01x01 - The Pilot

( Piano playing )

( Chuckles )

Will you two slow down?

You're eating like they're going to take it away from you.

( Mouth full )

I'm a growing girl.

( Laughs )

It's such a pleasure seeing you and...

Seeing how well work is going.

Work's going really well, yeah.

My boss said that he wants to see my book when it's done, which is really exciting.

Where are you at with that?

Oh, well, I've done four of the essays, and I'm just kind of polishing them up.

And my hope is that it's going to be nine.

But, you know, it's a memoir. So-- have to live them first.

( Mother chuckles ) Tim, I don't want to just leave it till the end of dinner.

I hear that. Um...

Hannah, your mother and I have been...

Talking, and we feel that it may be time-- how can I phrase this?

Well, we see how well you're doing at work.

And you really seem to be figuring out what it is that you want.

But it may be time for one final push.

What is a "final push"?

We're not going to be supporting you any longer.

You see, I wasn't going to phrase it like that, Loreen, the way you phrased it.

But I have no job.

No, you have an internship that you say is going to turn into a job.

I don't know when.

You graduated from college two years ago.

We've been supporting you for two years, and that's enough.

Do you know how crazy the economy is right now?

I mean, all my friends get help from their parents.

We are sympathetic to that.

But I'm your only child, it's not like I'm draining all your resources.

I mean, this feels very arbitrary.

You don't know anything about our finances.

My "groovy" lifestyle?

The bills add up. We're covering your rent, your insurance, your cell phone.

You said it was cheaper for you if I was on the family plan.

Yeah.

May I get you more of anything?

Uh--

No, she's fine.

Delicious.

Yeah.

This is nuts.

Ted, can you help me here?

I could be a drug addict. Do you realize how lucky you are?

I mean, it doesn't have to be heroin, it could be something more insidious, like pills.

Which are legal, and which a lot of kids do, all the time.

And then slowly they become totally useless.

They seem really high-functioning, and then it just ruins them.

Okay, my friend Sophie, her parents don't support her.

Last summer, she had two abortions right in a row, and no one came with her.

What does that have to do with anything?

I'm just saying that I am so close to the life that I want, the life that you want for me, for you to just end that right now?

No more money.

Starting when?

Starting now.

We can talk about it tomorrow.

I don't want to see you tomorrow.

What?

But we fly out Tuesday.

I have work, and then I have a dinner thing, and then I am busy trying to become who I am.

( Music playing )

( Alarm beeping )

Alarm, alarm.

( Groaning )

Where is it?

I don't know.

Driver: Miss? You are here.

Already?

Girl: Good morning, Charlie.

Why didn't you wake me up?

I didn't mean to sleep with Hannah.

Charlie: Because you two looked so angelic.

Hmm, Victoria's secret angel, fat baby angel.

Don't say that.

No way, you look awesome these days.

Please avert your eyes.

Oh...

Is that a present?

Is that for me?

Uh-oh. Give it here.

Thank you.

You guys fell asleep to Mary Tyler Moore again, huh?

Yes, guilty.

It's a very odd show to hear through a wall.

Coming at ya.

Here it comes.

Pow!

I just blew up a kiss on you.

Are you going to leave your towel on?

( Chuckles ) Yes.

But I never see you naked, and you always see me naked.

When it should actually be the other way around.

You are beautiful, shut up.

I don't need that.

I need to see your boobs.

We, you don't get to, sorry.

I only show my boobs to people I'm having s*x with.

You literally slept in my bed to avoid him.

I know.

He and I have turned a corner.

His touch now feels like a weird uncle just putting his hand on my knee at Thanksgiving.

What are you going to do?

I think I have to end it.

You can't do that.

I have to. Why not?

'Cause he'll stand outside our window with a boom box or he'll kill himself.

Stop.

Hey, babe. Oh, whoa.

Sorry. I thought it was just my girlfriend in here.

Dude, it's never just your girlfriend in here.

I'm just saying goodbye.

I'll see you ladies tonight, and I'll pick up wine.

Okay, big kisses.

