03x08 - Election Day

Previously on Z Nation.

Made it myself. I call it the Z Whacker.

Hey, I think I know those dudes.

Oh my God. Is that...

Doc!

Well I'll be damned!

Sketchy and Skeezy?

Where the hell'd you find all that stuff?

Oh yeah, we stayed in Memphis for a bit.

Happened by a little bitty place. Maybe you've heard of it.

Former home of the King.

You looted Graceland?

We cleaned the place out!

So the way I see it, We got to split up.

Oh man. I hate when we split up.

I get it. But we've got to get to Lucy before Murphy does.

[car engine running]

[snarling]

[splat]

[music playing]

Come on, Doc. Let me trim your beard.

Will you stop already? You're giving me a complex.

You know sometimes your eyebrows look like furry caterpillars.

But do I say anything? No.

10K always trims mine. And I always trim his.

That is too disturbing to even think about right now.

You know, if a man can't let himself go during a zombie apocalypse, then what's the point of having one?

One word. Enders.

One day you stop doing your eyebrows.

The next, you're just hair and lice.

And you're held together by a loincloth.

Thanks for the visual.

Kaya on radio: Hi-ya. It's Kaya in the Sky-a.

Spinning hits from the 2000s, 1990s, 1890s.

Basically whatever I want.

Here's another one for Operation Bite Mark.

Wherever you are.

We gotta find a transmitter and get in touch with CZ and his friend.

Let him know what the plan is.

Yeah, and somebody needs to tell miss Kaya to play some Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan and Hank Williams Jr.

Well, I think the Murphy Mobile has done bit the dust.

It is beyond my capabilities as a doctor to save.

I wish Warren was here.

I wish everybody was here.

[siren sounding]

Do you hear that?

Addy, I'm an old man.

I've been shooting a lot of guns. I don't hear sh1t.

[siren continues]

But I do hear that.

[siren continues]

[electric zapping]

Good sign? Bad sign?

Be ready for anything.

Well who is this? The President of the Apocalypse?

Hello, friends. Trouble on the highway of life?

Wait a minute. I know that voice.

And I know that beard. What's going on, Doc?

Sweet Zombie Jesus, it's Sketchy McClaine.

Wassup Doc?

And Skeezy too?

Man, I thought you two were dead for sure.

I can't believe it.

What kinda luck is that?

Dumb luck.

[electric guitar theme music plays]

♪ Have mercy...

[three gunshots]

♪ ...Oh, have mercy.

An electro-wacker, huh? Aren't you the crafty one?

Have you patented this?

No. Why?

Nothing.

Nothing.

[electric zapping]

Okay. Careful with that.

Gimme.

Oh, thanks.

Wow.

Fruit.

Breakfast is the most important drink of the day.

And for the lady?

Who'd you steal the limo from?

Oh, we commandeered this vehicle from the Bill Clinton Presidential Museum in Little Rock.

This is Bill Clinton's limo?

One and only. Bonafide.

You wouldn't believe the stuff we found in the seat cushions.

Remember when that stuff was all anybody cared about?

Those were the days.

So, what about you?

I hear your man Murphy's running a long con out of Spokane.

So you're working for him now, hmm?

Nope.

No, we're headed to Wall Drug.

Heard some folks up there are making a go of it.

They got supplies and water.

How coincidental. That's where we're headed.

[knocking]

Thanks, darlin'.

Looks like we're ready to go.

Gentlemen.

Hey, hey. Hold on now. Look. You two have been drinking.

So stay here. Relax. I'll drive it in for you.

We're all going to the same place, huh?

What's the catch?

Addy.

Addidale, if I may use your full name.

That's not my name.

Addidale.

Fate has reunited us. And for that I thank it.

But if you have no trust in the quixotic gods of Eros, have some trust in friendship. Because I am now and will always be your friend.

And friends don't let friends drink and drive.

Even in the Apocalypse.

I regret this already.

You lay it on kinda thick, bro.

I meant every word, Abigail.

So, who's the muscle?

Oh, Gina and Tina? Presidential motorcade.

I can introduce you if you want.

Oh brother, they're real energetic.

[laughing]

Woo!

Did he say presidential motorcade?

[laughing]

What are these knuckleheads up to this time?

Best not to think about it too much.

Let's just enjoy the ride.

Hey. Wear these, would ya?

["Hail to the Chief" fanfare plays]

This another one of your scams?

It's not a scam if the actual president is doing it.

President?

President of the United States of America?

You heard right, Addilicious.

["Hail to the Chief" continues playing]

Straight from his battles with the zombies in Congress, the 357th President of the United States, Thurston Howell the Fourth!

