

This 25-kiloton detonation pushing the world's superpowers to take sides and so threaten a wider nuclear exchange that will leave the planet an ash-choked shitscape.

[CHUCKLING]

Scary stuff.

Maybe we should break for commercial?

[CHUCKLING]

Craig.

There are children watching.

Well, then the children can tell their parents to get on their knees and beg for God's mercy.

Because as far as I can see, the only thing that will save us is a goddamn miracle!

Go on.

Sit.

Someone needs to step in.

Why not you?

[ECHOING]

I am the alpha and the omega!

I am the bright morning star.

[NORMAL VOICE]

No.

I won't do it.

That is a natural first response to what would be a big lifestyle change.

And It's not a lifestyle change.

It's a sin.

Well, it's not ideal.

But sin's a bit strong.

Sin's a bit It's the worst sin there is!

You're all traitors!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop!

Stop.

We have got to stick together!

There'll be plenty of time for fighting when Hell arrives.

Just an average guy [FOGHORN BLOWS]

With a yearning I can't deny Don't suppose you could fall for Someone like me I've always I've always wondered about that.

And and the the big one it's furry.

It looks like a like a thick-crusted beaver pizza.

It's called a "shtremiel.

" Worn over the kippah.

Connotes an extra level of devotion.

Yes?

Good?

Excellent.

Thank you.

Got it.

Is that why you've come, for my knowledge of traditional Jewish hats and headwear?

You know what we want, Dany.

Right.

Who we want.

But first you know what I want.

[HORNS HONKING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- MAN: Order up.

- [BELL DINGS]

Honestly, I don't know why I ever left this town.

It's got good foods.

Pubs never close.

Actually, do you know what?

I should go down and see the boys at McSorley's.

Of course, they won't be boys anymore, will they?

They were like 20-something then, so Well, Christ, they'd be dead now, wouldn't they?

Yeah.

Probably.

Look, this thing that she's asking you for?

I can do that, if you want?

Everything good for you two?

Oh, it's great.

Thank you so much.

It was lovely.

[PAPER TEARS]

And just say it.

Say the word, and I'll do it.

You know, I don't like it either, alright?

But the gloves are off now.

We tried to be nice.

We tried to play it by the book.

Where did it get us?

Guilt and just feeling bad about every goddamn thing.

Well, screw that.

[BELL DINGS]

The gloves are off.

They're all the way off.

- [GUNSHOTS]

- [SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

My child.

[GROANS]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Zo?

Apart from the erection, what do you think of him?

He's, uh Hold that thought.

[CRACKS KNUCKLES, GRUNTS]

[PLAYS "THAT OLD SOFT SHOE"]

Guuuhh.

[LAUGHS]

Wait, I thought the Messiah was supposed to be a

[QUIETLY]

good dancer?

- [GUNSHOTS]

- Whoa!

Whoa!

Jesus Christ!

[SIGHS]

That's not zee Messiah.

You You killed him!

Just a clone.

There are hundreds of them, running around like dumb monkeys.

That That's no monkey, Hitler.

But the real Messiah?

The one they need to end the world?

They have lost him.

He is gone.

Disappeared.

And no one knows where.

Except you, of course.

I don't know either.

Hit by a bus, stumbled into a wood chipper.

Who knows?

But more importantly, who cares?

When we have a perfectly good Messiah?

A deserving Messiah, all rrrready to go?!

Hm?

What are you talking about?

Jesus.

I'm talking about you.

Okay.

Alright.

Yeah.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

You killed my husband.

- Like you asked me to, Dany.

- No, I know, I know.

- Like you've been asking me for 10 years, Dany.

- I know, I know.

Look.

You got what you want, now we get what we want.

No, I know, I know.

I didn't think you'd do it!

- What?

- You always said no.

100 times I asked you and you always said no.

[QUIETLY]

Seriously?

- Look, you g - Shut up!

Who is this person?!

Where is he?

Here's the thing.