Bye.

What does it even feel like to be loved that much?

I don't know. I can't feel it anymore.

( Chuckling ) Oh, no.

I know, I just--

And it makes me feel like such a bitch 'cause I can feel him being so nice to me.

And yet it makes me so angry.

I think you need to admit something to yourself, which is that you're sick of eating him out.

Ew.

'Cause he has a v*g1n*.

Hi. Ca va?

Bonjour, roomie.

Oh, my God. You're so hip, I could puke.

I can never pull off that hat. How do you pull off that hat?

I love your jumper.

Your skin is, like, hauntingly beautiful.

Can I put my bags down?

What?

Oh, my God, of course.

You're like my favorite cousin.

I'm the only one of my girlfriends that has a British cousin.

How long do you think you're going to stay for?

Not that I'm asking you to leave. You can totally stay forever if you want to.

Can I have something to eat?

Yeah.

You've been interning there for a year.

You need to tell them it's time to get paid.

Costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

This is not a joke. If you can't afford to pay your half of the rent, Charlie is going to move in here.

You're dumping Charlie.

I didn't say that.

So I texted Adam about tonight, and I have not heard anything back.

Hannah, look at me.

He never, ever texts you back.

Maybe I should call him.

Didn't you say texting's like the lowest form of communication on the pillar of chat?

The totem of chat.

No, the lowest, that would be Facebook, followed by gChat, then texting, then email, then phone.

Gotcha.

Face-to-face is, of course, ideal. But it's not of this time.

Okay, but then how am I supposed to get him face-to-face if he refuses to text me?

Think Jessa will really appreciate the welcome-home dinner.

It's a very friendish thing of us to do.

What?

I just know she's going to show up late, wearing some fabulous blankety dress from a Grecian marketplace and be like...

( British accent ) "Oh, I can't remember where I got this."

I'm really glad that she's coming home.

But every time she comes into town, you go on some week-long bender, and then she leaves to go off to her next country and I'm left to pick up the pieces.

Okay, it is so rare that I say this, but I just think she's fun.

Yeah, it was really fun when she f*cked Carolyn’s boyfriend.

She didn't f*ck your boyfriend.

That's 'cause he was in Prague that semester.

Thanks so much.

It's a great deal for Nolita.

I mean 2,100 a month? Amaze.

It's a little more expensive than the dorms, but aunt Ilene thinks it's like the perfect bachelorette pad.

I mean...

( Chuckles )

Do you like the poster?

Oh, you know, I've never seen that movie.

Only the show?

Is it a show?

Oh, my God. You're not serious.

I mean, that's like not being on Facebook.

I'm not on Facebook.

You're so f*cking classy.

You know, you're funny because you're definitely like a Carrie but with, like, some Samantha aspects and Charlotte hair.

That's like a really good combination.

Oh, thank you.

I think I'm definitely a Carrie at heart, but, like, sometimes-- sometimes Samantha kind of comes out.

And then when I'm at school, I definitely try and put on my Miranda hat.

Where were you before France?

Before France, I was in Amsterdam--

No, I was in Bali, and I was shucking pearls there.

And then I met a surfer--

Oh, my God. Did he really like you?

He really liked you, right?

Yeah, he really liked me.

Hannah?

Hello, Alistair.

( Mumbling )

Hello.

You seem eager.

As you know, I've been working here for over a year.

Has it been that long?

Well, you are an invaluable part of our operation.

Which I recently learned means very valuable as opposed to not at all valuable.

And I wanted to let you know that my circumstances have changed and I can no longer afford to work for free.

Oh, Hannah.

I am so sorry to lose you.

I was just going to start you manning our Twitter, you have just the quippy voice for that.

Oh, no, I'm not quitting.

I just-- I know that Joy-Lynn got hired after interning, so I thought that maybe--

Hannah.

Joy-Lynn knows Photoshop.

Now, in this economy, do you know how many internship requests I get every day?

I would assume a lot.

50, it's about 50.

I practically route them into my spam folders.

So, if you think you have just nothing left to learn from us...

