01x02 - Rest in Peace, Callaway Hinkle

[bunniefuu]

[Birds chirping]

Come on.

[Scoffs]

This place is a freaking nightmare.

No.

What the hell is this?

Just one bar! Come on!

Son of a bitch!

Let's see what this is.

Oh, God. Now I need to pee.

Okay.

[Beep]

[Urinating stops]

[Laughs] Oh!

I did it!

I got a signal!

Whoo!

[Beep]

No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

I need this! Oh, come on.

Come on!

[Beep]

[Laughs] Okay, okay.

Ohh. Uhh...

Help!

Help me!

[Groans]

[Birds chirping]

♪♪

[Groans softly]

[Music stops, flies buzzing]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Oh, God! They're so gross!

They're everywhere!

So sad.

Yeah. Really makes you think about how precious life can be.

So, what are we thinking?

Hack 'em up, throw 'em in a bag, put a bunch of rocks in there, weigh 'em down?

Yeah, no, these bodies need to be moved and b*rned before they start spreading disease.

Like, we move them, like, with our...

With our... We got to touch 'em with our hands?

Okay, we should all listen to Emma.

She knows what she's talking about. She's a podiatrist.

Foot doctor.

All: Oh!

I thought you were a real doctor.

A podiatrist is a real doctor.

But she said you were a foot doctor.

A foot doctor is a real doctor.

They just specialize in feet.

Oh, like when a nurse wraps your ankle.

No, like when a podiatrist saves your life.

Through your feet.

The feet are the gateway to the body!

Enough! You're boring me.

We got to light these suckers up, so let's get to it.

Wait! Before we release these people, we need to perform a transition ceremony.

A what?

A Native American memorial celebrating a soul's departure from the physical plane.

Oh, yeah, sure.

We can all play grab-ass on the beach, you know, jerk each other off in the sand.

If we're gonna waste time, let's waste time.

I think a memorial is a great idea.

Get rid of any disease, say good-bye to these cadavers.

People.

People.

Okay, fine. How about you three go into the jungle and check for any missed bodies, and I'll clear this beach.

And I'll just jot down some notes for a eulogy.

Probably open with a joke.

Oh, no, no, no, Daniel.

We're gonna need you to clear the fuselage.

The fusi-what?

The fuselage in the jungle.

That thing's jammed full of bodies... people split in two, arms hanging off.

[People screaming]

I saw a woman who was literally folded in half like a lawn chair.

There's some pretty heavy sh*t.

But you've probably seen worse on the force, right?

I mean, you're a cop.

Totally.

I'm not a cop. Why did I tell people I was a cop?!

And now they want me to clear the fuselage?

It's like a giant tube of nightmares!

I can't do it! I'm not gonna do it!

Then don't, man. Just tell people the truth.

I can't tell people that I'm not a cop.

Then I'll be the liar on the island.

Besides, it's like the first time people are actually looking at me with respect and someone's finally listening...

Yeah, I got to go.

I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be great.

They're just corpses. They can't hurt you.

[Suspenseful music plays]

Babe, I just talked to Karen.

Looks like some bodies washed up during the night.

What? Seriously?

Yeah.

Oh, yes!

That's awesome!

Maybe my Callaway washed up, too.

Jesus, Todd, those are people, okay?

Enough with the golf club.

Jess, it's not a golf club.

It's a $1,500 golf club.

It's a $1,500 metal stick, okay?

Let it go!

Oh, let it go?

Please!

Jess, my baby is out there!

You might just be able to move on, but I will not rest until I find her.

Baby?

Boy, he is just... jammed in there, isn't he, huh?

And the angle is so impressive.

How does this happen?

Pack: [In distance] Aah! Help me!

Oh, Pack!

Pack!

Pack!

[Laughing]

You guys!

Why are your pants down, buddy?

What? I only had one hand.

Ugh.

Whatever! I've got a sig...

[Beep]

Oh, my God, it's gone.

What's gone?

You guys must have interrupted the signal.

Get back!

Okay!

[Beep]

Get back! There! There, stop!

Don't move a muscle.

Pack, what's going on?

This is a satellite phone.

It's got a very low battery, but it has a signal... a faint signal.

Any of us move, I'll lose it.

What are you saying?

I think we can make a call.

[All shout]

Stop moving!

Owen: Okay, so, what are you waiting for?

