01x06 - Episode 6

Now, you just remember who was behind the wheel that night.

Home sweet home. You owe me.

You're not my son. You need to leave me and my family alone.

Lisa's pregnant.

We don't even know if it's mine.

I took you back after what you did but I did it for the wrong reasons.

I'm sorry.

Terry!

She won't leave him, not for someone like you.

He's gone. He said he didn't want to get involved with your mess.

You know he's leaving. Leaving you.

♪ If I were to say to you ♪
♪ "Can you keep a secret?" ♪
♪ Would you know just what to do ♪
♪ Or where to keep it? ♪
♪ Then I say "I love you" ♪
♪ And foul the situation ♪
♪ Hey, girl, I thought we were ♪
♪ The right combination ♪
♪ Who broke my heart? ♪
♪ You did, you did ♪
♪ Bow to the target ♪
♪ Blame Cupid, Cupid ♪
♪ You think you're smart ♪
♪ Stupid, stupid ♪
♪ Shoot that poison arrow though my heart ♪
♪ Shoot that poison arrow... ♪

Ta-da!

Welcome to the venue for our exotic lingerie event.

Come again?

I had my first snog with Russy here in the bogs round the back.

Mm-hm. We're gonna fill this place with as many women as we can find.

And we'll recruit them, get them to book parties.

We'll play games, we'll do a fashion show which we will model in along with our new recruits.

You're not going to get me into a siren fishnet body stocking.

Not outside the bedroom anyway.

If we club together, it won't cost much to rent the place.

Let's hope we fill it.

Course we can.

It'll be fun.

Oh, I could ask Russell to model the male range.

You know, willy warmers and that.

Your Russell?

Russell Moses Bundy?

In a willy warmer?

Yeah.

So, what do you think? You in?

Yeah.

♪ Inside out and round and round... ♪ - Woo-hoo!

Hello! There you go.

Fancy a big night? Ladies only.

Excuse me?

Oh, my feet are throbbing from trudging round town.

Um...

I've got to go.

Not a date with Graham, is it?

Lunch at the golf club.

Fancy.

You're seeing Graham?

Graham Graham from the wedding?

Yes.

That's funny.

I didn't think he was your type.

Yeah, I thought that.

But it turns out he is. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Ooh, come on.

No, no, Dawn, I don't think we should go in there.

Why not? They are a randy bunch.

I once went out with a copper.

He snogged me so hard, I got gout.

Yeah.

Are you married?

Yes, thank you.

Would your wife and friends like to come to our exotic lingerie evening?

I'm all the exotic she needs.

Yeah, I doubt that.

Hey, how's about you two?

You got a girlfriend that might be interested?

No.

I'd let you take me out, but I'm a married woman.

Don't waste your time. He's leaving. He's getting the last train south on Saturday.

Couldn't handle it up here with the real men.

Dawn, I've got to get home, so...

Oh. Pauline, what are you doing here?

I've got your outfit for the event.

I thought you were at work.

I'm doing a job later.

I was admiring his... his artwork.

They're sh1t.

Richie!

What?

He's right.

Those are, but these... well, they're rather marvellous.

Well, he's got a place to study art, but he doesn't want to go.

No point to it. It's poncey.

Can't earn a living drawing pictures.

Ah.

My aunt took me to Paris when I was a young girl.

It was incroyable.

The cafes, the wine.

The art galleries.

When I came home I told my father I wanted to travel, see the world.

And he told me I wouldn't last five minutes on my own.

So I stayed.

To have a mum and dad who love you enough to let you go... well, I think you're lucky.

Right, Nita, let's try this outfit.

♪ .. Can I drive you...

God, Neet, seeing him...

You knew he were leaving though.

I know, but...

It's nothing. It's too late now anyway.

He's made his choice. I've made mine.

You girls... this event... I never knew how much I wanted it all.

If I hadn't met you, Neet...

Oh, give over.

I'm serious.

If you want to kiss me, you should know I forgot to brush my teeth.

♪ I've been to paradise ♪
♪ But I've never been to me ♪

Stanley, your time slot's up.

