04x06 - The Lost Apostle


Due to my negligence, Tulip O'Hare and Cassidy have escaped Masada.

I'm ready to die.

I'm ready, too.

Sir, please.

Jesus Christ, huh?

I know, right?

And we're takin' off.

- Aah!

- He wants to see Las Vegas.

Where is this conference I'm supposed to be helping out with?

Shall we begin?

He's my son, too!

Get back in the kitchen or so help me !

Or what?!

You'll hit me again?!

Oh, please!

I squeezed your arm.

Son, let's go.

Son there are times in a man's life when he's gotta do things he don't wanna do.

This is one'a them.

Ya don't gotta do this, Abe.

Please, don't do it!

Go back inside!

I swear, Abe, you're wrong about this.

Is Mama sad?

- She'll be alright.

- Stop!

Sufferin's a part of life.

Isn't it?

Yes, Papa.

There ain't nothin' in this world that's free.

I mean, you think all this don't come with a price?

No, Papa.

You're a smart boy.

Take after your ma.

Are you sad, Papa?

I'll be alright.

Are we going to suffer?

More than you know.

Stay your hand, Abraham!


I was gonna do it.

I was gonna do it.

I was gonna do it!

I was gonna kill my only son for you!

Indeed, you were, my child.

It was a test.

You passed.

I passed?


I love you so, so much.


I love you so, so much.

I love you so, so much.

I love you so, so much.


- Are you ready?

- Phase Two.

Let's stir the hornet's nest, shall we?

See who gets stung.



Excellent metaphor.

Is that the guinea pig, My Lord?


How's my boy doing?


He's holding his own.

Hitler's a tough negotiator, of course The Messiah.

The one you call Humperdoo.

How's he doing?

He's doing well.

They, uh they they just took him to get his feet waxed, otherwise I know he'd love to talk.

Okay, then.

So, when do we meet?


I'll, um I'll call you later.


I'll just sit here and await your ca Where are you getting these inflated figures from here, Jesus?

Simple addition.

Baptisms and absolutions.

But your father gave them free will, ja?

Initiate Phase Two: Escalate.

Bloody Aussies, bro.

Keep moving.

It's the Deputy Prime Minister.

G'day there.

Who's in charge?!

The Commishna.

Well, we want a word with this commissioner.

Best ya pull yer bloody head in.

Commishna's heaps bizzay with Mrs.

Bloody Bushwick.

Besides, thay's prow-tah-caws t'folla for all civvy intercourse with coppahs.

You need to fill out an M. C.

, Code A. C. I. C.

Then come back s'arvo and we'll set up an appointo then.

We want to talk to your Commissioner.

Didn't ya hear what I just sai'?

- You can't jus - Oh, but we can, Missy.

And who the hell are you?

We're the Americans.

No worries, mate.

She'll be right.


She won't ever be right.


You know, you guys, you botched up a three-year undercover assignment, you know that?

And I got tatted up for no reason, but this one here, this one, she lost her partner to this preacher and you wanna tell her, "It'll be right"?

We had no idea he was of interest to you Yanks.

Everything's of interest to us.

I want everything you got.

I want credit card activity, I want criminal associates, I want last known location.

This is our case now.

But there is no case.

Not anymore.

Your man's dead.

That's a lie.


Death by gunshot.

Got the killer locked up downstairs.

What killer?

What killer?

Bullshit, Eugene.

- You wouldn't hurt a fly.

- He's one ugly Bruce.

No wonder he's mad at the world.

Yeah, well That's just the thing.

He's got a face like an ass, but he's really quite a sweet kid.

We found blood on his clothes, powder burn on his hand, weapon he used, and he said he did it.

There was no body, so So, look at 'im.

My money says we'll find your man in that ass-face b*st*rd's stool.


Now, you listen to me.

You may have shot him, but when he's dead, I will know.


'Cause Jesse's alive.


Wh-What does that mean?

Where is he?

Eugene, where is he?!