No, it is not that, really.

I just, you know, gotta eat.

Well, when you get hungry enough, you're going to figure it out.

Do you mean like physically hungry or hungry for the job?

I am really going to miss your energy.

I think this is going to be really good for you.

Uh, you mentioned that when I was finished with my book, I could send it to you.

Well, we wouldn't have you here to read it for us. Would we?

( Sighs )

Where are you going?

Will you get me a luna bar?

And a smartwater and vitaminwater?

Yo, hey.

Yeah, no, I'm actually just leaving a friend's house that's, like, right by your house, so...

Yeah?

Hey. Hey, doll.

Hey.

"Doll," that is what my dad calls me.

Yeah, I know. He told me. We're in the same circle jerk.

( Both chuckle )

I just had the worst ever day.

You were nearby?

Why?

Um, I got fired from my job.

Weren't you an intern?

Well, I was working there for a while so I was technically an intern.

So basically they just asked you to not hang out there anymore?

But I was walking over here--

( Laughs )

Funny. I was on my way over here and I was panicking, but then it occurred to me, I'm an English major, there has to be some--

Major doesn't matter. I was comp lit and it hasn't done sh1t.

Yeah, but you're an actor, so aren't you always comparing different literature?

I-I don't know.

Plus I'm into this woodworking stuff. It's just more honest.

Yeah, it all looks awesome. But what about your play?

Yeah, we're not doing it. That guy's a dick.

Can I sit down?

Yeah.

So if I tell you something, will you promise that you won't judge me?

Yes.

Till yesterday, I got all of my money from my parents.

Okay.

Does that make you feel sick? Make you not want to talk to me?

No, I mean I wouldn't take sh1t from my parents. They're buffoons.

But my grandma gives me $800 a month.

Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

So is, like, that how you support yourself?

Yeah. I mean, I supplement.

But it gives me the freedom that I don't have to be anyone's slave.

You should never be anyone's f*cking slave.

Except mine.

You're feeling pretty frisky.

I really despise that word. I hate it so much.

I like you so much. I don't know where you disappear to.

What are you talking about? I'm right here.

It's so funny that it's still light out, but it's getting dark a lot earlier these days.

Is this some of your poetry?

Don't be a jerk.

Who, me?

Do you know that part on your resume where they ask you to list all of your special skills?

I haven't applied for a job in a long f*cking time.

It's the thing where they ask you to list, like, yoga, Spanish, waterskiing, Photoshop.

I feel like I...

Don't have any special skills.

I have something you can do.

What?

But first I have to see if you fulfill all the requirements.

What are the requirements?

Lie on your stomach.

Now?

Yes, now. Wait.

You modern career woman, I know what you like.

You think you can just come in here and talk all that noise?

Uh, no.

Grab your legs.

( Grunts )

Just-- what did you say?

Grab your legs.

Okay.

Okay, this is good.

I'm gonna go get some lube.

Why do we need to get lube?

When I get back, I want you in the exact same position, but take all the rest of the sh1t off.

Will you get a condom?

I'll consider it.

Jesus f*cking Christ.

This is really hard.

( Humming )

Is that okay?

Yeah.

You putting on a condom?

No!

Wait, you are, right?

Yes.

Okay, 'cause when you said the thing about lube, I was worried you were going to try to-- do that. Please don't do that.

That feels awful. Thank you.

It's all right.

Okay. Thank you.

That's the right spot.

Yeah, sorry.

So I can just stay like this for a little while?

Yeah.

Do you need me to move more?

What?

I just didn't know if you wanted me to be more like-- like that.

Oh, no. This is fine. You're doing great.

This is all you need to do.

I'm sorry about the wrong hole thing.

I just-- I don't want to do it now, and if we did, I'd just want to talk about it and just figure out what-- it's just not comfortable for me--

Let's play the quiet game.

So you're not mad at me?

No, I'm great.

A great time.

Charlie: You know what would be crazy?

What would be crazy?

If we...

Just got crazy, right here right now.

We could just do that.

Nobody's stopping us. Nobody's home.

