01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

My friend's husband was nearly k*lled by your precious Dougie.

Nita!

It were me. I was driving the car.

Oi! Where are you going?

Why can't you leave me alone?

Richie's taken the money and he's gone!

Are you hiding a sordid past, Pauline?

I was adopted.

I don't have a son. Leave me and my family alone.

Will your wife be down in a bit?

I haven't got a wife.

No, you won't be going anywhere.

Argh!

Promise me you won't do anything.

♪ See them walking hand in hand across the bridge at midnight ♪
♪ Heads turning as the lights flashing out ♪
♪ Are so bright ♪
♪ And walk right out to the four-line track ♪
♪ There's a camera rolling on her back ♪
♪ On her back ♪
♪ And I sense a rhythm humming in a frenzy ♪
♪ All the way down her spine ♪
♪ Girls on film ♪
♪ Girls on film ♪
♪ Girls on film ♪
♪ Girls on film... ♪

Ooh, no, I've forgotten it.

No, it's here. It's fine.

Fine.

Steph?

Mm?

You all right?

Yeah.

Erm, I've got a party, tomorrow at my Auntie Deb's.

She's invited half the estate.

You couldn't give us a hand, could you?

Um...

Hello!

Oh, sh1tting hell.

Wow!

Well? What do you think?

It's different.

Makes a statement.

Oh, my Russ is gonna love it. He's mad about Cher, you see.

He won't be able to keep his mucky paws off me.

He's like a tightly-coiled spring as it is.

I've banned nookie till the wedding night.

Right, that's me.

So I'll see you tomorrow, flat 60, Rostock Estate.

See you later.

Bye.

My wedding night is gonna be expl*sive.

Pff.

♪ Girls on film ♪
♪ She's more than a lady ♪
♪ Girls on film... ♪

You here for the party?

You coming in, or what?

Um...

No, sorry.

Sorry.

Is that Steph?

Uncle Howard, you've got to bugger off.

I told you, it's ladies only. Wh...

Whoever she was, she's been and gone.

Why? What did you say?

Nothing[.I]'ve got a load of women about to turn up, all wanting to be sexually fulfilled. I can't do it on my own.

Give over. Put a shirt on.

Oh. I know...

I know the sight of... my Uncle Howard in a vest... is enough to turn anyone's stomach.

Oh, God, what's up? What's up? What's the matter?

Well, if it ain't Brian May!

Where's your guitar?

Oh, shut your pie hole.

Is Dad in?

Signing on.

Oh, and tell Freddie Mercury I said hi, won't you?

Jesus, Steph. You need to report him.

Why didn't you tell us?

It's my fault.

"Don't go to a party until you've spoken to the woman who's hosting it first."

It's the golden rule, right?

Mm.

I spend the whole day telling new recruits the safe way to do things and how to follow the rules, and then I go and...

It doesn't mean what he did was your fault.

What did Terry say?

He thinks I should give it up.

But then he's never really liked me doing it.

I haven't done a party in three weeks.

I thought maybe doing this with you would...

I'm sorry. You don't need this.

You've got enough on your plate with Richie gone. Any news?

No.

Do you think your policeman could keep an eye out for him?

Um...

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. I shouldn't have asked.

Uh... No, um...

He's your son. Of course you should.

I'll ask Johnny.

Right.

Well, one good turn deserves another. You're coming to that party with me.

I can't.

Yeah, you can.

You're not gonna let one pervy bloke stop you from doing something that you're bloody good at. Eh?

Come on. Got a load of these to shift.

Huh?

You'll catch your death in that round here!

Oh, sh*t!

What are you doing here?

Lost, are you?

Just picking up some of Stanley's stuff.

You're not getting your hands on his family allowance, if that's what you're after.

I'm getting married, Dad.

Tomorrow.

What idiot was stupid enough to agree to that?

Russell loves me.

He's simple in the head, that one.

It's at the registry office, and then... then down the Maythorpe.

If you... You know, if you want to...

No, thanks.

What have you got there?

A dress. I'm gonna be a bride, Dad.

I just wanted something of Mum's.

I miss her.

She'd be ashamed of you... turning Stanley against us.

I haven't, Dad.

You did that yourself.

Dad!

.. 18... 19...

20...

Well, I wonder if he's in here.

Gotcha!

Stanley's not here.

Where did you find that? This is not to touch. How dare you?

This is not a toy.

You shouldn't help yourself to my things.

Look... I'm sorry.

Go and get changed for dinner, love.

You look like...

Oh, don't say like Brian May off Queen, cos I've had that already.

It was supposed to be a surprise for you.

You look like Cher.

But even more beautiful.