Thurston Howell?

That's the dude from Gilligan's Island.

That's my actual real name.

Of course it is.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Making America, America again.

Your President!

My people! Fellow citizens.

It is I, your humble but fearless leader.

Sorry el presidente. It looks like nobody's here.

Nah, we get this all the time. They're hiding.

They're smart sensible people.

Who can blame them really, given the rising tide of crime.

Perhaps some entertainment for the masses. Skeezy.

["Hail to the Chief" with strong drum beat plays]

What?


Well they sure are energetic.

[pop]

Oh my God.

Don't be afraid.

We're here to make this planet great again.

Can I kill them yet? Please.

Look.

Come on out! You, I see you. Come on out.

Don't be afraid. I'm here for you.

You're gonna make it.

What's your name?

They call me the Mayor.

Miss Mayor.

The United States government thanks you for your service.

Oh, may I introduce my Chief of Staff.

This is Wendle Lincoln Jefferson.

He's my right hand man and spiritual advisor.

I think faith is so important in these end times.

Miss Mayor.

Citizens of Wall Drug.

My fellow what's left of Americans.

Today marks the first time I've visited your fair berg.

And I'm here to report the State of the Union.

Let's be honest.

We've seen better days.

He is actually doing it.

He's actually pretending to be the President.

They're actually listening.

I'm sure you've all heard the President of the United States is dead.

And that the American government ran off howling in the night like so many coyotes. Which is all true.

So admittedly what we can expect this fiscal year is pretty low.

Well this won't last long.

Hopefully though, together, in partnership, we can rebuild our infrastructure.

And get America working again!

[clapping]

Revitalizing our storied Postal Service.

[clapping]

And most importantly, controlling that most aggressive threat.

That socialist zombie menace!

[growling]

Zombie assassin!

[screaming] Security!

[growling continues]

[smack]

[growling]

[splorch]

Mercy and good riddance.

Zombie scum.

They just keep coming, don't they?

It all starts to feel like a lost cause, doesn't it?

But you know, maybe being President in this crazy Apocalypse is just another lost cause.

Sill, I'm willing to lay my life down for you.

Why?

Because lost causes are worth dying for!

[cheering]

America!

[cheering]

Hook, line, and sinker. They love him.

[cheering continues]

Are you all right, Mr. President?

I'm okay.

[cheering continues]

Let me kiss your baby.

Come here.

[squealing]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[squealing continues]

[kiss]

[clapping]

Mr. Smith goes to the Apocalypse.

There was a cashier here back pre-Z.

Should've seen it then.

Not much left now.

The fire burned most of it down Day One.

And the pharmacy and kitchen were raided.

When the well dried up, most of the survivors drifted off the Rosebud down the road.

We're all that's left here in South Dakota.

Us and a few travelers, such as yourself.

So you're cleaned out?

Well, not completely.

We manage to trade the remaining décor for food and supplies.

Guns, ammo, medical supplies.

Even in the Apocalypse, folks love kitsch.

Truer words were never spoke.

Well?

No sign of a radio.

Well I won't say it wasn't worth it cuz it wasn't.

You know they're gonna rip these people off, right?

I know.

Do we care?

Well we're on a mission. I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Mr. President.

Mr. President. Please help us.

Well of course. Help is my middle name.

What can I do for you?

The old man that attacked you, the Z in the loafers.

He was sick before he turned. Like my husband is sick.

Sorry to hear that. Here, smile for the camera.

All right.

Just leave your information with my man here, and we'll send you a signed copy for just a small donation at our Gold Jubilee level.

Give her pin. Good luck.

You don't act very Presidential.

This ought to be good.

Excuse me, Mrs.?

Erin.

Erin.

So I'm a doctor, sort of.

Can you help me?

Sure. I'll be happy to do what I can.

Hey.

You gonna...

I'm gonna watch Tweedledee and Tweedledumbass.

How do we know you are who you say you are?

Madame Mayor. I don't often like to brandish my credentials, but you've left me no choice.

Wendle. Football, please.

Or should I say, nuclear football.

The codes are in here. - Uh-huh.

Who voted for you? I didn't.

Wendle. Papers, please.

Who voted for me? Nobody did.

I'm 192nd in the line of succession.

Back before the Apocalypse, pre-Z I was the Assistant Fish and Game Warden for the District of Columbia.

Now everybody from the President to my boss is dead.

What are your qualifications?

I'm alive.

I see you're not convinced.

Okay. The garments.

Ugh.

Normally only the First Lady gets to see this.

Oh Jesus.

Sadly, last year we had to mercy her.

Of course, I'm always looking for a Second Lady.

