03x05 - Only Child

David's dead and no one even began to tell me what's next for my ebook.

We probably weren't thinking about your book, Hannah.

And I pretty much can't believe you are either.

This is Jessup.

Do I have to pretend that...

That she's dead.

No, I kinda get the sense that she's alive.

Oh, hahaha.

Knock knock.

You think my life is so funny...

Alright, maybe you should take the rest of the day off.

Do you even want to work here anymore?

Of course I don't want to work here.

Alright. Well, I guess that settles it then.

Great. We're happy to have you stay with us for as long as you need to.

No, she can't. You're not staying.

I understand your frustration with me, Addy, but I have nowhere to get lost to.

Hannah: Oh, my God, he really knew so many people.

It's just crazy that you don't know the depth of someone's power until their funeral.

It's so sad.

Oh, my God.

I think I see Zadie Smith.

That is definitely her.

All right, calm down, kid. It's a funeral.

Who do you know here?

Uh, that's David's assistant, Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Oh.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, hi, Hannah. Thank you.

Woman:

Oh, Bob.

Bob. Sweet, sweet Bob.

What would I do without you?

Hi, I'm Adam.

Oh, hi, Adam.

Hi.

Hi.

This is Hannah.

Hannah, hi.

A pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I'm Annaliese.

Oh, you haven't met. This is David's wife.

( whimpers )

Oh, you're... you're David's wife, yes.

So, you two lived together...

Yes.

...romantically as well as maritally.

I'm sorry, I... how did you know my husband?

This one. - Uh, yes, I was writing my memoir for him.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, I know exactly who you are.

David spoke about you all the time.

He did?

He did.

Oh, gosh, he loved you.

He really loved you so much.

You know, he always would tell me about this amazing girl that I needed to meet who would overcome such obstacles.

And now, finally, I am meeting you.

Thank you. Well, my OCD is very much in check now...

But the Tourette's and the obesity...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That was Paige.

What?

That wasn't Hannah. That was Paige.

Not Hannah.

Oh.

Obesity?

Um, no, no, no.

I don't have Tourette's.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know about obesity...

If everyone could take their seats.

I've always thought I was more chubby than obese.

No, no, no, overcame. It's my... I'm so sorry.

It's nice meeting you.

No, please.

It's very nice to... Bob, where are we headed?

Thank you.

Where are we seated?

( whispers ) I thought you said he was gay.

( whispering )

Well, I don't know now.

He had gay apps on his iPhone and he liked to show his ankles, but what does that even mean in this day and age?

Priest: Hello, everyone. I am Father Tudor Snowdon.

Today we celebrate the life of David Pressler-Goings.

( music playing )

Can we go now, please?

I'm not leaving until I have locked eyes with Michiko Kakutani.

I told you that.

Adam:

I'm gonna wait outside.

Hannah:

Okay.

Hi again.

Oh, hi.

Hannah.

Right.

Not Paige, Hannah.

I know.

I know, I'm sorry.

No, don't be.

I was surprised that David had such a beautiful... just stunningly...

You thought he was gay.

Uh, no.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. It's okay, it's okay.

I didn't. I thought he was straight.

It's okay.

I thought he was straight. I thought he wanted to sleep with me.

Really, I know you... - I mean, I wouldn't have slept with him, but...

A lot of people think it.

A lot of people think he was gay.

Well, he acted gay.

And, you know, he was... sometimes.

Okay.

I loved working with your husband.

David was wonderful.

Oh, I bet.

I mean, I know.

Um... I'm working on a book with David, too.

I was. Was.

I really hope you finish the book, and I really, really hope I get to read it someday.

Thank you. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, now that Millstreet has dropped all of David's projects, I just...

I'd have to find a new publisher, so, you know, we'll see...

Wait, you said Millstreet's dropped all of David's projects?

Yeah... oh, sh1t. sh1t.

There's David's mom. She's so devastated.

Have you seen Pepper? Did you meet her?

No, I didn't, no.

She's devastated and I should...

You were saying that... you were saying that Millstreet's dropped all of David's projects?

Right, that's right. For now, yeah.

So my book is dead?

Um...

Do you happen to know another publisher that I could maybe slip the manuscript to if I do decide that I really want to try to keep it alive?

Okay, um, if I do give you another name, will you get the f*ck out of here?

Yes.

Great.

Great, I'll be back.

Honestly, I just...

I loved your husband.

You know the person who gave me this told me that it used to belong to Edna St. Vincent Millay.

But who can ever know if that's true?

Can you believe that my friend told me that she died so that she didn't have to hang out with me?

Yeah, no, I totally get that.