And you're my Meatloaf.

It's supposed to be the happiest day of a woman's life, getting married, and it's all going bloody wrong.

Hey. Hey, come on.

I know I don't say much about... feelings and that.

It's not cos I don't have any. I do.

Sometimes I have so many I don't know how to get them all out in the right order.

You don't need them, your dad and that.

You've got me now... and I love you... like people love in books and films and things.

Hello?

You all right?

I did it.

What?

A party.

And I've decided I'm not gonna let what that man did stop me.

I'm gonna go to the police.

You can't.

Why not?

You can't go to the police, um...

I've dealt with it.

What?

Well, what do you expect me to do? Let him get away with it?

What did you do to him, Terry?

I frightened him.

Like he frightened you.

I told you not to. You promised.

Well, some promises you have to break.

Any real man would do the same.

Yes, but I can't go to the police now, can I?

It won't matter what I say.

Why do you always have to mess it up?

Where are you going?

To help a friend.

I'm not sure what more I can do, but I've got some friends on the Met who might be able to help.

Thanks.

Nita's so worried.

I told Pauline.

Johnny, that's brilliant! She didn't say.

Well, she doesn't want me. That's why.

What?

No, I... I get it.

I mean...

It can't be easy for her.

I mean, look at me.

She's not like that.

Hm? She gave a baby away.

I imagine you thought she wasn't like that, either.

Well...

Maybe I could speak to her. I mean, I know I can change her mind.

She made her choice, Steph.

She made one back then, she's made one now.

♪ Touch me in the morning ♪
♪ Then just walk away... ♪

Stanley, can you get that?

If it's t'God Squad, shall I tell them to bog off?

No!

Hi.

Oh!

I'm just mending Dawn's wedding dress.

Oh.

Put the kettle on.

Um...

Pauline, I um...

Are you all right, Steph?

I know about Johnny.

Pardon?

I know that... he's your son.

If you value our friendship... you will turn and leave... and you won't ever bring this up again.

But... Johnny's my friend.

And he's your son.

Is that Johnny's blue teddy bear under your bed?

No!

No, no. We don't have a child, Stanley.

Steph's made a mistake. Haven't you, Steph?

Yes. I...

I'm sorry.

Who is that?

It's the Meatloaf, I believe.

Apparently, it's their song.

Oh, well...

It's a bit different from ours.

Oh...

Do you remember?

♪ Let me call you sweetheart ♪
♪ I'm in love with you... ♪
♪ Let me hear you whisper ♪
♪ That you love me too... ♪

Aw, I hope me and Russell are like that when we're in our eighties.

Mrs S, will you help me take my rollers out, please?

Of course.

You know, it's gonna be so nice... two married couples living under one roof.

Oh.

What?

I just said they could stay until they get on their feet.

Pauline, I can't have my apprentice living here with us. It's not right.

One needs to loosen one's belt at home.

It's bad enough having her and the boy here.

Who else is moving in? The Matlocks?

Don't think you can get around me like that.

Hello, Steph.

Hi.

Lisa. Steph's here for my jacket. Pop it down, will you?

You look nice.

Mm.

Found yourself a fancy man, or am I still in the running?

There she is. Mum-to-be.

But...

Steph's our mate.

I'm gonna be a dad.

It's a bloody miracle. I can't believe it.

We've been trying almost a year. We nearly gave up, but... it seems one of my you-know-whats made his way.

Barry. She doesn't need to know.

Sorry. Too much information.

No, um...

Uh... how far gone are you?

Nearly three months.

Mm.

I'm tickled pink, Steph.

I'm really pleased for you, Barry.

Right. I'll go turn the car round.

We're off to Lisa's mum's to tell her the news.

Do you need a lift?

Er, no, I'm fine, thanks.

It's Terry's, isn't it?

Me and Barry have been trying for a long time.

It could be his.

You're greedy, you are. You're a greedy woman.

You see what someone else has and you want it.

I didn't exactly force Terry.

No, I'm sure you didn't.

Hurry up, Neet. We're gonna be late.

One of the kids has shoved a doll down t'toilet. It's backing up.

What do you want?

Oh, that's a nice welcome.

I've heard your Richie's done the off.

I'll find him.

Do you want me to put the word out?

No, thanks. I can sort it.

He'll be back.

Once he runs out of cash.

Bloody hell.

He's nicked your cut of the bookies' money, hasn't he?

Jesus Christ!

Like father, like son. You must be so proud...

Shut your mouth!

I'm joking, mate. Relax.

Listen, we got away with it. Coppers shut the case down.

No bloody evidence. It's time to celebrate.

Are you sh1tting me? Celebrate?

