03x01 - Females Only

I don't eve anna see you again.

Is that okay?

No. Not okay.

I'm having a shitty time right now.

No boyfriend, no job.

Oh, Hello.

I've never bee his well in my life.

This is what it's like hen the hunt is over.

Do you ever find tha ou are attracted to women?

You know what's going on.. nd you're writting an ebook.

This is the best thing that' ver happened to me.

I've f*cked Marnie.

You know you're moving out, right?


You're a ridiculous person.

And you're just a whore.

Where did you go?

You won't answer you ucking phone?

I don't think this... is working.

You're breaking up with me?

My girlfriend's friend got engaged.

You have a girlfriend?

I want you.

I love you.

I always have.

You really don't hav o do this.

Stay right where you are 'm coming to you.

You are here?

I was always here.

Hannah: I don't get why yo on't just come to dinner.

You're gonna have t ee her eventually.

Ray: Actually, no. I won't.

I never... I never ge hen people say that.

We live in a hug prawling Metropolis where it's very, very easy to avoi he person you don't want to see.


Yeah, but that's so sad.

Why? Because we once share rue and stunning intimacies and now we're nothin ore than strangers?


That's not sad, Hannah.

That's called life, okay verything dies.

I don't want to hea bout this again.

What's sad to me is the fac hat you're still working here, muddying the waters o y new establishment.

That's sad.

You begged me.

You said I was you queaky Fromme.

Ray: I never used those words.



What are you doing here?

I dropped my key own a subway grate.

Oh, hey, ray.

New apartment is working out great.

Oh, great, great reat, good. Yeah.

Did you meet my neighbor Nancy he's a f*ck...

Hannah: You okay?

She's a pistol.

Can I get the key ut of your pocket?

I left the oven on.

What's going on?

Natalia: Adam?


Who is that?

I don't know.

Who is that?

I don't know anybody here.

Well, you're not looking at them o how can you know them?

f*cking going. Come over here et over here.

Okay, well, she's coming over.

You big, tall umb slice of dog sh1t.

Hey, hey. Hey, natalia.

Look at her. Look at this angel.

Look what you did to her.

She looks good to me ery pretty.

She's changed.

I don't want to do this, okay?

I don't want to do this et's just go.

Oh, no, no. We cannot go, no.

No, this man jilted you.

You, a Saint e said he loved you and then he just neve alled you again.

Yes, I know. I know.

And I am...

Very sorry about that.

I just didn't understand for, like, a few weeks, you know hat it had really happened.

I know. I know.

And I'm sorry.

I just kind of thought that you' ome back with an explanation.

(Sighs ) I don't eve now why I wanted one.

Our whole thing wa o f*cked anyway.

I just...

Adam: I...

I have troubl ith confrontation.

Okay, well aybe she has trouble being f*cked lik piece of meat and being told tha he's all you need.

All right, guess what he's pregnant.

Okay he's pregnant with your child.

What you put in her t made a baby in her and now she's pregnant.

How does it feel t bandon your son?



Feel it. It's yours.

It's f*cking yours.

That's right.

No, I'm not.

That's right.

Okay, I am not pregnant.

Angie: But you could be.

f*cking sh1t.

You completely could b mpregnated by this donkey and he'd never know 'cause he f*cking disappeared.

You are a donkey.

Okay, I think, Hannah, it's time for us to go.


This is Hannah?

This... this is Hannah?

Did you leave in a rush?

It's really nice to meet you annah.


Wow, so you know what you hav n your hands here, right?

You know? You know tha ou have an off-the-wagon neanderthal s*x addict sociopath who's gonna f*ck yo ike he's never met you and like he doesn't love his own mother?

His own mother.

And then you're gonna turn aroun nd cry, 'cause that's what you do.

Does he like to eat you out fro ehind? Does he bite your neck?

Does he sound like a dying dog whe e's f*cking you and he shoots his cum all over the place like it's goddamn confetti?

We're in public.

f*cking in my hair.

Babe, you're better than this.

I had to get a goddam lowout after I left.

You know what? You're right et's just get out of here.

You know what? I hope you two...

You should just enjo our urine-soaked life f*cking like the two fera nimals that you both are.

You're gonna end up with a bab hat you don't know how to care for.

You're gonna f*cking kill your kid.

It's gonna die.