Got a gentle touch there, Doc.

What's next?

Sponge bath?




Burnin' daylight.

I was thinking of sleepin' in.


Drop your weapons and get on your knees.

Just checkin'.

Where we going?


To kill God.

Deathbed conversions?

You cannot be serious.

Whoever believes is not condemned.

Whoever does not believe is.

So, by your logic, one could start a world war, or try to exterminate an entire people, level Danzig, und still go to Heaven, if they repent at the last second?

If they repent, yes.

Well, that is going to change.

- Oh, no, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.

Or I am taking back the homosexuals.

Well then maybe there doesn't need to be an apocalypse, after all!

I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we are having the apocalypse.

In fact, it's already underway.


Phase Two?


A spark to set the world on fire.

I love it.

Souls are coming.

In numbers.

In bulk.

So, you need to decide which souls are going to Heaven and which to Hell.

Chop-chop, then.

Back to work.

Revenge won't bring you peace.

Be angry, call Him a son-of-a-bitch, but you can't kill Him.


44 Walker.

It's the most powerful handgun ever made.

And mine can shoot through planets.

I can kill Him.

Let's go.

Eat sh1t.

I said, "Let's go.

" And then I said "Eat sh1t.

" Took my family, too.

My dad, mom.

They were good people.

Lot better than me and you, that's for sure.

Had a baby, too, once.

Tulip and I.


Years ago.

All this sh1t?

Sufferin' and commotion?

Don't you wanna know what the hell?


I do.

I need to know what it means.

Well, I'm not dead.

Which means you want me alive, which means I'm calling the shots.

So, why don't you holster your planet-shootin' guns and walk away?

Leave God to me.

Wanna see what it means Preacher?



Just sit tight until the Americans arrive, Charlie.



You there?

We gotta go.

We just missed them.

Gotta be right up ahead.

across Oceania as a bellicose New Zealand has mobilized their Carrier Strike Force in the Tasman Sea in response to the allegation that Australia is responsible for the murder of their beloved Deputy Prime Minister.

Hike ya daks, mate.

We might have a situation.

The Australian Prime Minister denies the claims, but asserts the country's right to defend itself against any violation of its sovereignty.


Bloody Kiwis.

I've been told they got snakes out here.

One bite'll make you lie down and piss blood out yer ass.

Tryna find some to send your way, but looks like they run off scared.

Murdering son-of-a-bitch like you?

I don't blame 'em.



You got any water?

Oh, you don't get thirsty.

How 'bout a cigarette?

Well, don't tell me you quit.

What kind of a cowboy are you?

What's the point of being a dead demon if you can't even smoke?

I liked the snake idea better.

I'm not gonna let you kill Him.

I'll die before I do.

So, we're around here somewhere, okay.

And Jesse is somewhere out there.

So, yeah, okay.


We just start driving around and, uh find him.

Driving around where?

There aren't any roads.

There are roads, Cass.


There's one.

There's a road.

Right there, there's one.


There's not many.

I I didn't say "many", okay?

You said there was none and that's wrong.

There are actual roads that we could follow them on.

Not many.


What about the letter?

I don't know, maybe you missed somethin'.

Maybe there was a clue or somethin'.

There's nothing in that letter I missed, okay?

You never said what's in it.

'Cause it's none of your business.

I don't mean the personal stuff.

I just mean you know, his plans, like where he was headed.

Maybe there's something in the letter.

I didn't read the letter, okay?


I mean, what'd be the point?

It either says, "You're a dumb bitch", or, "You're a dumb bitch and I forgive you", and either one is bullshit, so screw him.

Why don't I read it?


I mean, you still have it, right?

You've not thrown it away.


Alright, so, you know, I just skim past all the personal stuff and see if there's any clues as to where he might've been going.

Maybe it could help us.

You know?

It won't help.

Actually, do you know what?

Gonna go grab a smoke.



Another cuppa?