Call somebody.

Wait, say that again.

Call somebody.

A-doy!

I would have called someone, Owen, but my phone is dead.

And the only number I know off the top of my head is my office. And it's closed on Saturday!

Because today has to be a g*dd*mn Saturday!

What about all those phones?

They're all dead or locked.

Do any of you guys know anyone's phone number?

What, like... from memory?

Uh...

Really?

None of these phones work?

Um... parents?

People know parents' numbers, right? Florence?

Oh, no. My parents don't believe in cellphones.

What? Why?

Uh, a little thing called [whispering] the NSA.

Oh, my God.

Wake up, sheeple!

They're always listening.

Oh, God! Never mind!

Owen.

Pass.

Pass?

Yeah, pass.

Like a game show?

Oh, Emma... Boomer! Boomer!

Oh! No!

Oh, what's a Boomer?

My friend.

It's her drug dealer.

He happens to deal dr*gs.

I don't know, I'm spitballing here.

Guys, the police, right? 911.

What?

Like the... the world police.

Is that a thing? Yeah, never mind.

I said pass, so I'm...

What about someone at Columbia or a hospital or something?

Uh, yes, yes! I know the number to a hospital!

[Both scream]

Florence, you beautiful bitch, you did it again!

You're freakin' brilliant!

You're freakin' brilliant!

Stop... dancing!!

It's okay. It's just a bunch of dead people.

You got this. [Chuckling] Okay!

We're gonna make this fun.

It'll be like a real-life "Weekend at Bernie's."

[Shuddering]

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

I can't do this. I can't do this.

Man: Of course you can't.

Dad?

That's right. Your father.

You were on the plane?

What?

What?

No, I wasn't on the pla... This is a nightmare sequence.

I'm all your fears and bullshit come to life.

Ohhh.

Did you seriously not get that?

I don't know. It was kind of confusing.

No, it's not. It was daytime out there.

Now there's like all this fog and sh*t in here.

What... What did you think was happening?

I don't know! Why are you here, Dad?!

I'm here to tell you that you'll never move these bodies because you're a coward.

That's why you ran off to Thailand.

That's why you'll never take over the family business.

I told you I don't want to be like you.

I want to help people.

So, is that why you're pretending to be some blue-collar cop?

Hey, y'all hear that?

My son wants to be a public servant.

[Laughter]

Don't laugh at me.

Daniel!! No one needs your help.

Sooner or later, these people are going to find out who you really are, who I am, and they're gonna hate you for it.

Why are you being so mean?

Because that's how nightmare sequences with Dad work!

I'm the reason you're scared of everything!

[Whimpers]

[Laughter]

No!

See?!

You're not gonna clear out these bodies because you're a p*ssy, Daniel!

Now, stop embarrassing the family and get the hell out of here! Scram!

[Whimpering] But, Da...

Hi, Todd.

[Grunts]

What do you want, Legs?

Hey, look, I heard about what you lost in the crash.

You did, huh?

So sorry, Todd.

Yeah.

It sucks d*ck.

That's what I was just thinking, you know?

It sucks... d*ck.

Only had her for, like, six months, too.

I can't even imagine.

I remember the first time I picked her up.

Just thinking, [Bleep]

This thing is so light, you know?"

She weighed nothing.

Life is precious.

But she was strong, too.

Like, it had this big, old fatty head.

That's... cute.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, Todd, why don't you come with us?

[Grunts] Help sort through the wreckage, eh?

Might take your mind off a few things.

[Sighs] Yeah, all right.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll find her. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Maybe you will.

[Ringing]

Okay, here we go.

Woman: Thanks for calling San Francisco General.

For English, press ...

One, press one.

[Beep]

Hola, gracias por...

What?! Owen, you said press one!

English is always one! Why would you make Spanish one?!

Wow. White privilege much?

Florence, you studied in Spain. What is it saying?

Okay, that was more about the culture than about the language.

Florence, listen!

Okay! Uh, shut up!

Come on.

Okay, it's... the voice thing we need to say, um... the name of a department.

Yeah, yeah, I still don't speak Spanish! Come on!

Just say "Operator."

Operator.

Man: Lo siento?

Operator!

Man: Lo siento?

Opera-dor?

[Hold music plays]

[Laughs] Oh, no sh*t!

