01x03 - All Adventurous Woman Do

I could not be more proud of you for getting this abortion.

Thanks, Shoshanna.

We always use condoms.

Do we?

I was actually just wondering if maybe, uh, no big deal, but you could get me an appointment for, an S.T.D. test?

I mean, since we're gonna be there anyway.

I don't like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it.

Every time I have s*x, it's my choice.

I just don't think this is gonna work out right now.

But call us back and we'll stay in touch.

You should be able to just be yourself.

But it seems like myself is making you very frustrated.

Who cares, Charlie? It's what men do.

There is seriously nothing flakier in this world than not showing up to your own abortion.

I've never had s*x.

Really?

You're bleeding.

Oh, my God.

Charlie: Are your eyes closed?

Yes, they're closed!

Are you ready for the surprise?

I'm... I'm ready.

Are you sure?

I'm sure, I'm sure.

Well, uh, okay. Okay.

Whoo-whee.

You shaved your head.

Yeah.

You like it?

No, I don't like it. I... I hate it.

Oh, no.

You look scary to me, like Mickey Mouse without the ears.

Why are you doing this?

It's for Joanna.

Who the f*ck is Joanna?

She's the receptionist at the office.

She has ovarian cancer and she started chemo today, and a bunch of us are doing this to support her.

Thanks for telling me about the cancer.

Now I look like a total asshole.

Well...

How do I look?

( Charlie laughs )

You look like you're gonna put a hex on some popular girls.

Uh, o-okay, "American History X."

Oh, yeah. Have fun. Go tweet that.

What is going on? Is it some kind of solstice?

( Door closes )

Just touch it.

No, I feel like I don't know you anymore.

( Theme music playing )

( Phone ringing )

Who the f*ck?

Yo, kid.

Hannah: You home?

I mean, for the moment, sure.

Come to the window.

Better be good.

That you creeping around downstairs?

Oh, you look awesome. Come the f*ck upstairs.

Okay.

But wait.

I have to warn you about something.

What?

If you come up, I'm gonna tie you to my bed and keep you for at least three days.

I'm just in that kind of mood.

Okay, I'll be up in a second.

Okay, so you look, like, totally gorgeous as always.

Um, and, like, very current.

I'm just wondering if it's maybe, like, a little bit threatening...

For babysitting.

It's floor-length.

I can see your belly button.

Rah rah rah rah rah...

This is so horrible.

I think your stomach is funny.

Well, maybe I don't want my body to be funny.

Has that ever occurred to you?

It's just three or four pounds.

If you hate it so much, you can lose four pounds.

Well, I don't lose weight from my stomach; I lose weight from my face. So...

You've tried a lot, to lose weight?

No, I have not tried a lot to lose weight.

( Laughing )

Because I decided I was gonna have other concerns in my life, okay?

I apologize. So...

Do you eat for fun?

As opposed to what?

For fuel. I eat for fuel.

I remember to eat when my eyes get cloudy.

If you're trying to get me to tell you that you have a really good body, then you win.

You have a really good body.

I have fat.

You actually really don't.

I'm looking at you, and you don't.

Yes, I do.

Gather my fat.

I'm not gonna play a demented game with you.

Gather my fat.

You'll feel less alone if you gather my fat.

There it is.

That's skin.

That is all skin.

See? See?

( Cell phone buzzing )

That's skin.

Yo, your sh1t's blowing up.

You're a jerk.

Stop it.

Hello?

Hello?

Shh.

Beatrix, honey, I'm sorry. I can't find it.

( Toy squeaks )

Beatrix: Can I come, too?

No, baby. Mommy is shooting.

I'm sorry. Come on.

Mwah.

Girl: She's making a documentary about people who used to be rich, but now they're homeless but that can't just happen to you.

You make choices to get there.

Right, like you make choices to be mean to your new babysitter, right?

We'll see where that gets you.

Beatrix: I wish I was homeless.

Oh, Beatrix, we talked about this for 20 minutes this morning.

It is not fun. It's not like camping.

Beatrix: Charlotta didn't like to play.

Do you like to play?

Yeah, I love it.

Mom: Hey, you guys, looks like it's gonna rain outside.

You guys are gonna wanna do some insidey things today, okay?

And daddy's not coming home until about 10:00, so Jessa's gonna put you to sleep.

Although I wish I could. Sorry.

So you can practice piano or you could do your mosaic work.

Oh, and, Lola, I'm sure Jessa would love to proofread your novel.

( Whispering ) Her novel... it's so cute, but it's only 10 pages long.