We keep them quarantined in here.

How long's this been going on?

People started getting sick a week ago.

It moves fast.

Once they drop, it takes about 48 hours before they...

This is my husband. He's been this way since yesterday.

[quiet moaning]

Shhh.

It's okay. It's okay, baby.

He's a doctor.

Look at his eyes.

I've seen some weird sh1t, but I've never seen that before.

They all have it.

It's the first sign that something's wrong.

Well have any of these folks been bitten?

Any strange Zs in the neighborhood?

Nothing that we know of.

Can you do anything?

If it's a virus, there's really nothing you can do but quarantine the victims and hope it runs its course.

But this eye thing, I don't know what it means.

Well, thanks anyway.

Sorry.

[growling]

[clapping]

How'd it go?

That's some kinda funky Apocalyptic juju.

Just really not a lot I can do.

[whispering] Yikes.

Citizens of Wall Drug.

I've toured your fine community, and I've broken bread with your people. And I must say Wall Drug is a vital and wholly American enterprise.

[clapping]

But, there's fear here.

And that's no good, my friends.

Because fear turns us into monsters.

No less violent than the Enders, and no more alive than the Zs.

I don't want you to be afraid. Not ever again.

And that is why I'm asking for your help to make America, America again!

[clapping]

America!

[clapping]

Help me build a wall to keep the zombies out.

And I'm gonna make the Zs build it!

[clapping]

Today, I'm asking you to help me in ridding this great nation of that zombie scourge forever!

[applause]

Dig, if you will, this picture.

A wall.

Stretching from the Grand Coulee Dam to the Mississippi River.

Keeping us safe within, and the zombies without.

[clapping]

Safety is freedom.

Freedom is greatness.

Let's make America America again!

Woo!

[applause]

But, in order to build this wall, we're gonna need funding.

Whatever you can give us for trade, whether that be guns or ammo or alcohol or pills.

No donation is too small or too large. I mean don't hold back.

Oh, baby.

Your mother would be proud. Thank you.

That's right.

Don't be shy.

God will welcome you with a warm embrace.

It's a small price to pay for security.

Remember the more you give, the higher the wall.

Oh no. Please don't. He's not...

At least he's doing something.

Somebody's finally giving us hope.

What a day for patriotism, huh!

Yeah!

[applause]

You know, it's like my mother used to tell me, during our early morning walks with God...

[whoosh]

[thud]

[screaming] Owww! A shoe!

And there's more where that came from, you heel.

And who the hell are you?

John J. Lannister. Your next President.

[murmuring]

Okay. Things are getting ugly. That's our cue.

I thought you said this garbage-fire was dead?

I don't know what happened.

I saw the Zs take him down by the dumpster.

Nobody could have got away from that. Nobody.


[sighing]

What's wrong?

Doc?

This illness that's going around, it reminds me of Black Summer.

I've seen this sort of thing wipe out whole cities in a matter of days.

So you're not ready to go?

There's still time to find out what is making these folks sick.

And what if we get sick? Is that worth the risk?

Why save the world if there's nobody left to enjoy it?

[growling]

Rope.

Duct tape.

Car battery.

Gator clips.

Cattle prod.

[drum beat playing]

[techno version of "Yankee Doodle" plays]

You stole my business model. You stole my limo.

And, lowest of all, you stole my Pom Pom girls!

Gina and Tina are Pom Pom women.

And that attitude right there is the reason you lost them.

I should never have pulled you out of that anthill in Boise!

Why don't you just leave, short fingers.

[hit]

You're a fascist.

[slap]

[hitting]

Give it back.

That smells like cheese.

Gina and Tina.

Gina and Tina, everybody.

[cheering]

Tell you what, you just don't see talent like that anymore.

Well, it's been a pleasure. We've got to go now.

Cuz we've got a wall to build.

Plus, the zombies will wait for no man.

Not even the President of the United States.

Mark my words, though.

Four score and seven years from now, you're gonna see that wall.

Okay?

[whispering] Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Now hold on there, Mr. President.

You can't just leave with all these good folks' stuff.

Not without a vote. That's undemocratic.

Well this isn't stuff. These are donations.

That's very democratic.

Well these people don't want to be told to just follow some old jackass.

They want to vote for one.

Citizens of Wall Drug.

You deserve a choice, and now you have one. Because I, John J. Lannister, hereby announce my candidacy.

You can't run for President.

It isn't an election season.

You don't have a platform.

Platforms don't matter, son.

Just the men standing on them.

Don't worry, Tina.

You're with us now. And we'll never leave you, baby.

But now that you mention it, I doin fact have a plan.