I'm not finished yet.

There's a backlog.

Well, try eating prunes.

I'll just use the downstairs, then. I need a strip wash.

You can't. Russell's using it.

Oh, I've asked Russy to model in my fashion show, wearing a willy warmer.

He's gonna wear a what?

It won't flush.

Well, try it again!

You want Russ to wear a... in front of a group of women, Spake's customers, and he's not bothered?

Well, I bloody am! Did you know about this?

Russell modelling a...

An appendage warmer.

We'll be a laughing stock.

A butcher and his clients, it's a special relationship.

Downstairs lav is free!

Coming!

Russy said he can get a shower in that bidet down there if you get the right angle.

Right, that's it. I've had enough.

The lunatics are taking over. Do something, Pauline.

All clear in here.

Give over.

What?

There's kids downstairs need me.

There's a man up here needs you.

Have you given Richie any extra money this week?

You're joking, aren't you?

I found new clothes stuffed under his bed.

He's earning isn't he?.

He's only been working for a few weeks.

And you know what Dougie's like.

He'll be playing him and... making him feel all important.

Come on, love.

Richie's home.

We're getting back to normal.

Don't start looking for trouble.

Hey?

Can I come in?

What do you want?

I... I wanted to ask if you'd do something for me before I leave.

Would you ask Pauline about my father?

I-I just need to know who he is.

Johnny, I can't.

Steph, I know...

I don't mean anything to you. Not any more.

Pauline's made that clear.

What?

She said you'd always go back to him, Terry.

And that night at the police station, you came for him.

I came for...

We're home.

He's a bit old for teddy bears, isn't he?

Maybe.

But we all hang onto things.

I've got a bikini at the back of my wardrobe I've never worn.

You'd look fabulous in a bikini.

Oh!

I've been thinking, why don't we clear out those rooms above the butcher's?

And give them to Dawn and Russell?

At my expense?

There's only one bedroom, so Stanley will have to stay here.

The boy's a pain.

I caught him trying to draw a moustache on my downstairs portrait.

If we'd have had a son... he would have been something else, wouldn't he?

Maybe he'd have tried to draw a moustache on your portrait, too.

How was your sleepover with Dad at Uncle Barry's?

Dad's got his own room now with a little TV.

Oh.

How was your sleepover?

Whatever you think you walked into, you didn't.

Don't lie to me.

I'm not, Terry.

But maybe one day I will meet someone.

Maybe you will.

I won't.

You were a good husband. You were.

And we were happy.

But what happened changed us.

And we can't go back.

We tried, but...

Maybe we should just... do what we both do well and be a good mum and dad to our son.

I need you, Steph.

No, you don't.

You need a wife.

And that can't be me.

So you're choosing him?

No.

I'm choosing me.

Russell, lad, I want to speak...

Argh!

Argh!

What in God's name is that?

It's called the Flasher.

Cover up!

For heaven's sake! Whatever's next?

I think she wanted me to try the Crocodile Posing Pouch.

Stop!

When did all this become normal conversation?

Standards are slipping.

I'm calling a house meeting.

Steph.

Hi.

Oh.

They're raffle prizes, Mum.

Put something over them.

Please.

I hope my grandson isn't privy to...

No, of course not.

Seems your event is causing quite a stir around town.

Great. The more women we can get interested in coming, the more we make on the night and then once we've paid the hall off...

What happens if it fails, Stephanie, and you end up in debt?

You have to learn to live within your means.

I'm doing well, Mum.

I'm paying my rent, I'm paying my bills.

I put a bit by.

I'm doing it for me and Dean.

I didn't want to have to rely on anyone.

Is Terry not paying up for Dean?

Of course he is.

Maybe for now, but you wait till he gets himself a new wife and a kiddy.

Dean won't get a look-in.

Men move on to pastures new without a backward glance.

But for a lone woman with kiddies, well, no man wants to take on another man's child.

I can do this on my own.

Next you'll be handcuffing yourself to the railings and breastfeeding in the street.

In my day...

Oh, Mum!