Jesse gave it to me for safekeeping.

There's no "thing," Dany.

We had a deal.

Where is he?

You don't understand.

What you are asking I can't do it.

I can't take you to him.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, bullshit.

You're right.

I misspoke.

I'm not sorry.

And I won't do it.

[GASPS]

[GRUNTS]

Where is he?

[DOOR THUDS]

Sorry.

It's just we're trying to think outside the box.

I can't believe I'm dead and I still want a cigarette.

Nasty habit.

But it keeps me off the speedballs.

How is that Cassidy anyway?

Alive.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

He is that.

Look.

You don't want to go against God's law?

I respect that.

But what if by refusing the throne, you're going against His will?

I mean, He did send you here, huh?

But why?

I cheated, I stole.

I-I killed people.

I mean, some had it coming, but some didn't.

There was this kid once in Dallas, a bank teller.

He just got in my way.

Why am I telling you this?

You done some bad things but you done good things, too.

In the end, who gets into Heaven, who goes to Hell?

It's complicated.

My only two friends.

Two friends.

They let me down, but not in any big way.

I mean,

[QUIETLY]

it was in a big way,

[NORMAL VOICE]

but I'm sure they didn't mean it.

I had to get away from them, too.

I was afraid I was gonna kill them.

You see, with all that hate in my heart, why would He send me here?

Because He knows you forgave them.

I haven't.

It's because this isn't Heaven.

Is it, Fiore?

I never said it was.

[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]

[DISTANT SCREAMING]

[BANGS ON DOOR]

Get me out of here!

[ECHOING]

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

In there?

You can't do this.

Show us.

Or what?

You gonna shoot me, too?

Yeah.

What happened to you?

Where's Jesse?

Tulip?

Where is He's dead.

Show us.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

HITLER: Nein, there is nein time for this now.

JESUS: Agree to disagree, Adolf, okay?

Nein!

There is only disagree because you are the Messiah.

I have waited too long to have my plans come crashing down now!

Hey, hey, hey, I don't respond well to yelling.

Where are you going now?

[DOOR OPENS]

Fine!

You go.

Pray on it.

You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain.

[SCOFFS]

What does that even

[CHUCKLING]


mean?

Your latte, my Lord.

[TAPS CUP]

Bless you, Hoover Two.

Sugar!

Already in there.

Two packets.

[DOORS SLAM]

Bar'chu et Hashem ham'vorach.

CONGREGATION: Baruch Hashem ham'vorach l'olam vaed.

[CHANTING IN HEBREW]

[CONGREGATION CHANTS IN HEBREW]

[WHISPERING]

Well, where is he?

[SIGHS]

[WHISPERING]

I hope he melts your faces off.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Are you ready?

No.

We need a minute to catch our breath.

Open the goddamn door, Dany.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Uh, bak-too.

[LAUGHS]

Jesus.

I-I get it.

When Jesse first sent him to me for safekeeping, I thought, "This is God's chosen one?

He's raping blocks of cheese. " But then Something happened.

[GROANS]

His power, his love changed me.

It changed all of us.

[MUMBLES]

Watch.

[PLAYS "OLD SOFT SHOE"]

[SHOES TAPPING]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[MOANS HAPPILY]

Do you understand now how special he really is?

Why I could never let you take him.

Ever.

[GRUNTS]

Bye-bye!

Stop them!

They're taking our Messiah!

CONGREGATION: [CHANTING]

Moshiach!

Moshiach!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[HUMPERDOO GRUNTING]

[SNARLS]

Muhh roooo ahh!

[MUMBLING]

[LAUGHS HAPPILY]

Bye-bye.

[LAUGHS]

[HUMMING]

Where are you taking Him?!

Moshiach.

Where are you taking him?!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Betsy Cullen.

Betsy Cullen she lived down the road from me when I was just a lad in Dublin.

There was Betsy, her husband.

She had six sons, and they were good Catholics, you know.

Devoted.

They loved God.