What would turn you on the most right now?

What would turn me on the most?

What would turn you on the most?

( Chuckles )

To turn you on, that's what would turn me on.

Let me do that.

Okay, uh...

Um, what if you were a stranger?

Oh, yeah, a stranger.

What if you were just like a totally different person?

You didn't act like you?

( Doorbell buzzes )

I think Jessa's here.

Oh, no. I think that might be Ray.

You invited Ray?

It was going to be like a four-person party.

That's called dinner.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

What's with all the tattoos?

What do you mean?

Why'd you do all of them?

They're illustrations from children's books mostly.

( Growls )

Even the one on your ass?

( Slaps )

Uh, no. That one my friend Jessa did sophomore year with a safety pin.

It's a snake wrapped around the moon.

When did you do that?

I did them mostly in high school.

Why?

Truthfully? I gained a bunch of weight very quickly, and I just felt very out of control of my own body, and it was just this, like, "I'm taking control of my own shape."

You know, I was fat in high school.

Really?

Yeah, but I didn't go drawing all over myself.

You're not that fat anymore. You can just have them lasered off.

Mm.

Mmm.

( Laughs )

What time is it?

Um... 5:00.

( Scoffs ) What time is it?

9:45.

I am so late for this dinner thing.

f*ck.

Seriously, this was really, really nice.

It was really good to see you.

Well, I'm glad. Thanks for coming.

It made me feel a lot better, so...

I'll see you soon?

Yeah, just text me.

It's not like they're commandments, but generally speaking, as a general rule, I try not to date women that are under 25 or that have been at one point in their life penetrated by a drummer.

One time!

Guilty of both.

But I was walking through the mall this morning,

I see these two huge green orbs bobbing through the mall.

Look at these eyes! Have you seen these eyes?

They're my eyes!

He's so nice to me.

Ridiculous.

Look at those lashes, too. Have you seen these lashes?

Guilty as charged.

So cute.

You okay?

Yeah, I just can't believe Hannah didn't show up.

We're here. Livin' it up. Partyin' down.

I don't mean to be rude. I'm just not really into eating this week.

Marnie: Hannah was the one saying this was our big reunion and now she's nowhere to be found.

Are you worried? Should we call someone?

No, especially because I know exactly where she is.

She's off having gross s*x with that animal. ( Chuckles )

In what way gross?

Charlie would like to at least hear about some s*x.

Excuse me?

Ray's just being motivational.

Come on, at least you didn't have to entertain Jessa on her own.

Yeah, 'cause I didn't get to entertain anybody because no one came.

Jessa: Hannah! Marnie!

Who's that? She sounds British.

Oh, I ordered a few hookers, if you guys don't mind.

( Laughing )

Bulgarian girls. Top-shelf.

Nice girls.

He kills me. I swear to God.

Marnie!

Top lock!

( Music playing )

♪ God, she's fine, fine, fine... ♪

Jessa: Paris is really where you should be.

If you're a francophile like...

Me and you, obviously.

Yeah.

Then you've got to go to France.

You have to go.

Jessa: I was a live-in educator for these three children, and they all sang.

And their father was a brilliant pacifist thinker.

Isn't that the plot to "The Sound of Music"?

It is.

Marnie: We really want to travel more.

We could just go.

Up and go.

I am so sorry I'm so late.

Hannah banana.

Would you please come here and talk to us?

Hello.

( Gasps )

( Singsong ) You're here. You're here. Hi.

( Kisses ) What's going on? You look beautiful.

What'd you say?

What's going on?

She smells like s*x.

No, but you showered this morning.

Hannah: So I calculated, and I can last in New York for 3 1/2 more days.

Maybe seven if I don't eat lunch.

I'm going to find you a job worthy of your talents.

Well, I appreciate that, but I don't know how you're going to find a job fast enough.

I'm going to have to work at McDonald's.

You're not going to work at McDonald's.

Ray: What's wrong with McDonald's? You should work at McDonald's.

It's great. It's f*cking incredible.

You know how many people McDonald's feeds every day?

You know how many people it employs around the world?