You're gonna give it spoiled formula.



You're not gonna get any milk out of those tits.

I just hope that you two enjoy th ucking life that you've chosen.

And we, we're not payin he check. Thanks.

And we're not paying the check hanks.

Ray: It's on the house.

I really like that blonde one.

So feisty.

Feisty shiksa.

Evie: You don't understand ho ard it is to get to this place.

I didn't get here overnight.

I did a lot of self work did charity work.

I worked on my body worked on myself.

You have to wor ard to move on.

I am, okay ow do you not think I'm trying?

I've changed my whole life.

I'm doing everythin ifferently.

Why are you being like this hy are you yelling at me?

Because I am f*cking sic f talking about him.

He is just the first of 20 guy ho is gonna f*ck you over.

That's just what guys do hy focus on this one?

It's not like h as Liam Hemsworth or Ryan Goslin r Channing Tatum or, I don't know, Jan-Michael Vincent.

I thought I was gonn pend my life with him.

You of all people shoul now what that's like.

It's hard and it's scary.

We don't get scared hat's not our style.

I gave you my middle name arie, because it has a legacy o trength and independence.

Yeah, you know what else it has?

Only one letter differentiate t from my first name.

Which is really weird.

Mom, I go into th ity to work every day at a job where I am respected.

I have friends 'm getting a new apartment.

I've already fixed everything.


Marnie: Yo.

Marn, where were you? I have a meeting.

I know. I'm sorry t was my f*cking mom.

Okay, I'm sorry. I love you.

I love you, too.

I'm sorry.




Hi, I'm Kelvyn and I'm an addict.

I'm having som ssues with change.

You know, the first thre ears that I lived in New York, it was magic t was just pure magic.

I mean, it was like my bloc as like a Fellini movie.

But one that you woul ctually want to watch.

Just the character hat you would see.

I just miss the way that I woul ust go to the f*cking corner to see what Brenda, the guy wit he flattop, was doing, you know?

And Brenda's not there anymore.

That whole worl sn't there anymore.

They're all gone.


Hey, hey.

It's not your fault.

(Kelvyn sobbing)

Yes, it is. It's my fault.

Jock: Mindy. Mindy.

Let's touch with our hearts ot our hands.


What does Kelvyn's shar ring up for you, Jessa?



No, just how awkwar t is watching everyone try and get it u or each other.

This guy's cryin ecause a froyo opened up on his block.

He's trying to think of th addest thing he can think of and it's not that sad.

She's a bitch.

Mindy ry and stay in your experience.

Mindy: She's a bitch. That's my experience.

(Laughs) That's good.

How long, Jessa ave you been using?

What do you want, Jock o you want me to cry?

Is that what you want?

About how my dad ha een in rehab 12 times?

About how I don' ven have his number?

Or my mother, how she can't eve o to the bathroom on her own?

Or how alone I feel an ithout a life vest?

Is that what you guys want ecause I can do it.

I'm really good at it, but it's reall xhausting and boring.

And, by the way figured my sh1t out already when I was five years old, okay?

Heroin is really fun.

But it can also kill you, okay?

And Melvin over here...

Kelvyn: Kelvyn.

Kelvyn over here is ark horse of society.

Not in a good way, my friend.

Oh, f*ck you.

Mindy: He's not a dark horse.

(Jessa laughs)

Okay, let's talk about "Mindy Methface" over here.

Mindy enjoys wearing scrunchies.

No one has addressed that.

Scrunchies? I've never worn ucking scrunchie in my whole life.

You want to wear them, though.

How come no one ha alked about this guy and that he insists on bein alled "Phred" with a "ph"?

Jock, are you just gonna let he o this? She's ruining everything.

She's running the group now. She's in charge.

She's not running the group.

I'm sorry. Shh.

(Groans) Jessa. Jessa.

I don't know what else to say.

You're already on male ban.

Yeah, I know.

This sign makes it pretty clear.


How do you think you'r rogressing here?

You know, I think...

I think I'm doing really good.

I haven't done drugs 've made some friends...

Some really ugly friends.. nd I don't even mind.

You know, I'm only here because it's what m randmother would pay for.

I do 60 days nd then she gets me a plane ticket and rent and, actually hese boots that I want.

They're called uggs hey're from Australia.

That's terrific.

All right et your foot off my desk and go.