Okay.

Ugh, hope I'm not forgetting anything.

Uh... okay.

I wish we actually had time to talk.

Daphne told me so much about you, what a traveler you are.

Yeah.

Oh, I envy that.

I want to pick your brain.

( Both laugh )

Thank you so much.

Kiss me, kiss me. Goodbye. I love you.

Goodbye. I love you. I love you.

( Giggling )

We'll look for Hampy in the morning, okay?

See you in the morning. Be good for Jessa.

Jessa, thank you so much. You are a lifesaver.

Thank you.

D-don't worry.

Okay.

Girl: Bye.

Beatrix: Bye, mom.

( Door closes )

Mm-hmm.

No. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Yeah, I'll call, if I... thank you. Bye.

Who was that? Bye.

That was my gynecologist.

And what did she say?

She was calling with some news about my v*g1n*. So...

Was it good news?

I have an S.T.D. I have H.P.V.

I have H.P.V.

What does that do?

I don't really know. It can cause warts.

And you don't have to worry. I don't have those, but it can also cause cervical cancer, so that's why I have to get my cervix scraped out next week.

f*ck, I'm so sorry.

Are you sorry because you gave it to me?

What?

Yeah, I am pretty sure you gave it to me.

You're the only person I've been having s*x with.

It is not prevented by condoms.

Hold your roll. I didn't give it to you.

Well, how do you know?

Because I got tested and I don't have that.

You got tested?

When did you get tested?

Last week.

My best dyke friend works for a dick doctor, and I don't have that sh1t.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

So now you owe me an apology.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I mean, you have to know that that seemed like a natural assumption, and I was freaked out, and...

Are you angry with me now?

Just annoyed, yeah.

Will you still have s*x with me?

When it's appropriate, sure.

Can I hug you goodbye?

I'm busy.

( Ringing )

Good afternoon. Kwartler Gallery.

Hannah: Hey, it's me.

Hi, you.

How are you?

I got a call from the doctor with my results.

And? Do you...?

It would appear that I do, yes, have something.

Oh, my God. What?

I kind of can't believe that I am saying this, but I have H.P.V., so...

( Crying )

Marnie?

( Sobs ) Yeah?

Are you crying?

It is just so unfair, Hannah.

Like, you're so careful about s*x and everything, and you're, like, nervous.

I just figured that, like, for people that are really, really scared of flying, their planes never go down.

It's just not how it works.

Oh, my God.

What if you can't have children?

Marnie, I'm fine, okay? I'm fine.

f*cking Adam.

He didn't give it to me, okay?

He got tested and he doesn't have it.

I think it was Elijah.

Elijah?

But Elijah's such a loser.

He only slept with one person before you.

It was that cellist with the loose joint disorder.

I know, and she's always, like, liking my Facebook status.

It's such a weird, aggressive move.

It's like, "sorry I passed you an S.T.D., but I enjoy your quirky web presence."

( Laughs ) How can you joke at a time like this, Hannah?

Because I'm fine and I'm not gonna die, so I'm fine.

Well, okay.

I really hate to ring this up, but, you know, rent is due in a week.

The job search...

I have precancer.

Beatrix: "My neighbor is named Chamaid Lyrons.

She supported me when no one else did, right after my husband Chuck died and I left the Alcoholics Anonymous and I almost never left from under my dining room table."

Is "shuh-made" how you say it?

Yes.

How do you spell that?

C-h-a-m-a-i-d.

That's a beautiful name.

Did you come up with that?

Yes.

Story's great, really great.

Loving this string cheese. Keep going.

( TV playing )

( Toilet flushes )

Thanks for letting me change here, Shoshanna.- Mm-hm Do you know where Jessa is? Do you know when she'll be home?

Um, probably not till late. She has a job now.

Okay, I guess everybody has a job now.

( Crowd groaning )

Oh, my effing "G," no.

What are you watching?

"Baggage."

"Baggage"? What's "Baggage"?

It's, like, my favorite show on Game Show Network.

No, she didn't.

Marnie and I don't have cable, so I haven't seen that.

Shut up. No way. Get over here now.

Okay, so, there are three contestants.

Today they're girls.

And this guy Danny is looking for love, and they each have three suitcases... a little one, a medium one, and a big one.

And in them they have, like, their secret baggage and they reveal it.

And if it's super freaky, he eliminates them.

Okay, like this chick...

The black one or the blonde one?

Yeah, the black one. Her littlest baggage is that she spends $1,000 a month on her weave, which host Jerry springer thinks is "un-be-weave-able."