Excuse me?

Okay, look, I know that we, like, technically live together, but this is still very much my private home and it just is slightly worrisome to me that all you do all day long is sit around and watch "The Forensic Files."

And I have kept my mouth shut until now, but I literally cannot keep my mouth shut any longer because I really need to study.

Since when?

Since forever!

Plus, my recent hijinks have really taken a toll on my GPA.

But I thought this was your time to go wild before you become an international business lady.

Yeah, exactly, so it's really important to my 15-year plan that I get into a good business school because I don't want to become like all my friends and family, yourself included, no offense.

What happens after the 15-year plan?

It would be, like, insane to think about that.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I could definitely come in tomorrow.

Adam: ...conditioner later and then it's deodorant.

Caroline: Why? Why? Why are you inherently disinclined to support me in any way?

Adam: You're living in my house.

Oh, God!

Thank you so much. I will see you then.

I really appreciate it.

( argument continues )

Why should I give you anything?

Oh, right, God forbid. God forbid we assist one another, right?

Simply because we share the same blood.

Guys...

Forget about the fact that I spent my formative years raising you because Verna had absolutely no interest.

No, I never asked you for anything.

No one ever asked you for anything.

Oh, please.

You can't be bothered to do anything for anybody.

You need something from everyone all the time...

( screams ) Whoa!

Oh, my God.

Seriously.

Seriously, it's already been a very long day for me, and what I need is a peaceful house where people are centered.

See what you're doing, Caroline?

You're upsetting Hannah when she just found out her book is dead.

I actually just found out I have a very exciting meeting with a publisher who I think is pretty interested.

I was just trying to make myself a meal.

Just feeding myself...

With my last eggs.

Guys, I cannot take this anymore, okay?

We have to work this out.

There is no working this out.

Okay, I've watched enough "Dr. Phils" and "Interventions" to know you can work anything out if you talk about it.

I would love to.

Thank you, Caroline. I appreciate that.

Adam?

Will you join us at the listening table?

Please?

( laughs )

Come on.

Thank you.

Okay, I think we should all start by acknowledging that we all really care about each other.

So, Caroline, tell me you love me.

Hannah, I love you.

I love you, too. Adam, you tell me you love me.

Why are we telling you we love you?

( sighs ) Okay, so then why don't you both just tell each other that you love each other?

Adam, I love you.

This is dumb.

Hannah: Okay, emotions are running high right now, and I think it's really important that we avoid using inflammatory language... words like "dumb," words like "skank," "fatty."

Let's just acknowledge that we're here for each other and make this a safe space.

So, Adam, why don't you just begin by telling Caroline what some of your issues are with her in a very calm, rational way?

I feel like she's an evil person who pukes on everything, metaphorically.

Okay, maybe perhaps you could elaborate on that...

Jeez.

...and be a little bit more specific with some of your issues with me.

Okay, specifically...

Mm-hmm.

...you don't know what you want to do with your life.

You have no drive, no real goals, but somehow tons of opinions.

Hannah: Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting.

Why is that interesting seven times?

I just have to say that sounds a lot like you.

Whose side are you on?

She's not on anyone's side.

She's the Dr. Phil.

Well, it's easy to say when she's on your side.

I'm not on anyone's side. - ( mocking gibberish )

I'm not on anyone's side.

( whispering )

I'm on your side.

If I had to pick a side, it would be your side.

This is something I'm doing for us.

Why are you whispering? She can hear you.

I can hear you. I'm sitting right here.

What is that? - This is a space cigarette, invented by Stephen Dorff.

It's just water vapor and nicotine and good things like that, you know?

I'm really on a mission to improve myself.

Okay, if you're serious about improving yourself, you need to do more than just, like, smoke Dorff cigarettes.

You need to, like, grocery shop and condition your hair, even though I know it does so well with natural oils.

Jessa:

I'm gonna get that job.

Are you sure that's the kind of job you should be having?

Like, being near things that children are near?

Yeah, I want something with a touch of innocence.

Shoshanna:

You have a criminal record!

Adam:

No, I'm not like you.

I'm not a different person every other week.

Oh, really?

You're hearing each other.

Let's keep doing that.

Really? Oh, what is it?

Okay, it was an actor last week.

What was it before that, a woodworker, huh?

And the last time I saw you, you were, what, you were gonna go join the special armed forces, G.I. Joe?

Those are professions.

That's crazy.

I remain the same, whereas you move to Montana, put on a phony accent, and claim to be a midwife or some sh1t.

It was a doula.

You know what, guys? Let's just take a breath, okay?

Adam, we have given you a chance to express what some of your issues with Caroline are.