This stuff is amazing.

It's fantastic ou're really cranking on this.

I'm so glad you'r appy with it.

And I'm also t goes without saying, so glad you're not suing me.

Why didn't you tell me you wer uffering from mental illness?

That's somethin e can work with.

I guess I was embarrasse o tell you the truth.

You were embarrassed?


You were embarrassed ou write about jerking a kidney stone out of som uerto Rican Jew's dick and you're embarrassed?


Okay, I see an inconsistency.

Seriously, this stuff is amazing.

Thank you.

And I think we should launc he first chapter on Nerve.com.

Honestly, any dot-com you want t ut it on is gonna be great by me.

But I am gonna work you on this.


I'm gonna work you all night.


Are you ready for that re you healthy enough?

Fully. 100%.

You're not sh1tting me, right?

I could not be more ready. And thi sn't like the manic thing I say right before I chop my ear of nd send it to you in the mail and blame you for my death.

Did you just bite the cup?

It's famous t's a trademark. Try it.

That's what thi lace is famous for.

I've been drinking fro cup this whole time and I didn't know it wa ade of pure chocolate?


Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Oh, my God.

Hannah: So my editor says my writin s better than it's ever been, which is reall xciting and amazing because it makes me feel lik verything that's been so terrible and painful in the last few months wa eading me to this point, you know?

And it's amazing to realiz hat my only limitation is my own mind.

Like, I hold the keys t he prison that is my mind.

What would you say are the main stressor ou're experiencing?

Um, boring stuff like money.


Money's a tough one because I still don't mak nough and neither does Adam.

He can only contribute a ver mall portion to the rent.

You know hatever he gets from his grandma and selling things he make ut of papier-mâché.

And what does he make ou f the papier-mâché?

Is that importan or you to know?

It could be t could be very important.

Well, I thought th ession was more about me.

Does he ever make a house? Dogs?

If you don't want to tal bout it, perfectly fine.

Would you say that Adam' ack of financial success makes you unhappy?

No, because he's like...

He's not a traditional person, so h an't just be slotted into any job.

You know, you haven't met him ut it's just like that's not...

That's not how he works lus, he takes care of me.

In what sense?

Let's see e makes sure I take my medicine.


He makes sure I eat protein.

That's very good.

He does this very kind of calming chant.

That's great. I...I used to chant.

My...my chanting, actually as gotten me through an awful lot of... things.

Okay, what was your chant?

(Softly) It's very private.


Yeah, so, it's been hard.

But I'm starting to recognize that while I am ictim of circumstances, I have a sickness that someone else gave to me.

And when I remember that,

I don't want to huf ighter fluid anymore.



Thank you so much, Laura.

I can't tell you how brav ou're being by sharing that.

Thank you.

I feel like you are using being molested as an excuse.

Excuse me?

I'm really sorry tha our Uncle f*cked you, but at the end of the day ou know, we've all been through a lot.

We can't go around blaming othe eople for our sh1t behavior.

I just feel like you're being a bit whiny.

I don't really feel safe around her.

Mindy: So aggressive you're so aggressive.

Jessa, is there a way you can phrase this idea that relates to you wn struggle a bit more?

Yeah you haven't once told us anything about how... what you feelings are about any of this.

You know? It's not fair.

You're exploiting the generosity hat we've had with you showing our feelings when you haven't once said how you feel about how...you have feelings.

Yeah, I dare you tell us how you feel.

Okay feel like Laura might be gay.

What the f*ck?

Hear me out, Laura, okay?

You hated having s*x with your boyfriend, even though he played hockey.

I never said that never said that.

And your vest.

f*ck you, hairstyle.

Kelvyn: Jock, this isn't okay.

Mindy: Yeah, it's not okay.

Jock: Laura!

She's not gonna come back.

You see what you've done? That' hat we call "provocation."

Kelvyn: Everything's ruined.


Get me a napkin.

Kelvyn: No.

Mindy: Don't give it to her.

Do you think that 16 taco s enough for four people if I also get a bi ucket of ice cream?

Maybe I'll get tw uckets of ice cream, 'cause Marnie's actuall omeone who eats more...


I don't want to do this.

Do what? Have dinner?

Have your friends over don't want to.

Okay, well ou agreed to it last week.

Yeah, because I didn't thin t would actually happen.

You always bail on them.