[Hold music continues]

Come on! Somebody pick up!!

So, who do you know at this hospital?

Well, no one yet.

Uh, It's just the hospital that I matched at, so...

But isn't this in San Francisco?

We live in New York.

You got a job in San Francisco?

Well, Florence, I basically...

That's great.

What?

Yeah. That is fantastic.

I'm so happy for you.

Wow. I thought this was gonna be, like, a whole thing with you guys.

So, you're not mad?

No. Just let me know when you want to pick up the Kn*fe.

What Kn*fe?

From my freakin' back!

There it is.

Oh, here we go.

Ugh.

Pretty snazzy for some cool guy.

Yeah, they're all right.

Why don't you have them?

Oh, great. Thanks.

Hey, Todd, how's Jess doing? Is she all right?

You know, with your loss and everything?

Jess?

Yeah.

She doesn't give two shits.

She's glad it's gone.

What?!

Yeah. She hated the thing.

Used to make me keep it in the garage.

She kept your baby in the garage?!

Little Callaway?

Oh, yeah, bro.

Said I loved it more than her.

This one time, we were fighting.

She just grabbed the thing, started swinging at me like a g*dd*mn animal.

[Growling]

Oh, my God! She's mad!

Pretty much.

Hey, honey.

Oh.

Yeah, she's a nightmare.

Todd, I want you to know that I'm there for you, okay?

Okay.

So, you were just gonna leave and slink away from our 10-year friendship to some foot hospital?!

It's a regular hospital!

Okay, sorry to interrupt, guys, but we're losing battery, and nobody's picking up!

Florence, you're up.

Your drug dealer, Boom Town.

Boomer.

Whatever! Do you trust him?

No, we do not trust him.

With my life.

Oh, okay!

So, we're just gonna hang up on a hospital and call someone who's done molly via their butthole.

Oh, my God! That was one time!

And who's gonna not butt-roll at a Rick Ross concert?!

Wait, wait, wait! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

It stopped.

Okay.

[Laughs]

Man: It's almost fall, and you know what that means.

It's flu sh*t season!

Aah!!

You got to be kidding me.

Oh, forget this! Florence, you're up!

We're calling butt-roll guy!

Beach is almost cleared. How's it going on the fuselage?

Uh, yeah, it's going.

You haven't seen this guy, have you?

Not yet. Why?

Body's still missing.

Wife down there... says she can't say good-bye without it.

She seems to think it's still somewhere on the plane.

I keep telling her, lady, anything could have happened.

For all we know, he could have blown out of the sky at 30,000 feet, fallen in the ocean, sunk to the bottom.

Unless, of course, the sharks got him.

Hell, I've seen a hammerhead shark tear into a grown man like he was warm bread.

Ripped his butt clean off.

I said, "Lady, your husband... fish bait."

Probably got eaten by a hammerhead shark."

Some people just can't let go of the past.

Anyway, I'll let her know.

Karen, wait.

I'll go look again.

Okay.

[Beeps]

Okay, it's ringing. Florence, get ready.

We do not have much time left.

[Line ringing]

Boomer: Hello?

Aah!!

Boomer! Boomer, it's Florence!

Oh, hey, it's you!

Boomer, I knew you'd pick up, okay.

Emma said you wouldn't, but I knew you would.

That doesn't matter right now. Okay, we are alive, okay?

We crashed on an island, and we are stranded.

Boomer: Uh, just hanging, man. How about you?

Boomer, what are you... it's Florence! What are you talking about?!

Boomer: Psych!

This is a voicemail!

You got Boomered, dummy!

[Laughs] I'm not actually here.

Whatever you just said, no one will ever hear it.

Why? 'Cause you got Boomered!

Hello? Are you still there?!

[All shout]

Boomer, your stupid voicemail! Okay, it's Florence!

And we are stranded...

Boomer: Double psych!

[Laughs] It's still my voicemail!

[Laughs] Anyway, get at me.

Oh, and if you're calling about the iguana, somebody already took him.

[Beep]

Woman: We're sorry.

This mailbox is full and cannot take new messages.

[Cries]

♪♪

[Laughter]

Hey, shut up!

You're dead.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't my greatest disappoi...

Oh!

You're gonna listen to me, Dad.

See this woman? She needs my help.

So, I'm gonna help her.

'Cause on this island, I'm not like you.

I'm a cop.