After what we did to that man?

We looked out for each other in that foster home, but you know what, mate?

Me and you... we're done.

The little man's found his voice at last.

Well, I've got news for you, mate. You're not better than me.

You just remember... who was behind the wheel that night.

Get out. Get out! Get out!

Nita. Nita!

Oh, your Richie's done the right thing getting out of here.

Come on, slow coach.

Sorry we're late. This one's dragging her heels.

Oh.

Good luck.

Oh.

They don't need luck. They love each other.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

Dawn, we're so proud of you.

There's only one thing missing.

Something new.

Oh.

I love it. Is it for keeps?

With my mum gone... I'm really glad I've got you.

Come on, Stanley.

Get a move on, Mr Spake.

They'll charge us double if we run over.

I thought, maybe, young lady, I could escort you.

Pardon?

Walk you down the aisle.

What do you say?

Marriage, according to the law of this country, is the union of one man joined together with one woman to the exclusion of all others.

I shall now ask you in turn to declare whether you know of any lawful reason why you should not be married to each other.

It's not the kissing bit yet.

All right?

Good man. Thank you.

Wait for them outside.

Fine by me.

Right, come on.

Hellie's bloke's offered to give us a lift.

"To the exclusion of all others."

What?

That's the marriage vow.

Aye, I suppose.

What's this about?

She's pregnant.

Who? Dawn?

You getting broody?

Lisa's pregnant.

Barry'll be made up. Come on. Let's go.

It's not his, though, is it?

Course it is.

I don't want you coming to the reception.

Steph... don't do this.

We got past this...

She's having your child, Terry.

She will be in our lives for ever.

We don't even know that it's mine.

And even if it is, I don't want it or her.

I want us.

I'm going to the reception on my own.

Steph...

No. I don't want you there.

Nice one, Cyril. Looks like we're red.

Russell...

Bloody hell. Circus is in town.

♪ The Lion Sleeps Tonight ♪

sh*t. You know what, I... I might actually give this one a miss.

You're not going anywhere, mate.

If we're gonna b*at Stone Park Station, you're our secret w*apon.

Come on.

Thanks for coming.

That's all right.

Oh, what are you having? Seems like I'm buying the first round.

Oh, we're fine.

No, no, I insist.

Brian Spake. We haven't met before, have we?

It's my husband Kieren.

You've probably just seen him out and about on his post round.

Oh, right, yes. So another gin and tonic and a lager top, please.

Just stay for one.

Come on, you lot! Photos!

Come on!

Wow, you look gorgeous.

I know!

♪ Came in from the city ♪
♪ Walked into the door ♪
♪ I turned around when I heard the sound of footsteps on the floor ♪
♪ Love just like addiction ♪
♪ Now I'm hooked on you ♪
♪ I need some time to get it right ♪
♪ Your love's gonna see me through ♪
♪ Can't stop now, don't you know I ain't never gonna let you go ♪
♪ Don't go... ♪

He said he wanted five straws, but I said they'll go up his nose.

Mrs Spake.

How many people have you spoken to about who you think I am?

(Like it or not, you gave birth to me.)

That doesn't make me your mother.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

You won't find any of them round here.

Right, shut up, you lot! Spake wants to speak.

Yes.

Thank you, Dawn.

Um...

I'd... Yes, I'd just like to say a few words.

Um, my wife Pauline and I have been very fortunate to get to know this young couple.

Ah... Russell is my apprentice at Spake's the butchers, where you can find quality meat at reasonable prices.

Please do come.

You're losing 'em.

Er, Russell, Dawn and young Stanley here... um... have... become our sort of adopted family.

One we never thought we'd...

One we thought we'd never be lucky enough to have.

Anyway... please raise your glasses and toast the bride and groom.

The bride and groom.

The bride and groom.

Thank you.

Oh. Was that all right?

Better than Churchill.

Oh.

Oh, Mr Toxton.

Oh, you came!

Dawn will be thrilled.

I didn't come for her.

I came for him.

Why did you tell her you knew?

What?

Pauline. You couldn't keep out of it, could you?

She'll come round. She has to.

No, she won't, Steph. It's too late.

I'm sorry.

Johnny... me and Terry... we're over.

I...

Does he know that?

I don't want you here, Terry.

Of course you don't. You've got him. Didn't waste much time.

Did you have it all planned out, did you? Who's he think he is?

A piece of sh*t.

Just go.

No.

I'm gonna stay and have a drink.

♪ The love we share ♪
♪ Seems to go nowhere ♪
♪ And I've lost... ♪

He's coming home with me.

I don't wanna go with you!

Please. You're hurting him.

Let that boy go, or I'll...