It's not your day. It's my day.

What are you doing?

I've called you all together because I've got an announcement to make.

You're dying, aren't you?

No.

How long you got? A year? Month? Week?

He's not dying, Dawn.

What's he want, then?

My programme's on soon.

Pauline and I have decided that... you can't live here any more.

You're kicking us out?

Let me finish, young lady.

We want to offer you the flat above the butcher's.

Wowee.

It's not much.

It's been a store room for years but it's a start.

Our own place?

It's only got one bedroom, so Stanley will have to stay for now.

Thank God.

It won't be gratis. You'll be paying rent.

Well, nominal. I'll take it directly out of your wages.

Pauline, thank you.

Course, this is dependent on you not parading around in the all-together at that show.

Terry.

What do you want, Steph?

Er... I just thought you might like to look after Dean tomorrow night.

I'm doing the party at Maythorpe Hall.

Did your mother say no? I thought you might have asked lover boy.

He's not my...

I don't want that man in my house.

And I don't want him in my bed.

It stopped being your bed when you slept with Lisa and she got pregnant.

Come on, Terry, if it was the other way around, would you forgive me?

You've got to move out of here.

What are you doing still living here? It's not right.

I'd better go.

Yeah.

Is everything all right?

Fine.

Do you want a drink?

No.

No, thank you.

Suits you... being pregnant.

Not many women can pull it off, but... you've got it down to a fine art over t'years.

I wanna talk about Richie.

I wanna talk about you.

You could have done so much better than your Kieren.

Look...

You're clever, classy.

I'm grateful that you found Richie.

Finally.

Someone says thank you.

But I don't want him...

Getting involved in owt dodgy.

He's my apprentice, Neety.

Don't call me that.

He's walking around wearing new fancy clothes.

Have you got him nicking stuff?

He bought them himself.

With money he earned. We did a house clearance.

A legit one.

He's safe wi' me.

I wanted him to go to college.

Waste of time.

He's making money.

Money... that's gonna help you out.

Right, now I've got to make the orgasmic bingo cards for Nita.

What's that, then?

It's just like normal bingo, but when you get a line, you have to make a noise.

What sort of noise?

I can't wait to get onstage for this event.

Who will model the men's pouches if I'm not doing it?

Karen said that her spotty Kev will do it.

For a snog, but... he hasn't got what you've got.

He'll just put everyone off.

He won't give us the flat if I do it.

He's a bloody bugger. Pauline will go mad if she finds out what he said.

I don't want to get him into any bother.

I really want this place.

Yes!

So what do I win, then?

Snuggle up over here and I'll show you.

Grr!

Brian is just parking up.

He's not good at hill starts so he's trying to do a three-point turn.

There's no telling him. Is this everything for tomorrow?

Let's get this lot out to Brian.

You lied to him.

You told Johnny that I'd always go back to Terry.

What else did you tell him?

I told him what I had to. To defend my family.

He is your family!

No. Brian is my family. Shall we move these boxes?

Pauline, Johnny is leaving on the last train tomorrow.

Then we don't have to discuss this again.

He just wants to know who his father is.

Enough.

If this is about Brian, you don't know that you'll lose him.

I'm not willing to take that risk.

To destroy 30 years of marriage.

I'm not like you and I can't lie to Johnny.

If you let Johnny go... I'll tell you who his father is.

My father said I was disgusting... to let a man like that... touch me, have his half-breed.

That's what my father called our baby.

He told me to get rid of it. Sent me away.

No-one knew.

Not even the man whose child it was.

I lied to him... to Brian... to Johnny... and myself.

And after a while, it was as if... none of it had happened.

He was an American private.

Over here to decommission an airbase.

His name was Charles Felix.

And I loved him.

Deeply.


Pauline! Get a move on!

They'll have my wheels off round here.

You'll have to make other arrangements.

I won't be coming to the event.

It makes my skin crawl, the way he looked at me.

The way that he spoke to me.

Like he's got all t'power over my family and I've got nothing.

I don't want him in our lives any more, Kieren, and I don't want him anywhere near our son. Honestly, I could kill him.