And everybody's gonna love it because it's a vast improvement over my opponent's untenable wall nonsense.

I present to you a series of very large holes.

Now, we use criminals as bait to attract the zombies.

The Zs fall into the holes and eat the criminals.

It's a twofer!

[murmuring]

Hold on.

Not so fast.

Let's hear this guy out.

Well, I propose a debate.

To prove the better plan and the better man.

Winner takes all.

Donations go to the better candidate.

I mean, what do you say, Mr. President?

Unless of course you're scared?

Yes. Yeah, of course. Debate.

I nominate Wendy Lincoln Jefferson, my associate, as the moderator.

Nah, I don't think so. We need someone neutral.

Someone without a stake in the game.

Someone who really doesn't care about any of this.

You.

You. There. With the eyebrows.

All right, you mansplaining political hacks.

You wanna play? I'm game.

My first question is...

Point of order. I believe we start with opening statements.

Wall. Holes.

The American public gets it.

My first question is to both candidates.

Isn't it true that you are both shameless con artists trying to rip off the very communities you purport to help?

It's a gotcha question.

That's a gotcha question.

Miss Lady. I hear what you're saying.

And I understand where you're coming from as a woman in the press corp.

I did not have con artist relations with this man.

But, when I get those zombies down on their knees putting those low bricks in there...

Oh yeah, yeah. How you gonna get zombies to build a wall?

Zombies cannot be trained. As President, you should know that.

Lannister, you small-fingered fool.

Why don't you quit flimflamming with your jibber jabber for once and say what you really think.

He doesn't think America deserves a wall!

He doesn't think America's good enough for a wall!

He hates America!

No, no, no! I love America!

It's business as usual politicians, like my opponent, that I hate.

So you've changed your mind on America now, huh?

No.

Flip-flop. Flip-flop. Do you see what's happening here, folks?

[murmuring]

Help!

Somebody!

Hey, hey. Wait.

And I've killed plenty of Zs with my massive hands.

Binders of 'em.

Please!

They're coming!

Frankly, my hands are too large.

Will you shut up and let him speak. What's wrong?

The sickness, it killed them all.

Everybody in Rosebud is dead.

Rosebud?

The nearest town.

It's our only source of water within a hundred miles.

If something's happened to cut off our water supply...

The whole town's turned freaky Z!

[gasping]

Mr. President, do something!

[murmuring]

This news is dire. But now is the time we stand together.

Nobody and nothing's gonna kill you.

Cuz I'm gonna kill 'em first!

[cheering]

[snarling]

Look!

[growling]

I'll kill it!

I'm gonna kill it even harder!

Hey, if I don't come back, kill Lannister.

Happily.

Oh, wait.

[whispering] Hey.

[murmuring]

[growling]

I give you mercy.

[click]

[growling]

[splorch]

[growling continues]

[slice]

Idiots!

[growling]

[glass breaking]

[growling continues]

[screaming] A little help here, guys!

[growling continues]

[thump]

[thump]

[thump]

[thump]

[thump]

[thump]

[thump]

[splat]

[splat]

[splat]

[breathing heavily]

Doctor?

He's gone.

You can stop now.

[growling]

[splorch]

Don't worry. You're safe.

I killed him.

Ladies and gentlemen. The President of the United States!

[cheering]

Oh, nah. It was nothing!

I killed three of them in a single blow.

He's lying!

And there's plenty more where that came from!

He's lying!

Oh, come here. Come here.

Now remember, no matter how much they beg...

No mercy!

God loves the idea of a wall.

Admit it. You're soft on Zs.

You hear the way he says that? So glottal, as if he's foreign.

What about you, Mr. President?

Yes, my delicate dandelion?

What have you done for this country?

If we still even have one left.

In all of this time, since day one, not a single law has been passed.

There's been no example of the government making peoples' lives better.

America has gone to the zombies.

So I ask you again, what have you done?

Umm.

When was the last time any of you paid taxes?

Thanks, Howell. You're welcome!

[clapping]

Debate's over! Time to vote!

[motorcycle engine running]

Hello?

[dripping]

[gurgling]

Ugh.

[hollow pumping sound]

[hollow pumping sound]

[grunting]

[yelling]

And in conclusion, a vote for me is a vote for the wall.

And a death knell to the zombie menace!

Yeah.

[cheering]

Do we want another four years like the last four years?

I don't, and I don't think you do either.

My opponent talks a big game. He talks a big game.

I don't trust big game. What I trust are large holes.

Large holes that zombies cannot climb out of.

And criminals that get eaten.

It's a twofer. So vote for me, John J. Lannister.

Businessman.

Patriot.

And human.

[slight clapping]

Listen to me, everybody!