You'll what? Turn me into sausages?

Is everything all right?

Yeah. It's fine. We're fine.

You OK, son?

My dad's hurting me.

Let the boy go.

Why don't you just piss off back home on your banana boat?

Well, that's original.

But I weren't asking you to let the boy go.

I were telling you.

And I don't like repeating myself.

Take him inside.

There's a pub full of coppers in there.

I can just go back in and demand my son back.

Wait.

I reckon he's worth more than that.

Now piss off!

I don't know about you...

I feel like a very large whisky. Come on.

Fancy another?

Yeah.

I'm going nowhere.

What's up with Terry? He looks like he's gonna m*rder someone.

You don't want to know. I'll tell you one thing, though.

For once, I am not gonna let him ruin my night.

Come on.

Um... Dawn...

Tastes bloody horrible, this.

Er, well...

We clubbed together and we got you... a night at the Harrington Hotel.

We've booked you a taxi for later.

What? Chuffing hell! I've never stayed in a hotel.

We don't want you going hammer and tong and keeping Pauline and Brian awake!

No. I think that would push Brian over the edge.

Mr... and Mrs Bundy... thank you all most graciously.

Is it true you lot are coppers?

It is, yeah.

You undercover tonight?

Well, that'd be telling.

Your name's dirt in our house.

Is it?

Not in my new house, though.

What's your name?

Stanley. Don't bother the gentleman.

He's not a gentleman. He's a copper undercover.

You should have been here earlier.

My dad was trying to drag me home.

He's not very good at being a dad, so Mr and Mrs Spake are having a go.

They're better at it, and they have nice towels.

Yes. Thank you, Stanley. Would you like to get some nibbles before they're all gone?

He's a good boy, really, but sometimes he could eat for England.

I want to know who my father is.

Now, you might not want me. Maybe he does.

I'm finding out that growing boys have enormous appetites.

He can eat more than Brian.

He's doubled my food bills.

Still got the hots for her?

Sorry. I'm only teasing.

Looks like you have, though.

Hey, I asked around about... Richie. We're doing everything we can.

I've spoken to some mates in the Met, so... if we hear anything, we'll let you know as soon as.

OK. Thank you.

Thank you very much for... for helping us. We're gonna head off now.

In case he rings.

She's worth fighting for, you know.

Have a brilliant night. Enjoy.

Thank you.

♪ Thinking back in time when love was only in my mind ♪
♪ I realise ♪
♪ Ain't no second chance ♪
♪ You've got to hold on to romance... ♪

We are gonna have a bonk-a-thon tonight.

We won't get out of our bed.

Don't want to miss the breakfast, though.

Spake's supply to them.

If you're thinking... about black pudding and bacon... when you're in bed with me... something's gone seriously tits-up.

Dance with me.

No, Terry. I've told you I don't want you here.

Oh, and it's all about what you want, right?

I took you back after what you did... but I did it for the wrong reasons.

I did it for Dean.

And I shouldn't have. I'm sorry.

Eh...

Terry!

Terry!

Whatever's happened, this isn't the place to sort it.

Are... Are you...?

Yeah, I'm fine.

♪ There's a brand-new way of looking at your life ♪
♪ When you know that love is standing by your side ♪
♪ Baby, come to me ♪
♪ Let me put my arms around you ♪
♪ This was meant to be... ♪

I'll be back in a bit. Right?

♪ I'm so glad I found you ♪
♪ Need you every day ♪
♪ Gotta have your love around me ♪
♪ Baby, always stay... ♪

Coming out?

No.

I used to sob at weddings.

I'd be pleased for the bride, but... sad for me.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Don't let Graham hear you say that.

I'm not talking about Graham-type fish.

I'm talking about Steph-type fish.

I've seen the way you look at her.

I don't know what you're on about.

Hellie...

You do know that she can't love you like that, don't you?

Eh?

You need to talk to her.

You know, if I was a lesbo... I'd defo do you.

I would.

It's good, isn't it?

Yeah.

The guy rubbed out my nose a million times.

He said I had a nose that no artist could draw.

Listen, love.

I looked that man in the eye today.

He's a good man, and I nearly took everything away from him.

I have to do the right thing.

I have to hand myself in, love.

No. You can't.

What about... about Richie?

Eh? We need to find him.

Please.

I need you to find my boy.

Are you going?

Look, Johnny, I'm really sorry. I feel terrible.

I've messed everything up. For...

For you... for Pauline... for us.

Know what your problem is?

You talk too much.

♪ I can feel it coming in the air tonight ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
♪ And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life ♪
♪ Oh, Lord ♪
♪ Oh, Lord Terry! Oh! Oh! ♪

Steph...