Neet.

What?

The next thing you know he's gonna be back here getting you involved again.

All right, I'll talk to him.

What do you think I've just done?

Thanks, love.

Talking is not gonna help.

Back in.

All right, mate?

You've taken everything from me! You've broken everything I had!

This was my chance to be a dad and you've taken it from me!

It might not be mine.

Get out of my house.

Blimey.

You got a date?

Who would want to go out with him?

He's stinky.

Give over. I've got a job on.

What kind of job?

Another house clearance.

In those clothes?

Posh house.

Dougie wants us to make an effort.

See you later.

Richie.

Be careful.

I thought Pauline was dropping stuff off earlier.

Not gonna be much of a show with no bloody products.

Gi' us a hand, you lot!

Spotty Kev has parked the mobile disco up outside with our stuff in.

Can you not call him "spotty" Kev any more now we're dating?

What do you want us to call him? "Dull Karen's fella"?

Are you calling me "Dull Karen"?

Course not. Gi' us a hand, you lot.

Not you.

I want a word.

I'm worried about you and Graham.

Why? It's going really well.

He wants me to meet his parents. He's got us tickets to Phil Collins.

If there was ever a reason to finish with him, there it is.

Tickets for Phil Collins?

It's not right what you're doing.

Pretending you have feelings for him.

I'm not pretending.

Yes, you are.

Just don't do this.

I'm not... brave like you.

I'm not brave. No, I'm full of sh1t, me.

We all love you, Hellie.

Linda, Pauline, Nita, even Steph.

Don't waste your life with someone that you don't love. You're better than that.

Yeah. Maybe.

Russell's Uncle Derek's a homo.

Maybe he knows some local lesbos.

You're all right.

Come here.

Hello.

Hello, is your dad there?

No, he's upstairs.

Yeah.

Who's that?

It's the police.

Hello.

Steph?

Mum, if you're here to have a go, I don't have time.

I'm not.

I-I've come to see you off and... wish you luck.

Thank you.

Don't get soppy on me.

Where's Dean?

Upstairs.

Pat, next door, is coming over to watch him in a bit.

Don't go paying for her. I'll do it.

Go finish getting yourself ready.

It's your day after all, hm?

Oh.

Er, I've come for my son.

What's his name?

It was the kid who was in there.

I was just passing it on.

Dad.

It'll be all right, son.

I'm here.

Listen.

I need to speak to someone... about the hit and run outside Spake's.

I know who did it.

I want to make a deal.

Steph. Hellie was gonna send him away since it is women only.

Where the hell's Pauline? I've got to get spotty Kev in these wet-look briefs.

I got your message.

I asked her... who your father is.

His name was Charles Felix.

He was a private in the American army.

You should find him.

Steph, I regret a lot of things about coming up here, but... meeting you wasn't one of 'em.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Ready?

Ready.

♪ Let's groove tonight ♪
♪ Share the spice of life ♪
♪ Baby, slice it right ♪
♪ You're gonna groove tonight ♪
♪ Let this groove get you to move ♪
♪ It's all right, all right, all right ♪
♪ Let this groove set in your shoes... ♪

You've done all this.

Oh, God, Neet, I'm bricking it.

You're bricking it? I've got to do bloody orgasmic bingo first.

Hey! I've booked two parties already and we haven't even started yet.

Pauline, didn't think you were coming.

How long have you known? Your husband drove off and left my Brian in the street.

What?

I thought you were my friend.

When I found out, I wanted to tell you.

But...

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

Is that all you've got?

She's not getting away with it that easy.

No.

It's me she owes an explanation to.

sh1t, who's gonna do the orgasmic bingo now?

I dunno.

We'll have to cancel.

We can't.

We'll never sell in this town again.

Steph!

I have to go. I have to find Kieren.

He's being held at the police station.

Well, he'll need me.

You came to my house, Nita you pretended to be my friend.

I am your friend.

But Kieren's my husband.

Well, what about my husband?

What about the man I love? The man I could have lost.

You should have told me, Nita.