I don't always bail on them hey always bail on me.

Well, someone bails on someone.

Listen, if you want to see them o see them.

But why do I hav o be a part of it?

Because you're m artner in life and love and I want you to be a part o verything I do on this earth.

But wouldn't you rather go to the tac nd ice cream shop with your friends and come back an ind me in a good mood rather than invade ou lace and get me all pissed?

No. No, I wouldn't.

I don't make you hang ou ith any of my friends.

You don't have any friends.

That's just f*cking rude.

So is telling m ou hate my friends an hour before they're suppose o walk through our door.

I don't hate your friends. I'm just no nterested in anything they have to say.

I'm not interested i nything they have to say.

That's not th oint of friendship.

And earlier atalia was saying that...

Are you really gonna brin p what Natalia said?

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

It's just we need som hared experiences.

Well, I'm not gonna chang nto a different person just 'cause you want me to.

You have too. It's called "being in a relationship."

So you say.

(Music playing)

Are you allowed to smoke in here?

I am.

How do you get the o leave you alone?

I have a ver espectable accent.

Yeah, but so do I.

You have the accen f a little girl who grew up somewher etween Heathrow and JFK.

My daughter's is similar.

How old is she?

About your age, I guess.

Haven't seen her for a while.

Her mother hates me an he takes after her mother.

Do you know that today in group some dumb bitch thre offee in my face?

All because I told he hat she's a lesbian.

I did her that favor.

I just got to it quickl ather than this bullshit of everyone tiptoeing around it and just told her she' raging f*cking dyke.


Dyke or no dyke, people have to come t hings in their own time.

Now, you have to lear hen honesty is righteous and when honesty is nothin ore than a party trick.

You're a real sh1t for no nowing how old your daughter is.

Right iltered through the kaleidoscope of your own daddy issues.

I do not have daddy issues.

Please, we all have them.

Now, periodically, if you can, take time to reflec n the daddy issues that your dadd ad with his daddy and his daddy with his daddy and his daddy befor im and every daddy that's been going o addying before that daddy.

I know you know this ou're quite wise.

You know nothing about me.

Wisdom comes from experience.

And I suspect you've had many any experiences.

Too many, probably or someone of your age.

I've had fun.

But it wasn't always fun as it?





(Sighs ) What do you want?

To apologize.

To me?

Yes, you.

I don't want yo o be mad at me.

I would hate if you hated me.

Okay, whatever.

And I'm sorry for you ncle f*cking you.

And I'm also sorry that you've been throug lot and I understand.

I said, whatever.

(Laughs ) I don't reall eed this in here.

I had a weird Uncle. He was gay, but he also said a lo f awful things to me.

I was the first person he tol hat he had AIDS and I was five.

Did you know what AIDS was?

Yes, and I don't know how.

But the point is is tha also feel like a victim.


I am a lesbian.

I think.

But I still don' ike when people tell my business out in public.

And I don't like to frickin' play sports.

People always think "lesbians like sports."

And it's like, what?

I'm worried if I tell anybody hey're gonna ask me to do sports.

It's just...ugh.

Do you know how cool this is?

It's like I bet the minut hat you accept this, you won't ever wan o do drugs again.

They were laceholder for pussy.


Have you ever kissed a girl?

Shoshanna: Basically, it's the beginning of a somewhat sexually adventurou ime for me.

I'm alternatin ights of freedom with nights of academic focus so that at the en f my senior year, I will have had both experiences while also being super well-prepare or the professional world.

It sounds like eally good plan.

It sounds smart an trong and feminist.

What do you think, baby ood plan, right?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I think...

I think...

I think what you think retty much.

Marnie: I think it's really smart.

If you can avoi ove and feelings and matters of the heart and soul ou will be so much better off.

Adam: That's the saddes hing I've ever heard.

She's going through a breakup.

No, no, he's right t totally is.

I appreciate your candor, Adam always have.

(Mutters) You're welcome.

I sort of feel like Charlie' onna just materialize in a couple of months a ome random f*cking hospital and he's gonna turn ou o be one of those people who has a brain tumo hat makes him crazy like that dude who had a tumo hat made him a pedophile.

And then once they medicall emove it or whatever, he's gonna go bac o being normal.

It's not impossible.

He could be the subject o he next Oliver Sacks book.

I don't think so. I saw him.