Oh!

Stop it!

sh*t!

Pack it in!

Steph!

Get off him!

What's happened?

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I...

You're bleeding.

Johnny, what are you doing?

Right, that's it. You're going down the nick.

Come on. Come and sit down. Let's get away from this lot.

Steph...

Leave her alone!

You two have done enough. Look at her.

Steph...

I...

I've got you a brandy, steady your nerves.

Oh, thanks, Dawn.

Oh, my God, Steph. What's happened?

You know they're saying that your Terry's hit PC Daniels.

He is gonna...

Oh, my God!

Ah, they were fighting over you!

It seems everyone wants a piece of you tonight, Steph.

That's enough, Dawn! We're not in a Jackie Collins novel!

It's none of our business who Stephanie's friends with.

It's my bloody wedding. Men should be fighting over me.

What are you gonna do?

I need to speak to Johnny.

♪ Give me time ♪
♪ To realise... ♪

You... are in deep doggy-doo-doo.

♪ .. my crime Russell! Come and kiss me. ♪
♪ Let me love and steal... ♪

Where's Steph? Is she hurt? I need to talk to her.

She doesn't want to see you.

I'm not buying that.

She's married.

That might mean nothing to you, but it does to her.

She's leaving him.

She won't. Not when it comes to it.

They have a child, a life together. She won't leave him.

Not for someone like you.

♪ Do you really want to hurt me?

Are you drunk?

What?

My dad leans against walls when he's drunk.

No. No, no. No, I'm fine.

Couple of sherries won't worry me.

In fact, run and get Mr Spake to get me another.

Is Johnny still here?

He's gone.

He said he didn't want to get involved with your mess.

I don't believe you.

You're just saying that cos you don't want him around.

You don't want Brian to find out.

Steph! Are you OK? Do you want me to come back with you?

Hellie, I'm sorry. I've got to go. I need to find Johnny.

♪ I could waste a thousand years...

Fancy a nightcap?

I've got a conservatory.

Oh.

Yeah. All right, then.

♪ My head is in a spin, my feet don't touch the ground...

Bloody hell.

This is a one-night thing.

Got it?

Yeah.

♪ My hands are shaking, baby...

Can we go now? My feet hurt.

Oh, well, that's bloody romantic, isn't it?

Eh? "My feet hurt."

You'd better not conk out on me in this hotel room.

What's it gonna be like, Dawn and Russell at our place, Mr Spake?

Huh. Bedlam, I've no doubt, son.

We'll have no peace.

Oh, God... Oh, God...

Kieren!

Oh.

All right, love?

Kieren, look.

Oh, Richie.

We've been looking all over t'place.

I'm sorry, Mum.

Dad, I...

The money...

I spent it.

Home sweet home.

When I ran out of money, I didn't know what to do, so...

I went to Uncle Dougie.

No need to thank me.

Right. See you at eight o'clock tomorrow, lad.

What?

I've given him a job in t'garage.

Knocking that nancy-boy art sh*t on the head, aren't you, son?

You owe me.

What have you got there?

Oh... crisps.

Well, we don't want crumbs all over the bed, do we?

Look, you're probably too grown-up for this, but...

I wondered if you'd do me a favour.

Would you look after Blue Bear for me?

I thought it were your son's. Won't he want it back?

No.

Are you sad?

Yes.

Don't worry. It'll all come out in t'wash.

♪ Once upon a time when we were friends ♪
♪ I gave you my heart ♪
♪ The story ends ♪
♪ No happy ever after now we're friends ♪
♪ Wish upon a star if that might help ♪

You're lucky to get a warning.

Punching a copper.

♪ Wish upon a star if that might help... ♪

Daniels.

Hear you're leaving us. Off back to the Met.

Yeah.

Put in for a transfer.

They're a nicer bunch of lads down there, aren't they?

Something like that.

♪ Well, I hope and I pray ♪
♪ That maybe some day ♪
♪ You'll walk in the room with my heart ♪
♪ Add and subtract but as a matter of fact ♪
♪ Now that you're gone I still want you back... ♪

Terry.

♪ Remembering ♪
♪ Surrendering ♪
♪ Remembering that part ♪
♪ All of my heart... ♪

Why do you do this?

You know he's leaving?

♪ Yes, I hope and I pray ♪
♪ That maybe some day ♪
♪ You'll walk in the room with my heart... ♪

Leaving you.

♪ And I shrug and I say ♪
♪ That maybe today ♪
♪ You'll come home soon ♪
♪ Surrendering ♪
♪ Remembering ♪
♪ Surrendering that part ♪
♪ All of my heart ♪