Plus, they make an incredible product, okay?

It tastes tremendous.

It's affordable. It's f*cking consistent.

I can walk into a McDonald's in Nigeria, order chicken McNuggets.

When I bite into it, you know what it's going to taste like?

It's going to taste like home.

It doesn't mean I have to work there. I went to college.

Yeah, I went to college, too. You know where it left me?

I have $50,000 in student loans.

That's how deep in debt I am.

I'm sorry, but watching this, this is like watching "Clueless."

The movie or the TV show?

Marnie: What are you doing?

What are you doing over there?

I'm making a little brew.

Charlie: He's making a tea of opium pods.

Oh, cool. So you brought opium into our apartment.

Well, yeah, this stuff's pretty mild.

This is much milder than the stuff you'd smoke.

It's legal. I got it down at the flower district.

You can just go there and buy the pods.

Is it cool if I have a little?

Marnie: Knock yourself out.

I hate opium.

Oh, yeah, what's your thing? Coke?

No, I never do coke.

Every time I do coke, I sh1t my pants.

( Laughs )

( Laughing ) Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hannah: That's horrible.

Jessa: It happens.

What does it taste like?

It kinda tastes like twigs.

Yeah, I'll have some.

Maybe you shouldn't. You're super-sensitive to drugs.

I think I'm going to be fine, okay? Hand it over.

It's hot.

( Gags )

Marnie: Oh, Jesus.

This does not taste like Twix.

Not Twix, twigs.

Twigs, like small sticks.

( Sighs )

If you're going to vanish, you have to call, okay?

Yeah, okay. I wanna go back in there.

No, you can't. I need to talk to you first.

All you need to do is talk to your parents, okay?

You need to ask them to support you for a little itty-bit longer, just while you look for another job.

And tell them that you take your future seriously.

Because you do. You're Hannah.

( Door opens )

Does Charlie have a girlfriend?

Yes.

Marnie was just saying that she feels like I need to go and talk to my parents and ask them to support me until I get a job.

Why don't you just tell them that you're an artist?

You just need to tell them once and for all that you are an artist.

Just tell them you're going to get a job, that's much more convincing.

Tell them you'll get tuberculosis in a garret if you have to.

Tell them it's what Flaubert did.

Flaubert is not a good role model, and have you met her parents?

She can't just do the artist thing.

Tell them that Picasso did it.

Rappers who were poor and sold their tapes in the street did it.

It's what Elvis did. It's what Mick Jagger did.

It's what my stepbrother did.

They all stuck to their guns.

I need to go.

You just drank an entire cup of opium.

You are gorgeous and a vision.

You are a brilliant genius.

Both of you are s*x goddesses.

When I look at both of you, a Coldplay song plays in my heart.

( Door opens, closes )

Bye.

God, she seems like she's in such a good place.

( Knocking )

Hannah: Mom? Papa?

I think that's Hannah.

Did she just call me papa?

Hi!

Oh, hey. What the heck are you doing here?

I thought you didn't want to see us anymore.

Actually, I couldn't bear the idea of not seeing you before you left town.

But more important--

Here, you can sit down. It's late. I'm sorry--

...is that I brought you my book.

I need you to read it.

Jesus, it's hot.

Great. Yeah.

That's fine.

Are you boiling?

Great, we'll read it on the plane.

No, now. I need you to read it now.

Because...

I don't want to freak you out, but I think that I may be the voice of my generation.

Or at lease a voice of a generation.

Well, just read. Don't be scared, just enjoy it 'cause there's going to be plenty for us to talk about after.

Just go for it.

( Door opens )

I need to talk to you.

All right.

I do not like what just went down out there. At all.

What, with Hannah?

I guess I just don't understand the problem.

She seemed ready.

She had just gotten high.

I'd like for you to see a real high person.

Marnie, you can't mother her like that.

I'm not mothering her. I'm literally preventing a disaster from happening.

Have you even read her novel?

It's a memoir, and of course I've read it, I'm her best friend.

( Mimicking ) Best friend. This is my best friend.