You saw Charlie?


Why didn't you tell me?

You know, it just didn't seem...

We're not really friends.

Did you know?


He did not tell me that he ra nto Charlie on Bedford Avenue.

Did he ask about me?

Of course not.

Yeah, actually e said, "how's Marnie?"

What did you say?

I said, "She's good. She's good.

She seems very clean."

He said you had a new job.

He said you had a ne oyfriend from Spain.

Did he seem like h ad a girlfriend?

You all look ver orgeous this evening.

Thank you so much, my love hy don't we have some chips?

I didn't buy thes hips for my health, you know what I'm saying?


I just...

I'm so sick of crying because this whol ituation makes no sense.

I mean, we bought the ingredient o make grilled pizzas and we were going t ake grilled pizzas.

And the day we were suppose o do that, he left me.

On what f*cking plane oes that make any sense?

Cheers to your f*cking book annah, really.

Thank you so much. But, Marn, we'r ot gonna talk about my book right now.

This isn't the appropriat ime to discuss my incredibly excitin rofessional endeavor.

No, it is the time t's totally the time.

We should also talk about ho ucking good this taco is, huh?

Am I right?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

(Moaning )

This is getting logged.

When I was 22 his Colombian girl dumped me.

She was both Colombian and went to th niversity of Columbia.

And she was beautifu nd she was smart and she was related t abriel García Márquez.

And just as fast as we fel n love, she disappeared.

And I knew she had just used me.

You know, she was a ntellectual and I was a thug.

And I just stared a he ceiling all day remembering the firs ime we f*cked on my couch in Sunnyside after ainstorm on a Thursday.

Hannah: Okay, I'm not ealous person by nature, but I really hate this story.

He's telling an incredibl eautiful and romantic story.

Then one day after being f*cked u or months, I realized something.

I didn't know her.

She didn't know me.

Just because I taste er cum and spit or could tell you her middle nam r knew what record she liked, that doesn't mean anything hat's not a connection.

Anyone can have that.

Really knowing someon s something else.

It's a completel ifferent thing.

And when it happens ou won't be able to miss it.

You will be aware.

And you won't hurt or be afraid.






So I went down on fat gay Laura.

It was basically charity.

You have a pretty skewe iew of the world, jessa.

Usually the more et to know a person, the more sense they make to me ut not you.

Do you understand the implication our behavior has on Laura, on your family...

You know, you can't make things that mean nothin ean something.

Oh, wow.

Did you read tha ff a fortune cookie?

Are you a sociopath?

Are you a method acto esearching a role?

Well, congratulations. You go ourself kicked out of rehab.

You did what you set out to do.

Are we done?

(Adam moaning)


See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

That was f*cking great.

No, I mean with my friends.

It was such a successful dinner.

And I hate them so much more whe 'm not in the same place as them.

And you were so sweet to Marnie.

She really needed it and ust felt like I know you.

No matter what your craz x-girlfriend says, I really know you.



I really don't want to see you riends for, like, three months.



I'm sorry, I just...I can't.

(Phone chimes)

Who is that? "Unknown number" hate that.

Don't answer.


Hi, it's Jessa.


Don't scream. Relax, please.

Did you really just say "relax" to me?

Is that reall hat you just did?

Because, honestly, sometime hen you abandon someone and don't tell the here you are for months, it makes them fee retty shitty.

So then to call and say, "Oh, please, relax... "

I'm in rehab... in the middl f shitsville, nowhere.

That is so great.

Now I need you t ome and get me.

What? What'd she say?

I'm gonna place you o old for a brief moment.

Baby, how old do yo ave to be to rent a car?

♪ If you show up in my roo ith no clothes on, it's on ♪
♪ if you try to bust me ou ith your bail bonds on ♪
♪ it's on

♪ we could go to L.A., we could drink Manhattans ♪
♪ we can go to Chez jays, we can get old-fashion ♪
♪ it's on

♪ Billy told Mary tol ommy told Sue it's on ♪
♪ Larry told Barry tol e told you it's on ♪
♪ I can only imagin e'd all be fine ♪
♪ when you're dressed, when you're dressed to the nines ♪
♪ it's on

♪ try to bail me out

♪ it's on

♪ try to bail me out

♪ it's on

♪ try to bail me out

♪ it's on

♪ try to bail me out.