Do you think that I took that decision lightly?

You never lied? Never lied because you know if you told the truth then you'd destroy everything.

This is not about me!

Pauline...

I'm not interested!

Oh, God!

OK, still all to play for, ladies.

And don't forget our incredible top prize of a lovely big neck of lamb from Spake's the butcher's.

Next up on the orgasmic bingo...

Ten.

Now we have cock and hen...

Number ten!

Get a grip, Kevin.

Boob juice fun, number one!

Steph!

Yes!

Steph! Steph!

Some fancy woman from head office is here.

What?

She introduced herself to me on the door.

Did you tell them we were doing this event?

No. Oh, God.

A fashion show coming up next!

Any sign of Pauline?

No.

I will bloody thump Nita's old man running Mr S over and leaving him like a dead badger at the side of the road.

He did what?

You missed a right showdown.

Spotty Kevin's done a bloody runner. I found these in the corridor.

Oh, God.

No male model?

It was on the flyer.

That's how we got the old biddies in.

Some of 'em haven't seen a man in his undies since the '60s.

I'll hold 'em at bay with my marital aids display.

Oh! I'll ring Russy.

No, what about Mr Spake?

He won't look good in the posing pouch range.

Sod his bloody flat. We need Russell.

He is the only attractive man that we know.

Oh, God, oh, God.

It's all going wrong. What's the woman from head office doing?

Watching Sharon juggle four Stallions and a Lady Finger.

I've got to get someone, phone for an ambulance.

No, don't leave me.

Don't leave me. Don't leave me.

Come on, dear.

Flipping heck, Mrs S, what have you done to her?

Nothing. She's having a bloody baby.

Are you having a laugh?

Do I look as if I'm having a laugh?

Make her stop. There's a bloody show going on.

♪ I'm gonna to go out, ♪
♪ I'm gonna let myself get ♪
♪ Absolutely soaking wet ♪
♪ It's raining men ♪
♪ Hallelujah... ♪

Does everyone know what they're doing?

Steph.

I can't do this, Hellie.

Speak to so many.

You bloody can.

If we go down, so what? Might as well go down fighting.

You see everything!

A male model!

We'll have a great time tonight!

Evening, ladies. How are you?

£3.99?

Three girls? Come on.

Go on.

You'll be great.

When we first started selling this stuff, people told us that it would never work and that women weren't interested in s*x.

Good job you didn't listen!

Yeah, I think we've proved them wrong tonight, don't you?

Yeah!

So never let anyone tell you that you can't do it or that you're not good enough.

Because you are.

So, without further ado, ladies, allow me to introduce the fashion show.

First up, we have our Sally wearing the French Maid coming in at £19.95.

Followed by our Sharon wearing the Flare, coming in at a very reasonable £7.95.

And she is followed by Lucy in the Dreamboat.

Terry. You shouldn't be here.

Wanted to see for myself... the reason my wife walked away from me.

She didn't walk away cos of this.

It changed her.

.. coming soon, includes these cheeky little handcuffs, ladies. Keep them for later.

That is still Steph.

Let's have a big cheer for Nicky.

She's found herself.

You need to do the same.

Next we have our Linda. Come on out, Linda.

Linda has been with us from the beginning and she is wearing the Royale. Very regal, coming in at £19.50.

They'll be sticking around, so have a closer look later on.

And have an amazing night. The bar is open late.

Take it away.

I... I couldn't get hold of Russy so I've left a message with Mrs Spake.

Nita is having a baby in the dressing room.

She's what?

This is Jacqueline Gold from head office.

Hello. I'm so sorry, is there a problem?

Have we done something wrong?

No. No, on the contrary. Seems to me you're doing everything right.

This event, it's inspired. We've been keeping an eye on this area.

Top sales most weeks.

Stephanie, we'd like you to be unit manager in charge of this area's recruits.

Really?

Do you think you can handle it?

Yes!

That's great. I accept.

I-I just...

I have to... our friend's... having a baby in the back room.

Dawn, you're in charge.

Ooh, yes, sir.

I should have told you the minute that I found out.