( Normal voice ) You know, we don't own anybody.

Maybe you don't respect what a best friendship means because you've never stayed in one place long enough to have one.

Marnie, I can't help your feelings.

Maybe you can help being two hours late to a dinner party that was thrown for you, my God!

It was two hours?

Yes.

When was dinner?

7:00.

7:00? I thought that was just a suggestion.

A sugges-- Okay, I'm sorry we don't eat at 1:00 in the morning, but we don't live in Barcelona.

Maybe not 1:00, but 10:00. 10:00 is reasonable.

See, this is what you do. You act like I'm uptight, and then I follow suit. I become uptight.

It is the most frustrating dynamic on the planet.

It drives me crazy. I can't stand it.

I'm f*cking pregnant.

All right? I'm pregnant.

On purpose?

What do you think?

( Door opens )

I have to tell you something, you two.

You guys are so beautiful.

Okay, all right.

That's a high person.

This is very funny stuff, Loreen.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Hannah, you're a very funny girl.

Thank you, papa.

( Mumbling )

Okay.

Oh.

All I am asking for to finish this book is $1,100 a month for the next two years.

( Laughs ) That's insane.

That's a chunk of change.

You would say it's insane. Who can live in New York on $1,100 a month?

But I am so committed to this book that I am willing to get pretty thrifty on this.

Why don't you get a job and start a blog?

You are so spoiled.

Yeah, well, whose fault is that, mom?

Your father's.

This is making me so unhappy.

I'm having such a horrible feeling.

We're not wamu, Hannah.

And the least you can do is sit up straight.

Hannah?

Hannah, Jesus. Hannah? Hannah?

I shouldn't have taken it, but I was just having such a bad day.

Taken what? What did you take?

Is she sick, Ted? Do I need to call a hospital?

I think she may be high.

( Groaning )

It's legal, like flowers.

Oh, my God.

I'm not going to be angry. I'm just really curious.

What did you smoke?

It's opium pods.

It's a tea of opium pods.

We should Google that.

I don't need to Google that.

I know about that. It's tantamount to smoking banana peels.

For Christ's sake, let's just order her a coffee.

Coffee's for grown-ups.

You're going to drink a strong cup of coffee!

I'm 24 years old! Don't tell me what to do.

This is a real display.

No, this is the immediate result of a cold approach.

You can't just pull the rug out from under her so suddenly.

Why are you doing this?

We should stay a few more days.

( Groaning )

I admire your kind heart, I really do.

But you're getting played by a major f*cking player!

I know! But it's hard for me to watch her struggle!

My skirt feels so tight.

Maybe you can just cut it open with a scissors?

It's like watching her get a shot!

Shots keep people from getting sick!

( Coughing )

I want a lake house. I work hard.

I know, I know.

I want to sit by a f*cking lake.

You deserve a lake.

I'm gonna die like Flaubert in a garret.

Don't look at me.

Mom?

Dad?

Hi, I'm in room 2507, and I wanted to get some room service.

Oh.

But is the account totally closed if they've checked out?

You can't add anything?

Okay, no. Yeah, got it.

I'm leaving right now. Thank you.

( Music playing )

Man: Why don't you smile?

Does your heart hurt?

Girl, when I look at you, I just wanna say, "Hello, New York!"

♪ Everyone seems so certain ♪
♪ everyone knows who they are ♪
♪ everyone's got a mother and a father ♪
♪ they all seem so sure they're going far ♪

♪ I'm as simple as a bee ♪
♪ as a melody in C ♪
♪ but it don't matter ♪
♪ there are more wishes than stars ♪
♪ every guest so pleased with themselves ♪
♪ they're brimming with success ♪
♪ their whole life's been blessed ♪
♪ but it doesn't matter ♪
♪ everyone's been on a holiday in the sun ♪
♪ or they just got back from one ♪
♪ all they do is just have fun ♪
♪ they all got more friends than they can use ♪
♪ except me 'cause I'm a fool ♪
♪ I'm simple as a bee ♪
♪ as a melody in C ♪
♪ but it don't matter ♪