Don't drink the water!

The reservoir in Rosebud was contaminated by a dead zombie.

The zombie's head was stuck in the water filter.

And God only knows what kind of poisons are leaking into your water supply.

Just don't drink the water!

That's our only source of water for hundreds of miles!

We'll die without it.

You're already dying.

We're in the middle of nowhere. What are we supposed to do?

I drank the water.

We drank it too!

Oh God, I think I can still taste zombie!

It's not the water. It can't be.

Everyone's been drinking it, and not everyone is sick.

This zombie stuff is very unpredictable.

Trust me. I've seen a lot of crazy sh1t.

How do we know if you're right?

What if you're wrong and we die of thirst when we have water?

How disgustingly predictable!

In this time of strife, Howell and his cohorts are using fear tactics to manipulate you, the electorate.

You, Sir, are an unelected bureaucrat.

And this is a prime example of government overreach.

Okay? I say if the people want their water, let them have it.

Let the consumer decide. Am I right?

You're insane!

I'm trying to help these people live.

Mr. President?

What do you think?

Doc.

There's no proof.

You haven't proven beyond a reasonable doubt that that water was poisoned. It still needs more study.

Doc.

Without the proof, it...

It wouldn't be prudent.

Sorry, Doc. This is science.

You know, screw you guys.

If you all want to die, drink the water!

Mayor!

Unfounded scientific intervention is how we ended up with the zombie apocalypse in the first place.

This is real.

These people are in danger.

This is not another one of your cons. Be a decent person.

Drop the act.

The vote, Sketchy. The loot. Come on.

[whispering] Come on.

[whispering] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[whispering] Wow.

Turn in your ballots, citizens. Polls are closed!

[pounding]

I don't know why you're working so hard. It's over.

We're dying. The whole world is dying.

Maggie, there are people out there trying to help you.

Help everybody.

People you don't even know.

All you got to do is stay alive and let them finish the job.

Now, if there's poison in your system, this charcoal will bind to it and keep it from being absorbed Will this work?

I don't know. I saw it on Naked and Afraid.

But it's worth a try. Sorry, it's not gonna taste very good.

Bon appétit.

[gasping]

Maggie?

Are you okay?

Hey.

I want to be a good person.

Then maybe you should be.

And the first vote goes to...

Stop the vote!

These men are con artists!

Uh oh. Z Partiers.

Let me look at you.

Hey, your eyes, they're starting to clear up.

I'm starting to feel more like myself.

Yeah?

The water.

You were right.

Thanks to the zombies,

America is truly the land of the free and the home of the badass.

There is no president here.

These men are treasonous charlatans.

They came in their limo, ripped off our town, and took all our supplies as donations.

What do you have to say for yourselves?

I say...

I say you were never so happy as when we rode off with your sh1t.

[automatic gunfire]

[automatic gunfire]

[growling]

[gunshot]

[laughing]

[automatic gunfire]

[gunshot]

[gunshot]

[gunfire continues]

[thwap]

[gunfire continues]

Politics as usual.

[growling]

[gunshot]

I think we've out stayed our welcome.

It's about time. Politics always makes me feel so dirty.

[gunfire continues]

[growling]

[gunfire continues]

Quit shooting at each other! We've got Zs!

[growling]

[growling]

[screaming]

[growling]

[growling]

[screaming]

Gina! Tina!

Look out!

[gunshot]

[growling]

[automatic gunfire]

[gunshot]

[gunshot]

Yeah, time to go.

Well what about the others?

Lucy.

[gunfire continues]

They'll be okay.

[gunfire continues]

She's got it covered.

Yeah, come on.

[gunfire continues]

[gunfire continues]

[screaming]

[munching]

Let's go.

Gina.

Tina. I can't leave without my Gitina.

[growling]

Okay, we can go.

[growling]

Doc! Addy! Wait up!

Oh, sh1t.

[crash]

[muffled sounds]

[crash]

[splashing]

[splashing]

[groaning]

[splashing]

[groaning]

[splashing]

[groaning]

My stuff!

[splashing]

[groaning]

Oh!

Woo!

You wanna get involved?

Nah. I hate politics.

[splashing]

[groaning]

Hey, covergirl.

What happened to staying well groomed during the Apocalypse?

Nevermind. Shutting up.

Mm-hmm.

Can we just find Lucy, make the vaccine, and get this Apocalypse over with.

Mayor: Here's the last of the charcoal. Crazy. But somehow it works.

Here you go.

You moving on?

Can't stay here. But we can stay together.

You should come with us.

Who won the election, anyway?

Everyone wrote in the same thing.

That weed doctor.