Her medium baggage is that she plans her wedding after the first date, and her biggest baggage is that she pokes holes in condoms.

Whoa!

Mm.

That's a crazy thing to do.

I know.

What would you put in your baggage?

I don't know, I feel like...

So like, for me, I think that my littlest baggage would probably be my I.B.S.

And my medium baggage would be that I truly don't love my grandmother.

Like, you don't love her at all?

Mm-mm.

So then what would your biggest baggage be?

That I'm a virgin.

Obviously.

Yeah, but that doesn't count because soon you're gonna have s*x and then you're gonna forget you ever didn't have s*x and then you're gonna have to pick a new baggage, so it doesn't count.

I hope so.

What's yours?

Let's see, my littlest baggage is probably that I am unfit for any and all paying jobs.

My medium baggage is that I just bought four cupcakes and ate one in your bathroom.

And my biggest baggage is that I have H.P.V., which I found out today, so...

Oh, my God, do you have warts?

No, I don't have warts, but, like...

I haven't looked deep inside myself, but I don't see any warts.

Oh. It's, like, much less bad, then.

Jessa has H.P.V.

She does? She never told me that.

Yeah, like a couple strains of it.

She says that all adventurous women do.

Do you know who gave it to you?

Okay, I thought it was the guy that I'm seeing, but he's gotten tested, so now I think it was Elijah, my boyfriend for the last two years of college.

Mm-hmm.

Who broke up with who?

Okay, he broke up with me because he needed "space."

But then he called me every day for six months crying, so...

You have to tell him.

About my H.P.V.?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, but it doesn't have any symptoms for guys, and also it would open a lot of old wounds for him.

I think he's still in love with me.

Yeah, but it's totally the responsible thing to do.

And sometimes you have to break a few eggs to do what's right. You know what I mean?

Like, do you really want all of his future lovers to suffer the same disease that you have? No offense.

Yeah, but I thought you said it's not that big a deal.

No, it's totally not that big a deal, but it's still like...

I mean, just, like, in the S.T.D. world, I think that's kind of courteous.

Do you have to do it in person?

Um, I don't know.

Like, what are the other options?

I'm just worried that if we see each other, we're gonna end up having s*x.

But, like, that's okay because you both have H.P.V.

God, that's a really good point.


( Music playing )

( Chatter )

Hey, good to see you.

Marnie, I think one of these paintings is up crooked.

What makes you say that?

Because I looked at it, and it is.

Julien, be a lamb run and grab my tit tape.

He's got to have a serious case of tall dick.

You look beautiful tonight. It's a beautiful night.

Thank you.

( Gasps ) Booth Jonathan.

Booth Jonathan, get over here.

I do not approve of you f*cking Koi Scharf.

You know what I say about men who f*ck asian women.

I know what you say about men who aren't f*cking you anymore.

Shame on you.

This little girl is a powerhouse.

She's my Jackie O. You should f*ck her.

Don't f*ck Koi Scharf, f*ck her.

She says she has a "boyfriend," but I've never seen him.

Bye, Reese.

I can't believe she just...

I'm really sorry about that.

I'm kind of mortified. I mean, she's a little bit drunk.

It's just that I am kind of a huge fan of your work.

So I didn't want to give off the... try and give less of a sh1t.

Okay.

Thanks.

♪ You know, baby ♪
♪ I know you think we can make it all work out ♪
♪ but I gotta tell it like it is ♪
♪ and I don't wanna make this any harder than it needs to be ♪
♪ so don't cry... ♪

Oh, my God, hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

Mm.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

You cut your hair. It looks great.

Yes. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Remember that time you grew a beard and then, you shaved it and then I didn't remember what your face looked like, so I cried?

( Laughs ) Yes, that was... that was beautiful.

Do I look the same to you?

Have you lost weight?

If I have, it's only a few pounds.

I think people just remember me fatter.

Oh, no, Hannah. You were never fat.

You were soft and round, like a dumpling.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So how's work? Are you still at the archival footage place?

Oh, no, no. Actually, I've taken an exciting new position.

I'm an assistant to a curator of dance.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's unpaid, but it could very well lead to something.

But what about you?

I mean, how's the writing?

Well, it's great.

I'm actually... I'm almost done with a book of essays.

That's amazing. Is it titled?

Right now it's "Midnight snack" is the title, the working title.

I mean, you know, there's lots of titles.

Um, it's really great to hear from you.

Really great to hear from you.

I mean, I've been thinking how much I wanted to speak with you.

Well, Elijah, I'm really happy to see you, too.