So, why don't we now take a moment to hear Caroline?

You are doing really good.

Thank you. I feel good about it, but it's too soon to say.

Okay, first I want to say, Adam, that I love you very much.

Oh.

However... it really upsets me that he thinks of me as this insane, dependent nightmare because he knows how hard I have been trying to get my stuff together.

Things fell apart because of bad luck and you're the victim again, but next year...

Yes, yes, I am cursed with bad luck.

I am sorry that that upsets you so much.

Over and over.

Just get a normal job and an apartment like everybody else and stop bloodsucking.

He's been angry like this always at me.

Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.

I think it is possibly because he is internally battling a sexual desire for me.

Holy dogshit!

That's a weird one. That's a weird one for me.

I'm sorry, guys. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to correlate Adam's romantic interest in you with a repressed fantasy toward me.

I don't want to f*ck my sister.

No one is saying you do.

( stomps foot )

Caroline just did.

That is true, and, Caroline, that goes in the category of things we should never say out loud ever, no matter what.

This is what she does. She finds a way to drive a wedge between people so everybody ends up just as unhappy as she is.

I know, I know. I don't want a wedge between us.

She's sick in the brain.

You're sick!

You're sick in the brain! You're sick... ( screaming )

Hannah:

Stop it, you guys!

Please stop!

Please! Hey! Hey!

Aha.

Hey, T.O.! You're nuts!

( laughs )

I do not understand why you can't be a little bit better to each other.

Being an only child is extremely lonely.

All I wanted as a kid was a sibling.

Caroline, come on, you don't think your brother wants to have s*x with you.

No, not in a physical way, no.

See, it was all a big misunderstanding, all right?

So can't you just tell your sister you love her?

Yeah, I do. Whatever.

Feliz cumpleaños. Great!

Okay, you just make me crazy.

I know I do.

I'm sorry.

Sorry I yelled at you.

( phone chiming )

Hold on one second, guys. I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna put this on sil... okay, I'm sorry, I have to take this.

Marn, I can't talk right now.

So, I went out this morning to get a muffin and I saw this teenager giving away kittens from his backpack.

And so I took the cutest one.

You have to come over and see it.

I'm sorry. I really... I can't.

You never can, Hannah. Why?

Well, I'm sorry. We're having a very real moment over here.

Fine, don't come see the cutest thing that's ever lived.

Good-bye.

( purring )

You're my best friend.

( meows )

( whistle blows ) - ( horns honking )

( hawking )

( doors open )

Hannah.

Hi.

I had Mo read a couple of chapters last night and he loved them.

Loved them.

That's what I said.

So I read a bit this morning and I get you, Hannah Horvath.

And I like you.

I knew she would.

Thank you so much.

You're like a Mindy Kaling meets, um...

Joan Didion.

No, Mo.

Well, I love Mindy Kaling. She's terrific.

Right, but she holds back.

I mean, she'll go there, but she doesn't go all the way there, you know what I mean?

I definitely do. She just never, um... she never takes it there.

You take it there and then you take it even further and I'm just like, "Whoa, how the f*ck did we get here?"

Mindy Kaling's not writing about choking on long balls, so...

( laughs )

Well, neither am I.

You wish, Mo. Anyway, the book obviously needs some work.

It's not as tight as it can be, but I really think we can get it there.

So, who is Hannah Horvath?

Uh, I am. I write my own books and I'm not a...

Right, no, but beyond these pages.

I want to know more. Who are we selling?

How would you describe yourself?

What's your brand?

Good question, Mo.

Thank you.

Okay, let's see. My brand.

Well, I'm from the Midwest, so I will always be 15 to 45 pounds overweight, depending how far I live from the coast.

( both laughing )

The farther I am from the coast, the fatter I am.

( laughing )

So, I guess my brand is Tombstone Pizza.

( laughing )

Uh, let's see. Um, I...

I feel like I'm a person who just, like, can't keep my mouth shut.

I mean, there's things that you only talk about with your friends.

Those things I'll talk about with anyone.

I don't believe in secrets.

Right, TMI all the time.

You're like Kathy Griffin on truth serum.

Well, I don't know. Kathy Griffin's not exactly...

What the f*ck is truth serum, Mo?

Well, I'm sold, but here's the thing about our company.

We don't do e-books.

Well, maybe you should start.

Nope, so we'd want to put it out as an actual book.

You know, that you can hold, buy in a store, that kind of thing.

I hope that's okay with you.

Are you kidding me?

I mean, that's the best thing I've ever heard.

I just said yes to an e-book because it was better than, like, a "no book."