And then the war came along, and one Cullen boy after another he come back from France in a box, see?

It was Betsy's husband, five sons.

All dead.

Which left Bobby.

He was like the fair-haired favorite, you know.

Only Bobby he died, too, at his daddy's wake.

He stepped out the bar, he walked into the road, he got hit by a cement truck.

And do you know what happened to Betsy Cullen and her devotions as a result of her many sorrows?

Do you know?

Absolutely nothing.

She still loved God.

Because she was an idiot.

- [CONGREGATION MURMURS ANGRILY]

- She was a sucker, as are all of you.

And in answer to your question, we heard that your Lord He loves your Messiah, too.

So we're going to kill him [MURMURING CONTINUES]

[LAUGHS]

And we're going to make God watch, alright?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

I didn't even know we had a Messiah.

Because we didn't tell you, Eli!

Schmuck.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Got a call for you, Chief.

I get 30 minutes for lunch.

I got 27 more to go.

Chief, it's long-distance.

Wittman here.

Chief.

It's Nix.

It's been 14 months.

I thought you were dead.

No, sir.

I'm alive and well and I'm holding all the evidence I need to stop these Grail bastards in their tracks.

You're saying that this is more than phony car tags?

It's a global conspiracy.

Hitler and Jesus they're taking orders from this this mutilated maniac who wants to set off a nuclear war with a tap-dancing imbecile.

Christ, Nix.

If what you're saying is true, you'll make detective before you're 30.

I didn't get into this for promotions.

I'm just a cop doing his job to keep people safe.

As long as I got a badge in my wallet, there isn't going to be any damn apocalypse.

[SCOFFS]

No, sir.

Not on my

- [SILENCED GUNSHOT]

- [CELLPHONE CLATTERS]

Nix?

Nix?

[LAUGHS HAPPILY]

Yay!

Huppa-doo!

Yay!

[LAUGHS]

YOUNG JESSE: I did it, Daddy!

I prayed for this!

- It's all my fault!

- [GUNSHOT]

[MACHINE POWERS DOWN]

Give me a break.

Hello again.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be an angel.

It's a long story.

But suffice to say, when you've got a grand-a-day speedball habit, Heaven's a challenge.

But this you're just?

I'm just a projection.

This isn't Heaven and that is not the Lord's throne.

But the offer is real.

You take it and we'll set you free.

[QUIETLY]

Just because I've got issues with God doesn't mean I'm going to listen to some bird-faced dope fiend about replacing Him.

Okay, let's try something else, then.

What is this?

This is Heaven.

In 2015.

Watch and listen.

YOUNG MAN: Aw, c'mon, God!

Not summer school.

- No.

- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDS]

MAN: God, I beg of you, in all your glory.

If you clear up this rash, I'll never look at another hooker again.

- No.

- [TAPE FAST-FORWARDS]

Lord, please, let it be benign.

[SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

My Lord, I bring, erm difficult news.

Genesis has escaped.

We're not sure how or where.

I see.

I'm really sorry.

You entrusted it to our safekeeping and L-L-Let me just, um sh1t.

We'll get it back.

Deblanch and I will go down there, and we'll find it, and and Thank you for telling me, my son.

Now, uh, if you would leave me with my thoughts, I will come up with a solution.

Yes, my Lord.

Of course.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

My Lord?

What the

["HOLIDAY ROAD" PLAYING]

I found out long ago It's a long way down the holiday road Holiday road Holiday road Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Take a ride on the West Coast kick Holiday road Holiday road Holiday road Holiday road I found out long ago The dog suit's a bit weird.

The dog suit is disgusting.

That can't be all He's doing.

He must have some bigger plan.

Oh, you're right about that.

He's got a big plan.

[SEWING MACHINE CLICKING]

And he's been hard at it for months now.

Tinkering experimenting First, he made dinosaurs.

Then he created man.

And now

[BLOOD SQUIRTS]

His Great Design.

Creation Part Three.

God's going to replace us.

Unless