There's no... There's no excuses that can make this right.

I let you down. I let you down. You are a good person.

And I am, I am normally.

I know.

But I looked you in the eye and I didn't say anything and I'm sorry.

Look, let's call a truce till the baby's here and then we can fight to the death.

Oh, God.

Here it comes.

Ooh!

Pant, pant.

Pant, pant, pant, pant, blow.

Blow.

Blow as if you've got to blow a million candles out. Go on, blow.

Oh, dear.

You all right?

Yes, yes, I'm fine. I've just blown a bit too much, you know.

I've gone a bit light.

You go.

I'm fine.

No, no, no. You two are more important.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

OK, OK, what can I do?

Get the scissors.

Get the scissors.

Ohh!

This baby's coming. We've got to cut her out of this jumpsuit.

All right.

Ooh!

Next up was supposed to be our male range.

Yay...

But unfortunately, our male model has...

Well, he's done a bunk.

I know, I know. I know.

All right, Lorraine, I'm telling your mummy you're booing me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop right there, beautiful lady.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, my God!

♪ Hey sucker ♪
♪ What the hell's got into you? ♪

I bloody love you, Mr Bundy! ♪
♪ What's with the frown? ♪
♪ But in return, all you could say ♪
♪ Was "Hi George, meet my fiance" ♪
♪ Wise guys realise there's danger in emotional ties ♪
♪ See me, single and free ♪
♪ No tears, no fears, what I want to be ♪
♪ One, two, take a look at you ♪
♪ Death by matrimony! ♪

OK, ladies, now that is all mine.

But you can pick up the Flasher posing pouch for £2.75.

He's so beautiful.

I'll go check on the ambulance.

What have I done?

Tell Steph... not to let my son go.

Welcome to the madhouse, little man.

Oh, wow. Tiny baby.

Just here.

Don't worry, I'll come with you.

Yeah, we'll all come with you.

Doesn't mean I forgive you.

You look like him. He had the same eyes.

Kind.

I let him walk away.

I didn't fight for either of you.

When you were born... I couldn't touch you.

Hold you.

Because I knew if I did, I would never, ever let you go.

I ruined your life once and I tried to do it again to protect myself.

Don't give up on Steph.

I lied about her wanting Terry.

It's you she loves.

I just got in the way.

I'm so... very sorry.

Where's Pauline? She go home?

She said to tell you to not let her son go.

But... Johnny's gone.

Johnny?

PC Daniels is her son?

What?

With Brian?

Well, she said to tell you to not let him go.

It's too late.

He's catching the last train.

Do you love him?

Yeah.

Then you should bloody tell him.

Oi! Train station. Now.

Oh, I've left Russell with all those women. They'll eat him alive.

I told Russell he could do the show.

If the lad wants to make a fool of himself in his own time, there's nothing I can do to stop him.

Ovaltine?

Brian...

These are my son's things.

He's just come back into my life.

PC Daniels.

Jonathan.

His name was the only thing I could give him.

I gave him up.

My father made me.

I loved Johnny's father.

But I shut him out and buried it all.

And then I met you and you made everything better.

Because you loved me.

And I loved you.

I do... love you.

Right, go and get him. Good luck.

♪ A love-struck Romeo ♪
♪ Sings the streets a serenade ♪
♪ Laying everybody low with a love song that he made ♪
♪ Steps out of the shade ♪
♪ Says something like ♪
♪ "You and me, babe, how about it?" ♪
♪ Juliet says, "Hey, it's Romeo ♪
♪ You nearly gave me a heart attack" ♪
♪ He's underneath the window ♪
♪ She's singing, "Hey, now, my boyfriend's back ♪
♪ You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that ♪
♪ Anyway, what you gonna do about it?" ♪
♪ Juliet ♪
♪ The dice was loaded from the start ♪
♪ And I bet ♪
♪ And you exploded in my heart ♪
♪ And I forget, I forget ♪
♪ The movie song ♪
♪ It was just that the time was wrong ♪

You're not going anywhere.

Well, I wasn't intending to.