I don't want to mislead you. Mm-hmm.

I did not bring you here to retread old territory emotionally.

Okay.

I'm more open to it physically, and I brought you here to talk about something pretty specific.

Which is a little bit touchy.

All right.

I don't wanna assume anything about you and other partners.

It's true.

It's true?

( Sighs ) And I hate that you found out through the post-collegiate rumor mill.

But I'm glad that you heard, because, you know, things with Beau are moving so quickly, and I just felt like eventually we were going to either see you, or...

Beau?

Well, that's his name, yes.

And Beau is?

My lover.

Who's male?

Yes.

I didn't know that.

Oh.

So you're gay?

Oh, well, I don't, um...

I don't say gay.

I don't say straight, either.

I'm... I'm with a person of my own gender, which essentially means that I am, you know... experimenting.

Um...

Which I love.

Well, thank you.

Which I love.

Thank you.

Oh, Hannah.

Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.

Don't...

Don't.

Don't.

Okay, okay.

I'm fine.

What I'm having right now is an inappropriate physical reaction to my total joy for you and your self-discovery.

Well, thank you so much. Thank you.

And listen, I want you to know that this exploration was very much inspired by you.

And...

I do explore.

You do.

I mean, right now I'm seeing this guy, and sometimes I let him hit me on the side of my body.

I mean, that's great that you're seeing someone.

Marnie: Why are we running?

Come on, don't be like that.

The high line is kinda bullshit, but it'll work.

Oh, the high line's cute.

No, it's not.

Slow down.

Booth: What? No.

( Metal rattles )

Have you ever come here with, like, a book and some friends?

It's a lame suggestion.

( Metal rattling )

Marnie: It closes at 10:00.

Yeah, I see that.

Oh, you know, smoking is really bad for you.

What, cigarettes?

Yeah.

Oh, holy sh1t. I had no idea. Thank you.

( Laughs ) You're welcome.

Thank you so much.

So, do you live with your boyfriend?

No, I live with my best friend.

She cute?

Is she?

No!

I mean, yes, she's cute, but I would never let her anywhere near someone like you.

Oh, burn!

Yeah, we, you usually hook up with, like, French girls and models, right?

Not all the time.

( Marnie laughs )

Sometimes.

Sometimes?

Most of the time.

Yeah.

I feel like I have to say something.

What do you have to say?

( Laughs )

I feel like I should tell you that I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna kiss you.

Why would you think that I would wanna kiss you?

I don't kn... I was going out on a limb.

Don't make me feel stupid.

When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

You see, that's a saying.

People say that.

It's been a long time since I heard that.

Well, touche.

I just felt like I had to say it, Booth Jonathan.

Okay.

Okay?

I see.

But I want you to know, the first time I f*ck you, I might scare you a little because I'm a man, and I know how to do things.

See you later.

( Music playing )

( Lock clicks )

( Gasping )

( Clatters )

Hey. Jeff.

Hi. Jessa.

Yeah, babysitter.

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Thanks. So, how'd it go?

With what?

Um...

Oh, the kids.

Oh, Bea is so cute.

Yeah, she fell over and I kicked her in the head trying to get her up.

She's so resilient.

How was your night?

Oh, I'm, like, totally destroyed.

I went on a truly pathetic outing to the bowery ballroom.

Is there anything sadder than a band rocking out to a completely empty room?

I'm sorry no one came to see your band.

No, it wasn't my band.

I mean, I'm not...

Oh. Oh.

It was my friend's. Anyway, they were awful.

Well, you know, maybe they weren't awful.

Maybe... maybe your taste is awful.

Do you smoke pot?

Yeah.

Okay. Um, okay.

Yeah, okay.

Hannah: So I'm processing this.

Does this mean that the whole time we were together, you were...?

Oh, I mean, are you... you're asking did I always want to have s*x with men?

Yes.

Are you asking did I think about it when we were together?

Uh, yes.

So then how were you able to have s*x with me?

Well, there's a... there's a handsomeness to you, just...

Oh, my God.

All right, that's... maybe that wasn't the right...

Well, I am very, very happy for you.

Thank you. It means a lot to me.

But I do wish that you could have maybe figured this out a little bit sooner, like maybe when we were at Liberal Arts College, because there were a lot of gay men there.

Okay, okay. Now I just feel there's a lot of aggression coming off of you.

And also, I wanna let you know that the reason I brought you here was not to discuss our past relationship, but to discuss the fact that I have an S.T.D. and I'm pretty f*cking sure you gave it to me.

Why would you think that?