( both laughing )

( screaming )

That's exciting.

Sorry.

You guys laugh too much. I don't even care.

( laughing )

I'm sorry. That's so good.

Okay, Mo.

I'm so... I'm sorry.

( knock on door )

Hey, what's up?

Hey. What are you wearing?

I'm heading to play ball.

You play basketball?

Yeah, what do you think I do?

I don't know, read, eat soup, write letters of complaint to local businesses?

Won't you come in?

Wow, Ray, this place is huge.

Yeah, well, it's not exactly Versailles, but it works for me.

Yeah, it's not half as bad as Hannah said it was.

No, it was. Believe me, it was a real house of horrors.

Yeah.

I'm kind of surprised you live in such a nice place.

No offense.

I could never live all the way out here, though.

Once you go to Manhattan, it's kind of hard to go back to Brooklyn.

Well, sounds like you know what you're doing to me.

Totally, thank you.

Yeah.

( sighs )

So...

Yeah?

I'm on pins and needles here, Marn.

What did you want to talk about?

Yeah, so I guess I just wanted you to, um...

God, I don't really know how to say this.

Um...

I wanted you to tell me what's wrong with me.

What's wrong with you?

Yes.

It just feels like it's time for me to take responsibility for what has happened in my life, and you are someone who likes to tell people what's wrong with them anyway, so, shoot.

I'm smelling a trap here.

No, it is not a trap.

Seriously, this is what I need.

From you, specifically, please.

So, just give it to me.

Please.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

You ready for this?

Yes, I am a strong woman.

All right, let's see here.

Hmm, well, for beginners, you're extremely judgmental.

What?

Yeah, you came in here and immediately insulted me and my neighborhood.

Those were funny jokes.

Were they? Were they funny jokes, Marn?

Well... - You come across like you're better than everyone and you want no part of their lives, and then when you're excluded from things, you're outrageously offended and hold onto this grudge.

Also you're unbearably uptight.

Okay, who isn't uptight, really?

If we're being serious.

And you use people.

No.

You use people a lot.

No.

Yeah, you do.

So much so that even when you try to connect and be sincere, it comes across as phony.

I think that actually more or less sums it up in a nutshell.

You're a huge, fat f*cking phony.

Wow.

Okay, yeah, thanks.

I'm super glad I came here. That was great.

Yeah.

f*ck.

( groans )

But, that being said, I still like you.

Why?

Because... because behind it all, I think you mean well.

And I'm old enough to recognize that all of this bullshit comes from a very deep, dank, dark, toxic well of insecurity, probably created by your absent father.

And that allows you to be a sympathetic character.

That's nice.

Look... you are, ultimately, a good person, Marnie.

Okay? I believe that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You want a hug?

Come on. Give me a hug.

Maybe I went a little too far. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Take these off. Take these off.

Take them down.

Oh, f*ck, how many pairs of underwear do you wear?

( phone chiming )

Hi, Dad.

Hi, hi, honey.

( giggles ) What's going on?

Oh, nothing, just taking the day off to soak up some rays.

Well, also, I had a small procedure.

Nothing to worry about. Are you...

Okay, I just met with a publisher and they want to give me a real book deal.

Not a stupid, pathetic, shitty e-book deal, a real book deal.

Well, that is... that's great, love bug.

Are you okay? Why aren't you more excited?

Uh, well, to be honest, you know, I just got off the phone with Cousin Rudy, and he looked at that contract like you wanted him to, and it seems that your old publishers own the rights to your book since they paid you.

No, they were very, very clear about the fact that they're definitely not publishing the book.

Well, Rudy called and spoke with someone over at the Millstreet, and apparently they don't release the rights on any of the books they acquire for, like... for three years.

Dad, that's insane.

You're not making any sense, okay?

You're, like, loopy from your procedure or whatever.

Small mole on my... - Plus, Rudy is not even a real lawyer, okay?

He's like a Subway Sandwiches franchise lawyer.

Now, let's not go and insult Cousin Rudy.

He took the time to... - Rudy represents sandwiches, not art, okay?

If a pepperoni sub is ever suing a tuna salad sandwich, let's call Cousin Rudy.

Well, I think you should call Cousin Rudy and talk all this over with him.

And it sounds like, in three years, you'll be able to do whatever you want with that book.

Three years?

Three years might as well be a million years.

Well, we tried three years for you.

Well, you're insane and I have to go.

I should really get going. I have this lunch thing.

Yeah, ahem, I should get going, too.

I run point...

Oh. point guard on the court, so I don't want to keep the fellas waiting.

Mm-mm, you can't do that.

No.