No, thanks, you Christ, you people and your "cuppas".

Getcha anything else then, hon?


Do you know what, actually, I'm a bit of a drug addict, who's had nothing but cuppas since I got to yer no-road hellhole of a country and I'm starting to feel a bit down.

So, unless you have a quantity of crack, crank, or skag handy, or maybe in some household just lyin' around like some disinfectant or some paint thinner, maybe a bit of descaler.

You got any of that?


Right, well, I think I'll just take a check.



There might be some fire retardant 'round back.


Son-of-a bitch.

Oh, my God.



He's gonna meet God.

- Hmm?

- See?


What is what is that?

It's fire retardant.


That's where he's meeting Him.

I just hope there's roads.


We don't need no stinkin' roads.

Gentlemen, I'm going to Australia.

I'll be right back.

Live, baby, live I got a new sensation In perfect moments I have to warn you, Hoover Two, when I get back, I'll be quite attractive.

I look forward to it, sir.

Attention, all Grail personnel, the car wash will be open regular hours.

Sleep, baby, sleep A new sensation Lotta walkin'.

I guess it's your thing.

Cowboy without a horse and all that.

Makes me miss the "I run while you try and kill me" days.

They'll come again.

Don't worry.

I hope so.

'Cause this sh1t's gettin' boring.

You think he knows what's coming?

He better.

Else it's gonna sting.

- Get ready.

- Alright.

Got a feeling that someday you're gonna be mad at me.

I'm mad at you right now, Preacher.

No, I mean, someday, you're gonna be more mad at me.

When that day comes and you got me in your sights, I want you to remember without me, God gets away with it.




- Hey!

- Oh, hey!



She said She said, "Hey. " Still mad at me, huh?


She didn't read the letter?


She'll come around.

We gotta make a stop.

No, we know, we know.

Listen to me.

When we find God, yer making him explain "The Big Lebowski," alright?

No, no, I mean it.

After all this and I don't get an explanation for that, I'm gonna punch something.


Whaddya got there, mate?

A plutonium fissile device.

25 kilotons.


An atomo bomb.

Why're yeh doin' that for?

We're from New Zealand.

No, you're not.

Sure, we are.

Don't be a bloody dag, bro.

Ye take me for a drongo?

I know a Kiwi when I see one and yer no Phase Two is in place and awaits your command.

Any sign of Custer?

Not yet.

Eager for your revenge, Klaus?

You wanted to cut a a, uh To carve a v*g1n* into Custer's head.

- v*g1n*.

- That's right.

Delightful piece of sadistic irony.

And my reward, as well.

Uh, my looks.

My beauty fully restored.

Right, right, right, right.

It's just that, uh, physical attractiveness has always been sort of a calling card for me.

And you'll have it, God willing.

How is the Christ child?

Uh, good, good.


Deep in rehearsal for the big show and you know I lost him, don't you?

That's why you keep asking.

It wasn't me!

It was Custer!

He's the one that broke him out!

But don't worry.

We'll we'll find him.

I hope so.

God, I love that kid.

Of course.

We all do.

What's not to lo What's that?

That is canis lupus dingo.


One of my hardier creations.

He disables his prey by ripping out the trachea.

And if the animal is too tall and he can't reach the throat Don't ever cross me again!

There's your rock.

And there's your God.

Where'd you get this?

Oh, I found it in God's trailer.




We just got lucky.

- sh1t.

- It's a trap.

We've gotta get out of here.







I gotcha, Padre!



Goddamn it!



Let go!

I gotcha!

No, you don't!

Cass, let me go!

Tell Tulip to read the letter.

No, no, no!

No, Jess Jesse!

Jesse, don't!

Let me go!

On the next episode of "Preacher" - Hello.

- Am I Dead?

Heaven is empty.

God is gone.

We want you to take his place.

- Here's the thing.

- There's no thing, Danny.

- We had a deal.

- You don't understand.


There'll be plenty of time for fighting, when hell arrives.