Because I've been having protected s*x with my current boyfriend and also he doesn't have H.P.V.

H.P.V.?

He was tested and he doesn't have it.

Oh, your boyfriend was tested for H.P.V.?

Yes.

Well, that's absurd.

And why is that absurd?

Because there is no test for men.

There is no way a man can be tested for H.P.V., and your boyfriend would know that.

Had he even taken it at intro level of Human Sexuality Workshop?

Okay, so you're saying that you don't have it.

No, I'm saying that there's no way for me to know.

And quite frankly, Hanna I resent the accusation.

You were... you were always like this.

Okay, this is not the time for you to throw stones, because you know what?

I'm the one who was lied to...

By who?

By you, for two years.

Well, I think it was Maya Angelou who said, "we are only as blind as we wanna be."

So you're saying that I was supposed to know that you were gay?

Because let me tell you something... this fruity little voice that you've put on...

Excuse me?

...Is a new thing.

Fruity little voi... fruity little voice?

Keep your v... keep it down.

Is this about the scarf?

It's not about the scarf.

The scarf is not helping the situation, but it's about your tone of voice, it's about your mannerisms.

And in my head...

I am my authentic self.

I am being my authentic self.

If you had been this gay in college, I would have known because I have two eyeballs, two ears...

Really?

You might wanna take some steps back through your other boyfriends.

And not for nothing, maybe take a look at your dad.

You didn't just.

I did.

In what way does my father read gay to you?

Uh, well, he has a stud in his ear.

He got it on a trip he took with a bunch of his male friends.

I hear what that sounded like.

Are we hearing ourselves?

I don't think we are.

You know what I'm gonna do from now on?

What are you gonna do?

Ask people if they're gay before I have s*x with them.

Good luck with that. Good luck with that.

And don't be surprised if people ask you if you keep dressing like that.

I'm gonna have the last word in this situation.

It was nice to see you.

No.

Your dad is gay.

No.

53.

( Laughs ) Oh, my God!

54. 54. I'm sorry.

No. Stop. No.

People tell you you're good at that?

All the time.

'Cause you're bad at that. You're very bad at that.

You're not good at that.

You know what... I was probably picking up on your spirit, which feels 53.

Oh, my God, that is so much worse.

( Laughs )

What's your job?

Has anybody ever told you that's not a polite question?

No.

Do you think that maybe that's because the answer's boring?

Or it also could be that you don't have a job.

Do you not... do you not have a job?

It's okay. I don't have a job.

I never had a... I mean I didn't have a job until today.

Yeah?

Yeah!

All right, well, what are you gonna do with the rest of your life?

Didn't anyone ever tell you that's a rude question?

( Both laughing )

Daddy?

Hmm? Oh.

Hey, Bea. How are you?

What's up? Did we wake you up?

With your talking.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Was just gonna pay...

Jessa?

Yeah, I know. I know, lady.

Let me get my wallet.

You know what?

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Pay tomorrow. It's fine. Fine.

Daddy?

Yeah, baby?

Why are you eating my school snack?

Um, 'cause sometimes daddies need a snack.

But you're not in night school.

( Music playing )

( Keyboard clicking )

♪ I knew I was sad ♪
♪ I recognized it was bad ♪
♪ but now looking back ♪
♪ I see my mind ♪
♪ it was cracked... ♪

( Clicks )

( New song begins )

( Keyboard clicking )

♪ Somebody said you got a new friend ♪
♪ does she love you better than I can? ♪

( Muffled music playing )

( Music blaring )

♪ I'm giving it my all... ♪

Hannah?

♪ But I'm not the girl you're taking home ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
♪ I'm just gonna dance all night... ♪

Yo, girl.

Yo, girl.

What's up? Oh, my God, Elijah's gay.

What?

Yes.

Oh, my God. That is funny.

Funny is one word for it. I was gonna go with f*cked or sad.

But, I probably should have suspected because he only ejaculated like 30% of the time.

And he seemed gay.

Yeah, he... he seemed gay.

He seemed gay.

Yeah, he was gay.

( Both laughing )

♪ Why can't you see me? ♪
♪ oh ♪
♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ but I'm not the girl you're taking home ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪
♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪

♪ so far away, but still so near ♪
♪ the lights go on, the music dies ♪
♪ but you don't see me standing here ♪
♪ I just came to say goodbye ♪
♪ I'm in the corner watching you kiss her ♪
♪ oh oh oh ♪
♪ I'm giving it my all ♪
♪ but I'm not the girl you're taking home ♪
♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