Now, where's the guy in the Hawaiian shirt?

Where's the guy in the Hawaiian shirt?!

[Whimpers]

p*ssy!

Oh, God, he's fat.

Okay, how much call time is left?

Like, maybe a few seconds.

Does anyone have anyone else to call?

Owen?

Okay. Hear me out.

There's a Papa John's in Tucson.

You don't know anyone's number?

Oh, like Boomer and his rad voicemail?

Hey! No, only I get to yell at my friend.

Voicemail. I'm gonna leave a voicemail!

Okay, who are you calling?

My office. I'll leave a message for my assistant, Charlie.

He'll find us! We're rescued!

What are you gonna say?

"Hey, it's Pack. I'm alive."

Trust me, he'll find me.

[Ringing]

Shh, quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Hello. You've reached the voicemail of Charlie Fay, newly appointed sports agent at United Artists Agency.

Leave a name and number after the beep.

[Beep]

They made Charlie an agent?

Pack, the voicemail!

Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Charlie, it's Pack!

[Beeping]

Come save us, I'm Ali...

What happened?

It's dead.

They replaced me after one week.

I gave my life to that place.

This must be your worst nightmare, 'cause you're stuck here with me.

Oh, Florence, come on.

I just think it's very telling that the only number you know is some hospital.

Oh, okay, well, not all of us want to live off of unemployment while we make candles in our bath tub.

I also make paper!

Guys, we're all upset, okay? This is nobody's fault.

Said the sad man with no one to call.

I am not sad. I just don't have anyone's phone number.

You don't have anyone's number, or you don't have anyone?

I said Papa John's!

We could have called Papa John's.

Guys!

Am I not important?

Your d*ck's hanging out.

Huh?

My bad.

Sorry.

Well... here we are.

Does anyone want to say anything before I torch these bodies?

No? No, I...

I just don't want to light these suckers up and then have someone bitch at me.

'Cause I ruined a funeral once.

Nobody?

All right, nobody wants to say anything?

I'll say a few words.

Dealing with these bodies today, I learned something.

I learned that it doesn't matter what we were before the island.

It doesn't matter what people thought of us or if we lost track of what's important... if we weren't close to others.

Or, hell, if we were some big weirdo, like a public masturbator or something.

What matters is we're here now.

We're given a second chance.

Or something like that. I don't know.

I felt like that was rambling a little bit.

I'm dehydrated. I'm sorry, everybody.

No, Danny, that's quite lovely.

Oh, thanks, Steve.

Karen... I think we should say good-bye.

♪♪

[Sniffing]

Ugh. What's that smell?!

Is that the bodies?!

That smells horrible.

Oh, God.

Is it disrespectful if we leave?

I have no idea, but I'm smelling many, many things right now.

It smells like burning hair, huh?

[Gags]

Ugh, it smells like a hundred assholes on fire.

Ugh! I'm gonna throw up!

Blugh!

[Retching]

Eeew!!

Now I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna...

[All retching]

It's a puke chain. It's a puke chain!

Ugh! Ugh!

Don't look at each other!

Eeew!!

Everybody get upwind!

[All shouting]

Oh, yuck! Ugh!

Hey, Todd.

Hey. Look what I've got... some pretzels for you.

Jesus. Steve, are you trying to bang me?

What? No! Why would you say that?

All the gifts and weird leg touching.

Feels like you're trying to bang me, dude.

I'm not trying to bang you.

I'm comforting you in your time of need.

Todd, you've lost a child.

What?!

Haven't you?

Are you talking about my golf club?

Callaway is a golf club?

You were talking about a golf club?!

You thought I lost a kid? God bless!

You dummy!

Why do you think I was being so nice to you?!

'Cause you were trying to bang me, man.

Well, I can't believe this!

Look how angry I am now!

I see it.

And the things I gave you! That neck pillow!

Not to mention all the other things!

The shaving mirror.

Yeah.

The sketch I did of the two of us on the beach.

Yeah, that was pretty good.

My handkerchief!

Listen, man, it's not my fault you're an idiot.

All right.

We could just...

Give me that...

No. neck pillow back!

Come get it!

Give it!

Come on! It's right here.

Whoa! [Laughing]

Okay, just come here.

All right. Yeah, right.

Come... All right, honestly, come here.

[Groans]

Damn you, Todd!