( laughs ) No.

Should I wait for you?

No, you go ahead. No, I'll wait here.

You go... so...

Hey, um... thanks for talking to me.

That was really helpful when you talked to me.

Yeah, yeah. No, of course.

I'm glad it was helpful.

Nice to know I could be of service.

Okay, so... yeah, so, be safe and stay warm.

You know, maybe for the time being, it might be best to keep this on the DL, the down low.

You know?

Go f*ck yourself.

Like I'd advertise this.

Okay.

"Miss Horvath, pursuant to our agreement of July 18th, 2012, the exclusive rights to your e-book are nontransferable and remain the property of Millstreet Press and all relevant subsidiary divisions for three years, effective the date of signing."

I am so sorry. You poor thing.

Oh. - This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

( sighs )

Listen. Listen to me.

You wrote all of those wonderful stories and now you know you can do it.

You just have to write a whole new bunch of wonderful stories, that's all.

Blech.

"A whole new bunch of wonderful stories"?

My whole life was in that book.

Everything that's ever happened to me, okay?

The hand job kidney stone.

The time I fell asleep on a pile of pizza boxes.

When I made out with the Cuban refugee, then the thing happened with the glitter pens.

All of it's in there!

And now what am I gonna do, live another 25 years just to create a body of work that matches the one that they stole from me?

What if nothing happens in the next 25 years?

What if I'm still living in this apartment wondering if there's asbestos?

What will I write about then?

Why are they doing this to me?

I know how you feel.

I really do. Listen.

When I was in the eighth grade, they came to shoot "Independence Day" in my hometown, and I got an audition for the part of Alicia Casse.

Mm-hmm.

By all accounts, I was fabulous.

I mean, the part was tailor-made for me.

They gave it to somebody else, but in that moment, I was certain that my acting career was finished, you know, forever.

Caroline, that has absolutely nothing to do with what we're talking about, and your acting career is over.

( pounds table ) Where's Adam?

You know, he should be here for you right now.

Mm-mm.

No, he shouldn't.

He has his own things going on.

No, don't you see, Hannah?

This is his modus operandi.

When times are sunny, oh, there's Adam.

But when the great seesaw of life throws your c**t in a sandbox, he's a ghost, This is what he does.

Hey, Caroline?

Yeah, honey?

Can you do me a favor?

Anything.

Can you try shutting the f*ck up?

Listen, I feel your pain. I really do.

But, honey, I think you're projecting a little bit.

You feel my pain? How do you feel anyone's pain?

All you do is talk and talk and talk and talk.

And every time I come home to my apartment, you're just here talking.

And at first it was kind of fun, but now I'm getting pretty f*cking sick of listening to your mouth run.

Just...

( imitates retching )

I'll go to my room, give you a little space.

It's not your room, it's my room.

The whole apartment's mine, and for the low, low price of $2,100 a month, it could be yours, but it isn't.

Well, what would you like for me to do, Hannah?

Hmm, let me think about it.

I'd really like you to get the f*ck out of my apartment!

f*cking selfish little whore.

You and my brother deserve one other, you know that, you selfish little pricks?

And you will never write a thing that matters because you will never understand the true struggles of humanity because you just slipped right out of your mother's pussy like a nice little golden egg, you spoiled little f*cking brat.

Man on TV:

I actually suffer and... and still continue to suffer from acne.

( footsteps approaching )

( panting ) Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

Where's Caroline?

I kicked her out.

What? Why?

Uh, 'cause she was ruining our lives and I thought it would make you happy, finally.

Well, what happened?

Where'd she go?

I don't know.

Hannah?

I don't know.

What did you do?

I'm supposed to be taking care of her.

Well, you didn't like doing that, so...

Yeah, so? She's my sister.

Do you understand that? What the f*ck?

♪ Baby, we're running out of money ♪
♪ Honey, we're running out of dough ♪
♪ I'm turning back to the man that I once was ♪
♪ But it was fun to fool them for a while ♪
♪ Finally those good times are coming ♪
♪ Those good times are coming ♪
♪ Good times are coming to an end ♪
♪ Good times are coming, those good times are coming ♪
♪ Good times are coming to an end ♪
♪ Everyone smiles for a sad song ♪
♪ Especially when they're riding high ♪
♪ But right now, it's a crying shame ♪
♪ That the good times are coming to an end ♪
♪ Finally those good times are coming ♪
♪ Those good times are coming ♪
♪ Good times are coming to an end ♪
♪ All those good times are coming ♪
♪ Those good times are coming ♪
♪ Good times are coming to an end ♪
♪ Good times are coming to an end. ♪